4.1

Night-garden

Enter Goodvile at one door. Mrs Goodvile, and Lettice following her, at the other

GOODVILE So, I think I came off in good time. Hold! Now for Camilla. By Jove, I think I am little better than drunk. Ha! Who’s there? Victoria, as I live; nay, it must be she, as I said before. The poor gypsy’s jealous—has had some intimation of my appointment with Camilla. I’ll loof ° off and observe which way she steers.	5
MRS GOODVILE Lettice, I fear that’s Mr Goodvile’s voice. Whatever you do, if any cross accident happens, be sure you call me Victoria.
GOODVILE Ay, ay, ’tis Victoria. Vigilant devil! But I’ll take this way and wait at the lower end of the walk.
[Exit Goodvile]
MRS GOODVILE Lettice, look well round you that nobody see us, and then follow me.	10
[Exit Mrs Goodvile and Lettice]. Enter Truman
TRUMAN Thus far all is well. How I pity poor Valentine! Yonder is he plying bumpers, as they call ’em, more furiously than a foreign minister that comes into England to drink for the honour of his country. I have waited something long, though; who comes here?	15
Enter Lettice
LETTICE ’Tis I, sir, your servant, Lettice.
TRUMAN My little, good-natured agent, is it you? Where’s thy lady? She’s too cruel to let a poor lover languish here so long in expectation. It looks as if she rather meant to make a trial of my patience than my love. Is she coming?	20
LETTICE Well, I swear—as my Lady Squeamish says—you are a strange creature. But I’ll go and tell her. Though I’ll vow I utterly disown having any hand in this business; and if any ill comes of it, ’tis none of my fault.
TRUMAN No, no, not in the least. Prithee dispatch.	25
[Exit Lettice]
How’s this! More company? Who comes there?
Enter Valentine
VALENTINE ’Tis I, Jack Truman, your friend Valentine.
TRUMAN My dear encourager of iniquity, what news? Where’s Goodvile?
VALENTINE No matter for Goodvile; here comes your mistress.	30
Enter Mrs Goodvile [and Lettice]. Valentine retires
TRUMAN [aside] Now, now, now, what devil ails me? How I shall quake and tremble.—Madam, dear madam, where are you?
MRS GOODVILE Mr Truman, is’t your voice? Lettice, you may go in again, if you will.
Exit Lettice
Well, sir, I’ll vow, sir, had it not been that I hate to break my word, I would not have ventured abroad this cold damp evening for a world.	35
TRUMAN I’ll warrant you, madam, whilst you are in my possession, no cold shall hurt you. Come, shall we withdraw to the grotto?
MRS GOODVILE Withdraw to the grotto? Bless me, sir! What do you mean? I’ll swear you make my heart ache.	40
TRUMAN O madam! I have the best cure for the passion of the heart in the world. I have tried it, madam: ’tis probatum.° Come, come; let’s retire. [She resists] Do, make a disturbance and ruin yourself and me, do!	45
MRS GOODVILE Nay, I’ll swear, sir, you are insufferably rude. You had best make a noise and alarm my husband, you had, for hang me, I shall cry out.	45
TRUMAN No, no, I’m sure you won’t complain before you are hurt, and I’ll use you so gently. Hark! Don’t you hear? There’s somebody coming.	50
MRS GOODVILE Where, where, where? If we are seen, we are undone forever. Well, I’ll never give you such an advantage again.
TRUMAN I’m sure you would not, if I should let slip this. Come, come; delays are dangerous, and I can endure ’em no longer.	55
MRS GOODVILE Ah Lord, you kill me! What will become of me? Ah-
Truman carries her in. [Valentine comes forward]
VALENTINE Nay, faith, madam, your condition is something desperate, that’s certain. ’Tis a pretty employment I am like to have here; but it is for the fate of my friend and my revenge. And two dearer arguments there cannot be to persuade me to anything.	60
Enter Malagene at some distance
MALAGENE So, Jack Truman and Madam Goodvile have ordered matters pretty well; I’ll say that for my kinswoman, she lays about her handsomely, but certainly I hear another voice this way. I’ll withdraw once again; there may be more sport yet.	65
[Exit Malagene]
VALENTINE That should be Goodvile. I’ll step behind this tree and see how he and her ladyship behave themselves. This is like to be a night of as civil business as I have known a great while.
Enter Goodvile
GOODVILE Death and the devil! How that puny rogue Valentine has soused me! ° If I should have overstayed the time now and missed of my appointment with Camilla. Truman is reeled home—that’s certain—and Valentine, I believe, has followed him by this time. Camilla, dear, lovely, kind, tender, melting Camilla, where art thou?
Enter Lady Squeamish
LADY SQUEAMISH That must be Valentine, nay, I am sure it is he. How sneakingly will he look when he shall find his mistake; but I’ll take care, if possible, that no such thing shall happen, so mine be the pleasure and Camilla’s the scandal. I’ll rush by him through the walk into the wilderness. (Runs across the walk)	75
GOODVILE That must be she; how swiftly she flew along, as if she feared to be too late, loosely attired and fit for joys! Now all the power of love and good fortune direct me.	80
Exit Goodvile
VALENTINE So, thanks to our stars, he is safe; though a pox on’t, methinks this dry pimping° is but a scurvy employment. Had I but a sister or kinswoman of his to keep doing withal, there were some comfort in it. But here comes Truman and the lady; I must not be seen.	85
Exit Valentine. Enter Truman and Mrs Goodvile
TRUMAN You shall not go. Come but back a little; I have something more to tell you that nearly concerns us both. Besides, Mr Goodvile’s in the garden, and if he should chance to meet us, what excuse could we make to him?	90
MRS GOODVILE But will you promise me Victoria shall never rob me of your heart? She does not deserve it, I am sure, half so well as I.
TRUMAN Kind, tender-hearted creature, I know it. Nor shall she ever come so near it as to know that I have one. Alas, we talk too long. (Noise) I hear company coming. We shall be surprised and disappointed, and then I am undone.	95
MRS GOODVILE I’ll swear you make me tremble—every joint of me. What would you have me do?
TRUMAN See, see, who are yonder.
Exeunt Truman and Mrs Goodvile. Enter Goodvile and Lady Squeamish
GOODVILE What a feast of delight have I had! Surely she was born only to make me happy! Her natural and inexperienced tenderness exceeded practised charms. Dear, blest, lovely Camilla! O, my joys!	100
LADY SQUEAMISH Ha, ha, ha!
GOODVILE How’s this? My Lady Squeamish? Death and the devil!
LADY SQUEAMISH Truly, sweet Mr Valentine, the same. Now, sir, I hope—ugh, gad! Mr Goodvile!	105
GOODVILE Have I been mumbling° an old kite all this while instead of my young partridge? A pox o’ my depraved palate that could distinguish no better.
LADY SQUEAMISH Lord, Mr Goodvile, what ails you? This was an unexpected adventure; but, let me die, it is very pleasant. Ha, ha, ha.	110
GOODVILE A pox on the pleasures, and you too, I say.
LADY SQUEAMISH [aside] This malicious devil Camilla has overreached me.—Well, Mr Goodvile, you are the worthiest person. Had I an only daughter, I durst trust her with you, you are so very civil. Well, innocence is the greatest happiness in the world.	115
GOODVILE Right, madam, it is so, and you know we have been very innocent; done no harm in the world, not we.
