When it comes to having sex or making out, it’s important to create a space that is welcoming to love. Small changes in your environment will heighten your mood, help you relax when you’re in your home, and set the scene for the big O. To begin this process, work on reducing the amount of clutter in your home. Coming home to a stack of bills on the kitchen table and then tripping over dirty laundry and toys won’t help you get in the mood. And, even if you do manage to get in the mood, you’re likely to have trouble focusing on lovemaking when there’s an insurmountable to-do list surrounding you.
So, if there’s clutter peeking out from the cabinets and your surfaces are buried in papers and other items, it’s time for a spring cleaning, even if it’s the middle of November. If tidying your entire house feels too daunting, then just focus on the bedroom so you can have at least one sanctuary to retreat to. Remove misplaced items from surfaces, floor spaces, and closets and help them find a home. Put anything that is still usable but that you don’t personally use or want into a box to donate, and remove excess furniture to make rooms feel more open. Then, clean. When you’re done with this, your living space will feel fresh and inviting and help you to be more in the mood for something special to happen.
Even if you’re doubtful about your interior decorating skills and are skeptical about Feng Shui, you can still utilize the traditional Chinese tool as a way to improve the flow of your home and the rooms within it. Feng Shui means “wind water” and is an ancient Chinese art and science that influences the direction of energy known as qi (pronounced “chee”) within a space. The flow of the qi depends on the design of a building as well as the arrangement of objects within it. Whether or not you believe this is possible, some classic Feng Shui tips can help rooms—especially your bedroom—feel more inviting. Here are some easy and inexpensive ways to improve your bedroom that may help you to have a more powerful orgasm.
1. Remove plants, office equipment, exercise equipment, and the television from your bedroom.
2. Remove photos of friends and family as well as anything you’re still holding onto that relates to former lovers from your bedroom. Do you really want your mother watching you make love? I’ll let you answer that one.
3. As often as you can, keep your windows ajar to keep the air circulating.
4. Display only positive images and those that inspire love within your bedroom. Sorry, but that means your Slayer poster has to be moved to another room.
5. Position your bed so it is approachable from both sides and sits as far away from the door as possible. Avoid having the foot of it directly facing any door, including that of your closet.
6. Place nightstands on either side of the bed.
7. Remove objects from underneath the bed.
8. Give your bed a headboard. Even if it’s one that’s just painted onto the wall.
9. Place something that will make you smile directly in line with where you stand when you open the door so that every time you enter the bedroom, it will bring a smile to your face.
Your bedroom is where two things should happen: sex and sleep. And, on occasion, breakfast in bed. It shouldn’t be your second office, home gym, or where you watch television until you zonk out. Bringing those activities into the bedroom can make it harder for you to sleep peaceably and for lovemaking to happen. But by dedicating the space to these two activities and thus training your brain to associate only those activities with it, you’ll know that whenever you’re in the bedroom, it’s to engage in one of two acts. To keep your bedroom a place where you go to get away from it all, do your best to not bring work into the bedroom or use the surfaces in the room to pile up things that have to be taken care of. If you have a walk-in closet, use that as your dressing area. Of course, depending on your living situation—for instance, if you live in a studio apartment or dorm—it may not be possible to devote your bedroom solely to these two activities. If that is the case, section off an area where you engage in other things with the help of a curtain, bookcase, or screen.
To set the mood, sometimes you need a little mood music. Go through your music library and pull together a playlist of songs that will enhance future lovemaking moments. If you’re feeling stuck or aren’t familiar with today’s popular bands, sign up for Pandora or Spotify. Both services have a free option and can be used as tools to expand your musical knowledge. Just plug in the name of a band you do like and they will present you with a radio station based on that artist as well as a list of related artists.
I recommend that you put together a few playlists, as sometimes you’ll probably want a slow, romantic night and sometimes you’ll want to tear your lover’s clothes off and drag him into the bedroom. If you prefer CDs or vinyl to the compressed sound of digital recordings, then burn a CD or put together a stack of LPs that would be perfect for each occasion and place them by the CD or record player so you don’t have to fumble for them when you’re on your way to a great orgasm.
