For the past few tips, we’ve been exploring ways you and your partner can keep your sex life hot when one of you isn’t nearby. But, since (or at least we hope) your partner is more likely to be around than not, let’s refocus our efforts on how to really make your sex life bloom in the presence of each other. One of the most important things you can do to help improve your orgasm and your sex life in general is to not skip foreplay. While it’s okay to cut right to the chase once in a while and enjoy that quickie while dinner is in the oven, cutting foreplay out most of time isn’t a good idea. That’s because foreplay, which involves kissing, fondling, and oral sex, is not only fun, it also brings you and your partner closer together because it allows you to really explore each other’s bodies with less of a focus on getting to the orgasm. And that’s a good thing when it comes to reaching climax, because the sexual tension that builds during foreplay can lead to a more intense release when that part of the night arrives. Interested in how to improve your foreplay skills? Read on for tips!
Kissing is one of the most integral parts of foreplay—and of sex. It can be a very intimate way to connect with your partner, and there are all sorts of different styles of kissing—from the quick peck on the lips to the deep, passionate kiss that takes your breath away. The latter kiss is commonly known as the French kiss (or, as the French would say, baiser avec la langue).
It’s the type of kiss that is the most satisfying, but it’s also the type that most struggle with getting right. I bet you’ve come across some pretty terrible kissers. But if you might be one of those who needs a few pointers, here are some tips. Pay attention to how open your mouth is and how much of your tongue you’re trying to put into your partner’s mouth. Ideally, it’s best not to come at your partner like a frog chasing a fly or like a dog gently licking its paw. In other words, don’t try to shove your tongue down your partner’s throat, don’t try to move your tongue as fast as possible, and don’t barely open your mouth so he can’t get his tongue in. You may think you’re being ladylike by doing the latter, but it’s just plain annoying and a definite mood killer. And please, keep the excess saliva to a minimum.
If you and your partner are compatible kissers, you’re likely to get pretty turned on the more you kiss. This could eventually lead to more fun things like nibbling, biting, and everything else in the sexual canon.
But it doesn’t just stop at the mouth. Make sure to explore your partner’s body with your kisses—from the backs of his knees to his stomach to the side of his neck—and as you electrify his erogenous zones, you’ll be sure to elicit a positive response.
In the most passionate kisses, the male passes sex drive–enhancing testosterone to the female, which causes things to get more hot and heavy, which leads to more kissing, which … I think you know where this is going. Evolution for the win!
Breath can be a powerful turn-on. When your lover feels your hot breath on their neck, inner thighs, or other erogenous zones, this can heighten their sexual desire. Similarly, you can use your cold breath on places you’ve just kissed or licked on their body to produce an exhilarating zing. Vary it up to discover what turns your lover on the most. A well-placed puff of air can lead to a pretty breathtaking orgasm, or at the very least, put some wind in your sails to get you there!
It sounds kind of crazy, but the tingling feel of hot breath on your body can make you orgasm quicker than actual flesh on flesh, because it’s the anticipation of touch that’s getting you going. In the movie 40 Days and 40 Nights, Josh Hartnett’s character gets a girl off simply by blowing a flower petal around her body, and without touching her once, he gives her an orgasm that “blows” her away. So brush those teeth and chew some gum tonight before bed, because your breath just might be the very thing to get the next orgasm going.
Though the idea of licking another human being might sound strange, I’m sure you know just how pleasurable it is. After all, most sexual acts probably sound pretty odd if you just consider their mechanics. For instance, if you said to someone, “I want you to put the thing you eat with on the thing I eat with, and then I want us to move our tongues around,” the likely response you’d get would be, “Um … why?” But that’s kissing! Tangent aside, licking your partner can be a very seductive act. I’m not suggesting you bathe him with your tongue (though he may very well enjoy that), but instead, as you are kissing his body with deep, open-mouth kisses, use your tongue to tease him a bit and give him goose bumps. To do so, try tracing a line on his body, say from the navel down to the pubic bone, with just the tip of your tongue to excite him. Then blow on that same space with your hot breath.