LADY SQUEAMISH The censorious world, if they knew of this accident, I know would be apt enough to speak reproachfully; but so long as I myself am satisfied in the integrity of my honour, the world is a thing I defy and scorn.	120
GOODVILE Very philosophically spoken. But madam, so long as the world is to be a stranger to our happiness, why should we deny ourselves the second pleasure of congratulation?	125
LADY SQUEAMISH Alas, alas, Mr Goodvile, you cannot say that you have had the least advantage over my frailty. Well, what might have happened if the strict severity of both our virtues had not secured us?
GOODVILE [aside] This affected impudence of hers is beyond all the impertinence I ever knew her guilty of. Virtue with a pox! I think I have reason to know her pretty well, and the devil of any virtue found I about her.	130
LADY SQUEAMISH But dear sir, let us talk no more of it. Though I am extremely mistaken if I saw not Mr Valentine enter the garden before me, and am as much mistaken if a lady was not with him too.	135
GOODVILE Hell and confusion! That must be Victoria. I thought indeed I saw her, but being hot-headed, and apprehending she came with a malicious design of discovering me, avoided her. False to me with Valentine?	140
LADY SQUEAMISH I’ll swear, Mr Goodvile, I have long suspected an intrigue between you and Madam Victoria, and this jealousy has confirmed me, and I would not for all the world but have known it. Ha, ha, ha.
GOODVILE Death madam! This is beyond all sufferance. Disappointed and jilted by Camilla! Abused by Victoria—and with Valentine too, Truman’s friend, whom I thought should have married her! Shame and infamy light upon the whole sex! May the best of ’em be ever suspected, and the most cautious always betrayed.	145
LADY SQUEAMISH Dear Mr Goodvile, be patient. Let me die, you are enough to frighten our whole sex from ever loving or trusting men again. Lord, I would not be poor Madam Victoria to gain an empire. I’ll swear, if you are not more moderate, you’ll discompose me strangely. How my heart beats!	150
GOODVILE Patience! Preach it to a galled lion. No, I am sure she is not far off, and I will find her—surprise her in the midst of her infamy and prostitution. ’Sdeath, madam, let me go.	155
LADY SQUEAMISH I will not part with you, you ill-natured creature. You shall not go. I vow, I’ll cry a rape if you offer to stir. O my heart, here’s Malagene.	160
Enter Malagene singing ‘Frank, Frank, Frank, etc.’
MALAGENE Why, how now, Frank? What a pox, out of humour? Why, madam, what have you done to him; what have you done to him, madam? Lord, how he looks! Why Frank, I say, prithee bear up.
GOODVILE Hark, you dog, fool, coxcomb, hold that impertinent, impudent tongue of yours or I’ll cut it out. ’Sdeath, you buffoon, I will.	165
MALAGENE No, but hark you, dear heart, good words, good words, do you hear, or I shall publish; by my soul, joy,° I shall.
GOODVILE How am I continually plagued with rogues and owls! I’ll set my house o’ fire rather than have it haunted and pestered by such vermin.	170
MALAGENE Faith, Frank, do. I have not seen a house o’ fire this great while. It would be a pretty frolic. Prithee let us about it presently.
LADY SQUEAMISH Dear Mr Goodvile, you shall be persuaded. Don’t run yourself into danger thus rashly.	175
GOODVILE Do you hear then, Monsieur Pimponio? As you expect to live a quiet hour, run in and call for some lights and return with ’em instantly.
MALAGENE Say no more, dear heart; I’ll do’t. If mischief comes not of this, the devil’s in’t. But dear Frank, stay till I come again; I’ll be back in a trice. Take t’other turn with her ladyship into the wilderness°—or anything.	180
Exit Malagene
LADY SQUEAMISH Let me not live, this Mr Malagene is a very obliging person; and methinks, Mr Goodvile, you use him too severely.	185
GOODVILE I wish, madam, he may deserve that character of you. He is one of those worldlings you were speaking of, that are apt to talk reproachfully, and, I believe, knows all that has passed between us tonight, for he has a shrewd, discerning judgement in these matters.
LADY SQUEAMISH Lord, Mr Goodvile, what can he say of me? I defy even envy itself to do me or my honour any prejudice, though I wish I had let this frolic alone tonight.	190
GOODVILE [aside] Frolic with a pox! If these be her frolics, what the devil is she when she is in earnest?
[Enter Malagene with torch]
O he returns with the lights. Look, who are these? By heaven, the 195 same.
Enter Truman and Mrs Goodvile
TRUMAN Gently, gently, madam, for fear of an ambuscade; I wonder I hear nothing from Ned Valentine since.
MRS GOODVILE See, see sir, here’s Mr Goodvile. Haste, haste down the other walk, or we are ruined.	200
TRUMAN Fear not. Trust all to my conduct.
Exit Truman. As Mrs Goodvile is going away, Goodvile catches hold of her gown. She claps on her mask
GOODVILE Stay, Madam Victoria, nay you may stay; ’tis in vain to fly. I have discovered all your falsehood, I have. Was mine a passion to be thus abused? I, who have given you all my heart, perfidious, false woman! Is your lover too ashamed or afraid to show himself? Where is he? Why comes he not forth?	205
Enter Truman
TRUMAN Here I am, sir.
GOODVILE Ha! Truman!
Mrs Goodvile gets loose and exits
TRUMAN Yes, sir, the same—ready both to acknowledge and justify my being here with Victoria, which I thought, sir, might have been allowed without any offence to Mr Goodvile. That she is innocent as to anything on my part, I am ready with my sword to make good; but, sir, I wear it too to do my own honour justice, and to demand of you on what grounds you appear so highly concerned for a woman you were pleased to commend to your friend for a wife.	210 215
GOODVILE Concerned, sir? Have I not reason to be concerned for the honour of my family? For a kinswoman under my charge to be abroad and alone with a gentleman at this unseasonable hour might alarm a man less tender of his reputation than I am.
TRUMAN Sir, this excuse won’t serve my turn, nor am I so blind as not to be sensible (which I before suspected) that Victoria has been long your mistress. A pox of the honour of your family. You had given her all your heart, you said, and your passion was not a thing to be thus abused. Nor, sir, is my honour.	220
GOODVILE No, but dear Jack Truman, thou art my friend.	225
TRUMAN You would have made me believe so indeed; but the daubing was too coarse and the artificial face appeared too plain. ° One would have thought, sir, that you, who keep a general decoy° here for fools and coxcombs, might have found one to have recompensed a cast mistress withal, and not have endeavoured the betraying the honour of a gentleman and your friend. But, sir, I am glad I have heard it from your own mouth. I hope it will not be esteemed much ill-nature in me, if worthy Mr Malagene and I join forces to publish a little, as he calls it.	230
MALAGENE Faith, Jack Truman, with all my heart. [Aside] Now I have him on my side, I dare say anything. Frank Goodvile, pugh.	235
GOODVILE Sir, I shall require a better account of this hereafter.
LADY SQUEAMISH Lord, Mr Truman, what ails Mr Goodvile? How happened this difference? I’ll swear, I am strangely surprised.
TRUMAN Your ladyship, I suppose, can best give an account how matters are with him. I am apt to believe he has been very free with you.	240
LADY SQUEAMISH Dear sir, what do you mean? I’ll swear, you are a scandalous person.
GOODVILE Sir, since you are so rough, be pleased not to concern yourself with the honour of this lady; you may have enough to do if you dare justify your own tomorrow.	245
TRUMAN If I dare? Nay sir, since you question it, I’ll convince you presently. Draw.
