I’d begun to dread the daytime the same as sleepless nights in life. At sundown, my afterlife always began again, keeping me distracted through the night. If I finished early with any partner at sunrise, I’d be left alone while everyone rested as best they could through the late morning, hours to wait until we could start again.
At first, I thought I must be daydreaming. I heard that voice in my head all the time. But I didn’t suspect it could be coming through the walls. I ducked into the library, trying to listen in, over my heart drumming in my ears.
“Don’t linger,” said Alastair.
“Why not?” asked the voice that sure as hell sounded like Ren.
I sank down on an armchair like it could catch me if I collapsed.
“You really need me to explain?” said Alastair. “It’s not natural for the living to mingle with the dead. It begs for some sort of universal comeuppance.”
“What, like, bad luck?” said Ren, for sure. “You went through so much trouble to get me here, and now, you’re trying to scare me off?”
“I just wanted to say hi,” said Evie. As if she’d been there the whole time, quietly waiting for her turn.
Alastair must’ve been rolling his eyes. “Don’t waste too much breath—he’s only got so much of that.”
That sounded like a sign-off, before spiriting away.
“Where were we?” said Ren. “Oh, right, hi.”
From the warmth in his voice, he had to be smiling. I’d forgotten they’d known each other in life.
“Thank you for bringing all of this,” said Evie.
Ren shrugged it off. “Don’t mention it.”
“It’s not too much trouble? I hope you didn’t have to pay for everything.”
I wondered what he’d brought. This must’ve been how we’d gotten all the newer furniture, not to mention the books, old VHS tapes, DVDs and CDs, the TVs and computers we played them on, plus old games and consoles. All from a former medium. I wondered what had happened to them.
“It’s on the company card,” said Ren.
“Is that stolen?” She sounded impressed.
“Just borrowed. Somebody around here hasn’t had their relatives cancel it yet. I get to use it for myself, that’s part of the deal. So I’ll take the trouble.”
Something about her giggle made my stomach drop. My chest sank, like I’d gotten the air knocked out of my nonexistent lungs, as I recalled the way she’d talked about him on our first introduction. Lab partners in chemistry. Didn’t she say something about him bringing her ramune? And, later, flowers at the hospital.
She must’ve been the high school crush he never asked out. In the following quiet, I wondered if they’d ever touched in life.
“How’ve you been?” Evie asked.
“I’m surviving,” he said. “Uh—no offense.”
“Oh, none taken! We slip up all the time, ourselves.”
“I’m so sorry about before, when I told you to fuck off,” he said. “I thought you were a figment of my horrible imagination. And I can’t believe I missed your funeral. I didn’t even know you’d—”
“It’s all right.” Her voice curled up, embarrassed. “I’m here now.”
“Well, it is good to see you again.”
Something unsaid hung in the air, faintly bittersweet. Evie rallied on in spite of it, her voice light. “You look so different!”
“I do?”
“You’re smiling! You used to just be like—”
I would’ve killed to see her imitation of his high school self.
“Shut up!” He gave a startled laugh. “Fuck, how did you put up with me?”
“You weren’t that bad, once we…”
For a moment, they quieted, and I worried their natural shyness had caught up with them, choking off any more conversation. Next would be excuses to leave, and I could come out of hiding. But I wouldn’t have minded staying put a little longer, enjoying that voice while I could.
I nearly got up—whether to leave, or to join them, I didn’t know—but I sprang to my feet when the silence broke.
“Hi there,” said Carlos.
“Uh, welcome,” added Danny.
Evie made an awkward murmur.
“He looks like he knows how to have a good time,” said Carlos. His tone made me shiver, too close to that of the elder ghosts—not ravenous, but bored. “How about it, you ready to party?”
“Or not,” said Danny. “If that’s not your scene, you’re in good company.”
“Should I tell them?” asked Evie.
“I’m not dead,” said Ren.
He gave them a minute, in which I could only imagine they were staring. I wondered if he would find it funny or not.
“Say what?”
“You see us?”
Ren laughed, more sweet than bitter for a change. “I see you.”
He sounded so sure, it didn’t feel like he was talking about his second sight. Like they were friends, and he was jokingly calling them out on some kind of mischief. I see what you’re doing there.
