“We’re relentless about things we care about,” McKenna said, coming closer. “Things that are important to us.”
Cam tossed another rock, trying to dismiss her own questions on the subject. If and when she did seek the answers to them, she’d want to do it privately.
“We don’t like to let go,” McKenna said. “Especially if what’s important to us is a person. Someone we care deeply for.”
“Sometimes you have to let go,” Cam said, wiping her hands and then shoving them into her pockets. “Sometimes you have to know when to say when.”
“And sometimes, Cam, you can’t. Even if you want to believe it’s the right thing to do. Even if it seems like the right thing to do. In those instances, when you think you’re doing the right thing, for whatever reason, and you find that you just can’t let go, no matter how hard you try, then that’s a clear sign that what you think may be the right thing isn’t the right thing after all. No matter how noble or well-meaning you think it is.”
“I know you’re well-meaning right now, McKenna,” Cam said. “But I told you, I don’t want to talk about this.”
“I am well-meaning. And I’m not listening to you, am I? I’m not shutting up or leaving you alone about this. Because I care. I can’t stop caring about you or this. If I could, then that would suggest that the right thing is being played out. But I can’t stop. Because the right thing isn’t being done. Well-meaning or not.”
“I don’t know what she’s told you,” Cam said. She was starting to get upset, pissed that McKenna wasn’t respecting her wishes and annoyed at all her well-meaning gibberish. “But I did more than just what I thought was right. I faced reality. One of us had to.” She started walking back toward her house, not caring in the least if McKenna thought she was rude. In her mind, McKenna was being rude by pushing the issue.
“She hasn’t said a word,” McKenna said, hurrying after her. Cam didn’t slow her pace. “She never would. And she didn’t have to.”
“Yeah, the whole psychic thing,” Cam said.
“She’s my dear friend and I know her very, very well. You want to call it psychic, go ahead. Call it bullshit for all I care. It doesn’t bother me. But what does bother me is seeing my dear, good friend hurt. And seeing my new, dear friend hurt. Needlessly.”
Cam closed in on her patio. She whistled for the dogs who were farther behind her than she’d realized.
“She’s working herself to death, Cam. Even sleeping at the practice some nights. She won’t talk to anyone. Won’t spend time with anyone outside of work. Her folks are worried. Her mother has come to me asking me if she’s sick and just not telling anyone.”
“She’s probably upset about the clinic,” Cam said. “And having to tell them about it. She’s been anxious over that for a long time.” Cam started walking up the patio steps. The dogs rushed up alongside her.
“She’s given up the clinic, Cam.”
Cam froze.
“She dropped everything. Told Sloane and everyone else she was no longer interested. That it was a pipe dream and ridiculous.”
Cam took in a big breath and tried to control her reaction. “That’s her choice, McKenna.”
“You know as well as I do, that is not her choice. You know that isn’t what she wants.”
“Blake does exactly what she wants,” Cam said. “She’s the most stubborn, willful, and determined woman I’ve ever known.”
“Then you should know what it is she’s doing.”
“She’s doing what she wants.”
“Just like you are?”
Cam continued up the steps.
“You’re both so full of shit you can’t see what’s right in front of your face. What everyone else within a fifty-mile radius of you can see. Or…what I think…I think you can see it. Both of you. And you feel it. And that’s why you’re both doing your damnedest to stay away from each other. You tell her to fuck off. She leaves. And now she’s giving up her life’s dream so she won’t have to be anywhere near you.”
Cam spun on her heel. “You’re blaming me for her choosing to not to pursue her clinic? Christ, McKenna, that’s low. That’s really low.”
“Cam, she’s giving it up because it would mean she would be here. In Mexico.”
“So? She wouldn’t be near me. She’d be close to town.”
“To Blake, Cam, it would be too close. Don’t you see? She’d be too tempted. She’d be able to feel you. She’d want to get in her car and come to you. Blake is a very stubborn woman, Cam, but when she loves…she’s all in and it’s the one thing she cannot control. Despite her wanting more than anything to be able to. She can’t come back. She won’t come back. Cam, she’s already told us she’s never coming back to our place. She hasn’t said why, but I know why. Being anywhere close to you and not being able to love you, to be with you, it would hurt her too badly.”
“So, what am I supposed to do?” Cam said. “Move?”
“Don’t be a jerk, Cam. It isn’t you and I see right through it.”
Cam threw up her hands. “Then I’m lost. I don’t know what you want me to do.”
“I want you to do what’s in your heart. I want you to face your true reality and feel it and deal with it whether it scares you or makes you uncomfortable or drives you insane. Blake, I have a feeling, tried to do it. I know that woman’s heart and what I saw in her that last time she came to you was love. And it was real. And for whatever reason, you turned her away. And she won’t push you on it, Cam. She’s not like that. She’s very strong in many, many ways, but she is human and rejection sucks, I don’t care who you are.”
“It can’t work,” Cam said, but her voice was weak, telling of her own lack of conviction.
“If you love each other, it can work. It will work. Because you will both make it work.”
Cam shook, the cold suddenly penetrating. She stared beyond McKenna and out into the sea. She thought about diving down under the waves again and swimming as hard as she could until her lungs felt like bursting.
“I’ll leave you be now,” McKenna said. “I would apologize for upsetting you, but I’d only half mean it. I don’t want to cause you any pain, but at the same time, I do want to cause you to feel. And if pain is a part of that picture, then it is. I care about you, Cam. And I care about Blake. This is the last I’ll say about this to either of you, regardless of what you do.”
She walked away and left Cam staring out at the sea, where she was imagining pulling at the heavy weight of the water with her arms and kicking against it with her legs. Her lungs were burning, her muscles on fire, desperate for air. She could see the glimmer of the surface from the dark depths, but the depths were calm and comforting and offering her peace and solace from any more pain. They were tempting her, encouraging her to give in and let go. To stop trying, to relax her body and just sink, down, down, down. But she looked up at the pale glimmer of light. Where the surface was, where life was. And she saw Blake. Saw her swimming at her from just below the surface, her hand outstretched. And Cam felt a surge of life explode inside her and she swam harder, wanting, needing to get to her. And when she reached her and she touched her hand and shot up out of the water to suck in the wondrous air, she realized she wasn’t there. She was alone, treading water, gasping for breath. But it felt so good to breathe. To be alive. To feel the cold of the water, the chill of the air, the ache in her body. And she knew then, that though she’d chosen to swim because she’d seen Blake, the thrill and rush of life was so good she knew she’d choose to swim for herself from now on, regardless of who was or was not waiting for her at the surface.
Because there was no guarantee who or what she’d find as she emerged from the depths to take in air. But one thing was for certain. There’d be absolutely nothing there if she chose to never surface again.