Goodvile and Truman fight. Enter Valentine
VALENTINE Hold, hold. What’s the matter here? Jack Truman, Frank Goodvile, for shame, put up.°	250
Enter Mrs Goodvile [followed by a Servant]
MRS GOODVILE Where is this perfidious, false man? Where is Mr Goodvile? So, sir, I have found now the original of all my misfortunes. I have a rival, it seems; Victoria, the happy Victoria, possesses all my joys. What, have you been fighting too for the honour of your mistress? Here, come kill me. Would I had been lain in my grave ere I had known thy odious polluted bed.	255
GOODVILE [aside] ’Sdeath, I thought she had been in her chamber this hour at least. [To Mrs Goodvile] ’Tis true, my dear, I must own a kindness for Victoria as my kinswoman, but—	260
MRS GOODVILE How, dare you own it? And to my face too? Matchless impudence! Let me come at him, that I may tear out those hot, lascivious, glowing eyes that wander after every beauty in their way. O, that I could blast him with a look! Was my love so despicable to be abandoned for Victoria’s? The thought of it makes me mad. I’ll endure it no longer: I will have revenge, or I will die! O!	265
TRUMAN [aside] Delicate dissimulation! How I love her!
GOODVILE Dear madam, hear me speak. Madam, I say that—
MRS GOODVILE I know you cannot want an excuse; dissimulation and falsehood have been your practice. But that you should wrong me with Victoria, a woman that for the sake of your relation I had made my friend—for everything that was allied to you was dear to me—is an injury so great that it distracts my reason. I could pardon anything but my wronged love. Let me be gone; send me to a nunnery; confine me to a charnel house,° vile, ungrateful wretch—anything but thy presence I can endure.	270 275
GOODVILE Is there every way so damned a creature as a wife? Lord, madam, do you know what you do?
MRS GOODVILE I’ll warrant it, you would persuade me I am mad. Would I had been born a fool! I might then have been happy. Patiently have passed over the many tedious nights I have endured in your absence. Contented myself with prayers for your safety—	280
MALAGENE O Lord, prayers!
MRS GOODVILE —when you in the very instant were languishing in the arms of a prostitute.	285
GOODVILE Lord, madam, I thought you had been in your chamber now. [Aside] Curse on her! What shall I do?
MRS GOODVILE ’Tis a sign you believed me safe enough; you would not certainly else have had the impudence to have brought a new mistress under my nose. I see there how guilty she stands; have you a stomach so hot that it can digest carrion that has been buzzed about and blown upon° by all the flies in the town? Or was it the fantasticalness of your appetite, to try how so coarse a dish would relish, after being cloyed with better feeding? Nay sir, I have been informed of all.	290 295
VALENTINE(to Lady Squeamish) Has then your virtuous ladyship been taking a little love and air with Mr Goodvile this evening?
GOODVILE (aside) Well, she has dealt with the devil, that’s certain. A pox on’t. I see there’s no living for me in this side of the world. [To the Servant] Go, let the coach be made ready; I’ll into the country.	300
[Exit Servant]
MRS GOODVILE Nay, sir, I know my presence has always been uneasy to you. Day and night you are from me; or if ever you come home, ’tis with an aching head and heavy heart, which Victoria only has charms enough to cure. This in the first year of our marriage! Nay, and to own it! Proclaim your own falsehood and my disgraceful injury in the face of the world when Malagene too, the trumpet of all the scandal in town, was by to be a witness! ’Twas very discreetly done, and doubtless will be a secret long.	305
GOODVILE Whirr!° Nay, since it is so, why the devil should I strive to smother my good actions? Well, if you will have it so, Madam Victoria has been my mistress, is my mistress, and shall be my mistress, and what a pox would you have more? And so good-bye to you.	310
Enter Sir Noble Clumsy, Caper, and Saunter
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY How’s this? Who’s that speaks dishonourably of my love and lady that shall be, Victoria? Before George, she’s a queen, and whoever says to the contrary, I’ll first make him eat my sword, and then beat out his teeth with the hilts of it.	315
CAPER[to Lady Squeamish] O! Dear madam, yonder’s all the town in masquerade. Won’t you walk in? They’ll be gone if they see no company. Jack Truman, dear Jack, prithee go and take one frisk. As I hope to be saved, there are three or four the finest ladies, the delicatest-shaped women; I am sure I know ’em all.	320
TRUMAN Sir, I wish you good fortune, but I dare not venture. You know my temper; I shall be very boisterous and mistake ’em for whores, though if they be of your acquaintance, I know they must be of quality.	325
CAPER Egad, and so they are, but mum for that. One of ’em is she that gave me this ring, and the other presented me with a gold enamelled watch could not cost less than thirty guineas. Trifles, Jack, which I have the fortune to meet withal sometimes.	330
SAUNTER Nay, sir, you must not come off so; Victoria your mistress!
GOODVILE Yes, sir, and how are you concerned at it?
SAUNTER Nay, sir, I can be as civil as anybody; Victoria your mistress!
GOODVILE ’Sdeath, you coxcomb, mind your singing, do you hear? And play the fool by yourself or—	335
SAUNTER Sing, sir? So I can. [Sings] ‘Fa, la, da, la, la, etc.. Victoria your mistress!
GOODVILE Yes, sir; I say, my mistress.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Oons, then draw.
VALENTINE Hold, Sir Noble; you are too furious. What’s the matter?	340
CAPER Why, how now, Saunter? How dost do, dear heart? Sir, this gentleman’s my friend and—
GOODVILE Was ever man so overwhelmed with fools and blockheads? Why, you ill-ordered, addle-pated, waddling brace of puppies! [To Saunter] You fool, in the first place sing and be safe. [To Caper] And you, slight grasshopper, dance and divert me. Dance, sirrah, do you hear?	345
CAPER Dance, sir? And so I think I can, sir, and fence, and play at tennis, and make love, and fold up a billet-doux, or anything better than you, sir. Dance, quotha? There, sir!°	350
MRS GOODVILE Nay, Sir Noble, not only so, but owned and boasted of it to my face. Told me—
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Soul of my honour, ’tis unpardonable. And I’ll eat his heart for it.
GOODVILE [to Sir Noble Clumsy] Dear raw head and bloody bones,° be patient a little. [To Saunter and Caper] See, see, you beagles. Game for you, fresh game; that great towser° has started it already. On, on, on. Halloo, halloo, halloo.	355
Thrusts Saunter and Caper at Mrs Goodvile and exits
LADY SQUEAMISH But dear Mr Caper, masqueraders, did you say? I’ll swear I’ll among ’em; shall I not have your company? O, dear masqueraders! I’ll vow, I can stay no longer.	360
Exit Lady Squeamish hastily
VALENTINE Curse on her; she’s gone and has prevented me. Caper, Saunter, did you not hear my lady call you? She’s gone to the masqueraders; for shame, follow her. She’ll take it ill you did not wait on her.	365
SAUNTER Faith, Caper, and so she will. Well, I am resolved to marry Victoria for fear of the worst. ° [To Mrs Goodvile] Madam, your most devoted servant. I hope our difference with Mr Goodvile tonight—
MRS GOODVILE Dear sir, it needs no excuse.	370
CAPER My resentments,° madam—
TRUMAN You are too ceremonious, gentlemen, and my lady will fear she has lost you.
CAPER Dear Jack, as I told thee before, I must bring thee acquainted with those ladies.	375
SAUNTER Prithee put on a mask and come among us, Jack, faith, do.
TRUMAN Sirs, I’ll wait on you in a moment.
SAUNTER ANDCAPER (embracing him) Dear soul, adieu.
Exeunt Saunter and Caper singing and dancing
TRUMAN These coxcombs, madam, came in a good time; they were never seasonable before.	380
MRS GOODVILE Diseases and visitations are necessary sometimes to sweep away the noisome crowds that infest and encumber the world.
MALAGENE As I have often said, I must publish, I must spread; and so good-bye to you.
