Emotional purity is just as important for your future marriage (should you marry) as it is when you are single. The healthy habits of relating that you practice as a single person will help you develop intimacy in and protect your marriage. If my husband and I only ever talked about our kids’ soccer and swim schedules but never shared our feelings, we would not have a very close relationship. So we intentionally and regularly check in with how we are really doing. Often, we end the evening asking, “What was the best part of your day and why?” And we occasionally take the time to dream together about the future. This is emotionally bonding and fun, and it adds intimacy to our marriage. Paula Rinehart says, “Real vulnerability followed by genuine commitment to a person make sexual intimacy one of the best joys on earth. This sort of joy is simply not possible in a relationship that is not for keeps.”[6] So by intentionally going deeper emotionally in marriage, we are improving our love life in other areas as well.

Practicing emotional purity also helps protect marriages from outside emotional attachments that could lead to physical affairs. We might think that we would never be tempted, but the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy states, “A new crisis of infidelity is emerging in which people who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly crossing the line from platonic friendships into romantic relationships.”[7] A national poll showed that “15 percent of married women and 25 percent of married men have had sexual affairs . . . [and] an additional 20 percent of married couples have been impacted by emotional infidelity.”[8]

To protect our hearts and marriages from unintended emotional affairs, we need to make sure our spouses are our best friends. Maintaining the right context and level of intimacy while in conversation with people of the opposite gender will guard against an emotional affair. We should always keep our spouses as our closest confidants. Paul E. Miller in A Loving Life describes his marital guidelines like this:

My relationship with my wife is like a wonderful garden with a solitary ‘no’: I cannot touch or develop emotional intimacy with another woman. That ‘no’ narrows and limits my life. It provides a frame for my love to Jill. I am keenly aware that I can destroy a forty-year marriage in five minutes. That limiting, instead of boxing us in, lets the story come alive.[9]

All too often, affairs start off innocently, with a lonely spouse sharing too openly with a “caring friend,” Facebook friend, online chat buddy, or coworker. Too many people are caught off guard when what seems like a selfless act of “being a good friend and listener” turns quickly into physical intimacy. If we share intimate details with someone other than our spouses, the potential for physical intimacy is soon to follow. We need to be cautious and remove ourselves from the situation before something we never intended happens.

Interacting in groups at work is a good idea, especially on projects that take up a lot of time. If a conversation turns to feelings more than facts, change the subject or walk away. Sometimes even too many compliments and positive feedback on the job can foster emotional attachments. This is especially true when someone isn’t feeling valued by his or her spouse at the time.

A good friend of mine blindly fell into an emotional affair. Two years into her marriage she started writing to an ex-boyfriend with the intention of sharing her newfound faith in Christ. Her marriage was rocky at the time, and this reconnection with an old flame quickly grew into an emotional affair. Eventually she realized that even though nothing physical had happened with this other man, her emotional attachment was wrong. She ended the correspondence and confessed to her husband. He forgave her, and through counseling they were able to restore their marriage. In order to protect her heart and marriage from another affair, they set up some safeguards.

Anyone can easily find himself or herself in a conversation that borders on sharing something too emotionally bonding. To guard our own marriage, my husband and I share with each other if we have had an emotional conversation with someone of the opposite sex. That brings both of us into the “circle” of conversation and keeps it emotionally neutral. We still enjoy meaningful relationships with other couples where, all together, we share more deeply with one another.

As a single, you can protect your own heart and help protect the marriages around you by practicing emotional purity in your conversations. If you are married, discuss with your spouse what boundaries you want in place with opposite-sex friendships. Agree together how best to protect your marriage while enjoying outside friendships.