You’ve just learned all types of sex positions to enhance your time with your partner behind closed doors. But in addition to learning what positions are great for orgasms, it’s important to learn some techniques that can improve even the most basic positions so that you and your partner can both experience those bite-your-lip-allow-your-eyes-to-roll-back-in-your-head moments. The next tips will help get you there.
As you’ve discovered through your own exploration and through the way your partner stimulates it during sex, the clitoris is a very sensitive organ. And, as your partner has probably realized, every woman prefers to have her clitoris touched differently. Some women love intense pressure directly on the clitoris, while others prefer very light, indirect pressure. Let him know how you like it—whether you want more pressure or less, prefer him to play more with the right side than the left, and so on—with verbal or nonverbal directions so he can best learn how to help you have an amazing orgasm.
You might think your partner has a cute butt, but by the time you’re rolling around on the bed, I’ll bet you’ve forgotten all about it. One way to stimulate this erogenous zone in the bedroom is, when you’re close to reaching orgasm, to reach your hands around your partner and squeeze his butt to pull him closer to you. It will help him feel your orgasm—which is a total turn-on for him and a boost to his ego. One more tip: When you’re close to orgasm, squeeze your butt muscles together. It’ll make the feeling more intense.
You may think you know every curve of your lover’s body, but if you and your partner are free of STIs and are in a faithful, monogamous relationship where you are using hormonal contraception (or you are trying to get pregnant), have him use his fingers or his penis to explore your vagina. Have him take his time looking for the G-spot and the A-spot when both of you aren’t so turned on that you’re ready to pounce on one another. The knowledge gained in this fact-finding session will help you both out during other episodes, as you’ll both have figured out how to position your bodies to activate your most sensitive areas. More than likely, of course, this purely recon mission will turn into anything but.
Mirrors are fun when we’re on our own (how else could we possibly put on lipstick perfectly?), but they’re even more fun when you’re engaging in sexual acts in front of them. Watching your reflection as you pleasure your partner or watch him going down on you is sort of like watching porn—but with you two as the subjects—and, as a result, can be a real turn-on for both of you. And you can just imagine how exhilarating the feeling could be if you or your partner tries it while wearing a wig or some sort of other sexy disguise.
By now, I’m sure you know that the most sensitive part of a man’s penis is the glans and the most sensitive part of a woman’s vulva is her clitoris and the opening to her vagina. Here’s how to really take advantage of those facts. Instead of having your partner penetrate you deeply with his entire shaft, try having sex for as long as you two can with him just inserting the tip of his penis into your vagina. When he’s doing so, he can use his hand to move his penis so he can put pressure on different zones of your vagina’s opening to see where is most sensitive for you (and which parts of his head and glans are most sensitive for him). This method can also be used to build up excitement, tension, and the desire to be penetrated (and for him, to penetrate) all the way.
Sex, like dancing, requires you to be in sync with your partner. And as dancing isn’t going to be much fun if one person wants to rumba while the other wants to waltz, it’s going to be hard to find that sweet spot where the big O happens. If you two are moving at different speeds in the bedroom. It doesn’t matter whether you make love slowly and carefully, taking each moment to fully explore your lover’s body and using long, slow, deep movements to construct a very intimate experience, or if you’re literally tearing off each other’s clothes, knocking over lamps, and doing it like wild animals. All that matters is that you’re on the same page. If you’re the one who is hot and bothered, try to bridle your passion until you’ve aroused your partner to a similar state. And if you’re the one who needs a little more foreplay before sex, just reposition your partner’s hands or let them know you need to be warmed up a little more if they’re touching places on you that aren’t quite aroused yet.
As you experiment with the different positions I’ve mentioned, you’ll find that your partner is able to penetrate you much more deeply in some than in others. And while sometimes that may feel amazing, at other times of the month, it may not feel so pleasurable. During those times of the month, if he’s wanting to go deep (or if he’s so well endowed he can’t help it), just let him know you’re a little sensitive and take advantage of your vagina’s ability to stretch and tilt your hips so he doesn’t bang into your cervix.
By the way, in case you were worried, it’s not dangerous for your cervix to be hit during sex. But depending on your body, it may or may not feel good.
Want to know an easy way to improve your orgasms? Work out your PC or pubococcygeus muscle by doing Kegel exercises. When you come, this is the muscle that oxytocin causes to contract. And strengthening it can help both men and women enjoy a more powerful orgasm.
Women, you can find it by placing the fingertips of one hand on the fleshy part of your body just above the pubic bone. Place the other hand on the bottom of your tailbone. Now squeeze as if you were trying to stop the flow of urine. The muscle you feel tensing is the PC muscle. By strengthening it, you not only enhance your orgasms, you can also tighten your vagina around your partner’s penis and help yourself learn to ejaculate. Men, practicing Kegels can help you control how quickly you ejaculate and help you maintain a stronger erection (in addition to bettering your orgasm).
Commit to doing the simple exercises that follow, and you’ll be impressed with how much you may improve your sex life.
The most basic way to activate your PC muscle is to squeeze and hold it. Like any other muscle, as you develop it, you’ll be able to hold it longer and do more reps. As you do so, make sure to fully relax between each rep. One easy way to make this happen is by squeezing it with each inhale of breath and relaxing it with each exhale. Be careful not to overwork it—no matter how excited you are about improving your sex life—as you can exhaust it.
Within a few weeks of training the muscle, women may find that they can grip the penis more easily with their vaginal walls, the orgasms are more intense, and they can identify their clitoral, G-spot, and other genital muscles more easily. Men will discover that they’re experiencing a greater blood flow in the pelvic region, which has resulted in a stronger erection and more of an ability to control ejaculation.