Exit Malagene. Enter Lettice
LETTICE O, madam! Yonder’s my master raving for his coach. Says he’ll into the country presently—has given order to disperse the company. What will you do?	385
MRS GOODVILE Let him go. ’Twere pity to hinder him. Ha, ha, ha. Into the country? I’d as soon believe he would turn Capuchin.°
TRUMAN But, madam, ’twas inhumanly done, to come yourself upon him. One would have thought that I had used him bad enough for the wise mistake he made of Victoria.	390
MRS GOODVILE I would not have missed it for the world. Now would he come on his knees for composition;° and if I do not bring him to it within these four hours—	395
TRUMAN Why, madam, what will you do?
MRS GOODVILE Put on all the notorious affectations and ridiculous impertinencies that ever the most eminent of our sex have studied, or the coxcombs of your sex admired; then, of a sudden, seem to grow fond of both those clinquant fools, which I am sure he, of all things, loaths; yet do it too so forcedly that he himself shall find it only intended to give him vexation.	400
TRUMAN Have you then maliciously designed in spite of nature to keep me constant?
MRS GOODVILE Which you will be sure to be!	405
TRUMAN A dozen, new, fresh, young unseen beauties, and the devil himself in the rear of ’em, cannot make me otherwise. I never really loved or lived till now. There is nothing I’d not wish to be, except the very husband himself, rather than lose you.
Enter Valentine and Camilla
VALENTINE Jack Truman!	410
TRUMAN Well, Ned, what’s the matter?
VALENTINE Treason, Truman; your being here with Mrs Goodvile, I fear, is discovered. I heard some such thing whispered among the masqueraders, and Goodvile himself seems suddenly altered. I would advise you to come and show yourself, and make the best on’t.	415
[Exeunt Valentine and Camilla]
MRS GOODVILE Let me alone; I’ll secure all, I’ll warrant you. I’m sure he can have no positive proofs. I’ll instantly go and put all things in a confusion, contradict all the orders he has given for going into the country, shut up myself in my chamber, and not hear a word of him till he comes upon submission. Lettice, follow me to my chamber presently.	420
Exit Mrs Goodvile
TRUMAN Right exquisite woman and wife, good luck attend thee.
Exit Truman
LETTICE Well, my lady, certainly of a young lady, knows her business and understands the managing of a husband the best of any woman in the world. I’ll swear she is an ingenious person. Forty ladies now at such an accident would have been hurried and afraid, and the poor waiting woman must have been sent forward and backward, and backward and forward, to hearken and inquire; but she shows all her changes in a motion.°	425
Enter Goodvile
GOODVILE How now, Lettice? Where’s your lady?	430
LETTICE Within, sir, in her chamber.
GOODVILE Are you sure of it?
LETTICE Sir, she commanded me to follow her thither but now.
GOODVILE Is she alone there?
LETTICE Ay, sir, I’ll assure you she seldom desires company. But I must hasten and follow her.	435
GOODVILE Stay a little; are you sure she was in the house, before this disturbance happened in the garden?
LETTICE Sure, sir, why, I myself was at the chamber window with her when first she heard you exclaim against Madam Victoria. Poor creature, I was afraid she would have fallen down dead on the floor. I catched her in my arms, begged of her on my knees not to run out; but she would hear nothing, but spite of force broke from me, and came hither with all that impatience and rage the too sensible resentment of your unkindness had raised in her.	440 445
GOODVILE Get you in presently, do you hear? And take no notice of what I have said to you, as you tender your well-being.
LETTICE Yes, sir. [Aside] But if I conceal a word of it, may I never serve London lady again, but be condemned to be a country chambermaid and kill fleas as long as I live.	450
[Exit Lettice]
GOODVILE If I should have been in the wrong all this while, and mistaken my own dear wife for Victoria! Ah, curse on this hot head of mine! Pox on’t, it is impossible! Yet that mischievous rogue Malagene was all the while in the garden, and he has been at his doubts, and ambiguities, and maybes with me. By this light, I am a cuckold, an arrant, rank, stinking cuckold.	455
Enter Victoria
VICTORIA What will become of me! Whither shall I fly to hide my misfortune? O, that I might never see the light again, but be forever concealed in these shades!
GOODVILE Dear Victoria, is it you? Be free with me: were you really in the garden before tonight, or no?	460
VICTORIA I have not been out of the house since it was dark, till this minute; nor had I come hither now, but that I am destitute° where to conceal myself from the malicious eyes and tongues of those, to whom your baseness has given an opportunity of triumphing over my misfortune and ruined honour.	465
GOODVILE Be not so outrageous;° I’ll reconcile all yet.
VICTORIA Which way is it possible? By tomorrow morning your very footmen will have it in their mouths; and Malagene, that keeps an office of intelligence for all the scandal in town, will be spreading it among his coffee-house companions,° and at the play whisper it to the orange-women, ° who shall make a fulsome jest of it to the next coxcomb that comes in half drunk, to loll and play, and be nauseously lewd with ’em in public.	470
GOODVILE I tell thee, it shall not be so; Malagene’s my creature, or at least, henceforth I’ll make him so. I have reasons for it, and to believe also that my wife, my own delicate, damned wife, was the same I mistook for you in the garden tonight.	475
VICTORIA ’Tis true I was at the same time to see for her in her chamber, and she was not there, but cannot believe her in the least guilty of what you seem to accuse her of.	480
GOODVILE Confound her. She’s an exquisite jilt, thorough paced and practised in all the cunning arts and slights of falsehood. ’Sdeath, how I could mince her! But here comes Malagene; he knows all, and I’ll make him confess all, or I’ll murder him.	485
Enter Malagene
Well, sir, what say you to this matter?
MALAGENE Faith, bully, I think my dear kinswoman has mauled you to some purpose. I’ll say this for her: she has the true blood of the Malagenes in her. [Sings]’ To lol dara lal, etc.’
GOODVILE What is’t you mean, fool? Be plain and unfold yourself.	490
MALAGENE Why, you must know, Frank, having a particular esteem for my family—the nearest relation of which I would go fifty miles to see hanged—I do think her as very a—but no more. Mum, dear heart; mum, I say.
GOODVILE What’s that you say, sir? What do you think my wife?	495
MALAGENE Ay, what, Frank? What now?
GOODVILE Nay, sir, that you must resolve me.
MALAGENE Why, then, I’ll tell thee, Frank. Dost thou really think I love thee?
GOODVILE I know you’ll say so, sir, because you fear me.	500
MALAGENE Then prithee do so much as lend me ten guineas for a day or two.
GOODVILE O sir, to the purpose, to the purpose. Be brief.
MALAGENE Nay, then, mum, I say again.
GOODVILE Will you never leave vexing me with your impertinence? Must I be always forced to use you ill to bring you to good manners?	505
MALAGENE Faith, child, I am loath to make mischief; I have been a very wicked, ill-natured, impudent fellow, that’s the truth on’t. But I find I lose myself by it. The very poets themselves that were wont to stand in awe of me, care not a louse for me now; and there’s not a common whore in town but calls me rogue and rascal to my face, as impudently as if I were her pimp.	510
GOODVILE Therefore, sir, resolve to turn honest and be just to your friend.
MALAGENE The devil take me, Frank, if thou art not a very impertinent fellow. Know! Why, who should know better than yourself? Ha!	515
GOODVILE Here are five guineas for you, upon condition you make a full and true relation of all you have discovered this night.
