He must’ve been nearby because it only took him fifteen minutes to get to her mother’s house after she texted him the address. As instructed, he parked a few houses away and sent the thumbs-up emoji as the cue to come on out. By the time she dealt with a decent goodbye amidst her mother and aunt’s fallout and managed to escape, another five or ten minutes had slipped away.
“Sorry I took so long. Mothers…” she scoffed with an exhausted laugh, climbing into the cab of the truck.
But, Nico didn’t join in her playful criticism. Stone-faced, he flipped his wrist to check the time and put the truck in gear impatiently as Julie closed the door. Without waiting for her to buckle herself, he merged into traffic, cutting off an apple-red hatchback in the process.
Even at the honking horn, he flattened his foot on the accelerator. Julie clutched the oh-shit bar, instinctively pressing her own feet down hard against the floor mat. Her heart raced as she frantically scanned the lanes in front and on the sides of them.
Why was he driving so wild and reckless? Was he mad? At her?
It was a mistake to have come along, she told herself. But she was here now. He could’ve said no. He could’ve told her if he had changed his mind, but he didn’t.
Whether it was the best time or not, she turned her body toward Nico and cut her eyes at him and said, “If you didn’t want me to come, you should have just said so, instead of driving like a fucking psycho because you’re pissed that I took too long to come out.”
She took his silence as an admission of guilt. “Don’t worry about me. Let me out at the next light and I’ll get an Uber.”
Her words were harsh, but Nico didn’t flinch. He kept his eyes fixed on the road and swerved into a hard left. Down a block on the right side, the sign for the cemetery came into view. “Relax. It’s not about you. I’m going to miss it.”
For the life of her, Julie couldn’t figure what he’d miss. Picking her battles, she resigned herself to let his attitude slide, given where they were headed. As he pulled into a space in front of an austere administration building in shades of cream and beige with sparse desert landscaping and sloped lawns surrounding it, she remained seated. She watched as he gathered a manila envelope with tattered edges and black writing on the front. He leaned over the armrest to grab a beautiful bouquet of yellow and white flowers.
She eyed him as he got out of the truck and patted his pockets meticulously like he was double-checking to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything.
He made it all the way to the curb before he realized that Julie hadn’t followed him. When he looked back at her, in her usual headstrong way, Julie turned her attention toward the side window and didn’t return it. Only when his face filled the glass before her did she meet his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he said through the tinted window. “Please come with me.”
It could’ve been because she felt guilty for taking his time. Or it might have been the humble sweetness in his request, but she unlatched her seatbelt and unlocked the door. As he opened her door for her, he apologized a second time, traces of remorse evident as his voice trailed off.
In that moment, with her acceptance of his apology, their rough start to the day seemed to ebb away. Ever so gently, Nico locked the door behind Julie and settled his warm hand on the small of her back and guided her down the path.
Even as they had walked over to Nico’s father’s plot, Julie found herself playing a warped game of hopscotch, making a concerted effort not to step on anyone. Though she tried not to, she couldn’t help figuring the ages at death. A couple of times she had to hang on to Nico to steady herself to keep moving in the right direction. There were people with full lives that she hoped were fruitful and others whose had been cut short way too soon. A current of emotions welled up inside her, overwhelming her in a way she wasn’t quite ready for.
Julie stared at the headstone with a huge butterfly in the top right corner.
In Loving Memory of
Nicholas “Nico” Farfalla Sr.
Son. Husband. Father.
May 29, 1951 - September 26, 2012
It was his name. Well, his dad’s name, but it was the same. His namesake. Nico was a junior, her butterfly.
Julie read further down and noticed the dates. That’s what Nico didn’t want to miss—his birthday.
“I’m so sorry, Nico.” She clapped her hands over her mouth.
Suddenly, remorse settled in her chest. She had stalled and dilly-dallied with her mom and aunt over something so frivolous as a shared phone number, when Nico had the weight of his father’s birthday on his mind. Julie mentally scoured herself for coming at all. She wished she wasn’t here. She was no good at this kind of thing.
Not that cemeteries were really anyone’s thing, but she hadn’t had enough practice to know what to do with herself when it came to them. Aside from some fourth or fifth cousin who had died before she was born, there was only her father that she actually knew well enough to be sad about it, and her mother had kept her away from the burial. Her mom didn’t want the scarring effects that funerals sometimes had on younger children for her daughter.
“It’s okay. I’m okay here,” he said.
Now, looking at Nico’s name engraved in stone before her, it got to be too much. Her heart pounded hard against her chest as worry built up. They’d only recently acknowledged that there might be something beginning between them and now the very literal reminder stared her in the face—he could be gone at any time.
Julie backed away. Still in earshot of Nico with his father, she turned toward the main building. It would be devastating to have to hear and see him with such raw emotion. So, she listened.
