Curious about what it’s like to be all tied up and have nowhere to go after reading Fifty Shades of Grey? Want to create your own Red Room? Being physically restrained in bed for pleasure requires a lot of trust, but succumbing to your partner can be a liberating experience. When your partner ties you up or binds your hands so that you can’t prevent your partner from arousing you, you’ll find your whole body becomes a lightning rod for pleasure as you try and move the parts of yourself that you want touched toward your partner’s mouth or hands. The next few tips will cover some of the most basic ways to restrain your partner as well as other popular toys used by the BDSM community.
The most common type of restraint are handcuffs. Handcuffs come in a variety of types, from plastic ones that break easily to fake fur–covered metal ones you can unlock without a key to nearly official police handcuffs that not even Houdini could have found his way out of. Okay, well, maybe Houdini could have, but you can’t. If your lover doesn’t enjoy the metal against his skin (as handcuffs can dig into the flesh), swap out handcuffs for restraint tape or silk rope. These can also be used to restrain your partner, but they don’t cause the same amount of friction on the skin.
When your partner is tied up, have fun teasing them—and perhaps employing some of the tips I suggested earlier such as the hot wax, ice, feathers, or other ways to activate his senses. By the time you begin touching his genitals, he’ll be begging for release … and it’s up to you to decide when you want to give it to him.
Cock rings—usually made from leather, metal, or rubber—are devices that are placed around the base of the penis or around both testicles and the base of the penis in order to help the wearer maintain a firmer, longer-lasting erection by reducing the blood flow out of the penis’s erectile tissue. Until you get a handle on how much pressure he can take, I recommend starting with the leather or rubber type, as you could cut these off if the sensation becomes too great. Once you have learned the size of cock ring that works best for you, feel free to try the metal variety. But don’t use them when you’re using a pill like Viagra, and don’t leave one on for more than a half hour, as they can cause nerve damage if he’s wearing them for an extended period of time.
Ball spreaders are a type of cock ring that also lift and separate the testicles or stretch the scrotum. Unlike cock rings, which are mostly for functional use or aesthetic appeal, these devices gently pull, stretch, and tease the testicles, and some include weights that create a heavier pulling sensation. Some men find these to be very pleasurable and discover that they intensify their orgasm.
Ball gags are devices that feature a strap that goes around the head and a device that goes in the mouth. The portion that goes into the mouth is typically ball-shaped, though it can also be shaped like a penis to offer the sensation of double penetration if the gag is used during sex. When used in tandem with other restraint devices, these can heighten the anticipation and desire of both parties, as it becomes a nonverbal game when the one restrained craves release and the one doing the restraining has to decide how—and when—they want that to happen.
Don’t have a ball gag handy but you or your partner want to experience the feeling of what one would be like? Use a handkerchief, scarf, or another item that can be tied around the head and inserted into the mouth instead. Just be careful not to insert too much fabric into the mouth, as you don’t want to cause accidental choking.
Nipples can be very sensitive erogenous zones for both men and women, and some people enjoy the feeling of their nipples being pinched or bitten. If you or your partner is into this type of play, clamps are one possible next step. Nipple clamps are essentially modified clothespins and when attached, cause pain and intense pressure for the wearer that your lover may find pleasurable. Try using them when you’re also doing something to your partner that you know they’ll love—such as going down on them—so they can experience both pleasure and pain in the same moment.
Engaging in power play can be a lot of fun for a couple, especially if the roles of who is in charge are switched from what the norm is for the two of you. When trying out the dominant role, tell your partner that he has to do whatever you ask in bed, and command him to lick, touch, and kiss you in all the places you desire. You may find that your partner really enjoys pleasing you as you guide him around your body. Some couples like to take this a step further and start a master/slave relationship where the master controls all aspects of the slave’s life, and some even extend this far outside the bedroom.
If you’re used to controlling the action, take a step back for a change. Tell your partner you’ll do anything they ask of you in the bedroom. As you pleasure him, you may feel a deeper connection as you learn what your partner enjoys, and you can use this knowledge in your next “free play” session of sex.
When you’re engaging in dominant and submissive behavior or restraint play, it’s worth it to designate a safe word. Because this is the only type of play during which “no” and “stop” can actually mean “yes,” if you really don’t want to do something or want your partner to stop, using the word “no” can be ineffective. Pick a word you’ll remember and one you likely wouldn’t typically use during sex. This way when your partner moans “No,” you know that you can keep going with their consent, but if they say “Hamster!,” then you need to stop what you’re doing and make sure they’re okay.