“The spirit of envy can destroy; it can never build.”
—Margaret Thatcher
First female Prime Minister of
the United Kingdom
The world is an infinite place. There’s more than enough to go around. But lots of women go through life feeling bad about themselves because someone else has more . . . or they’re better . . . or their life is just different.
Of course, it’s normal to compare your life to others’ and say, I’d like to own a house like hers. I wish I’d gotten the promotion she did. I’d love to take a trip like that.
This perfectly normal emotion—jealousy—comes from comparing yourself, then wanting what other people have. Jealousy is normal as long as it passes through you. But when jealousy sticks around and grows into envy—that’s when it becomes an OolaBlocker. So what’s the difference between the two? With envy, not only do you want what someone else has, you don’t want them to have it . . . and that is dark. Envy will not get you what you desire, in fact, it will keep you from what you desire.
REMEMBER, YOU’RE RUNNING YOUR OWN RACE
President Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” He knew that constantly judging yourself against some impossible standard of living or random level of success can actually rob you of the joy you get from the awesome aspects of your own life.
Besides, most people haven’t researched what it would be like to maintain that house, do that job, or travel to that exotic locale. It’s possible you wouldn’t even like those things once you acquired them. Your job instead is to decide what’s right for you, authentic to you—then pursue it with all your heart.
WHERE ARE YOU ALREADY CRUSHING IT?
As you assess your current life and make goals for your future, you might discover you’re already crushing it in four to six of the F’s of Oola. Perhaps you live in the countryside in a historic farmhouse with your loving husband and three terrific kids. Maybe you get to pursue your favorite hobbies or volunteer while the kids are at school and still have plenty of time to garden or decorate a picture-perfect house.
Well, many women would love to trade places with you. And many more are wondering how you do it.
All too often, we allow society to define what an “ideal lifestyle” is. We watch celebrities on TV and think they’ve got it goin’ on. We read lifestyle magazines and feel bad about our own circumstances.
Your life is unique. So is your path. Don’t fall into the comparison trap.
• • • •
SEEKING OOLA
SHE’S PERFECT
by Danielle McDurfee
I walked into the bathroom and there she was . . . fake smile, fake hair and fake personality! And the most annoying—her fake positive attitude. Look at her! I said to myself as I washed my hands and gave her a halfhearted grin. It was the best I could muster up in the current situation. She was that popular, cute girl who dated the popular athlete—and I wasn’t.
Everyone in school and the community loved Vanessa: girls, guys, adults, kids, teachers, coaches and even my parents. Oh, Vanessa this and Vanessa that. But whatever. I could tell just by looking at her that she wasn’t what others made her out to be. I knew it was just a matter of time before others would see what I saw. There is no way she can keep faking being this nice and this pretty forever. She will screw up eventually and when she does, I’m going to be there to witness her fall from glory.
She looked back at me, smiled to reveal her perfect teeth, and said, “Hey Danielle, how are you doing?”
I rolled my eyes slightly and said, “Fine. How about you?”
Not that I cared, but I knew it was the polite thing to say. Of course, her response was, “Great!” And then she proceeded to tell me about school, her life, and of course her boyfriend . . . ugh! She actually tried to carry on a conversation with me. What a bitch. But damn, she’s good at faking it. I must admit that I almost fell for it myself, but no way, I am not that gullible. I’m not that stupid.
We finally graduated high school and all went our separate ways. The sun seemed a bit brighter not having to walk in Vanessa’s shadow. Actually, I got a tan for the first time that summer. That fall, I entered college and loved it. Made great friends. Went to cool parties. Dated a very handsome guy . . . or should I say, I dated a bunch of very handsome guys. But the best thing was, I found my career path and was off and running. Although I was miles away from Vanessa, rumors of her life seemed to always float my way at the most inopportune times.
She joined the military . . . I guess she wants people to think she is some GI Jane or something.
She deployed to Iraq to serve our country . . . of course she did, why wouldn’t she? She’s perfect!
