“We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.”
—Marianne Williamson | @marwilliamson
Author and international lecturer on
spiritual, personal, and political issues
You deserve an extraordinary life. Regardless of what you’ve done—or have failed to do—you have an incredible future within you.
By now, you’ve been working hard to identify where you need to grow in the 7 F’s. You may have begun to think about your Oola goals and started on your OolaPath (which we’ll walk you through at the end of this book). You’re planning and growing and taking big steps. Soon, your stress will begin to ease. You’ll become more balanced. You’ll finally feel on track to achieve your dreams.
But just as you’re on the verge of the perfect OolaLife, did you know that you actually run the risk of losing all progress?
Negative self-talk—hidden in your subconscious mind—will begin to say, You don’t deserve this. You’re not good enough. You’re not smart enough. Even worse, this furtive form of self-sabotage can actually cause you to take actions that will undo all the progress you’ve made.
If you’ve ever worked hard to lose thirty pounds, only to gain all the weight back . . . if you’ve ever met the perfect guy, only to overthink and blow it up for no reason . . . if you’ve ever been presented with a lifetime opportunity for your career, but failed to move forward with it, that was your subconscious mind controlling your actions.
Why does it do that?
Over your lifetime, your subconscious mind—which runs your body’s systems, takes in information, and helps you make decisions—becomes programmed to act in your best interests. It protects you from harm. So every time you try to achieve—but fail miserably—your subconscious mind reacts to that painful disappointment by saying, Okay, so we’re never doing that again. It stores the information so it can “protect you” the next time you take similar action.
Now that you’re about to start down a positive path, your subconscious mind will likely tell you to stop. Persevere past these messages, and it might wreak more havoc. Start to rack up actual achievements, and it will probably make you do things to unravel all you’ve accomplished.
YOUR SELF-TALK IS LYING TO YOU
Regardless of what your subconscious mind says, you are smart, successful, beautiful, and accomplished. You’re capable, lovable, talented, and interesting. Like the thousands of women we meet at Oola events, your life has so much potential.
So where do these negative “I’m-not-good-enough” thoughts come from? From the crap that people have told you that you’ve started to believe.
Maybe your father barely acknowledged you and rarely applauded your achievements. Maybe your mom repeatedly told you how irresponsible you were. Maybe a teacher or a coach embarrassed you for giving the wrong answer in class or making a mistake in competition. And you probably grew up with neighbor kids who laughed, gossiped, and made fun of you from time to time.
Later, when you started your career, maybe you didn’t get recognition for your ideas or were told your input didn’t matter. If you started a business, perhaps your family told you it wouldn’t work—maybe even begging you to get a “stable” job instead of admiring your talent, honoring your judgment, and encouraging you in your dream.
Bit by bit, these hits to your self-worth programmed your subconscious to keep your life unexceptional, safe, and ordinary.
YOU ARE WORTHY
Stop telling yourself a story. Stop believing the hurtful comments and belittling remarks. You deserve to live the fulfilling life of your dreams. You can handle whatever the world throws at you. You are worthy of all you want and more.
You’re also worthy of being loved for who you are. And being loved starts with how you talk to yourself. It starts with how self-loving you are.
So change your self-talk to words of praise, encouragement, and acknowledgment. Love yourself as much as you love your children or your spouse. Give the world a great example of how to love you by loving yourself well—not in a narcissistic way—but by standing up for your needs, celebrating your own achievements, and staying focused on your dreams.
• • • •
SEEKING OOLA
BREAKING UP WITH ED
by Alyse H Disclaimer and Limit of Liability
The publisher, author(s), writer(s), contributor(s), and copyright holder (collectively, “we”) have used our best efforts in preparing this publication (“book”). Other than the use of our best efforts, we make no representations or warranties with respect to this book. In particular, we make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book. We specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranties may be created by implication. No oral or written statement by us or any sales representative or other third party shall create any warranties. We do not guarantee or warrant that the information and opinions stated in this book will produce any particular results, and we caution readers that the advice and strategies contained in this book may not be suitable for every individual. We, individually or collectively, shall not be liable for any monetary loss, physical injury, mental anguish, property damage, loss of profit or any other commercial, physical and emotional damages, including, but not limited to, special, incidental, consequential or other damages. We, individually or collectively, are not engaged in rendering professional advice. If professional or psychological advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought. all
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Yeah . . . right!