MALAGENE I’ll do’t. Down with your dust.°
GOODVILE [aside] What will not this rakehell do to borrow money? I knew him make love to a chambermaid till he had borrowed five pounds of her at half a crown a time.	520
MALAGENE Well, Frank Goodvile, you may think as you please of me, but hang me like a dog if I am not a very honest fellow in my heart. You would have me deal freely with you, you say, in this business?	525
GOODVILE I would so, sir, or I shall deal very roughly with you.
MALAGENE And you lent me these five guineas to that purpose?
GOODVILE You are much in the right, sir.
MALAGENE Then to make short of the matter, thou art as arrant a poor, silly cuckold as one would wish to drink withal, and confound me if I shall not be ashamed of thy company.	530
GOODVILE Confounded whore! O for a legion of devils to hurry her to hell, and that I had but the driving of ’em!
MALAGENE Nay, nay, man, since ’tis so, never be angry for the matter. What a pox, you thought to put the mistress upon Truman. Truman has put the cuckold upon you; Valentine has been pimp in the business; and the devil take me if I don’t think myself the honestest fellow amongst you.	535
VICTORIA Now, sir, consider what a wretched thing you have made me.
GOODVILE No more; I’m thine, and here I seal my heart to thee forever.	540
MALAGENE Well, Frank, can I serve thee any further in this business?
GOODVILE That, sir, is as time shall try. And, to convince you how fit I think you for my purpose, I know you are a rascal not to be trusted. Therefore observe it: if you offer to stir beyond the limits I set you, at that very instant I’ll murder you.	545
MALAGENE Prithee talk not to me of limits and murdering; I hope you take me, sir, under the rose, for no fool. And what a pox do you think to make of me?
GOODVILE A spaniel to hunt and set the game I mean to take. O, Malagene, there will be mischief, Malagene, and new, ripe, fresh scandal to treat of. I know it is an office thou lovest, and therefore do it to oblige thee.	550
MALAGENE I’faith, and so I do with all my heart. But, Frank, I don’t know how this business will be brought about well. I have promised to meet two or three hearty old souls tomorrow at dinner, to swear and drink and talk bawdy and treason together for an hour or two; they are all atheists and very honest fellows.	555
GOODVILE O, sir, you may be hanged in good time. But, for this present occasion, I must use you.—Victoria, do you with all your utmost art dissemble but the least knowledge of what has happened tonight. And, sir, do you keep still that lying, sneering, ugly, merry face which you always wear when you design mischief. I’ll pretend this morning to pursue my design of going into the country; then, when they are in the height of their pleasures and assurance of their safety, return and surprise ’em.	560 565
VICTORIA But do you believe, sir, that you can utterly abandon all sense of your past love and tenderness for a woman who has been so dear to you? You will be apt to relapse again.
GOODVILE I will sooner return to my vomit.° I am rather glad of the occasion to be rid of so troublesome, uneasy a burden. A wife after a year, like a garment that has been worn too long, hangs loose and awkwardly on a man and grows a scandal to him that wears it.	570
VICTORIA But can you then resolve to quit and disown her forever?
GOODVILE Forever, my Victoria! No more, but straight go to thy chamber and wait for the happy issue. You sir, keep close to me. Quit her? As cheerfully as I would a shoe that wrings me. Then how loosely shall I move,	575
Free and unbounded, taste the sweets of life, Love where I please, and know no more the strife That’s bred by that domestic plague called wife.	580

       Exeunt

5.1

Victoria’s chamber

Eter Victoria

VICTORIA Now I am satisfied I must be wretched! O love! Unhappy women’s curse and men’s slight game to pass their idle time at. I find too in myself the common companion of infamy, malice. Has Goodvile’s wife ever wronged me? Never. Why then should I conspire to betray her? No, let my revenge light wholly on that false, perjured man. As he has deceived and ruined me, I’ll play false with him, make myself privy to his whole design of surprising Truman and his wife together. Then, like a true mistress, betray his counsels to her, that she, like a true wife, may spite of his teeth deceive him quite; and so I have the pleasure of seeing him a sealed, stigmatized, fond, believing cuckold. ‘Twill at least be some ease to me. Here he comes, equipped and prepared for the pretended journey.	5 10
Enter Goodvile and Boy
GOODVILE Go bid the coachman hasten and get all things ready. I am uneasy till I am gone. ’Tis time we were set out.	15
[Exit Boy]
The wolves have preyed, and look the gentle day Before the wheels of Phoebus all about° Dapples the drowsy east with spots of gray.°
Wife! Adieu, dear wife. Ah, my Victoria, up already? So diligent to wish me a happy journey? Certainly my good angel is like thee, and whensoe’er I err, must meet me in thy shape. And with such softness smile and direct me.	20
VICTORIA As those whom will-with-the-wisp bewitches Through bogs, through hedges and ditches.°
GOODVILE No. Thou hast led me out of the crooked, froward road of matrimony into the pleasant, easy path of love, where I can never leave my way and must be always happy. But where’s Malagene?	25
VICTORIA Below with Sir Noble. Whilst the butler was asleep, they stole the key from him. And there they are with the fat, red-faced fiddler that plays upon the bass, sitting cross-legged upon the floor, stripped to their shirts, and drinking bawdy healths.	30
GOODVILE That fulsome rogue will ruin all our business. See here what I have discovered just now in the private corner of a window, a place I supposed appointed for the purpose. I found this billet to my sweet wife. (Reads) ‘If Goodvile goes out of town this morning, let me know it, that I may wait on you, and tell you the rest of my heart, for you do not know how much I love you yet. Truman.’ Now if I am not a cuckold, let any honest wittol° judge. Ha, ha, ha. How it pleases me! Blood, fire, and daggers!	35 40
VICTORIA But, sir, what do you resolve on?
GOODVILE As I told thee, instantly to pretend a journey out of town and return and surprise ’em, for I am sure they’ll not be long asunder when I am out of the way. O, this billet is a very honest billet, and I know won’t lie. But why should I spend my time in talking of what but vexes me, when pleasures are so near me? Come my Victoria, take me to thy arms; a moment’s joy with thee would sweeten years of cares. The devil—	45
Enter Mrs Goodvile and Lettice
MRS GOODVILE Good morning to you, sir.
GOODVILE Goodnight to you, madam.	50
MRS GOODVILE How so, sir?
GOODVILE Why, goodnight or good-morrow, ’tis all one. Ceremony is the least thing I take care of. You see I am busy.
MRS GOODVILE I must confess, considering the humble duty of a wife, ’tis something rude in me to interrupt you, but I hope when you know my intentions, you’ll pardon me. They were only to take a civil leave of you. I find you are preparing for the country, sir.	55
GOODVILE Ay. A little air will be very seasonable at present, madam; I shall grow rank° else, and all the company I keep will smell me out.
MRS GOODVILE O what joy will fill each neighbouring village, to hear our landlord’s honour’s coming down. The bells shall jangle out of tune all day; and at night the curate of the hamlet comes in the name of the whole parish to bid his patron welcome into the country, and invite himself the next Lord’s day° to dinner.	60
GOODVILE I am glad to see you so pleasant, madam.	65
MRS GOODVILE Then, the next morning, our tenant’s dainty daughter is sent with a present of pippins of the largest size, culled by the good old drudge her mother, which she delivers with a curtsy, and blushes in expectation of what his worship will bestow upon her.
GOODVILE O madam, let not any thoughts of that nature disturb you; I shall leave all my wanton inclinations here, and only please myself when I am there sometimes to contemplate your ladyship’s picture in the gallery.	70
MRS GOODVILE Then come the country squires and their dogs, the cleanlier sort of creatures of the two. Straight w’ are invited to the noble hunt, and not a deer in all the forest’s safe.	75
GOODVILE No, madam. No horned beast shall suffer for my pleasure. I am lately grown a philosopher, madam, and find we ought not hurt our fellow creatures.
