Chapter 9

 

Two hours later, I felt suitably buzzed from the alcohol we’d consumed in the Buddha-Bar at the Paris hotel, still unable to believe the turn of events that had unfolded. Mum, Tia, Suzy, and I then moved from the bar to a booth in the all-you-can-eat buffet inside the Planet Hollywood casino. All-I-could-eat would be the best thing to happen so far that day. I could hear another glass of red wine calling my name. No, scratch that. Not just a glass. A whole bottle wasn’t even going to be enough to blot out my botched wedding day. At that rate, the only intimate relationship I was going to have on my wedding day would be with Mr Zinfandel or Mr Merlot. Did they do all-you-can-drink here, too?

Hacker walked in first, wearing a baseball cap low on his face, a loud Hawaiian shirt, khaki shorts, and sunglasses. His laptop was tucked under one arm. Brad and Dad followed. I balked at his very un-Hacker-like clothes and waved them over to our circular booth.

Brad sat on the end next to me and put his arm around my shoulder, kissing me on the cheek. ‘How are you?’

‘Fed up.’ I pouted. ‘We should be married by now.’

He ran his fingertips up and down my spine. Hot pulses flashed through me, almost making me forget the horrible afternoon. Almost.

‘Yo,’ Hacker said, his familiar greeting he used for hello and goodbye.

‘Yo-yo,’ I said to him. I always liked to save time by saying them both together.

‘Where’s Elvis?’ Suzy craned her neck. ‘Is he OK?’

‘He’s outside, calling Dana’s friends in England to see if they’ve heard from her,’ Dad said.

‘Why are you wearing a cap and shades and those really weird clothes?’ Tia asked Hacker, which was ironic coming from the queen of weird clothes, who had changed from her bridesmaid dress into a bright orange-and-red-striped top and glaring lime-green shorts.

‘I’m in disguise. I’m sick of people accosting me thinking I’m Snoop Dogg.’

‘So, go on, then,’ I said. ‘Tell us what happened to Dana.’

‘We visited all the dancers who work at Polesque, but none of them have seen her,’ Brad said. ‘They all told us Ivan’s men had been to see them this morning looking for her, too, and they also said Ivan had connections and shouldn’t be messed with.’

‘What kind of connections?’ Mum gasped. ‘Not the mob?’

I’d been involved in a case for Hi-Tec once that involved two mob goons constantly on my tail. I didn’t particularly want to repeat the experience, thank you very much.

Brad shrugged. ‘They didn’t elaborate. The girls who were working last night said they didn’t notice anything odd except that Dana left the club earlier than usual. Dana was onstage, pole dancing, and also doing table dances and working in the group VIP room and the private VIP rooms last night.’

I pulled a face. ‘Ew. What goes on in those?’

‘Depends on the club,’ Dad said.

‘How do you know?’ Mum asked.

Dad shrugged.

‘What, do they do extras?’ Mum asked.

Before Dad could answer, I asked, ‘Did they say anything else?’

Brad shook his head. ‘No. None of them said they saw anything strange, and they didn’t see Dana take anything. They all said she was really sweet, but they didn’t know her that well. There’s not that much time for talking at work—they’re too busy touting for dances. That’s how they earn most of their money.’

‘Should we really be getting involved in this?’ Suzy said as Hacker turned on his laptop, which rested on the edge of the table. ‘I mean, how do we know Dana isn’t a drug dealer or some other type of criminal? Didn’t you two only meet her once at Tyler’s funeral?’ She glanced between Hacker and Brad.

I’d been a police officer for seventeen years before I became an insurance investigator, so I’d amassed a wealth of knowledge in following my gut hunches and reading body language. Although I’d never met Dana myself, my instinct was pretty certain that Elvis was just a regular guy who was worried sick about his sister and who didn’t deserve to get shot at. Had she really stolen something? If so, maybe Ivan’s guys were right to be looking for her, although the shooting part was pretty excessive, which made me think something illegal or dodgy was going on.

