Evie and I both gasped. I looked down at both our crumpled bodies, my bony nothing and her soft plenty, trying to convince myself we were separate. I couldn’t quite remember where I even met her. Her dress looked like a hospital gown. But she didn’t look like one of the psych ward patients, as far as I could remember. Beneath us, grass glowed in the sun. Were we in rehab together or something?
No. I didn’t go to rehab. And I’d never met this girl in my life.
“Am I dead?” I asked.
She nodded, looking as if she were struggling to speak. I squinted up to find us on the lawn outside the funeral home.
“You were going geist,” she said, her voice hoarse like she hadn’t used it in years. “Good thing I came to check on you. I almost left right away when things were getting awkward with that lady with the hat, but… well, I’m glad I stuck around. I barely managed to get in your head enough to pull us both out.”
It seemed obvious, now, given how patchy my memories were, that I hadn’t really gone back. Like in a dream, I couldn’t recognize it while it was happening. If I’d kept looping back, like the geists I’d touched, I might never have gotten out.
“Did you see all that?” I asked.
She started to shrug, but turned it into a hesitant nod.
Well, fuck. That explained the pity in her eyes when she finally glanced up. I couldn’t handle it. There’d be no taking back what I’d shared. Getting my clothes torn off by a stranger had nothing on the nakedness of a memory laid bare. I had no choice but to sit there and simmer in shame, too late to try and cover up.
“I don’t understand,” she said.
I shut my eyes. I could just recall where my memories had blurred into her own. That must’ve given her the chance to take over, pull me from my mind to hers. She’d only wished for death long after her will to live had burned out, like a signal flare unseen by passing ships. I couldn’t imagine what she thought of me having once chased it, trying to drown myself.
Her voice trembled. “How could they do that to you?”
At last, I met her gaze.
“You loved them so much,” she said.
The tears came hot and stinging, held back for too long. Years, in fact. At least my wrists didn’t ache. Just aftershocks, not another disaster.
Since she’d already seen enough, I went ahead and filled in the gaps. At least I kept my voice steady.
“My sister and I could open up when we were alone, but… well, I always worried she secretly judged me, believing I was a sinner. So when I first met my bandmates, it clicked. Oh—so this is what I’ve been missing out on all my life, what family means. I got to be myself, judgment-free. We were going to take over the world together. And we got so close.”
Just telling it made me nearly forget what happened next. Because even afterwards, I still missed them. Rather, who I thought they were.
“But then… I got down again. I kind of hoped I’d beaten my old existential despair, that it would never come back. When it did, it turned out they weren’t really the family I’d thought. Not so interested in me sad and useless.”
She wiped her face. I kind of felt bad for having pushed my feelings on her, literally, and again, out loud.
“I did some dumb shit to retaliate.” I couldn’t bear to elaborate how I’d started missing writing and recording sessions. Whenever I had shown up, I’d fought them on every single decision. Up until it escalated to taking Liam’s favorite guitar and smashing it, before storming off and setting my lyric notebook on fire. “…You know, typical diva stuff.”
And I didn’t even touch on any of the love triangle bullshit.
“That only made them resent me more, gave them reason to cut me off. Just like my mother.” I smiled, because I couldn’t go on this long without making a joke. “You ever get the feeling you’re not wanted?”
She didn’t return the smile, not letting me off the hook yet. “That’s not true.”
On instinct, I opened my mouth to protest, only to let it hang for a moment. After all, I hadn’t even cried for help, and yet, she’d answered. For some reason, she must’ve liked me.
“Why risk it?” I asked. “I mean, pulling me out.”
Her big eyes were so earnest it made me ache. “I’m sure you would’ve helped me the same.”
Whatever gave her that impression, I only hoped I could live up to her high esteem. It didn’t sit right, how big I owed her, given how I tended to disappoint.
“Thanks,” I said, though that didn’t nearly cover it.
At last, I had to ask about what she’d shared in return.
“So… about Alastair.”
Her cheeks darkened, like I’d found out a secret. Funny that we’d both confused him for something else. No wonder she’d taken him for an angel. The first face she’d seen in years, after so much darkness. And he’d delivered her from it.
“He killed you?”
“It sounds awful, when you put it like that,” she said, looking down, tugging nervously at the grass. “I wanted to die. He could feel it. So, he helped me out.”
I didn’t blame her. I’d thought I felt trapped in this phantom body. At least I could still see and hear and move around. No wonder she hadn’t even felt scared when she found herself lifted up in nice, solid arms. It had felt so good, that memory of touch. Better than needles and restraints, anyway—and yet, weirdly enough, my body felt so numb now, without even that. Even if it was painful, it had still been something to feel.
“How did he find you?” I asked.
“Don’t tell him I said so, but he wanders a lot. All over, but especially hospitals and old folks’ homes and such. He’s more thoughtful than he lets on, always trying to find answers. Not to mention bringing home the newly dead. For all that he acts so cool and mysterious, he’s secretly a softie.”
She smiled, like she couldn’t help it, her mouth curling irresistibly at the thought of him. I winced with an unwelcome pang as I realized she must feel more than gratitude toward him.
“But, like I said, don’t tell.”
“I won’t,” I promised.
