THOMAS DURFEY
Hœc, dum incipias, gravia sunt, dumque ignores, ubi cognôris, facilia.° [Terence]
To His Grace, the Duke of Ormond,° Lord Steward of His Majesty’s Household, Knight of the Noble Order of the Garter, One of His Majesty’s most Honourable Privy Council, etc.
May it please your grace,
The arrogance a poet may be guilty of in a dedication often brings him more terror than his fear for the success of his play; and I always thought the frowns of an offended patron a greater punishment than the censures of the partial critics. But the sin of confidence is so natural to a young poet and so suitable to his character and business, that an excuse, or reproof, as it would be extremely unnecessary, so it might perhaps be a hindrance to his fortune. My sense of this has encouraged me to present this comedy to your grace with this humble suit: that as it has indifferently passed° in the opinion of the town, it may have the honour to stand as neuter in your grace’s favour. The greatest confidence of a poet can ask no more, nor can you, my lord, governed by your excellent temper, grant less. This I know I need not repeat, nor urge a second time. For whoever yet made an humble address° to your grace that went away unsatisfied? You are so far from singularity, so nobly just, and so unwearied in doing good, that to pen your applause were as impossible a work as to pen the actions of your life, every hour producing some memorable thing as an addition to the volume. My lord, ’tis not only my particular grief, but everyone’s, for your grace’s departure from England.° And though the great place of trust conferred upon you by his sacred majesty—and which none can be more worthy of—gives us proof as well of your pious loyalty as unequalled grandeur, yet such an influence you have gained on all hearts, that they had rather the kingdom of Ireland should lose its preserver than they so good a patron. This, I confess, I am most sensible of, perhaps having as much cause as any, which relation° I’ll smother lest it is thought interest more than gratitude makes me resent it. |
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If I have presumed too much, I have this excuse: that a dedication to such a person cannot be writ without it, and ’tis the only honour a poet is ambitious of—to have a great name before his play. I confess I was guilty of this and have only this excuse for the arrogance of a dedication: that your grace was pleased to favour my last, and that this was writ with the same integrity. For the play I can say nothing, only that it was my own,° though some are pleased to doubt the contrary (the Scotch song excepted, a part of which was not mine, nor do I desire any reputation from it). Be pleased, my lord, to forgive this prolixity; and believe my sense of the honour I have in addressing to your grace almost equals the ambition I shall ever own in styling myself, |
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My lord, |
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SCENE: LONDON
If plot and business, comical and new,
Could please the critics that sit here to view,°
The poet might have thought this play would do.
But in this age, design no praise can get; 5
You cry it conversation wants and wit,
As if the obvious rules of comedy
Were only dull grimace and repartee.°
Such, sirs, have been your darlings proved of late;
The author, therefore, careless of his fate,
And knowing wit a chattel hardly got,° 10
Has ventured his whole stock upon a plot.
He says a mock-song, or a smutty tale
Can please the town; and why not this prevail?
I friendly told him, all that I could say,
Was, that your fancies leaned the other way, 15
And you loved wenching better than his play.
For the body still you luxury prepare,
But let the mind be desolate and bare;
Thus lose yourselves in the world’s prudent thought,
Then strive to get reprieve by finding fault. 20
A critic is a monster that can sway
Only o’er ignorance, and yet dares prey
Upon that power that formed him out of clay.
Adulterate age, where prudence is a vice,
And wit’s as scandalous as avarice; 25
Yet, in despite of this, you’re poets too,
And what two fops rail at, a third shall do.
Upon our privileges you encroach,
And with dull rhymes the noble art debauch.
For writing plays you scorn a poet’s name; 30
A bawdy song’s enough to get you fame,
Where, ’midst the reputation that is due,
You will be sure no man shall censure you.
Yet though your faction does infest the town,
There is a wise cabal dares judge and own 35
Desert and wit, and our endeavours crown.°
To these we humbly dedicate our plays,
Whilst at their feet our poets throw their bays.°
A dining room [in Bubble’s house]. A table, shuttlecock, and battledores°
Rashley and Emilia, sitting; Betty
BETTY (sings)°
SONG
In vain, cruel nymph, you my passion despise, |
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But, vigorous and young, I’ll flee to thy arms, |
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[Exit Betty]
RASHLEY By heaven, there’s nothing so dear to a free and generous spirit as this roving and uncontrolled way of love. Methinks we live like angels, and every kiss brings a new life of pleasure. |
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EMILIA You have reason to believe I think so for suffering this early visit from you in my husband’s absence, who, poor man, went from me by break of day to see a horse race a mile beyond Highgate.° |
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RASHLEY Nay, I confess, ’tis a sign of your kind resentment° of my passion. O heaven, that happy thought has made me all rapture. I’ll cherish it, madam, as I would my youth or, the best of all my senses, the sense of feeling. |
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EMILIA Cherish it rather as the means of keeping our love from my husband’s knowledge. Well, I swear the thought of my indirect° plot sometimes makes me very melancholy. |
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RASHLEY Melancholy? Fie, Madam, banish such thoughts forever from your breast. If you are melancholy now, what would you have done if I had not known you? When the clog° of your conscience—I mean your husband—would have been your perpetual plague, and given you cause for more melancholy than the contrivance of the plots you speak of? |
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EMILIA Ay, but to break a vow, sir, a vow. Little do you think what ’tis to break a vow. |
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RASHLEY Little do I think? Madam, I thought you had known me so much a gentleman to imagine I know what belongs to the breaking a vow as well as another man. To undeceive you, I have broke twenty vows, that is, unnecessary vows—such as yours are—nay, and without a scruple of conscience. I thank my stars I’m of a tougher constitution. |
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EMILIA Besides, you consider not the other inconveniences; you know my husband’s sister, Maria, loves you and is of that untamed, malicious nature that she’ll revenge my invading her propriety in your heart° by discovering our love to my husband. I know she plots it hourly, and though her pretence is the honour of our family, her real design° is through her love to you. |
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RASHLEY Never doubt your husband, madam; he has so strange a confidence in my fidelity that to possess him° otherwise were utterly to take away the little sense is left him. You know he brought me to lodge in his house, which prudently I refused at first, and seemingly fled from the heaven I desired, to make him more importunate. Since I came here, you know how he has caressed me; and to colour my design and divert you,° have feigned° a mistress in this quarter of the town, and then, as if I spoke of her, have told him all that has passed betwixt myself and you, at which the good-natured creature has laughed extremely and wished me good luck a thousand times; and can we now doubt further success? By heaven, we cannot, Madam. |
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EMILIA Then you know there’s another great obstacle; Ned Ranger has long professed a passion for me and doubtless is not ignorant that my love for you is the cause of his no better success. A jealous man sees more than twenty others, and ’twill be very necessary for us to be careful of so dangerous an enemy. |
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RASHLEY Dangerous? Not at all, madam. Never think him so. Success, which animates the hero and leads him on to greater enterprises than before he durst attempt, has cherished hopes in me. Let me alone with him; and, for thy part, egad I’ll turn thee loose to any female-devil on this side Lapland,° either for plot or repartee. |
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EMILIA Yet still I fear the worst. |
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RASHLEY Fear nothing, madam. Fear is the worst of passions and incident to base, not noble, hearts; besides, our love, considered rightly, is a second-rate innocence where affection, not duty, bears prerogative. ’Tis the great and primitive business of our souls; suspicion and fear came in by the by.° |
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Enter Betty |
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BETTY Madam, Mr Ranger, in spite of my resistance, has rudely pressed into the house and is just coming hither. |
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EMILIA Call up the footmen. Lock the door. |
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Enter Ranger |
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RANGER (to Betty) Stand still, Mrs Jilt,° or I shall spoil your door-keeping° hereafter. |
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[Exit Betty]
Jack Rashley—here? Hell and the devil!
EMILIA What insolence is this? Pray, sir, your business? |
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RANGER Only my zeal, Madam, to give you notice of an approaching danger. Your husband has so entangled his horns° yonder in a hawthorn-bush° that ’tis to be feared without immediate help he will lose the decent and commodious° ornament of his forehead. |
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EMILIA Most impudent of men! How dare you talk thus?
RANGER Most infamous of women! How dare you do thus?
RASHLEY [moves threateningly towards Ranger] Do what, sir?
EMILIA [to Rashley] Hold, and as you love me, move no farther. [To Ranger] Basest of men! Have you the folly to believe this way can prove beneficial to your love? No, I hate thee mortally, nor shall thy malice from henceforth be successful; I’ll disarm it, and when thou thinkest thy plots are surest laid, be sure of a surprise.° |
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RANGER O infamy! ’Sdeath, is your forehead steel? And is your skin of that obdurate temper you cannot force a blush into your cheeks at the confession of your obscene crime? How great a friend to hell is impudence! |
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EMILIA [to Rashley] Pray, sir, forgive him. ’Tis an insipid fellow that I am often troubled with and believe his insolence for the future shall be prevented. In the meantime, to express my gratitude, give me leave to present you with this necklace. This ring too will fit your finger, nay, and swear you shan’t refuse ’em. My husband gives me often such as these; ’tis all the good I get by him. |
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RANGER Very well. The blessing of a wife let all men judge. What envious fiend to plague me makes me love this creature? |
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RASHLEY[to Emilia] I will preserve your favours as my life. Your memory shall possess my soul and all your charms live ever in my sight. (Kisses her hand) My kindest, sweetest, dearest— |
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RANGER Death and damnation! Must I stay and see this? Madam, this modest carriage before a jealous lover makes— |
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EMILIA Little for your contentment, I doubt not, sir. But ’tis a fate proper enough for such busy and inquisitive persons.
RASHLEY (sings) Fa, la, la, la, la.
RANGER[to Emilia] Go. You are a devil—so far from being a woman, that I begin to doubt whether nature had any hand in your creation. Is’t not enough, vile creature, that I know you abuse your husband, but that you dare give me an ocular proof? Dispense your favours to the man that horns him before my face? O, unparalleled impudence! |
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EMILIA Incorrigible fool. Think’st thou to daunt my will? The little ill I do can raise no infamy, nor will I ever doubt it. |
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RASHLEY[sings] Fa, la, la, la.
The joys of a lover in passion remains,
In passion that’s fervent and free, etc.
Enter Betty
BETTY O Madam, my master’s just come home and coming up. |
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[Exit Betty]
RANGER Blessed minute! Now I hope his eyes will be unsealed and, through the right end of the perspective,° see you. Madam, assure yourself: there shall want nothing in me.
EMILIA I know, sir, and am prepared for the worst of thy malice. [To Rashley] Here, take this battledore, and let us play. |
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Emilia and Rashley play
RASHLEY Out, out, Madam—you’re out.
Enter Bubble
BUBBLE Ha, ha, ha. [ToEmilia] Chicken; good morrow, chicken. [To Rashley] Morrow, Tom. [To Emilia] Chick, prithee let me kiss thee. What, in the mumps?° This morning, pop,° no more of that. [Sees Ranger] Ho! What, my old friend Ranger too? Morrow, Ned. Faith, would you had been with me this morning; I have had the rarest sport yonder at Highgate with two or three country fellows. [To Emilia] Harkee, chick, I have invited ’em all to dinner one day this week, good, blunt, coarse fellows, faith, but damnable rich. As Gad jidge me, I passed for a brave° fellow amongst ’em. |
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EMILIA You need boast of applause from such clowns?°
BUBBLE Clowns? What, honest, tough, hard-fisted, plain-dealing farmers—clowns? Pop, I say, you are an inconsiderable varlet, chicken, and know not what belongs to such good company.
RANGER She is so well diverted at home, sir, that all rural society is distasteful to her. |
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EMILIA I guess ’em to be much of your humour, sir: owners of a great deal of dull, insipid noise and very little or no sense.
BUBBLE Well said, chicken. [To Ranger] Ned, to her. To her again, Ned; ’tis a raging Turk at repartee.° Invent,° invent; strike her home.° Prithee try her wit. Thou art a scholar. For my part, I dare not. As Gad jidge me, she’s always too hard for me. |
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RANGER And me too, I assure you, sir. But there’s a gentleman that has the good fortune to be more intimate. His address is far more pleasing than mine. |
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BUBBLE Who, Tom? Come, I’ll hold° a guinea° she’s too hard for him too; why, ’tis the readi’st, witti’st, jeering’st, fleering’st quean.° ’Sbud, she’s one of the pearls of eloquence. And, pop, by the way, let me tell you there’s ne’er an orator in Christendom has more tropes and figures;° take her when her hand’s in° — |
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RANGER Nor knows the art of wheedling better, I’ll say that for her.
BUBBLE Gad, thou art in the right; she’s a non parelio° at it. But now you talk of wheedling, prithee, Tom, how goes thy love affairs? Thou look’st but ill upon’t. Any plots, adventures of late? Ha!
RASHLEY None that can make me frown, sir. My stars have allotted me so mild a destiny, that I can caress° my friend with my wonted air without being discouraged by my success in love affairs. |
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BUBBLE I’m glad on’t, faith. Come, prithee let me be partaker of thy good fortune. When wert thou with her?
EMILIA Tell him, tell him, sir. Lord, you never used to be so cautious in these matters. Pray, tell him and tremble. (To Ranger aside) Now observe. |
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RASHLEY Why, sir, I was with her this morning.
BUBBLE So! And what success, prithee?
