“I think fearless is having fears but jumping anyway.”
—Taylor Swift | @taylorswift13
At age 26, the youngest woman ever included in
Forbes’ Most Powerful Women list, ranking #6
In 1932, during the height of the Great Depression, President Franklin Roosevelt knew he needed to calm a worried nation. After three years of economic hardship, many Americans had lost their jobs. Many more had lost their homes. And most people had lost hope that life could ever get any better.
Fear gripped the nation. This is exactly why Roosevelt delivered his now-famous reality check:
“The only thing we have to fear,” he said, “is fear itself.”
While you probably weren’t alive to hear that speech in 1932, it’s safe to say you’ve probably lived through your own private hardships a time or two. Maybe you reached the point where everything looked grim. Maybe you’ve been in situations where you made yourself crazy with apprehension—only to find out the actual circumstances weren’t that bad. Perhaps you pre-supposed something disastrous—then realized there was actually nothing to be afraid of.
Most of the time, the paralyzing effects of fear are simply unjustified.
Whether it’s going on your first job interview, starting your own business, breaking off your engagement, or moving across the country for the first time—these are all things that happen every day. And other people survive them.
As long as your gut instinct isn’t telling you there’s real danger ahead, our advice is to stay the course, focus on the bigger picture, get all the information or practice you need—then take action in spite of your fears.
Where Does Fear Exist for You?
There are only two innate fears that all human beings are born with: the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises.
Every other fear is learned. And what can be learned can be unlearned.
If you don’t like communicating bad news to your boss, for instance . . . if you’re afraid to be in a romantic relationship . . . if you’ve got a fear of public speaking or flying or heights or enclosed spaces—realize that these feelings have grown over time or stem from a specific incident. You can take steps to remove these fears—especially if they’re keeping you from accomplishing something you want to do.
Have you thought through the individual goals you need to tackle on your way to the OolaLife? Once you’ve written them down, you can start to check in with yourself and identify where fear exists for you. For instance, if you want to lose thirty pounds, maybe you’re thinking, I don’t want to hire a personal trainer. I’m embarrassed to be the only fat person at the gym. I don’t want anyone to weigh me.
Well, wouldn’t the benefits of feeling sexier, fitting into those goal jeans, and being super healthy outnumber the brief moments of embarrassment or awkwardness?
If you’re up for a job promotion but the new gig requires public speaking, are you telling yourself, I’ll be a complete disaster in front of an audience?
And if a past romantic encounter has left you uneasy about meeting someone new, that, too, can be overcome with better boundaries, more caution, and maybe starting things slowly by going out on fun group dates with friends.
In almost every instance, what you’re fearing or telling yourself in your head is exactly what you need to push through in order to get your life to a better place.
Are You Stuck in Analysis Paralysis? Or Are You Ignoring Real Danger?
Focusing on everything that can go wrong is how people get stuck in “analysis paralysis”—always analyzing their options and never moving forward on their goals.
Unjustified fear paralyzes people. We see it all the time. Someone is presented with a true opportunity. They analyze it to death, thinking of every reason why it won’t work. This fear keeps them from taking action and keeps them from growing. Fear blocks their path to Oola.
At the other extreme are people who ignore their fears completely and throw themselves headlong into dangerous situations. Our “gut instinct” is there for a reason—to keep us safe. If you feel creepy every time you think about something you’re afraid of, chances are that’s your mind and body warning you. Check your facts. Ask questions. Reassess your options. Check out the people involved more thoroughly. Then decide if it’s just fear or truly a bad decision.
Find a sweet spot in the middle and take action where and when it makes sense.
• • • •
Seeking Oola
THE COURAGE TO LEAVE
by Kristin
On June 25, 2016, at 1:18 pm, I took off my wedding ring and laid it on the front bumper of the OolaBus right below the orange OolaFamily sticker that I had written on thirty minutes earlier. The sticker boldly expressed the dream I knew I needed for my OolaLife: “Release toxic relationships.”
I had walked all around the bus, looking for just the right place for my sticker. I found the spot at the front of the bus just above the license plate. I hadn’t planned to take off my ring. It wasn’t premeditated or preplanned for a photo opp. My mind was calm and clear, my hands steady, my heart resolute. In that moment, I acknowledged a truth I had been hiding from myself for a long time: my marriage was over. It had been over for many years, but like a doctor desperately doing CPR well past the resuscitation time limit, I somehow wouldn’t allow myself to give up.
I stood there awhile in the warm sun, looking at the dream I had for my life. I prayed for God to give me the courage to follow through with what I knew I needed to do: don’t ever put that ring back on.
Looking at the ring on the bumper, I felt free. A peace came over me. I felt strong in the moment and hopeful for my future. All of these emotions were an outward sign of an internal knowing that had been a part of me for many years. I took a picture of the ring and the sticker, because I wanted to remember the power of the moment.
Soon after leaving the OolaBus, I started to argue with myself; to talk myself out of it for the thousandth time. It sounds strange to say that I honestly didn’t think I could leave. I felt as if I was in a complex relational cage, unable to leave.
