‘Don’t tell me how to react,’ I bark at Alex. I have my head in my hands and I am rocking back and forth. It’s the only way I seem to be able to try to settle the noise in my head.
He has driven out of the cemetery, leaving the rest of the mourners to witness the burial I can’t even bear to think about, and we are driving back towards Marie’s.
‘I’m not telling you how to react, Heidi, but remember, everyone is watching us all at the moment. Looking for any signs that any one of us has something to hide, or isn’t the full shilling.’
‘But I can’t let this go. Was I supposed to say nothing? When I’m faced with my mother’s open grave and that … that … monster being settled in with her? Everything about this was designed to hurt me, to wind me up. To make me lose my temper. But that? That was the final insult. That was cruel, Alex. Just cruel.’
My heart is still thumping as hard as it did in the graveyard. I’m trying not to shout. The last thing I want to do is wake Lily and disturb her from her sleep, but I can hear the volume increasing in my voice anyway. I’m so angry and growing angrier.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road. He puts the handbrake on and releases his seat belt, turning in his seat to face me.
‘Heidi,’ he begins and his face is grey with worry.
I can see that I’m scaring him. That he thinks I’m as crazy as Ciara would have everyone believe.
‘I can’t even imagine what seeing your mother’s grave open like that must have felt like, but I can’t help but think … Is there something more to this? Is there something you’re not telling me?’
He must think I did it, I think. He must think my descent into apparent madness is the result of my guilt over Joe’s death. It makes sense now. I see it there on his face. That’s why he’s been so off with me since it happened. He’s scared of me, what I’m capable of. He thinks … he thinks I could hold a pillow over a man’s head and hold it down until the life went out of him. He thinks I could do that to a frail, sick, terminally ill man and if I could do that, what else must I be capable of that he’s not even allowing himself to consider? Is that why he reacted the way he did to Lily sleeping in bed beside me? Jesus Christ, did he think I would kill my own child?
‘I didn’t kill him. I’m not a killer!’ I say. ‘If that’s what you’re thinking.’
‘Jesus Christ, Heidi, of course I’m not thinking that.’
But he doesn’t sound convinced and I feel sick. If I don’t have Alex on my side, then I have no one on my side. The hunt for the evil witch continues and I am the number one suspect. They might as well burn me at the stake now, or prepare me for the ducking stool. If I float I die, if I sink I’m innocent. Maybe that’s what it will take.
‘Heidi.’ Alex’s voice cuts through my thoughts. ‘Are you listening to me?’
I nod, even though I haven’t been listening to him. I don’t want to listen to him any more. I want to be seven years old again, before we met Joe, before Mammy got sick, before everything … all the pain. Before it all went wrong.
‘So? Is there something else?’ He is looking directly at me, his eyes boring into me.
‘Why can’t it just be the case that you believe, or you see, how completely unreasonable they are all being? That you see what they are doing. They’re messing with my head and they know they can … they know I’m vulnerable …’
I realise I’ve possibly said too much. Will he think I’m just vulnerable because I’m bereaved? Will he probe deeper?
‘How are you vulnerable, Heidi?’ he asks, his voice soft, his face serious.
He’s still looking at me directly, searching my face for clues. There is something in his expression, the furrowing of his brow, the sadness in his hazel eyes – a sadness that can’t be ignored. That is as real as any I have seen.
‘Tell me, please. You can tell me.’
I can’t breathe. I can’t hold his gaze for any longer. I have to look away. I realise that my hands are gripping the sides of my seat tightly. I feel that tightness, the nausea, in the pit of my stomach. Despite the freezing cold weather, the persistent deluge of sleet-filled rain on the windscreen, I feel a deep heat rise in me. Shame. Pain. Memories that I have tried to keep stuffed somewhere in the darkest recesses of my mind flood my head. It’s almost a physical impact, the way these flashing images hit me. And the physical sensations as if I’m back there. As if it is happening right now. But I’m bigger now, you see, I’m bigger and stronger and I have somewhere to run.
I unclip my seat belt and without really thinking, I am opening the car door and climbing out. I am climbing out and running, and I can hear Alex behind me. I can hear him call my name, but I know he can’t follow. He can’t leave Lily in the car and I’m being clever. I’m heading for alleyways and pathways where his car can’t go. I need to get away. That’s all I can think – that I need to get away.
My skin is crawling. It feels like a separate entity to me, with a mind of its own, burning, and I swear if I could tear it off, I absolutely would. I would tear it off and leave it to bleed on the snow-covered ground.
Alex’s voice fades into the background, the sting of hailstones hitting my face and hands giving me something to focus on as I just keep running.