RASHLEY Why, at my first coming she entertained me with a song, softly expressing the delights of love in an excellent air, and added to it a thousand kind words and kisses. I had all the privilege imaginable, and ’twas my good luck to come at a very happy hour; for her husband went out early i’ th’ morning a-fowling° as far as Holloway.° |
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BUBBLE Holloway? A pox on’t. What damned luck had I? If it had been Highgate, I should have met the fool; for I have been there all this morning. |
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RASHLEY Ah, ’tis no matter, sir. His company can add little to anyone’s credit; for he is but a kind of a soft-headed, a half-witted fellow. |
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BUBBLE A ninny, a fool. Ha, ha, ha. |
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RASHLEY Ay, and the most credulous of all the cuckolds I ever met with. |
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BUBBLE Poor animal! Faith, I pity him, but there’s a number of ’em about town i’faith. We men of wit should want diversion else. |
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RANGER [aside] We men of wit, quoth a! Damn him. He’s duller than a justice’s clerk. To be made a property all this while and not discern it! O insufferable stupidity! |
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EMILIA Observe, sir, observe. |
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RANGER Yes, devil, I do observe. I doubt not but my observation shall add little to your quiet. O curse of— |
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BUBBLE Why, how now, Ned? What, grinning like a monkey eating of chestnuts?° Prithee what art thou thinking on? As Gad jidge me, I think thou art grown insipid, as my wife says. How dost like Tom’s intrigue? Ha! Is it not pleasant? |
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RANGER Very pleasant, sir; and, faith, in my judgement represents as nearly as any character I ever saw— |
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BUBBLE Represents? Who, pox! You’re at your quirks and quiddits,° your Cambridge puns and Westminster quibbles,° are you? |
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EMILIA Pray, forward, sir. Methinks ’tis very divertive. |
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RANGER Very divertive! [Aside] Damn her. She was sure the offspring of Beelzebub.° |
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RASHLEY After a thousand other caresses, intermixed with kisses, and smiles, and a world of happy thoughts and fancies extravagantly rendered upon so happy an occasion, she obliged me in a new and most sensible° way, presenting me, with a sweet and incomparable grace, this gold watch and this diamond ring. |
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Ranger looks amazedly
BUBBLE Prithee observe Ned there. He’s grown a strange whimsical fellow. Ha, ha, ha. Look how he stares. |
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RANGER Was ever such an impudence? Sure I dream—and this is all delusion! Harkee, sir, are you irrecoverably blind? |
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BUBBLE Blind? What, I blind? |
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RANGER Methinks that watch looks very like one I have seen your wife wear often. |
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BUBBLE Ha! As Gad jidge me, and so it does; but much good do thy heart, Tom, I’ll warrant it right.° |
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RANGER Methinks that ring too much resembles yours. |
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BUBBLE The square° is right, but I think my stones were a little bigger. |
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RANGER (aside) Now the devil take thee for a dull rogue. |
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RASHLEY But the best jest was, before she gave me these, there happened to come rudely into the room a wild, young fellow that I found afterwards to be my rival, and one she hated for his ill nature and impertinence; but to see how pitiful he looked to see me so presented before his face would have made you die with laughing. Ha, ha, ha. |
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BUBBLE Ha, ha, ha. |
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EMILIA Ha, ha, ha. |
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RANGER [aside] Hell and furies, what’s this I hear? Am I made a property too? If I bear this, may I be posted° for a coward and my infamy known to all nations. [Takes Rashley aside] Harkee, sir. |
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RASHLEY Well, sir. |
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RANGER By your ridiculous, fleering behaviour, I guess I was concerned in your last description, an affront that requires instant satisfaction;° and believe, sir, you shall not carry it off so clearly° as you imagined. Though he is such a fool to be bubbled out of his reason, I am not. Follow me, sir, if you dare. |
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RASHLEY Dare! Lead on, sir. You shall see how much I dare! |
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EMILIA Hold, sir. You shall not go. |
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RASHLEY Dare follow you? |
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RANGER Ay, sir. (Points to Emilia) ’Twould be a doubtful question if your protection there were out of the way. |
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RASHLEY What’s that? Protection? |
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BUBBLE How now? What jokes? Hard° words? What’s the matter, Tom? I must have no quarrels here. |
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EMILIA ’Tis Mr Ranger’s ill humour. Prithee, love, speak to him; he’s always disturbing good company. Tell him he’s impertinent. |
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BUBBLE Gad, and so I will. What a pox, a man cannot be a little jocose in his own house, but he must disturb him; you shall see me go and huff° him. |
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RANGER His horns, I am sure, are large enough; horns of sufficient growth, substantial horns; horns visible, large, craggy-branched, rough horns—and yet he may not believe it. |
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BUBBLE Believe what, Ned? Ha, ha, ha. He’s mad. Downright out of his wits. ’Tis a thick-skulled fellow, God knows, but we were not all born to be wits. What dost believe, Ned? |
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RANGER Why, sir, I believe you are mad. |
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BUBBLE I mad? Damn me, Ned, you’re an impertinent fellow. [To Emilia] Now observe, chicken. |
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RANGER How, sir? |
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BUBBLE I say, sir, an impertinent fellow, sir, and deserve to be crammed into a powdering-tub.° |
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RANGER [aside] Damn this fool. How he tortures me! But my revenge lies another way; I’ll instantly go to his sister, Maria, who I know loves Rashley and will willingly join with me in my revenge. This must do, and I’ll about it instantly. |
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Exit Ranger
BUBBLE Ah, he’s gone. I thought when I began to roar once, he would quickly vanish. I warrant I have frighted him into an ague. Poor fool, he’ll hardly trouble us again this good while. |
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RASHLEY An uncivil person, first to intrude into our company, and then to hinder our discourse, especially of so pleasant a narration. Gad, ’twas too much. |
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BUBBLE Too much? Why, ’twas the devil and all; and, as Gad jidge me, he’s the son of a whore, and I’ll make him an example. |
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Enter Footman
FOOTMAN Sir Roger Petulant with his nephew and old Mr Fumble are come to visit you. |
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BUBBLE Gadso! Sirrah, wait on ’em up° and call my niece down. | |
[Exit Footman] | |
[To Emilia] This is the man, chicken, I told thee that I intend for Cordelia’s husband. He’s very rich, I am told, and his father’s a knight and sheriff of the county. |
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EMILIA But who is the other, sir? |
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BUBBLE Why, dost not know him? ’Tis old Alderman Fumble. He’s a little deaf, but, i’faith, very good company and will so fumble about the women. You shall see he’s a very jolly fellow, and repartees, and talks, and chats at all rates; but the devil a word he hears, for he always answers quite contrary. He’ll make us all laugh, i’faith. |
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EMILIA I’ve heard he dotes on all the women he sees and is as passionate and inconstant at his age of seventy-three as the brisk sparks of our times are at five-and-twenty. |
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RASHLEY He says—the devil take him that believes him—nothing fails him but his eyes, which defect he has lately amended by a pair of Venetian spectacles.° |
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BUBBLE Ha, ha. ’Tis a pleasant old fellow. But here they come. Enter Sir Roger, Sneak, and Fumble |
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SIR ROGER [To Sneak] Cob!° Come, Cob, come! Along, I say, and hold up thy head. Fie, fie. Be not so bashful, child. Nay, Cob, what, dost think I’ll forsake thee? Pish, in verity I will not. Wipe thy eyes, I say. |
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Enter Cordelia
BUBBLE He’s a little moody-hearted, that’s the worst on’t. But the young man will show his parts by and by, I warrant ye. Come hither, niece. Sir Roger, your most humble servant. |
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Old Fumble pulls out his spectacles and looks on Cordelia |
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SIR ROGER Yours, good Mr Peregrine.° You see, sir, I am as good as my word: I have brought my nephew. [To Sneak] Cob, here’s your Mrs Cob. Look, look up, and go and salute her.° I’ll show thee the way. Nay, Cob, still in thy dumps? Look upon me, man! I’ll do’t first. |
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SNEAK Well, well! I’ll follow you, uncle. I am a little bashful at present, but I shall come to’t anon. |
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SIR ROGER Well said. [To Cordelia] Madam, I am your humble servant. (Kisses her) |
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SNEAK And I likewise, Madam. |
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FUMBLE I’fack, i’fack! A pretty, well-favoured woman, that there! A good eye, good hair, and, i’fack, I think everything good. Ha. Hem. [Aside to Bubble] Mr Peregrine, prithee who is that there? That woman there? |
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BUBBLE Who, she yonder? |
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FUMBLE Ha! |
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BUBBLE Why, she’s a near friend of mine, sir. (Aloud) What an ignorant old fellow ’tis, not to know my niece! |
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FUMBLE A friend? Well, I could have heard you; I could have heard you without this exclamation. What, i’fack, I am not deaf; I could have heard you. But if she be a friend, I hope an old friend may salute her; ’tis a civility well paid. By your leave, sweet lady. |
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Goes to kiss Cordelia and kisses Sneak |
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SNEAK What the devil does this old fellow mean? Uncle! Did you ever see the like? |
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SIR ROGER Ha, ha, ha! A pleasant mistake, i’faith. |
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FUMBLE Ha! I’fack, I think I was mistaken, was I not, gentlemen? Was I not? I doubt my false light guided me to the wrong person. Ha! But come, no matter; I meant it right, madam, I meant it right. Never the older for a mistake, i’fack! I meant it right. |
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CORDELIA I am glad I missed it for all that. |
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SIR ROGER Mr Rashley, you are not merry; in troth, I fear I have disturbed you. Ha! |
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RASHLEY Not at all, sir. ’Tis impossible your free humour can be troublesome to anyone. |
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SIR ROGER You know my old way, sir, jovial and inoffensive. Pray let me commend my nephew to you. Cob, come hither. He’s a little too modest, sir, but else I think I may say, a youth of notable parts. Come hither, Cob. |
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RASHLEY I can believe no less. [To Sneak] Sir, your humble servant. |
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SNEAK With all my heart, sir; and I am your servant in like manner. |
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CORDELIA Bless me! What a figure of a husband shall I have? |
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SIR ROGER You know, sir, when I was a bachelor, I delighted much in merry songs and catches.° Ah! Sawny Brome,° rare fellow, and when a dozen of us Royalists° were met at the Mitre under the rose° there, the leveller° went round, round, i’faith. I hold out still, sir, as well as I can, and though I cannot sing myself, I keep those that can. |
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BUBBLE Ay, and so do I. |
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[Enter Betty]
My wife’s maid shall sing you a Scotch song.° Come, sing it, Betty. BETTY (sings)
A SCOTCH SONG |
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In January last on Munnonday at morn,° |
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I bid, ‘Gud morrow, fair maid,’ and she right courteously, |
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‘Fair maid, I’m weel contented to ha sike company;° |
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‘Nea, gud sir, you are far mistean, for I am nean o those,° |
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‘Nay, gif you are contracted, I have no more to say;° |
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‘Sir, I see you are proud-hearted and leath to be said nay;° |
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BUBBLE How d’ee like it? |
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SIR ROGER O, I have a hundred such as this, sir. |
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FUMBLE A pretty matter, i’fack, a very pretty matter. |
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RASHLEY I doubt, sir, you heard it not. |
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FUMBLE Ay, is it not, Mr Rashley, is it not? I’fack, I like it well. |
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RASHLEY With all my heart, sir. |
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FUMBLE Right, i’fack. It was sung well indeed. |
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EVERYONE Ha, ha, ha. |
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BUBBLE Well said, Grandsire Fumble. Come, Sir Roger, now let’s in and toss a bumper about. |
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SIR ROGER I wait upon you, sir. Cob, lead in your mistress. |
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Exeunt
Rashley and Emilia remain
RASHLEY So! Thus far all is well. But what’s next to be done? For I know Ranger and Maria are plotting mischief. |
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EMILIA To prevent ’em, we must counterfeit a falling-out by railing at you to my husband. I’ll soon confirm it in his opinion, but be sure you are melancholy enough; and by this means, their designs are frustrated and we still safe in our intrigue. |
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RASHLEY Excellent! And I’ll warrant you, sweet, I’ll play my part well. |
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EMILIA The better will be the success. But let’s go in for fear we are seen. |
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RASHLEY Thus whilst we’re equally involved in thought, |
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Exeunt Rashley and Emilia
[Another room in Bubble’s house]
Enter Ranger and Maria
RANGER Never was an intrigue carried with so much confidence. Every word they spoke retained a double meaning, but so evident that any animal but a dull husband could not fail to understand it. For they were so far from hiding their amour that they openly confessed all, only speaking in a third person for a slender security. He stood and heard it and often would laugh heartily to hear himself notoriously abused. |
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MARIA An insipid fool! O that I had been there to have changed the scene a little! But, sir, could you be idle on such an occasion? Why did not you play your part cunningly and discover ’em? |
10 |
RANGER Faith, I did what I could. But the cunning devil your sister, still as I was speaking something towards the discovery, would interrupt me and in a minute dash all my hopes by turning what was said into raillery. |
|
MARIA Is she so politic? ’Tis very well. I once imagined I could best design, and thought my talent of wit equal with any. But are they so intimate, say ye, sir? |
|
RANGER As man and wife. |
|
MARIA Impudent fellow! Dares he insult over my love? Baffle my passion with a sly pretence? I am not fair enough, but he shall find my brain has wit enough to ruin his design, fool as I am. |
|
RANGER (aside) Now the devil in her is working hard for me. We shall have it anon. |
25 |
MARIA Fooled by a brother’s wife! A creature that the law makes kin to me! No, ’twas tamely thought, and I, as tamely now, should suffer wrongs had I a dastard spirit. But in me nature has shown her masterpiece; and to a masculine person providence has bestowed an active soul so sensible of wrongs, that to forgive would argue me as base as is their treachery. |
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RANGER (aside) Now she thunders; the devil has been priming her all this while, and now she scatters like a hand-granado.° |
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MARIA My love refused! ’Tis death to the dull fool! Death, double-death—damnation too, ’tis likely. But why did I name it love? There’s no such word; for with this breath I banish it forever, and in my breast receive obscure° revenge, my heart’s delightful darling. O, the pleasure in that slender word, revenge! I’ll plague the fool her husband with a story shall make his gall flow upwards.° |
|
RANGER Plague him with doubts and make his jealousy break into violent fits of rage and passion. I’ll further all, madam; by heaven, I will not fail you. |
40 |
MARIA Enough; and doubt not we’ll soon turn the current. |
|
RANGER We’ll catch ’em in his lodging. |
|
MARIA Entrap ’em there, and bring him in to see it. |
45 |
RANGER Right. What else? We’ll shame ’em. | |
MARIA Slight ’em. |
|
RANGER Laugh at ’em. |
|
MARIA Vex ’em. |
|
RANGER Ruin ’em. |
50 |
MARIA Damn ’em. |
|
RANGER Hey, by Heaven, ’tis excellent, and now I see the sense of wrongs can arm a female spirit and make it vigorous. O, I adore thy temper! |
|
MARIA I’ll instantly go to her and first charge her with the fact, then upbraid her. For I am resolved never to let her rest till she deserts his passion. |
|
And whilst she suffers that base wretch to woo her,
I’ll plot and counterplot, but I’ll undo her.
Exit Maria
RANGER (alone) I am glad I met with her; for of all the persons I am acquainted with, she only has enough of the devil to follow such a business closely. For she’ll never rest till she has betrayed ’em, which still will further my revenge; and I am resolved to enjoy her sister, if it be but only for the dear pleasure of boasting it hereafter. I’ll straight to Bubble and once more infect him with my poison. Maria is my pilot, and her being thus slighted by Rashley will still augment her desire of revenge: ’tis natural to the sex. |
|
For baulk a woman once and love rebate,
Not all the devils shall reclaim her hate.
