Amy returned the day before her book launch, and I somehow managed to keep from discussing Jason at all. She was so excited and giddy with happiness that it was easy to distract her with questions about her trip and Colin’s family.
The next day, I went straight to the event from work, and I arrived at the venue a few minutes late. It was an event hall that occupied the ground floor of a commercial building. There was a separate entrance leading to a thickly carpeted lobby decorated with huge framed paintings on the paneled walls.
Inside the hall, I found Colin and Amy already seated at a table for six. Jason’s friend Carter Hearst was also at the table, along with another man I didn’t recognize. There was no Jason, however. Amy had mentioned that he was out of the country, and I hadn’t let on that I didn’t know anything about his movements anymore.
“You’ve met Carter?” Amy asked after giving me a welcome hug.
“I remember.” I smiled at him. “How’s Amber?”
“She’s fine,” he said with a boyish grin. “It’s good to see you again. I’ll tell her you said hey.”
The other guy was from Colin’s office. He introduced himself and spent the evening trying to draw me into conversation.
“This is really impressive,” I told Amy after reading the profiles of some of the other photographers included in the book. “You’re like…walking among legends.”
“She’s a legend herself,” Colin pronounced, pride in his eyes. “Oh, and congrats on the promotion Daph. Amy told me.”
I tried to look enthused. “Thanks.”
Though the launch was for a photography book, there were performances by a choral group, a violinist, and a troupe of dancers who put on an ethereal performance that left us all applauding.
I tried to enjoy myself, but Jason was never far from my thoughts. There had been a part of my mind that’d hoped maybe he’d be there because of how important his sister’s work was to him.
I’ll never walk away from you.
And yet he had, with no explanation.
I drank the champagne that was being served very generously. I saw Colin lean toward Amy and whisper something to her. She smiled as they exchanged a quick kiss, and I felt a tiny sliver of jealousy cut through me.
How was it possible that their journey was turning out so differently from Jason’s and mine? Like a slightly less tragic version of Anna Karenina.
Was there some moral lesson I wasn’t learning?
Was there some way in which our love had been a wrong kind of love?
Was there something I’d done wrong?
I emptied the glass of champagne in front of me and looked around for a waiter so I could get some more.
And then I saw Jason.
He stood at the edge of the room, his eyes on me. Our eyes locked for a moment then he straightened and strode toward our table.
Eyes turned to look at him as he walked, like he was a whirlwind of raw beauty, sexiness, and devastating confidence. His dark jacket was flawlessly cut and fit perfectly. His dark hair laid back in soft waves, making my fingers ache with the memory of contact. He certainly didn’t appear to be feeling the misery I was experiencing. He looked handsome and dynamic, and I almost couldn’t bear to look at him.
He reached our table and went straight to Amy, leaning down to kiss her cheek. She looked around, shocked to see him.
“Jason!” She gave me an accusing look. “You didn’t tell me he was coming.”
His eyes met mine again, dark and searching, and my gaze dropped to my empty glass. Thankfully the waiter appeared, and I helped myself to more champagne.
I listened with half an ear as he talked with everyone else, everyone but me. He said something to a passing waiter, and a moment later, someone brought another chair and set it next to me.
He sat beside me, and all my senses tuned to him. My eyes stung, and I blinked frantically, trying to keep the tears from falling. Someone climbed onto the stage and started to give a speech, and I concentrated on following each word like my life depended on it.
At first, he didn’t say anything. I saw Amy watching us with a puzzled glance so I smiled at her, and she looked away, reassured.
I could smell the light spicy scent of Jason’s cologne, and it took me back to places I couldn’t bear to remember, not right then, not while he was still pushing me away.
“How are you?”
The gentle words sent a bolt of anger to my brain. How dare he talk to me like there was nothing wrong, like he hadn’t asked me to leave his apartment—his life.
“How do you think?” I retorted, keeping my voice low. I drained my glass and started looking around for another waiter.
“How many of those have you had?” Jason asked.
“Fuck you,” I muttered.
On the stage, the speech ended, and there was light applause.
“Why are you here?” I asked, my voice muffled by the applause. “I heard you weren’t in the country.”
“I just returned.”
“You didn’t have to come,” I said. “You knew I’d be here.”
Somewhere inside, I hoped he would tell me he’d come because he wanted to see me. I hoped he would apologize for the past few weeks, but his next words destroyed any hope I felt.
“You should tell Amy,” he said quietly.
“Tell her what?” I choked. “That we’re over?”
He didn’t respond, and I felt a painful thickening in my throat.
“You told me you…” I searched his face and found nothing, just an inscrutable expression. You told me you loved me. I swallowed the words. “Why don’t you tell her yourself,” I hissed, snatching my purse from the table. I got up and forced a smile. “I’ll be right back,” I said in the general direction of everyone else.
I had no intention of returning to the table. I walked out of the restaurant, and in the lobby, I whipped out my phone to request a ride.
A sixth sense told me Jason had followed me. I turned around, and sure enough, he had just stepped into the sparse lobby. I faced him, waiting as he closed the distance between us.
“You don’t have to leave because of me,” he said softly.