Mood music is important when it comes to setting the scene and pace for lovemaking, but mood lighting is critical to creating a sensual space. Unfortunately, we tend to think about lighting a room from a utilitarian perspective. We think about what light fixtures will create the most light in a room, not what type of light to create.
When trying to create a cozy, comfortable space, stay away from bright ceiling lights, as these can make whomever is on the bottom feel as if they are being interrogated mid-coitus. Instead, purchase lamps that create tantalizing shadows across your body. If you still need bright lamps to read or dress by, place these on the nightstands so you can turn them off without having to get out of bed in case the mood changes from relaxation to play. To help this to happen, I encourage you to keep at least one sexually stimulating book within reach of the bed. Even a discreet one—like the erotic tales by Anaïs Nin—will do the trick when you want to encourage yourself or your partner to get in the mood.
Candles are one of the most sensual types of lighting you can employ. They come in all shapes and sizes, from small tea lights to enormous pillars, and are available in a variety of scents. If you are going to use scented candles, select ones that give just a hint of aroma to the room so you don’t overpower the nose of you or your lover. Here are some scents that scientists have found to be effective at improving blood flow to the penis and causing arousal:
• Cinnamon
• Vanilla
• The combination of jasmine and rose
• Lavender
• Pumpkin pie
Of course, never leave an unattended candle burning. You want to light the flames of love, not burn the house down, so make sure to snuff out the flames before curling up into your lover’s arms for some zzz’s.
Are you still using your old college sheets? If you’re no longer in college and they’re still in good condition, it’s time to clean these with color-safe bleach and promptly donate them. The goal is to achieve amazing orgasm after orgasm, and as the primary space for this activity is your bed, it’s important to outfit it properly with a quality mattress and luxurious sheets. Think about it: If you wanted to excel at running, you wouldn’t train in your flip-flops, so stop having sex on uncomfortable sheets.
When replacing your old standbys, opt for something that feels sensual to the touch. Silk and satin are classic sexy options, but they’re also not the most practical. They’re difficult to keep clean and while they are easy to move around on top of, you might find they’re a little too slippery. Instead, try Egyptian cotton sheets. Not only are they durable, they’re also easy to wash and last longer. Select colors that complement your skin tone or your eyes so you look even more ravishing when you’re lying on them. Oh, and don’t feel you need to throw umpteen pillows on the bed to make it look cozy. They’ll just be more things to move out of the way when you want to start fooling around.
Color can have a profound impact on your mood, your ability to relax, your energy level, and your orgasm. Here’s a brief rundown on what psychological effects different hues can have so you can select the one that is best for your bedroom needs.
1. Red—Shades of red stimulate the senses, but can heighten energy levels and make it difficult to fall asleep.
2. Blues and Greens—These colors cause us to feel calm and at peace. They’re a great choice for the bedroom, though they may make some feel a little too relaxed.
3. Browns—This earth tone inspires coziness and connection with others.
4. Greys—As a psychologically neutral color, grey can inspire sensuality or it can dampen the mood.
If you’re not up for repainting, you can also introduce splotches of color by reupholstering a chair, purchasing a rug, or replacing your old comforter cover with one in a new shade.
If you’re anticipating or planning a special night, take the time to not only transform your bedroom, but also to make the pathway leading to it a little more fun so your partner knows that something extra exciting is coming their way. Have that playlist you created a few tips ago playing softly when your partner arrives. Have a glass of wine or champagne waiting for each of you in the bedroom and leave a sex toy or two within view. (A tip for my male readers: Buy a small bouquet of roses and use it to sprinkle rose petals all the way down the hallway and onto the bed. It’s an inexpensive touch that will absolutely be noticed.) If you tap into what your significant other finds romantic when you’re picking out elements for the rendezvous ahead, you’re sure to help each other down the path toward a great orgasm and a memorable night.