Exit
[A room in Bubble’s house]
Enter Rashley, Emilia
EMILIA Manage it but carefully; you need not doubt the consequence. I have already possessed my husband with a belief of our variance, and I know he’s coming up with an intent to reconcile us. I’ll not be seen. The rest is your part; carry it but handsomely, and Ranger’s plots are fruitless. Maria has sent also to speak with him; I guess the business, and I am accordingly provided. But remember you are not tardy. |
|
RASHLEY Never doubt me, madam; I am more a lover than to be idle in a business that so nearly concerns us. Besides, ’tis so well contrived and so easy to be followed that to fail now would demonstrate me as defective in sense as your husband is. But what business can your sister have with you? The devil and she have been plotting together about this intrigue. |
|
EMILIA Let ’em plot. I am so much her sister that my part shall never be wanting to furnish the comedy. I’ll go to her straight. In the meantime, be you sure to play your part with him. (Noise offstage) Hark! I hear him coming. |
|
Exit Emilia |
|
RASHLEY [alone] Well, I never thought a woman till now so necessary a creature. Intrigues are their masterpieces, and as readily they undertake ’em as a country lawyer a bad cause from a half-witted client. ’Twould be excellent sport to hear the two she-wolves bark one at another. But since I cannot be there, I’ll divert myself with entertaining the fool, her husband. Here he comes! Now to my studied posture. |
|
Enter Bubble |
|
BUBBLE Why, how now, Tom? What, all a-mort? In verity, this is foppery, as Sir Roger says. Come, cheer up, cheer up, man, and hold up thy head. In troth, thou makes me sad to see thee° look so like—so like a—gammon° of bacon. There! I was sharp upon him. Ha, ha! A good jest, a’faith. |
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RASHLEY (aside) Damn him! What a simile the fool has found out! [To Bubble] Sir, it lies not in any man’s power to banish serious thoughts at all times. Besides, I have some cause for my present melancholy. |
|
BUBBLE The cause? Come, come, Tom. I know the cause. Ha, ha. You thought, I warrant, to have carried matters so privately; but if I once go about such a business, there’s ne’er a man in Christendom, though I say it, can find out a cause° sooner than I. |
|
RASHLEY You may be mistaken in mine, sir, for all that. |
|
BUBBLE Mistaken? Ha, ha! I see, Tom, thou knowest not what ’tis to be ingenious. I tell thee once more, I do know the cause, the very cause, ay, and more than that, the cause of that cause. ’Sbud, there’s ne’er an attorney in the Inns of Court knows more causes than I do. |
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RASHLEY I doubt not, but in the end you’ll be brought to confess yourself too positive° in this particular. But since you have such an excellent faculty and imagine yourself so well skilled in finding out secrets, come, what is’t? What is’t? |
|
BUBBLE What is’t? Why, ha, ha, ha! My wife. My wife, Tom, and you’re fallen out, ha, ha, ha! Have I mumped you now, i’faith? |
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RASHLEY I must confess you are in the right, sir. |
50 |
BUBBLE O must you so, sir? What a pox, I warrant you thought we husbands had no wit but what our wives lend us. But I would have you to know, Tom, that I am a Leviathan at these matters: to be plain, that is as much to say, a whale.° |
|
RASHLEY I am sufficiently convinced of your excellent judgement, sir; and, as I have confessed to you freely the cause of my sadness to be your wife’s ill usage of me, so I am continually tortured to guess the reason. For I am confident, sir, you know I always honoured her and loved her. |
|
BUBBLE Faith, so thou didst! I’ll say that for thee; and, by the Lord |
60 |
Harry, she shall love and honour thee too, or I’ll be very sharp upon her. I’ll pinch her severely, faith, for all she’s my chicken. Nay, if she’ll be still refractory, rather than fail, thou shalt pinch her too, Tom. I am not like your surly-burly-waspish-cross-grained fellows that fall out and fight about their wives. ’Sbud, I’ll give my friend leave at any time to chastise my wife if she don’t behave herself civilly. |
|
RASHLEY You ever load me with your kind expressions, dear friend. |
|
BUBBLE Dear Tom,° faith, thou’rt an honest fellow. |
|
Bubble embraces Rashley |
|
RASHLEY (aside) This ever is the fate of cuckolds. |
70 |
BUBBLE Never doubt. I’ll bring you together again with a vengeance.° Nay, I can tell you the reason of her anger too, if I thought ’twere convenient. |
|
RASHLEY Convenient! Why, sir, ’tis the only thing that conduces to my contentment; for I have long studies in vain and could never yet so much as guess at it. Let me beg it of you, sit. Come, I’m sure you cannot deny so near a friend. |
|
BUBBLE I’faith, I cannot, that’s the truth on’t, and thou shalt have it. Why, you must know, Tom, one night—when I was examining her about you—she told me very seriously that the cause of her anger was that you promised to give her a squirrel that night, and never kept your word, and she loves squirrels passionately.° |
|
RASHLEY ’Tis true, I confess I did promise her; but as the devil would have it, I was disappointed utterly of my squirrel that night myself, for I got very drunk and from thence sprung this fatal consequence.° |
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BUBBLE Puh! No matter. I’ll warrant thee I’ll bring all about again. |
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RASHLEY O ’tis impossible. I am sure she’ll ne’er° be brought to’t. |
|
BUBBLE Not brought to’t? Yes, I’ll lay my commands upon her, and I’ll have you know she shall be brought to’t. I’ll lay a wager I’ll reconcile you both before night. |
|
RASHLEY Done. Any wager. | |
BUBBLE What shall it be? |
|
RASHLEY Why, five guineas to be spent in a treat of venison and champagne. |
|
BUBBLE Agreed, i’faith, and we’ll drink and sing tory-rory. Not reconcile you! You shall be all one before tomorow morning. I have a spell for that. I’ll do’t, I say. Come along, boy. |
|
Exit Bubble |
|
RASHLEY A petty friend for pimping we applaud,° |
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Exit |
|
[A room in Bubble’s house]
Enter Sir Roger, Cordelia, Sneak
SIR ROGER Madam, you, as being the niece to Mr Peregrine, truly deserve the favour I intend you by this alliance. You are a handsome woman and, in verity, were I a young man, none should be more forward than I for a place in your affection. I like your air well; and, upon my faith, you have the right way on’t. Ah, madam, I once saw the days when such an eye as yours—well, I say no more on’t. ’Tis for my nephew now I make addresses. You see what he is, madam: his face is none of the worst, nor his person I think any way defective. In brief, madam, I present him to you, nor shall he want an estate to make him worthy. |
5 |
CORDELIA [aside] ’Tis well he named an estate to candy over his bitter pill; my squeamish stomach would else have hardly digested it. Lord, how he looks! |
|
SIR ROGER Cob, go! Prithee go and make your address to the lady. He’s newly come from the college,° madam, and is, as the rest of ’em are, a little bashful at first, but by that time h’as seen a play or two— |
|
CORDELIA Methinks this silence becomes him very well, sir. A student should always be contemplative; ’tis a great sign of learning. |
|
SIR ROGER ’Tis a sign he thinks the more. But, madam, ladies of this age are not to be won with imaginary courtship; ’tis the practic part they love, and he that can sing well, dance well, talk well, rhyme modishly, swear decently, and lie confoundedly is certainly the happy man, whilst others pass unregarded. |
|
CORDELIA I see, sir, you are well skilled in modish address;° but give me leave to tell ye—perhaps few other ladies are of my humour—I love words considerately spoken. |
|
SIR ROGER And I too, faith madam. [To Sneak] Cob, d‘ee hear that, Cob? |
|
SNEAK Ay, ay, ’tis a fine woman, by Jericho,° and now I begin to be a little in heart. I shall put up well enough anon, uncle. |
|
SIR ROGER Well said. Why, now I love thee. [To Cordelia] And, madam, as to his interior virtues, I dare speak for ’em. His wit is hereditary. Ah, his father, old Sir Jeremy Sneak, had a notable head-piece, and, troth, Cob comes very near him. You’ll find it, madam, when he talks with you. |
|
CORDELIA Your character of him, sir, gives me the satisfaction I should receive in his discourse. I imagine him to be one of those that hoard up wit for Plato’s great year° and are very shy of using their talent for fear of diminishing the value in making it too common. |
|
SIR ROGER In verity, madam, I always held him so. Cob! |
|
SNEAK Ay, madam, you may say of me what you please. I am your slave, your vassal, your pig, madam. But as for wit, as my nuncle says, I think I may compare with another, take the court-cabal° away. ’Tis a blessing thrown upon me. Besides, mine is none of your wheedling wits that cheat for a livelihood. I am no parasite, madam. I am a scholar, I! |
|
SIR ROGER In troth, he’s in the right. Did not I tell you, madam, he would speak notably? Ah, ’tis a wag. |
|
CORDELIA His disputes in the college have added extremely to his rhetoric. He speaks with good emphasis and gives a delightful period° to every jest, of which I see he has many. But I would fain have the gentleman speak himself: a little talk, I am sure, would become him. |
|
SIR ROGER He shall do’t, madam. [Aside to Sneak] Cob, now’s your time—she’s wrought finely. Madam, I’ll take my leave for a minute. I know his temper, madam; he’ll speak the better for my absence. |
|
Exit Sir Roger |
|
CORDELIA Pray, sir, what university was blessed with your presence? |
|
SNEAK Cambridge, madam. |
|
CORDELIA Will you not be angry if I ask you one question more? |
60 |
SNEAK O Lord, angry, madam? You do not know me. Angry! You mistake me clearly. We of the round cap° are not given to’t; ’tis your graduates are the angry people. |
|
CORDELIA Pray, what have you learned at Cambridge? | |
SNEAK Learned! What a plaguy question’s that? Where’s my uncle now? Learned, madam? |
|
CORDELIA Yes, sir. Learned. |
|
SNEAK Why, Madam—I learned nothing. |
|
CORDELIA Nothing, sir! |
|
SNEAK No, but to wear a daggled gown, as the rest do, and eat dry chops of rotten mutton.° We fellow-commoners° don’t go thither to learn. Madam, we go for diversion; we— |
|
CORDELIA I thought you had gone to learn the sciences. |
|
SNEAK Right, madam, but not gentlemen. Your green, half-witted pupils, I confess, come thither for some such business; that is, madam, your prigs° that would be parsons. But the sciences of your persons of quality, I’ll give you a description. Hum. ’Tis to wench immoderately, to be drunk hourly, to wear their clothes slovenly, to abuse the proctor° damnably, and so be expelled the college triumphantly. There are seven, but I contented myself with these. |
|
CORDELIA [aside] This is ever sound. Your sly fool is in his nature more impudent than the greatest professors of debauchery.° I must shift him off.° |
|
Enter Fumble |
|
FUMBLE O, here she is! And, i’fack, I’ll put up to her° now I have found her. How dost thou do, girl? Ha! How dost thou do? Give me thy hand. Ah, little rogue! Well, I have been with my goldsmith about the ring I promised thee; thou shalt have it, bird, thou shalt have it. How now, who is that there? |
|
SNEAK [aside] O, the devil! Now will the old doting fellow disturb us before I have told her half my mind. [To Fumble] Who am I, sir? Why, sir, I am one that cares as little— |
|
FUMBLE Thank you heartily, sir, i’fack. I am very well, only cold weather, cold weather. ’Tis Sir Roger’s nephew! A pretty fellow, a very pretty fellow. |
|
SNEAK Very well, sir. [Aside] Would you were very sick, sir. ‘Oons, I must beat this fellow. |
|
CORDELIA [aside] Here’s like to be rare sport. |
|
SNEAK Pray, old philosopher, depart in silence for fear of further damage. This lady and I have business. |
|
FUMBLE I’fack, and so she is, sir, very pretty, very pretty, bona fide. Ah, that black o’ th’ top there!° Well, I’ll say no more. But, i’fack, black hair, black eyes, and a black—Gad, forgive me, what was I going to say?—patch or two further generation more than tissues and embroideries.° |
|
SNEAK [aside] Generation? O Lord! Was ever such an impudence? An old, doting, impotent fellow, one that was rotten in his minority° and now has lost three of his five senses—to talk of generation! I am impatient. [To Fumble] Will you be gone, sir? ’Sbud, I will so swinge you else. |
|
CORDELIA Hold, sir, and pray forbear this rudeness; I like his company very well. |
110 |
SNEAK How! Like him? Why, he has nothing, madam. A lady can like no hearing, no smelling, no tasting, no teeth, no strength, no—nothing I say that a man should have? Besides, he’s above fourscore and, by being a stallion in his youth, has acquired to be a baboon in his age,° by Jericho. ’Sbud, like him, quotha? |
|
FUMBLE What does the wag say? Ha! What does he say? He’s a pretty, spruce fellow, madam, and, i’fack, knows a hawk from a handsaw,° as the saying is. But here are those not far off that, i’fack, know as much as he, if that were all. What think’st thou, bird? Do they not? Do they not, rogue? Well, still I say that hair of thine—ah, rascal! |
|
CORDELIA I am glad it pleases you, sir. |
|
SNEAK But, madam, when shall I begin? ’Sbud, methinks we lose time. |
|
CORDELIA Begin what, sir? |
|
SNEAK Why, my courtship. Pox o’ this old, chattering fellow; if he had not come, I had been out of my pain before now. [To Fumble] Hark ye, reverend° sir. ‘Bud! What d’ee do prating here? Why don’t you go and chat to your granddaughter at home, if you love women so well? |
125 |
FUMBLE Ha! What does the wag say, madam? |
|
CORDELIA He says, sir, he’s extremely in love with your grand daughter. |
130 |
FUMBLE My granddaughter? And, i’fack, she deserves it, madam. She’s a juicy, spritely girl; she’ll make a pottle of water of a pint of ale!° A chip o’ the old block, bona fide, and shall turn her back to° ne’er a one in Christendom of her inches,° I’ll say that for her. |
|
Enter Betty |
|
BETTY Sir, there’s one Mrs Snare below desires to speak with you. |
|
SNEAK Snare! O Lord, what shall I do? How the devil came she to know I was here? [To Betty] Hark; prithee, sweetheart, tell her I am gone. O, I would not see her for the world! |
|
BETTY Sir, she says she dogged you hither and swears and rants yonder strangely. |
140 |
SNEAK O damned quean! What shall I do? |
|
BETTY And vows if you come not instantly, she’ll go into the parlour to Sir Roger and discover something to him, I know not what; but I saw she was a big-bellied woman, and I was loath to discourage her. |
|
SNEAK Well, well. Tell her I’ll come. |
|
[Exit Betty] |
|
Why, how the devil could she get from Cambridge already? |
|
CORDELIA What’s the matter, sir? Not well? |
|
SNEAK Yes, I thank you, madam, very well—only thinking of a little business I have. I must about it presently. Madam, your servant. I’ll wait on you some other time. [Aside] I must go and pacify this quean. This comes of learning the sciences with a pox. |
|
Exit Sneak |
|
CORDELIA Come, sir, shall we go in? |
|
FUMBLE I’fack, and so he is, madam, but the fellow has some pretty parts and will grow better in time. But, come; let’s go in and see Sir Roger. |
|
CORDELIA ’Twas that I asked you. |
|
FUMBLE Ha! Dost like me, say’st thou, i’fack? I’m glad on’t. Shall we not have a word or two in private, my little queen of fairies? We must, I say, we must. Ah, rogue! I’ll warrant thou art a swinger.° But come, let’s go. |
|
Exeunt |
|
Emilia’s bedchamber
Enter Maria and Emilia severally°
EMILIA [aside] Now for my talent of women! I see by her looks I shall have occasion for it. |
|
MARIA Sister! |
|
EMILIA Sister! |
|
MARIA The natural love I bear you, and my desire to prevent your growing infamy, has brought me hither to give you counsel. |
|
EMILIA The sense I have of your ill nature, and my knowledge of the little good it will do you, has brought me hither to give you advice. |
|
MARIA Your reputation is loudly branded by all tongues, and I only, as a sister, have power to speak indifferently of your life in hopes of your reformation. |
