Heidi has knocked the phone out of my hand. It’s in bits on the floor. I look at it, then look back to her. Why did she do that? And she thinks maybe I’m the one covering up for my actions.
She’s actually suggesting I did it. That I killed my own father. She is delusional and dangerous.
‘Why did you do that?’ I ask, stepping towards her. ‘Why would you be so stupid to do that? I only wanted to help!’ I’m so angry now. Why won’t she let me help her?
‘You’re not listening to me,’ she says, but all I’ve done is listen.
Over the last few days that’s all there has been to do. To listen to everyone gather round and talk about this man who was the ‘salt of the earth’. How he ‘deserved more than he got’ and would be ‘greeted at the gates of heaven by the faithfully departed’. Every single thing I’ve heard has made me want to throw up.
But I haven’t. I’ve stayed because my mother needs me. And Kathleen, too. And here is Heidi and I’m offering to help her and she’s acting like a woman possessed.
Why can’t she see that all I want to do is help?
I get that she’s scared. I get that she might not want to admit what she did. I get that she might even actually believe that it was me who did it …
‘Why are you being so stupid? Why are you being so stubborn?’ I’m shouting and she’s hugging that baby to her in the way she used to hold that stupid, ugly doll of hers. ‘I’ve said I’ll help. I’ll help make them believe.’
She shakes her head and my frustration grows stronger. I know that maybe I’m rambling a little bit, tripping over my words.
‘Everyone has to know,’ I say. ‘And we have to tell them. You have to tell them.’
Heidi looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights. For every step I take towards her, she takes a step back. She is holding that baby of hers so tightly that Lily is starting to protest.
‘Put the baby down,’ I say, moving towards her.
‘Ciara, back off,’ Heidi says, taking another step backwards, straight into the wall.
‘I’m only trying to help,’ I tell her again. ‘That’s all I’m trying to do. If we can prove he hurt us, hurt both of us …’ I want to cry, or shake her or find some way to get through to her and make her understand.
I can see panic in her eyes. She is rocking her baby almost too much.
‘Give me the baby,’ I say, reaching out for Lily.
All I want to do is make sure she is safe. Heidi is being too rough.
‘Leave me alone,’ she cries out.
And I know she is scared, but if she squeezes Lily any tighter …
‘I just want to make sure she’s safe,’ I say. ‘Please.’
Heidi is shaking her head. ‘No. No. You want to hurt her and you want to take her from me. Everybody always takes everything away from me …’
She’s becoming hysterical. Maybe if I call Alex. He might be able to talk some sense into her. He will be able to calm her down. She’ll listen to him.
I step back, mutter to myself to remember to breathe. That I’m okay. I won’t give in to the panic that is clawing at me, too. My mobile is in my bag, which is hanging at the bottom of the stairs. I know I put Alex’s phone number in it on one of the evenings we were planning how to help Joe. Was it even on the night Joe died? It might have been. That night has become hazy now. I’ve barely slept since and my memories are blurring into one another.
‘Okay,’ I say, my hands shaking, reaching in and pulling out my phone. ‘I know it’s scary, but it doesn’t have to be.’
‘Who are you calling now?’ Heidi asks. ‘Don’t call the police. I told you, it wasn’t me. Don’t call the police.’
I raise a hand to quiet her.
‘Who are you calling?’ she shouts at me.
The call is connecting on the other end. I can hear it ringing. Heidi is crossing the room to me. I will Alex to pick up, sag with relief when I hear his voice.
‘Alex,’ I say, fighting against Heidi’s hand reaching out for the phone. ‘You need to come home, to Joe’s house. You need to come now.’
Heidi is shouting at me, Lily is wailing.
‘What are you doing?’ she’s screaming.
Alex will be panicking. I hear him mutter ‘What’s going on?’, but Heidi is almost on top of me now so I end the call and throw the phone back into my bag.
‘What have you done?’ Heidi wails. ‘You can’t do this.’
‘He’ll understand. Surely, he’ll understand. He loves you. He’d do anything to protect you.’
‘You don’t get it,’ Heidi says. ‘Why don’t you believe me? Why are you doing this, Ciara? Why are you doing your best to point this at me? You’ve done it all along. Making me think I’m losing it. Messing with things. And you’re doing it now. You’re trying to mess with my head to the extent that I will admit to something I didn’t do. Do you think I’m mad? Do you really think I am mad enough that I would do this?’
‘And why don’t you see I’m trying to help?’
Lily is almost purple from the effort of screaming now and Heidi is only getting more and more wound up. If she’s unstable there’s no telling what she might do.
‘Lily is getting upset,’ I soothe. ‘You have to calm down. Think of Lily. Look at her.’
