FRIENDSHIP IN FASHION

THOMAS OTWAY

Archilochum rabies armavit iambo°

To the Right Honourable Charles, Earl of Dorset and Middlesex, Gentleman of his Majesty’s Bed-chamber, etc.°

My lord,

Your lordship has so often and so highly obliged me, that I cannot but condemn myself for giving you a trouble so impertinent as this is. Considering how remiss I have been in my respects to your lordship,° in that I have not waited on you so frequently as the duty I owe your lordship and my own inclinations required; but the circumstances of my condition,° whose daily business must be daily bread, have not, nor will, allow me that happiness. Be pleased then, my lord, to accept this humble dedication as an instance of his gratitude who, in a high measure, owes his well-being to you. I cannot doubt but your lordship will protect it, for nothing ever flew to you for succour unsuccessfully. I am sure I have reason to acknowledge it. As for the unlucky censures some have passed upon me for this play,° I hope your lordship will believe I hardly deserve ’em. For, to my best remembrance, when first I was accused of the thing° by some people of the world, who had perhaps as little reason to think I could be guilty of it as to believe themselves deserved it, I made it my business to clear myself to your lordship, whose good opinion is dearer to me than anything which my worst enemies can wrong me of else. I hope I convinced your lordship of my innocence in the matter, which I would not have endeavoured had it not been just. For I thank my stars I know myself better than (for all the threats some have been pleased to bestow upon me) to tell a lie to save my throat. Forgive me, my lord, this trouble; continue me in your lordship’s favour and good opinion and accept of the prayers and well-wishes of

5 10 15 20 25

Your most humble and most obliged servant, Thomas Otway

30

THE CHARACTERS OF THE PLAY°

Prologue

Spoken by Mr Smith

How hard a task hath that poor drudge of stage

That strives to please in this fantastic age?

It is a thing so difficult to hit,

That he’s a fool that thinks to do’t by wit.

Therefore our author bade me plainly say,          5

You must not look for any in his play.

I’ th’ next place, ladies, there’s no bawdy in’t,

No, not so much as one well-meaning hint.

Nay more, ’twas written every word he says

On strictest vigils and on fasting days,°          10

When he his flesh to penance did enjoin—

Nay, took such care to work it chaste and fine,

He disciplined himself at every line.°

Then, gentlemen, no libel he intends,°

Though some have strove to wrong him with his friends;          15

And poets have so very few of those,

They’d need take care whose favour ’tis they lose.

Who’d be a poet? Parents all beware,

Cherish and educate your sons with care.

Breed ’em to wholesome law, or give ’em trades;          20

Let ’em not follow th’ muses—they are jades. °

How many very hopeful rising cits

Have we of late known spoiled by turning wits?

Poets by critics are worse treated here,

Than on the Bankside butchers do a bear. °          25

Faith, sirs, be kind, since now his time is come,

When he must stand or fall as you shall doom.

Give him Bear Garden law; that’s fair play for’t,°

And he’s content for one, to make you sport.