“You look fat in those jeans,” Ed said. Part of me wanted to die whenever Ed spoke to me. It seemed like he was always there to tear me down and pull me away from anything great in my life. I would tell myself his opinion didn’t matter, that I wouldn’t let it get to me, but it always did.
I knew he wasn’t good for me, and I wanted him out of my life, but I couldn’t get away from him. I just wanted to be normal, young and free, enjoying time with my friends and family. Pursuing my dreams and creating memories. But no matter what I was doing, Ed was there to tell me NO.
Every cell of my being was strong enough to not get into a relationship with Ed. I was raised in a loving and strong family that taught me that I was destined for greatness. My parents were fully supportive of my dreams, even when they were different from theirs.
But as a teenager, I let him in. At first it was just an occasional conversation. Over time, he insidiously claimed more and more space in my life while simultaneously forcing out self-worth and self-love. Before I knew it, he controlled my life.
Our relationship started at the very time I began being bullied from girls in my class. Simply, I wasn’t like them. I was shorter, stocky, and my Italian skin was darker than theirs. And that was different enough for them to single me out and start making me the target for their jokes and taunting.
“I am strong and I can get through this,” I told myself repeatedly. I didn’t want to tell my parents about it, but Ed was there. And although I knew he wasn’t good for me, he provided an odd comfort in a progressively out-of-control situation.
Finally, I broke and told my parents everything. Exhausted and crying, I said, “Please help me! I can’t handle the bullying any longer and I am starting to believe what these girls are saying. I feel that I am losing the battle between who I am and who they are saying I am!”
My parents were destroyed to hear that their daughter was struggling in these ways. They told me that everything would be okay and that they would transfer me to a different school at the end of the quarter. I felt relief in this. I saw an end in sight. I faked a smile and found the courage to face these bullies every day, knowing that soon I would be able to leave them in my past.
I also found the strength to break up with Ed.
My new school was my refuge, a fresh start. I thought that this was where I could finally be me and pursue my passions again without the onslaught of evil words. I had barely got into a rhythm of this new school and meeting new friends when my past crept into my present. The bullies from my old school started reaching out to me on social media. And worse yet, they started reaching out to my new friends on social media, telling them that I was a bitch and a bad person. I couldn’t start over again. I couldn’t move to another new school. I couldn’t deal with this again. I am strong, I thought to myself, but I am not this strong. I started to feel weak and, before I knew it, Ed was back in my life.
He told me that maybe if I just lost a little weight, I would not get bullied anymore. Maybe if I just cut my food intake down to 500 calories a day and worked out at least two hours a day, burning 1,000 calories or more, I would get skinny and they would like me. Then I would fit in.
So, I listened!
No matter how much I tried to love myself for who I was, I would listen to Ed.
Soon, yet again, Ed controlled every decision in my life. I would get anxiety when my family was planning a family get-together, because I knew there would be food there. There would be pasta and bread . . . my favorites. “Look at yourself. You are already fat, and if you go to that family party there will be food and you will eat it and get fatter.” Ed said.
Before I knew what happened in my life, I was ninety-five pounds.
I would look in the mirror and see my ribs sticking out from under my bra. I would think, Oh, my God, what have I done to myself? God, please help me. Please save me from this. But as soon as I would get an honest glimpse of my frail body, Ed would tell me that I was still fat and that I could do better and that’s why people hated me. “You are pathetic, suck your stomach in,” Ed would tell me.
I missed out on family vacations because of Ed. I missed out on fun with friends because of Ed. And I missed out on any chance at a real relationship . . . because of Ed.
At age twenty-two, with the encouragement of my family, I broke up with Ed for the last time.
