MANY YEARS AGO, I had a member of my team resign rather unexpectedly and unprofessionally. Now, this isn’t one of those team members where you are silently saying, “Yay.” This was a person that I had invested a lot of time, energy, and money in personal and professional development. I thought that the relationship between the two of us was solid, so the sudden departure was quite a surprise. I experienced many emotions with the sudden resignation.
The first was self-doubt. What kind of a leader am I that would cause a person to act this way? Anger. I can’t believe anyone would do this. Fear. Who is going to do this person’s work?
The next week I attended my monthly Vistage peer advisory group and shared my story. Great advice and support poured in. “Colleen, you’re going to be fine. Every time I’ve had turnover, I’ve found an even better person for the position.” “This might be a good time to redefine this position, rewrite the job description.” “There is a lot of talent out there. You might be pleasantly surprised when you start searching for a replacement.”
Then, a member of the group, HK, spoke up. He looked me right in the eyes, paused, and said, “Colleen, you just got kicked in the teeth. Doesn’t feel very good, does it?”
At that moment, the conversation changed because I could actually hear the great advice. I could finally feel the support in the room.
The conversation changed because HK demonstrated empathy, stating what I was really thinking and feeling. He didn’t use generic words like, “You must be frustrated,” or “That must be really disappointing for you.” No, he stepped into my mind, heart, and shoes and said exactly what I was feeling. I felt like I’d been kicked in the teeth.
This is one of the most important principles to teach your team when teaching empathy. People can’t hear your advice until they feel like you’ve heard them. Prospects and customers are people and can’t hear a salesperson’s great solution until they feel like the salesperson has heard them.
The Challenge in Teaching Empathy
Each generation of sales leaders is presented with different challenges in achieving revenue. Empathy is first and foremost a paying attention skill and today’s challenge is many salespeople and sales managers are losing their ability to pay attention. As a result, they lack the ability to demonstrate empathy.
One of today’s biggest distractors affecting a person’s ability to pay attention is the smartphone. For many people, it’s become their adult binky. They don’t go anywhere without it. The problem is that when a person has their adult binky in one hand, they are not paying full attention. They send a clear message to the other person that he or she is important—but not more important than any incoming message. Sadly, the new normal for many people is to conduct “half-conversations” with people. Half of the conversation is invested in speaking to the person, the other half of the conversation is spent glancing down at their cell phone for fear of missing . . . anything. Not a great stage for holding empathetic and deep conversations.
Let me say it again. (And again, and again.) Empathy is a paying attention skill and is developed only by carefully observing how your words and actions land on another human being. This requires looking up and around instead of down, staring at a computer, tablet, or cell phone. Empathetic salespeople are tuned into both verbal and nonverbal communication. Simply put, your salespeople must be present to win in order to create an emotional connection with prospects and customers.
In 2010, a team at the University of Michigan led by the psychologist Sara Konrath put together the findings of seventy-two studies conducted over a thirty-year period and found a 40 percent decline in the markers for empathy (measured as the ability to recognize and identify the feelings of others) among college students. Most of the decline took place after 2000, which led the researchers to link it to the new presence of digital communications. Sales leaders, it’s time to change that statistic.
The Tuned-in Sales Team
How can a salesperson possibly influence another human being if she doesn’t know, care, or demonstrate what her prospects and customers are thinking or feeling?
The short answer is, she can’t.
We’ve all heard the buying principle, “People buy emotionally, not logically.” It’s important to take this phrase beyond the cliché it’s become and really teach your sales team how the best salespeople and influencers make an emotional connection with prospects and customers.
Brene Brown, author of Dare to Lead, shares an important perspective in showing empathy.
Understanding emotions in others and communicating our understanding of these emotions requires us to be in touch with our own feelings.
A salesperson with well-developed emotional literacy must first be in touch with his own emotions before he can recognize and respond to the emotional states of others. A salesperson can’t tune into others until he has tuned into himself. It’s the foundation of healthy relationships, both personal and professional.
