For some, anal penetration is the final frontier, the orifice that must be avoided at all costs, while for others it’s just another way to have sex. Whether you’re thinking about trying anal sex for the first time or this is old hat to you, the following tips should provide you with some of the basics to help you enjoy anal sex as much as possible and to give those who love it some new techniques to try out. If you’re hesitant about anal sex, consider that because the wall between the rectum and the vagina is very thin, anal sex can stimulate some of the more difficult-to-reach zones within the vagina (like the A-spot), at the same time leaving the vagina open for other play with fingers, tongues, or sex toys.
As with vaginal penetration, you can penetrate the anus with a penis, finger or fingers, or an inanimate object. But however you’re penetrating the cavity and inching in past the sensitive opening, you will need much more lubrication than you think is necessary. That is because that part of the body does not release any natural lubrication. In addition, the sphincter muscle holding that part of the body closed requires a lot of lubricated massage to relax and be ready for penetration. And, as the skin here is very easy to tear, it is very important to engage in safe, well-lubricated sex when stimulating the anus.
In closing, ladies, as you and your partner enjoy having anal sex, make sure to switch condoms between anal and vaginal sex so that you don’t pass bacteria. If you’re not using protection, be sure to thoroughly wash any object that has been in the anus before using it to penetrate the mouth or vagina.
Once you’re ready and interested in having anal sex, you need to prepare your body for the experience. Anal sex, unlike vaginal sex, is not usually something that’s possible to have as a quickie. The most important thing you can do—in addition to having a lot of silicone-based lubricant on hand—is to relax. And if you’re not used to relaxing your anus (and more than likely, you’re not), this will likely take some time. Begin by breathing deeply and trying to relax your body. Once you’re at ease, have your partner begin to massage your anus and the surrounding area using the lubricant. When you’re feeling fully relaxed and you don’t feel like you are still clenching your anus, that’s when you should move on to the next tip.
Earlier in this book, I provided a brief overview of how to stimulate a man’s prostate gland by penetrating his anus (Tip 197). If you’re a woman who wants to have anal sex, the technique your partner should use is the same. Either way, if the partner being penetrated is new to anal stimulation, I recommend going slowly. Very slowly. Your partner should make sure that their nails are trimmed and don’t have any sharp edges while you enjoy a bath or shower. If it makes you feel more comfortable, you can douche anally or give yourself an enema. While douching is not recommended for the vagina, as it disrupts the delicate balance of the vagina’s natural bacteria, it’s fine for the rectum as long as you’re gentle.
Then, once you’re back in bed, you can start by messing around and making out in bed, or have your partner massage you and slowly work his way toward your anus. When your partner senses that you’re relaxed enough for him to touch your anus—thanks to the deep breathing you were practicing in the last tip—he should add some lubrication to his finger and touch your anus using slow, circular motions, keeping the fleshy part of his finger perpendicular to the anal opening.
As he continues to add more lubrication and massage the anus, he should slowly increase the pressure, until he reaches the point when he finally feels the muscle relax. This is when he should slowly penetrate your anus with his finger and begin to explore inside.
Before jumping into full-on anal sex that involves a penis or dildo, try having your partner penetrate your anus using a smaller penetrative device, such as anal beads or a probe, so you can adjust to the sensation of having something go into your anus (versus out). Just as your partner did when he penetrated your anus with his finger, he should have patience when getting ready to penetrate you with a slightly larger object. One word of caution—don’t fully insert anything without a serious handle into the anus. Unlike with the vagina, toys can actually get stuck in the rectum, and nothing’s a bigger buzzkill than a trip to the emergency room.
Though they do have a terribly off-putting name (we dare you to try and say it romantically!), these sex toys can be inserted into the anus and can provide the rectum with a pleasurable sense of fullness that can cause a strong orgasm in the person being penetrated. Their unique design—they are typically very narrow at the top and bottom with a wider middle section and a flattened bottom—also prevents them from being sucked up into the rectum. Though the basic butt plug is sleek and immobile, you can find ridged and vibrating plugs, and some are even capable of being inflated as large as the receiver desires.
Like butt plugs, anal beads are inserted into the rectum to provide stimulation to the anus, but the sensation they deliver is a bit different. These toys are composed of round, smooth beads strung together on a nylon, silicone, or cotton cord that is then lubricated and inserted into the anus before your partner is close to orgasm. When your partner senses that you are getting close to reaching orgasm—perhaps through both anal and vaginal or anal and clitoral stimulation—they should gently tug on the string to pull out one bead at a time to intensify your orgasm.