I tried to make sense of Dana’s disappearance, but the spa was seriously calling my name. I’d need a week’s worth of massages to get rid of the tension in my shoulders. But as soon as I had that thought, I felt guilty. Elvis was in need of help and couldn’t go to the police for fear of what Dana might have done and in case Ivan’s guys returned to kill him or Dana. Surely, we couldn’t leave him stranded on his own when it was obvious he didn’t have a clue what to do next. And there was the guilt Brad felt. He owed Tyler’s family, so we didn’t really have a choice.

I hated to admit Suzy was right. ‘Look, you don’t really know Elvis that well, and like Suzy said, you only met Dana once,’ I said to Brad. ‘Shouldn’t we run a background check on both of them just in case? I mean, just because they’re Tyler’s family doesn’t mean they aren’t into something criminal.’

‘Yes, I suppose so.’ Brad looked at Hacker.

‘I’m on it.’ Hacker’s fingers whizzed across the keys.

‘What is Elvis’s real name?’ Suzy asked.

‘Why, are you interested in him?’ I cocked an eyebrow. ‘You seemed to be getting pretty cosy with his foot earlier.’

‘I was helping him!’

‘It’s Elvis,’ Brad said. ‘He legally changed his name years ago after he got into the whole themed-wedding thing. It used to be Drayn.’

‘Drain?’ Tia asked.

‘Spelt with a Y,’ Brad said.

‘No wonder he changed it.’ Mum raised her eyebrows. ‘Elvis suits him better.’

‘Maybe Elvis will have traced Dana by the time he comes in, and that will just be the end of it,’ Dad said. ‘And we can get back to…’ He glanced at Brad and me. ‘I don’t know. What are we going to do if you can’t find a chapel to marry you?’

I sat back against the booth, arms folded, lips in full-on pout mode, not wanting to even think about that possibility. ‘I don’t know.’

A waiter came over to take our drinks order. He was called Marlon and reminded me of Morgan Freeman. He had a really soothing, soft voice. Bless him. He was old and really sweet.

Hacker carried on typing away on his laptop, taking advantage of the free Wi-Fi.

‘OK, neither Elvis or Dana have any prior police records,’ Hacker said. ‘They don’t owe money to anyone, and I can’t see anything else suspicious coming up. I’m going to go through the local hospital and medical facilities’ records to see if Dana’s been admitted. She might’ve been involved in an accident. I’m also checking car-hire companies and airlines. Her driving license and passport were still in the house, so I doubt it will lead anywhere, but I want to cover everything we can.’

‘Good idea,’ I said. ‘But the fact that Ivan’s thugs said she’d stolen something bothers me.’

‘Elvis said that would be out of character for her,’ Brad said. ‘And the other dancers all agreed Dana seemed like a nice girl.’

Our drinks arrived, and I downed half of mine in one go. I stood up to get some food from the buffet but didn’t know where to start. There was an around-the-world theme going on, with dishes from China, India, the Middle East, USA, England, and Mexico. I grabbed a big plate and piled on some deep-fried prawns with garlic mayo, chicken chow mein, BBQ ribs, lamb curry, and mushroom rice, with a couple of vanilla and choc-chip muffins on the side in case I got peckish for a sweet treat in between courses. I eyed Brad’s bowl. He’d gone for a watery-looking soup.

He eyed my plate. ‘That is a disgusting concoction.’

I shrugged. It looked yummy to me. ‘Well, that looks like sewage water.’

‘It’s miso soup with kombu.’

‘Kombu? What’s that?’ I eyed some green stuff floating unappetisingly in the bowl.

‘Seaweed.’

‘It doesn’t look anything like that crispy seaweed we get in the Chinese restaurant.’

‘That’s because the seaweed there isn’t real seaweed. It’s just cabbage deep-fried in lots of oil and then sprinkled with sugar. This is the real deal. Packed full of vitamins and minerals.’

‘It looks yuck. Anyway, seaweed water isn’t going to fill you up.’

‘I’m pacing myself.’

‘Yep, me too. I was going to get four muffins, but I only got two.’

When we got back to the table, Hacker was still typing at warp speed.

‘Can you see in those sunglasses?’ I asked him.

‘Uh-huh.’ He carried on, deep in concentration.

I took a bite of chow mein. My taste buds shouted a woo-hoo!

