Tuesday, February 7
“I can’t believe it’s been eighteen months,” I said, stroking Courtney’s headstone.
Today marked a year and a half since Josh and Courtney had been murdered. Time had moved painfully slow but also too fast. I missed Courtney every day, but I had finally come to terms with the fact that I’d never see her again.
Blake sat beside me, not really knowing what to say. That hadn’t changed. Even after the two of us practically being joined at the hip, he was still a bit rubbish with feelings. Still, he managed to make me feel like the only girl in the world with just one look.
“I know, babe,” he said, squeezing my knee.
“I’ve lost far too many people.” I turned to him and gripped the hand that was now resting on my leg. “I almost lost you too…” My throat closed with emotion. It was too difficult to think about that day.
“Nah, was never gonna happen. Aaron had bloody awful aim.” I swallowed hard and dropped my eyes to the grass. Blake used humor; I was so not there yet. “Sorry, that was insensitive. You’d think after all this time, I’d get better at that stuff. I’m sorry, Mackenzie,” he apologized.
I couldn’t help but smile. The most inappropriate things spurted from his mouth, but he never failed to make me smile. I could be so distraught and one awkward word from him would put a grin on my face.
“You’re better than you give yourself credit for…sometimes,” I said.
“You’re just saying that because you want to get in my pants.”
Rolling my eyes with my lips curved, I turned my attention back to my friend. “You would have been rooting for Blake from the start, Court.”
I had no doubt Courtney would have liked Blake once she really got to know him. She would have been the one sitting on my bed, going on and on about how obvious it was that we would eventually happen.
“She had taste,” Blake teased.
Well, that wasn’t quite true, but I didn’t want to bad-mouth Josh.
“Say it,” Blake said in a dead tone. “Whatever you’re thinking about Josh, just say it.”
I squeezed his hand. “No. You already know what I think. I’m not going there again. Not anymore.” Not now he wasn’t around. Everyone knew my opinion of Josh, so I didn’t feel the need to keep reinforcing it. I’d let it go.
“Such a good girl,” Blake muttered.
“You know why, Blake,” I whispered.
“I do. I just don’t know what the difference is. You think it, so why not say it?”
Blake was the type of person who would stick to his convictions no matter what, whereas I believed that after someone was gone, you shouldn’t speak ill of them—aloud anyway.
“Because he’s dead. I won’t be the type of person that pisses over—” Blake’s burst of laughter made me roll my eyes. He loved it when I swore because it didn’t happen often. “There’s something very wrong with you.”
“My life would be very dull without you, Kenz.”
I think that’s the other way around.
“I never know what to say when I visit Josh or Pete,” he continued. “People around are chatting away, and I’m just sitting there like an idiot.”
“You don’t have to say anything. It’s enough that you visit.”
“Please,” he said. “Josh is definitely up there making some snarky comment.”
Probably. At first, when I started visiting Tilly and Gigi, I sat in silence for hours. It wasn’t until about a month later that I just started chatting about the things we would have talked about if they were still here, and then I started to tell them about things I was doing and my plans for the future.
“It seems like just yesterday we were bickering on the way to the cabin.” I ran my hand over the soft grass that had grown over the mound of dirt. “I can’t believe a weekend away ended like this,” I said, taking a breath.
“Hey,” Blake said, squeezing my hand and leaning over to kiss the side of my head. “You want to get out of here now? It always upsets you.”
“Sure,” I replied and stood up with him. I would have stayed longer if I had been alone, but I knew how much Blake hated it when I cried. And I didn’t want to sit in a churchyard all morning sobbing.
We walked toward the road hand in hand. Being with him wasn’t easy, but we’d fought our way through a lot together, so neither of us was going to give up just because things weren’t always simple. We got a lot of stares still, and our relationship was judged and picked apart on a daily basis, but people who thought we shouldn’t be together only made us stronger.
“Where to now, Miss Keaton?” he asked.
“Megan’s, Kyle’s, and then back to check on your mum.”
“And when you’ve finished checking up on everyone else, are we going to make sure you’re OK?”
“I’m OK. I’ll cry later, when I’m home alone.”
“First, I’m staying with you tonight. And second, you don’t need to schedule your emotions around me. Besides, I’m getting used to the over-the-top, complete head-fuck that are females.”
I laughed at his interesting choice of words, shaking my head as we walked toward Megan’s house. “Thanks for that. I really am doing OK today though. Better than I thought I would be.”
Sixteen months of intense therapy later, and I was actually doing all right. I still only trusted three people in the world: Mum, Dad, and Blake. But I was coping and living. Putting my trust in other people was hard now. Not only had I learned that people were capable of doing truly awful things, but also that my ability to read people may as well have been nonexistent.