By doing this on various parts of his body—another idea to try is running your tongue from his wrist up to his armpit to see what sort of reaction that elicits—you’ll find what areas give him the most pleasure. Return to those. Again and again and again, until he’s so worked up that he can’t help but beg you to take things to the next level.
While most people prefer not to be bitten hard, your partner may love for you to playfully use your teeth in the bedroom. As you’re kissing or licking an area and you find that they seem to particularly enjoy it, try biting them gently. The response might just be “mmm.” Another way to incorporate biting is through kissing. As you’re engaged in a deep, intense kiss, pull away slightly. Run your tongue along his bottom lip and nibble it a little bit. More than likely, he’ll moan and pull you back in even stronger. For some people, the sensation of being bitten can even cause them to orgasm or get extremely close.
If he seems to be the type who enjoys you using your teeth, try a few of the rougher techniques I mentioned in “Brush Against the Neck” (Tip 22). Just always make sure to go slow with the pressure of your bite, as it’s easy to go from sexy to scary. If you’re going to turn up the heat with the biting, make sure to never break the skin, as the human mouth is full of bacteria that can lead to a nasty infection.
While gently nibbling on your partner won’t lead to any marks that last more than a few moments, you can accidentally give someone a hickey through biting play. So make sure your partner has a way to hide the telltale sign of passion if you’re going to get super into it.
Some of us think of scratching as just a way to satisfy an itch. But you can also bring scratching into foreplay as a great way to turn your partner on. Giving your partner a light, teasing scratch, or even a hard, deep one, can send good shivers throughout his body. And, while the back is ripe for scratching, other places on the body just beg for it. Start with the erogenous zones and then work your way across the body using varying degrees of pressure to see how your lover responds. Here’s one technique that might send tingles up your lover’s spine: Start at the wrist and scratch all the way up to the shoulder or the top of the neck. Then run your fingers through your partner’s hair—most men absolutely love it when you play with their scalp—and then kiss him all the way back down.
Another great time to scratch your partner is if you’re having sex or making out in the missionary position and you’re on the bottom. Run your nails up and down their back—starting light and increasing the pressure if they seem to enjoy it—to ramp up the passion of the moment.
Though you would totally get smacked in a bar for doing this to a stranger, pinching or aggressively grabbing your partner can boost desire and build sexual tension. To convey that “I’ve got to have you” feeling to your partner, use your fingers or your whole hand to grab onto and squeeze a fleshy part of your lover’s body, such as the area of the waist right above the hip or his butt. For added emphasis, lean over and whisper in his ear that you want him … or if you’re feeling particularly emboldened, tell him what you want to do to him when you get back home. Granted, at that rate, “back home” might be the nearest coat closet or back of the car.
Once you’re in private, great areas for either of you to pinch gently include the butt, the nipples, the clitoris, and the labia, while the arms, hips, butt, breasts, and an erect penis are prime grabbing ground. Experiment to find out if you prefer being the pincher or the pinchee.
While you’re busy kissing, licking, grabbing, and nibbling on your partner, here’s another technique to add to your repertoire: running your hands over your partner’s entire body. During foreplay or sex, part of the enjoyable sensation stems from having their skin pressed up against yours. But taking the intensity down for a moment and just allowing each other the space to caress each other’s body can heighten the level of sensuality in the act and lead to greater anticipation of what is coming next and the desire for orgasm. Also, the feeling of having someone run their fingers all across your body—or the fun of doing this for another—can be quite incredible because you never know where the caress is going to stop and what your partner is going to do next, thus helping you to reach a heightened state of arousal. One quick tip: If your partner has rough hands, ask them to use a little massage oil. Plus, that will help you two glide over each other more fluidly when you’ve finally reached the moment when the sexual tension can’t get any stronger.
Earlier in the book, I made mention of how having your feet played with can feel good and that sometimes having them touched can go beyond the point of being just relaxing to being a turn-on (Tip 34).
One way to begin arousing your partner by playing with his feet is by massaging them. This will help him acclimate to your touch in this sensitive area, especially if his feet are ticklish. Once he’s relaxed, ease up on the pressure and start using gentle strokes beginning just above the calf and working your way down to the toes. Scratch the top of his feet and grab them with a lusty, desiring touch. He may be so turned on by this point that he beckons you up somewhere just a bit higher on his body.