That’s why it’s important for salespeople to carve out quiet time. It’s only in the stillness that salespeople can tune into their emotions, what they are thinking or feeling. It’s only in the stillness that salespeople can reflect on how their words and actions are landing on others.
Encourage your sales team to take a deeper dive into their emotions, because it’s easy for all of us to default to easy, generic labeling of emotions. For example, I might say that I am angry—but with reflection and introspection, I recognize that I’m actually feeling disappointment. Salespeople say they are nervous but the reality is they are feeling intimidated, a very different emotion. A salesperson screws up a sales call and shares that she’s upset. Dig a little deeper and you will find she’s not upset; she’s embarrassed by the face-plant she just experienced in front of a prospect. When a salesperson is tuned into her emotions, she moves beyond generic labeling of her own emotions. As a result, she’s better at tuning into the real emotional temperature of prospects and clients. She’s better at stating what a prospect or customer is really thinking or feeling.
Teach Real-World Empathy
Sales managers often miss the mark in teaching this powerful skill. They confuse empathy with validation or paraphrasing skills. These listening skills are important throughout the sales conversation, but these skills are not empathy skills.
Validation or paraphrasing skills involve repeating what a prospect or customer says to ensure alignment. Empathy is saying what a person is thinking or feeling—and here’s the challenge: prospects and customers often don’t say what they are thinking or feeling!
Dr. Peter Drucker sums it up quite nicely: “The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.”
Here’s an example of a salesperson applying validation skills instead of empathy skills. A salesperson meets with a prospect and the prospect shares her business problem, her pain. “We’re really frustrated with slow response time from our current vendor. We aren’t getting our phone calls or any email questions returned in a timely manner.” The salesperson responds with validation skills and a hint of empathy. “I can understand why that is frustrating. So, if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re tired of your current supplier not returning calls and emails quickly enough.”
Ouch. This salesperson missed the opportunity to emotionally connect with the prospect. He simply repeated what the prospect said. He didn’t say what the prospect was really thinking or feeling.
Empathetic salespeople are able to describe the underlying emotion a prospect is feeling and why they are feeling the emotion.
• Perhaps this prospect’s frustration comes from feeling stupid because she allowed herself to be sold a bill of goods, and now she’s stuck dealing with problems from choosing a lousy vendor.
• Maybe the prospect’s frustration is pressure. “I’m spending all my time dealing with upset customers because this supplier keeps missing deadlines.”
• The prospect’s frustration is really self-doubt. “I thought I did a good job of vetting this company. Jeez, I don’t even know what questions to ask in order to make a better buying decision the next time.”
A salesperson who is emotionally fluent tunes into the spoken and unspoken conversation. He tunes into his own emotions, recognizing times where he experienced similar thoughts and feelings. As a result, he’s better able to demonstrate empathy when responding to a prospect’s concern.
A better, more empathetic response might be, “Ms. Prospect, if I were sitting in your seat, I might be feeling like a victim of a classic sales bait and switch. You received a lot of promises from your current vendor, with few deliverables. And you also might be wondering if I’m going to tell you whatever you want to hear in order to earn your business. Am I reading this situation correctly?” The empathetic salesperson waits to hear a yes or no. Even if the answer is a no, my experience is that a prospect will open up, provide a correction to my statement, and share their true feelings.
Real-world empathy is saying what a prospect is really thinking or feeling. Empathy creates deeper sales conversations, ones that prospects and customers crave. They are tired of BS sales conversations, superficial conversations. They want to engage in real-world conversations.
Empathy creates an emotional connection with another human being. When a salesperson creates an emotional connection, she elevates the conversation. And when the conversation is elevated, the conversation changes—as does the business relationship.
Empathy changes the sales conversation.
Empathy, Objections, and Sales Elephants
When I started selling many years ago, I was taught to overcome the objection at least seven times. I really should go back and apologize to all the prospects I put through that painful process. Pretty sure their reptilian brains were shouting, “Danger, danger . . . this salesperson is never leaving this appointment without an order.”