Hacker eventually looked up from the laptop. ‘OK. Dana hasn’t been admitted to any medical facility in the surrounding area. She hasn’t hired a vehicle anywhere nearby, either, or booked a flight out.’

Elvis rushed in, frantically scanning the restaurant for us.

‘He doesn’t look like he’s got good news, either,’ I said as he spotted us and hurried over.

He sat down, breathless. He gulped in some air before he could get his words out. ‘Dana hasn’t been in contact with any of her friends from back in England.’ He ran a hand through his wobbly quiff wig, and it slipped to one side, revealing a patch of hair so blond it was almost white. It was in complete contrast to his black eyebrows. I wondered if he dyed them. ‘What am I going to do?’

‘Looks like she hasn’t been hospitalized or hired a car or jumped on a plane, either,’ Hacker explained.

Elvis grabbed my glass of wine and downed the rest of it in one go before I could grab it back. I opened my mouth to have a go at him but then thought maybe that would be mean, under the circumstances, so I called Marlon over and ordered more drinks instead.

‘I’ve got to find her.’ Elvis’s pleading eyes looked from me to Brad to Hacker. ‘She’s in trouble. Will you help me “Find Out What’s Happening”?’

I groaned inwardly. Actually, it was more than a groan. It was an invisible throwing myself on the floor, legs in the air, kicking-and-screaming four-year-old tantrum. How on earth had we managed to get mixed up in this?

Suzy, Mum, Tia, and Dad returned with their plates piled high. Suzy sat next to Elvis, the corners of her lips twitching. I think it was supposed to be a smile, but her facial muscles obviously weren’t used to it and were having trouble keeping up with the strain.

‘How’s your foot?’ Suzy asked.

‘My what?’ Elvis distractedly ran his hands through his wig again. It fell off and plopped onto the floor.

An elderly woman at the next table shrieked and pointed to the wig. ‘Rat! There’s a rat in here!’

The crowded restaurant stopped talking in unison and looked in the direction the woman was pointing at. Elvis quickly scooped up his wig and slapped it back on his head, back to front so the quiff was facing the wrong way. Not an ideal fashion statement, but under the circumstances, he could be forgiven.

The elderly woman glared at Elvis. ‘You could’ve given me a heart attack with that thing! You’re lucky I don’t sue for distress!’

Elvis leaned his elbows onto the table and flopped his head in his hands. ‘What if they’ve found her and killed her?’ he wailed.

Suzy put an arm around him. ‘Shhh, don’t cry. We’ll help you find Dana.’ It looked as if her own eyes were welling up.

I stared at her, open-mouthed. Emotional Suzy? This was another new one.

Hacker took a bite of food from the plate Tia had got him, without looking to see what it was, and continued typing.

‘Will you? Will you really help me?’ Elvis looked up at Suzy, blinking rapidly. His dark eyeliner had run down in streaks across his cheeks.

‘Of course,’ she said. And there it was: a full-blown, dazzling smile with teeth showing and everything. She looked really weird with that smile. Scary, actually.

Oh. My. God. Suzy fancied him! Yes! Way to go, Sweaty Elvis. Being in the midst of what could be a crime was hardly conducive to a nice holiday romance, but hey, it was the first bit of humanity I’d seen in Suzy for… well, forever.

I thought about having a go at her for making promises she couldn’t keep, but for once, I bit my lip—chewed on it, actually, because it was pretty damn hard to stop myself blurting stuff out. I felt sorry for Elvis. Plus, I was actually worried about what had happened to Dana. If stealing and then disappearing was completely out of character, something dodgy was definitely going on.

Suzy rubbed Elvis’s back. ‘If anyone can help you find her, it’s these people.’ She pointed to the rest of us. ‘You’ve got ex-police officers and ex-SAS soldiers on your side.’

Wow. Usually, she was having a go at me for chasing criminals.

‘And me—don’t forget me!’ Mum said.

‘What are you?’ I asked her.

‘Wonder Woman,’ she said.

‘I’m Wonder Woman!’ When she helped out on my last investigation, I kept telling her that. I told her I had the knickers and everything, but she wouldn’t listen. I even had a little dressing-up outfit with a gold headband and gold gloves, although it was so revealing it was definitely bedroom-wear only. I’d left the Wonder Woman knickers at home this time, though, because I didn’t think I’d need their special powers. How wrong was I?