If not, if you’re up for it, try kissing his feet. You can start anywhere, but the Achilles tendon located on the back of the heel isn’t a bad place to begin. Kiss the top of the feet until you reach the toes. If you want to take this a step further by sucking on the toes, it’s generally a good idea to first ask your partner if that’s okay, as this may be a total turn-on or a complete turn-off. But for those who like it, this can be as arousing as having their fingers sucked, as it’s easy for him to mentally correlate having his digits sucked on with you sucking on another lengthy part of his anatomy.
Just as teasing yourself as you’re masturbating can create sexual tension and heighten your eventual orgasm, teasing your partner can have the same effect. Good teasing involves knowing how close you can bring your partner to a new level of excitement without pushing him over the edge. Teasing often involves touching or kissing the body and then withdrawing from the touch, and it can be particularly effective when used on the genitals. This can be done by touching the skin around the genitals and then, oops, accidentally touching them and then backing off again. Or you can try stimulating your partner’s genitals by touching them at irregular intervals. Bring your partner up to the point of excitement and then back off a few times and you’ll soon have your partner panting for more.
We’re all used to taking our clothes off. Unless you’re lucky enough to get laid every night, removing your clothes can be an unexciting activity that happens just before we get into the shower or into bed. But when someone else takes off our clothes, that small act can cause big excitement. To undress your partner seductively, try undoing his pants or shirt button by button, then planting kisses on the areas you’ve just exposed. Run your fingers through his chest hair or over his bare chest. Men have the habit of undressing themselves in the bedroom, as they just want to get to it, so if he starts to, gently stop him and begin undressing him instead. His impatience is likely to wane and be replaced with a desire to see what move you have planned next. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised that if he didn’t start with an erection when you began undressing him, he had one by the time you were finished.
Though it’s fun to be naked, it’s also fun to tease your partner and yourself, and one way to do that is by keeping your panties on. It can feel a bit naughty as your partner fumbles around inside your panties, searching for those spots that will make you shudder with delight, and that will help you experience quick bursts of desire as your partner’s hands trace over the part you really want touched. Plus, keeping your underwear on sends a signal that maybe you want foreplay to last a bit longer and you crave more touching of your entire body. That is, until your partner can’t take it anymore and has to feel what’s wrapped up down below.
But you can even try keeping your panties on during sex, as that can give the romp that “doing it before we get caught” kind of vibe that can add to the intensity.
You’re attracted to your partner, but face it, you need a little variety. And I don’t necessarily mean a new partner. At first, when you start sleeping with someone, seeing your partner naked is a definite turn-on. But after time, that feeling wears off, and the mere sight of them nude before you may no longer completely arouse you. To inject a little extra excitement into your sex life, keep these easy-to-find items near the place you usually make love (in case of boredom): sexy lingerie, scarves for tying up or blindfolding, and gloves. Donning these accessories—or having him do so—adds to the mood in the room, as you both know that they’re intended to incite pleasure in the other … and lead to all sorts of new experimentation in the bedroom.
When I was giving you tips on how to achieve an incredible orgasm while masturbating, I hope I made clear how important it was to fully give yourself to the experience and not hold back. Part of that involves making noise as you pleasure yourself and when you come. So, when you’re with your partner, don’t get shy. Your moans will not only turn your partner on, but they’re also the perfect indicators of when your partner is doing something you like and to keep doing it. Though you can also say, “Wow, that feels amazing!” (which is a nice ego boost), a simple “mmm” will probably do the trick. Also, if you’re moaning and moaning but then you suddenly stop, your partner might get the hint it’s time to try something new without you having to verbally express it.
That said, if you’re feeling like you’re focusing more on making noise than just enjoying your orgasm or the buildup to it, it’s okay not to make noise just for the sake of your partner. If you know he really loves hearing you, just explain that when you get quiet, that’s when you’ve lost your ability to speak because you’re so caught up in how good what he’s doing feels. I’m pretty sure he’ll understand.