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody,” he went on. “I’m just here to bring stuff, and, like, get a sneak peek of the afterlife, I guess.”
“Are you seriously… not dead?” said Danny.
You’d think we were the living and he was the ghost.
“May I?” asked Carlos.
“Go ahead.”
He must’ve tried to touch Ren. Of course, his hand would simply disappear through him.
“That’s so wild!”
Ren owned it. “Right?”
“Who are you?” Danny’s voice went low with awe. “How is this possible?”
“If you figure it out, let me know,” said Ren.
“Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”
“Not at all.”
“Make yourself at home,” said Carlos.
“So, you’ve been able to see us for a long time?” asked Danny.
Ren laughed. “It’s a long story.”
I tried to think of where else to be. I couldn’t risk staying while he lingered under the same roof. He could appear around any corner, so out of place amongst the vines and crumbling walls, breathing in all that dust and fuck knows what else. This place couldn’t be any better for his lungs than I’d been for his heart.
I spirited to his apartment. As long as I knew he wouldn’t be there, I might as well check for any new geists.
It didn’t take long. Not nearly long enough. I circled twice. While I waited, giving him some more time, I lay down on the bed. As if I could rub my cheek on the pillow, take in his scent. I could only imagine it, lying there, remembering how his face looked so close to mine.
All too soon, I had to get up, because I felt a little creepy. Then again, as a fucking ghost, I couldn’t exactly help it.
* * *
I didn’t really want to be at Clementine’s. But I couldn’t go back and eavesdrop anymore. Or join the wallflowers and Ren, still talking even after they’d surveyed him.
So I just got drunk by myself, ignoring all the other ghosts. Nobody had anything new to say, as usual. And I didn’t feel like eating leftovers.
“Long time no see,” said Carlos.
I flinched in surprise, not expecting that he’d ever speak to me again, after so long giving me the cold shoulder. Had I done something to piss him off again? He might not ask me to step outside, but he wouldn’t be shy about telling me off, either. I braced for it.
“You’ll never believe who showed up at the Haunt.”
If my surprise showed on my face, he must’ve thought I hadn’t heard anything. I played along like I hadn’t eavesdropped. “Who died?”
“Nobody, that’s what’s so wild! It’s your old roomie.”
“Ren?” I asked, pretty convincingly. I still hardly believed it. He must’ve given them the full story.
Carlos told me all about their hangout, from the parts that I’d heard up to everything I’d missed. After the survey, he’d stuck around to shoot the shit while playing some games. It sounded like a good time.
“It’s too bad he’s alive,” said Carlos. “He’s so cute.”
I really wanted a drink to hide behind.
“You should hang out with us next time.” He must’ve really meant it, forgiving me at last, because he leaned in to clap me on the shoulder.
I barely had enough time to get my walls up, trying to keep from cringing, stiff to the touch. “I don’t know if I’d be welcome.”
He let go, gesturing widely. “Are you kidding? We miss you. It got weird for a minute there… but just a minute. We’ve got forever, so let’s make like all these dusty old fuckers and forget.”
Maybe I shouldn’t have asked. “Does everybody miss me?”
“Ren talked about you a lot,” he said, with a wingman’s smile that chilled me to the bone.
“What about Evie?”
That killed the grin. He let out a sympathetic whistle. “Just talk to her.”
I gave a decisive shake of the head. “I hurt her too bad.”
“She’s more hurt that you didn’t even say anything.”
“You sure?”
“I mean, she and I had to have the same talk.” Judging from his wince, it hadn’t been fun. “But you can’t be the best friend all the time, remember? You have to work at it, not just give up and then have no friends left.”
I had given up in life, died friendless. No wonder my wake had such a shitty turnout. Meanwhile, his own must’ve been an absolute rager.
Somehow, despite all the twisting guilt in my guts, I managed to smile. “Thanks for giving me another shot.”
“Someone’s gotta pull you out of the gutter.” He winked.
“You really want me around?” I asked. “No takebacks. From here on out, I’ll be ride or die. Or… you know.”
“No choice,” he said, with a laugh. “Just ride.”
It made my stomach bounce to think of facing Ren, after Evie. But I didn’t want to miss out anymore. I got to my feet.
“Wish me luck,” I said.
He gave me a hug for courage.