Fortunately, I learned a better way to deal with objections. And that better way is using my empathy skills to bring up potential objections. The empathetic salesperson tunes into what a prospect is not saying and proactively brings up potential concerns and objections. In our sales training workshops, we call it the sales elephant in the room. (We actually have a big stuffed elephant named Eddie we use during training workshops.)
Empathy is a key skill in dealing with objections. Stop teaching your sales team to overcome objections. Instead, teach your sales team to tune into the unspoken conversation, the unspoken objections. When a salesperson is put in a position of overcoming objections, he is playing defense, not offense. As a result, it’s easy for a salesperson to push too hard, sending prospects into fight or flight responses. Their brains shut down—as does the conversation.
Salespeople who bring up the objection—particularly the unspoken objection, the sales elephant—elevate trust. The prospect thinks, “This salesperson really understands my world. He’s just not trying to sell me. He gets my worries about making a change, investing dollars, working with a new vendor.”
It eliminates superficial conversations, ones that dance around the real issues for changing, buying, or moving a deal forward.
Empathy, Influence, and Sales Results
Mary is a top performer for a recruiting firm. Her hard work pays off in securing a first meeting with a prospect who is not happy with their current provider of recruiting services. All the sales stars are lining up for an effective sales meeting. The prospect has a business problem and fits Mary’s ideal client profile. She is meeting with the CEO, the power and economic buyer.
During the exploratory call, the prospect shares his pain around turnover and culture misfits. Mary does a great job of asking all of the consultative selling questions (Sales IQ), and the provocative questions during the meeting. The prospect is engaged, gives a lot of buying signals, but also mentions his worry about changing vendors. He asks Mary several questions about the size of her company, as their current recruiting firm is much larger than Mary’s company. They decide to move forward and set up a second meeting, where Mary is confident that she can present a better plan for recruiting top talent.
During this meeting, the prospect doesn’t seem quite as open as the first meeting. Mary is so intent on delivering her well-thought-out recommendations that she misses the emotional cues given from the prospect—the conversation that isn’t happening.
The prospect is gracious and asks Mary for two days to think about the recommendations. Mary sets up a clear next step, connects with the prospect only to hear, “We’ve decided to stay with the existing recruiting firm.”
What just happened? Mary brought great Sale IQ skills to the meeting, asking the right questions, meeting with the right buyer, uncovering budget. She set up clear next steps. What Mary didn’t bring to the sales meeting was empathy—Sales EQ. She missed the sales elephants in the room, the unspoken objections.
Mary didn’t step into the shoes of her prospect. The prospect recognizes that his current vendor might be average; however, his reptilian brain is fearful of change and the unknown. This part of the brain stepped into the decision-making process posing questions such as, “How do you know this new company is really going to be any better? They are a smaller staffing firm. Can they really meet the demands of a company our size?”
A better sales outcome may have resulted if Mary had tuned into what the prospect was really thinking or feeling when it came to switching vendors. “Jim, I’m getting the feeling you might have some concerns about changing vendors. And if I were sitting on your side of the table, I might have two worries. The perceived hassle of change . . . is it going to be worth it? And the size of our firm. Do we really have the resources to service your company? Am I reading this situation correctly?”
Now the conversation is about to change because Mary has stepped into the prospect’s head, heart, and shoes. The conversation shifts from a superficial sales conversation to the real issues preventing a sale.
Remind your sales team they don’t have to agree with another person’s perspective to demonstrate empathy. What they do have to do is work hard at seeing the world from that person’s perspective. How can you influence another human being if you can’t state what they are thinking or feeling?
You can’t.
Don’t Miss the Meeting after the Sales Meeting
Be aware that when you teach the concept of proactively bringing up the sales elephant, your sales team will get nervous. They will object to this approach! Salespeople mistakenly think that bringing up objections will derail the sales call. Nothing could be further from the truth. Salespeople who don’t pay attention to the dynamics occurring during a sales conversation miss the meeting after the sales meeting.
You know the one I’m talking about.