1.1

The Mall°

Truman, reading a billet, and Serving Boy

TRUMAN In a vizard, say you?
SERVANT Yes, sir, and as soon as she had delivered it, without anything more, gave the word to the coachman, drew up the tin lattice,° and away she hurried.
TRUMAN The meaning of a billet of this nature without a name is a riddle to me. (Reads) ‘You know me and see me often. I wish I may never see you more, except you knew better where to place your love, or I were abler to govern mine. As you are a gentleman, burn this so soon as it comes to your hands. Adieu.’ Well, this can be no other than some staunch virtue of thirty-five that is just now fallen under the temptation or, what is as bad, one of those cautious dealers that never venture but in masquerade, where they are sure to be wondrous kind, though they discover no more to the lover than he has just occasion to make use of.	5 10
Enter Goodvile and Valentine
VALENTINE Truman, good-morrow. Just out of your lodging? But that I know thee better, I should swear thou hadst resolved to spend this day in humiliation and repentance for the sins of the last.	15
GOODVILE I beg your pardon! Some lady has taken up your time. Thou canst no more rise in a morning without a wench than thou canst go to bed at night without a bottle. Truman, wilt thou never leave whoring?	20
TRUMAN Peace, matrimony, peace. Speak more reverently of your dearly beloved whoring. Valentine, he is the mere spirit of hypocrisy. He’d hardly been married ten days, but he left his wife to go home from the play alone in her coach, whilst he debauched me with two vizards° in a hackney to supper.	25
VALENTINE Truly, Goodvile, that was very civil and may come to something. But, gentlemen, it begins to grow late. Where shall we dine?
TRUMAN Where you will. I am indifferent.	30
GOODVILE And I.
VALENTINE I had appointed° to meet at Chatelins,° but—
TRUMAN With whom?
VALENTINE Why, your cousin, Malagene, Goodvile.
GOODVILE Valentine, thou art too much with that fellow. ’Tis true indeed he is some relation to me, but ’tis such a lying varlet, there is no enduring of him.	35
VALENTINE But rogues and fools are so very plenty, ’tis hard always to escape ’em.
TRUMAN Besides, he dares be no more a friend than a foe. He never spoke well of any man behind his back, nor ill before his face. He is a general disperser of nauseous scandal, though it be of his own mother or sister. Prithee let’s avoid him if we can today.	40
GOODVILE ’Twill be almost impossible, for he is as impudent as he is troublesome. As there is no company so ill but he’ll keep, so there is none so good but he’ll pretend to. If he has ever seen you once, he’ll be sure of you. And if he knows where you are, he’s no more to be kept out of your room than you can keep him out of your debt.	45
VALENTINE He came where I was last night roaring drunk. Swore, damn him, he had been with my lord such a one, and had swallowed three quarts of champagne for his share, said he had much ado° to get away, but came then particularly to drink a bottle with me. I was forced to promise him I would meet him today to get rid of him.	50
GOODVILE Faith, gentlemen, let us all go dine at my house. I have snubbed him of late, and he’ll hardly venture that way so soon again. At night I’ll promise you good company. My wife—for I allow her for my own sake what freedom she pleases—has sent for the fiddles to come.	55
TRUMAN Goodvile, if there be any such thing as ease in matrimony, thou hast it. But methinks there’s, as it were, a mark upon married men that makes ’em as distinguishable from one of us as your Jews are from the rest of mankind. °	60
GOODVILE O there are pleasures you dream not of. He is only confined by it that will be so. A man may make his condition as easy as he pleases. Mine is such a fond, wanton ape,° I never come home but she entertains me with fresh kindness,° and, Jack, when I have been hunting for game with you and missed of an opportunity, stops a gap well enough.	65
TRUMAN There’s no condition so wretched but has its reserve.° Your spaniel turned out of doors goes contentedly to his kennel. Your beggar, when he can get no better lodging, knows his old warm bush. And your married whoremaster that misses of his wench goes honestly home, and there’s madam wife. But, Goodvile, who are to be the company at night?	70
GOODVILE In the first place, my cousin Victoria, your idol, Jack Truman; then, Mr Valentine, there will be the charming Camilla; and another that never fails upon such an occasion, the unimitable Lady Squeamish.	75
TRUMAN That indeed is a worthy person, a great critic forsooth; one that censures° plays and takes it very ill she has none dedicated to her yet,° a constant frequenter of all masquerades and public meetings, a perfect coquette, very affected and something old.	80
VALENTINE Discourses readily of all the love intrigues of the court and town, a strange admirer of accomplishments and good breeding, as she calls it, a restless dancer. One that by her good will would never be out of motion.	85
TRUMAN How, Valentine! You were once a great admirer there. Have a care how you speak too harshly of your mistress, though the business be over. You stand well with the ladies yet and are held a man of principles.	90
GOODVILE That indeed is a fine creature. Your old harassed stager° has always some such resty° whore-master or another, whom she makes the best of her despair withal and, after being forsaken by half the town besides, comforts herself in her man of principles. But now I think on’t, we delay too long. I’ll go before and prepare. Gentlemen, you’ll be sure to follow?	95
TRUMAN Sir, we’ll not fail to wait on you.
Exit Goodvile
Boy, is the coach ready?
[Exit Serving Boy]
Valentine, I have had the oddest adventure this morning
Enter Malagene
Ha! Malagene! How came he hither?	100
MALAGENE Jack Truman, Monsieur Valentine, bonjour. Was not that Goodvile I met coming in, ha?
VALENTINE Yes, he parted hence but now.
MALAGENE Faith, I’ll tell ye what, gentlemen. Goodvile’s a very honest fellow as can be, but he and I are fallen out of late, though faith ’twas none of my seeking.	105
TRUMAN No, I’ll be sworn for thee, thou lov’st thyself better.
VALENTINE Pray, what was the matter, Malagene?
MALAGENE Why, I was advising him to look after things better at home. The fellow has married a young wife, and there he lets her make balls and give entertainments. I was very free with him and told him of it to the purpose. For faith, I should be sorry to see any ill come on’t, very sorry.	110
TRUMAN But, hark ye, Malagene, Goodvile’s a sort of a surly companion and apt to have so good an opinion of himself that he is able° to manage affairs without your advice. He might have been very severe with you upon this occasion.	115
MALAGENE Severe with me! I thank you for that with all my heart. That had been the way to have made a fine piece of work on’t indeed! Hark ye, under the rose,° he’s sweetly fitted° with my cousin though.	120
VALENTINE Pray, sir, speak with more respect. We are his friends and not prepared to relish any of your satire at present.
MALAGENE O Lord, sir! I beg your pardon. You are a new acquaintance there, I remember, and may design an interest. Faith, Ned, if thou dost, I’ll ne’er be thy hindrance, for all she’s my kinswoman.	125
TRUMAN The rascal, if he had an opportunity, would pimp for his sister, though but for the bare pleasure of telling it himself.
MALAGENE Now, when he comes home, will she be hanging about his neck with, ‘O Lord, dear, where have you been this morning? I can’t abide you should go abroad so soon, that I can’t. You are never well but when you are with that wicked, lewd Truman and his debauched companion, young Valentine. But that I know you are a good dear, I should be apt to be jealous of you, that I should’. Ha, ha.	130 135
TRUMAN Sir, you are very bold with our characters, methinks.
MALAGENE I? Pshaw! Your servant. Sure we that know one another may be free. ° You may say as much of me, if you please. But no matter for that. Did you hear nothing of my business last night, ha?
TRUMAN Not a word, I assure you, sir. Pray, how was it? [Aside] Prithee let him alone a little, Valentine.	140
MALAGENE Why, coming out of Chatelins last night—where it had cost me a guinea-club° with a right honourable° or two of this kingdom, which shall be nameless—just as I was getting into a coach, who should come by but a blustering fellow with a woman in his hand and swore, damn him, the coach was for him. We had some words, and he drew. With that, I put by his pass, closed with him, and threw up his heels, took away Toledo,° gave him two or three good cuts over the face, seized upon damsel, carried her away with me to my chamber, managed her° all night, and just now sent her off. Faith, amongst friends, she was a person of quality, I’ll tell you that.	145 150
TRUMAN What? A person of quality at that time o’ th’ night, and on foot too?°
MALAGENE Ay, and one that you both know very well. But take no notice on’t.°	155
VALENTINE O, sir, you may be sure we shall be very cautious of spreading any secrets of yours of this nature. [Aside] Lying rakehell! The highest he ever arrived at was a bawd, and she too banished him at last because he boasted of her favours.	160
MALAGENE Nay, not that I care very much neither. You may tell it if you will, for I think it was no more than anyone would have done upon the same occasion. Ha?
TRUMAN Doubtless, sir, you were much in the right. But, Valentine, we shall stay too long. ’Tis time we were going.	165
MALAGENE What, to dinner? I’ll make a third man. Where shall it be?
TRUMAN Sir, I am sorry, we must beg your excuse this time, for we are both engaged.
MALAGENE Whoo! Prithee, that’s all one; I am sure I know the company. I’ll go along at a venture.	170
VALENTINE No. But, Malagene, to make short of the business, we are going into company that are not very good friends of yours, and will be very uneasy if you be there.
MALAGENE What’s that to the purpose? I care as little for them as they do for me, though, on my word, sparks, of honest fellows you keep the oddest company sometimes that ever I knew!	175
TRUMAN But, sir, we are resolved to reform it and, in order thereunto, desire you would leave us to ourselves today.
MALAGENE No. But I’ll tell you, go along with me. I have discovered a treasure of pale wine; I’ll assure you ’tis the same the king drinks of. ° What say you, Jack? I am but for one bottle or two, for faith, I have resolved to live sober for a week.	180
TRUMAN Prithee, tormentor, leave us! Do not I know the wine thou drink’st is as base as the company thou keep’st? To be plain with you, we will not go with you, nor must you go with us.	185
MALAGENE Why, if one should ask the question now: whither are you going, ha?
VALENTINE How comes it, Malagene, you are not with your two friends, Caper and Saunter? You may be sure of them; they’ll eat and drink and go all over the world with you.	190
MALAGENE How canst thou think that I would keep such loathsome company? A brace of silly talking, dancing, singing rascals? ’Tis true, I contracted an acquaintance with ’em, I know not how; and now and then when I am out of humour, love to laugh at and abuse ’em for an hour or two, but, come what will on’t, I am resolved to go along with you today.	195
TRUMAN Upon my word, sir, you cannot. Why should you make so many difficulties with your friends?
MALAGENE Whoo! Prithee leave fooling. You would shake me off now, would you? But I know better things. The sham° won’t pass upon me, sir, it won’t, look you.	200
TRUMAN [aside to Valentine] Death, we must use him ill, or there is no getting rid of him. [To Malagene] Not pass, sir?
MALAGENE No, sir!	205
TRUMAN Pray, sir, leave us.
MALAGENE I shan’t do’t, sir.
TRUMAN But you must, sir.
MALAGENE Maybe not, sir.
TRUMAN I am going this way. (Walking off)	210
MALAGENE So am I. [Following Truman]
TRUMAN But, sir, I must stay here a little longer.
MALAGENE With all my heart! ’Tis the same thing; I am not in haste.
VALENTINE Have a care, Malagene, how you provoke Truman. You’ll run the hazard of a scurvy beating, my friend, if you do.	215
MALAGENE Beating! I am sorry, sir, you know no better. Pox, I am used° to serve him so, man. Let me alone. You shall see how I’ll tease him. Hark you, Jack.
TRUMAN Sir, you are an impudent, troublesome coxcomb.
MALAGENE No matter for that; I shan’t leave you.	220
TRUMAN Sir, I shall pull you by the nose then.
MALAGENE ’Tis all one to me. Do your worst.
TRUMAN Take that then, sir. (Tweaks him by the nose) Now d’ye hear: go about your business.
MALAGENE Nay, faith, Jack, now you drive the jest too far. What a pox, I know you are not in earnest. Prithee let’s go.	225
TRUMAN Death, sir, you lie. Not in earnest? Let this convince you. (Kicks him) How like you the jest now, sir?
MALAGENE Hark you, Truman, we shan’t dine together then, shall we?
VALENTINE Faith, to tell you the truth of the matter, Truman had a quarrel last night, and we are just now going to make an end on’t. ’Tis that makes him so surly. Nevertheless, now I think on’t better, if you’ll go, you shall. Perhaps we may have occasion for a third man.	230
MALAGENE No, no. If that be the business, I’ll say no more, puh. I hate to press into any man’s company against his inclination. Truman, upon my reputation, you are very uncivil now, that you are. But, hark you, I ran to the groom-porter’s° last night and lost my money. Prithee lend me two guineas till next time I see thee, child.	235