|
EMILIA Your malice and unexampled envy is mortally hated by all people, I only, as a sister, retaining so much pity as to desire its utter dissolution. |
|
MARIA Why do you echo me? |
|
EMILIA Why do you question me? What have I done deserves it? |
|
MARIA Done! Recollect your thoughts and then confess. For my part, shame ties up my tongue. I dare not speak it. |
|
EMILIA Dare not! Nay, that I am sure is false. You dare speak anything. Come, prithee don’t fright me; what is’t you mean? |
|
MARIA (aside) Excellent cunning! She has fitted me.° [To Emilia] Why would you seem ignorant? I confess to a stranger you might be cautious of a nice confession, but this artifice to your sister—fie, Emilia! |
|
EMILIA Now I’ll lay my life your design is to wheedle something out of me to make yourself merry withal. |
|
MARIA Rare° still! No, madam, this is no such merry matter; the infamy of a family is not so to be jested with. |
|
EMILIA Infamy! Nay, then I see ’tis time to be serious. Come, express it. I suppose ’tis the invention of your envy, some new stratagem to affront me with; I am no stranger to your temper. |
|
MARIA This is an impudence beyond a prostitute. Do I not know you are false? |
|
EMILIA False! How? |
35 |
MARIA False to your husband; false with Rashley. I need not tell you how; you best know that. |
|
EMILIA I know you love him and am sensible of the intrigues and assignations which you have had, which makes your meaning visible. But methinks this is so strange a design.° |
|
MARIA Design! What is’t she means? I hope you can tax me with no such crime with him. |
|
EMILIA Not I; ’tis not my business. I have only liberty to guess. Yet indeed your often private meetings were a little suspicious, and I suppose your late raillery was only a design; but you might have took a better way with your sister. I am not so talkative. |
|
MARIA Exquisite devil! Death, I am incensed beyond all bounds of reason. I private with him? An intrigue with me? Fury, thou know’st— |
|
EMILIA I do. And to exasperate thy rage, will now confess all. I do love Rashley more than I love fame. Nay, more than you could do, could you die for him. But why should that offend you? |
|
MARIA O confusion! I am all o’er fire. Dare you be such a devil? Dare you love him? |
|
EMILIA Yes; and to vex you more, dare make you of my counsel. |
55 |
MARIA Can I endure this? O, for a look now of a basilisk° that I might kill thee. |
|
EMILIA Thou art worse. |
|
MARIA Expect to find me so; for if there be a stratagem of malice in all hell, I’ll have it thence. Ah, I’ll be a tender sister to thee. |
|
EMILIA As ever woman yet was blessed withal. |
|
MARIA Not all the infernals clad in the secret darkest robes of malice did ever watch a soul they meant to ruin, as I will thee. Thy very sleeps shall be discovered to me, and every dream I’ll trace with so much care that if thou scapest, thou art the wiser sister and I a poor, unthinking creature, good for nothing. |
|
EMILIA I slight thy threats and dare thee to persevere. Manage thy hate with such dexterity, the world may wonder at thee and confess thou hadst the practic part of policy.° Design thy plots so subtly, that the devil should own himself outdone in his own mystery. Yet, in the arms of him I love, I’d laugh to see my wit out-do ’em. |
|
MARIA Thy wit! Thy wit compare with mine, insipid fool? |
|
EMILIA Yes; and my prosperous fate shall mount me far above thy shallow stratagems. |
|
MARIA I’ll pull thee down from that ambitious height and trample thee in ashes. |
|
EMILIA Do. |
|
MARIA Expect it. |
|
EMILIA And from that low recess, I’ll forge a plot shall blow thee into air. |
|
I’ll make that devil in thy envy tame. |
|
MARIA And if I fail thee, may I sink and damn. |
|
Exeunt |
|
[A room in Bubble’s house]
Enter Sneak and Mrs Snare
SNEAK Nay, prithee, Peg, have patience. |
|
MRS SNARE Tell not me of patience, sir. For my part, I can stay no longer. You see my condition. If you will consider, so; if not, Sir Roger shall know that the abuse of so innocent a person as I was deserves better satisfaction. |
|
SNEAK [aside] Innocent! ’Sbud, she was a strumpet to the whole college before I knew her. Innocent, with a pox! |
|
MRS SNARE Sir, do not grumble, nor say your devil’s pater noster° to me, but give me money. Fifty pounds I demand, which I think is reasonable enough, considering the charge° of my journey. |
|
SNEAK You might have stayed till I came back again. I was not running away. |
|
MRS SNARE But I was, sir, and so might you for anything I know. Come, come, sir. I am to be baffled no more. I am grown older now, make me thankful.° |
|
SNEAK [aside] Ay, in impudence, by Jericho. She has been snapped,° it seems, formerly but has now learned cunning. Ah, plague o’ these sciences, I say still! [To Mrs Snare] Come, wilt thou be civil? Wilt thou take twenty pounds? Pox, use a little conscience in thy dealings. Thou wilt thrive the better for’t. |
|
MRS SNARE I’ll abate not a farthing, sir. Don’t tell me of conscience. |
|
SNEAK [aside] ’Sbud, would she were i’ th’ sea and a millstone about her neck. I must give it, for if my uncle comes and sees her, I am undone. |
|
Enter Betty |
|
BETTY O, sir, what shall we do? Sir Roger and my master are just coming. |
25 |
SNEAK O unhappy minute! If he sees me, I am lost forever. No hole nor corner to hide us in, my little rogue? ’Sbud, here’s a guinea for thee; do but contrive handsomely. |
|
BETTY Well, sir, I see you are a gentleman; therefore, I’ll help you. This door opens to my lady’s chamber. There you may hide yourselves; and, at night, when it begins to grow dark, I’ll come and let you out. |
|
SNEAK With all my heart! O, I’ve an ague on me. |
|
Exeunt Betty, Sneak, and Mrs Snare. Enter Ranger and Emilia |
|
RANGER Are you still resolved? |
|
EMILIA Assure yourself I am and shall be ever. |
35 |
RANGER Give me but hopes, and I’ll forget all injuries and ask your pardon. |
|
EMILIA Fie, this from a man of wit? One that can plot so well? ’Tis impossible: what would you have me do? |
|
RANGER Desert young Rashley. Come, I beg thee do it. |
40 |
EMILIA Not for the world! O, heaven! Desert him! I love him, sir. |
|
RANGER Go on then, devil, and if I don’t plague thee— |
|
Enter Bubble, Sir Roger, Rashley, Fumble |
|
BUBBLE Now for the venison, Tom. You’ll stand to your bargain? |
|
RASHLEY Firmly, sir. Win it, and ’tis yours. Ha, what a devil makes Ranger here?° |
45 |
SIR ROGER Madam, I hope you’ll excuse my last abrupt departure. My nature, madam, is merry and, in verity, careless sometimes. I have not since I came to England achieved the polite method of courtship and address; but if blunt actions, kind behaviour, and merry songs can do it, I think I have shown an example, have I not, old signor? |
|
FUMBLE I’fack, sir, and ’tis right, let who will say the contrary. What does he say now? Madam, you may believe him. |
|
EMILIA Anything, sir, rather than put you to the trouble of an apology. |
|
Emilia frowns on Rashley |
|
RASHLEY What think you now, sir? Do you observe her angry look? Do but see what an eye of indignation she casts upon me! |
|
BUBBLE Ay, ay. I’ll put out her eye of indignation presently. I’ll fetch her down with her haughty looks in a moment; I’ll make her look as I’d have her, or I’ll put her head into a pudding-bag. |
|
RANGER [aside] ’Sdeath, how she looks! Here’s another plot ahatching. |
|
BUBBLE Wife! I have brought honest Tom here to be reconciled to thee and, to take away all manner of distastes,° he says he will give thee a squirrel at any time. Would thou not, Tom? |
|
RASHLEY Sir, and my heart into the bargain, if she please to pardon me. |
65 |
BUBBLE Why, look ye now, he’s as honest a fellow as lives, I’ll say that for him. |
|
EMILIA Sir, the affront he offered me was so contrary to my nature, and his behaviour so opposite to his duty and character, that to forgive him would argue my spirit as mean as by his late deportment one might guess his breeding. |
|
BUBBLE What! Dare you be refractory? Ho! Do it or, by the Lord Harry, I shall be very sharp upon you, that’s in short. |
|
RANGER Now all the fiends that dwell beneath the centre, and hourly study deeds subtle and horrid, to sooth and snare the souls ye mean to damn, in favour of your commonwealth appear, and to be still more devilish, copy her. |
|
BUBBLE Still refractory? Then, thus, I break the truce and sally out with my full power. |
80 |
RANGER Sir, do you not see her artifice? This is nothing what she intends; ’tis all feigned, and you are abused, by heaven. Sir, there’s nothing of this real. |
|
BUBBLE Ah, would it were not. But, Ned, thou canst talk well; prithee go and try if thou canst reconcile ’em. Faith, I’ll do as much for thee. Prithee try. |
|
RANGER [aside] Insufferable ignorance! No brains! No sense of feeling! [To Bubble] Sir, this is all dissimulation and to carry on their design of abusing you. |
|
BUBBLE Why, peace, I say, not a word of this. ’Sbud, I shall lose my venison by this fool’s prating, if I let him alone a little longer. Wife, I command you once more, and instantly obey upon this summons, or I’ll turn you away like a vagabond for contempt of my government.° Sir Roger, try you to persuade her. ’Sbud, this Ned here had liked to have spoiled° all; but what says Scoggin?° |
|
EMILIA ’Tis hard to force lost friendship to the blood when once ’tis banished. |
|
RANGER [aside] Had she been bred a witch, she had lost half her character. |
|
SIR ROGER Come, madam, forget and forgive; ’tis necessary your husband should be obeyed. Mr Rashley, I am sorry to see you so deserted by the ladies you used to be most in favour withal. |
|
RASHLEY Not I. But you weigh my merits in your own scale, Sir Roger. |
|
SIR ROGER No, faith. I am old now, but, about some thirty years ago, I could have said something. I could have fetched ’em about with a horse-pox,° i’faith. I never flinched. I was a true knight-errant, I. |
|
FUMBLE What is the meaning of all this? I’fack, I cannot guess the matter, but mum, I must not discover my failing. |
|
EMILIA Well, sir, rather than be thought disobedient, I will submit, but heaven knows with what an ill will. |
|
BUBBLE Why, so, now all’s well, and the venison’s mine. Ha, ha, ha. I thought I should have it. Faith, Tom, be civil and kiss her; ’tis no confirmation else. |
|
RANGER O, damn him, damn him! Was ever such a coxcomb! |
|
RASHLEY [aside to Emilia] ’Tis now about five; at seven, I will not fail ye. Madam, you have given me new life with this favour. |
|
RANGER (overhearing) At seven? Good! Thanks to my ear for that discovery. I shall go near to spoil your assignation. |
|
BUBBLE Go now; get you in and begin a set at ombre, and I’ll come and make one presently.° By the Lord Harry, I am glad they are friends with all my heart. |
|
Exeunt Sir Roger, Fumble, Rashley, Emilia smiling. Enter Maria |
|
RANGER So Paris stole the wife of Menelaus and Troy grew bright with fire.° |
|
BUBBLE Hey-day! Troy! Why, what hast thou to do with Troy? Ned, prithee let us talk of our own affairs. |
|
MARIA And wisely too, for your reputation suspended one hour will grow nauseous;° the rabble will shout at ye and point their fingers, and by your name you will grow infamous. |
|
Enter Betty at door |
|
BUBBLE My name, sister! What dost mean? What name? |
|
MARIA A cuckold. Can you bear it, sir? A cuckold-buzz.° |
130 |
BUBBLE By the Lord Harry, ’tis but a scurvy name for a man of honour, that’s the truth on’t; but what is’t to me? |
|
RANGER Nothing, sir, nothing—only you are the man, that’s all. |
|
BUBBLE That’s all, quotha? What a pox does he mean? |
|
MARIA Dull man! I blush to call ye brother; that kind name your want of sense has taken from you.° Can you see the guilty love ’twixt Rashley and your wife, the melting touches and the glancing eyes, the often pressings, sighs, and kind caresses and all the signs of shame and burning lust—and yet be patient? O, the insipid dullness of a husband! A husband! |
|
BUBBLE Rashley and my wife! Pish. Why, I reconciled ’em but just now; she has been angry with him this week for not giving her a squirrel he promised her. |
|
RANGER A squirrel? Ha! A very fine present that, if you understood all. |
145 |
BETTY [aside] Happy discovery! This shall to my lady immediately. |
|
Exit Betty |
|
MARIA That anger was designed.° You are abused, and I, that have a share in all your ignominy, have now resolved prevention. O, that ever I should live to be a witness of this shame! (Weeps) Heaven knows how I have loved her, instructed her, and told her the duty of a wife was to obey and be constant—yet all would not do. Therefore, I am resolved to right myself and you in the discovery, nor shall our race in future times be branded with any spurious offspring. |
|
RANGER I could not be believed—I was impertinent—but if you knew what I have seen, sir. |
155 |
BUBBLE Seen! Why, prithee what hast thou seen, Ned? |
|
RANGER Faith, ’twill be no secret long; therefore, I’ll tell you. I have seen her lie in Rashley’s arms and kiss him; play with his nose, and clap° his cheeks, and laugh till her whole frame was shook with titillation. I guess, sir, ’twas at you, but will not swear it. She’d sing and breathe upon him, and, with her hand locked fast in his and eyes with rapture gazing on his face, she’d tell him wanton stories of her love and of her easy husband. He, to requite her, would display her charms and betwixt every word imprint a kiss to prove his amorous argument. |
|
BUBBLE And you have seen this? |
|
RANGER More than this, sir, I have seen—but to tell you is to be called impertinent—such things, such monstrous things. |
|
BUBBLE My head begins to ache. All is not well. Prithee, Ned, out with ’em. Come, I am thy friend and, ‘sbud, if I thought anything were done in hugger mugger— |
|
MARIA What would you do then? |
|
BUBBLE Do! Why, I’d ask him civilly whether his meaning were good or no. |
|
RANGER His meaning? |
175 |
BUBBLE Ay. You know ’tis best to begin mildly, that afterwards, if occasion be, a man may cut his throat with greater assurance. |
|
[Enter Betty, unseen] |
|
MARIA Stare on your infamy with eagle-aspect!° Behold the evidence of shame writ in her eyes and actions! See every glance, each touch, each kind embrace; and when you have seen ’em in the very fact, stand coldly unconcerned and ask the meaning. Ah! Curse upon all dullness. |
|
RANGER Let Rashley smile and point his fingers at ye, tell you a story of a quondam mistress—which is indeed your wife—how oft he has lain with her and pleasantly deceived the easy cuckold; yet, as a precedent of excellent nature,° I could advise you still to ask his meaning, his meaning. |
|
MARIA Watch all his actions; and when some kind genius has, to undeceive you, made you a spectator of Rashley—full of hopes and all undressed, entering your bed with a glad lover’s haste—step in, and pull him back, and ask his meaning, his meaning! |
|
BUBBLE My bed! My bed is my castle; and, by the Lord Harry, he that violates it but with a look, my fist shall crush him into mummy.° |
|
RANGER (aside) So! Now he begins to take fire. |
|
BUBBLE He’s a son of a whore, a dog, a bitch, a succubus;° and, if I find this true, I’ll cut him piece-meal, though he were sword-proof and had a witch to his mother. |
|
MARIA Ay, this is meaning now! Go on and prosper. |
|
RANGER These words display a revived sense of honour, nor shall you want encouragement to forward it; and since I see your eyes and understanding are opened, I, as your friend, will give this secret to you. ’Twas my good fortune to hear an assignation appointed between ’em this night at seven o’clock; I guess ’tis now very near the hour. You have a key to the chamber: go thither at the time appointed, and then never trust your friend if you find her not the falsest of women. |
|
[Exit Betty] |
|
BUBBLE If I do, I’ll make her the ugliest in Christendom. For I’ll cut off her nose° and send her to the devil for a New Year’s gift. |
|
MARIA Here she comes. We must not be seen; ’twill spoil all. Talk of going abroad and carry it handsomely,° for fear she mistrusts. |
|
BUBBLE But where shall we meet? |
|