‘And I’m Penelope Pitstop.’ Tia held out her hand to Elvis. ‘Pleased to meet you.’

Thank God, Marlon arrived with more wine before I could start bashing my head repeatedly on the table. ‘Did Dana mention anything criminal that was going on at the club that she might’ve been mixed up in?’ I asked.

Elvis shook his head wildly. ‘No. Never.’

‘I can think of three possibilities off the top of my head,’ Brad said. ‘Money laundering, drugs, or trafficked girls.’

‘According to the employment records, all the girls are American citizens,’ Hacker said. ‘It’s not like the place is a brothel, so I doubt trafficking is involved.’

‘So, that leaves the other two,’ Dad said.

‘I should’ve asked her more about the club,’ Elvis said. ‘It’s just that we’ve been ships passing in the night since she started working there, and we haven’t had any time to have a decent conversation.’

We carried on eating for a while with Hacker glued to his laptop.

‘I’ve found something interesting,’ Hacker said a little later, resting his fork on his plate. ‘I just got into Polesque’s surveillance cameras. They’ve got them all over the place in there. Even in the toilets.’

‘Ew, gross!’ Tia said.

‘Not the actual cubicles, but the sink areas.’ Hacker twisted the laptop round so that Brad, Dad, Elvis, and I could see. Suzy, Mum, and Tia craned their necks, trying to get a better look.

On screen were about eighteen small colour-video boxes tiled one on top of the other, each showing a different camera angle. There was a stage in what looked like the centre of the main club floor. It was T-shaped with a pole on the end of each corner. Two dancers were doing things around them that didn’t even look humanly possible. Other angles showed a long bar opposite the stage with a mirror that ran above the length of it. There was another room with less lighting. I couldn’t tell what colours the walls were painted, but booths dotted the edges and centre of the rooms with overstuffed black sofas and small tables in front. The booths provided a tiny bit of privacy for the guys sitting down enjoying lap dances on the screen. I guessed this was the group VIP room. Then there were some smaller, private rooms, also dimly lit, each with a different décor theme. A couple were empty, but one larger room had a group of guys who looked as though they were on a stag night. There were a couple of dancers with them, dressed in very skimpy outfits. One was drinking and flirting, and one was dancing for them. Hacker’s voice dragged my gaze away from the screen,

‘This is a live feed happening right now, but I’ve managed to look through the stored footage from the night Dana went missing. Check this out.’ Hacker pressed a button and the tiles disappeared and were replaced with new ones. He pointed at one camera shot. ‘This is Dana.’

The first video showed Dana on stage, wearing a silver bikini, finishing up a number that involved doing the splits on a pole. When it ended, she disappeared behind the curtain at the rear of the stage, and Hacker hit Play on the next clip. In this one, Dana walked through the dressing room, past girls in various stages of undress.

‘There’s a camera in the girls’ dressing area?’ I asked. ‘What a sleazebag Ivan is. Do you think they go completely naked in that club?’

‘No.’ Elvis shook his head. ‘But some clubs do. Some are just topless. Polesque is supposed to be a high-class gentleman’s club, not a strip club.’

‘Is that just a way of saying they want richer customers?’ Mum asked.

‘What, some clubs are completely naked?’ I asked, mouth open.

‘Some are,’ Suzy said. ‘But the actual gentleman’s clubs have proper dancers who keep their clothes on but just wear something sexy. They’re more tasteful, not sleazy. It’s the suggestion of sex that the men are paying for. Some dancers leave their underwear on, or wear bikinis. Some wear thongs and nipple tassels. So, they’re not actually naked. It’s just the same as being on the beach.’

‘Since when do you wear nipple tassels on the beach?’ My eyes widened. ‘And how do you know all that?’

‘I’ve been having lessons,’ she said smugly.

‘What? You’ve been having pole-dancing lessons?’ I gasped.

‘Yes.’ She sat upright.

‘Sexy dancing lessons?’ I needed to make sure I clarified this with absolute certainty. Ice Queen Suzy had been whipping her clothes off and shimmying her hips and jiggling nipple tassels in her spare time?