There was still a long road ahead, but I was healing.
And I wasn’t as angry with Aaron as I had been. He wasn’t evil. I truly believed he was sick, and Megan had told me that he was receiving the help that he needed. Maybe if we’d realized what he was going through sooner, Courtney and Josh would still be here. But we didn’t know.
Since that day, I had seen Aaron once in prison. He’d explained himself, and then I’d left. It was difficult to see him looking so lost and afraid, but he’d done something terrible and he needed to be held accountable. Recently, I had been thinking about going back to visit him in prison though. I had started to slowly forgive him. If there was anything good that could come out of this, it would be for Aaron to get better.
No one apart from Kyle, Megan, and his parents had bothered with him. I didn’t want to be one of those people who’d turned their backs on him if there was a chance he could change. I wanted the old Aaron back so badly. Blake was constantly reminding me to keep my expectations realistic though. The old Aaron I loved so much might never come back.
With time, I had also started to forgive him for trying to set up Blake and stabbing him. I wasn’t there yet, but I didn’t want to carry a grudge and hate around. It was exhausting.
Blake didn’t talk about forgiveness much, but he did tell me that he wouldn’t hold it against me if I wanted to be there for Aaron. I knew I wouldn’t lose Blake, so I was all for it.
“What would you say if I told you I want to visit Aaron?” I asked, looking up at Blake, so I could see his reaction.
His eyes turned stormy and he held my hand a fraction tighter. “I’d say you were crazy. But you have this need to help people and I love you for it. I knew you would want to see him, Mackenzie. I’ve been fine with it for a while and was just waiting for you to get there. I love you more than I hate him, and that will never change.”
My heart melted into a puddle. Blake wasn’t the romantic type, so he didn’t say I love you every hour. When he said he cared for me, the words meant so much.
Sometimes I gave myself ulcers stressing over how we got together. Would it make Blake feel like he couldn’t break up with me? Blake told me I was worrying over nothing and needed to discuss it at my next counseling session.
“I love you so much, Blake.”
Smirking, his eyes flicked back to their usual state. “Well, of course.”
“Do you think you’ll ever grow up?”
“Not if I can help it,” he replied.
Good. I loved him just the way he was. We had years before we needed to grow up anyway. I was finally learning how to be a carefree teenager again, so I was determined to enjoy it.
Megan was alone in her house; I could tell that just from looking at it. When her parents were home, there was always a window open, a light on, music, energy.
Groaning, I said, “I bet she’s upset.”
Blake looked like he wanted to head for the hills, but instead of making an excuse to leave, he squeezed my hand. We walked straight inside.
“Megan!” I called. I found her in the kitchen. She sat at the large pine table. She was wearing her coat, scarf, and gloves, so she’d either just got home or was about to go out. There was a gun on the table. Her dad had a few and I’d seen them about, but not when he wasn’t at home.
“Hey,” I said, worried. “Megs, are you OK?”
She didn’t move.
“Who’s is this?” Blake asked, picking up the gun from the table to admire it.
“It’s her dad’s. Put it down,” I said. I’d never liked guns. They kind of intimidated me.
Blake put it back on the table.
Megan didn’t move, but her mouth did widen in a grin.
“Seriously, Megan, you’re scaring me. Are you OK? Did something happen?”
Have you spoken to Aaron? Is he OK?
Eighteen months ago, he was taking his Rohypnol-laced vodka out of the case and checking where the knives were stored in the cabin’s kitchen. Would he be thinking about today?
“Megan, answer Mackenzie,” Blake said and then waved his hand in front of her face. “Hey, are you OK?”
I could’ve kicked him. If I hadn’t been so worried about Megan and focused on her, I would have. Her eyes were dull and sunken, like she hadn’t slept for days. Maybe she hadn’t. Blake, Kyle, and I had gone to the movies yesterday, but Megan had canceled at the last minute. Getting back to some version of normal was still really hard for her, and I think the anniversary brought back the loss of Tilly and Gigi too.
Blake sighed. “Kenzie’s worried, Megan. What happened?”
“They killed her. They killed them both,” Megan whispered. Her eyes were wide and still fixed on the table.
Blake and I looked at each other. He looked utterly lost. I was right there with him.
“Megan, who are you talking about?” I asked.
“You know who I’m talking about,” she spat.
Yes, I do.
“It wasn’t Courtney and Josh’s fault, Megan. Come on, you know that.”
I felt like I’d just been catapulted back a year. Everything I’d worked so hard to put behind me started to crumble. I couldn’t go through all of this again.
“Megs, please. Don’t let Aaron get to you.”
She shook her head slowly from side to side and her lip curled at the edge. “But it wasn’t Aaron, Mackenzie. It was me.”