Behind her, she heard the pendulum in Nico’s voice swing from unfiltered agony at his father’s absence, to pure elation as he recalled memories of times they shared. Mostly, it was the way the smallest things that he remembered—events which wouldn’t even register with another person—that stuck with Julie. The words were so private and intimate, she almost felt like she was trespassing on their moment.
“Mom brought out the pictures from that Fourth of July at the lake,” he began, releasing a robust laugh. He talked about the car he finally finished repairing that they started together. How he was taking care of his mother now and didn’t want his dad to worry. His constant quest to make sure he was a person his dad would be proud to call a son. And when he trailed off, the confession to his father that he might have found someone important.
Over her shoulder she peeked at him now. His back was turned at an angle and she could see his profile. His voice was low and shaky. From where he rested on his knees, his watery eyes shimmered in the falling sun, a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.
At first, it was hard for her to hear through the rustling of leaves in the light breeze, but as they settled, Nico’s voice came in clearly.
“…Beautiful, and self-deprecating, and kind of a pain in the ass, but you would like her. She’s clumsy and smart. She does this thing with her hair when she’s nervous and it drives me wild.” He laughed, totally comfortable like they had done this a zillion times. “And her eyes…they tell on her. Every little whim that crosses her mind flies through them and I can read all of them as clear as if they were my own thoughts.”
Julie found herself squaring her body to him, her ears stretching further to reach as he continued.
“And she’s perfect. She doesn’t know it, but that’s what makes her special. She’s got this idea that she needs to change and reinvent herself, but for me, I’d take her just the way she is.”
He paused for a beat and Julie whipped back around toward the building, careful not to tell on herself for eavesdropping. He must have known she was in earshot, but he either believed she had the decency not to listen, or he didn’t care that she could hear.
Her heart pounded and every nerve-ending on her skin pulsed. Nico was…what? He liked her a lot? Love?
He began again.
“I guess my point in telling you all this, Dad, is…I need a sign or something. Is this how it was with you and Mom? How did you know?” he asked.
Julie turned on her heels at his silence. He must have been searching for the sign, stilling himself to hear a bird chirp or a whisper of the scattered trees in the wind.
She knew the quiet always seemed to hurt the most. When there was no reply, after you’ve emptied your heart and still you’re alone. This outpouring of emotion was real for him, and Julie couldn’t bear to see him crushed.
She ran to him, kneeled down in front of him and held him tight. “I’m so sorry, Nico.” She trailed light kisses on his forehead and squeezed him, hoping to free some of his pain. And in her embrace, he cried freely, wrapping his arms around her waist as a white butterfly landed on her shoulder.
“I just miss him,” he said, his voice strangled and hoarse. “He’s supposed to be here, telling me what to do, telling me he’s proud, that he loves me.”
For the longest time, they kneeled there holding each other, blocking out the world around them. From the hard thud of their hearts beating, Julie could feel the weight of this moment, heavy on both of them.
“It’s his birthday.” Nico broke the silence. “We meet every year on his birthday at four. It was his favorite time of day. Once he told me it was when the colors of the sky were the prettiest.”
Julie followed his eyes. Shades of pale pink and orange weaved through a somber cerulean blue, painting the sky a magnificent masterpiece. It left a melancholy stain on her, knowing it wouldn’t last, as night had already begun to fall.
A little while later, Nico and Julie sat in his truck, still in the parking lot of the cemetery. Uncertainty and tension filled the cab. Something had changed between them today. Julie wasn’t sure what, but she had a feeling that when he left her tonight, nothing would be the same again.
“Thanks for letting me come with you today,” she said.
He turned toward her now. “I’m glad you came. It’s never been easy coming here alone.”
She nodded and shifted in her seat to face him. “I’m sure. I just…I don’t know. It’s really heavy, you know?”
Just as Nico opened his mouth to say something, the sky lit up. A vibrant, glittery display of fireworks filled the window before them. Julie let out a small gasp, in awe of the dazzling lights. “It’s amazing!” she exclaimed.
Nico slouched lower in the seat to see the sky. “That’s part of why I love coming out here each year. It just so happens that Dad’s birthday fell on the holiday this year, so it’s extra special. The fireworks are like the candles on his cake.” He smiled.
“Yeah.”
As they watched a rainbow of fire bursting into the air, Julie heard Nico expel a deep breath. “I think I’m falling for you, Julie,” he muttered.
He didn’t turn to her. There was no grand gesture or outburst of emotion, just a statement, a fact. A minor detail he conveniently forgot to mention. It was as if he had just said, “I’m going to pick up the dry cleaning tomorrow,” or “grab me a case of beer while you’re out at the store.”
Oh, no big deal. No big deal at all.