She glances down at her distraught daughter and her face crumples.
‘Oh my God, Lily. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’
She looks at me, fear mixed with anger blazing in her eyes.
‘Look what you’ve made me do. She’s so upset. She’s overheated. What if something happens?’
She’s shaking now. I can see the colour drain from her face.
‘Heidi, you don’t look so good. Give the baby to me. Give her to me.’
Heidi shakes her head, but it’s enough to set her off balance and she looks at me, eyes wide.
‘I’m going to faint …’ she manages to mutter before she starts to drop to the ground.
I have just enough time to grab Lily from her before she lands like a sack of potatoes in the hall.
Lily is still wailing, Heidi is as white as a ghost and I’m shaking so hard that my teeth are chattering. I look around, grab my thick winter coat from the coat rack and lay it on the ground so I can place Lily on it. Then I kneel over Heidi, put my hand to her forehead. She’s clammy and still. My panic is building, when her eyes slowly start to flicker open.
With one look at me she descends into tears, tries to sit up, and she is clearly still woozy.
‘It’s okay, just rest there a minute.’
‘Lily?’ she mutters.
‘She’s fine. Can you hear her? She’s fine.’
Heidi curls into a foetal position and sobs. I tell her I’m going to grab a glass of water. I’m scared now but for a different reason. I’m seeing how truly vulnerable Heidi is. I kneel beside her, help to raise her head so she can sip the water.
‘Take your time,’ I tell her. ‘Don’t sit up until you’re ready. You fainted.’
She nods and I lift Lily, try to comfort her. Poor little Lily who hasn’t a notion what is going on around her. She wriggles and pushes against me at first. She looks at me with wide eyes as if she’s trying to make sense of everything and then, as I do my best to soothe her, stroking the soft curls on her head, she quiets, grabs hold of my fingers, and I feel my heart contract.
Meanwhile, Heidi is pulling herself to sitting, the colour very slowly coming back to her cheeks.
‘Please,’ she says, ‘give me my baby.’
She looks scared. Scared of me. Does she really think I would do anything to hurt Lily?
‘I will,’ I say. ‘I just want to make sure you’re well enough to hold her when I do. How do you feel?’
Heidi gives a small laugh, which quickly turns into tears.
‘Awful,’ she says. ‘Nothing about any of this isn’t awful. I knew you hated me,’ she says, looking directly at me, ‘but this much? To try to destroy me?’
‘I don’t want to destroy you. All I want to do is help,’ I tell her and I realise that’s the truth. Now anyway. I just want to get us both – all of us even – through this.
‘You’ve made it worse,’ she says, her voice sad.
She puts her hand to her forehead. No doubt she feels the cold film of sweat that has broken out.
‘All these games,’ she whispers. ‘And now Alex.’
‘Alex will want to help too. He loves you. I can see that. When he knows everything, he’ll be able to help you.’
‘He thinks I’m losing my mind,’ she says. ‘All these things, the last few days. The doll, the missing book, the grave. All those things have him thinking I’m not right. That I can’t be trusted with Lily.’
Shame floods me again. The things I’ve done and said. But I’m not responsible for it all. Not for the prayer book. Not for the grave.
She starts to get up. ‘I want to go now,’ she says, reaching out for Lily. ‘Give her to me.’
‘You can’t leave!’ I say, holding Lily firm.
I won’t allow her to just walk away. We’re all living under a cloud and she is the person who has the power to stop it.
‘Who are you to tell me what I can and can’t do?’ she says, stepping closer. ‘Now please, hand my daughter over to me.’
Lily turns her head towards her mother’s voice. I hold her firm.
‘I’m not giving her to you when you’re behaving like this.’
‘I’m not behaving like anything. I just want to go because I don’t feel safe around you. I don’t feel safe in this house. I don’t feel comfortable with your accusations. So please, give my daughter to me and let us both leave.’
I don’t understand why she can’t see that I simply cannot and will not let that happen.
I shake my head and it’s me who is taking a step backwards now, taking her child further away from her.
‘No,’ I say firmly. ‘At least wait until Alex is here and then maybe he can talk some sense into you.’
‘Please! She’s my baby.’
I can see the anguish on her face as she longs to hold her daughter. I don’t want to be cruel.
‘I’ll give her to you,’ I say, ‘only if you stay. You have to promise me you’ll stay.’
She shakes her head but I can see she is wavering. Her desire to have Lily back in her arms outweighs anything else.
She concedes. I hand Lily to her and then I make sure that the front door is locked and she can’t leave even if she changes her mind. She has to realise that I’m doing this for her own good. It will be much worse for her if she doesn’t come clean.