I pulled in a painful breath. I was tired. I was tired of being without him. I was tired of being ignored. I couldn’t allow myself to believe we were over, to believe he didn’t care anymore. Memories of him…of us flashed through my mind—every loving word he’d ever whispered to me, every promise. Whatever the reason he was pushing me away, I couldn’t accept that those things were no longer true.
“Tell me what’s going on,” I pleaded desperately. Even my worst fears didn’t come close to the actual torture of watching him set up barriers between us that I couldn’t cross. “Can’t you see that you’re breaking my heart?”
He pulled in a breath, and when he took me in his arms, I didn’t resist. I melted into his warmth, my hope for an explanation much stronger than any anger I felt toward him for leaving me out in the cold.
“Please, talk to me,” I whispered.
He stroked my hair then he held my gaze. I waited for him to say something, almost ashamed of how eager I was. His hand left my hair, but he kept his eyes on mine.
“There’s nothing to say,” he said, his voice strangely cold and brutal. “I thought I was in love with you, but I was wrong.”
The words rang in my head like a thunderclap, and my legs almost gave way. I didn’t want to believe I’d just heard that right. I stared at his face and took a step back, almost losing my balance.
He reached out to steady me, but I pushed his hands away. Somehow, I managed to walk to the exit. I stepped outside to the sidewalk, unsure what I was going to do. The ride app was still open on my phone, and I stared at the screen uncomprehendingly. I started to walk then stopped, not even sure of the direction I was going.
I thought I was in love with you, but I was wrong.
A scream built in my throat. I felt sick. There was a carved flower planter on the sidewalk, as tall as my waist, sprouting geraniums that were beautifully illuminated by the street lights. I leaned on the edge of the concrete, needing the balance, needing a moment to get my senses in order.
I didn’t notice the SUV until it stopped right in front of me. Leonard approached me quietly, and I glared at him, feeling almost feral in my anger.
“Let me guess—you’re here to take me home.”
He looked sad. “Whenever you’re ready.”
“How much does he pay you to do his dirty work?” I spat, my voice bitter. There were tears on my cheeks, and I pulled in a deep breath of the cool night air. “I don’t need a ride, Leonard, thank you. You can tell him to go fuck himself.”
We were still standing in front of the venue, and I saw Leonard look inside the building. Through the glass, I could see Jason still standing in the brightly lit lobby, his hands in his pockets, watching us.
I clutched my purse and walked past Leonard, back into the building. Jason watched me approach him and his face shuttered.
“You’re lying,” I said, my voice steady.
He looked tired. “There’s no point to this conversation.”
“What conversation, Jason? We haven’t even talked. Tell me the truth—why are you lying to me?”
He didn’t answer.
“You had a ring!” My voice rose, and I stopped and took a breath. “You had a ring. I saw it, at the beach house. What happened? Where did you go when you left me there? What changed?”
“My mother tried to take her own life,” he said quietly. “I went to see her.” He looked at me long and hard. “I know.”
I stared at him, suddenly comprehending. I felt weak. How could I not have guessed? I closed my eyes and covered my face with my hands. “That’s why…oh God!”
He didn’t say anything, didn’t move. He waited until I uncovered my face and raised my gaze to his again. I read the sadness in his eyes. He knew, and he’d dealt with the knowledge alone, refusing to share it with me. I’d been concerned with sparing him the pain, and when he’d found it, he’d borne it alone.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Why?” His voice was full of accusation. “You already knew.”
“If you know that, then you know I don’t care. You don’t get to decide, alone, what we’re doing about this. You don’t get to push me away.”
He laughed. “You’re one to talk. You kept it from me.”
“Because I was waiting for the right time.”
“And when would that have been?” He shook his head. “Go home,” he said softly. “This is for the best.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m not going to let you push me away. You love me.”
“Love?” He laughed, and it sounded like he was barely holding himself together. “Daphne, you are my life, but I’m not going to take yours away from you. Everything has changed.”
“No, it hasn’t,” I cried. “Nothing has changed for me.”
“Then you’re fooling yourself.”
I stared at him, unable to believe how willing he was to walk away from us.
“Did you get tested?”
He stared at me, and my heart shrank in fear, but then he shook his head and hope soared again.
“Then there’s a chance all this is over…nothing!”
“And there’s a chance it’s not. What then? What happens when we find out I’m going to lose my brain cells and become a burden to everyone who loves me?”
“You could never be a burden to me.”
He smiled bitterly. “Go home, Daphne.”
“No. What about what I want? You said you’d never leave me to be alone again. You said you’d stay if I asked you to. You made promises.”
“That I can’t keep.” His voice cracked. “What did you spend all your adult life trying to avoid, Daphne? Why did you spend all those years alone?”
I didn’t answer.
“Everything you feared is what I can offer you right now. One day, you’re going to find yourself alone again. I can’t control this. You deserve better.”
“I don’t want better. I’m not going to let you throw what we have away. I love you—don’t you at least care about that?”
“I care.” His voice rose. “I care so much it’s fucking killing me.” He caught hold of himself and sighed. “I’m in no place to keep any of my promises to you, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can forget about me.”
He took my elbow and led me outside. I followed him mutely and let him help me into the car. I felt numb and frozen inside.
The door shut with him on the other side, and when Leonard started to drive, I watched as Jason stood alone on the sidewalk. I watched as he receded out of sight, and I felt like I was drowning.