RANGER At my lodging in the Strand,° about half an hour hence. |
|
Exeunt Maria and Ranger. Enter Emilia |
|
EMILIA What, studying, my dear? Come, come; indeed, you must not be so thoughtful. Did you not promise to come and make one at ombre? |
215 |
BUBBLE [aside] Now, if I might be hanged, cannot I speak an angry word. [To Emilia] No, I won’t play; I am busy. I am going abroad for two or three hours. Farewell. |
|
Exit Bubble |
|
EMILIA ’Tis so. Our intrigue tonight is discovered to him, I find by his actions. The infernal colleagues, Ranger and Maria, have been possessing him with some strange resolutions. But since ’tis but what I expected, it gives me the less trouble; and ’tis ten to one but I have a counterplot left that shall undo their policies, though the devil made one in the invention. |
|
Enter Rashley |
|
Did you meet my husband? |
225 |
RASHLEY Yes, but in a strange humour. He looked with so dull an aspect, and returned my salute so coldly and so far from his usual manner, that I more than half fear our intrigue is discovered. |
|
EMILIA Without doubt it is. They have played their parts to discover, and it now belongs to us to study to repel. Come, summon your wits together and advise what’s to be done in so critical a conjuncture. You had a contriving genius once. |
|
RASHLEY Ay, ’tis true, madam, I had once. But this damned champagne has so dulled it that, egad, ’tis now worth little or nothing. Madam, you know my talent in plot is insignificant, but if a rencounter or cutting Ranger’s throat may do the business, I’ll thrust my hand as far as any man. I’ll spoil his plotting, by heaven, say you but the word. |
|
EMILIA No! Fighting will do in any other business better than this. For instead of defending, it blasts my reputation. |
|
RASHLEY The devil take me if I had not like to have forgot that too. Well, I am a dull rogue, madam, that’s the truth on’t. |
|
Enter Betty |
|
BETTY O, madam, you are betrayed! Mr Ranger, by what means heaven knows, has been informed of your assignation. I accidentally overheard him telling it to my master, and Madam Maria, coming in, seconded his story with an extravagant fury; and, in conclusion, ’twas designed that he should pretend business abroad but privately return home and surprise ye. |
|
EMILIA ’Tis as I imagined, and I am glad of this caution. Now we may take breath again. |
|
RASHLEY Gad, and so am I. But is there no way to keep on the plot and deceive ’em still? |
|
EMILIA ’Tis in my head and will have birth presently. Betty, you have Sneak still fast in my chamber? |
|
BETTY Yes, madam, he’s securely locked in, and here’s the key. |
255 |
EMILIA Follow me, then, and do as I directed you. In the meantime, sir, go you to your chamber and put on your gown and nightcap as if you had been in bed; and when you hear me stamp, come out and wonder.° Let me alone° for the rest. I’ll plague ’em with an after-plot.° Away, the minute’s near. |
|
Exeunt Emilia and Betty |
|
RASHLEY What she intends I know not, but am certain of the success by the assurance she does it with. Ha, ’tis a rare creature and, by heaven, is mistress of the sweetest nature, and noblest trust, and most substantial good English principles of any woman in Europe. Well, if cuckolding be a crime, ’tis the sweetest crime in Christendom and has certainly the most practisers. But let that pass; now to my gown and nightcap. |
|
Exit Rashley. Enter Sir Roger, Fumble, Cordelia, and Servant |
|
SIR ROGER ’Sdeath, I have had confounded luck tonight; not a good chance since I begun, nor no mirth neither, there’s the plague on’t. Had I had the liberty to have sung two or three merry catches and have lost my money with a trolly lolly lo, it had been nothing. [To Servant] Here. Hey. Where’s Cob? Call him hither quickly, and let us go. |
|
SERVANT Sir, I have not seen him these two hours; I believe he’s gone home. |
275 |
SIR ROGER How! What, without taking leave of his mistress? ’Tis impossible. |
|
[Exit Servant] |
|
FUMBLE Sir Roger, you are disturbed, methinks; what is the matter? Ha! Your behaviour seems to publish that— |
|
SIR ROGER No great matter, sir. [Aside] Pox o’ this old fool. |
280 |
CORDELIA Sir, it ill becomes a person of your gravity to be angry on so small an occasion. |
|
SIR ROGER Small! By heaven, madam, ’tis a matter of moment. What, run away without taking leave? In verity, ’tis barbarous and derogates from his birth and breeding, nor can I, though his kinsman, excuse — |
|
FUMBLE What does Sir Roger say, madam? Does he rally? Ha! He’s a merry man and a good fellow and, i’fack, I love mirth. For my part, I hate your drowsy, insipid, phlegmatic fellows that sleep over a glass and talk of nothing but state politics. But Sir Roger is a man for the purpose, a merry, jolly man he. |
|
SIR ROGER Sir, you may spare your commendations for them that delight in ’em. [Aside] What an impertinent old fellow ’tis. [To Fumble] Pray, sir, no more of this. I am not pleased with it. |
|
FUMBLE Your song of Sir Thomas Fairfax and the rest of the brave old fellows° was very fine, Sir Roger. Well! I’ll not be positive, but there was certainly a great deal of judgement and sheer wit in some of those Rump songs.° |
|
SIR ROGER [aside] ’Sdeath, this is the most insufferable old fellow. [To Fumble] Pox, tell not me of Rump songs. Sir, in verity, would you had been hanged up instead of the Rump° that I might have been free from the noise. But, madam, as I was saying, upon my honour, I never knew Cob in such an error. |
|
FUMBLE Then, Sir Roger, ‘Chevy Chase’° and ‘The Hunting of the Hare’° is finely penned! Finely penned! I’fack it was. |
|
SIR ROGER Oh, the devil! Is there no riddance of this clack? Because he can hear nothing, he would speak all. |
305 |
FUMBLE Ay, so it was, sir, so it was. But i’fack that ‘Hunting’ was most excellently contrived. Ah, he makes the dogs speak notably, ’icod, and the hare repartees again very well for an animal of her magnitude.° |
|
SIR ROGER ’Sbud, I shall grow as deaf as he if I stay longer. I must go seek my nephew. Come, madam, let’s go away and leave him. I am sure his eyes are so defective, he can’t miss us presently. |
|
Exeunt Sir Roger and Cordelia |
|
FUMBLE And though some petulant, insignificant, and disaffected persons° have raised calumnies by calling it doggerel and fustian and such like, yet, i’fack, the thing is really a witty, facetious, nay, and, as some think, a moral satire. For mark me, Sir Roger, and madam, pray give your attention, for the dogs were hieroglyphic characters of fanatics, as the hare was of the Quakers;° and i’fack I have often heard the sisters° sing it instead of an hymn or an anthem for the conversion of unbelievers; and, nay, and as a greater rarity I have heard it acted to the life betwixt a dog-fanatic and a cony-Quaker.° But, i’fack, I think you mind me not. Ha, Sir Roger? Madam? Sir Roger? Madam? What, a vacuity?° Gone? Well. (Pulls out spectacles) I’ll after and redeem all, but, ‘icod, this was a little uncivil. |
|
Exit Fumble. Enter Ranger, Betty with a candle. She sets it on the table |
|
BETTY Come, sir, and with as little noise as you can for fear of discovery. I swear, were you not a man to whom I am sensibly obliged,° I should not be drawn to this infidelity. |
|
RANGER I will reward thy care. Are they together? |
330 |
BETTY (pointing to the little door) Yes, sir, in that room there. |
|
RANGER [hands money to Betty] Take this and begone. I have no further service for thee, and I would have her ignorant that this is thy discovery. Away. |
|
BETTY (aside) The discovery will add little to your content. But since I have the profit, I care not. |
335 |
Exit Betty. Enter Bubble and Maria |
|
BUBBLE Ned! What says she? Are they met? |
|
RANGER Securely and with a great deal of content; they are in that room in the dark—met! Ah, sir, they are both better practised than ever to be tardy in a love intrigue. |
|
MARIA (aside) Now I think I have trapped her finely. O, my joy! I shall not be able to contain myself. |
|
BUBBLE A man of wit and honour thus abused! ’Tis horrible! A cuckold! ’Sbud, ’tis a worse name than a conjurer and has more of the devil in’t. But I’ll be so revenged, the world shall tremble at it. I’ll first cut off her hair to affront her family; then the want of a nose shall proclaim her bawd, and the penny-pot poets° shall make ballads on her. |
|
Exit Bubble |
|
RANGER So! This thrives as I would have it, and we have snapped ’em finely in the nick, just when the intrigue was at its best perfection! O revenge! |
|
MARIA Ha, ha, ha! Nay, and at such a time when all help is denied ’em: when her blushes, sighs, and entreaties are all fruitless; when her exasperated husband’s rage flows high; and, best of all, when Rashley is defenceless. O wit, I love thee for this stratagem! |
|
RANGER She dared us to persevere, slighted our plots, and had the confidence to make descriptions of her kind intrigue before her husband’s face, then laughed at us. |
|
MARIA ’Tis now our time. Ha, ha, ha! I thought I could not fail. |
|
RANGER No, and this happy minute brings me more perfect pleasure and more true delight than pristine ages.° For she’s one whom hell designed for its chief instrument; she will out-lie a siren, cheat the devil, and damn more souls to further her intrigue than Charon’s boat° has room for. (Aside) Yet I own a kind of mongrel love° and must enjoy her, though legions were her guard. |
|
A shriek offstage |
|
MARIA Hark! He’s as good as his word. Now I hope she’ll own her sister’s wit above her. Well, this was rarely plotted! |
|
RANGER By heaven, it was, and fit to be chronicled, madam. Your wit surpasses human thought and should be spoken of with wonder. You plot with such assurance that— |
|
Enter Emilia |
|
Hell! Death and confusion! Can I believe my eyes? She here! |
|
MARIA I am confounded and have lost my senses. Sure, sir, we dream. Are we awake, think you? |
|
EMILIA [to Maria] No, nor shall never wake when I design to raise my wit above the poor, weak creatures. I could laugh now, but I swear I pity ye. Wear out your tedious nights in dull design, and then, i’ th’ morning, hatch the abortive brood which ere night turns to nothing—slender encouragement, heaven knows, for wit. [To Ranger] And you, sir, plot and sweat and plot again for moonshine in the water°—poor reward, sir, for one so well skilled in intrigue as you are! |
|
MARIA O that I had thy heart here in my hand! How pleasant were the diet!° Fate and death! Was ever such a devil? |
|
RANGER No, never! (Kneels) Therefore, since thou art a devil, as I now am sure thou art, have mercy on me and do not take my soul for my first crime, and I will plot no more. Thou art my conqueror. I’ll honour thee. Good devil, do not hurt me. |
|
Shrieking offstage. Enter Bubble, dragging in Mrs Snare |
|
BUBBLE Strumpet! Whore! Witch! I’ll spoil your curls, by the Lord Harry. [Spies Emilia] O Lord, my wife! [Looks upon Mrs Snare, aghast] And she that I have beaten, a stranger! |
|
MRS SNARE O heaven! (Weeps) Was ever poor sinner so abused? |
|
Bubble looks amazedly at his wife, then at Mrs Snare, then at a lock of black hair in his hand |
|
BUBBLE Madam, I beg your pardon and am ashamed of my fault, but I’ll make you amends presently. |
|
RANGER(to Emilia, kneeling) Well, nothing but the greatest devil could have brought this woman hither for this intrigue; and, therefore, once more I acknowledge thy power. |
|
BUBBLE Ay! You had need ask her pardon. ’Tis you have betrayed us. [To Emilia] Chicken, dear chicken, don’t frown so. I confess I was a fool; but forgive me but this once, and if ever I offend again, I’ll give thee leave to cuckold me indeed. |
|
EMILIA Indeed, sir, your jealousy is a little severe. I wonder what I have done to deserve it. |
|
BUBBLE Nothing. I know thou hast not. Prithee forgive me. |
|
EMILIA But to be disturbed thus when I was at my devotion.° |
|
BUBBLE Prithee forget it. Come, Tom, you may come out now; here’s none but friends. |
|
EMILIA (stamps with her foot) Who do you mean, sir? |
|
BUBBLE Tom Rashley. Poor fellow, I warrant now he’ll be so bashful. |
|
RANGER So, that’s something yet, and I’ll fetch him out or bleed for’t. |
|
Exit Ranger. Enter Rashley at the other side |
|
EMILIA Look, yonder he is! |
|
MARIA I find it now, and this is all designed. O devil, devil! |
|
Enter Sir Roger after Rashley |
|
SIR ROGER What’s the matter, Mr Rashley? What’s the matter? |
|
BUBBLE Rashley here? Hey day! Who the devil is that yonder then? |
|
Enter Ranger, dragging out Sneak |
|
RANGER Come, sir, appear; I find you are now no Hercules.° Ha! Death, more miracles, Sneak! | |
SIR ROGER ’Sdeath, my Cob—and taken with a wench! Why, how now, sirrah? |
|
EMILIA [aside to Rashley] Now it works to my wish. Prithee observe how they look. |
|
RASHLEY Hush. I do. |
|
SNEAK O Lord, uncle, your mercy. I was betrayed, seduced, as a man may say. (To Mrs Snare) Go, go. Begone; I’ll speak with you tomorrow. [To Sir Roger] I say, uncle, I was seduced, choused, cheated. |
|
SIR ROGER Catched with a wench? Come, sir, I’ll talk with you. O disgrace to the family! With a wench? A lewd wench? Come along, sir. I’ll watch you henceforth. |
|
Exeunt Sir Roger and Sneak |
|
RASHLEY Ha, ha! Why, here has been a great deal of intrigue tonight I see, ha, sir? (Gapes)° I am sorry now I went to bed so soon, but I have been in the sweetest dream yonder. |
|
BUBBLE Here has, in troth, been a great deal of intrigue, as thou say’st, Tom, but, no matter, now all’s well. And since it has happened so well, a day of jubilee shall crown it. Tomorrow is my wedding day,° and, in memory of that happy hour that conjoined me and my sweet chicken there together, we’ll have a feast, and I’ll sing, and roar, and drink cum privilegio. Go, wait on her in, Tom. [To Emilia] Chicken, remember we are friends. Go; I’ll be with you presently. |
|
Exeunt Rashley and Emilia, Rashley bowing scornfully to Ranger and Maria |
|
RANGER Never was such a day, nor such a deed. |
|
BUBBLE Ned! Let me have no more of your doubts nor counsels. D’ee hear? ’Sbud, I say once more my wife is the honestest woman in Christendom, and you shall hear from me.° |
|
Exit Bubble |
|
MARIA Was ever the like known? |
|
RANGER Never since Adam, but she was a devil before the creation. |
|
MARIA I’ll not give over thus. |
|
RANGER Nor I. |
445 |
MARIA Your hand on’t. |
|
RANGER [clasps her hand] Here. And may all the demons that have power in subtle plots help now, though never more. |
|
MARIA I’ll die, but I’ll perform it. |
|
My slights shall with immortal wit be wrought, |
450 |
And all my senses shall convert to thought. |
|
Exeunt |
|
[A room in Sir Roger’s house]
Enter Sir Roger and Sneak
SIR ROGER Sirrah, haunt me no more; I know thee not. |
|
SNEAK Nay, uncle. |
|
SIR ROGER Go to your wench and let her entertain you; then stock Sir Jeremy’s manor-house at home with bastards—birds of night°—and teach ’em all to know their father when you ha’ done. |
|
SNEAK Good uncle, let me speak. |
|
SIR ROGER No place to bring your cattle to but thither, under your mistress’s nose, thou most notorious ass? Mercy o’ me, what will this world come to? Who could imagine that sheep’s face of thine; that mouth, whence ne’er came anything that had sense; that person, that has as oft been thought a Puritan as thou hast been a fool; then that hanging-dog look? I’ll say no more, but the devil is subtle. |
|
SNEAK Uncle, you know ’tis an old saying: we cannot appoint our own destinies,° nor did I foresee this. Besides, sir, if you knew her as well as I do, you’d find the woman has some parts that are not contemptible. ’Sbud, I know what’s what. I am not such a fool. |
|
SIR ROGER Not such a fool! In verity, if thou were but a grain nearer to a natural,° I’d beg thee of the king and adopt another to inherit thy estate.° Not such a fool! |
|
SNEAK No, so I say, sir, since you go to that.° Whoop! What a pox! You have forgot since you were young yourself? |
|
SIR ROGER I, young? Why, sir, I hope I got no bastards. |
|
SNEAK No. But you kept whores, that you did, and that’s all one, bona fide. |
|
SIR ROGER [aside] This rogue has heard all; I must stop his mouth. [To Sneak] How, sirrah, I kept whores? |
