Five Conversation Categories

As Christians, we want to enjoy God-honoring friendships. But how do we keep relationships with the opposite sex platonic when friendship is all that is desired? And for the special someone who catches your eye, what is okay to talk about with her or him? How can you get to know one another without getting prematurely attached? Being aware of the context and content helps, but breaking it down to basic building blocks of conversation gives us a better grasp of where a conversation is going emotionally. The 5 Conversation Categories help us do just that.

The following 5 Conversation Categories[3] help raise awareness of the emotional level beneath every interaction. As we navigate each category, we can intentionally develop deeper intimacy with our boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. Understanding the categories can help us recognize when the discussion slips too deep with a platonic friend so we can move it back to a healthy, honoring level of friendship. Each category can be intimate depending on how deeply we share. As we progress from 1 to 5, the categories lend themselves to increasing emotional intimacy.

CATEGORY 1: BIO-DATA

This is where relationships usually start and where connections begin. Bio-data involves the facts about a person. You discover that you both like to ski, play Settlers of Catan, drink coffee, or read, or that you both grew up in Tuscaloosa or like a certain band. The questions are endless: Do you have siblings? What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Do you like the Packers or the Vikings? Did you ever have a pet hamster? Where did your family take summer vacations? What church do you go to? Would you rather read a book or take a hike? Do you prefer spicy tacos or fried chicken? Paper Bible or electronic? It takes a lifetime to cover all the get-to-know-you questions. My husband, Jeff, and I recently celebrated our fifteenth wedding anniversary, and I am still learning new things about him. I love that God made us so complex; it is fun that after so much time I still have new territory to uncover!

CATEGORY 2: TESTIMONY, FAITH STORY, OR SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

It is really fun to hear how others have come to understand God’s amazing love for them. I love hearing other people’s faith stories. But it can also lend itself to deeper, more emotional content. So one word of caution when sharing alone with someone of the opposite sex: stick with basic facts at first. Depending on how openly you share your testimony, you might venture into categories 3, 4, or 5, which lend themselves to deeper intimacy. There is plenty of time to share more if or when the relationship progresses. It is always safer to share in a group, where you will be less likely to share “too much.”

For example, remember how Lucy shared with her group of friends that her parents divorced? But later when she was alone with Jack, she opened up about some of her daddy-wounds surrounding that divorce—she jumped to the most intimate category in one sentence. That conversation went much deeper very quickly.

Some questions to ask include the following: When and how did you become a Christian? Why did you choose Christianity? Did you grow up in a Christian home? When and how did this decision to follow Christ start making a real difference in your life?

CATEGORY 3: DREAMS

I’m not talking about that funky dream I had last night where I loaded a dishwasher full of popcorn. What I mean by “dreams” is what keeps you excited and awake thinking about it at night. This topic tends to be more bonding because of what dreams reveal about a person—the whys. People’s motivations drive their dreams. When you know their motives, you know what makes them tick. Why they go after what they go after. Why they say yes or no to life’s opportunities.

When Jeff and I were dating, he switched his major from mechanical to civil engineering. We dreamed that we might live overseas someday, and knowing how to help people get clean water seemed a better fit. (Plus he realized he didn’t like sitting at a desk all day!) So knowing part of Jeff’s dream helped me understand why he decided to switch majors.

Here are a few examples of questions that fall into this category: What do you dream about doing someday? What is on your “bucket list,” and why? When you were five years old, what did you want to be when you grew up? Do you still want to pursue that? Why or why not?

CATEGORY 4: FEARS

I don’t mean your real and understandable fear of spiders. I had to bravely kill an enormous one yesterday when my husband was not home. What I mean here is deeper heart-level fears. For example: What scares you the most? Getting married? Never getting married? Having kids? Not having kids? Your child dying? Cancer? Finding a job after college? Not succeeding in your career? What keeps you awake at night worrying? Why? When did that fear first develop? How do you handle your fears? Are they paralyzing you? Does your spiritual life help you with your fears? How? Emotional ties are more easily formed when we share fears because emotion is attached to them. And when you share that you are afraid of having kids because you had such a terrible childhood, you are quickly going from just the facts to deeper feelings (and hurts) of why (content).

CATEGORY 5: DEEPEST HURTS

We live in a broken world. Other people sin, and it hurts us. We sin and hurt others. We all have wounds that cut to the core of our being. And our deepest wounds often define some of the inmost places of our hearts. Just like our dreams, wounds motivate and influence our actions, thoughts, and choices. Understanding someone else’s (and your own) deepest hurts gives you knowledge not just about who they are but why they are who they are.

Revealing the hard things from your life with someone bonds you to them. This can be very healing and enriching in a marriage or with another brother or sister in Christ you have a close friendship with. Share details about your wounds only with the people you trust the most, those who are most committed to you. Personally, I didn’t share a single deepest hurt with my husband until after we were engaged. And then I probably shared only one! I wanted to know he was fully committed to me before I opened up this deep part of my heart to him.