TRUMAN With all my heart, sir. I was sure ’twould come to this at last. [Produces the money] ’Tis here. You may command what you please from your servant. Malagene, good-morrow.	240
Enter Caper and Saunter
MALAGENE Dear Jack Truman, your humble—
Exit Truman
VALENTINE Won’t you go along with us then, Malagene?
MALAGENE No, here are two silly fellows coming. I’ll go and divert myself a little with them at present.	245
VALENTINE Why, those are the very people you railed at so but now. You will not leave us for them at a time when you may be so serviceable?
MALAGENE Hang ’t, you’ll have no occasion for me, man. Say no more on’t, but take my advice: be sure you stand fast. Don’t give ground, d’ye hear? Push briskly, and I’ll warrant you do your business.	250
VALENTINE Sir, I thank you for your counsel and am sorry we can’t have your company, but you are engaged?	255
MALAGENE Are you sure, though, it will come to fighting? I have no mind to leave your company methinks.
VALENTINE Nay, nothing so certain as that we shall fight. I wish you would go, for I fancy there will be three in the field.
MALAGENE A pox on’t, now I remember: I promised to meet these people here and can’t avoid ’em now. I’d go with you else with all my heart, faith and troth, but if you’d have me send a guard,° I’ll do’t.	260
VALENTINE No, sir; there’s no danger. [Aside] Nothing but the rogue’s cowardice could have rid us of him.	265
Exit Valentine
MALAGENE How now, bullies,° whither so fast this morning? I parted just now with Jack Truman and Ned Valentine. They would fain have had me to dinner with ’em, but I was not in a humour of drinking, and to speak the truth on’t, you are better company, ten to one. They engross still all the discourse to themselves, and a man can never be free with them neither.	270
CAPER O Lord, Malagene, we met the delicatest creature but now as we came round. I am a rascal if I don’t think her one of the finest women in the world. I shan’t get her out of my mind this month.
SAUNTER ’Twas Victoria, my Lady Fairfield’s daughter, that came to town last summer when Goodvile was married. [Aside to Malagene] He in love with her, poor soul! (Sings)’I shall beg his pardon there, as I take it.’	275
MALAGENE That’s Truman’s blowing.° She’s always lingering after him here and at the playhouse. She heats herself here every morning against the general course at night,° where she comes as constantly as my Lady Squeamish herself.	280
SAUNTER I vow, that’s a fine person too. Don’t you think she has abundance of wit, Malagene? She and I did so rally Caper t’ other day.	285
CAPER Ay, it may be so.
SAUNTER But did you never hear her sing? She made me sit with her till two o’clock t’ other morning to teach her an Italian song.° I have, and I vow she sings it wonderfully.
MALAGENE Damn her. She’s the most affected, amorous jilt and loves young fellows more than an old kite does young chicken. There is not a coxcomb of eighteen in town can escape her. We shall have her draw one of you into matrimony within this fortnight.	290
CAPER Malagene, thou art the most satirical thief breathing. I’d give anything thou didst but love dancing, that I might have thee on my side sometimes.	295
SAUNTER Well, Malagene, I hope to see thee so in love one day as to leave off drinking, as I have done, and set up for a shape and a face; or, what is all one, write amorous sonnets and fight duels with all that do but look like rivals. I would not be in love for all the world, I vow and swear. (Walks up and down with an affected motion)	300
CAPER Nor I. (Sings) ‘Ah Phyllis, if you would not love the Shepherd, etc.’ But d’ye hear, Malagene, they say Goodvile gives a ball tonight. Is it true?
MALAGENE Yes, I intend to be there, if I do not go to court.	305
CAPER I am glad of it with all my heart. [Sees Lady Squeamish in the distance] Saunter, there’s my lady. To be sure, she’ll not fail.°
SAUNTER But will you go, Malagene? Goodvile and you are at a distance.
MALAGENE Whoo! Pox, that’s nothing, I’ll go for all that. But, faith, I should meet my Lord—at court tonight. ° Besides, I han’t been in the drawing-room these three days; the company will wonder what’s become of me.
Enter Lady Squeamish
She here! Nay then.°
CAPER Madam, your ladyship’s most humble servant. (Congees affectedly)	315
LADY SQUEAMISH [curtsies] Mr Caper, your most devoted. O dear Mr Saunter, a thousand thanks to you for my song.
SAUNTER Your ladyship does your servant too much honour. (Sings) ‘As Chloe full of, etc?°	320
LADY SQUEAMISH Mr Caper, you are a stranger indeed. I have not seen you this two days. Lord, where d’ye live?
CAPER I should have waited on your ladyship but was so tired at the masquerade at my Lord Flutters t’other night. (Dances and capers)
SAUNTER Madam, madam, Mr Goodvile gives a ball tonight. Will your ladyship be there?	325
LADY SQUEAMISH Yes. I heard of it this morning; Victoria sent me word.
CAPER O, Madam, d’ye hear the news? Goodvile makes a ball tonight. I hope I shall have the honour of your ladyship’s company.	330
LADY SQUEAMISH O, by all means. Mr Caper, pray don’t you fail us. O Lord, Mr Malagene, I beg your pardon. Upon my honour, I did not see you, I was so engaged in the civilities of these gentlemen.
MALAGENE Your wit and beauty, madam, must command the honour and admiration of all the world. But when did your ladyship see Mr Valentine?	335
LADY SQUEAMISH O, name him not, Mr Malagene; he’s the unworthiest, basest fellow. Besides, he has no principles nor breeding. I wonder you gentlemen will keep him company. I’ll swear he’s enough to bring an odium on the whole sex.	340
MALAGENE The truth on’t is, madam, I do drink with him now and then because the fellow has some wit, but it is when better company is out of the way; and faith, he’s always very civil to me as can be. I can rule him.
LADY SQUEAMISH O Lord, ’tis impossible. Wit! Why, he was abroad but two years and all that time too in an academy;° he knows nothing of the intrigues of the French court and has the worst mien in the world. He has a sort of an ill-natured way of talking indeed, and they say makes bold with me° sometimes, but I’ll assure you, I scorn him.	345
MALAGENE Truly he has made very bold with you, or he is foully belied. Ha, ha, ha.	350
LADY SQUEAMISH They say, he’s grown a great admirer of Madam Camilla of late, who passes for a wit forsooth. ’Tis true, she’s well enough, but I suppose is not the first that has been troubled with his impertinent addresses.	355
MALAGENE Indeed, he would not let me alone till I brought him acquainted there. He owes that happiness to me. But methinks your ladyship speaks with something of heat. [Aside] By heaven, she’s jealous!
LADY SQUEAMISH No, I assure you, sir, I am not concerned at it in the least. But did you ever hear ’em discourse anything of me?	360
MALAGENE Never any ill, madam, only a little idle raillery now and then; but Truman and he are wont to be something lavish when they have been drunk in my company. [Aside] ’Twill work.	365
LADY SQUEAMISH Nay, I know he has spoken dishonourably of me behind my back because he failed in his filthy designs. Madam Camilla may deserve better of him, I doubt not. (Aside) But if I am not revenged on his falsehood!—Mr Caper.
CAPER AND SAUNTER Madam	370
LADY SQUEAMISH Where do you go today?
CAPER Will your ladyship be at the new play?
LADY SQUEAMISH No, I saw it the first day and don’t like it.
MALAGENE Madam, it has no ill character about the town.
LADY SQUEAMISH O Lord, sir, the town is no judge. ’Tis a tragedy, and I’ll assure you there’s nothing in it that’s moving. I love a tragedy that moves mightily.	375
SAUNTER Does your ladyship know who writ it?
LADY SQUEAMISH Yes, the poet came and read it to me at my lodgings. ° He is but a young man, and I suppose he has not been a writer long. Besides, he has had little or no conversation with the court, which has been the reason he has committed a great many indecorums in the conduct of it.°	380
SAUNTER I did not like it neither for my part. There was never a song in it, ha?	385
CAPER No, nor so much as a dance.
MALAGENE O, it’s impossible it should take if there were neither song nor dance in it.°
LADY SQUEAMISH And then their comedies nowadays are the filthiest things, full of bawdy and nauseous doings, which they mistake for raillery and intrigue. Besides, they have no wit in ’em neither, for all their gentlemen and men of wit, as they style ’em, are either silly, conceited, impudent coxcombs, or else rude, ill-mannerly, drunken fellows. Faugh. I am ashamed anyone should pretend to write a comedy that does not know the nicer rules of the court and all the intrigues and gallantries that pass,° I vow.	390 395
MALAGENE Who would improve in those things must consult with your ladyship.
LADY SQUEAMISH I swear, Mr Malagene, you are an obliging person. I wonder the world should be so malicious to give you so undeserving a character as they do. I always found you extremely generous and a person of worth.	400
MALAGENE In troth, madam, your ladyship and myself are the subjects of abundance of envy. For I love to be malicious now and then, and faith, am the very scourge of the court; they all stand in awe of me, for I must speak what I know, though sometimes I am used a little scurvily for it. But, faith, I can’t help it; ’tis my way.	405
LADY SQUEAMISH Ha, ha, ha. Really, I love scandal extremely too sometimes, so it be decently managed; but as I was saying, there is not a person in the world understands the intrigues of the court better than myself. I am the general confidante of the drawing room and know the loves of all the people of quality in town.	410
CAPER Dear madam, how stands the affair between my Lord Supple° and Madam Lofty?
LADY SQUEAMISH Worse than ever. ’Tis very provoking to see how she uses the poor creature. But, the truth is, she can never be at rest for him; he’s more troublesome than an old husband, continually whispering his softnesses and making his vows, till at last she is forced to fly to me for shelter, and then we do so laugh, which the good-natured creature takes so patiently. I swear, I pity him.	415 420
SAUNTER But my Lady Colt,° they say, is kinder to the sparkish Mr Pruneit.°
LADY SQUEAMISH O Lord, Mr Saunter, that you should understand no better. To my knowledge, it is all false. I know all that intrigue from the beginning to the ending; it has been off this month. Besides, he keeps a player again.° O Mr Saunter, whatever you do, never concern yourself with those players.	425
SAUNTER Madam, I have left the folly long since. When first I came to town, I must confess I had a gallantry there. But since I have been acquainted with your ladyship’s wit and beauty, I have learnt to lay out my heart to better advantage.° I think that was finely said!	430
LADY SQUEAMISH I’ll swear, Mr Saunter, you have the most court-like way of expressing yourself.
SAUNTER (bows and cringes) O Lord, madam!
LADY SQUEAMISH Mr Malagene, these are both my intimate acquaintance, and I’ll swear, I am proud of ’em. Here is Mr Saunter sings the French manner° better than ever I heard any English gentleman in my life. Besides, he pronounces his English in singing with a French kind of a tone or accent° that gives it a strange beauty. Sweet sir, do me the favour of the last new song.	435 440
SAUNTER Let me die! Your ladyship obliges me beyond expression. Malagene, thou shalt hear me. (Sings a song in a French tone)
MALAGENE [aside] What a devil was this? I understand not a word on’t.
SAUNTER Ha, Malagene, ha?	445
LADY SQUEAMISH Did you ever hear anything so fine?
MALAGENE Never, madam, never. I swear, your ladyship is a great judge.
LADY SQUEAMISH But how plain and distinctly too every word was pronounced?	450
MALAGENE O, to admiration, to admiration. (Makes mouths aside)
LADY SQUEAMISH Well, Mr Saunter, you are a charming creature. O, sad Mr Caper, I long till night comes. I’ll dance with nobody but you tonight, for I swear I believe I shall be out of humour.
MALAGENE [aside] That’s more than she ever was in her life, so long as she had a fool or a fiddle in her company.	455
LADY SQUEAMISH Though really I love dancing immoderately. But now you talk of intrigues, I am mistaken if you don’t see something where we are going tonight.
MALAGENE What, Goodvile is to commence° cuckold, is it not so?	460
LADY SQUEAMISH O, fie, Mr Malagene, fie. I vow you’ll make me hate you if you talk so strangely. But, let me die, I can’t but laugh. Ha, ha, ha. Well, gentlemen, you shall dine with me today. What say you, Mr Malagene, will you go?
MALAGENE Your ladyship may be sure of me. I hate to break good company.	465
LADY SQUEAMISH And pray now let us be very severe and talk maliciously of all the town. Mr Caper, your hand. O dear Mr Saunter, how shall I divide myself? I’ll swear, I am strangely at a loss. Mr Malagene, you must be Mr Saunter’s mistress, I think, at present.	470
MALAGENE With all my heart, madam. Sweet Mr Saunter, your hand. I swear, you are a charming creature, and your courtship is as extraordinary as your voice. Let me die, and I vow I must have t’ other song after dinner, for I am very humoursome and very whimsical, I think. Ha, ha, ha.	475
Exeunt