She returned a hero, got a degree, and got engaged to that popular, good-looking athlete guy . . . still hate her!
Three years passed and I heard less and less of Vanessa as I continued building my career and enjoying parties, friends, and guys. Travelling was my newfound passion. So when a dear friend asked me to leave the snow and cold for Spring Break on a beach in Pensacola, I didn’t even ask questions . . . sign me up! After working hard, I was anticipating this trip for weeks. I couldn’t wait to put on my bikini and soak up some much-deserved rays while sipping mai tai’s in Florida with my girlfriends.
The day arrived and I got the text, “Babe. 5 minutes out.”
My girlfriend was on her way to pick me up for the ride to the airport. Flip-flops, sunglasses, and three bikinis was all I needed, but for some reason my bag was overweight. I forced a smile through the strain on my face as I dragged my suitcase down the steps of my condo in my high heels and out to the street. The car pulled up and out jumped Vanessa. WTF! Who invited her? Blinded by her smile and her personality, I was instantly back in high school. She grabbed my bag and effortlessly threw it into the trunk. I guess I didn’t need that sunscreen in my bag since I’d be in her shadow the whole trip.
On the twenty-minute drive to the airport I had a running internal dialogue of conflicting emotions: This is my vacation and I’m going to enjoy it no matter what. I bet she looks amazing in a bikini. But I look good, too, don’t I? Maybe I can just avoid her. It won’t be that bad, Danielle, just be positive. This is gonna suck.
I fell asleep on the four-hour flight or maybe I passed out from the stress, but either way, I was soon in Florida and on my vacation. I avoided conversation with her the whole way in the taxi; she talked a lot but I wore my headphones. Problem solved. We got to our vacation home and I proudly thought that I had this whole “avoiding her” thing figured out. Until she uttered those four words that changed my life forever: “I’ll room with Danielle.” Just kill me now!
It has been ten years since rooming with Vanessa in Florida. And in those ten years, Vanessa and I have travelled to many beaches, gone to some of the best concerts, shared all our secrets, and enjoyed our greatest moments in life. We’ve been bridesmaids in each other’s weddings and supported each other mentally and physically through pregnancy and the birth of our babies. Vanessa is even the godmother to my firstborn daughter.
What I realized in those seven days was that there was nothing fake about Vanessa. She is exactly who others told me she was. She is sweet, kind, funny, beautiful, and now my best friend. When people meet her and ask me if she is truly that nice, I laugh and say, “Yeah, it’s kind of annoying but she is.”
• • • •
It’s easy to be in competition with someone we know well. This is where comparison will bring out the worst in us—and possibly cause us to lose a great friend. Unhealthy competition can keep you stuck in envy.
But envy also comes from prejudging someone we don’t know, then assuming their life is great. You compare yourself to “the competition” and end up feeling less than. But think about it: could there be aspects of her life that are difficult, hurtful, or depressing? Or do you have more in common than is apparent at first glance? What if you put aside your jealousy and envy and get to know that other woman as a person? You can never know fully what’s in someone’s heart—good or bad—when you compare, judge, and assume.
LIVING OOLA
THE OTHER WOMAN
by Shannon Rheault
I remember the first time I spoke with her, how jealous and angry I was! She was the “other” woman—my ex’s new wife—and she was spending time with my children!
I remember the utter turmoil and the uncomfortable feeling of complete helplessness knowing that a woman, other than me, would influence my babies’ lives and I had no control over it! I wanted to throw things, I wanted to hate her, I wanted to be the only “mom” in my children’s lives—yet there she was. I’ll never forget the day when I told my own mother that “she” had baked cookies with my daughter, and my mom literally said, “You best be careful!” I was scared. I was a single mom, working nonstop to provide for my children, keep the bills paid, and do my best to keep my sanity. I did not want this, nor did I choose this. I wanted more than anything for my children to dislike her as much as I did, but they didn’t.