It was during my seven months of therapy for exercise bulimia that I realized how destructive Ed had been in my life. I became aware that my relationship with ED (Eating Disorder) started shortly after the bullying started and intensified throughout my teenage years. Although it didn’t kill me physically, it killed my spirit as a young woman and robbed me from so much. In therapy, I was asked to write out everything bad that Ed would tell me . . . and the list was long. When asked to write out everything that I loved about myself, I just sat there; my mind and the sheet of paper in front of me were blank. My eyes welled up with tears as I realized that although Ed didn’t kill me physically, he killed my confidence, self-worth, power, and dreams. I chose to end it here. I looked at the blank page and started with, “I love my smile.”
It has now been six years since I broke up with Ed—the scariest thing I’ve ever done. And although he is like a bad ex-boyfriend lurking in the depths of my mind, I have overcome this part of my life. I have triumphantly found deep love for myself as a woman and now as a wife, expectant mother, successful doctor, and friend. Every day, I hear women say what they don’t like about themselves . . . Their hair. Their body. Their arms. Their legs. Their smile. Their nose. The list goes on and on . . .
When I hear this, I know that even though they may not have an eating disorder, they do have an Ed in their lives. And although we all are different, we all share an inner strength and deserve the life of our dreams. If we are going to be free to love others and chase our dreams, we need to love ourselves . . . and we all need to break up with our Ed.
• • • •
Words are powerful; they can build you up or break you down. Choose your words carefully—not only the words you use with others, but also the words you use with yourself.
But how do you overcome a lifetime of negative self-talk and toxicity around you? How do you find strength and a voice when it feels as if no one is listening? Missy did it, one step at a time . . . literally.
LIVING OOLA
INKED
by Missy Wollman
It was Saturday. The air was stale and the lights where dim; exactly how you would picture a place like this. I was lying on my back. The faux brown leather table was uncomfortable. It was trying its best to support me as I squirmed in a mix of anxiety and pain. I’m not sure what was more unnerving, the buzzing sound of the gun or the pain of the needle stabbing ink into my wrist. I wasn’t looking for art, I was looking for a statement. A statement not to others, but to me. A permanent reminder of where I came from and where I’m going. I specifically wanted it on my wrist, written upside down, so that I could read it daily as a reminder of the badass within.
It simply read: She believed she could, so she did. #LiveOola
I had just finished a kid’s run with my son on the Thursday before, a 5K on Friday, and a 10K that morning. As I crossed the finish line, my son asked for a double high five. Not just a high five, but a double . . . and that’s a big deal. Little did he know, or anyone, how big of a deal it was.
My mind drifted back to when I was thirteen years old and sitting around the dining room table at my grandma’s house. Looking in from the outside, our family seemed normal, or as normal as could be for a small-town family get-together. My mom and grandmother had finished preparing the food and were bringing it to the table. My father, a man of few words, was humble and very hardworking; he was out pouring concrete, missing another dinner. My brother was doing what brothers do; talking smart and irritating me. Suddenly, Pat walked in. My throat tightened and my body went numb. I strained to pull air into my lungs, but I couldn’t. I needed to get air. I needed to go outside, so I ran for the door and my mom followed closely behind. Terrified, she asked, “What is wrong?”
All I could say was, “We need to leave . . . now!”
My brother stayed in the house and I convinced my mom to drive away in the car. I didn’t care where, just away. After ten years of pain and secrets, I finally had the courage to tell her the truth. With my head down and my voice weak, I finally said, “It’s Pat.”
Pat was my grandmother’s boyfriend and he started sexually abusing me when I was three years old. He said that it was “our little secret” and I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. I was three, so I didn’t.
I held onto this secret for all these years—and all the shame and guilt that came along with it. I ate to feed the pain. A piece of me felt that if I gained weight, maybe I would no longer appeal to him and he wouldn’t touch me anymore.
The weight came on but he didn’t stop. I lost myself over those ten years. I lost my innocence. I lost the idea of what love was. I felt weak, used, and worthless. I hated myself.
The short ride home felt like forever. My mom took me in the house and sat me on the couch. She sat in disbelief as she tried to process what was said. It was too much for her. She went straight into denial and the room went silent.