I’m a classic full-blown, people-pleasing, gold star addict and my highest joy was to earn smiles and words of approval.
He was charming, sophisticated, and single-minded in his pursuit. We had a whirlwind long-distance courtship and were quickly engaged. We were married nine months later, and I carried that co-dependent, people-pleasing pattern into our marriage.
The troubles started right away.
We experienced some good times, especially the miraculous birth of two healthy children; this, after I had been told at age fourteen that I would never be able to have children. We also went through hardships: financial difficulties that culminated in food stamps, foreclosure, and bankruptcy; deep emotional distress and addictions; serious illnesses and the deaths of close family members. I tried to compensate by being the perfect wife and mother: drying the cloth diapers on the line to save on the electricity bill molding myself however I could to make him happy—even looking the other way when he had too many drinks, flirted with other women, or endangered us all by driving drunk.
I didn’t live up to his physical standards of beauty and fitness after our kids were born, and he turned from my body with disgust. I felt undesirable and unlovable. I ignored the constant stream of criticism and contempt, which baffled my family and friends. They begged me to leave him, and my parents stepped out of our lives several times because they couldn’t handle being around us and witnessed how he treated me. I was deeply lonely. This isolated me further, leaving me connected only to him. I went deeper into the cage.
There was a point when I was so miserable that I fantasized he would die in a car accident. I actually prayed for it to happen. I desperately wanted to be free of him and I couldn’t think of another way. I was trapped by my own conditioning to think that I could actively make a decision to save myself. And I knew he would never leave me or willingly accept a divorce, so I saw death as the only way out. At the time, I was still seeing myself as a victim to my past choices, looking for the key to change my future.
I came up with all kinds of excuses, but the truth was . . . it was fear. Fear that I would be seen as the “bad one” rather than the “good one.” Fear that I failed my marriage. Fear of the effect of divorce on my children. Fear of not having enough money to do it on my own. Fear of being alone forever because no man would possibly want me. Fear of making another wrong choice in a new relationship. And my deepest fear was that I believed I could not maintain my faith and would be judged by others.
Let’s go back to that ring on the OolaBus that sunny day in June. This is where I first realized that the risks of staying in the current situation far outweighed the risks of leaving. I realized that I actually felt nothing for him. In the simple gesture of putting a Sharpie to a sticker, and that sticker on the OolaBus, I found the courage to tell him and our counselor that I wanted a divorce. I acknowledged that, rather than the death of a marriage, I simply called out something that died a long time ago but was never properly grieved.
It feels like the birth of a new life. I don’t feel angry or bitter anymore. I feel oddly peaceful. In a way, it feels holy and precious and beautiful.
Author Brené Brown says, “Often the result of daring greatly is not a victory march, but rather a sense of quiet peace mixed with a little battle fatigue.” So today I offer up this vulnerability prayer: God, give me the courage to show up and be seen. Courage to do the one thing I thought I would never do, so that I can live a life I never thought I could. Courage to leave what I know for what I don’t know. Courage to leave behind financial provision and live-in parenting help. Courage to rock my career and provide for myself and my kids financially. Courage to tell my kids I am choosing to end it, even though he doesn’t want to. Courage to someday sit with someone new and share my story and hear his. Courage to believe that I am made for the extraordinary and was made on purpose for a purpose. Courage to be a voice of hope for others.
So here I go . . .
. . . Opening the door to the cage and finding it was never locked in the first place. I have had the key all along.
• • • •
There is an underlying theme in Oola that we mention many times in our books, on stage, and on social media: You are designed by God for greatness and a purpose.
Many times that greatness and purpose live right on the other side of fear. Sometimes you will have to find the courage to push through fear and other times you can be pulled through fear by love, passion, and faith.
LIVING OOLA
THE COURAGE TO STAY
by Doreaser
This is my love story . . .
As I sat across from my husband of fourteen years, fighting back the waves of nausea as he confessed his infidelity to me, I became intensely aware that, no matter what, from this moment on, my life would never be the same. I would never be the same.
It was the single most shattering moment in my life. I remember a bizarre burning sensation permeating my whole body and, in truth, I wasn’t sure I was going to maintain consciousness. I sat there as he “came clean,” looking intently at him as he lowered his tear-filled eyes in abject shame. At that moment I became equally aware that, no matter what, from this moment on his life would never be the same; he would never be the same. I was witnessing the breaking of a man as my own heart was breaking.
I am just as human as the next woman and the blast of horrific and devastating emotions wracked my entire being. There was anger like I had never felt before, shame to the point of wanting to disappear, and a deep sense of worthlessness. And trumping it all was the deepest fear I had ever known.
Over the following days and weeks, I would bounce back and forth between wanting to stay and work it out to being overcome with anger and desperately wanting out of the marriage. More accurately, I wanted out of the pain. I finally understood how someone could actually die of a broken heart.
There was one sleepless night I actually thought I would simply die as I clutched my pillow for some comfort. With each tear, I was hoping to empty myself of all the hurt and disappointment. The tears that night eventually stopped, but the hurt and disappointment remained.
