Alex walks into the bedroom moments after I hear Ciara stomp downstairs. I’m scarlet with rage and embarrassment. What will she be saying now to everyone? To Father Brennan?
‘Erm … what’s going on? Ciara’s very upset,’ he asks me. ‘She says you raised your hand to hit her.’
There’s a look of disappointment about him. It actually emboldens me. Angers me further. That he isn’t automatically on my side. Why is no one ever automatically on my side?
I’m ashamed that I raised my hand, but I’m not sorry. What she had said had been vile.
‘I didn’t actually hit her!’ I protest. ‘She deserved a slap across the face but I stopped myself.’
‘Jesus Christ, Heidi! It’s her father’s wake. She’s down there bawling and giving out in front of everyone. What will they think of you? Is it not bad enough that our every move is being watched anyway?’
‘They can watch all they want, Alex,’ I spit back at him. ‘Something fucked up is going on in all this and I’ve had enough of trying to keep the waters smooth. She accused me of stealing Joe’s prayer book – of hiding it in Lily’s changing bag so they couldn’t see it to choose stuff for the funeral.
‘She called my mother mad. And me, too. She says I’m crazy. I’m not the crazy one or the one keeping secrets, Alex. Marie’s just told me that she and Joe never even got divorced! After mum died, they just didn’t bother. How on earth am I supposed to react to that? Just sigh and accept it as not as messed up as it really is?
‘And I’m sure they are setting me up for this. They want everyone to think it was me. That I killed him. Everyone is looking at me as if I did it. Ciara more or less said it outright, that she believes it was me.’
He sits down, his head in his hands. His long fingers brushing through his hair before he straightens himself and takes a deep breath.
‘You can’t hit someone over a prayer book, no matter how much you might want to. She’s grieving too, you know. Emotions are running high, but you have got to at least keep them in check. And, God, I know the news about the divorce must be a shock, but this is all so messed up. All of it. I don’t think anything would surprise me any more. And they can’t pin it on you if you didn’t do it,’ he says. ‘I’ll not let that happen.’
I take his hand. ‘I don’t see how you can stop it, Alex. I’m not stupid. I know all the signs are pointing at me. This is how it goes, you know. Every time I think I have a chance at happiness …’
I feel a tear slide down my cheek, which I brush away. It hurts; my skin is still so raw from all the tears I’ve cried over the last few days. I know I’m falling apart. Physically and mentally. And there’s nothing that can be done to fix it.
I look at him. He looks as wretched as I do. I’m wracked with guilt for putting him through all this. He did not sign up for any of this. This exceeds the ‘better or worse’ clause of our marriage by miles.
‘There is so much going on here. I know it. Whispers and the doll … and the prayer book … and Ciara. She’s poison but she plays the game well. The police don’t even seem to have glanced in her direction.’
‘They’re watching us all, Heidi. Don’t you see that? We’re all going through this. I know you’re overwhelmed and they’ve told me, you know, how things can get tough for you when you feel under pressure. Are you sure you’re not just reading into things that aren’t there?’
I look up at him. The look on his face is one I’m familiar with from other people. That mollifying look – the ‘there, there’ glance. The expression that says, ‘I think she might be losing it.’ Seeing it on Alex’s face – the one person in this world who I thought I could trust to be 100 per cent on my side – is devastating.
I shake my head slowly. ‘Why can’t you see what she is trying to do? Why can’t you see how she is setting me up for all this? You don’t know her like I do, Alex. You don’t know how cruel, how dangerous she can be. She hates me! She has always hated me. And she’s planting seeds, and whispering in ears, and before I know it, I’ll be the one in jail. They all want it to be me. No one will come to my defence.’
‘It won’t come to that, Heidi. Sure, we’re several days in now and even the police say they are no further forwards. The coroner has released his body. It will all settle down.’
‘Not until they have pinned the blame on someone, it won’t,’ I say, wiping my face again, wincing at the pain of my raw skin.
‘We can leave,’ he says, hoping I’ll agree. ‘We can leave them to their wake and their funeral. We don’t have to be a part of this.’
I pause and look at him, seriously considering it for a moment, but I realise it wouldn’t solve anything.
‘We can’t do that,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘If they suspect me now, won’t that just be giving them, and everyone else, reason to suspect me even more?’
‘I don’t care,’ he hisses. ‘I really don’t care any more what they think of you or us or any of it. This whole thing, everything, is so toxic. It’s eating at us. I can’t sleep and I know you’re not sleeping, either. I don’t want to be near them and I certainly don’t want them anywhere near Lily. She doesn’t deserve to be caught up in all this.’
‘People will talk. People outside of here.’
‘Maybe it’s time they talked,’ he says, and I’m suddenly just so tired.
I feel as if I’m hanging on to my sanity by a thread and little else.
‘What do you mean?’ I ask him.
There’s something in his expression that I can’t quite read. He looks at me, opens his mouth to speak but stops.
‘Alex, what do you mean?’ I ask him.
‘Nothing,’ he shrugs. ‘Nothing.’
He pauses, looks to Lily and then back to me. ‘We’ll wait until he’s brought home and then can we just get away from here for a bit? I think I need us to get away from here for a while.’
He looks defeated, and maybe that’s because in that moment we are defeated. I realise I’m shaking and I long for him to wrap his arms around me but I don’t want to ask him to. I want him to know instinctively that is what I need. If he hugs me, I tell myself, I’ll know we’ll be okay. Us two, our little family unit. We’ll at least make it through this and no amount of lies will change that.
‘I love you,’ I whisper.
He sighs, shakes his head as if he’s having a conversation with himself that isn’t going the way he hoped, and reaches out and gives my hand a squeeze. It’s not a hug but it will have to do for now.
‘I love you too, but I worry about you, Heidi,’ he says. ‘I’m worried about you now.’
I nod. I’m worried about me, too. We’re disturbed by the sound of the doorbell downstairs. I stand up and peek out of the window to see a hearse pulled up, a small group of nosy neighbours and an unmarked police car not far behind. Out of it steps DC King and DI Bradley, both wearing serious expressions on their faces.
My chest tightens.