MRS GOODVILE What is the reason that you use me thus?	80
GOODVILE What is’t I would not do to purchase quietness? Your injurious suspicions of me were tolerable, but the wrongs your jealousy has done Victoria—
MRS GOODVILE I jealous of Victoria! No. Though my passion last night made me extravagant when I discovered you with that naughty Lady Squeamish, which I can easily forgive, if you’ll but promise to forget her. For I am confident it was your first transgression.	85
GOODVILE Very quaint and pretty.
MRS GOODVILE Yet I am too well satisfied of Victoria’s virtue, for she’s my friend, and though I should see her in your arms, I could not harbour such a thought.—No, Victoria, you must love me, and I’ll love you; you shall call me your love, and I’ll call you my dear; and we’ll always go to the play together, and to the park together, and everywhere together; and when Mr Goodvile’s out of town, we’ll lie together.°	90
Enter Servant	95
SERVANT Sir, the coach is ready.
GOODVILE You think, madam, you have a fine, easy fool to play withal, but the gayness of your face is too thin to hide the rancour of your heart; and so, my dear, jocund, witty devil wife, I take my leave of you, never more from this minute to look on you.	100
MRS GOODVILE Are you then inexorable? Relentless, cruel man!
GOODVILE Good, easy, melting, kind-hearted woman, farewell.
Exit Goodvile
MRS GOODVILE Ah, wretched me.
LETTICE My lady swoons. Dear madam Victoria, hasten and bring my master back again; you can do anything with him.	105
Exit Victoria
MRS GOODVILE No, no, Lettice. Let him alone; art thou sure he’s gone?
LETTICE I hope so,° madam.
MRS GOODVILE Then so soon as I am returned to my chamber, be sure you go yourself to Mr Truman, and tell him if he has nothing else to do he may come hither today.	110
Enter Victoria
VICTORIA There is no prevailing with him; he cries aloud his house is infected, and that no man that values his health will stay in it. My Lady Squeamish too is arrived just as he left the door. I am sure she’ll come in; will you see her, madam?	115
MRS GOODVILE O I am sick at the very name of her. Let all the doors be barred against her, and gun powder under each threshold-place, ready to blow her up, if she but offer an entrance. Lettice, lend me your hand a little. I’ll to my chamber instantly. O my head!
Exit Mrs Goodvile with Lettice
VICTORIA This management of hers so charms me, that I can almost forget all the mischief she has done me. ’Tis true she reproached me, but ’twas done so handsomely that I had doubly deserved it to have taken notice of it.	120
Enter Lady Squeamish
LADY SQUEAMISH O dear Victoria, what will become of me? I am lost and undone forever. O I shall die, I shall die; the lord of my heart, the jewel of my soul, is false to me.	125
VICTORIA What ails your ladyship? Surely she’s distracted!
LADY SQUEAMISH O Goodvile, Goodvile! The false, cruel, remorseless Goodvile! I came just as his coach was parting from the door, yet he would not speak to me, would hardly see me, but away he drove, and smiling mocked my sorrows.	130
VICTORIA Alas, her ladyship is passionate, as I live, very passionate.
LADY SQUEAMISH So Theseus left the wretched Ariadne on the shore, so fled the false Eneas from his Dido.°
VICTORIA What could you expect less of him, madam? Falsehood is his province. Your ladyship should have made choice of a civil, sober, discreet person, but Goodvile, you know, is a spark, a very spark.	135
LADY SQUEAMISH That, that has been my ruin; it was therefore I adored him. What woman would dote on a dull, melancholy ass? Because she might be sure of him? No, a spark is my life, my darling, the joy of my soul. O how I dote on a spark! I could live and die with a spark. Victoria, I make you a confidante, and you must pardon me for robbing you of Mr Goodvile. Come, come. I know all.	140
VICTORIA Your ladyship knows more than all the world besides.
LADY SQUEAMISH And as I was saying, a spark is the dearest thing to me in the world; I have had acquaintance, I think, with all the sparks. Well, one of ’em that you know was a sweet person. O he danced and sung and dressed to a miracle, and then he spoke French as if he had been bred all his lifetime at Paris, and admired everything that was French. Besides, he would look so languishingly and lisp so prettily when he talked, and then never wanted discourse. I’ll swear, he has entertained me two hours together with the description of an equipage.	145 150
VICTORIA That must needs be very charming.
LADY SQUEAMISH But Mr Goodvile was a wit too. O, I never had a wit before, for, to speak the truth, now I think on’t better, all my lovers have been a little foolish, I’ll swear. Ha, ha, ha.	155
MALAGENE(at the door, drunk) Scour, scour, scour.°
SIRNOBLE CLUMSY(at the door, drunk) Down goes the main mast, down, down, down.	160
Enter Malagene and Sir Noble Clumsy
Malagene, roar, roar, and ravish; here are punks in beaten satin,° sirrah, termagant, triumphant, first-rate punks, you rogue.
VICTORIA How came these ruffians here?
SIRNOBLE CLUMSY Ruffians! Do you know who you talk to, madam? I am a civil, sober, discreet person and come particularly to embrace thy lovely body.	165
MALAGENE Look you, madam, make no noise about this matter. This is a person of quality and a friend of mine; therefore, pray be civil.
LADY SQUEAMISH Has Mr Goodvile left no footmen at home to cudgel such fops? Faugh! How like drunken, journeymen tailors° they look!	170
MALAGENE Journeymen, madam! Hold there! None of your ladyship’s journeymen, that’s one comfort! Woe to the poor devil that is, I say.
LADY SQUEAMISH Were Mr Goodvile at home you durst not talk thus, you scandalous fellow.	175
MALAGENE Goodvile, you say. Hark you, my dear, were he here in person, I would first of all decently kick him out of doors, then turn up thy keel and discover here to thy kinsman what a leaky vessel thou art!
SIRNOBLE CLUMSY Why, what is that Goodvile? Will he wrestle? Or will he box for 50 pounds? Look you, this fellow is my pimp. ’Tis true his countenance is none of the best. But he’s a neat° lad and keeps good company.	180
MALAGENE Hark you, knight! You’ll bear me out° in this business, knight? For, under the rose, I have apprehension that this carcass of mine may suffer else.	185
SIRNOBLE CLUMSY No more of that, rogue, no more. Take notice, good people. [Indicates Malagene] This civil person shall marry my sister; she is a pretty, hopeful lady. Truly, she is not full thirteen, but she has had two children already, od’s heart.	190
VICTORIA Ridiculous oaf!
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Come, let us talk bawdy.
VICTORIA I’ll call those shall talk with you presently.
Exit Victoria
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Whew! She’s gone.
LADY SQUEAMISH Beast! Brute! Barbarian! Sot!	195
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY O law! My aunt! What have I done now? Madam, as I hope to be—(Runs against her and almost beats her backward)°
LADY SQUEAMISH O help! I am murdered! O my head!
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Nay, lady, that was no fault of mine. You shall see I’ll keep my distance and, as I was saying, if I have offended—(Reels against a table and throws down a china jar and several little china dishes)	200
LADY SQUEAMISH O insufferable! Quickly, quickly, a porter and basket to carry out this swine to a dunghill.	205
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Look you, madam, no harm, no harm! You shall see me behave myself notably yet—as, for example, suppose now, suppose this the door. (Goes to the door) Very well. Thus then I move—(Steps forward and leaves his peruke on one of the hinges) Ha! Who was that? Rogues! Dogs! Sons of whores!	210
Enter Servants
FIRST SERVANT Such as we are, sir, you shall find us at your service.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Murder, murder, murder.