2.1

The ordinary°
Enter Mrs Goodvile and Lettice
MRS GOODVILE Did you deliver the billet?
LETTICE Yes, madam, faithfully.
MRS GOODVILE But are you sure you did?
LETTICE Can your ladyship think I would be guilty of the least neglect in a concern of such moment?	5
MRS GOODVILE Are you sure he dines here today?
LETTICE Madam, they are now at dinner below. Mr Valentine’s there too. O, I’ll swear he’s a fine man, the most courteous person.
MRS GOODVILE What? Because he hunts and kisses you when he’s drunk? No, Lettice. Truman, Truman, O that Truman!	10
LETTICE I wonder your ladyship should be so taken with him. Were I to choose, I should think my master the more agreeable man.
MRS GOODVILE And you may take him, if you will; he is as much a husband as one would wish. I have not seen him this fortnight. He never comes home till four in the morning, and then he sneaks to his separate bed, where he lies till afternoon, then rises, and out again upon his parole. ° Flesh and blood can’t endure it.	15
LETTICE But he always visits your ladyship first.
MRS GOODVILE That’s his policy, as great debtors are always very respectful and acknowledging where they never mean to pay. ’Tis true, he gives me what freedom I can desire, but God knows, that’s all.	20
LETTICE And where’s the pleasure of going abroad and getting a stomach° to return and starve at home?
MRS GOODVILE I laugh, though, to think what an easy fool he believes me. He thinks me the most contented, innocent, harmless turtle° breathing, the very pattern of patience.	25
LETTICE A jewel of a wife.
MRS GOODVILE And as blind with love as his own good opinion of himself has made him.	30
LETTICE And can you find in your heart to wrong so good a natured, complete, well-meaning, harmless husband that has so good an opinion of you?
MRS GOODVILE Ha, wrong him? What you say, Lettice? I wrong my husband! Such another word forfeits my good opinion of thee forever.	35
LETTICE What meant the billet to Mr Truman then this morning?
MRS GOODVILE To make him my friend perhaps and discover, if I can, who it is that wrongs me in my husband’s affection. For I am sure I have a rival. And I am apt to believe Victoria deserves no better than ordinary of me, if the truth were known.	40
LETTICE Why, she is his near kinswoman and lives here in the house with you. Besides, he would never dishonour his own family, surely.
MRS GOODVILE You are a fool, Lettice. The nearness of blood is the least thing considered. Besides, as I have heard, ’tis almost the only way relations care to be kind° to one another nowadays.	45
LETTICE Yet, madam, you never meet but you are as kind and fond of him as if you had all the joys of love about you. Lord! How can you dissemble with him so? Besides, Mr Truman, madam, you know is his friend.	50
MRS GOODVILE O, if I would ever consent to wrong my husband—which, heaven forbid, Lettice!—it should be to choose with his friend. For such a one has a double obligation to secrecy, as well for his own honour as mine. But, I’ll swear, Lettice, you are an idle girl for talking so much of this, that you are. ’Tis enough to put ill thoughts into one’s head, which I am the most averse to of all things in the world.	55
LETTICE But, madam, thoughts are free, and it is as hard not to think a little idly sometimes, as it is to be always in good humour. But it would make anyone laugh to think Mr Truman should be in love with Madam Victoria, if all be real which your ladyship suspects.	60
MRS GOODVILE Ay, and with a design of marriage too. But a ranging gallant° thinks he fathoms all, and counts it as much beneath his experience to doubt his security in a wife as success in a mistress.
LETTICE Besides, after a little time, he is so very industrious in cuckolding others that he never dreams how swimmingly his own affairs are managed at home.	65
Enter Victoria
MRS GOODVILE But, hush—she’s here.
VICTORIA A happy day to you, madam.
MRS GOODVILE Dear cousin, your humble servant. Have you heard who are below?	70
VICTORIA Yes, young Truman and his inseparable companion, Valentine.
MRS GOODVILE Well, what will you do, cousin? Truman comes resolved on conquest; for with the advantages he has in your heart already, ’tis impossible you should be able to hold out against him.	75
VICTORIA Yes. Powerful champagne,° as they call it, may do much. A spark can no more refrain running into love after a bottle than a drunken country vicar can avoid disputing of religion when his patron’s ale grows stronger than his reason.°	80
MRS GOODVILE Come, come, dissemble your inclinations as artfully as you please. I am sure they are not so indifferent, but they may be easily discerned.
VICTORIA Truly, madam, you may be mistaken in your guess.
MRS GOODVILE How? I doubt° it is some other man then has caused this alteration in you. ° Lord, Lettice, is she not extremely altered?
VICTORIA Altered, madam, what do you mean?
MRS GOODVILE Nay, Lettice, fetch a glass, and let her see herself. Lord, you are paler than you use to be.
LETTICE Ay, and then that blueness under the eyes.	90
MRS GOODVILE Besides, you are not so lively as I have known you. Pardon me, cousin.
LETTICE Well, if there be a fault, marriage will cure all.°
VICTORIA I’ll assure you, I have none that I know of stands in need of so desperate a remedy. [Aside] Marriage! Fault! What can all this tend to?	95
Enter Page
MRS GOODVILE Well, what now?
PAGE Madam, Camilla is coming to wait upon your ladyship.
MRS GOODVILE Ha, Camilla! Tell her I’ll attend her. Won’t you go with me, Victoria?	100
VICTORIA I’ll but step into my chamber and follow you instantly.
Exeunt Mrs Goodvile, [Lettice], and the Page
Whither can all this drive? Surely she has discovered something of Goodvile’s love and mine. If she has, I am ruined.
Enter Goodvile
GOODVILE Victoria, your cousin is not here, is she? What, in clouds? I stole this minute from my friends on purpose to see thee, and must not I have a look? Not a word?	105
VICTORIA O, I am ruined and lost for ever. I fear your wife has had some knowledge of our loves. And if it be so, what will then become of me?
GOODVILE Prithee, no more. My wife! She has too good an opinion of herself to have any ill one of me, and would as soon believe her glass could flatter her, as I be false to her. My wife! Ha, ha.	110
VICTORIA Yes, I am sure it must be so; it can be no otherwise. But you are satisfied and now have nothing more to do but to leave me to be miserable.	115
GOODVILE Leave thee! By heaven, I’d sooner renounce my family and own myself the bastard of a rascal. Come, quiet thy doubts. Truman is here; and take my love for thy security, he shall be thine tonight.
VICTORIA I have great reason to expect it indeed: that you would hazard your interest in so good a friend for the reparation of my honour that so little concerns you, and which you have already made your best of.	120
GOODVILE No more of that. Love’s my province, and thine is too dear to me to be neglected. ’Tis true, I have made him my friend, and I hope he will deserve it by doing thee that justice which I am incapable of.	125
VICTORIA You can promise easily.
GOODVILE Ay, and as resolutely perform. When I have heated him with wine, prepare to receive him.
Enter Mrs Goodvile
Ha, she here!	130
MRS GOODVILE So, so, Mr Goodvile, are you there indeed? I thought I should catch you.
GOODVILE Faith, my dear, I have been speaking a good word for Jack Truman. My cousin Victoria’s too cruel.
MRS GOODVILE O, fie, Victoria! Can you be so hard-hearted to deny anything when Mr Goodvile is an advocate?	135
VICTORIA I must confess it is with some difficulty; but should I too easily comply upon Mr Goodvile’s intercession, who knows but your ladyship might be jealous? For he that can prevail for another may presume there’s hopes for himself.	140
MRS GOODVILE Ay, but cousin, I know you are my friend and would not, though but in regard of that, do me such injury. Besides, Mr Goodvile knows I dare trust him. Don’t you, love?
GOODVILE Trust me! Yes, for if you don’t, ’tis all one. (Aside) Credulous innocence! [To Mrs Goodvile] Alas, my dear, were I as false as thou art good, thy generous confidence would shame me into honesty.	145
Enter Camilla, running and squeaking; Truman and Valentine after her
CAMILLA For heaven’s sake, madam, save me! Mr Goodvile, ’tis safer travelling through the deserts of Arabia than entering your house. Had I not ran hard for it, I had been devoured, that’s certain.	150
VALENTINE O, madam, are you herded?° It will be to little purpose. I am staunch and never change my game.
CAMILLA But when you have lost it, if fresh start up, you can be as fully satisfied, who hunt more for the love of the sport than for the sake of the prey.	155
VALENTINE But madam, should you chance to be taken, look to’t; for I shall touse and worry you most unmercifully, till I have revenged myself severely for the pains you cost me catching.
CAMILLA Therefore I am resolved to keep out of your reach. Lord, what would become of such a poor little creature as I am in the paws of so ravenous an animal?	160
TRUMAN [to Victoria] But are you too, lady, so wild as Mrs Camilla?
VICTORIA O sir, to the full! But I hope you are not so unmerciful as Mr Valentine.
TRUMAN No, madam, quite on the contrary: as soft and pliant as your pillow. You may mould me to your own ease and pleasure, which way you will.	165
VICTORIA ’Tis strange two of such different tempers should so well agree. Methinks you look like two as roaring, ranting, tory-rory sparks as one would wish to meet withal.	170
VALENTINE Yes, madam, at the playhouse in a vizard, when you come dressed and prepared for the encounter; there indeed we can be as unanimously modish and impertinent as the pertest coxcombs of ’em all, till like them too, we lose our hearts and never know what becomes of ’em.	175
CAMILLA But the comfort is you are sure to find ’em again in the next bottle.
MRS GOODVILE Then drink ’em down to the ladies’ healths, and they are as well at ease as ever they were.
TRUMAN Why, you would not be so unconscionable as to have us two such whining, crop-sick lovers, as sigh away their hours and write lamentable ditties to be sung about the town by fools and bullies in taverns.	180
GOODVILE Till some Smithfield doggerel,° taking the hint, swells the sonnet to a ballad, and Chloris dwindles into a kitchen-wench.°	185
VICTORIA ’Tis presumed then you are of that familiar tribe that never make love but by contraries, and rally our faults when you pretend to admire our perfections.
CAMILLA As if the only way to raise a good opinion of yourselves were to let us know how ill a one you have of us.	190
TRUMAN Faith, madam, ’tis a hard world, and when beauty is held at so dear a rate,° ’tis the best way to beat down the market° as much as we can.
VALENTINE But you shall find, ladies, we’ll bid like chapmen for all that.	195
VICTORIA You had best have a care, though, lest you overreach yourselves and repent of your purchase when ’tis too late.
CAMILLA Besides, I hate a Dutch bargain° that’s made in heat of wine, for the love it raises is generally like the courage it gives: very extraordinary, but very short-lived.	200
GOODVILE How, madam? Have a care what you say. Wine is the prince of love, and all ladies that speak against it forfeit their charter. I must not have my favourite traduced. [Calls to Serving Boy offstage] Boy, bring some wine. You shall prove its good effects and then acknowledge it your friend. We’ll drink—	205
CAMILLA Till your brains are afloat and all the rest sink.
VALENTINE I find then, ladies, you have the like opinion of our heads as you have of our hearts.
CAMILLA Really, sir, you are much in the right.
TRUMAN But if your ladyship should be in the wrong—though love, like wine, be a good refresher, yet ’tis much more dangerous to be too busy withal. And, though now and then I may overheat my head with drinking, yet confound me, I think I shall have a care never to break my heart with loving.	210
MRS GOODVILE But, sir, if all men were of your cruel temper, what would become of those tender-hearted creatures that cannot forbear saluting you with a billet in a morning, though it comes without a name, and makes you as unsatisfied as they, poor creatures, are themselves?	215
TRUMAN [aside] Ha, this concerns me! Blockhead, dull leaden sot that I was, not to be sensible it must be she, and none but she, could send mine this morning. Well, poor Jack Truman, look to thyself; snares are laid for thee, but the virtuous must suffer temptation. And, heaven knows, all flesh is frail.	220
Enter Goodvile’s Serving Boy with wine
GOODVILE Now, boy, fill the glasses. But before we proceed, one thing is to be considered. [To Mrs Goodvile] My dear, you and I are to be no man and wife for this day, but be as indifferent, and take as little notice one of another, as we may chance to do seven years hence. But at night—	225
VALENTINE A very fair proposal.	230
MRS GOODVILE Agreed, sir, if you will have it so.
GOODVILE The wine.
[Exit Goodvile’s Serving Boy]
Now each man to his post.
They separate: Goodvile to Camilla, Valentine to Victoria, Truman to Mrs Goodvile
The word.°
All take glasses
TRUMAN Love and wine.	235
Enter Lettice
GOODVILE Pass.°
They drink
Now that nothing may be wanting, Lettice, you must sing the song I brought home t’ other morning, for music is as great an encouragement to drinking as fighting.
LETTICE (sings)	240
How blessed he appears, That revels and loves out his happy years, That fiercely spurs on till he finish his race,           And, knowing life’s short, chooses living apace. To cares we were born; ’twere a folly to doubt it. Then love and rejoice; there’s no living without it.	245
Each day we grow older,                     But as fate approaches, the brave still are bolder.         The joys of love with our youth slide away,           But yet there are pleasures that never decay. When beauty grows dull, and our passions grow cold, Wine still keeps its charms, and we drink when we’re old.	250
[Exit Lettice]
GOODVILE So, now show me an enemy to divine harmonious drinking!
[Enter Goodvile’s Serving Boy]
BOY Sir, my Lady Squeamish is below, just alighted out of her coach.
GOODVILE Nay, then drinking will have the major vote against it: she is the most exact observer of decorums and decency alive. But she is not alone, I hope?	255
BOY No, sir. There is Mr Malagene with her and three more gentlemen, one they call Sir Noble Clumsy, a full portly gentleman.
[Exit Goodvile’s Serving Boy]
TRUMAN That’s a hopeful animal: an elder brother,° of a fair estate, and her kinsman newly come up to town, whom her ladyship has undertaken to polish and make a fine gentleman.	260