‘That’s what I said!’ She tossed her super-shiny, super-controllable hair over her shoulder. ‘People are trying to get it entered as an Olympic sport now. It’s no different than gymnastics.’

Tia giggled. ‘I’ve been having lessons, too,’ she said to Suzy. ‘They do them at the leisure centre.’

‘Me too,’ Mum piped up. ‘And I’ve been having burlesque lessons, as well.’

Dad grinned. ‘Yeah, I can vouch for that.’

Hacker winked at Tia. ‘Me too.’ Then he held up a hand in Mum’s direction. ‘I don’t mean vouch for you. Just Tia.’

‘How cool.’ Tia glanced between Mum and Suzy. ‘What day do you go on? I haven’t seen you there.’

‘Mondays,’ Mum said.

‘I go with Mum,’ Suzy said. ‘It’s all the rage. It’s the new yoga—didn’t you know?’ Suzy gave me a superior look.

Since exercise was a swear word to me, I’d obviously missed out on the local newsletter. I knew Tia had been having lessons because she kept going on about how much fun it was. But Mum and Suzy, too? That was a shocker.

‘Why didn’t you tell me you’d been having lessons?’ I asked Mum.

‘Well, I only started going to keep Suzy company, and Suzy didn’t want anyone to know. But then I really got into it, and it keeps you so fit. I’ve really toned up since I’ve been doing it. I’ve got a six-pack now. I haven’t had one of those since before you two were born.’

I blinked at her because I was momentarily lost for words, which didn’t happen often.

‘I found these amazing stars that go over your nipples at Lace in the mall.’ Mum leaned forward conspiratorially to Suzy and Tia. ‘You know, at my age, the tassels don’t cover as much as I want. But the stars are really good!’

‘Awesome,’ Tia said. ‘I got some nipple tassels on Ebay that are much better than the ones from Lace. And if you pole dance in a thong, you can get a bit of chafing sometimes, so I use aloe vera gel, which works wonders.’

‘I found better tit tape from a seller on Amazon,’ Suzy said. ‘It makes the tassels stay on longer.’

I didn’t even want to ask what tit tape was. It sounded bloody painful. I downed more wine. Wonders would never cease. This was turning into the most bizarre day I’d ever had in my life—and not in a good way.

‘Oooh, what’s the seller’s name?’ Tia asked. ‘I’m going to get some.’

‘Bootylicious,’ Suzy said.

Brad elbowed me, one eyebrow cocked, a sly smile on his face. ‘When are you going to take lessons?’

‘Can we get off nipple tassels and back to the CCTV cameras, please?’ I said, nodding at Hacker to start the next clip.

It showed Dana hastily exiting the dressing room and reappearing on another camera, hurrying down a dark corridor. There were doors leading off it on either side. In front of one of the doors on the left-hand side stood a huge guy, arms folded. There was a keypad entry system on the wall next to it.

‘That’s the one who shot me!’ Elvis said.

The guy wore a black suit, a white shirt, and a black bowtie, but even through all that material, I could see that his biceps, folded across his chest, were the size of watermelons. He had very short dark hair, pencil-thin eyebrows—as if he’d been plucking them—and a moustache that curled up at the edges à la Hercule Poirot.

On-screen, Dana smiled at Watermelon Arms and whispered in his ear.

‘Can we get any audio?’ Brad asked Hacker.

Hacker fiddled with a few buttons then rewound the clip. We watched Dana whispering again but couldn’t make out what she was saying as it was drowned out by the thudding of the music coming from the club floor.

Watermelon Arms shook his head at whatever Dana had said. Then there was what sounded like a commotion going on in the club, and we could hear shouting. Watermelon Arms glanced down the corridor in the direction Dana had just come from. He frowned for a fraction of a second and rushed off out of the frame.

Dana glanced after him quickly before punching a sequence of numbers on the keypad and opening the door. She disappeared inside.

‘Where’s she gone?’ Tia asked.

‘I don’t know,’ Hacker said. ‘There’s no camera in there. I think it’s probably Ivan’s office.’