If you’re using a nylon or silicone cord, these can be cleaned and reused, but if you’re using cotton, you need to use a different string each time to prevent the spread of bacteria.
Once you’re done cracking your alien abduction jokes, and you’ve already tried the anal toys suggested in the previous tips, it may be time to attempt the anal probe. This slender toy is shaped much like a penis’s shaft and has a ball-like shape on the end. It will allow your partner to penetrate your anus deeper than he could with the butt plug or anal beads and it can help prepare you more fully for anal sex, as the device resembles his penis.
Like with butt plugs, anal probes come in many variations—including vibrating and beaded probes that function similarly to anal beads—and if you’re using it on him, do note that if you move the anal probe in certain directions, it makes it easy to stimulate his prostate gland.
Most of the following tips have been centered around the idea that your partner will be penetrating you, but if he’s the one who loves having his prostrate stimulated, consider picking up a device specifically made for doing just that. Like the dildos on the market specifically designed for stimulating your G-spot, there is also a toy for men—the prostate stimulator—that will stimulate his G-spot. These toys are angled in such a way that when inserted into the anus, they put a pleasurable amount of pressure both on the prostate and externally on the perineum so that you can stimulate the gland from both sides and bring him to a body-shaking, explosive orgasm.
Analingus, also known as rimming, involves using your tongue or mouth to stimulate your lover’s anus much in a similar way as a man would go down on a woman during cunnilingus. Because the anus is packed with nerves, this can be a very pleasurable sensation and a good lead-in to anal sex. However, rimming does require some precautions against bacteria and other diseases. First, have your partner shower and thoroughly wash his or her anus before pleasuring them. If it makes you (or your partner) feel more comfortable, stimulate him or her through a dental dam or a small piece of plastic wrap. To really turn on your partner using analingus, encircle the rim of the anus with your tongue, lick it from one side to the other, and even consider penetrating the anus with your tongue.
After your partner has warmed up your anus and you’ve become accustomed to the feeling of having something in your anus—you might be ready for anal sex. Make sure he uses a lot of silicone-based lubricant on both the condom and on your anus prior to entry and that he knows not to be shy about adding more during sex. Have him go slowly and gently, only gaining speed and adding pressure when you ask him to. The same goes for you if you’re penetrating him with either an anal probe, dildo, or a strap-on. While he’s penetrating you, if just the sensation of having anal sex isn’t enough to bring you to orgasm, you can heighten the sensation and bring yourself closer to coming by stimulating your clitoris or playing with your vaginal opening.
A big component to having great anal sex is the position. Whereas with vaginal sex, in which you may find that certain positions work better than others to help you reach orgasm, with anal sex you’re most likely to discover that some positions feel good and some positions make you want to stop having anal sex immediately. The following two positions are great for anal sex, especially if you’re new to the experience.
The first is the missionary. Having anal sex in the missionary position is essentially like having vaginal sex in this position. It’s a great starting position because the rectum is straight and having sex puts very little pressure on its walls. Plus, it allows you and your partner to look at one another as you see if you both like this new addition to your sexual toolbox. Once you’re comfortable with having anal sex in that position, you can vary it slightly by putting your knees up and having your partner kneel between them as he penetrates you.
When you think of anal sex, this is probably the position that comes to mind. But I don’t recommend it for your first anal sex experience. That’s because it doesn’t give you much control. Also, because of the angle your bodies are at, his penis puts quite a bit of pressure on the walls of your rectum. While this pressure feels great during vaginal sex, it’s probably going to be a while before this feels good for you during anal sex. However, once you’re comfortable with having anal sex, this position is great for deep penetration, or if you’re penetrating him, for prostate stimulation.
In addition to adult movies, there is also the old-school type of pornography: magazines and pictures. These can be a way to become comfortable with adult images and ease your way into the material before you check out some X-rated films. Just as with films, these types of materials run the gamut from tame to wild. Again, it’s a good idea to check out a few different types to find the styles that you and your partner like best.
For many couples, adult materials can be a great way to enhance their sex lives and bring some added excitement to the bedroom. But occasionally these materials can cause problems for one or both members of a couple. Some red flags:
• If you and/or your partner find it impossible to become aroused without the use of adult materials
• If one of you begins hiding your adult materials and covertly using them behind the other’s back
• If one of you starts spending so much time viewing porn that your real-life sex life as a couple suffers
If any of these or other porn-related problems becomes an issue for you, it’s probably time for you and your partner to have a serious discussion about porn’s role in your relationship. Similarly, if the only times that your partner is interested in sex are prompted by adult materials or extreme experiences, you need to have a chat. In extreme cases, it might be necessary to enlist the help of a therapist or counselor.