VALENTINE ’Tis such a fulsome overgrown rogue, yet hopes to be a fine spark and a very courtly youth. He has been this half year endeavouring at a shape, which he loves eating and drinking too well ever to attain to. The others, I’ll warrant you, are the nimble Mr Caper and his polite companion Mr Saunter.	265
GOODVILE She’s never without a kennel of fools at her heels, and we may know as well when she is near by the noise her coxcombs make, as we know when a certain spark of this town is at hand by the new-fangled jingle of his coach. She comes—and woe be to the wretch whom she first lights upon.	270
Enter Lady Squeamish, Sir Noble Clumsy, Malagene, Caper and Saunter [with Serving Boy]
LADY SQUEAMISH Dear Madam Goodvile, ten thousand happinesses wait on you. Fair madam Victoria, sweet, charming Camilla, which way shall I express my service to you? [To Sir Noble Clumsy] Cousin, your honour,° your honour to the ladies.	275
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Ladies, as low as knee can bend or head can bow, I salute you all. [Bows with an affected flourish] And gallants, I am your most humble, most obliged, and most devoted servant. That I learned at the end of an epistle dedicatory. °	280
GOODVILE Sir Noble Clumsy is too great a courtier.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Yes, sir, I can compliment upon an occasion; my lady knows I am a pretty apt scholar.
LADY SQUEAMISH Gallants, you must pardon my cousin here. He is, but as it were, a novice yet, and has had little conversation but what I have had the honour to instruct him in.	285
MALAGENE But let me tell you, he is a man of parts, and one that I respect and honour. Pray gentlemen, know my friend.
VALENTINE Hark you, Malagene. How durst you venture hither, knowing that Goodvile and Truman care so little for your company?	290
MALAGENE O, sir, your servant. Your servant, sir. I guessed this was the duel you were going about. I should not have left you else; faith, Ned, I should not.
GOODVILE But, madam, can the worthy knight, your kinsman, drink? What think you, Sir Noble, of the ladies’ healths?	295
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY In a glass of small beer, if you please.
LADY SQUEAMISH O sweet Mr Goodvile, don’t tempt him to drink, don’t! I’ll swear, I am so afraid he should spoil himself with drinking. Lord, how I should loathe a fellow with a red nose!
VALENTINE [indicating Caper and Saunter] See, Truman: the two coxcombs are already boarding our mistresses.°	300
TRUMAN O, ’twere a pity to interrupt ’em. A woman loves to play and fondle with a coxcomb sometimes as naturally as with a lap-dog, and I could no more be jealous of one than of the other.
VALENTINE I am not of your opinion; they are too apt to love anything that but makes ’em sport. And the familiarity of fools proceeds oftentimes from a privilege we are not aware of. For my part, I shall make bold to divert.—Mr Saunter, a word. Have you any pretences with that lady, ha?	305
SAUNTER Some small encouragement, I have had, sir, but I never make my boast of those favours, never.	310
VALENTINE No, sir, ’twere not your best course.
SAUNTER O Lord, you are pleased to be merry. [Aside] Sure he takes me for a fool, but no matter for that. (Sings)’ Would Phyllis be mine, and for, etc..	315
Enter Caper’s Serving Boy
BOY Madam, the fiddles are below. Shall I call ’em up?
MRS GOODVILE No, let ’em stay a little; we’ll dance below.
CAPER Ha, the fiddles! Boy, where are you?
Caper capers
BOY Here, sir.
CAPER Have you brought my dancing-shoes?	320
BOY No, sir, you gave me no order. But your fiddle is below under the seat of the coach.
CAPER Rascal, dog, fool. When did you ever know me go abroad without my dancing-shoes? Sirrah, run home and fetch ’em quickly, or I’ll cut off both your ears and have ’em fastened to the heels of those I have on.	325
[Exit Caper’s Serving Boy]
TRUMAN It is an unpardonable fault, sir, that your boy should forget your dancing-shoes.
CAPER Ay, hang him, blockhead, he has no sense; I must get rid of him as soon as I can. I would no more dance in a pair of shoes that we commonly wear than I would ride a race in a pair of gambados.°	330
LADY SQUEAMISH Mr Valentine, I hope, is a better-bred gentleman than to leave his mistress for wine. (To Valentine) I hear, sir, there is a love between you and madam Camilla, thou monster of perjury.
VALENTINE Faith, madam, you are much in the right; there is abundance of love on my side, but I can find very little on hers. If your ladyship would but stand my friend° upon this occasion. [Aside] I think this is civil.	335
LADY SQUEAMISH I’ll swear, sir, you are a most obliging person. Ladies and gallants, poor Mr Valentine here is fallen in love and has desired me to be his advocate. Who could withstand that eye, that lip, that shape and mien, besides a thousand graces in everything he does? O lovely Camilla, guard, guard your heart; but I’ll swear, if it were my own case, I doubt I should not. Ha, ha, ha.	340
VALENTINE Madam, what means all this?	345
GOODVILE Poor Ned Valentine!
TRUMAN ’Tis but what I told him he must look for. But, stay, there is more yet coming.
LADY SQUEAMISH Nay, this is not half of what thou art to expect. I’ll haunt thee worse than thy ill genius, take all opportunities to expose thy folly and falsehood everywhere, till I have made thee as ridiculous to our whole sex as thou art odious to me.	350
VALENTINE But has your ladyship no mercy? Will nothing but my ruin appease you? (Approaches Lady Squeamish) Why should you choose by your malice to expose your decay of years and lay open your poor lover’s follies to all—because you could improve ’em to your own use no longer?	355
LADY SQUEAMISH Come not near me, traitor. Lord, Madam Camilla, how can you be so cruel? See, see, how wildly he looks. For heaven’s sake, have a care of him; I fear he is distempered in his mind. What pity ’tis so hopeful a gentleman should run mad for love. Ha, ha, ha.	360
MRS GOODVILE Dear madam, how can you use Mr Valentine so? ’Tis enough to put him out of humour and spoil him for being good company all the day after it.
LADY SQUEAMISH O Lord, madam, ’tis the greatest pleasure to me in the world. Let me die, but I love to rally a bashful young lover and put him out of countenance, at my heart.°	365
SAUNTER Ha, ha, ha. And I’ll swear the devil and all’s in her wit when she sets on’t. Poor Ned Valentine! Lord, how sillily he looks!
CAPER Ay, and would fain be angry if he knew but how.	370
VALENTINE Hark you, coxcomb; I can be angry, very angry, d’ye mark me?
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY No, but sir, don’t be in a passion; my lady will have her humour, but she’s a very good woman at bottom.
VALENTINE Very likely, sir.	375
MRS GOODVILE Now, madam, if your ladyship thinks fit, we’ll withdraw and leave the gentlemen to themselves a little; only Mr Caper and Mr Saunter must do us the honour of their company.
SAUNTER Say you so, madam? I’faith, and you shall have it. Come, Caper. We are the men for the ladies, I see that. Hey, boys!	380
LADY SQUEAMISH O dear and sweet Mr Saunter shall oblige us with a song.
SAUNTER O, Madam, ten thousand, ten thousand, if you please. I’ll swear, I believe I could sing all day and all night and never be weary. (Sings)’ When Phyllis watched her harmless sheep, Not one poor lamb etc.’	385
Exeunt Saunter, Caper, Lady Squeamish, Mrs Goodvile, and Camilla
GOODVILE A happy riddance, this. Now, gentlemen, for one bottle to entertain our noble friend and now acquaintance,° Sir Noble Clumsy.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Really, gallants, I must beg your pardon. I dare not drink, for I have but a very weak brain, sir, and my head won’t bear it.	390
TRUMAN O, surely that honourable bulk could never be maintained with thin regular diet and small beer.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY I must confess, sir, I am something plump, but a little fat is comely. I would not be too lean.	395
MALAGENE No, by no means, my dear. Thou hast an heroic face which well becomes the noble port° and fullness of thy body.
VALENTINE Goodvile, we have a suit to you. Here is Malagene has been sometime in a cloud; for this once, receive him into good grace and favour again.	400
MALAGENE Faith, Goodvile, do. For, without any more words, I love thee with all my heart, faith and troth. Give me thy hand.
GOODVILE But sir, should I allow you my countenance, you would be very drunk, very rude, and very unmannerly, I fear.	405
MALAGENE Drunk, sir? I scorn your words. I’d have you know I han’t been drunk this week; no, I am the son of a whore if I won’t be very sober. This noble knight shall be security° for my good behaviour. Wilt thou not, knight?
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Sir, you are a person altogether a stranger to me, and I have sworn never to be bound for any man.	410
TRUMAN O but Sir Noble, you are obliged in honour to serve a gentleman and your friend.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Say you so, sir? Obliged in honour? I am satisfied. Sir, this gentleman is my friend and acquaintance, and whatsoever he says, I’ll stand to.	415
MALAGENE Hark thee, son of Mars:° thou art a knight already. I’ll marry thee to a lady of my acquaintance and have thee made a lord.
GOODVILE Boy, the wine; give Sir Noble his glass. Gentlemen, Sir Noble’s lady’s health.	420
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Od’s my life, I’ll drink that, though I die for’t. Gallants, I have a lady in this head of mine, and that you shall find anon. By my troth, I think this be a glass of good wine!
VALENTINE Say you so? Take the other glass° then, Sir Noble.	425
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY ‘Fore George, and so I will. Pox on’t, let it be a brimmer. Gentlemen, God save the king.
MALAGENE Well said, my lovely man of might. His worship grows good company.
TRUMAN Sir Noble, you are a great acquaintance with Mr Caper and Mr Saunter; they are men of pretty parts.	430
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY O, sir, the finest persons, the most obliging, well-bred, complaisant, modish gentlemen. They are acquainted with all the ladies in town, and are men of fine estates.
TRUMAN [aside to Valentine and Goodvile] This rogue is one of those earthy mongrels that knows the value of nothing but a good estate, and loves a fellow with a great deal of land and a title, though his grandfather were a blacksmith.	435
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY How say you, sir? A good estate? Od’s heart, give me the other glass. I have two thousand pounds a year.°	440
MALAGENE Say’st thou so? Boy, bring more wine. Wine in abundance, sirrah, d’ ye hear?
[Exit Goodvile’s Serving Boy]
Frank Goodvile, thou see’st I am free, for faith, I hate ceremony and would fain make the knight merry.
GOODVILE Malagene, it shall be your task. Drink him up lustily, and when that’s done, we’ll bring him to my lady his cousin. It may make some sport.	445
VALENTINE A very good proposal.
[Enter Goodvile’s Serving Boy with wine]
MALAGENE Say no more. Thy word’s a law, and it shall be done. [To Malagene] Come, bear up, my lusty limb of honour, and hang sobriety.	450
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Ay, so say I. Hang sobriety! Drink, whore, rant, roar, swear, make a noise, and all that. But be honest, dost hear? Be honest.
TRUMAN [aside] I would very fain be so if I could, but the damned billet this morning won’t out of my head. Well, Madam Goodvile, if any mischief comes on’t, ’tis your own fault, not mine. I did not strike first, and there’s an end on’t.	455
Music offstage. Enter Lettice
LETTICE Sir, the fiddles are ready, and the ladies desire your company. Mr Truman, my lady wants you.	460
TRUMAN Say’st thou so? I thank thee for thy news with all my heart. The devil, I see, will get the better on’t, and there is no resisting.
LETTICE Sir Noble, my Lady Squeamish sent me to tell you she wants your company to dance.	465
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Tell her, I am busy about a grand affair of the nation and cannot come. Dance? I look like a dancer indeed! But these women will be always putting us on more than we can do. Boy, give me more wine.
GOODVILE Malagene, remember and use expedition.°	470
Exeunt Goodvile, Truman, Valentine, Lettice
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Sirrah, do you know me? I am a knight. And here’s a health to all the whores in Christendom.
MALAGENE (drinks) Not forgetting all the ladies within. Now we are alone, I may talk.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY (breaks a glass) So, there’s for you, do you see? Sirrah, don’t look scurvily. I have money in my pocket, you must know that. [To the boy] Bring us more wine. Malagene, thou art a pretty fellow; dost thou love me? (Staggers) Give me thy hand. I will salute thy under-lip.°	475
MALAGENE [aside] Ha, what’s the meaning of this? I doubt I shall almost be drunk as soon as the knight. [To Sir Noble Clumsy] Sir Noble, canst thou whore?	480
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY How, whore? What a question’s there! Thou shalt be my pimp, and I’ll prefer° thee.
MALAGENE [aside] What a rascal this knight is. I have known as worthy a person as himself a pimp, and one that thought it no blemish to his honour neither.	485
Enter Lady Squeamish at the door
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Ha, my lady cousin? Faith, madam, you see I am at it.
MALAGENE [aside] The devil’s in’t, I think. We could no sooner talk of whores, but she must come in, with a pox to her.—Madam, your ladyship’s most humble servant.	490
LADY SQUEAMISH O, odious! Insufferable! Who would have thought, cousin, you would have served me so. Faugh! How he stinks of wine! I can smell him hither. How have you the patience to hear the noise of fiddles and spend your time in nasty drinking?	495
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Hum, ’tis a good creature. Lovely lady, thou shalt take thy glass.
LADY SQUEAMISH Ugh. Good murder, I had rather you had offered me a toad.	500
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Then Malagene, here’s a health to my lady cousin’s Pelion upon Ossa.°
Drinks and breaks glass
LADY SQUEAMISH Lord, dear Mr Malagene, what’s that?
MALAGENE A certain place, madam, in Greece much talked of by the ancients. The noble gentleman is well read.	505
LADY SQUEAMISH Nay, he is an ingenious person, I’ll assure you.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Now, lady bright, I am wholly thy slave. Give me thy hand. I’ll go straight and begin my grandmother’s kissing dance, ° but first design me the private honour of thy lip.
LADY SQUEAMISH Nay, fie, Sir Noble! How I hate you now! For shame, be not so rude. I’ll swear you are quite spoiled. Get you gone, you good-natured toad you.	510
Exeunt