We watched the closed door. A few minutes later, Dana opened it a fraction and looked up the still-empty corridor. Then she shut the door and ran back up the hallway. The next clip showed her hurrying through the dressing room, hastily pulling on capri trousers and a vest top that she’d got from inside one of the lockers, and leaving through a fire exit out the back. Hacker clicked the last clip, from an outside camera, which showed Dana running through the rear car park and disappearing onto the street.

‘Did you find any footage of what was happening in the club that the bouncer went to investigate?’ Dad asked.

‘Yeah.’ Hacker brought up another clip, which showed a group of very drunk college guys involved in a punch-up with each other. A few bouncers were trying to restrain them or haul them towards the door, but there were about fifteen drunks, and it looked like they’d needed reinforcement.

We watched Watermelon Arms appear from a corridor on the left-hand side of the stage and rush into the action.

I dipped a battered prawn in some mayo and munched on it, deep in thought.

‘What was Dana doing?’ Elvis asked.

‘Maybe those thugs were right,’ Brad said. ‘Maybe she did steal something from Ivan.’

‘No way. My “Little Sister” ain’t the “Devil in Disguise”. She’s a good girl.’ Elvis sat back. He grabbed my wine glass and emptied it again.

This time I did say something. ‘Hey, order your own!’ I grappled with him for my wine, which he finally relinquished when it was empty.

‘What about footage of Dana from earlier in the night? It might show us something helpful,’ Brad said.

Hacker carried on typing, eyes fixed on the screen.

‘What could she have stolen, though?’ Tia asked.

Elvis grabbed Suzy’s white-wine spritzer and started on that.

‘I bet a lot of money goes through that club each night,’ I said. ‘That would be worth stealing.’

‘Yes,’ Dad agreed. ‘Or there could be drugs involved like Brad said.’

‘Dana doesn’t do drugs. And I still can’t believe she stole something.’

‘OK, all the earlier footage from the night Dana vanished appears to be missing,’ Hacker said.

‘Missing?’ Tia asked. ‘What happened to it?’

Hacker shrugged. ‘It’s possible it was archived on a hard drive somewhere else that isn’t on their computer network. Or maybe the club deletes previous footage and just digitally records over it when they run out of storage space.’

‘Well, there’s only one way to find out what happened to her,’ Brad said.

‘What’s that?’ Mum asked.

‘We have to go to the club.’

‘We can’t just go around asking questions about Dana,’ I said. ‘Not unless we fancy getting shot at.’

‘I know. We need to go undercover.’

‘Undercover? Oh, goodie!’ Tia wiggled in her seat. ‘This is sooo exciting!’

‘No, it’s not,’ I said. ‘My wedding would be exciting. My after-wedding party would be exciting. My after-after-wedding party would be exciting. This could be dangerous.’

‘Well, you can’t get married now, anyway, so stop harping on about it,’ Suzy said.

I gave her a death stare. ‘Thanks for reminding me.’

‘Undercover how?’ Suzy asked, ignoring me. ‘What exactly are you talking about?’

‘Well.’ Brad leaned forward. ‘Dana is obviously missing. She didn’t take any personal documents or clothes with her, so either she was so scared she ran away straight from the club, or someone’s found her.’

A guttural noise sounded in Elvis’s throat. Suzy placed a hand on his and squeezed it.

‘I’m guessing it’s the first one, since Ivan’s guys were after her this morning,’ Brad carried on.

‘So, she’s probably hiding out somewhere she thinks is safe,’ I said. ‘Which, hopefully, is a good thing.’ I glanced at Elvis, whose face held a rigid, pained grimace as if he was about to have a heart attack.

‘If we can find out what she might’ve taken, we may have a better chance of finding her,’ Brad said.

‘So, what does that mean?’ Suzy asked. ‘What do we have to do?’

Brad shrugged. ‘Well, Dana was obviously involved in something that happened at the club, so it means us guys can go there, posing as customers, and see what we come up with.’

‘Good idea,’ I said. ‘And if you can pass for Snoop Dogg, you can get into the VIP room, too, and maybe get access to all kinds of things reserved for celebrities.’

‘I can be Poof Diddly,’ Dad said.

‘Who’s that?’ Mum asked.

‘Isn’t he a rapper?’ Dad glanced around the table.

‘I think you mean Puff Daddy.’ Tia hyena-laughed.