When my dad got home, my mom took him by the arm and pulled him into the adjoining room. Moments later, my dad emerged crying; I’d never seen that before. He walked over to me and held me safely in his arms in a way only he could. Even at thirteen, I could read the mix of deep sorrow and intense rage in his eyes. He loved me, he was my rock, he was my protector, and he felt that he had failed his little girl. He just kept saying over and over, “My baby girl, my baby girl, you didn’t do anything wrong and I love you.”
I wish this moment could’ve been the turning point in my story. I wish this is where everything in my life changed for the better.
But it didn’t.
The abuse stopped, but the pain, the weight gain, and self-hate didn’t. Time didn’t heal. Time only made it worse. I had zero confidence and I was sabotaging my entire life. I couldn’t shake it. I carried this with me from the time I was a toddler, through high school, and even into my marriage.
Throughout the years, I was desperately searching for that one spark or magical moment where I felt powerful and I could love myself again. It was after hearing the OolaGuys speak at a live event, and reflecting on all the searching, reading, counseling, and support throughout my life that I realized that if I truly want change, it starts with me. I started putting one foot in front of the other and I just kept going, and going . . . and going. Think Forest Gump, but a Midwest girl version.
What started as a couple steps on a random day has led to a complete transformation. Just as every unwelcomed touch took away a piece of me, each step seemed to bring it back. I’ve lost over 100 pounds in the last year and I am still going. In those pounds shed on country roads, treadmills, and dance classes, I also shed twenty-six years of shame, guilt, anger, and self-hate.
Today, I believe in me. I have learned to become my own number one cheerleader. I feel beautiful and sexy. Instead of not feeling worthy of love from my amazing husband, I now enjoy looking my best. My kids have been changed, too. They’re confident, active, and living a healthy lifestyle. I now know the difference between good relationships and bad, and make no room in my life for the bad ones. It seems that as my confidence continues to grow—and the love for who I am as a woman grows—so do all the other key areas of my life.
I realize that everyone has challenges. They can break you or they can change you. I’m changed and I’m back. I believed I could—and I did. And if you don’t believe me, I’ll show you my tattoo.
• • • •
Melissa’s story is just one example of the journey to healthy self-love: treating herself well so she can be available to the life that’s awaiting her. What about you? Is anything holding you back from living your OolaLife? Or do you need to overcome self-sabotage and begin pursuing the extraordinary future that’s within you. Let’s take a look below.
IDENTIFY THE SOURCE OF YOUR SELF-SABOTAGE. When you look in the mirror, who do you see? Do you see a capable, confident, captivating woman? Do you see someone who has goals in life with plans to achieve them? If not, what’s the story you’re telling yourself?
If negative, self-sabotaging thoughts exist, why do you think they’re there? Where do they come from?
Only when you identify the source of your self-sabotage and negative self-talk can you begin to eliminate its impact from your life.
TAKE STEPS TO BOOST YOUR SELF-WORTH. When your parents, your spouse, or your friends use belittling words with you, it’s like death by a thousand cuts. It’s anchoring the idea of inadequacy inside your head. To counteract this hit to your self-worth, first ask for more supportive and encouraging dialog. Ask for helpful remarks instead of hurtful criticism. Stand up for yourself.
Then, replace what you get from other people with a lot of atta-girl’s and high fives from yourself whenever you accomplish even the smallest achievements. Celebrate yourself daily—in the mirror, if you have to—with a big smile, words of praise, and a few words of encouragement for tomorrow. It doesn’t matter whether you ate healthy that day or met a sales challenge at work, or finally finished a project at home, you deserve to be applauded—even if it’s only self-praise. When others see you treating yourself well and happier than you’ve ever been, they’ll show up in a whole new way for you. That kind of confidence is irresistible.
DON’T SETTLE FOR ORDINARY WHEN EXTRAORDINARY IS WITHIN YOU. You were designed by God for greatness. You are here for a specific purpose. Remember that where you are now is not where you’re destined to stay. Tell yourself daily, This is just where I am. It’s not who I am.
Then, anchor that affirmation by writing it on a card, wearing the Oola affirmation band or adding it to your smartphone so you can repeat it every day to yourself. I AM . . . designed by God for greatness.