|
SNEAK It has been thought so, sir, since you go to that. Nay, ’tis no such miracle nowadays; there’s many an old badger about town does the like. ’Tis grown a custom now. |
|
SIR ROGER But ’tis not so customary with your uncle, sir. But, come, pray express yourself. What women do the infamous world lay to my charge? |
|
SNEAK What women! ‘Bud, are you ignorant? Hum. Nan, Peg, Joan of the dairy, Sara, Jenny, Dorothy, Mary, Bridget. |
|
SIR ROGER Hold, hold, I say! [Aside] ’Sdeath, he’ll reckon the whole country° presently. I must quiet him; the rogue has me upon the hip.° [To Sneak] Harkee, Cob. |
|
SNEAK Then the parson’s wife, sir, and the old hostess at the town’s end. You see the fool has a good memory. |
|
SIR ROGER A waggish one I see thou hast. Ha, if thou couldst remember law cases as well, thou wouldst be a brave fellow. Why, Cob, thou think’st thou hast paid me off now, dost not? |
|
SNEAK I know not. If my wit flow too fast, sir, I cannot help it. ’Tis a good that’s thrown upon me; ’tis not my seeking. ’Tis true, I have an unhappy way with me sometimes, but ’tis over presently; it never lasts long, that’s one comfort. |
|
SIR ROGER In verity, I see thou hast wit, and now I’ll cherish it. Why, Cob, my instruction is for thy good, child. What will thy mistress think when she hears of it? Come, come, in verity, Cob, ’twas ill done, ’twas i’faith. But mum, no more words on’t. I’ll make all well again. |
|
SNEAK [aside] So, so. I have brought him about finely. ’Sbud, I did not think I had so much wit, but I see a man may be mistaken in his own parts. |
|
SIR ROGER But d’ee hear, Cob, not a word more of these wenches, let the foolish world say what it will. Thou art a good boy in verity; I like thy wit well. Thou know’st I have no heir, and when I die, Cob, I will not say I’ll give thee anything lest I should make thee proud, but expect—expect wonders may fall. Who knows? |
|
SNEAK By Jericho, I would not have spoke on’t now, but that I had nothing else to say, and you know ’tis a disgrace to a scholar to be silent in company. |
|
SIR ROGER ’Tis no matter; ’tis no matter. Prithee how cam’st thou to know that Peg and I were so intimate? |
|
SNEAK Ah, you’ll be angry if I should tell you. |
|
SIR ROGER In verity, not I. Angry? Come, come, out with it, Cob, out with’t. |
|
SNEAK Why, the truth is, I lay with her one night, and the quean told me all. |
|
SIR ROGER Didst thou! God a mercy! [Aside] Damn him! What a snake have I fostered? [To Sneak] Done like a cock o’ th’ game° in verity. Ah, when I was of thy years, I could have done as much myself. |
|
SNEAK Yes, she told me you had done as much. But mum, sir, not a word more; I know my cue. |
|
SIR ROGER [aside] ’Sdeath, I shall be a by-word to th’ town.° |
|
Enter a Servant |
|
How now? |
|
SERVANT Sir Roger, I was just coming to your house for you; my master desires yours and Mr Sneak’s company immediately. |
|
SIR ROGER What, the solemnity holds? This is his wedding-day? |
|
SERVANT Yes, sir. |
|
SIR ROGER Tell him I am coming. |
|
Exit Servant |
|
Come, Cob, let us go; and mum, d’ee hear? You understand me? |
|
SNEAK I warrant you, sir. |
85 |
Exeunt
[Dining room in Bubble’s house] |
|
Bubble, Emilia, Maria, Rashley, Ranger, Cordelia, Fumble sitting at a table |
|
BUBBLE Come, come, another bumper about. My chicken’s health! Here, I am not wet through° yet. Tom, what say’st thou? |
|
RASHLEY With all my heart, sir! O, here comes Sir Roger and his nephew. |
|
Enter Sir Roger and Sneak |
|
SIR ROGER Mr Bubble and gentlemen. [Bows] Your most humble servant. |
|
BUBBLE Yours, good Sir Roger. I am glad to see you, i’faith, and you, sweet Mr Sneak. Well, faith, Sir Roger, we have been bumping it° it about here; we have been dipped,° as the saying is. Tom Rashley, send it round. Come, Sir Roger’s a freshman; he’ll drink an ocean. |
|
RASHLEY Fill every man’s glass there. Mr Ranger, you want it. ’Tis Madam Emilia’s health. |
|
RANGER I’ll do you reason, sir. |
|
All drink |
|
(Aside) And ten to one but I have a stratagem shall dash this mirth. |
15 |
[To Maria] Are they ready? | |
MARIA Hush! We are observed. They are. |
|
BUBBLE So, so. Come, now the song and then the dance. |
|
[Enter Musicians] |
|
Look ye, gentlemen, you must know— |
|
FUMBLE Come, come, Mr Bubble, let’s have t’other soop,° I say. I’fack, we lose time. Ah, sirrah, are you there? Gad, I’ll be with you presently; dust° it about once more, I say. The wine has a pretty smack with’t. It cherishes;° I like it well. Come, another soop, and then do what you will. |
|
BUBBLE Fill wine there! Gentlemen, as I was saying, I got this song made purposely. ’Tis in praise of marriage, and there was not one ready-made of ’em in town.° I searched it all over. |
|
RANGER Were you at the poets’ lodging?° |
|
BUBBLE Yes, but they had none, for they told me ’twas a song would not take.° Besides, they were so busy getting plays up for the next term,° that I could hardly get one made. |
|
SIR ROGER Sir, you needed not have troubled ’em; you once had a very good vein that way° yourself. |
|
BUBBLE Yes, I was mightily given to rapture and flame once. I writ ‘Tom Farthing’.° I had a hand too in ‘Colly my Cow,’° a song that took well, I can assure you. But this is of another kind, in praise of marriage, sir; and they told me the town loved nothing but satires against marriage, and the reason was because they were afraid of being cuckolded, when, alas, poor, silly rogues, there’s no such thing in nature. |
|
RANGER (aside) Well, of all stupid animals, a drowsy° husband is the most notorious. [To Bubble] But I shall change your note presently, I doubt not, sir. |
|
BUBBLE You shall hear, gentlemen. [To the Musicians] Hey, the song there and the dance. |
|
MUSICIANS [sing] |
|
SONG° |
|
Under the branches of a spreading tree |
|
‘Ah, Phillida,’ the angry swain replied, |
|
BUBBLE Well sung, i’faith. Look’ee, gentlemen, is it not as I told you? |
|
SIR ROGER In verity, very well, very well, sir. |
|
BUBBLE Come, now the dance. |
|
Enter Servant |
|
SERVANT Sir, here’s a letter for you. It was left by a porter, who said it required no answer and is gone. |
70 |
RANGER [aside to Maria] So, now for a change of countenance. I think this will do. |
|
MARIA If not, I’ve writ a letter that will; but let’s observe. |
|
Bubble, Emilia, Ranger, Maria, Sir Roger, and Cordelia dance |
|
BUBBLE What the devil has this fellow given me here? A letter? Pray heaven it be no challenge. How? What’s here? (Reads) ‘Sir, That you are blind, I have heard; that you are a fool, I know; and that you are a cuckold, I believe. However, as a friend, though unknown, I am bound in conscience to give you this information: your wife is false, you are abused. The author of your wrong you know as well as yourself, if you know yourself as well as you know Rashley.’ [Aside] O, heaven! Was ever such fate? But, hush, I’ll smother my resentment till they are gone. Come, Sir Roger and gentlemen. There’s a tongue° in the next room. Pray go and eat. I’ll be with you presently. |
|
Exeunt Sir Roger, Sneak, Cordelia, Fumble, Rashley, and Emilia |
|
RANGER [aside] So, I see by this behaviour it takes, and I’ll away lest he should suspect me. Now for my t’other plot. |
|
Exit Ranger |
|
BUBBLE O sister, here’s a new discovery. The devil is come abroad again. |
|
MARIA How? The devil? |
90 |
BUBBLE Ay, in the likeness of a letter. Here, prithee read it; ’tis his character.° I am sure it looks as if ’twere writ with a cloven hoof. Ha! What think’st thou? |
|
MARIA Sir, he calls you fool here. |
|
BUBBLE Ay, he’s a little uncivil, that’s the truth on’t; but what’s to be done, sister? |
|
MARIA A cuckold too. |
|
BUBBLE Ay. Was ever such an impudence? |
|
MARIA I never heard of any, but ’tis no more, sir, than I expected. Alas, ’tis nothing to be a cuckold now. |
|
BUBBLE O, unfortunate estate of marriage! By the Lord Harry, if this be true, I have praised it to fine purpose. But sister, thou wert wont to be kind: prithee advise me. |
|
MARIA ’Tis to no purpose, sir. You know I am envious: my words have double meaning. I did my sister wrong in my last story; pray let me offend no more. |
|
BUBBLE Well, I confess I was to blame, but who the devil could have mistrusted her when the plot was carried so handsomely? |
|
MARIA O, you will find, sir, she has still more plots; and I find you so credulous and so wedded to your infamy that, for my part, I am afraid to have anything to do with it. |
|
BUBBLE Help me but this once and, if I fail thee again, may I be proved a cuckold to the whole county and my case tried in Westminster Hall.° |
|
MARIA Well, once more then I’ll assist you and, to confirm what that letter has informed, know, sir, she is false. And though she frustrated our last plot by her waiting-woman’s means, she certainly met Rashley that night. I am glad you credit a stranger’s letter. For my part, I love her so well, I should have hardly caused a second breach between ye else. But since ’tis out and you desire my assistance, follow me, and ere night I doubt not but to give you sufficient proof of your misfortune. |
|
BUBBLE With all my heart, dear sister. ’Sbud, a cuckold? ’Tis impossible. I ha’ no cuckold’s face. But I’ll be resolved immediately. |
|
Exeunt Bubble and Maria. Enter Ranger and Governess |
|
RANGER Do this; thou shalt command me. |
125 |
GOVERNESS In truth, sir, I am afraid ’twill be discovered, and I would not have my lady know it for the world. |
|
RANGER I swear she never shall. What, dost thou doubt me? Besides, I’ll be so grateful to thee, thou shalt never have cause to repent this courtesy. |
|
GOVERNESS Sir, you know you always might command me in any reasonable thing. Pray speak it again, sir. What would you have me do? |
|
RANGER Why, only plant me in or near her chamber for a design I have; she shall be ignorant why or by what means I got thither. I’ll still be careful of thy reputation. Come, take this purse and prithee do it willingly. |
|
GOVERNESS Well, sir, what you mean I know not; but heaven direct all for the best. I can deny you nothing, sir; I lie in a closet° that joins to her chamber, where you may both overhear and speak to her. |
|
RANGER That above all things! Prithee let’s go. |
140 |
GOVERNESS But for heaven’s sake, take care she knows not that I brought ye thither; I would not be seen in such a business for the world. |
|
RANGER Ne ‘er doubt. I warrant thee I’ll be careful. |
|
GOVERNESS Follow me then, sir. |
|
Exeunt
[A room in Fumble’s house] |
|
FUMBLE Spat. Sirrah! |
|
SPATTERDASH Here, sir, here. |
|
FUMBLE Whither is this rascal gone? Well, i’fack, I am too full of clemency. I must swinge this rogue, or he’ll never be good for anything. He’s at nine-holes° now, I’ll lay my life. A damned villain that spends me three-pence a day,° I know not how. |
|
SPATTERDASH O Lord. Who? I, sir? |
|
FUMBLE Who’s within there? What, will nobody hear me? Am I left desolate?° I have not the plague, I think.° Ha! |
|
SPATTERDASH Why, here am I, sir. I have been here all this while. |
10 |
FUMBLE O, sirrah, are you come? Where have you been, ha? I say, where have you been, rogue? |
|
SPATTERDASH Nowhere, sir, not I. |
|
FUMBLE Sirrah! I must be left alone, must I? And when I have a message to send, go myself? Ha! Sirrah, Mr Little-Pox° has a boy that, though he was stinted at nurse° and is not above pocket-high, can run, and frisk, and jump upon occasion, sirrah; know a bailey by his nose and a wench by her buttocks,° ye rogue; and a good linguist, and a pretty pimp, sirrah; and can hold the door with a steady hand,° ye rogue. But thou, a rascal, a drone, art good for nothing. |
|
SPATTERDASH Anything, sir, I warrant you. Try me, and you shall find I can hold a door as well as he. |
|
FUMBLE Why, how now, sirrah? What? Make mouths at me? Is your master grown your mirth? (Beats him) Ha, this will teach you better; this will new-mould you. I’ll fetch you out of your damned looks, i’fack. French grimaces,° rogue, French grimaces? |
|
SPATTERDASH O Lord, what shall I do? Because he’s deaf and cannot hear me, he thinks I mock him. (Aloud) Hold, sir, for heaven’s sake. Upon my faith, I don’t mock you. ’Tis all a mistake and, sir, you have beaten me for nothing. |
|
FUMBLE What a noise the rogue makes! Why, sirrah, cannot you speak temperately, but you must roar thus? I am not so deaf, but I can hear without this thunder-clap. But you do it in contempt, do you, sirrah? Bless us, to what an impudence this age is grown! But I’ll fetch the devil out, lest he should grow in ye. (Beats him) Thus. I should be loath to see thee hanged till you come to years of discretion.° |
|
SPATTERDASH Mercy o’ me, what a master have I. If I stay long here, I shall be beaten into mummy. |
40 |
FUMBLE Come sir, now I have performed the part of a master and a friend in your castigation, I have now a word or two by way of instruction. Mark me, sirrah, nothing exasperates more than scorn, nor nothing pleases more than observance. A master should be strict in finding occasion to beat his servant, and a servant should be careful in avoiding the beatings of his master. |
|
SPATTERDASH So he has taught me; now I shall be careful of avoiding it hereafter if my legs will carry me. |
|
FUMBLE What? Mouths again, sirrah, mouths again? |
|
SPATTERDASH (Makes a low congee; says nothing) Umph. |
50 |
FUMBLE O, this submission pacifies. Come hither. I have a message for ye, and let me see how you can behave yourself; ’tis a matter of moment. |
|
SPATTERDASH I’ll do my best to please ye, sir. |
|
FUMBLE What dost thou say now? Look, look! Was ever such a rascal as this? This rogue knows well enough that I cannot hear him. Sirrah, come and lay your mouth to my ear and then speak, if you would have me understand ye. |
|
SPATTERDASH Yes, sir, I shall be very careful to remember it hereafter. |
|
FUMBLE Rafters? What rafters, rogue? |
60 |
SPATTERDASH (aloud) Sir, I shall be careful to remember it hereafter. |
|
FUMBLE O, shall you so, sir? And ’twill become you, i’fack. For look’ee, sirrah, ’tis my humour, as long as I am healthy and jovial, to cover failings and imperfections in nature as well as I can. ’Tis a wise man’s virtue, and I have patterns° for’t every day. Ah, here are a sort of jolly, brisk, ingenious, old signiors about town that, with false calves, false bellies, false teeth, false noses, and a false fleering face upon the matter, fill up society as well as ere a masquerading fop of ’em all. But to the matter. Sirrah, you must carry this ring to Cordelia and possess her with my love° in an elegant manner. Stand there and let me see how you can carry yourself in such a business. |
|
SPATTERDASH [bows low] Thus, sir. I had my honours° from the dancing school. |
|
FUMBLE O damned rogue! What a bow’s there? ’Tis worse than a country counsellor’s to a client that has no money.° Sirrah, pull me your hat off thus, with a grace. Ah, I could have done it rarely twenty years ago, but, i’fack, time and gravity defaces all things. Come, sirrah. |
|
SPATTERDASH Madam, my master, too well knowing the charms of your wit and beauty are too sharp at all times to be opposed, has by me sent this ring and humbly desires— |
|
FUMBLE Well, that last honour was pretty well. But come now, let’s hear what you can say. |
|
SPATTERDASH ’Sdeath! He has not heard me all this while. What shall I do? |
85 |
Knocking offstage |
|
O somebody knocks; this was happy. (Aloud) Sir, there’s somebody at door to speak with you. |
|
FUMBLE Go see who ’tis. I’ll follow. |
|
[Exit Spatterdash] |
|
This is a plaguy, dull rogue, but I must have patience and take pains with him. Nor should he do anything in this business, had I not a design in’t, and, i’fack, I like the woman well. She’s young and plump, free in her nature, and of a sanguine complexion,° and, bona fide, I never see her but some secret motions in my blood seem to imply that she is the cause. What? I am not bedrid. I can dance yet, ay, and run and jump too if occasion be—and why not t’other thing?° Come, come; it must, it must. Mine was ever a stirring° family. It must, I say; and she shall know it suddenly. |
|
Exit |
|
[Emilia’s] bed-chamber |
|