For centuries, massage has been used as a preventive medicine and a way to soothe away the aches and pains of everyday life. The power of touch is crucial to human happiness, and massage is an effective way to alleviate stress, improve circulation, and even aid digestion. If your partner has had a long day or is craving a different kind of touch than the kind that often happens in the bedroom, offer a massage. Though it doesn’t seem like it would be much of a turn-on, using your hands to knead away those sore spots offers you a great opportunity to touch your partner all over, and your partner is sure to appreciate the attention. Plus, the sensual act of giving them a massage may relax them into being more ready for some action. After all, what man doesn’t want their sexy partner giving them a rubdown after a rough day?
The same techniques mentioned here can be used during any massage, but in erotic massage there is special attention paid to turning on your lover, not just relaxing him. To prepare, light a few candles and put on some soothing or sensual music. Instrumental music or world music in an unfamiliar language is ideal, as it is less distracting than music with lyrics you could sing along with. If you have massage oil, warm it by placing the bottle in a sink full of hot water. Just keep in mind that some oils may stain, so if you’re concerned about your sheets, put a towel down for your lover to lie upon. Then, follow these steps:
1. Have your partner lie face down on a flat, comfortable surface, preferably in a warm room, as it’s easier for the muscles to relax when you aren’t cold.
2. If you are going to use oil, pour about a teaspoon of it at a time into your hand and rub your hands together so the massage oil coats both palms.
3. Ask your partner which areas are sore or tight and request that your partner tells you during the massage if they’d like you to use more or less pressure on certain spots of their body.
4. Start with light, relaxing caresses, and as you work over your partner’s body, alternate between using your whole hand and just your fingertips. Bring both hands gently down on either side of the spine and with soft, broad strokes, glide from the top of the back down to the small of the back. Then glide your hands over the small of the back, over the hips. For the return stroke, pull your palms up the sides of the body, gliding underneath the armpits (being careful not to tickle) and across the shoulder blades to the base of the neck.
5. Gradually begin to extend the strokes to cover the butt, the sides of the hips, and the arms, then move down to the legs. Starting at the ankle, glide over the calf, across the back of the knee, up the hamstrings, and over the butt. Then continue all the way up the side of the back, over the shoulder, and down the arm on the same side. Repeat for the other side, eventually covering every inch of your lover’s body and adding oil to your hands as necessary.
6. Once you feel you have fully covered the back of the body, ask your partner to turn over so you can attend to the front. Begin with light caresses all over, and then put more oil onto your hands and place your hands at one of the ankles. Start the movement by gliding over the shin and across the top of the thigh and down the other side of the leg, all the way back to the ankle.
7. During this sensual massage, allow your fingers to come close to your lover’s genitals and even linger nearby, but don’t actually touch them. Build up some sexual tension between the two of you by gently caressing his inner thighs, where he’s going to be extremely sensitive and want you to go just a little further.
8. When his legs are fully relaxed, move on to the torso using gentle strokes around the tummy and up the sides.
By the time you’re done, he’ll be quite turned on and very relaxed and in the mood to make slow, sensual, passionate love … the type that’s likely to end with an intimate, synchronous orgasm.
Mutual massage is a very unique type of massage. It involves covering you and your lover’s bodies with oil and then using your whole body—not just your hands—to move against your lover’s with slow, sensual movements. It’s a full-body massage given with your whole body. For this, any vegetable oil will do, but olive oil and coconut oil feel great on the skin and are excellent moisturizers. Just be sure that whatever oil you choose to use is compatible with the birth control method you’ve chosen. During this experience, have fun exploring each other in this new way, letting every part of your body receive attention, not just your erogenous zones. By interacting with each other in this sensual way, you’ll find it could lead to a powerful, connecting orgasm.
Quickies are fun, but with all the multitasking you do in the rest of your life, it’s important to make time not just for having sex but also for making love. When you carve out the time (not just in your calendar but mentally as well), it’s a way to let your partner know that being intimate with them is very important to you. It also allows you both to try out new techniques and ideas for lovemaking that more rushed sex doesn’t allow for. This could easily result not just in a deeper closeness between the two of you, but also new ways to bring each other more intense orgasms than either of you ever thought possible.