I woke the next morning realizing I had no choice but to make a choice. I had grounds to leave my marriage, but all through that night I knew I still loved this man. How can I still love the one who broke me? Am I just being weak? Or am I simply afraid that I can’t survive on my own?
I always told myself there would be no doubt what I would do if my husband ever cheated on me—I would be out of there faster than you could blink—no questions asked. That’s until it happened to me. The truth is, no one really knows what they would do until they’re knee deep in it.
Finally, one evening I went to the beach and sat alone on the sand. I found myself lost in the stillness and soul-drenching peace of the setting sun. With the sound of the waves distracting me from my rampaging thoughts, and the mist of the ocean encouraging my whole being to take in every drop of relief being offered me, I surrendered. Right then and there I surrendered to the notion that I did not, and would not, die from a broken heart. I was still breathing and I was still managing my life, my children, my job, and my home . . . I had survived!
I don’t actually think I have the words to completely describe what changed in me but something definitely shifted. I realized that for my sake I needed to make a decision. Would I leave the marriage and “shake the dust from my feet” as I walked away, or would I go against every fiber of my being, fight the fear, stay strong, and actually choose to stay?
This would be the single most courageous decision of my life. I had to overcome all the fear and, believe me, there was more than I could have ever imagined. Clearly trust was gone, life as we knew it was gone, the illusion of wedded bliss was gone, but the broken pieces of our love remained . . . and where there is love, there is hope. I had made the decision to not define my marriage by one mistake, no matter how damaging it was but rather by how I—how we—responded to that mistake.
I chose to have the courage to stay.
This was terrifying work and there were many moments I questioned my sanity in choosing to stay. I remember telling my mother, as I lay with my head in her lap, crying out to her, “This is either going to be the craziest thing I’ll ever do or the most courageous!”
I had some truly wretched days as I worked at healing, as did my husband. It broke him to see what he had done to me, to us, to our family, but he was determined to endure whatever it took to mend what he broke. One of the first things I told him was that he couldn’t make any promises. I didn’t want to hear words, I needed to see action. His first action was marriage counseling. I cannot stress how important it was, not only for the immediate disaster we were trying to survive, but also for all the baggage that led up to this tragedy. We discovered there was a whole lot of garbage that needed to be taken out and it was time to really clean house. We worked together on our assignments. This was so unlike him. His effort began to repair the trust I thought was forever broken.
Every day, especially the tough ones, I had to make the active choice to continue in my marriage when many days leaving felt like it would be so much easier. Even today, seventeen years later, a random song, conversation, or movie will bring back all the emotions of this devastating chapter in my life. However, I let faith fuel my choice to move forward because I can’t trust my emotions. The days I let my emotions rule, all hell breaks loose and only serves to set us back . . . to set me back.
I now look at my husband and am overcome with love and gratitude that we stuck it out! We did the work, we let go of the fear and worry that would have robbed us of something we weren’t even sure would happen. We had hope and we grew stronger, not only as a couple but as individuals. Our marriage is better now—not in spite of the infidelity but, in truth, because of it. Everything we were was destroyed, but that destruction cleared a space to build something far greater, much deeper, and more lasting.
I chose hope over fear. Faith and love were in there—we just needed to dig them out and we did. And because we did we have a deep and meaningful marriage; we came out with so much more than what we went in with.
Thirty-two years and counting, and our love story continues . . .
• • • •
Fear comes at us constantly in one form or another. Sometimes it’s the cumulative effect of lots of little fears over time that hold you back. Other times you’ll be faced with a huge life challenge (or opportunity) that will require you to conquer fear in order to move forward.
So what can you do when confronted with fear that is holding you back from living fully?
IDENTIFY WHERE YOUR FEARS EXIST AND HOW THEY LIMIT YOU. Where are you feeling fearful? And how are these fears limiting your life? If public speaking terrifies you, for example, but you know you need to speak to groups in order to grow your business, will your business grow if you give in to the fear? On the flip side, what would your life look like a year from now if you summoned up the courage and became a sensational speaker—charming audiences and growing your business rapidly?
Only when you identify your fears—then picture what’s waiting for you just outside your comfort zone—can you fully grasp the limits your fears have put on your own future.
MAKE PLANS TO FIX YOUR FEARS. Decide what your action steps will be for overcoming your fears, then start to “future pace” yourself with images of what your life will look like once you’re on the other side.
You probably know what you have to do. But are there ways you don’t know about for overcoming fears? Could you interview people about what to expect? Is there information you don’t have yet? Can you check things out online? Often times, just informing yourself better will calm your fears. But usually there’s no substitute for making a decision, jumping in, and just getting real-life experience.
TAKE ACTION TO OVERCOME YOUR FEARS. You’re not the only one ever to feel fear. Most moms dread taking their kids to daycare for the first time. Lots of singers never get over the fear of performing on stage. And most business owners stress over making payroll in the early stages of their business. But you can only overcome your fears by getting into action.
Where do you face fear and what’s the action step you need to take—that “twenty seconds of courage” you need to commit to in order to push through fear?