The salesperson wraps up the meeting and leaves. The next meeting occurs, the real meeting. The decision makers get together and start addressing their fears and concerns about switching vendors, investing more money, or making a purchase. This meeting occurs without the salesperson present to facilitate the sales conversation. And often, these conversations are based on false information, perceptions, or a prior bad experience with another salesperson.
Fears include:
• Is the timing right?
• Can we afford the business disruption?
• How do we know if this vendor can really deliver?
• They are a small company . . . can they really deliver services to an organization our size?
• They are a big company . . . are we going to be just another number to them?
• They haven’t done a lot of work in our industry . . . are we going to spend time and money getting them up to speed on our business?
• I wonder if we can do this ourselves.
• They’ve only been in business five years. Are they financially stable?
• Their services are more expensive. Will we get the ROI?
• And the list goes on . . .
I have closed more than one business deal because I applied empathy and tuned into the emotional cues being given by the prospect, which resulted in discussion around the sales elephant in the room.
In fact, I remember my first sales call where I finally had the self-awareness, empathy, and let’s throw in courage to bring up the sales elephant.
The Sales Elephant in the Board Room
Years ago, I was referred into a law firm by one of my referral partners with the goal of improving the firm’s business development strategies and skills. The meeting was held in a beautiful boardroom with eight partners of the firm. We had a good dialogue around training objectives and outcomes. Then, the conversation moved from a dialogue to a cross-examination. One of the partners wanted to know if I could guarantee results. He asked several questions about my “sales degree.” He wanted references speaking to my credibility and results. I knew this buyer was a high analytical and needed a lot of data. But I also knew that there was an unspoken objection in the room that needed to be dealt with. “I am happy to provide references; however, let’s talk about the real challenge your firm needs to tackle before you sign up for any kind of business development training. Everyone in your firm bills out at $350 to $600 an hour. The real problem isn’t going to be our training methodology or my expertise. What I teach works—if the client does the work. The real problem will be convincing members of your team to attend training. I’m guessing there will be a few individuals who will view the training as costing them money rather than making them money.” The sales elephant was sitting in the middle of that beautiful table, trunk raised. Silence. Then laughter broke out because the partners knew I was right. We ended up working together and I am sure one of the main reasons for winning the business was because I was willing to bring up the unspoken objection. I didn’t miss the meeting after the meeting.
Teach, Practice, Repeat
Repetition is the key to mastery, and improving empathy takes a lot of repetition. I love the blocking and tackling side of pre-briefing and debriefing sales calls, the mechanics of sales coaching.
“What has the prospect tried to do to fix this problem?”
“Where else is this business problem affecting the prospect?”
“How committed is the prospect to making a change?”
“What is their decision process when purchasing . . . ?”
Equally important to include in your coaching sessions is empathy coaching. Keep reminding your sales team to step out of their sales shoes and into the shoes of their prospects and clients. Design coaching questions that raise self-awareness, other awareness, and improve empathy skills.
“What do you think is the prospect’s biggest worry in changing vendors?”
“Our services are new and innovative. What do you think your prospect’s biggest concern is when buying a service that hasn’t been field-tested for ten years?”
“It sounds like your decision maker is really swamped at work. What’s a day in the life like for this person? Even if they logically know they should make a change, how is their reptilian brain going to react to the perception of more work?”
“How is your personality style affecting the conversation? Are you adapting or sending prospects into fight or flight responses?”
Empathy is a powerful influence skill, one that takes time, training, and repetition to master. Make empathy training a part of your sales training process. How can you influence another human being if you don’t know or care about what they are thinking or feeling?
You can’t.
Sales Leaders EQ Action Plan
1. Improve your sales team’s emotional self-awareness. Ask them to identify their emotions to better tune into the emotions of prospects and customers.
2. Model and teach the value of paying attention.
3. Teach your sales team the difference between paraphrasing and real-world empathy.
4. Teach your sales team the power of empathy first, advice and solutions second.
5. Include empathy coaching questions in your sales call debriefs.