Within most relationships, the guy is usually the sexual initiator. It’s pretty much hard-wired into their testosterone and the instincts they’ve developed during their evolution. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love it when the woman makes the first move in the bedroom. Taking the sexual initiative is a great way to show your partner that you’re interested in them sexually as well and not just having sex with them because they want to do the deed. And there’s nothing that can rev up someone’s desire like the feeling that their partner wants to pleasure them in all sorts of ways. Additionally, making the first move takes the pressure off of him to try and judge when you might be in the mood. So, especially if you’re the type of woman who often says no, reaching over and starting something with your guy will get him excited in no time.
Have you ever walked in on your partner masturbating? Was it a turn-on for you? If so, why not try it in the bedroom? There’s something very erotic about watching someone pleasure themselves, and it’s also a great learning experience. Watching your partner bring himself to—or close to—orgasm is a good way to learn what ways he likes to be touched. As he touches himself, feel free to join in and have him guide you so you can get the feel for the type of pressure and speed he enjoys. Or, if you’ve already gone through basic training, you can kiss and fondle your partner with your other hand at the same time. To heighten the experience, look into each other’s eyes or at each other’s genitals while you’re touching yourself to build some serious sexual tension.
Have you ever had a guy have sex with your breasts? For some women, this can be an incredibly arousing sensation, and it’s a great way to bring your guy to orgasm if you’re not in the mood for having intercourse. If, like many women, your breasts are particularly sensitive during or just before your period, this might be a good time to try it, as the added sensitivity could have the effect of bringing you to orgasm or very near to it.
The best position for this is for him to sit above your torso on his knees and lean forward so that his penis is positioned just below your breasts. If you have massage oil or some other type of lubrication, pour a little onto your breasts to decrease the friction, and then hold your breasts together so he can thrust back and forth between them. If this is new for the two of you, he may climax quickly, so make sure to direct him onto you, the sheets, or (as he may love) into your mouth.
Face it, we’re all animals. And sometimes, making love is just not going to satisfy us. When you’re feeling particularly horny and you sense your partner is in the mood, tap into those animal emotions and engage your passionate side. Kiss your lover deeply. Push your lover up against the wall and caress him. Tear off each other’s clothes. As the desire between the two of you builds, use noises like growling and moaning to express your desire as you scratch lightly and bite your lover’s skin. Allowing yourselves to get carried away in the moment and doing it wherever is convenient at that moment—bed, counter, top of the kitchen table—will lead to some great memories and some hot orgasms.
You might not consider yourself an artist, but you don’t have to know how to draw to have fun with body paint. Pick up a body painting kit at your local sex shop or purchase one online and let your imagination go wild. Use whatever colors you think complement your partner’s skin tone and have fun turning each other into visual masterpieces. Don’t worry about being realistic—working in the abstract is okay! Take special care when painting the genitals so you not only impress your partner with your artistic efforts, but also arouse him to the point where he desires to see what beautiful art can be made by pressing his body against yours. You may also find that getting in touch with your creative side in the bedroom will help make each of you a little more adventurous when it comes to trying out new sexual moves.
If you want to try spicing up your love life with some new characters but you don’t want to bring an actual third person into the mix, role-playing is a good way to add some variety to your sex life and bring some of your fantasies closer to reality. If you’ve always dreamed of doing your boss or your favorite musician or being the boss, musician, or possibly even the lead cheerleader, ask your partner to step into a role that would turn you on. After the two of you play out a fantasy of yours, you can switch positions and try out one of his role-playing fantasies, too. By pretending to be other people, it can help you both get the zing you could get by hooking up with someone new, but without the emotional complications.
Once you’ve come up with a role that you want to play—and possibly one that you want your partner to play as well—have fun getting the costumes for it. It’s like shopping for Halloween, but with a much sexier purpose in mind than the local parade or Halloween ball. Some higher-end sex shops and lingerie stores sell role-play–friendly costumes year-round, or you can make sure to pick up the sexier version of some classic fantasy roles (i.e., cop, teacher, fairy tale icon, etc.) near Halloween. And don’t forget the wig! The costume is critical to looking the part, but the wig is an added touch that will make it easier for you to slip into the role since you won’t quite resemble yourself when you look in the mirror. Now go remind him how he’s been a bad boy.