3.1

[The ordinary]°

Enter Goodvile, a little heated

GOODVILE What a damned, chicken-brained fellow am I grown? If I but dip my bill,° I am giddy. Now am I as hot-headed with my bare two bottles as a drunken prentice on a holiday. Truman marries Victoria—that’s resolved on, and so one care is over. But then Camilla: how I shall get possession of her? Well, my mind misgives me I shall do something may call my discretion in question, and yet I can’t avoid it. Camilla I do love, and must have her, come what will on’t. And no time so fit to begin the enterprise as this; she may make a good wife for Valentine, for all that.	5
Music [offstage]. Enter Truman, Valentine
Fie, gentlemen! Without the ladies? Did you quit champagne for this? Faith, I begin to despair of you and doubt you are grown as weak lovers as drinkers.	10
TRUMAN Goodvile, thou hast no conscience. A decayed cavalier captain° that drinks journey-work under a deputy lieutenant° in the country is not able to keep thee company. Two bottles, as I take it, is no such trifling matter.	15
GOODVILE O, but I hate to be baulked, and a friend that leaves me at two bottles is as unkind as a mistress that jilts me when I thought I had made sure of the business. But, gallants, how stand the affairs of love? Truman, is Victoria kind? I question not your friendship in the matter, but trust the honour of my family in your hands.	20
VALENTINE (aside) He little thinks Truman is informed of all, and no longer a stranger on what score he is so wondrous civil. But I am mistaken, if he be behind with him in kindness long.
TRUMAN A pox on’t, I am afraid this marriage will never agree with me; methinks the very thought on’t goes a little against my stomach. Like a young thief, though I have some itching to be at it, yet I am loath to venture what may follow.	25
GOODVILE Well, I’ll go in and better prepare Victoria; in the meantime, believe it only my ambition to be as well allied in blood as friendship to so good and generous a person as Truman.	30
[Exit Goodvile]
TRUMAN What a damned creature man is! Valentine, didst thou believe this fellow could be a villain?
VALENTINE I must confess, it something surprises me; he might have found out a fitter person to put his mistress upon than his friend. But how the devil got you the knowledge of it?	35
TRUMAN Faith, I’ll tell thee; for I think I am no way obliged to conceal it: his wife, even his very wife, told me all.
VALENTINE I begin to suspect that Mrs Goodvile has no ill opinion of you. I observed something but now very obliging towards you. Besides, when a woman begins to betray her husband’s secrets, ’tis a certain sign she has a mind to communicate very important ones of her own.	40
TRUMAN Valentine, no more of that, though it would be a rare revenge to make a cuckold of this smiling rogue.	45
VALENTINE ’Tis fifty times better than cutting his throat; that were to do him more honour than he deserves.
Enter Malagene
MALAGENE Ha, ha, ha, the rarest sport. Jack Truman, Ned Valentine.
TRUMAN Why, what’s the matter? Where?
MALAGENE Yonder’s my rogue of a knight, as drunk as a porter; and faith, Jack, I am but little better.	50
VALENTINE Dear sir, and what of all this?
MALAGENE Why, with a bottle under his arm and a beer-glass in his hand, I set him full drive at my Lady Squeamish, for nothing else but to make mischief, Ned, nothing else in the world; for everybody knows I am the worst-natured fellow breathing. ’Tis my way of wit.	55
VALENTINE Do you love nobody then?
MALAGENE No, not I. Yes, a pox on’t, I love you well enough because ye are a rogue I have known a good while. Though, should I take the least prejudice against you, I could not afford you a good word behind your back, for my heart.	60
TRUMAN Sir, we are much obliged to you. [Aside to Valentine] ’Tis a sign the rogue is drunk that he speaks truth.
MALAGENE I tell you what I did t’other day. Faith, ’tis as good a jest as ever you heard.	65
VALENTINE Pray, sir, do.
MALAGENE Why, walking along, a lame fellow followed me and asked my charity, which, by the way, was a pretty proposition to me.° Being in one of my witty, merry fits, I asked him how long he had been in that condition. The poor fellow shook his head and told me he was born so. But how d’ye think I served him?	70
VALENTINE Nay, the devil knows.
MALAGENE I showed my parts, I think; for I tripped up both his wooden legs and walked off gravely about my business.	75
TRUMAN And this, you say, is your way of wit?
MALAGENE Ay, altogether this and mimicry. I am a very good mimic: I can act Punchinello, Scaramouchio, Harlequin, Prince Prettyman,° or anything. I can act the rumbling of a wheelbarrow.
VALENTINE The rumbling of a wheelbarrow?	80
MALAGENE Ay, the rumbling of a wheelbarrow, so I say. Nay, more than that, I can act a sow and pigs, sausages a-broiling, a shoulder of mutton a-roasting. I can act a fly in a honey-pot.
TRUMAN That indeed must be the effect of very curious observation.
MALAGENE No, hang it. I never make it my business to observe anything. [Disdainfully] That is mechanic. But all this I do; you shall see me if you will. But here comes her ladyship and Sir Noble.	85
Enter Lady Squeamish and Sir Noble Clumsy
LADY SQUEAMISH O dear Mr Truman, rescue me. Nay, Sir Noble, for heaven’s sake!	90
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY I tell thee, lady, I must embrace thy lovely body. [To Valentine] Sir, do you know me? I am Sir Noble Clumsy. I am a rogue of an estate and live I—do you want any money? I have fifty pound.
VALENTINE Nay, good Sir Noble, none of your generosity, we beseech you. The lady, the lady, Sir Noble.	95
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Nay, ’tis all one to me if you won’t take it. Therecit is. Hang money; my father was an alderman.
MALAGENE ’Tis pity good guineas should be spoiled. Sir Noble, by your leave. (Picks ’em up)	100
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY But, sir, you will not keep my money?
MALAGENE O, hang money, sir. Your father was an alderman.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Well, get thee gone for an arch-wag. I do but sham all this while. But, by dad, he’s pure company.
TRUMAN Was there ever such a blockhead! Now has he nevertheless a mighty opinion of himself and thinks all this wit and pretty discourse.	105
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Lady, once more I say be civil and come kiss me. I shall ravish else; I shall ravish mightily.
VALENTINE Well done, Sir Noble. To her, never spare.	110
LADY SQUEAMISH I may be even with you, though, for all this, Mr Valentine.—Nay, dear Sir Noble. Mr Truman, I’ll swear he’ll put me into fits.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY No, but let me salute the hem of thy garment. (Kneels) Wilt thou marry me?	115
MALAGENE Faith, madam, do. Let me make the match.
LADY SQUEAMISH Let me die, Mr Malagene, you are a strange man, and I’ll swear have a great deal of wit. Lord, why don’t you write?
MALAGENE Write? I thank your ladyship for that with all my heart. No, I have a finger in a lampoon or so sometimes; that’s all.	120
TRUMAN But he can act.
LADY SQUEAMISH I’ll swear and so he does, better than anyone upon our theatres. I have seen him. O the English comedians are nothing, not comparable to the French or Italian;° besides, we want poets.°	125
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Poets! Why, I am a poet. I have written three acts of a play and have named it already. ’Tis to be a tragedy.
LADY SQUEAMISH O cousin, if you undertake to write a tragedy, take my counsel. Be sure to say soft melting tender things in it that may be moving, and make your ladies’ characters virtuous, whatever you do.	130
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Moving? Why, I can never read it myself but it makes me laugh; well, ’tis the prettiest plot and so full of waggery.
LADY SQUEAMISH O ridiculous!
MALAGENE But knight, the title; knight, the title.	135
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Why let me see. ’Tis to be called The Merry Conceits of Love; or The Life and Death of the Emperor Charles the Fifth, with the humours of his dog, Bobadillo.°
MALAGENE Ha, ha, ha.
VALENTINE But Sir Noble, this sounds more like a comedy.	140
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY O, but I have resolved it shall be a tragedy because Bobadillo’s to be killed in the play. Comedy! No, I scorn to write comedy. I know several that can squirt comedy.° I’ll tell you more of this when I am sober.
LADY SQUEAMISH But dear Mr Malagene, won’t you let us see you act a little something of Harlequin? I’ll swear you do it so naturally, it makes me think I am at the Louvre or Whitehall° all the time.	145
Malagene acts
O Lord, don’t; don’t neither. I’ll swear, you’ll make me burst. Was there ever anything so pleasant?
TRUMAN [aside] Was ever anything so affected and ridiculous? Her whole life surely is a continued scene of impertinence. What a damned creature is a decayed woman with all the exquisite silliness and vanity of her sex, yet none of the charms!	150
Malagene speaks in Punchinello’s voice°
LADY SQUEAMISH O Lord, that, that—that is a pleasure intolerable. Well, let me die if I can hold out any longer. Pray, Mr Malagene, how long have you been in love with Mrs Tawdry the actress?	155
MALAGENE(in his own voice aloud) Ever since your ladyship has been off from the hooks with Mr Valentine.
LADY SQUEAMISH Uh, Gud, I always thought Mr Malagene had been better bred than to upbraid me with any such base thing to my face, whatever he might say of me behind my back. But there is no honour, no civility in the world; that I am satisfied of.	160
VALENTINE Can your ladyship take anything ill from Mr Malagene? A woman should bear with the unlucky jerks° of her buffoon or coxcomb as well as with the ill manners of her monkey sometimes. The fools and rascals your sex delights in ought to have the privilege of saying, as well as they have of doing, anything.	165
LADY SQUEAMISH Which you men of wit—as you think yourselves—are very angry you should be debarred of. Lord, what pity ’tis your good parts should be your misfortune.	170
VALENTINE Ay, madam; I feel the curse of it—I who had just sense enough to fall in love with so much beauty and merit, yet could not be able to keep the paradise I was so happily possessed of.
LADY SQUEAMISH This malice and ill-nature shall not serve your turn. I shall know all your proceedings and intrigues with Camilla, and be revenged on your love to her for all the affronts and injuries you have done to mine.	175
Enter Caper and Saunter
CAPER O dear madam, we’re utterly undone for want of your ladyship’s company, I’ll vow. Madam Goodvile is coming with the fiddles to wait on you here. (Cuts backward)°	180
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Sir, are you a dancing master?° You are very nimble, methinks.
CAPER Ay, sir; I hate to stand still. But, Sir Noble, I thought you had known me. I doubt you may be a little overtaken;° faith, dear heart, I am glad to see thee so merry.	185
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Yes, I do love dearly to be drunk once a year or so; ’tis good for my bodily health. But do you never drink?
CAPER No, Sir Noble. That is not my province, you know. I mind dancing altogether.°
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY[to Saunter] Nor you? Can’t you drink, ha?	190
SAUNTER No, I make love and sing to ladies.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Whores to my knowledge, errant, rank, common whores. A pox on your woman of quality that you carried me to in the Mall.
TRUMAN Why, what was the matter, Sir Noble?	195
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY By yea and by nay,° a foul, overgrown strumpet, with a running bawd° instead of a waiting-woman, a great deal of paint, variety of old clothes, and nothing to eat. [Lapses into a drunken stupor]
LADY SQUEAMISH O dear, let me die if that was not extravagantly pleasant.	200
[Exit Lady Squeamish]
TRUMAN I believe Sir Noble is much in the right; for I never came near these giddy, intriguing blockheads, but they were talking of love and ladies, nor ever met with a hackney stripping whore° that did not know ’em.	205
CAPER Ned Valentine, I have a kindness to beg of you.
VALENTINE Sir, you may command me anything.