At last, we both got up, brushing our clothes like we could’ve had any grass clinging on.
“I take it you’re not joining the band anytime soon,” she said.
I just shook my head, wrung out but lighter. At least she understood. I couldn’t even look at a drum set, any more than she could have a drink.
“So, what are you going to do now?” she asked.
“I don’t know.”
I couldn’t go back to check on my family. Not yet. Now that Cris had finally let herself cry for me, I didn’t know when it might stop. Whether it might trigger this reaction all over again.
“You could still come to the Haunt,” she said.
My feet didn’t exactly feel lively. Not with my sister’s wails still echoing in my head, so much louder than the memory of the pulse.
She must’ve caught on to my hesitation. “You don’t have to play, or even dance, if you’re not ready.”
“Are you sure about that?” I asked, unable to help but raise an eyebrow. “Alastair is a menace. Why doesn’t he bother you about joining, anyway?”
She fiddled with her sleeves. “It’s kind of complicated.”
That must’ve been his tailcoat she wore. He probably had to give it to her every morning, so she wouldn’t have to worry about the slit in the back of her hospital gown.
As much as I wanted to pester about how she’d gotten a pass, I couldn’t hold it against her if she had more secrets. We’d already swapped so many.
Her eyes widened with panic, like she’d remembered something she shouldn’t have forgotten. “Ren must be worried sick about you.”
My chest caved in.
“He tried to get through to you, only he couldn’t, with a body between his soul and yours. Not to mention, there were so many people around.”
As badly as I wanted to go to him, I couldn’t take off like I usually did. Not after what she’d done for me. I put up my walls and reached for her hand, giving it a squeeze.
“Don’t be a stranger,” she said.
“I won’t,” I promised.
I’d try my best to keep to it. Though my best had never been much.
* * *
Ren hunched on the hood of his car, burning furiously through a cigarette.
“That’ll kill ya,” I said. “If you live long enough.”
He dropped it in surprise, gaping at me. I stepped back as he sprang up, holding out his arms, reaching for me. Before I could think to reach back, work out some kind of embrace, he let his arms drop, folding them around himself instead. I did the same.
“I heard you were looking for me.”
“I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again,” he said. “At least, not as yourself.”
His eyes were red. I couldn’t imagine how he’d taken it, thinking he’d lost the only witness to his sanity.
He buried his face in his palm. “It’s been a long time since I’ve looked this crazy.”
I thought to try putting my hand on his shoulder. Instead, I said, “I think it helped, seeing you.”
That drew him back out of hiding. “Really?”
“I don’t know what it is about you, but your soul is real bright in the dark.”
Maybe that’s why geists followed him around, moths to light. Since he’d already died once, perhaps he hadn’t shut the door all the way closed when his soul returned to his body, leaving it open just a crack.
His smile didn’t last long. “So… what’s the plan?”
I turned up my palms. “Well, uh, we need to regroup. My sister hates your guts now, and I almost lost my metaphysical mind. I think we need a breather—so to speak.”
“Same here,” he said. “What are you gonna do now?”
I didn’t bother holding in my sigh. “Looks like I’m not going anywhere, huh? I mean, not that I really looked forward to facing my eternal judgment, but…”
I’d have to keep busy if I didn’t want to dwell too hard and go geist again.
“You know…” He bit his lip. “If you ever want to hang out again, I’d be down.”
That put a spot of color on my own cheeks, judging from the burn. I should’ve told him I’d interrupted his life enough. He deserved better company than mine.
But I could use the distraction. I almost forgot I didn’t need to breathe, my voice close to cracking. “Cool.”
He grinned. “Uh, are you doing anything later? I mean—not to rub it in, whether or not you’re able to do things—but I know you like watching stuff, and going out might make you feel better after today, so…”
I blinked. That sounded awfully like he’d just asked me out.
“I’m not,” I said. “I mean—doing anything.”
I didn’t know what to do with myself, period. I wasn’t sure I could even risk going to my funeral anymore. Since I still couldn’t touch anything, I couldn’t even pick up a book to while the time away. Or join a poker game with the other ghosts, not that they’d be my first choice for company.
If I wouldn’t be crossing over anytime soon, I had to occupy myself somehow. I wondered if boredom alone could tilt me toward going geist. But at least having just this one thing on my agenda would make it feel less like I didn’t have any future at all.
My face flushed, for some reason, as I smiled up at him. “I mean, I’m free.”
I guessed he thought I wouldn’t notice the way he bunched his right hand at his side, in a quiet echo of a fist pump. “Well, you know where to find me. I’m gonna nap, but come by anytime.”
He did look wrecked. I’d thoroughly destroyed his sleep schedule, and not in the way I usually preferred. Too bad that wouldn’t be on the table.
Well, unless I could finally get touch figured out. I shouldn’t have trusted the advice of the first ghosts I’d questioned, anyway. As much as I hated having to ask around for help again if I kept lingering on my own, I might just wither away.
I flexed my fingers, looking him up and down in that now rumpled suit, his hair mussed from stress ruffling. Maybe, after some practice, I’d have way more fun in store for me than books or poker.
“So, I’ll see you?” he asked.
I resorted to my usual finger guns. “It’s a date.”