By this point, I hope that through all the tips, techniques, ideas, and positions I’ve suggested, you’ve had some impressive orgasms and found ways to clear out those obstacles that have gotten in your way in the past. Perhaps you finally even experienced your first orgasm! Or you found a position that is now your new go-to. In these last few tips, I want to give you a couple final ideas you can integrate to enhance your orgasms. Great work getting here, and best of luck as you go back to the bedroom armed with your new knowledge. Make sure you always focus on improving what you like, rather than settling for any ol’ orgasm that comes about. Switch up your hand placement, or reduce the speed of the vibrations—any little alteration can make a huge difference. Try it as many different ways as you can think of!
Have you ever heard someone talk about how the journey is more important than the destination? Orgasms fit into that category as well. That’s because even if you have a great orgasm, if the circumstances surrounding it are mediocre—or even bad or downright dull—it’s likely you’ll remember the ho-hum or disconnected sex and not the climax that made your head spin ’round. So unless it’s an intentional quickie brought on by some serious animalistic passion, don’t rush up the mountain of lovemaking just so you can reach the top.
When the intention in the bedroom is to focus on the pathway to orgasm instead of just the climax, it’s easier to slow down and take time with each movement. This type of pace builds sexual tension as well as a deeper connection with your partner, which can improve the orgasm when it comes. When you’re in bed with your man, make it a point during some of your lovemaking sessions to build very close to the point of no return, then back off again a few times until you are ready to finish the journey together. When you do, you may find the orgasm you experience to be more powerful than the one you would have had if you’d succumbed to your desire for instant gratification.
American culture is at war with itself when it comes to sex. On the one hand, advertisers use sex to entice the public to buy pretty much anything, be it a car or a hamburger. But when it comes to talking openly about sex or being happy with the bodies we’re in, we’re lost. Did you know that about 26 percent of American woman report that they have never experienced an orgasm?! That’s a completely unreasonable number and one we should work to whittle down. In the meantime, you can work on your own acceptance of your sexuality, your body, and the body of your partner. Revisit some of the chapters within this book to help you along that path, and, unless you’re practicing exploring each other’s bodies in the complete darkness as a way to enhance your sex life, light some candles so you can practice admiring each other!
Getting to the edge of orgasm and then just not making it there can be extremely frustrating. One way to help yourself when you’re feeling stuck is by breathing. “But I am breathing!” you say. Uh-huh. Well, even if you’re not turning blue, next time you’re having trouble climaxing, put some focus on your breath—not the orgasm—and take slow, deep, full-body breaths. For some tips on how to breathe, return to the sections of the book where I discuss yoga and Tantra, as both of those practices focus on connecting with your mind and spirit as well as with your body. The idea is to experience sex as a pleasurable activity on its own instead of treating it as a means to an end. By breathing and relaxing, you take some pressure off of the orgasm and put it into the journey to get there. By doing so, you’re probably going to have to work back up to the point where you’re about to come, but when you reach that point again in this more relaxed state, you’ll be more likely to reach the climax instead of fall off the cliff.
I realize that I just told you to breathe if you’re having trouble reaching orgasm. And for most people, holding their breath and tensing their body actually minimizes the power of an orgasm. But if you don’t have trouble coming, you could make your orgasms more powerful by holding your breath. Instead of using a dangerous device like a tie or something else that you may accidentally choke yourself with when you climax, simply hold your breath and don’t let go until your orgasm has passed. It won’t take too many tries before you find out whether taking full breaths or holding your breath when you’re close to orgasm is more effective at getting you there.
Orgasms are great on their own, but even better when they come in pairs. And in this case, I don’t mean multiple. I mean coming with your partner at the same time. When you and your man are able to reach climax at the same time, it’s an amazing way to connect. But it can also heighten the orgasm itself, as each of you could find yourself getting more turned on as the other starts to move their hips and contract their penis (or in your case, your vagina) in a way that’s purely primal. Then, when you both get there, you can collapse into each other’s arms in postecstasy bliss.
Safe sex is important, as it can help prevent the transmission of STIs. But if you’re in a faithful, committed relationship and are either on hormonal birth control or are trying to get pregnant, there’s nothing like the feeling of having your lover ejaculate inside of you. It’s possibly the only way to make even the best orgasm feel better. And did you know that women have been known to have spontaneous orgasms when their bodies recognize that the guy has deposited semen in their vagina? Thanks, biology!
Though most of this book has been devoted to finding new ways of achieving great orgasms, where you orgasm is also important. Coming inside of your partner—or having them come inside of you—is very intimate and intense. But it can also be fun to come on your partner or for him to give you a pearl necklace. Many men love watching their own money shot of sperm land on top of their partner’s breasts, face, tummy, or lower back. Master female ejaculation and you can return the favor!
Though it takes some training for women to experience external ejaculation, women do have the advantage of being able to experience multiple orgasms relatively easily. There are two types of multiple orgasms: sequential and serial. Sequential orgasms are those that occur spaced out from each other, while serial orgasms can happen within mere seconds of the last one, so they feel more like one continuous orgasm.
If, like most women, you rely on your clitoris as your primary gateway to orgasm, most likely you will want to give this organ a reprieve after the first orgasm and focus on stimulating other erogenous zones, or continue enjoying penetration without direct stimulation of the clitoris. But if you want to achieve a strong sequential or serial orgasm, try to push past the feeling that your clitoris is too sensitive for continued contact and ask your partner to keep up the motion that got you going in the first place.
Most men have a much harder time experiencing multiple orgasms than women do because they have a longer refractory period. Few men can ejaculate, get stimulated, and then ejaculate again within one sexual episode. But there is a way to do it. It all goes back to those Kegel exercises you learned earlier in the book. By strengthening and gaining control of the PC muscle, he’ll just need to squeeze it hard as soon as he begins having an orgasm to prevent ejaculation but allow the rush of orgasm to flood through his body. This will allow him to maintain an erection and come again and again until he’s ready to ejaculate.
You’ve read, you’ve tried new positions, you’ve practiced the techniques I’ve suggested. Face it: you’ve worked hard to learn how to have a great orgasm! Here’s the most important thing you need to know: Don’t fake your orgasm. Not much, if any, good can come from moaning when you’re not turned on and pretending to reach climax when your partner isn’t getting you there. All you’re doing is inflating an undeserving ego. If your partner can’t get you off—and he may not be able to every time you’re in bed together—it’s more important that the two of you figure out what’s going on and solve the issue instead of sticking your heads in the sand. So, unless you want your partner to misunderstand what works for you, lay off the acting until Hollywood calls!