CAPER Why, you must know I am in love with Camilla.
VALENTINE Very good.
CAPER Now I would have you speak to Frank Goodvile not to make love to her as he does; i’ faith, I can’t bear it. For, to tell you the truth on’t, I intend to marry her. I catched him at it but now. Faith, it made my heart ache, never stir if it did not.	210
VALENTINE In troth, sir, ’tis very uncivil.
Exit Caper and Saunter
Truman, this Goodvile has a mind to oblige us both: he’s providing a wife for me too as fast as he can. Camilla’s his quarry now, I understand, and by that time he has played as fair a game with her as he has done with your mistress Victoria, I may stand fair to put in for the rubbers. °	215
TRUMAN Valentine, thou art upon too sure grounds for him there; Camilla has both too much wit and virtue, and each with as little affectation as the other.	220
VALENTINE Jack, after this I cannot but be very free with you; I know there is some love hatching between you and his wife. Both our revenge lies in thy hands, and if thou dost not thyself and me justice, I’ll disown thee forever.	225
Enter Goodvile
TRUMAN See where he comes with a heart as gay and light, as if there were nothing but honesty in it.
GOODVILE (sings)
When Beauty can’t move, and our passions grow cold, Wine still keeps its charms, and we drink when we’re cold.	230
Jack Truman, yonder have I and Victoria been laughing at thee till we were weary. She swears thou art so very modest, she would not for all the world marry thee for fear of spoiling that virtue.
TRUMAN Nay, then I doubt I have lost her forever; for if she complains of my modesty, she has found a fault which I never thought I had been guilty of before.	235
GOODVILE But that is a quality which, though they hate never so much in a gallant, they are apt for many reasons to value in a husband. Fear not. Dissimulation is the natural adjunct of their sex; and I would no more despair of a woman, though she swore she hated me, than I would believe her though she swore she loved me.	240
Enter Lady Squeamish, Caper, Saunter, Malagene, Mrs Goodvile, Camilla, and Victoria with the fiddles
LADY SQUEAMISH O a country dance, a country dance! Mr Caper, where are you? You shall dance with madam Camilla. Mr Saunter, wait on Victoria. [Curtsies] Mr Goodvile, your humble servant. Dear Mr Truman, won’t you oblige me? Madam Goodvile.° Ha, ha, ha. I’ll swear, I had utterly forgotten Mr Valentine.	245
VALENTINE Your ladyship knows me to be a civil person. If you please, I’ll keep good orders.°
Caper, Saunter, Goodvile, and Truman take out the women°
MALAGENE Faith, Ned, do, and I’ll keep the music in tune. [To the fiddlers’] Away with it. [Music and dancing begins] Hold, hold! What insufferable rascals are these? Why, ye scurvy, thrashing, scraping mongrels; ye make a worse noise than cramped° hedge-hogs! An old, gouty dancing master that teaches to dance with his spectacles on makes better music on his cracked kit.° ’Sdeath, ye dogs, can’t you play now as a gentleman sings! Ha!	250 255
GOODVILE Sir, will you never leave this nauseous humour of yours? I can never be with you, but I must be forced to use you ill or endure the perpetual torment of your impertinence.
MALAGENE Well, sir; I ha’ done, sir; I ha’ done. But ’tis very hard a man can’t be permitted to show his parts. ’Sdeath, Frank, dost thou think thou understand’st music?	260
GOODVILE Sir, I understand it so well, that I won’t have it interrupted in my company by you.
MALAGENE I am glad on’t with all my heart; I never thought you had understood anything before. I think there I was pretty even with you.	265
GOODVILE Sauciness and ill manners are so much your province that nothing but kicking is fit for you.
MALAGENE Sir, you may use your pleasure, but I care no more for being kicked than you do for kicking. But prithee, Frank, why should you be out of humour so? The devil take me if I shall not give thee such a jerk presently will make thee angry indeed.	270
LADY SQUEAMISH Lord, Mr Goodvile, how can you be so ill-natured? I’ll swear Mr Malagene is in the right. These people have no manners in the least; play not at all to dancing. But, I vow, he himself sings a tune extreme prettily.	275
GOODVILE [aside] Death, hell, and the devil! How am I teased? I shall have no opportunity to pursue my business with Camilla. I must remove this troublesome coxcomb, and that perhaps may put stop at least to her impertinence.	280
LADY SQUEAMISH Mr Truman, Mr Goodvile, and ladies, I beseech you do me the favour to hear Mr Malagene sing a Scotch song. I’ll swear I am a strange admirer of Scotch songs. They are the prettiest, soft, melting, gentle, harmless things.
SAUNTER By dad, and so they are. (Sings)’In January lasf°—	285
VALENTINE Deliver us! A Scotch song! I hate it worse than a Scotch bagpipe, which even the bears are grown weary of and have better music. ° I wish I could see her ladyship dance a Scotch jig to one of ’em.
MALAGENE I must needs beg your ladyship’s pardon; I have forgotten the last new Scotch song. But, if you please, I’ll entertain you with one of another nature, which I am apt to believe will be as pleasant.	290
LADY SQUEAMISH Let me die, Mr Malagene, you are eternally obliging me.
Malagene sings an Irish cronon°
MALAGENE Well, madam? How like you it, madam, ha?	295
LADY SQUEAMISH Really, it is very pretty now—the prettiest, odd, out-of-the-way notes. Don’t you admire it strangely?
MALAGENE I’ll assure your ladyship, I learnt it of an Irish musician that’s lately come over,° and intend to present it to an author of my acquaintance to put it in his next play.	300
LADY SQUEAMISH Ha, ha. Mr Valentine, I would have you learn it for a serenade to your mistress. Ha, ha, ha.
VALENTINE My page, madam, is docible and has a pretty voice; he shall learn it, if you please, and if your ladyship has any further service for him°—	305
LADY SQUEAMISH Ah Lord, wit, wit, wit, as I live! Come, let’s dance.
TRUMAN Valentine, thou art something too rough. I am afraid her ladyship will be revenged. I see mischief in her eyes. ’Tis safer provoking a Lancashire witch° than an old mistress, and she as violent in her malice too.	310
GOODVILE Malagene, a word with you; hark ye, come hither. (Goes to the door)
MALAGENE Well, Frank, what’s the business now? I am clearly for mischief; shall I break the fiddles and turn the rascals out of doors?
GOODVILE No, sir, but I’ll be so civil to turn you out of doors. Nay, sir, no struggling. I have footmen within.	315
MALAGENE Whoo, prithee what’s all this for? What a pox, I know my lady well enough for a silly, affected, fantastical gypsy.° I did all this but o’ purpose to show her.° Let me alone; I’ll abuse her worse.	320
GOODVILE No, sir; but I’ll take more care of your reputation and turn you out to learn better manners. No resistance, as you tender your ears, but be gone.
Exit Malagene
So, he’s gone, and now I hope I may have some little time to myself. Fiddles, strike up.	325
Truman and Mrs Goodvile, Saunter and Victoria, Goodvile and Camilla dance
TRUMAN Thus, madam, you freely enjoy all the pleasures of a single life, and ease yourself of that wretched formal austerity which commonly attends a married one.
MRS GOODVILE Who would not hate to be one of those simpering saints that enter into marriage as they would go into a nunnery, where they keep very strict to their devotion for a while, but at last turn as errant sinners as e’er they were?	330
TRUMAN Marriages indeed should be repaired to° as commonly nunneries are: for handsome retreats and conveniences, not for prisons, where those that cannot live without ’em may be safe, yet sometimes venture too abroad a little.	335
MRS GOODVILE But never, sir, without a lady abbess or a confessor at least.
TRUMAN Might I, madam, have the honour to be your confessor, I should be very indulgent and lavish of absolution to so pretty a sinner.	340
MRS GOODVILE See, Mr Goodvile and Madam Camilla, I believe, are at shrift° already.
TRUMAN And poor Ned Valentine looks as pensively as if all the sins of the company were his own.	345
MRS GOODVILE See, Mr Caper, your mistress.
CAPER Ha, Camilla! [To Goodvile] Sir, your servant. [Bows] May I have the honour to lead this lady a coranto?
GOODVILE No, sir. [Aside] Death! Surely I have fools that rest and harbour in my house, and they are a worse plague than bugs and moths. Shall I never be quiet?	350
VALENTINE Sir Noble, Sir Noble, have a care of your mistress! Do you see there?
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY (wakes and rises) Hum. Ha. Where? O!
SAUNTER[to Victoria] Nay, faith, madam, Harry Caper’s as pretty a fellow. ’Tis the wittiest rogue. He and I laugh at all the town. [To Caper] Harry, I shall marry her.	355
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Marry, sir! Whom will you marry, sir? You lie. Sweetheart, come along with me; I’ll marry thee myself presently.
VICTORIA You, Sir Noble! What d’ye mean? (She squeaks)	360
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Mean? Honourably, honourably; I mean honourably. These are rogues, my dear, arrant rogues. Come along.
Exeunt Sir Noble Clumsy and Victoria
CAPER Ha, Saunter.
SAUNTER Ay, Caper. Ha! Let us follow this drunken knight.
CAPER I’faith, and so I will. I don’t value him this. (Cuts)	365
Exeunt Caper and Saunter
LADY SQUEAMISH Ha, ha, ha! Well, I’ll swear, my cousin Sir Noble is a strange pleasant creature. [To Mrs Goodvile] Dear madam, let us follow and see the sport. Mr Truman, will you walk? O dear, ’tis violent hot.
Exeunt Lady Squeamish, Mrs Goodvile, and Truman
VALENTINE I’ll withdraw too and at some distance observe how matters are carried between Goodvile and Camilla.	370
Exit Valentine
GOODVILE Are you then, madam, resolved to ruin me? Why should all that stock of beauty be thrown away on one that can never be able to deserve the gleanings of it? I love you—
CAMILLA And all the sex besides. That ever any man should take such pains to forswear himself to no purpose!	375
GOODVILE Nay, then there’s hopes yet. If you pretend to doubt the truth of my love, ’tis a sign you have some inclinations at least that are my friends.
CAMILLA [aside] This Goodvile, I see, is one of those spruce, polished fools, who have so good an opinion of themselves, that they think no woman can resist ’em, nor man of better sense despise ’em. I’ll seem at present to comply and try how far ’twill pass upon him.	380
GOODVILE Well, madam, have you considered on’t? Will the stone in your heart give way?	385
CAMILLA No, sir. ’Tis full as firm and hard as ever ’twas.
GOODVILE And I may then go hang, or drown, or do what I will with myself? Ha?
CAMILLA At your own discretion, sir, though I should be loath to see so proper a handsome gentleman come to an ill end.	390
GOODVILE Good, charitable creature! But, madam, know I can be revenged on you for this, and my revenge shall be to love you still; gloat° on and loll after you where ere I see you; in all public meetings haunt and vex you; write lamentable sonnets on you and so plain, that every fop that sings ’em shall know ’tis you I mean.	395
CAMILLA So, sir, this is something.° Could not you as well have told me you had been very ill-natured at first? You did not know how far° it might have wrought upon me; besides, ’tis a thousand times better than vowing and bowing, and making a deal of love and noise, and all to as little purpose as anything you say else.	400
GOODVILE Right exquisite tyrant! I’ll set a watch and guard so strict upon you, you shall not entertain a well-dressed fool in private, but I’ll know it; then, in a lewd lampoon, publish it to the town till you shall repent and curse the hour you ever saw me.
CAMILLA Ah, would I could, ill-natured, cruel man!	405
GOODVILE Ha, how’s that? Am I then mistaken? And have I wronged you all this while? I ask ten thousand pardons, cursed, damned sot that I was! I have ruined myself now forever.
CAMILLA Well, sir, should I now forgive you all, could you consent to wrong your lady so far? You have not yet been married a full year. How must I then suspect your love to me that can so soon forget your faith to her?	410
GOODVILE O, Madam, what do you do? The name of a wife to a man in love is worse than cold water in a fever. ’Tis enough to strike the distemper to my heart and kill me quite. ‘My lady’, quoth a!	415
CAMILLA Besides, Valentine, you know, is your friend.