Most of us were born one sex or another—male or female. But just because you were born female, that doesn’t necessarily mean you identify with acting traditionally/stereotypically feminine. Perhaps you lean more to the masculine gender and prefer jeans and boots to skirts and heels, enjoy being in control, and are not afraid to take the initiative in the bedroom. If you were born male, perhaps you skew more feminine and prefer to indulge yourself in activities such as reading and you often find yourself attracted to strong women who take control. If you’ve never considered which gender you identify most with, it can be a great identity-building exercise for both you and your partner. Then, when it comes to sexual play, try on the costume of the other side of the equation for a change. If you’re used to leading and being in control, allow yourself to be vulnerable and surrender yourself to your partner. If you’re used to going with the flow, step up and take charge. By switching positions—figuratively and perhaps literally as well—you’ll spice up your sex life a bit … something that never hurts when you’re finding new ways to get each other excited.
There are literally hundreds of sexual fetishes out there—items, smells, sights, sounds, or situations that inexplicably turn someone on. It could be bare feet, the warm summer sun, the smell of leather, being dressed like a schoolgirl, or whatever. For some, their fetish is so strong that they cannot reach orgasm without being around it. But for others, these objects and experiences just make it easier for them to be aroused and for them to be in the mood to reach orgasm.
Many of these fetishes come from positive experiences that occurred during childhood that, in many instances, are too far back to remember. But, to begin to weave them into your sexual canon, break the ice by expressing your fetishes to your partner. Ask him if he’d be game for trying out a few. You might find out about a few of his and have a lot of fun together playing with this new knowledge.
The age of Polaroids and having to develop pictures has long passed, and we’re now in the era where digital cameras and camera phones rule. This makes taking nude photos of your partner even easier, as now you don’t have to be the couple that dropped off those pictures at your local camera store, and you don’t have to worry that some stranger has made copies of your nude photos. Of course, because they’re digital, this makes it easy for them to be uploaded and shared with the world via the Internet, but you wouldn’t do that, would you?
If you have a trusting partner whom you believe will keep the pics private no matter what, find a day where you two feel like being creative and take turns photographing each other nude. You can use props or just pose alone. As you both get turned on and start touching each other, don’t put the camera down. Use it to take photos of you touching your partner, licking your partner, and during the actual act of sex. Save them to a hidden place on your computer and have fun looking at them later—when you’re in the mood for self-pleasure or with your partner—as your own personal pornography stash. They may even jump-start another hot roll in the sheets!
If you’ve got a handheld camera or a device that is able to record video (most phones and cameras do), use it to videotape your partner or set it up to film both of you during sexual acts. Unless you want to capture both of your bodies fully in the nude as they do in most adult films, there’s no need to have an elaborate setup that involves a tripod, though that can be helpful, as it leaves both of your hands free for exploring. For starters, just keep it simple. Tape your partner going down on you as you hold the camera. Just a word of warning: Don’t accidentally leave this lying around when you’re done where someone (your kids, your friends, your boss, the media) can find it. Unless you want to end up in a long, awkward conversation, or have your tape used for amusement by your friends like in Trainspotting, these amateur films are usually best kept in a discreet location.
Plenty of household objects can be used for sexual play, and one of the most popular is food. If you’ve never tried it, two go-to standards are whipped cream and chocolate. Have your partner lie down (trying to apply whipped cream or chocolate while standing doesn’t often work very well) and then cover part of him with the sugary food. Perhaps cover his nipples with whipped cream or draw a long line down his body with chocolate? Then, using your tongue and your lips, seductively eat it off of him.
And, if it sounds like fun to you, you can have him try inserting some foods into your vagina—particularly rigid items like cucumbers and long carrots. Just slap a condom on those veggies first, as you don’t know how many people have handled them. Another way to use food is by blindfolding your partner and having him guess what food you’re going to feed him by smelling it and feeling it. This will help heighten your partner’s senses and make him curious for what you’re going to treat him to next. Perhaps you can treat him to a bite or lick or some part of your body you want him to taste?
Just a few words of caution: Don’t insert objects that might get lost in cavities and send the two of you on a trip to the emergency room. Also, avoid using anything sugary near the vagina, as it can lead to nasty yeast infections.