You’ve worked hard to transform your home and bedroom into an inviting, sensual sanctuary. Make sure to take the time to appreciate it. Use the tools I’ve taught you to really take it all in. Smell the scents. Fall in love with the color and the cozy, comforting aesthetic. Run your hands over the new sheets. Then make a date with your partner—or yourself!—to really enjoy your new surroundings.
Unless the type of sexual relationship you are currently looking for involves a one-night stand or a friend with benefits, it will absolutely help your sex life to work toward developing a deeper level of intimacy—or closeness—with your partner. Doing so will help you to feel much more at ease in the bedroom and more open to confessing your desires to your partner. It will also help you feel more comfortable leading them down the right path when they’re not performing quite to your orgasmic satisfaction. Start by asking your partner what he considers intimacy to be—is it strictly a level of comfort, or something more? His answer could surprise you.
One key aspect to feeling close with your partner—which can raise your oxytocin levels, and with them, the powerfulness of your orgasm—is to feel as if you two are communicating well. As you probably know, just because there are seemingly countless ways to communicate with your partner—to name just a few, there’s texting, e-mail, online chat, Skype, Facebook, Twitter … and actually calling one another—that doesn’t mean you’re communicating well. If you find you have a habit of not actually listening to your partner but rather waiting to speak or letting them talk as you engage in another activity (checking in on Foursquare, perhaps?), one important step toward building intimacy in your relationship is by actively listening. This means that you are not just hearing what they have to say but listening to the content of their speech and responding to what they just said in kind. It seems simple, but this can help your partner feel heard, appreciated, and loved, all those good things that you want them to feel, but you just haven’t known how to do.
Active listening can also be helpful when you’re in a disagreement with your partner. Here are some tools you can use during a fight so you can get back to the fun stuff. You know, the make-up sex. Here’s what to do. During a fight—or when you need to bring something to your partner’s attention that you know they’re not going to want to hear (especially if it’s some part of them that you want them to change)—try to begin your sentences with “I feel” rather than “You.” Doing so helps put your partner more at ease, or at least less on the defensive. Also, try to stay away from exaggerating words such as “always” or “never.” Think about it—how would you feel if someone said to you, “You never do X” or “You always do Y”? Your immediate response is to say, “No, I don’t!” instead of listening to try and understand what they’re trying to convey to you.
If you’re listening to your partner and keeping in mind the use of your “You” and exaggerative statements but your partner still doesn’t feel heard, here’s one more thing you can try. When they finish their thought, say something akin to “What you are saying is … ” and then relay the message you heard to make sure that you are understanding each other.
Hopefully these tips will help you and your partner communicate easier and with greater understanding and empathy, which will all pay off later … in the bedroom!
Another important way to build intimacy is by gazing—not staring psycho killer–like—into your partner’s eyes. After all, the eyes are supposedly the windows to the soul. But did you also know that when a woman that a man is attracted to looks directly into his eyes, it causes his brain to release the pleasure-causing chemical dopamine? That means if he’s into you, you shouldn’t be shy about holding his stare, as the result is he’ll feel more connected to you. And with connection comes more oxytocin and with that, you guessed it, a better orgasm.
If you feel too vulnerable when you’re looking into his eyes, or just plain weird, that’s okay. But it’s important to give it a try when you’re with a partner that you trust or to address the underlying issues of why you feel uncomfortable with this type of intimate connection.
Romance isn’t all grand gestures. It’s not all walks on the beach and dinners by candlelight. It’s the little things. The unexpected, thoughtful things that make your partner feel cared for. Plus, with those smaller gestures, the mood tends to be more relaxed so both of you have a chance to take the spirit of romance behind closed doors when the moment strikes. Here are a few ideas to get you started: Cook a meal for your partner after a long day at work or with the kids. Leave a love note on your partner’s car. Surprise your lover with flowers and a lunch in the morning if you know he or she is going to have a busy day. Take your partner to a sporting event to see a favorite team. Grab and hold your partner’s hand when you’re at the dinner table. Give a big, close hug every time you see your partner. When you act selflessly and unexpectedly, your partner is likely to really appreciate it, and you’ll see the payoff in the bedroom.
