Riley blinked at the sliver of light not contained by the dark blinds over the window. He was twined uncomfortably around Josh, one hand wedged under his hip, one ankle squished between Josh's legs. But he refused to move until Josh did. He needed to know which Josh would rise to meet the day: the cool-headed lawyer, or the passionate, emotional, loving man Josh tried to keep hidden. He thought it would be easier to deal with Josh's lawyer persona, but it was the emotional side of the man he'd fallen in love with.
He'd fucked up so badly he was surprised Josh had even left the door open for him, let alone allowed Riley to crawl in bed beside him. If he could take it all back, he would in a heartbeat and kick his own ass in the process; drinking alone in a bar he'd normally not step foot in, overreacting to the envelope, his appalling treatment of Josh, and the pièce de résistance, assaulting the man he loved. He'd take back all the secrets and fears he'd kept to himself for so long, share them with Josh, and become a true and honest part of their partnership.
But how many clients had he heard say the exact same thing? How many cases had he and Josh signed on for, or at least heard about, that involved the same kind of late-to-the-party regret and remorse? Too fucking many. And just as the 'too little, too late' theory hadn't worked for all of them, it wouldn't work for Riley either.
Josh squirmed against Riley, his ass brushing over the embarrassment of Riley's morning wood. Why did his body have to respond in a normal manner when the rest of him and his life were in shambles? He shifted his hips back, his ankle finally becoming free from Josh's strong legs. Maybe if he kept moving backward slowly, carefully, he wouldn't disturb Josh's sleep and could slip away like the coward he was.
"We're going to talk about this, Ri." Josh's voice was a beacon in the quietness of the room. "Whether it's today, tomorrow, or after I fucking kick your ass around the block, you will talk to me."
Riley struggled with his words, the squeeze of Josh's fingers around his sparking hope, but also shooting fear straight to the center of his brain. He squeezed back, the only words in his head rolling hesitantly off his tongue. "I love you, Josh."
Josh shrugged Riley's arms from his body, leaving Riley cold and regretful as he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. "But it's not about that, is it?"
"No." Riley's mouth filled with the bitter taste of stomach acid, his belly suddenly turning somersaults in the heat of the important moment. "No, babe. Please don't think that." He couldn't let Josh believe what was happening to him—to both of them—was in any way related to or entwined with Riley's feelings, his utter unending love for Josh. "It wasn't supposed to come to this. I'm trying to—"
"Do you need in the bathroom before I shower?" Riley had never heard the harsh tone of Josh's professional voice directed at him, and his already churning stomach jolted in agony. The implication was that Riley was not welcome in the bathroom with Josh in any way, shape, or form. "I have a meeting. I need an answer."
"Go ahead."
"Don't have your morning check-in with Adams?" Josh was already on his feet, his posture poker straight, back turned to Riley, but the vindictiveness in his voice loud and clear.
"He can wait."
Josh turned around, copper gaze boring into Riley's skull for barely a moment. "Home after work?" Riley nodded, breathless, speechless, boneless in the heat of Josh's glare. "Be prepared to talk, Counselor."
Then Josh was gone, disappearing down the hall, the slam of the bathroom door sending Riley reeling back into the comfort of his pillow. Fuck, he needed to get his act together.
*~*~*
Riley's day went from bad to worse. He waited nervously in bed until Josh finished showering, dressing quickly before finally dashing out the door. It was the first time he could ever remember Josh not making coffee in the morning, and it was the best indication Riley could have gotten that he was beyond angry.
He'd pretended not to watch when Josh shuffled into his clothes, the odd groan of pain slipping past his lips when he moved his left arm. Realization mixed with more agonizing regret, and Riley had to close his eyes tight and try to shut out what he'd done. No wonder Josh couldn't look at him. Riley couldn't even bear to look at himself. The last thing he'd ever imagined doing to someone he loved—to anyone except maybe the two matching assholes in his life—was what he had done, and the reasons were the same ones he'd always said he would never give in to in the first place: rage, fear, and love.
When at last Riley pulled himself from the little boy comfort of his bed, he showered quickly, threw on the closest pair of pants and dress shirt he could find, and then headed out the door. The office was busy by the time he got there, but the legal secretary he shared with three other lawyers grabbed him as soon as he walked in the door.
"Mr. Adams has been looking for you, Mr. Callahan. He's on the warpath about something. But wait, don't go in—"
Riley barely acknowledged her as he swept past and stepped into his office. His eyes opened wide and his heart sank. "Where's my desk?"
"That's what I was trying to tell you. He had some guys move it out about an hour ago. I'm sorry. I tried to call your cell."