[Exit Servants]
MALAGENE [aside] Where there is such odds, a man may with honour retire and steal off.
Exit Malagene. Enter Caper and Saunter
CAPER Where is this rascal? This coxcomb? This fop? How dare you come hither, sir, to affront ladies and persons of quality!	215
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Sir, your humble servant. Did you see my periwig?
CAPER Sir, you are an ass and never wore periwig in your life. [Looks at Sir Noble Clumsy’s peruke] Jernié,° what a bush of briars and thorns is here! The mane of my Lady Squeamish’s shock° is a chedreux to it.	220
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Why, sir, I know who made it. He was an honest fellow and a barber, and one that loved music and poetry.
SAUNTER How, sir! 225	225
CAPER But, sir, come close to the business. How durst you treat ladies so rudely as we saw you but now? Answer to that, and tell not us of music and poetry.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Why, he had all Westminster Drollery° and Oxford Jests° at his fingers’ ends. And, for the cittern,° if ever Troy Town° were a tune, he mastered it upon that instrument, when he was our butler in the country. An old maid of my grandmother’s took great delight in him for it.
SAUNTER But, sir, this is nothing to our business.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Business! Hang business! I hate a man of business. If you’ll drink or whore, break windows, or commit murder, I am for you.	235
CAPER Sir, will you fight?
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Fight! With whom? For what?
CAPER With me.	240
SAUNTER With me.
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Ay, sir, with all my heart; I love fighting, sir.
SAUNTER But will you, sir? Dare you?
CAPER Ay, sir, will you fight? Do you think you dare fight?
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Why, you sweet-perfumed, jessamine° knaves! You rogues in buckram!° Were there a dozen of you, I’d beat you out of your artificial sweetness into your own natural rankness, you stinkards! Shall I draw my Cerberus° and cut you off, you gaudy popinjays?°	245
CAPER This fellow’s mad, Saunter, stark mad, by Jericho. Dear knight, how long hast thou been in this pickle, this condition, knight. Ha?	250
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY What pickle, what conditions, you worms?
SAUNTER Ay, ay, ’tis so. The poor devil must to Bedlam—Bedlam,° knight, the madman’s hospital.	255
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY What will become of you then, you vermin? There’s never a hospital for fools yet; mercy on me if there were! How many handsome fellows in this town might be provided for?
Fiddles play offstage
CAPER Hey-day! Fiddles!
SAUNTER Madam Goodvile, hearing we were here, hath sent for ’em on purpose to regale us.	260
Enter Mrs Goodvile, Lettice, Lady Squeamish, with the fiddles playing. Saunter falls to sing the tune with ’em and Caper dances to it
MRS GOODVILE Let my servants take care that all the doors stand open. I’ll have entrance denied to no one fool in town. Mr Caper and Mr Saunter here? Then we can never want company. [To Lady Squeamish] Come, madam, let us begin the revels of the day; I long to enjoy the freedom I am mistress of. Lettice, try your voice. °	265
LADY SQUEAMISH O madam, this gallant spirit ravishes me! Dear Mr Caper, you and Mr Saunter were born to be happy. Madam Goodvile has resolved to sacrifice this day to pleasure. What shall we do with ourselves?	270
CAPER Do, madam! We’ll dance forever.
LADY SQUEAMISH O ay, dance.
SAUNTER And sing.
LADY SQUEAMISH And sing.	275
CAPER AND SAUNTER And love.
LADY SQUEAMISH O ay, love! But, Madam Goodvile, have you resolved to wear the willow° and be very melancholy? Ha, ha, ha. Fiddles, where are you? I cannot endure you out of my sight.
MRS GOODVILE Willow! Hang it; give it to country girls that sigh for clowns, and melancholy is a disease for bankrupt beauty. I have yet a stock of youth and charms,	280
Unsullied by the hands of age or care, And whilst that lasts, what woman would despair?
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY In the meantime, I’ll scout out for a doxy of my acquaintance hard by, return in triumph, and let Victoria go hang and despair. (Sings)	285
To love is a pleasure divine; Yet I’ll never sigh or be sad. They are coxcombs that languish and pine, So long as whores are to be had. To daroll, darolda.	290
LADY SQUEAMISH O secure that deformed monster, that rebel of mine. Fellows take care of him, and keep him up till I talk with him and make him sensible of his enormities.	295
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Slaves, a vaunt! If my lady will have it so, I’ll walk soberly into the garden and consider of what is past. [Sings]’ To love is a pleasure, etc.’
Exit Sir Noble Clumsy
MRS GOODVILE Lettice!
LETTICE Madam.	300
MRS GOODVILE Is Mr Truman come?
LETTICE He’ll be here presently, madam.
Enter Page with a letter
PAGE A letter for your ladyship.
MRS GOODVILE Who brought it?
PAGE A porter brought it to the door, madam, but said he had no orders to stay for an answer.	305
Exit Page
MRS GOODVILE [aside] A woman’s hand! (Reads) ‘Mr Goodvile’s journey out of town is but a pretence. He is jealous of you and Mr Truman; you will find him anon, returned in hopes to surprise you together. Though he has trusted me with the secret and obliged me to assist him in it, yet I would endeavour by this discovery to persuade you that I am your real servant. Victoria. Postscript. Beware of Malagene, for he’s appointed the spy to betray you.’ This is generously done, Victoria, and I’ll study to deserve it of thee. Now, if I plague not this wise, jealous husband of mine, let all wives curse me and cuckolds laugh at me.—Fiddles, lead in! Mr Caper and Mr Saunter, pray wait on my lady and entertain her a little. I’ll follow you presently.	310 315
LADY SQUEAMISH Come, Mr Caper, will you walk?
CAPER A coranto, madam?	320
LADY SQUEAMISH Ay, ten thousand, ten thousand. Mr Saunter, I would be always near you two. O for a grove now and a purling brook with that delightful, charming voice of yours! Come, let us walk and study which way to divert ourselves.
CAPER Allons, for love and pleasure! By these hands—	325
SAUNTER By those eyes—
LADY SQUEAMISH O, no more, no more! I shall be lost in happiness!
Exeunt Lady Squeamish, Caper, and Saunter
MRS GOODVILE So. This consort of fools shall be the chorus to my farce. Now all the malice, ill-nature, falsehood, and hypocrisy of my sex inspire me! Lettice, see Camilla be sent for instantly; she shall join with me in my revenge—she has reason. Mr Valentine, I suppose, will be here with Mr Truman.	330
Enter Truman
TRUMAN And think you, madam, he durst not answer a fair lady’s challenge without a second?
MRS GOODVILE You would pretend, I’ll warrant you, to be very stout. You hectors in love are as errant cheats as hectors in fighting that bluster, rant, and make a noise for the present, but, when they come to the business, prove errant dastards and good for nothing.	335
TRUMAN But madam, you should find I dare do something, would you but be civil and stand your ground.	340
MRS GOODVILE What think you, though, of a cutthroat husband now behind the hangings? What would become of you then?
TRUMAN Whilst I have such beauty on my side, nothing can hurt me.
MRS GOODVILE Then, sir, prepare yourself; Mr Goodvile is really jealous and mistrusts all or more than has passed between us. His journey out of town was but a pretence, but we shall see him instantly in expectation to catch us together.	345
TRUMAN Fear him not, madam; these moles that work underground are as blind as they are busy. Let him run on in his dull jealousy, whilst we still find new windings out and lose him in the maze.	350
MRS GOODVILE Then if you wish to preserve me yours, join with me today in my design, which is, if possible, to make him mad, work him up to the height of furious suspicion, and, at that moment when he thinks his jealousy most just, baffle him out of it. And let the world know how dull a tool a husband is, compared with that triumphant thing, a wife, and her guardian angel lover.	355
TRUMAN But Mr Goodvile, madam, has wit, and so good an opinion of it too.
