Most of the ghosts were still dancing by nightfall, like always. I might not have been able to pull myself out—taken by the feverish heights of the pulse as we staved off our grief—were it not for the sudden dread drenching me like ice water. My drum set disappeared in the moonlight. The usual drummer stopped dancing and took my spot immediately, eager to play himself. That gave me my chance to slip away.
Something had called me, not unlike the pulse. Much fainter, and more frantic, but just as rhythmic, like a heartbeat. Only this one thundered in distress.
Evie still slept in her coma, but she’d been moved, from her old room at home to a hospital. I wondered if there had been aftereffects of some kind. Even some promising signs, like twitching, or a kick.
Ren’s bed, on the other hand, lay empty. I would’ve thought he’d been taken to the bathroom, if not for his monitor screeching in the absence of his pulse. It made some of the other patients join in wailing. There were nurses running. I beat them there.
We were up on the roof. He stood on the ledge, taking in the lack of a view. Nothing but neighboring rooftops, the little sky beyond the clouds too hazy for stars. I could almost smell the rain, just like on my last night alive.
My dead heart seemed to stop beating.
“Don’t you dare.”
“I thought you’d understand,” he said. It must’ve been what he’d told himself on his way through the hospital and up the stairwell. That I would welcome him with open arms.
He still faced the void rather than me. I wondered if it felt good. If there was a nice cool breeze on his face; whether he felt the same roller-coaster thrill in his stomach as I had.
“I understand,” I said, as softly as I could, worried raising my voice might startle him another step farther. “That’s why I’m telling you—don’t.”
“Why not?” he asked. “You did.”
“I wish I hadn’t.”
He finally turned to me, searching my face, like he didn’t believe what he’d heard. “But you’re so much better off.”
I shook my head. Somehow, through the stinging tears, I managed a wry smile. “Believe me, I’ve got some serious hindsight going here. I’m better than I used to be, but that just goes to show I could’ve gotten somewhere, if I’d stayed. There’s so much I want to do now that I can’t.”
He looked dead already. So pale, his eyes barely open, like they didn’t care to take in any more of the world.
“Same here,” he said, flat and unconvinced. “It’s not like I would ever get to do those things, anyway.”
“We all know life isn’t fair. You think death is any better? We’ve found ways to survive here, but that doesn’t change how hard it is to exist apart from the world. At least, on that side, you’re still a part of something greater, even if it isn’t so great most of the time. You still have a chance to make it better.”
His eyes widened. He turned toward me slightly, still called to the edge. “I thought you’d understand.”
I got up with him on the ledge so that he had to look at me, not the void. So that I had to look at him, and not the void.
“I’m still sick,” I said. “In fact, sometimes I still want to die. Just a taste of oblivion. It would be so much easier than all of this. No matter how much I love you, and all our friends. That voice, or impulse, whatever, it’s still in here. I’ve just gotten better at telling it to shut up. And you know what? Maybe I could’ve done that in life. I could’ve bought myself another year, or more, even a decent lifetime. If only I’d tried.”
I made to grab for his hand, like I could share with him the same as another ghost. My fingers didn’t pass straight through. My hand met his.
Just like that, the whole world flipped. As if we’d traded sides of a looking glass. My head swam with the wrongness of it. Never in all my countless daydreams did I ever think getting to touch him would turn my stomach.
In my surprise, I pulled away. “You didn’t.”
His gaze faltered.
It would have been so easy to shatter. Just let go. I already had so much grief I’d shoved down just to make it through the day. This ought to have finally broken me. I wanted to fall to my knees and tear out my hair and scream like a widow.
Aside from the risk of going geist, there wasn’t time for that. I wasn’t good at denial for no reason.
“It’s not too late.”
I looked down over the ledge, his body pale as a sheet in that papery gown against the green of the lawn. He’d fallen several stories. But he’d landed on soft earth—in front of a hospital.
That sparked a fire inside me, springing up bright and fierce in my stomach. I put my hands on his chest, trying to kindle my hope in him. “You could still go back.”
Evie had done it.
He opened his mouth, but I could feel his doubt without him having to voice it.
“We’re at a hospital,” I said. “There are paramedics seconds away. They’ll try to resuscitate you. As long as you’re in there, there’s still a chance.”
He stared, wide-eyed now, my hope blooming in his chest even as his fear ran cold down my spine.
“Won’t it hurt?”
I nearly laughed. “No shit.”
That nearly extinguished the glimmer of possibility stirring in his limbs. But I lifted my hands, stroking up his chest and neck, reaching to cup his face. As I did, under all our hope and fear, I showed him we weren’t dead yet. We warmed each other, both new and familiar, somewhere between puppy love and old and settled.
“It’ll be worth getting to feel again at all,” I said.
He nearly closed his eyes, leaning into my touch. “But I couldn’t feel you.”
It stung to have to pull back, cold in the absence of his warmth. I had to lean away to keep him from yanking me back.
“That’s all you could do around here,” I said. “There’s so much more to love than that. We couldn’t build a life together on this side.”
I gave in and pulled him close again, as he shut his eyes, his sobs catching in my throat.
“You forget how hard it is, just to stay alive,” he said.
“But you’re no better off dead.”
Over his shoulder, down on the lawn, there were paramedics beginning to surround his body.
His resolve steadied me, even as his regret burned in my chest. “What about you?”
Though he couldn’t see it, he surely felt it, as I tried my best to flash my coin-trick smile. “At least I exist.”
His lips felt as familiar as if I’d been kissing him for a lifetime. But we only had a moment, and even that might’ve been too long. So I pushed him. He let himself fall back to his body.
I couldn’t bear to look down. I stepped off the edge and dropped to my knees, staring up at the clouds.
“Please,” I prayed. It surprised me, but I didn’t stop. “Please, please.”