Forcing a smile, Riley took the files Bernice held in front of her. "It's all right. Doesn't matter anyhow. Thanks." Bernice had always been decent to him. He'd miss her.
He shut the door before she could protest or offer some form of unwanted sympathy. He didn't need that just then. Setting his briefcase on the small table by the window, he tossed the folders on top of it and then slouched down into his desk chair. At least they'd left that and the table. He debated whether he should head into the lion's den before he settled down to do some work in his pseudo-office, and decided that getting the agony that was Mr. Adams behind him seemed like the better plan.
*~*~*
"You're late again, Callahan!"
Riley's gut twisted and turned, acid crept up his esophagus, and he barely managed not to groan in pain. "I was—"
"I don't give a damn where you were or what you were doing. How do you like the new look of your office?" Adams smirked, rose from his chair, and waddled to stand in front of Riley. "There's a cubicle reserved for you starting Monday."
Riley refrained from calling the man an asshole and every other synonym he could think of. He needed to stay calm because experience told him Adams' bark was definitely far worse than his bite … usually. "I'd hoped you would reconsider, Mr. Adams."
"Hell no!" Adams leaned his large bottom on the front of his desk, hands clutching at the edge to keep him stable. "And the interesting phone call I got this morning only made me more sure I'd made the right decision."
"Phone call?"
Adams' smug look sent Riley's internal organs into a whirlwind of activity: heart, belly, lungs all twitching and vying for attention. "Uh huh. Seemed like a nice man, but he sure didn't like you."
"I don't know what you're … what you're talking about. Who was this … man?" Riley tried hard to clear his brain, but a torrent of fear rushed through his body. "What did he say?"
"Said he was your daddy, and that you were a fag, just like that goddamn bastard lawyer you're fucking."
"I'm not … he's not … you can't say that about him." Riley nearly choked on his words.
Adams' big belly jiggled when he threw back his head and laughed. "I think I just did. But you're in luck, pussy boy, I'm not gonna fire you today. But it sure does give me good reason for sending you down to the cubes, doesn't it? All I have to do is tell that pissy judge in your case that you and Devon are in coercion, and both your asses will be in trouble. You don't wanna do that to your sweet honey, do ya?"
"You're such an …"
"Come on, finish it! I'm such a what? Always said you were weak, and if you weren't such a damn smart lawyer, I'd fire your ass and tell that judge what's going on."
"Then do it," Riley challenged.
"Naw. Like I said, you're good at your job, and you'll be even better helping real lawyers do theirs. You're stuck in your contract, boy; now get your ass out of my office and do your job before I change my mind."
Riley walked out of Adams' office and straight to the bathroom. It had become a popular route for him, one he hoped to end very soon.
*~*~*
Even though he was still pissed at Riley, it didn't stop Josh from wondering how he was doing. He hated when they were on the outs, and it was very rare for them to leave the house without working out whatever problems they were having. It made them sound like some old-fashioned married couple, but Josh truly believed differences should be settled when they cropped up, not after they'd had time to fester and grow. It was a throwback to his parents' relationship and advice. All in all, Josh was just an old-fashioned guy, and had he not been gay, he would have more than likely been married with two point five kids.
That was what Josh wanted with Riley, too. Not the married or even the kids part necessarily, but the steady forever relationship that rarely existed anymore. That was one of the reasons he was so upset with Riley's recent behavior; Josh was afraid his "forever" was moving out of his reach. He needed to stop the destructive train Riley seemed to be on and get them both back on the same track again.
Josh's arm smarted, but he was sure it was nothing more than a bruise and a scrape. He'd let Riley off the hook in the morning despite wanting to blast him and tell him to just pull his head out of his ass. He'd unintentionally been turned on by the stormy aggression he felt burning in his gut, too, and the urge to fuck Riley until he screamed for mercy had lasted even after he'd gotten himself off in the shower. Of course, considering Riley seemed to like it rougher and rougher lately, it wouldn't have been much of a punishment. Nor would it have been much of a solution.
If Josh had his way, he and Riley would have a civilized conversation about what the fuck was going on in Riley's head. Riley's admission that he'd been a fuckwad asshole would be followed by a hot round of desperate make-up sex and then cuddling until morning. He knew it was probably a pipe dream considering Riley's mood as of late, but a boy could fantasize, right?
*~*~*
"Mason? Yeah, it's Riley. I think he's here, man. I need you to find someone to watch the nursing home … Fuck, it's already six? Can you find someone for the morning, then? Great. I owe you one, man. Yeah, I'll keep in touch. Thanks."