Here are four Kegel exercises to try to strengthen your PC muscle.
• Clench and release your PC muscle 20 times.
• Clench and release your PC muscle repeatedly for 10 seconds.
• Clench and hold your PC muscle for as long as you can.
• Clench your PC muscle as much as possible for 20 seconds.
After a few weeks of strengthening your PC muscle, you should have reached the point where you’re able to do 200 reps of clenching and releasing it. Once you’ve reached this stage, add this to your routine: Tighten your PC muscle to the count of 10. Hold and take one long, slow breath and let it out without letting the muscle relax. When you breathe in again, tighten even harder, hold, then release your muscle and your breath after a count of 10. Work up to a set of 20. This more advanced exercise may just take your orgasms to the next level.
It’s easy enough to practice Kegel exercises without any special tools, but there are toys on the market that can help you focus on the PC muscle. The most common toys to help with Kegel practice are the ben-wa or duo-tone balls. Their weighted bearings make them particularly arousing when inserted into the vagina, and they can really help you focus on what muscle you’re supposed to be working during those exercises. While you’ve got them in, you can do one exercise that is hard to do without—walk around with them in your vagina and work to hold them in. Doing so will definitely take some effort if you’re new to Kegel exercises, but it’s a great exercise to practice to tone this muscle and, with the balls inserted, one that may bring you to orgasm.
One of the fun benefits of having a toned PC muscle is that you’ll have the ability to “milk” your partner’s penis with your vagina— also known as pompoir. Once your partner is inside of you, what you’ll want to do is begin clenching your PC muscle for 5 to 10 seconds at a time. Go up to 20 reps. As you do this, the sensation of wrapping your vagina around his penis may cause you to orgasm. But if you can manage to stave off your pleasure for just a moment, this clenching and releasing will make your partner feel as if you are “milking” his penis and it won’t be long until his penis erupts, releasing a powerful orgasm.
Do you smoke cigarettes or overindulge in alcohol and food? Kicking these unhealthy habits can have a real effect on the intensity of your orgasm. Smoking and being overweight can cause the blood vessels to shrink and this leads to a smaller amount of blood flowing to the penis and vulva—which means a less powerful orgasm.
In addition, for overweight or obese men in particular, losing weight will not only have an impact on the strength of your erection, you’ll see yourself gain inches—that’s right, inches—because you’ll have less fatty tissues surrounding the base of your penis. How’s that for motivation?
It’s unreasonable to expect yourself to be in the mood at any given moment, but if you’ve been struggling with finding your sex drive, here are some things you can do to improve your desire to pounce on your partner. For women, troubles in the bedroom are often tied to anxiety. Try to relax in the moment and not worry about everything else that needs to be done.
But if you believe that most of your problems stem from guilt, shame, fear of unfilled desire, or another emotional feeling that is holding you back, sometimes it’s best to share these with your partner. If sharing doesn’t alleviate your problem, it may be worth seeing a therapist to work through deeper issues.
If you’ve ever browsed the shelves of a health food store or the vitamin aisle, you know there are many herbs available on the market that claim to have a positive impact on all sorts of ailments … including sexual prowess and desire. Before you decide to take any, do some research to make sure it doesn’t conflict with any other medication you’re currently taking (for instance, St. John’s Wort is said to be an antidepressant, but it also makes birth control less effective). Here are some that claim to help with sexual issues.
• Ginkgo biloba: This herb increases the concentration of dopamine and other neurotransmitters that increase pleasure, happiness, and alertness. In doing so, it may also boost your sex drive and desire to bed your partner. Or the guy at the next table.
• Ginseng: This root increases the production of sex hormones and helps boost stamina. It also helps moderate stress and can reduce the symptoms of menopause.
• Avena sativa (wild oats): This plant produces deep relaxation, is said to increase sex drive, and creates stronger erections. It also may boost men’s testosterone levels.
• Muira puama: Known as “potency wood,” this unique plant heightens the physical response and sensations to sexual stimuli. It increases sex drive and intensifies erections and, so far, has no known harmful side effects. It’s been used in Europe for centuries and is now slowly gaining popularity in the United States.
• Black cohosh: This herb is said to improve premenstrual symptoms as well as lubrication and sexual responsiveness in women because of its effects on the female hormones estrogen and progesterone.
• Dong quai: This herb relaxes menstrual cramps, supports and balances hormone production, and relaxes the smooth muscles in the body. It also has pain-relieving effects stronger than aspirin.
• Ashwagandha: This native plant of India stimulates the body to produce the precursors to testosterone and progesterone and can have a positive effect on sexual response and sex drive.
As you’ve been reading throughout this book, taking care of yourself is not only important for your health, it can also increase your ability to orgasm tenfold. If you have been feeling stressed or rundown lately and your sex life has taken a serious hit, consider taking a day off of work and pampering yourself. Take a long, hot bath with your favorite salts or bubbles, get a massage, read your favorite book, listen to soft music, paint your nails, walk around your house naked, cook a delicious meal, watch your favorite romantic comedy film, explore a little self-love—anything that suits your fancy.
If you are too wound up to relax, try making your house a worry-free zone by meditating (you can find some great guided meditations on YouTube), or by creating a worry list. A worry list is a list of, well, your worries. But after every worry is listed, you have to write at least one viable and practical solution to resolve that worry. If you can’t come up with a solution, perhaps it isn’t something you should even worry about! For example, you might write, “I’m worried that I’m not fulfilling my duties at work,” followed by, “I can have a check-in with my manager on Monday and ask if there is anything I can improve on.” Sometimes having a workable solution to your worries makes them way easier to face.
If you truly spend your “you day” relaxing and taking care of yourself, the odds that you’ll jump on your partner the second he comes home are much, much higher!