Some questions fall into this category: What do you most regret? What are the biggest wounds from your past? Who in your past has hurt you the most? Why? What happened? Have you ever had counseling for that wound? How has God brought healing to these areas? Is there anyone from your past who hurt you that you still need to forgive? Are you carrying a grudge or bitterness against anyone?

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So what is okay to say when? We all have to prayerfully decide for ourselves. Err on the side of saving your heart. In general, a woman’s heart can attach more quickly than a man’s because women tend to be more verbal and in tune with their feelings. Either way, we want to be protecting each other as we converse. Even if it feels good to open up, it might not be the right time.

Consider this guideline for all of your interactions:

The level of intimacy should always equal the level of commitment.

Remember the couple I shared about in the beginning who dated throughout college? In the early stages of their relationship the young man intentionally avoided deeper topics, knowing they would lead to attachment before he was ready to commit. In the same way, a man and woman who have just met will avoid sharing intimate details about themselves and will instead focus on learning facts about each other. An engaged couple will likely share facts and feelings from Category 4 and 5. It is safer for them to attach emotionally because of their commitment to stay together.

Remember, context and how deeply you share are important. You can share facts from Category 5 (deepest hurts) in front of a large group without forming attachments to anyone there. When alone with a woman or man who is not your girlfriend or boyfriend, it is safest to stick with the facts and not venture into the deeper categories.

Stop and Discuss

1. To what extent is Christ your main source of fulfillment? Are you looking to others more than to God to meet your emotional needs? Explain.
2. What do you think of the 5 Conversation Categories? How can they help you love others well (either in avoiding uncommitted intimacy or in pushing yourself to go deeper when appropriate)?
3. What categories would you add or take out, if any? Why?
4. How deeply do you think you should share with someone you aren’t in a committed relationship with? Why?
5. Is there anyone in your life whom you think you have unintentionally encouraged to emotionally attach to you? How do you know?
6. If you are in a serious relationship, are you both in agreement with how much you should share with someone else of the opposite sex?

What If You’ve Already Shared Too Much?

Jack and Lucy continue to spend a lot of time together. Lucy knows by now that they will never date but still holds on to the friendship. All of their friends assume they are dating because they are so close. Jack and Lucy deny this, claiming they are truly platonic. They don’t see anything wrong with their friendship. A month later, Jack starts pursuing Emma. Lucy is surprised by how much it hurts to have him spending so much time with someone else. And Emma doesn’t like that he is “best friends” with another girl.

What do we do if we realize we have already formed emotional ties with someone who is not committed to us? I get this question every time my husband and I share these principles with a group. You aren’t alone, and there is hope for healing. We have all overshared at some point. We can ask Christ to take control of that friendship and help us make healthy choices from here on out. Pray what King David prayed to God: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10). Talk with a trusted mentor and ask for specific counsel. Pray with a mentor to break any soul ties (invisible spiritual bonds) that may have formed.

Consider that it might be necessary to stop seeing that person as often, or even at all, for a while. Sometimes it is too painful and confusing to maintain the friendship at the same level. Hopefully, the friendship can be spared with time, but we should give our hearts space and time to heal.

If you think that one of your friends might be emotionally attached to you, and you have no intention of dating him or her, you might need to clarify your relationship. Honor your friend by telling him or her what you have learned about emotional purity; don’t completely pull away and drop out of the friendship. Instead, use the 5 Conversation Categories to guide your interactions with your friend in the future. Keep the level of intimacy equal with your commitment. If you currently spend a lot of time alone together, be intentional about hanging out in groups instead.

Six Ways We Unintentionally Defraud One Another Emotionally

de·fraud: to deprive of something by deception or fraud.[4]

1. Men defraud women or lead them on. Women perceive communication differently. When a man carries on deep conversations alone with a woman with no intention of romance, he is defrauding her heart. He deceives her into thinking he is interested in a romantic relationship. He takes her heart without any commitment to protect it. Men can also abuse this knowledge and use her heart to get to her body.
2. Men defraud men when they give the message that they are good friends but never share who they really are inside—their fears, dreams, or deepest hurts—with each other.
3. Men defraud themselves when they deprive themselves of the opportunity to experience rich community by never going deep with one another. They only ever talk about sports and events, even in contexts where it would be helpful to share more deeply, as in a men’s group or Bible study.
4. Women defraud men. A man might think a woman is really interested in him if she pays him special attention. She enjoys spending a lot of time with him, baking him cookies, and writing him notes, but she isn’t attracted to him romantically. She is defrauding him into thinking there might be something more.
5. Women defraud one another. When a friend comes home after having coffee with a guy, and her roommate reads into every little thing he said or did, the roommate is defrauding her. Forcing her to imagine, interpret, or dwell on the details of her evening does not help her guard her heart. It deprives her of the freedom to enjoy the friendship for what it is. Instead, the roommate can help by keeping their conversation based in reality.
6. Women defraud themselves. When a woman lets her mind wander off, dreaming of a future with a guy who just asked her to dinner, she is defrauding herself. She deprives herself of fully enjoying that friendship at its current level and deceives herself into thinking it is something more than it is. Asking God to help her stop mentally rushing ahead will free her up to enjoy the friendship.