She was kind, she was thoughtful, she was considerate, and she was understanding. She was a lot like me and it wasn’t long before I had to acknowledge it. She made life easier for my babies who were reeling from their parents’ break up. Though she’d had no part in that, she helped them adjust to the change they didn’t ask for and they did not choose.
In reality, she made my life easier.
I remember letting go of the hurt and forgiving the past. That was a big moment for me. I realized that we weren’t here because of one person’s actions but because of life choices that we all had made. Life had thrown us some curve balls, there was no need to lay blame. I could hold on to resentment and let it destroy me and destroy my kids, or I could let go.
Letting go is what saved me from a life of resentment and fear that would have destroyed all of us.
And when I let go, I cannot describe what happened—what’s been happening—in our family! Our Christmases are amazing, we share meals, we celebrate birthdays, and “the other woman” and I even do girls’ nights with my daughter! We’ve been able to stick to family traditions for more than twenty years. If you stop to consider our history and connections, you’d likely think we’re an odd group. Our families and friends thought we were weird; they just didn’t get it. But as the years went by and they have come to understand, they have all embraced it. I’ve since remarried and have two younger children who—along with my ex’s stepson—see us all as one family. They love each other and don’t even consider that there’s no blood relationship between them.
What is more special than anything is how this woman has proven that she deserves my children’s love and my respect. When I have faced some of the most difficult times in my life she was there for me, over and over again. When I was travelling for weeks at a time for work and the kids needed a mom, she was there. When I lost my job and didn’t have enough money to pay for Christmas gifts for the kids, she secretly provided them for me and never once asked for recognition. When her mom passed away, it was a very difficult time for her. I remember coming to the family gathering after the funeral and her dad coming to hug me. He told me that we were such special women that we were able to push aside resentment, anger, and fear and embrace a special relationship—that we were an example to other blended families out there, to other women out there.
Not a lot of people refer to “the other woman” as a “gift” unless it’s dripping with sarcasm—but I can. The woman I initially viewed as my biggest threat has become one of my greatest gifts.
• • • •
You, too, will be happier, less stressed, and more authentic if you focus on what you already have in your life—instead of being envious of what others have. In fact, envy keeps you from discovering and getting what you truly want. To overcome envy for good, these tips will help you focus on your own path.
AVOID COMPARING WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU HAVE. We’ve been taught as a culture that we’re all pursuing the same thing: money, a high standard of living, the perfect man, a slim and toned body. But the reality is that you have unique gifts and abilities and dreams and desires, so comparing yourself to some fixed standard isn’t even fair. While one woman might have material aspirations, another might have creative aspirations. We’re all just different.
Unfortunately, when we allow society to define what a great life is, we take the focus off of our own needs and desires and already-awesome life—not realizing that what you already have is very attractive to someone else. It’s all a matter of perspective.
Instead, why not define “the good life” on your own. Once you do—and start pursuing it—you really have no need to be jealous or envious of anybody.
GET INSPIRED BY OTHERS’ ACCOMPLISHMENTS. Rather than being envious of what others are doing, use it as inspiration for what’s possible. If someone has the marriage you want, the business you want, or the kind of financial statement you want to have, why not try to learn from her—or even recruit her as a mentor? She can inspire you and lead you to see those goals and dreams happening in your own life.
This is especially true if you’re already solid in six of the Oola categories. If there’s one category in which you’re struggling, reach out by saying, Hey, this is my challenge. I’m looking to learn from you.
SEEK COLLABORATION IN ACHIEVING YOUR OWN GOALS. Small thinkers focus on competition, while big thinkers focus on collaboration. If you can combine forces with others—instead of being envious of what they’re doing—you can make great things happen in the world. And your efforts might just have a ripple effect that benefits millions of people.
So rather than always compartmentalizing your life with thoughts like, I have to have the perfect life and I have to do everything myself, why not draw other people in so greater things can happen?