One unique way to build intimacy is through not speaking. If you’re someone who finds it difficult not to talk, this exercise is especially great, as you’ll have to learn to be comfortable with not filling the room with conversation. But for any couple, this exercise is a fantastic way to get to know your partner just by watching their body language. Together, pick a day (or even just a few hours) during which you two will agree to be silent. This also means you’re not permitted to e-mail, text, or write notes to each other on paper. However, looking, laughing, and definitely touching each other are all permitted. When the designated time for the completion of the word fast has been reached, discuss what the experience of being silent was like for you. Did you enjoy it? Hate it? Did either of you learn anything that you want to integrate into your relationship?
In new relationships or in relationships where sex has become routine and dull, it can be difficult to find the words to express your sexual desires to your lover. But, while it’s important to pick your battles—this is one worth picking! Your sexual happiness is important. And as most men love to please, having the confidence to tell them how they can better pleasure you is a win-win for both of you. As long as you do it with tact and aplomb and don’t bark orders at the poor guy, he’ll likely be enthusiastic to adjust his style. Just make sure to reward him by letting him know how good his new movements feel when he does. And who knows? Maybe he was hoping you would break the ice so you two could get out of your rut or so he could suggest something fun in the bedroom, too!
In her book Forty Beads, Carolyn Evans suggests that couples keep a jar next to the bed. If the man tries to make a move and the woman declines, the man puts a bead in the jar and the woman must be ready to have sex with him within the next twenty-four hours. When the deed is done, the bead is removed. Uh-huh. (For the record, putting time limits or bargaining elements on sexual activities is not fair, kind, or considerate. It puts undue pressure on your partner and can breed resentment. Besides, don’t you want to engage in sex with someone who is willing and interested?)
How about this twist instead? Place a jar next to your bed and find fun objects—wine corks, keys, marbles, etc.—and every time you want to do something nice between the sheets for your partner, you put that object in the jar. This signifies to your partner that sometime within the next twenty-four hours you’re going to pleasure them in any way they desire in the bedroom. The knowledge that you’re going to jump their bones and give them an amazing orgasm will certainly heighten their anticipation for the moment to arrive.
Communicating what you want in bed is one thing. Letting your partner know whether or not they’re doing it right is another. While moans communicate to your partner that you’re feeling pleasure, sometimes it takes a little more than nonverbal communication to fully explain your needs. After all, your partner doesn’t live inside your body and can’t possibly know exactly how you like to be touched unless you show or tell them. When you give feedback, be constructive. Let him know if you’d like it “a little to the left,” or move him where you need him by using your hands. Or, if you’re feeling dry, tell him, “I think we need more lube.” Just also make sure to throw in compliments such as, “Wow, that feels incredible!” when he hits the sweet spot. By being clearer about how he’s pleasuring you, you’re more likely to develop a deeper sexual connection with him and you’re more likely to hit the big O.
The same goes for him. If you sense that he’s shy about sharing his desires and giving feedback in the bedroom, encourage him to open up by asking him to take your hand and show you how he likes to touch himself. Or as you’re going down on him or manually stimulating him, pause every so often to ask him questions such as, “Do you like it like this or would you prefer your (insert your preferred name for his male organ here) touched softer/rougher/differently?” As long as you indicate that you’re interested in pleasuring him as well, he’ll likely start to open up and become less shy about letting you know how he can best reach orgasm.
