Kathleen agrees to come over. I asked her if she had the diaries and she went very quiet for a moment.
‘Yes, I do. But why do you need them?’
‘Oh, just some admin. Dad left some passwords, pin numbers, that kind of thing, in his diary. I need to access some stuff to close accounts, access his savings, et cetera.’
‘I can look through them, see if I can find anything?’ she said. ‘I’ll call you right back. I’m sorry for taking them. I just wanted to feel closer to him. It’s a comfort to me seeing his handwriting.’
‘I get that,’ I told her, trying to keep my voice level. ‘It’s really only his latest diary I need to see. If you could even bring that. I’ll give it straight back,’ I lied.
I didn’t tell her about Alex. I didn’t tell her to look or not look at the back pages of the diary. I just piled on the traumatised daughter voice thick and heavy until she sighed and agreed.
‘I won’t be long,’ she’d told me.
That had been half an hour ago and Heidi and I are now both getting impatient.
I feel as if I could cry when I see a taxi pull up outside and watch as Auntie Kathleen, looking so much older than her years, climbs out of the car and looks at the house, pausing for a moment before she spots me in the window. She doesn’t smile. She looks serious.
‘She’s here,’ I say as if Heidi hasn’t been as fixated on the window and watching for her arrival as I have.
‘It will help, won’t it? What he wrote?’ she asks me.
‘I hope so,’ I tell her, but the truth is I don’t really know if it will or won’t.
She gives me a weak, watery smile. I jump when I hear the doorbell ring, even though I have watched Kathleen walk up the path and reach her hand towards the door.
‘Okay,’ I say. ‘Try to keep calm,’ I tell Heidi. ‘Remember, as far as she knows we only need this diary for admin reasons. We want her to keep believing that for now. We don’t want to upset her.’
Heidi nods. Sniffs and sits on the armchair, cradling her arms around her. I go and answer the door, my face impassive.
‘Thank you so much for coming, Auntie Kathleen. We’re just trying to get everything organised, you know. Tie up all the loose ends.’
She nods. ‘I’m not sure what the rush is, but I respect your choices. I suppose it would be nice to have it all wrapped up before I go back to England. I can’t stay here forever.’
‘I appreciate it. We appreciate it,’ I say as I lead her into the living room, where she spots Heidi.
‘Oh, I didn’t realise she was here,’ Kathleen says, reaching into her bag and pulling out this year’s leather-bound diary, handing it to me.
‘Nice to see you, Kathleen,’ Heidi replies. ‘Thanks for doing this.’
Kathleen sniffs and nods. She’s clearly still angry with Heidi for the graveside scene. My anger over that has gone now. Now that I know what Heidi has been through. It has been replaced by my own sense of guilt.
But I don’t have time for wallowing in self-pity now. I want to get this to DI Bradley as soon as possible. I flick through the pages, trying to find my father’s hastily scrawled words.
‘Are you looking for something?’ Kathleen asks.
‘Just the pin numbers and passwords,’ I say, feeling my palms start to sweat.
I was sure he wrote in the back of the diary but there’s nothing there. I examine it closely. See ragged edges close to the spine where pages have been torn out.
I look up at Kathleen.
She is looking around the room. I see her look intently at Heidi. It must be obvious that she has been crying. Her eyes aren’t quite as red-rimmed as they were but they are still puffy. She still looks miserable.
I feel my heart start to thud a little faster as I flick through the diary again. I’m not sure why I do, it’s obvious that pages have been torn out, but it doesn’t make sense and I can feel myself starting to panic.
I catch Heidi’s eyes and she reads the worry on my face. Her eyes widen.
‘Can you not find what you’re looking for?’ Kathleen asks. ‘That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? His diary?’
‘Yes,’ I say, distracted as I run my fingers along the rough edges of the paper. ‘It was this diary I wanted, but …’
Kathleen sits down close to Heidi, who seems to be shrinking further and further into herself.
‘The house feels strange without Joe in it, doesn’t it?’ she says. ‘I wonder who will live here next.’
She sounds so jovial. So relaxed.
‘Did anyone else have access to this diary?’ I ask her.
‘No, I don’t think so,’ she says. ‘Why do you ask?’
I try to stop my voice from shaking. Someone has torn the pages out. That much is clear.
‘There just seems to be something missing. Some of the info I needed.’
‘Pin numbers and passwords? That kind of thing?’ she asks and I see it.
I see she is trying to catch me out. I see that she knows exactly what I’m looking for. She’s just waiting to see if I’ll confront her about it.
‘Yes,’ I say, ‘that sort of thing.’
Heidi is looking at me, her eyes pleading with me to solve this huge problem that is beyond my ability to solve.
‘Ah, good. Because the way you’re acting, I’d almost swear you were looking for something else.’
‘What else could there be?’ I ask her and I know we are playing a game. Just as I know she is not on my side.
She shrugs. ‘Maybe something that should never be seen by anyone else,’ she says, flicking an imaginary piece of fluff from her skirt before holding my gaze. ‘Because if you’re looking for those disgusting things he wrote, I’ve destroyed them. Burned the pages. They contained all sorts of things. Lots of private information, you know, things you wouldn’t want falling into the wrong hands. Things you wouldn’t want the whole world knowing.’