‘Or P Diddy or whatever he is this week,’ I said.

‘He’s black.’ Hacker looked at Dad. ‘And a lot younger than you.’

‘OK, I’ll be… what was that guy you said before? Big Dawgie?’

‘Lil Bow Wow,’ Tia said.

‘What does lil mean?’ Mum asked.

‘It’s slang for little,’ Hacker said.

‘We can be Snoop’s bodyguards,’ Brad said to Dad.

Brad had recently been involved in a spot of private bodyguarding that had ended up having deadly consequences and was the reason our previous Vegas wedding had been postponed. Can you see a pattern forming here?

‘You know what happened last time you were bodyguarding. I don’t want any more dead bodies or life-threatening injuries this time,’ I said. ‘And anyway, won’t the dancers you spoke to recognise you from earlier when you were asking about Dana?’

‘Well, Hacker stayed in the car because he didn’t want to be mistaken for Snoop. Your dad can disguise himself by dressing up like a rapper wannabe, and I can wear a hat and shades,’ Brad said. ‘I think you girls should try to get hired as dancers and poke around behind the scenes.’

‘It says on their website they’re urgently looking for temporary dancers because there are so many high-profile events and conventions going on over the next few weeks,’ Hacker said. ‘Looks like there’s a high turnover of girls, according to their employment records.’

‘Is that because they all get shot, though?’ I asked. ‘And I don’t think I want to get my nipples out in public, thanks all the same.’ I’d done some bizarre things to solve cases before, but this was a new one.

‘You don’t have to,’ Mum said. ‘You can borrow my stars.’

‘Great!’ I muttered. ‘Just what I had planned this week. I was only thinking this morning about borrowing nipple stars off my own mum to flash at perfect strangers.’

‘It could be fun!’ Mum said, eyes lighting up. ‘I’ve got a sexy schoolgirl outfit I could wear.’

I rolled my eyes.

‘I’ve got a Penelope Pitstop outfit!’ Tia said.

‘What’s a Penelope Pitstop outfit?’ I asked her although I dreaded to think.

‘Don’t you remember it from the TV? This one’s a bit sexier, though. It’s a short pink A-line dress made out of netting. And I’ve got these really soft cute gloves that go past my elbows, and a little pink cap, and some plastic goggles.’

‘Goggles?’ I said. ‘They’re not sexy.’

‘The white boots that go with it are,’ Hacker said without looking up from the laptop screen.

Oh, God. So far on this holiday I’d had the worst and weirdest two days of my life. A Pepto Bismol Pitstop and a schoolgirl old enough to be a headmistress was all I needed to top it off.

‘It also says here they’re auditioning for dancers this afternoon,’ Hacker said.

This time, Suzy grabbed my wine, since hers was now empty, and downed the rest of it. She slapped the glass back down with a loud chink. ‘I’m game!’

‘Me too!’ Tia squealed.

‘And me!’ Mum said. ‘There’s a big demand for Grannyesque, you know.’

‘Grannyesque?’ I said.

‘Yes. It’s like granny porn,’ she said. ‘Except there’s no porn.’

‘Do not tell me how you know about that!’

‘Actually, she’s right,’ Hacker said. ‘Polesque’s website has several mature dancers to cater to their older clientele. It’s a niche market, apparently.’

‘See, I told you,’ Mum said. ‘I’m a MILF.’

I almost choked.

‘Mum!’ Suzy shrieked.

‘What? It stands for a Mother who Is Lots of Fun!’

‘No, it doesn’t,’ Dad said.

‘Well, what does it mean, then?’ Mum asked.

Brad’s lip quirked up as he tried not to laugh.

‘Well, everyone says I don’t look my age, anyway,’ Mum said proudly, running a hand through her hair.

Brad turned to me. ‘What do you think?’

I glanced around the table. Mum and Tia were beaming from ear to ear. Suzy had the teeth smile going on again.

Elvis looked at me pleadingly. ‘It might be the only way we can find out what’s happened to Dana, and time is of the essence. We have to get to her before Ivan’s guys try to kill her.’

I threw my hands in the air. ‘OK.’ I couldn’t be outdone by Suzy and her tit tape. No way.