GOODVILE I grant it, he is so. A friend is a thing I love to eat and drink and laugh withal. Nay more, I would on a good occasion lose my life for my friend, but not my pleasure. Say where and when it shall be.	420
CAMILLA Never. I dare not.
GOODVILE You must by and by when ’tis a little darker, in the left-hand walk in the lowest garden.
CAMILLA I won’t promise you; can’t you trust my good nature?
GOODVILE Charming creature, I do. Now if I can but make up the match between Truman and Victoria, my hopes are completed.	425
CAMILLA Haste, haste! Away, sir; I see Valentine coming.
Exit Goodvile. Enter Valentine
VALENTINE Madam, you are extremely merry; I am glad Mr Goodvile has left you in so good a humour.
CAMILLA Ay sir, and what may please you more, he is parted hence in as good a humour as he has left me here.	430
Enter Lady Squeamish, Bridget at the door [eavesdropping]
LADY SQUEAMISH [aside] Valentine and Camilla alone together! Now for an opportunity to be revenged! Ah, how I love malice!
VALENTINE Ungratefullest of women!
CAMILLA Foolishest of men! Can you be so very silly to be jealous? For I find you are so. What have you ever observed since first your knowledge of me that might persuade you I should ever grow fond of a man, as notoriously false to all women, as you are unworthy of me?	435
LADY SQUEAMISH (aside) Has Valentine been false to her too? Nay, then there is some pleasure left yet, to think I am not the only woman that has suffered by his baseness.	440
VALENTINE What then, I’ll warrant you were alone together half-an-hour only for a little harmless raillery or so, an honour I could never obtain without hard suit and humble supplication.	445
CAMILLA Alas, how very politic you are grown! You would pretend displeasure to try your power. No, I shall henceforth think you never had a good opinion of me, but that your love was at first as ill-grounded as your fantastical jealousy is now.
VALENTINE What specious pretence can you urge? I know a woman can never be without one. Come, I am easy and good-natured, willing to believe and be deceived. What, not a word?	450
CAMILLA Though I can hardly descend to satisfy your distrust, for which I hardly value you° and almost hate you; yet to torment you farther, know I did discourse with him, and of love too; nay more, granted him an appointment, but one I never meant to keep, and promised it only to get rid of him. This is more than I am obliged to tell you, but that I wanted such an opportunity as this to check your pretences, which I found grew too unruly to be kept at a distance.	455
VALENTINE Though I had some reason to be in doubt, yet this true resentment and just proceeding has convinced me. For Goodvile is a man I have little reason to trust, as will appear hereafter, and ’twas my knowledge of his baseness made me run into so mean a distrust of you. But forgive me this, and when I fail again, discard me forever.	460 465
CAMILLA Yes. But the next time I shall happen to discourse with a gentleman in private, I shall have you listening at the door or eavesdropping under the window. What, distrust your friend, the honourable, worthy Mr Goodvile? Fie, how can you be so ungenerous?	470
VALENTINE There is not such another hypocrite in the world. He never made love but to delude, nor friendship but for his ends. Even his own kinswoman and charge, Victoria, he has long since corrupted, and now would put her on his best friend, Truman, for a wife.	475
CAMILLA I cannot but laugh to think how easily he swallowed the cheat. He could not be more transported at possession than he was with expectation, and he went away in a greater triumph than if he had conquered the Indies.
VALENTINE Where did you promise him?	480
CAMILLA In the left-hand walk in the lower garden.
LADY SQUEAMISH (aside) So, in the left-hand walk in the lower garden. I heard that. But Mr Valentine, you may chance to meet another there. Let me die, this is pleasant.
VALENTINE And when?	485
CAMILLA Anon, when it begins to grow dark.
LADY SQUEAMISH [aside] Enough. I know the time and place; and, Madam Camilla, I shall make bold to cheat you of your lover tonight. Alas, poor, inconsiderable creature. How this makes me loathe her!	490
CAMILLA Now would this news be more welcome to her ladyship, Madam Squeamish, than a new fashion, a new dance, or a new song. How many visits would she make on the occasion! Not a family in town would be at rest for her till she had made it a jest, from the Mother of the Maids to the attorney’s wife in Holborn.°	495
VALENTINE But for some private reasons I would have kept it from her and from Madam Goodvile too. There are affairs to be carried on tonight, which the least accident may interrupt. Besides, I have thought upon’t and will so contrive the matter that Goodvile shall keep his assignation, and her ladyship herself supply the place of the much expected charming Camilla.	500
CAMILLA But would you, sir, do me such an injury as to make me break my word with Mr Goodvile? That were inhuman.
VALENTINE Good, conscionable creature, have patience, and don’t you think of paying debts too fast; there’s an account yet between you and I which must be made even, and I think I had best secure it now I have you in my custody.	505
CAMILLA Ay, but sir, if I part with anything, I shall expect to have something to show for’t.
VALENTINE Nay, if I don’t offer as lusty security and conditions as any man, let me lose all I lay claim to; that’s fair.	510
Exeunt Valentine and Camilla
LADY SQUEAMISH So, are they gone? Now let me but live if this intrigue be not extremely surprising. Bridget, go home and fetch me the morning-gown I had last made in imitation of Camilla’s, for perhaps I shall go a-masquerading tonight, or it may be not, but fetch it nevertheless.	515
BRIDGET Madam, won’t the other serve? You may remember you left it at my Lady Foplove’s t’other night; that’s nearer.
LADY SQUEAMISH Impertinent creature! And wouldst thou have me appear in it twice? Do as I bid you, I say; andd’ye hear, bring me a mask with an amber bead,° for I fear I may have fits tonight.	520
BRIDGET [aside] I never knew her without fantastical ones, I am sure, for they cost me many a weary errand.
Exit Bridget. Enter Victoria
LADY SQUEAMISH O my dear Victoria, the most unlooked-for happiness! The pleasantest accident! The strangest discovery! The very thought of it were enough to cure melancholy. Valentine and Camilla, Camilla and Valentine. Ha, ha, ha.	525
VICTORIA Dear madam, what is it so transports you?
LADY SQUEAMISH Nay, ’tis too precious to be communicated. Hold me, hold me, or I shall die with laughter. Ha, ha, ha. Camilla and Valentine, Valentine and Camilla. Ha, ha, ha. O dear, my heart’s broke.	530
VICTORIA Good madam, refrain your mirth a little, and let me know the story, that I may have a share in it.
LADY SQUEAMISH An assignation! An assignation tonight in the lower garden. By strong good fortune, I overheard it all just now; but to think on the pleasant consequence that will happen, drives me into an excess of joy beyond all sufferance.	535
VICTORIA Madam, in all probability the pleasantest consequence is like to be theirs, if anybody’s, and I cannot guess how it should touch your ladyship in the least.	540
LADY SQUEAMISH O Lord, how can you be so dull? Why, at the very hour and place appointed will I meet Valentine in Camilla’s stead before she can be there herself; then when she comes, expose her infamy to all the world, till I have thoroughly° revenged myself for all the base injuries her lover has done to me.	545
VICTORIA But madam, can you endure to be so malicious?
LADY SQUEAMISH That, that’s the dear pleasure of the thing; for, I vow, I’d sooner die ten thousand deaths, if I thought I should hazard the least temptation to the prejudice of my honour.	550
VICTORIA But why should your ladyship run into the mouth of danger? Who knows what scurvy, lurking devil may stand in readiness and seize your virtue before you are aware of him?
LADY SQUEAMISH Temptation? No, I’d have you know I scorn temptation. I durst trust myself in a convent amongst a kennel of crammed° friars. Besides, that ungrateful, ill-bred fellow, Valentine, is my mortal aversion: more odious to me than foul weather on a May day, or ill smell in a morning.	555
VICTORIA Nay, now madam, you are too violent.
LADY SQUEAMISH Too violent! I would not keep a waiting-woman that should commend any one thing about him. Dear Victoria, urge nothing in his behalf, for if you do, you lose my friendship forever—though I swear he was a fine person once, before he was spoiled.	560
VICTORIA (aside) I am sure your ladyship had the best share in his spoiling then.
LADY SQUEAMISH No, were I inclined to entertain addresses, I assure I need not want for servants. For, I swear, I am so perplexed with billets-doux every day, I know not which way to turn myself. Besides, there is no fidelity, no honour in mankind. O dear Victoria, whatever you do, never let love come near your heart. Though really I think true love is the greatest pleasure in the world.
VICTORIA Would I had never known love. My honour had not then lain at the mercy of so ungrateful a wretch as Goodvile, who now has certainly abandoned and forgotten me.	575
LADY SQUEAMISH Well, certainly I am the most unsteady, restless, humoursome woman breathing. Now am I so transported at the thoughts of what I have designed, that I long till the hour comes, with more impatience than—I’ll swear I know not what to say. Dear Victoria, ten thousand adieus. Wish me good success. Yet, now I think on’t, I’ll stay a little longer—I’ll swear I must not neither—well, I’ll go—no, I’ll stay—well, I am resolved neither to stand still, sit still, nor lie still, nor have one thought at rest till the business be over. I’ll swear, I am a strange creature.	580
Exit Lady Squeamish
VICTORIA Farewell, whirligig.	585
Enter Goodvile
GOODVILE [aside] Victoria here! To meet with an old mistress when a man is in pursuit of a fresh one is a worse omen than a hare in a journey. I’ll step aside this way till she’s past me. So, farewell, fubb. ° (Makes mouths)
Exit Victoria
Now for the lovely, kind, yielding Camilla! How I long for the happy hour. Swelling burning breasts, dying eyes, balmy lips, trembling joints, millions of kisses, and unspeakable joys wait for me.	590
Enter Truman and Valentine
Well, gentlemen, now you have left the ladies, I hope there may be room near your hearts for a bottle or two.
TRUMAN Dear Goodvile, thou art too powerful to be denied anything. ’Tis a fine cool evening, and a swift glass or two now were seasonable and refreshing to wash away the toil and fatigue of the day.	595
VALENTINE After a man has been disturbed with the public impertinences and follies he meets withal abroad, he ought to recompense himself with a friend and a bottle in private at night.	600
GOODVILE Spoken like men that deserve the life you enjoy. I’ll in before and put all things in readiness.
Exit Goodvile
VALENTINE This worthy person for his honesty and sobriety would have made a very good Dutch burgomaster.° But he is as damnable an English friend and gentleman as one would wish to meet withal.	605
TRUMAN Valentine, thou art too much concerned at him. Methinks Camilla’s justice, and the pleasant cheat she has put upon him, should rather make thee despise and laugh at him as I do.
VALENTINE Truman, thou indeed hast reason. And when I shall know the happy success of the revenge thou hast in store for him, I may do myself and him that justice as scorn him, but am too angry yet.	610
TRUMAN Then, to give thee ease—for I dare trust thee—know this very night I also have an assignation with his wife in the grotto at the upper end of the garden, the opposite walk to that where he expects to meet Camilla.	615
VALENTINE Then I am at rest. Let’s in. I have nothing else to do but take care so to finish him, as that you shall fear no interruption. At least he will be so full of his expectation of Camilla that he’ll never dream in what posture his own affairs stand in another place.	620
TRUMAN Away then. And may good luck attend us. Ere yet two hours are past, his wife’s my own methinks already in that secure, dark, private grotto,
Close in my arms, and languishing she lies, With dying looks, short breath, and wishing eyes; And the supine dull cuckold nothing spies. Exeunt	625