MARIA Come softly, sir, and plant yourself here at this back door. I have already made a discovery. |
|
BUBBLE Are they together? |
|
MARIA I believe so. They seldom miss such an opportunity, especially when they think you absent. |
|
BUBBLE No. They are politic, with a pox to ’em. Sister, what revenge, ha? I am resolved to be a tyrant. ’Sbud, I’ll pinch her to death with a pair of tongs. |
|
MARIA O fie! That will be too cruel. |
|
BUBBLE Cruel! By the Lord Harry, ’tis justice, palpable justice. Why, should she live, she’d cuckold the whole nation. |
10 |
MARIA Consider better on’t. ’Tis but a venial crime° and deserves not such rigour. But come, meditate of no revenge till you are certain of the fault. Keep close° at that door. Be sure you discover not yourself till I come to you. I’ll go and observe. |
|
BUBBLE I’ll try my patience, but ’tis a damned cause. |
|
Exeunt Maria and Bubble. Enter Rashley and Emilia |
|
EMILIA Our intrigue as yet goes well. |
|
RASHLEY I swear, to admiration, and had I not seen each passage,° I should have thought ’t had been impossible. (Kisses her hand) O, my dearest! How shall I gratify thee? My love’s too poor and my desert too mean ever to equal it. |
|
Enter Ranger [unseen by Emilia and Rashley] |
|
RANGER I am glad I’ve got air again. This damned old gib-cat has mewed me this half hour into such a hole that, had I stayed a minute longer I had certainly been smothered. It stinks worse than a pothecary’s shop and is furnished with nothing but galley-pots full of nasty oil, into which, groping about, I often thrust my fingers. Faugh! Assafœtida,° as I live! A most intolerable stink! Ah, the devil grind her old chops. Stay; this is sure Emilia’s chamber and, if I am not mistaken, I heard a whispering here. It may be they’re together. I’ll be still and listen. |
|
RASHLEY Our love shall last whole ages, and each kiss add new and fierce desires. Death shall want power to separate us, and envy droop and pine itself away to see its stratagem succeed no better. |
|
RANGER [aside] By heaven, ’tis so. They are here. Blessed minute! Now I shall make a rare discovery. |
|
EMILIA I am confirmed and will proceed in loving. A husband is a dull insipid thing, palled° and grown stale within a week; but a lover appears still new and gay and is to perpetuity the same he was at first—all mirth, all pleasure. |
|
RANGER [aside] A most excellent theme. O, that that property, that fool her husband, stood now to hear this devil of a wife make out this free confession! |
|
RASHLEY He, dull creature, heaven knows, is blind to all your charms. Marriage acts only the decrees of duty; love has the least share in’t. In this age, a husband with a wife is like a bully in a church: the only pleasure he takes is to sleep away the hours should be employed in conjugal duty. |
|
EMILIA Well, I am very glad our plots succeed so well. I swear I was half-frighted t’other day when my sister-in-law Maria discovered us. Was it not done subtly? Did I not fetch all off again with an excellent invention? |
|
RANGER [aside] Good? Rarely good! This devil cannot sure have so much impudence to deny this again. |
|
RASHLEY Ha, ha, ha! By heaven, I’m ready to die with laughing when I think what asses we made of ’em. Ranger too, that busy coxcomb. What a fretting and plotting and sweating did he make for nothing! Alas, poor fool. Ha, ha, ha. |
|
EMILIA Ha, ha, ha. |
|
RANGER [aside] O, the devil fleer you. ’Sdeath, am I still their property? I shall have a slice at your nose ere long. I doubt not, my young gallant, I shall dash your mummery. |
|
RASHLEY Come, we lose time. Let talk be our diversion when we are old and can reap nothing else. Our minutes now should all be spent in rapture. [Embraces her] Thus, thus, my sweet. O, that we could live thus ever! How now, what noise is that? |
|
BUBBLE (offstage) Bawds! Strumpets! Whores! Witches! Break open the door there; break open the door. |
|
MARIA(offstage) Fetch a lever° or call the smith° over the way presently. |
|
EMILIA O heaven, my husband and Maria! We are undone. |
70 |
RANGER [aside] ’Tis Bubble’s voice sure. This completes my joy. Now let Beelzebub, if he owes her any kindness, fetch her from hence. I’ll guard this passage. |
|
RASHLEY What! What shall I do, madam? |
|
EMILIA Here quickly. Run into this closet, sir, and jump out of the window into the garden. If you were gone, let me alone for the rest. |
75 |
RANGER Who steps a foot this way, steps on his death; his soul shall not be his a minute. |
|
EMILIA Ha! Ranger here? I am lost in my amazement. |
80 |
RASHLEY° Death and hell! And I defenceless too? O cursed minute! |
|
RANGER No, madam, I’ll secure you from this stratagem. This window shall be no bawd to th’ intrigue now; that I’ll be sure on. |
|
Exit Ranger into the closet |
|
BUBBLE (offstage) Quickly, quickly. A lever, a lever! |
|
RASHLEY No way t’escape? Can I not climb the chimney? Anything to get free this once. O fate, taken i’ th’ midst of our security when we least thought of it! What shall we do? |
|
EMILIA I have it. Come hither. Get ye under this table, and diligently listen to what I say. ’Tis ten to one he never searches here. Come, in, in, quickly, and pray the rest may prosper. |
|
RASHLEY I never had more need of prayers. I’ll try. |
|
Rashley goes under [the] table. Enter Ranger from the closet |
|
RANGER So! That conveyance is fast enough. Now, madam, what think’ee of a fleering jest upon the fool Ranger; the coxcomb, the ass Ranger; and your jolly spleen to laugh? Ha ha! I think the dice are mine now. Now, devil, I have trapped ye. |
|
Knock offstage. Emilia takes out the key o’ th’door |
|
EMILIA [aside] This key may add to my design. |
|
BUBBLE (offstage) Down, down with it. Break it open there. |
|
RANGER What think you of that, madam? Does your husband’s voice refresh you extremely? |
|
EMILIA [aside] Now help me, wit, or I am lost. |
100 |
Emilia goes and puts the key into Ranger’s coat pocket and then lays hold of him and cries out |
|
Help, help there! For heaven’s sake, I am undone, ruined forever. A rape, a rape! Help, help! |
|
RANGER Hell and the devil. What does she mean? |
|
EMILIA Ah, cruel man, cannot these tears prevail? Will nothing stop barbarity? What have I done that could deserve this usage? O, most unfortunate of women. |
|
RANGER Damn her. I shall be finely catched if this hold. I must get away. |
|
Ranger struggles. Emilia holds him |
|
EMILIA A rape, a rape! Help there! For heaven’s sake, help! |
|
Enter Bubble and Maria with a light. They stand amazed |
|
RANGER [aside] By heaven, I am snapped again, catched in my own snare. |
|
EMILIA Has my husband been so much thy friend, and wouldst abuse him thus, thou base man? But heaven forgive thee. |
|
BUBBLE ’Sbud, what’s this I see? Ranger? |
|
MARIA [aside] Ranger here and Rashley absent? I have plotted finely. ’Tis plain now that traitor loves her and has only made me an engine to work his design with more facility. |
|
RANGER [aside] Rashley gone too? Now has the devil, to spite me, conveyed him away in a mist. Here’s like to be fine work towards, but I must stand the brunt, now I am entered. |
|
BUBBLE Now, sir, what a pox make you here with my wife? Ha? |
|
RANGER [aside] So it begins rarely! O, this subtle devil! [To Bubble] Why, sir, as I am a gentleman, and upon my honour— |
|
EMILIA O my dear, a thousand thanks for this deliverance; and by all our love, I charge thee, by our marriage vows, by all our pleasures since and joys to come, I charge you revenge me upon that traitor there. He would have ravished me! O heaven, that ever I should live to be so put to’t! |
|
BUBBLE’Sbud! Ravish my chicken? Ranger, you are the son of a whore, and I shall presume to cut your throat. |
130 |
RANGER Sir, do but hear me. Upon my honour, all this is false. |
|
MARIA (aside) It must be true! What should he come hither for but upon some ill intent? I am resolved I’ll be revenged on him, however. |
|
RANGER [overhearing Maria] ’Sdeath! She against me too? This is worse and worse. |
135 |
BUBBLE Discover the matter, that I may do justice on both sides. |
|
EMILIA Sir, know then, Ranger long has loved me, often solicited me unlawfully. But, finding something in my virtue that shook his designs, his recourse was to make you jealous of me and Rashley, who, poor man, has often told me with sighs how deeply he has resented your unkind suspicions. |
|
BUBBLE Alas, poor fellow! |
|
RANGER [aside] O, confusion! He begins to believe her again. |
|
EMILIA At last, sir, finding his suit to be too troublesome for me to bear, and being loath to vex you with such fooleries, I told Rashley, who promised all assistance imaginable. I desired him also to be careful and watch lest I should be surprised, as tonight, heaven knows, I was. |
|
RANGER Damn her. What a lie is this! Pray, sir, let me speak. |
|
BUBBLE Not in my house, sir. You have talked too much already and, by the Lord Harry, I’ll talk with you anon. But let that pass. [To Emilia] Go on, chicken. |
|
EMILIA At last, sir, this unhappy night, coming hither as I used to do to my devotions, he, it seems, having corrupted some of my servants, got into the closet and thence came and surprised me, first locking the door and putting the key into his pocket. |
|
RANGER I, a key? Sir, as I live, I saw none. This is the most notorious lie. |
|
EMILIA O wretched man! Was it not crime enough to make such an attempt, but you must persist in falsehood? [To Bubble] Sir, he has it now about him there in that pocket. I saw him put it in. |
|
RANGER This pocket? Why, thou devil! Ha! |
|
Ranger puts his hand in’s pocket, pulls out a key |
|
’Sdeath, how came it here? Magic, witchcraft, the devil, and all combine against me! Would I were well out. If ever I plot again— |
|
MARIA [aside] ’Tis evident now he would have ravished her. Locked her in for the purpose. [Softly, to Ranger] Perfidious traitor, see me no more. |
|
RANGER A very fine business, this! |
|
BUBBLE Is it so, sir? I’ll do your business for you. |
|
Bubble goes to run° at Ranger and overthrows the table. [Rashley is revealed] |
|
EMILIA [aside] Discovered? I am lost again. |
170 |
BUBBLE’Sbud, Rashley? |
|
RASHLEY [aside] ’Sdeath and hell. What will become of me now? |
|
RANGER How? Rashley under the table? Then fate is mine again. [To Bubble] Now, sir, do you perceive anything yet? |
|
MARIA Stranger and stranger! What can this mean? Or what could they both do here? |
175 |
BUBBLE ’Sdeath! (To Emilia) How came he here? Huh? |
|
RANGER Ay, examine that point closely. Sure this will make for me. |
|
BUBBLE As Gad jidge me, and so I will. Speak, I say. How came he here? |
180 |
EMILIA Nay, heaven knows, not I. I believe for the same design with Ranger.° |
|
RASHLEY [aside] ’Sdeath, she’ll betray me too. |
|
EMILIA Tell him, tell him, sir. Speak for yourself. (Softly) Say anything. |
185 |
RASHLEY Speak? Why, ‘sbud, madam, have I not done as you commanded me? Have I not watched here this two hours to frustrate Ranger’s design? What, d’ee think to make an ass of me? |
|
RANGER How, sir? My design? Damn me, this must not pass upon me, sir. |
190 |
RASHLEY Nor you shall not pass upon my friend here neither, sir. I heard you this evening when you corrupted one of the women to get you into that closet, that you might accomplish with more ease, sir. [To Emilia] But, madam, this is a little unnatural—to make me suspected as his colleague when my design was so far different. |
|
BUBBLE ‘Sbud, I cannot find the meaning of this. |
|
RASHLEY The meaning! Why, sir, she hid me under the table as a defence against Ranger’s insolence. But when she heard you at the door, and knew you were coming in, she conjured me by all the love I bore her to sit still and not discover myself—and all her excuse was your jealousy. Jealousy with a pox! A very fine slight for the abuse she intended to me. [To Emilia] ’Sdeath, madam, my service deserved a better reward, if you consider it. (Aside) Pray heaven this lie prosper! |
|
EMILIA Ha, ha, ha! I knew I should vex him, but I confess ’tis all true. [To Bubble] For, my poor, dear rogue, I am so hourly tormented with fear of thy naughty jealousy, that I dare not tell thee anything. Prithee desert it; do, my dear sweet. I’fads, thou wouldst be the best husband in the world if thou wouldst but leave it. (Kisses him) |
|
BUBBLE Well, it must be so; this cannot be feigned. Come hither to me; I will forsake it. By the Lord Harry, thou art the best wife in Christendom, and I the most ungrateful husband; but forgive, my dear, forgive. (Kisses her) We have all failings, thou knowest. Prithee forgive me. |
|
RANGER [aside] So! Now may I hang myself. ’Sdeath! All the fiends are asses to her.° I’ll be gone for shame, lest worse befall me. Succubus, farewell; There is not such a sorceress in hell. |
|
Exit Ranger |
|
BUBBLE Come. Hast thou sealed my pardon? |
220 |
EMILIA You know the softness of my temper, but your unkind jealousy will kill me one day. |
|
BUBBLE Egad, I’ll kill myself first. Come, prithee no more. [To Rashley] Tom, thy hand too. Come, I know thou canst bear with my frailty. |
225 |
RASHLEY Ay, sir, I can bear well enough, but methought ’twas a little strange to tax me. |
|
BUBBLE Come, come, all shall be well. Faith, we’ll go in and frolic. [To Emilia] O, my dear. Suspect thee? Well, I am a fool, that’s the truth on’t. |
|
Exeunt Bubble and Emilia |
|
MARIA The devil helps her sure; for this was certainly an assignation. I’ll after Ranger and know the truth on’t. |
|
Exit Maria |
|
RASHLEY Ha, ha, ha! Was ever plot carried thus? Sure, never! Her wit has more supplies than I have thoughts, and happily they end still; and Gad, for my own part, I shall love lying the better as long as I live for the success of this. Once more all is well, and he the cuckold still. Ha, ha, ha. I must go in and laugh with her. |
|
Intrigue’s her masterpiece, and all may see, |
|
Exit |
|
[A room in Bubble’s house] |
|
CORDELIA Well, of all creatures that vex mortality, a superannuated lover is certainly the most troublesome, especially to one of my years. Our inequality is so preposterous, and his address so unnatural, that I always entertain rather hate for his person than compliance for his love. From fourscore and five,° heaven deliver me: ’tis an age of doting. Here he comes. I knew I could not be quiet one hour. |
|
Enter Fumble |
|
FUMBLE Sirrah, sirrah! Rogue, rogue! And how and how! Ha! Art thou jolly—blithe—like a bird in a tree? I’fack, I was impatient till I came to see thee. Well, and how fits the ring? Does it shine? Does it glitter? Ha, little black rogue! I’fack, I bought it of the best goldsmith in Cheapside,° a man of good reputation; a cuckold too, and they are always the honestest fellows.° |
|
CORDELIA From henceforth let me desire you, sir, to bestow your presents on somebody else. I sent your ring back by your man. He can best give you an account of it. |
|
FUMBLE Ha! What say’st thou? Counterfeit? I’fack, thou art mistaken, bird, thou art. Bona fide, they are as well cut as any in Christendom, and of the right black water.° What? Dost thou think I’ll put any false stones upon thee,° i’fack? I am more civil, ecod. There! I was waggish. But she’s a witty rogue. She’ll apprehend the jest. |
|
CORDELIA Was ever such an insipid piece of antiquity? Pray, sir, forbear these impertinences and assure yourself: I hate an old fellow for a husband as much as an old gown, or an old piece of wit, that, after forty years’ oblivion, with a new name is published for a new Lenten play.° |
|
FUMBLE What does she say now? But no matter; I’ll go on. Well said, bird; well said. Bona fide, thou hast wit in abundance. That colour and such a sort of nose never fail. But come, we lose time. I know ’tis ordained I must marry thee. I am the man that must gather the rosebuds.° Ah, rogue! I’ll warrant thou’rt a swinger, and, i’fack, that black a-top there fires me strangely. I am all flame and, bona fide, methinks as youthful and mercurial as any spark of ’em all. (Sings) |
|
SONG |
|
And he took her by the middle small, |
|
What think you, madam? Am I old? |
40 |