No, this doesn’t mean you have to confess that you mooned everyone on the highway after too many martinis at your friend’s bachelorette party or that you gave your college boyfriend a blow job in the parking lot. It means that you need to be honest about your sexual history and open about any sexually transmitted infections you might have so that you and your partner can take the necessary precautions and be smart about sex. If you’re thinking about having sex together, here are some questions you might want to ask to ensure your sexual escapades begin smoothly. And having peace of mind will only help you have a great orgasm.
• Do you have any STIs that you are aware of?
• When was the last time you were tested for STIs? What did they find?
• What kind of sexual activity have you had since you were last tested? Did you use protection? Were bodily fluids exchanged?
If you and your partner are not 100 percent sure whether or not you have an STI, you should make sure to use condoms to protect yourselves. That said, some STIs, such as herpes, can be transmitted even if no bodily fluids are exchanged, which is all the more reason to make sure you are both tested. If you don’t have easy access to a doctor, go to your local Planned Parenthood clinic. They should be able to perform a blood test for you at a reduced cost.
I don’t want to alarm you, but there are estimated to be 65 million people in America living with STIs. And, for instance, did you know that 35 percent of people who have herpes don’t even know it, and 75 percent of women who have chlamydia don’t know it? So, be smart. Before you have sex with a new partner, make sure both of you are tested. And if it’s been less than three months since one of you has had another sexual partner, be sure to use condoms until you’re tested at the three-month mark, as some STIs can take time to register positive.
There are a wide variety of options to help you have safe sex. From products that cover the penis to those that surround the finger to those that drape over female genitals, there is something on the market that is designed to prevent direct contact between the sex organs and thus prevent the transmission of STIs and, in some cases, pregnancy. A condom is essentially a protective sheath that rolls down the penis and catches the ejaculatory fluid, or come. Condoms come in various materials, but latex condoms are the most durable and, when used properly, are able to protect an uninfected partner from HIV and pregnancy. If you are allergic to latex, use a polyurethane condom in its place. Female condoms that fit inside the vagina are also available, though they are still not commonly used. Dental dams are square pieces of latex that cover the female’s genitals when her partner is performing oral sex. Finger cots, or condoms for a single finger, are particularly useful for anal stimulation or playing with the genitals.
When you’re putting on your protective gear, make it a sensual experience in and of itself. When he’s ready to be inside you, take the condom in your hands and roll it onto his penis as he’s running his hands all over your naked body. Or, if he prefers to put it on, kiss, lick, and touch other parts of him to help him stay aroused. Just because you’re being safe doesn’t mean you have to be boring!
During this intimate time, you may feel very close to your partner—women’s bodies release feel-good chemicals that bond them to their partner just after orgasm—and that the lovemaking has strengthened a bond between the two of you. Indulge in this sensation if it feels right instead of shying away into a less intimate space because of fear. However, if you and your partner were really just in it for a quickie, a tender kiss and a few sweet words should suffice.
And if you’re looking for another romp, that’s great—just keep in mind that at first you need to be gentle with your partner’s genitals. Following an orgasm, the clitoris and penis are very sensitive, and your partner may even shy away from your touch. After a certain period of time (which depends on your partner), your partner might be ready to go again, but you need to be patient. While you’re waiting, touch and kiss your partner’s other erogenous zones to try to rebuild sexual arousal.
As you create intimacy within your romantic life with the help of the tips I’ve suggested, keep in mind that some people have a fear of intimacy. This fear may stem from a history of being rejected, betrayed, or abandoned in nonromantic or romantic relationships. Or it could result from them being inexperienced in the bedroom, feeling less than confident about their body image, or having a fear of losing their identity within the relationship. Depending on your partner’s history, certain events may trigger the fear of intimacy within him. For instance, you may find that although you know he cares for you, he pulls away during the afterglow or that he has a difficult time holding your gaze.
If you begin to see signs of this fear and if this relationship is important to you, you may want to consider couple’s counseling or suggest your partner seek counseling on their own to work through their issues so you two can build a healthy romantic life together. If their fear of intimacy is relatively mild, letting them know and showing them that you can be trusted should help assuage their fear over time.