Riley dropped his head to the tabletop with a thump. His fingers raked painfully through his hair, pulling and tugging, trying to find some morsel in his brain that was still functional. His day had started out bad, gone to worse, and then taken a turn for the terrible. Adams finding out he was gay and in a relationship with Josh was only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Mix in an email and text from his father along with a rather unfulfilling chat with his own lawyer about said text and email, and he had the goddamn iceberg meets Titanic all over again.
Riley's lawyer said the best Riley could do would be to contact the local police about enforcing the restraining order. He suggested that going through the "proper channels" might get more results than using a P.I.—Stephen Mancuso had been nothing but critical toward Mason Cason from the moment Riley had hired him.
"Using low level equipment gets low level results."
Stephen was an ass to the tenth degree, but Riley had known him since he was young, and the man knew the situation with his father better than anyone else. That didn't mean Riley would cave under Stephen's request to get rid of Mason, though. He'd definitely get rid of Stephen before Mason.
Riley had spent his day hidden away in his mostly empty office making as many notes as possible in his case files so that whoever picked them up would have all the information they needed. He didn't owe Adams a damn thing, seeing as he was being illegally demoted, but that had nothing to do with the clients Riley would be leaving behind. He was nothing if not conscientious and over-responsible, and since the majority of his pride and all of his ire were still intact, he had no intention of taking out his issues on anyone else.
Once he had arranged with Mason for a security watch, he worked robotically for another hour. He knew keeping his mind overstimulated was also allowing him to avoid the biggest task he needed to accomplish before he left the office: calling Josh.
*~*~*
Josh left the office with a newfound spring in his step. He'd closed two cases, picked up another one that already promised to be a wild ride, and he'd talked to his mom about Riley. His parents had always been his biggest supporters whether it involved coming out, going to law school instead of into medicine like they had, taking a year off to travel, or falling in love. They had welcomed Riley into their home even before he and Josh had cemented their relationship, before fuck buddies had become real lovers.
His parents had seen a troubled young man in need of a safe place and immediately offered Riley shelter. They'd never pushed Josh to dig deeper into the secrets Riley obviously held tight within himself, agreeing with Josh that Riley would do so in his own time.
That day Margaret Devon advised Josh to put his hurt feelings and Alpha posturing aside and consider how much pain or fear Riley had to be in to act the way he was. Having a psychotherapist for a mother had always been a pain in the ass when Josh was growing up, but once he took the time to realize she was right about a lot of things, it came in handy.
The plan was to pacify Riley with his favorite meal: lasagna—luckily the only thing Josh really knew how to cook. Add some garlic bread, a few candles to set the mood, and open up a good bottle of wine. Then, once Riley was relaxed and the air clear of their recent confrontation, Josh would pounce ... though his mother had told him that was exactly how not to phrase it in his head. The bottom line was that Josh wasn't going to accuse or point fingers; he was merely getting to the gushy center of Riley's mood, pouncing or not.
After picking up the needed ingredients for his world famous lasagna, Josh whistled his way to his Jeep before tossing the bags in the back. He'd just turned the key when his cell rang. "Hey, babe. I was just thinking about you."
*~*~*
"I'm sorry, Josh. I just can't blow off this client. Adams is riding my back on this. Her parents won't be in town until the morning, and she's freaking out. I just have to hold her hand so she doesn't bolt."
Riley bowed his head to his chest, the silence on the other end of the phone painful and heartbreaking. "Josh? Babe, you still there?"
The line went dead and Riley's stomach clenched, his insides gripped in pain. "Fuck."
*~*~*
Josh tossed his phone to the passenger seat, snatched the bags of groceries from the backseat, and stormed out of the Jeep. Five large, angry steps and he was back in the store, headed straight for an older lady he'd seen earlier bickering with her husband about the price of beef.
"Excuse me, ma'am. Do you and your husband like lasagna?" The woman clutched her purse tighter to her chest while the man just looked scared. They both nodded at once. "Then please accept this offering, go home, and cook it together. I won't be needing it, and comfort food should be enjoyed by people in love. That's what my mama taught me. Have a nice evening."
Bags deposited in the still gaping couple's arms, five steps back to the Jeep and Josh was screaming out of the parking lot. If he couldn't release his frustrations the old-fashioned way with the man he loved, he'd just have to sweat them out at the gym. Riley could do whatever he damn well pleased since Josh didn't seem to have a say in it anymore anyway. Client in distress his ass. He had better not find out that client's name was Byron, or balls were gonna roll.
He'd just parked when his cell phone rang again. He debated in his head whether he wanted it to be Riley or not before answering. The point was moot when he saw his mother's cell number on the display. Fuck, how did she do that?