CORDELIA So old that your presence is more terrible than a death’s head at supper.° For my part, I tremble all over. There’s a kind of horror in all your antic gestures, especially those that you think become you, that fright worse than the devil. (Aloud) Than the devil, sir! |
|
FUMBLE The devil! What of him, bird? Pish, the devil’s an ass—I ha’ seen’t in a play°—and, i’fack, we lose time in talking about so worthless a matter. Lovers should ne’er be slow in their affairs. For, as my good friend Randolph° tells me, nothing is like opportunity taken in the nick, in the nick,° sweetheart. Ecod, I was waggish again. I was waggish again, i’fack. Come, bird, come. |
|
CORDELIA What will you do, sir? Heaven, how he tortures me! |
|
FUMBLE Come along then. I have got a priest ready and paid for the licence and all. Prithee let me kiss thee. I long to practise something that might please thee. Never was man so altered, never! Come, prithee, bird, come. I’fack, I have not patience. |
|
Enter Governess and Sir Roger |
|
GOVERNESS Here’s Sir Roger Petulant. My dear mouse desires to speak a word or two with you. |
|
CORDELIA O here’s some hope of deliverance! [Curtsies] Sir Roger, your humble servant. Come hither, Lettice, and stand just in my place. I am so tortured with this old fellow! Prithee be kind to him, and follow him whither he’d have thee; it may be a husband in thy way and a good estate. |
|
GOVERNESS A husband! Marry, that’s fine. I warrant you, sweet mouse, I’ll be very punctual. |
65 |
CORDELIA[to Sir Roger] So, now let us slip aside and observe. ’Twould be an excellent revenge if he should marry her. He’s coming to her already, and his eyes are so old and dim that he perceives not his mistake. |
|
Cordelia and Sir Roger step aside° |
|
FUMBLE Delays, sweetheart, are dangerous, i’fack. I have considered it. The time I have lived in the world has given me the benefit of knowing more than another of fewer minutes. Along, along, I say. Thou shalt be my queen, my paramour, my Cleopatra, and I will live another age in love and, then, farewell old Simon,° i’fack. Come, come along. |
|
GOVERNESS O sadness! What happy fortune’s this? Well, I’ll go with him. Pray heaven he be blind enough; that’s all I fear. |
|
FUMBLE She seems kinder than usual. I’fack, I have wrought her finely. Come poor rogue, come. |
|
GOVERNESS I am ready, sir. [Aside] |
80 |
Exeunt Governess and Fumble | |
CORDELIA Ha, ha. I am glad I am rid of him anyway. But now, Sir Roger, to your business. I hear your nephew is sick. |
|
SIR ROGER In verity, madam, most dangerously sick, and the cause of my giving you this trouble was, in verity, to give you information of it; for by his melancholy, I find love is the cause. Ah, madam, your last indifference was very prejudicial to him. ’Tis true he denies it, but I am old enough to judge of the contrary and therefore have found out ’tis passion. Nay, passion for you has laid him thus low, and nothing but your smiles can raise him, ’tis gone so far, in verity. |
|
CORDELIA I am sorry, sir, I have the misfortune to be th’ occasion of such a disaster. But is there any remedy? What would you have me do? |
|
SIR ROGER Madam, my suit to you is that you would be pleased to go with me and give him a visit. The surprise of your presence, I am confident, will dissipate his melancholy and perhaps totally banish his distemper. |
|
Enter Maria |
|
But I see we are interrupted. Let’s retire, madam; and if you please, now will be a very good time to visit him. |
|
CORDELIA Softly, sir. I would not have my cousin Maria know anything of it, but if that can do him any good, I’ll not be so cruel to deny it; ’tis an act of charity. Come, sir, I’ll go with you. |
|
SIR ROGER Madam, you oblige us both. |
105 |
Exeunt Sir Roger and Cordelia |
|
MARIA [alone] Still baffled! Sure this cannot last long; the devil will be weary of obliging her in a little time. I have been yonder, sifting Ranger about the last plot, and by all circumstances find what he said was true. And shall I leave off thus poorly? Pish, I cannot for shame. I have truth and honesty on my side. She’s only cunning, and ’tis impossible that should last ever. Once more then have at ’em. I have by several false messages buzzed it again into my brother’s ears. He believes and will once more follow my counsel. Besides, I have here a false key to her chamber and can surprise ’em when they least suspect. This, if Ranger be at all diligent, must needs effect it; for I am resolved not to rest till ’tis done, for the satisfaction of my revenge on that false man. |
|
Exit |
|
[Sneak’s chamber] |
|
SNEAK Uh, uh! |
|
APOTHECARY Nay, sir, if you would have the effects answer your expectation, you must suffer, sir, and be patient. |
|
SNEAK’Oons! I cannot have patience. Sure a civil clap might be cured without all this stir. ’Tis not a miracle in this age. O, Lord! |
|
Enter Sir Roger and Cordelia |
|
SIR ROGER O horrible! What’s this I see? |
|
SNEAK My uncle! O, I am undone, lost forever. |
|
APOTHECARY But, sir, your civil clap might ha’ been an uncivil pox in time. |
|
CORDELIA How, Sir Roger? Was it fit to make me spectator of this object? |
10 |
SIR ROGER The pox? In verity, I have brought his mistress to fine purpose. Ah, damned rascal! The pox? (Aside) What shall I do? I am disgraced forever. |
|
[Scene opens] |
|
CORDELIA Hark ye, sir. Pray what is that there? (Pointing toa sweating-chair° within) |
|
SIR ROGER [aside] What shall I say? Death, she has found out his sweating-chair! [To Cordelia] Why, madam, ’tis—umph—’tis a mathematical engine° they use at Cambridge. Cob was always addicted to study. |
|
CORDELIA ’Twere a fault to hinder him then, sir, being so well employed. Farewell. | |
Exit Cordelia |
|
SIR ROGER She has found it out. Sirrah, see my face no more. From this hour, I abhor thee. A damned rascal! |
|
SNEAK [pleading] Good uncle! |
25 |
SIR ROGER The pox! A sneaking, snivelling rogue! Heavens, was ever the like seen? But ’tis now a general maxim, and your sandy sheep’s face, unthinking villain, is always the greatest whoremaster. |
|
SNEAK Why, by Jericho, it was by chance, uncle. Hab-nab, as a man may say. As I hope to be saved, ’twas against my will. |
|
APOTHECARY Sir, your anger makes an addition to his distemper. |
|
SIR ROGER What? You are his pander, sir, are you? But I think you may be the devil for your honesty, so may ye all. Such as you soothe ’em in vices. I warrant you are tired with such customers. Ha, sir, are you not? |
|
APOTHECARY In troth, sir, my rotten patients are so loath to die, and my sound ones, which, for my art’s improvement, I would make rotten, so hasty to recover, that I confess I am often weary, but not tired, sir. |
|
SIR ROGER So, sir, in verity you are all a company of rascals; and as for his part, I’ll instantly write to his father to disinherit him, that I may revenge my disgrace and punish his folly. The pox! A son of a whore! The pox! |
40 |
Exit Sir Roger |
|
APOTHECARY A mad old fellow, but your penitence will recover all. | |
SNEAK Would you were hanged, by Jericho, for leaving the door open. O, what shall I do? This comes of learning the sciences in the devil’s name. |
|
APOTHECARY Patience, sir, have patience. | |
Scene shuts |
|
Exeunt |
|
[Emilia’s chamber] |
|
RASHLEY A trapdoor, say you, madam? |
|
EMILIA Yes, we happily discovered it yesterday, looking for a ring accidentally dropped. It opens upon the stairs the backside of the kitchen. I am sure ’twill be very necessary in our intrigue. Here, take the candle, you, and go and watch, and when I give the sign, be sure be ready. |
|
BETTY I’ll not fail, madam. |
|
[Exit Betty] |
|
EMILIA ’Tis good to be secure. For I know Maria has still an eye over us, and my husband’s new jealousy gives me fresh cause of doubt.° |
|
RASHLEY Egad, ’tis unnecessary. This trapdoor must needs be very useful. I see fortune is ours still and will not leave us. Let us doubt when we see danger. There is none now, nor can be whilst our love continues. |
|
EMILIA Which I fear will be but a short time. For what is indirect is seldom permanent; therefore, let us consider on’t. |
|
RASHLEY Damn consideration! ’Tis a worse enemy to mankind than malice. Let impotent age consider, that is fit for nothing but dull, tame thoughts of what he has been formerly. Let the lawyer and physician consider what quibbles and what potions are most necessary. And let the sly fanatic think his time out and consider how to be securely factious. But let the lover love on still transported, whilst all his thoughts and senses are employed in the dear joys of rapture, endless passion, without a grain of dull consideration. |
|
EMILIA I swear the softness of our tempers abuses half our sex; we should not else be won so easily. But we are such kind fools! |
|
RASHLEY Ay, we are all fools, madam. That’s the truth on’t; but how shall we help it? |
|
EMILIA Resolve upon a remedy: love no more. |
|
RASHLEY Resolve upon the contrary: love forever. Gad, the world would be at a fine pass if all were of your mind. (Noise of a lock) How now? |
|
Enter Maria with a light |
|
MARIA[to Bubble, who remains offstage] Stand there till I fetch you in; I’m sure they’re here. |
|
EMILIA My sister, as I live! Malicious accident! |
35 |
RASHLEY Ha! With a light too! How the devil got she in? | |
EMILIA Heaven knows, unless with a false key. | |
MARIA Nay, you are caught and finely too. I’m cozened else. What plot now, madam, to convey you hence? Now show your mighty skill; and if there is a devil at your service, employ him now. You never had more cause. Methinks you are melancholy: why d’ee not laugh? Smile at your wit and great security? You, I know, have a thousand ways to get off still or, if you want, that gentleman can supply° you. |
|
RASHLEY I, supply! A plague o’ your damned jest! |
45 |
EMILIA [aside to Rashley] Hush, and leave me to her. [To Maria] Nay, sister, this is barbarous to triumph o’er our misfortunes. You know yourself what love is and what inconveniences it brings poor women to. |
|
MARIA You can confess now; and here’s a gentleman not far off, your husband, madam. I know this cannot choose but be grateful to him; I’ll call him to hear it. |
|
EMILIA Ah, be not so cruel to undo me quite. I’ll confess all to thee and from this minute be converted. Ah, had I taken thy counsel before, I had been happy. |
|
MARIA Ay, but you would persist, and now see what comes on’t. |
|
EMILIA O, I am miserable! Forgive me, dear Maria! (Weeps) |
|
MARIA Nay, heaven forgive you. But come, will you confess? (Aside) I have her at a rare advantage. |
|
EMILIA Most faithfully; but let me do’t i’ th’ dark. Let no light see my guilty blushes; it is enough my tongue dares utter it. Dear sister, let me not be too much ashamed. O misery, misery. (Weeps) |
|
MARIA Well, here is a light not far off, and thus much I’ll comply with you. (Puts out the light) Now begin. |
|
RASHLEY [aside] By heaven, I grow cheerful. We shall ‘scape, I am sure we shall. O this dear devil! |
|
EMILIA My grief ties up my tongue. |
|
MARIA ’Tis time to grieve. But, come, when d’ee begin? |
|
EMILIA This cruel man seduced me, cruel Rashley. (Aside) Where are you, sir? |
70 |
RASHLEY (softly) Here, sweet, here. |
|
EMILIA First won upon me with his comely presence, handsome demeanour. Every several° grace my soul admired. (To Rashley) Give me your hand. [To Maria] But when he came to speak, his tongue, his charming tongue—O heaven, that I shall live to utter it!—so ensnared me that I no longer knew my liberty, but as his victim, gloried in my passion. |
|
MARIA With shame you live to speak it. |
|
RASHLEY ‘Twas my misfortune too. [Aside] But heaven forgive me, I shall laugh out. I am not able to hold. |
80 |
EMILIA Down, quickly down. |
|
Emilia and Rashley sink in the trap |
|
MARIA Now could I laugh till my heart ached again to think how I have caught ’em. I knew ’twas impossible she should ‘scape always, and I will tyrannize more than a Turk over his slave.° For my part, I am sorry for your infamy, and were it not that by the laws of nature I have a great concern in any of my brother’s injuries, you might love on for me. But since my blood runs in his veins, I dare not see his infamy and let it pass unquestioned. Therefore, either swear from this hour to desert Rashley and never see him more, or your disgrace I will this instant publish or call your husband to be spectator of his shame and yours. What? Are ye dumb? Not answer me! It seems you dislike this proposal, but do not provoke me. Not yet? [Calling to Bubble, offstage] Nay then, within there? Brother, here they are; a light, a light, quickly! |
|
Enter Bubble with a light and long sword |
|
BUBBLE Where? Where is this traitor? This strumpet? By ‘Scanderbeg,° I am ready for a charge. I’ll push him with a vengeance. Where is he? |
|
MARIA Here, here! How now? What, are you got under the table again or into a corner? Give me the candle, brother. I am sure I have ’em fast.° (Looks about) |
|
BUBBLE Here’s nothing: another mistake, as Gad jidge me. |
|
MARIA She is a devil, and I lose my labour. Gone? What, both gone? O, I could tear myself! Which way? How? By what means could they escape? |
|
BUBBLE ‘Scape? ’Sbud! ’Tis impossible they should escape if they were here. Pish, this is only one of your maggots,° sister. You do but fancy you saw ’em. |
|
MARIA Fancy? Eternal light forsake me if I did not both see and speak to ’em two minutes since—heard her confess the crime and vow repentance—here, in this very place. But by what means they ’scaped, I only can admire, not imagine. |
|
BUBBLE Prithee hold thy peace. I say once more ’tis only a maggot. Sleep, fool, and purge thy head from fancies. |
|
Enter Ranger and Betty behind |
|
How now, Ned? |
|
RANGER Sir, I know not whether the news I bring may please you, but I have made a strange discovery yonder. |
115 |
BUBBLE Discovery! Of what, prithee? |
|
RANGER Sir, I saw Rashley and your wife going laughing, arm in arm, through the entry, the backside of the kitchen into the parlour, where, if you please to give yourself the trouble, you may find ’em. |
|
BETTY [aside] This is as my mistress suspected, and I’ll inform her immediately. |
|
[Exit Betty] |
|
BUBBLE Hey day! My wife and Rashley? Art sure on’t, Ned? |
|
RANGER As sure, sir, as I live. I saw ’em there. Nay, what’s more, my curiosity inducing me to peep through the key-hole, I saw his head lie in her lap, whilst she, with a fond passion, stroked his cheeks and dallied with his hair. Faith, sir, I could not see this and be silent, but you, I fear, will think the worse of me for it. |
|
BUBBLE In the parlour, say’st thou? ’Sbud, was ever such a confusion? Why, my sister says that within these two minutes she saw and spoke to ’em here in this chamber. They are here, and there, and everywhere, and yet I can find ’em nowhere. What a pox should a man think of this? |
|
RANGER They are there this instant, sir, upon my honour. |
135 |
MARIA Sure, I have not dreamt all this while! Did I not see her?° By heaven, I saw the devil in her likeness then. |
|
BUBBLE Why, peace, I say. If you are mad, offend no-one but yourself with it. What a pox, shall I not believe my eyes? The house is not haunted that I know of, unless it be with fools. There’s a bob for you by way of conclusion. |
|
MARIA Yes, cuckolds too! There’s a bob for you by way of repartee. |
|
BUBBLE Cuckold? I’d have you to know I scorn your words; and were you not my sister, I’d fetch you out° with your repartees. What? Because you are a fool, you guess all persons are alike? Do you but conceive me, Mrs Juniper?° I am a Turk at matter of fact when I see occasion. |
|
RANGER Good sir, no more of this; but go down and satisfy yourself in the truth of my story. If I tell you a lie, call me fool, horse, anything. Do but go and see. |
150 |
BUBBLE’Sbud, I know not what to do. One brings me up; another carries me down. One jilts me; another abuses me. A third laughs at me; and yet I find nothing, nor see nothing, nor know nothing, and you are nothing but fools to make all this stir about nothing. But come; I’ll go with thee, Ned. |
|
MARIA And I, that I may say once in my life I saw a miracle. |
|
RANGER I have her once more in the noose of the slip;° now the devil hold her fast in th’ other world. ’Tis above mortal power! Come, sir. |
|
Exeunt |
|