MRS GOODVILE ’Tis that shall be his ruin. Were he a fool, he were not worth the trouble of deceiving.	360
TRUMAN Dear jewel of my soul, proceed then and prosper. But what must be my part?
MRS GOODVILE To secure Malagene. That ill-natured villain has betrayed us and is appointed by Goodvile chief instrument in the discovery. He has cowardice enough to sell his soul to buy off a beating. He never told truth enough to be believed once so long as he lives. Get him but in your power, and he shall own more villainies than ever were in his thoughts to commit, or the necessity of our affair can invent to put upon him.	365 370
TRUMAN And I’ll be sure of him, or may I never taste those lips again, but be condemned to cast mistresses in the side-box at the playhouse,° or, what is worse, take up with a seamstress and drudge° for cuffs and cravats.
Enter Malagene
MRS GOODVILE Here he comes!	375
TRUMAN O Monsieur Malagene, welcome.
MALAGENE [bows] Jack Truman, your humble servant.
TRUMAN Whither so fast, I beseech you, sir? A word with you, a word with you.
MALAGENE Why? Can I do anything for thee? Hast thou any business for me? Prithee what is it?	380
TRUMAN Sir, you must lie for me.
MALAGENE Ha, ha, ha. Is that all?
TRUMAN Nay, sir, you must!
MALAGENE Anything in a civil way or so, Jack, but nothing upon compulsion,° lad. Prithee let me do nothing upon compulsion, prithee now!	385
TRUMAN Then, sir, to be brief, this is the business: Goodvile, I hear, has been informed by you of what passed in the garden last night. How durst you be so impudent as to pry into my secrets, where I was concerned?	390
MALAGENE Why, look you, Jack, curiosity, you know, and a natural inclination which I have—
TRUMAN To pimping.
MALAGENE Confound me, Jack, thou art much in the right. I believe thou art a witch. I knew as well, man—	395
TRUMAN What did you know?
MALAGENE Why, I knew thee to be an arch wag and an honest fellow. Ah, rogue, prithee kiss me. [Truman refuses] The rogue’s out of humour!	400
TRUMAN No, sir. I dare not use you so like a friend; you must deserve it better first.
MALAGENE Look you, Jack, the truth of the business is, I am bespoke. But the love I have to see the business go forward may persuade me to much.	405
TRUMAN Then presently resolve entirely to disown and abjure all the intelligence you gave Goodvile, or promise to yourself that wherever next I meet you, I’ll cut your throat upon the spot.
MALAGENE But hark you, Jack, how shall I come off with the business? I shall be kicked and used very scurvily. For the truth is, I did tell—	410
TRUMAN What did you tell?
MALAGENE Why, I told him, you knave—I won’t tell! You little, cunning cur, I told him all, man!
TRUMAN All, sir!	415
MALAGENE Ay, hang me like a dog, all. But madam, you must pardon me; there was not a word of it true.
TRUMAN And what do you think to do with yourself?
MALAGENE Do? Why, I’ll deny it all again, man, every word of it, as impudently as ever I at first affirmed it. Maybe he’ll kick me, and beat me, and use me like a dog, man. That’s nothing, nothing at all, man. I do not value it this! (Pulls out a Jew’s trump° and plays)	420
TRUMAN And this, sir, you’ll stand to.
MALAGENE If I do not, hang me up for a sign at a bawdy house door. In the meantime, I’ll retire and peruse a young lampoon, which I am lately the happy father of.	425
TRUMAN Nay, sir, you are not to stir from me!
Enter Lettice
LETTICE O, madam, shift for yourself. Madam Victoria sent me to tell you that my master is returned, and that he pretends to come as a masquerader.	430
MALAGENE Well, since it must be so, I’ll deny all indeed. What an excellent fellow might I have been. Some men now with my stock of honesty and a little more gravity would have made a fortune. Well, I have been a lazy rogue and never knew till now that I was fit for business.	435
MRS GOODVILE Mr Goodvile in masquerade, say you?
LETTICE Yes, madam, and two women with him, madam; they are just now alighted.
MRS GOODVILE Women with him! Nay, then he comes triumphantly indeed. Mr Truman, do you retire with Malagene.	440
[Exeunt Truman and Malagene]
I’ll stay here and receive this Machiavel° in disguise. Now, once more let me invoke all the arts of affectation, all the revenge, the counterfeit passions, pretended love, pretended jealousy, pretended rage, and, in sum, the very genius of my sex to my assistance.
Enter Goodvile, First Woman, and Second Woman, masked
So here they come. Now, this throw for all my future peace. ° Who 445 waits there?
Enter Servants
GOODVILE Madam, you’ll excuse this freedom.
MRS GOODVILE You oblige me by using it. [To the Servants] Let all the company know that these noble persons of quality have honoured me with their presence. Let the fiddles be ready and see the 450 banquet prepared, and let Mr Truman come to me instantly; I cannot live a minute, a moment without him!
[Exit Servants]
GOODVILE [aside] Delicate devil!
MRS GOODVILE Sir, let me beg your patience for a moment, whilst I go and put things in order fit for your reception.	455
Exit Mrs Goodvile
GOODVILE Footmen, take care that the engines which I have ordered be ready when I call for ’em. Truman, I see, is a man of punctual assignation, and my wife is a person very adroit at these matters; some hot-brained, horn-mad cuckold now would be for cutting of throats; but I am resolved to turn a civil, sober, discreet person and hate bloodshed. No. I’ll manage the matter so temperately that I’ll catch her in his very arms, then civilly discard her, bag and baggage, whilst you, my dainty doxies, take possession of her privileges and enter the territories with colours flying.	460 465
FIRST WOMAN And shall I keep my coach, Mr Goodvile?
GOODVILE Ay, and six,° my lovely Rampant.° Nay, thou shalt every morning swoop the Exchange in triumph to see what gaudy bauble thou canst first grow fond of. And, after noon at the theatre, exalted in a box, give audience to every trim, amorous, twiring fop of the corner° that comes thither to make a noise, hear no play, and show himself, thou shalt, my bona roba.	470
SECOND WOMAN But Mr Goodvile, what shall I do then?
GOODVILE O, thou! Thou shalt be my more peculiar punk,° my housekeeper, my necessary sin; manage all th’affairs of my estate and family; ride up and down in my own coach, attended by my own footmen; nose° my wife where ere you meet; and, if I had any, breed my children. O, what a delicious life will this be!	475
Fiddles offstage
FIRST WOMAN Hear you, sir, the fiddles?
GOODVILE O the procession’s coming; put on your vizards and observe the ceremony.	480
Enter Truman, with a letter, Mrs Goodvile, Caper, Saunter, Lady Squeamish, Camilla, and fiddles
MRS GOODVILE Mr Caper, Mr Saunter, you are the life and soul of all good company. Command me anything; command my house, that, and all freedom are yours.
CAPER Masks, my life, my joy, my top of happiness! [To Goodvile] Sir, your humble servant. [To First Woman] By your leave, madam, shall you and I touse and tumble together in the drawing room hard by for half an hour or so? Ha? (Cuts)	485
SAUNTER [sings]’Fa toldara, toldara, etc.’ [To Second Woman] Ah, madam, what do you wear a mask for? Have you never a nose, or but one eye? Let me see how you are furnished.	490
SECOND WOMAN Sir, if I want anything, ’tis to be doubted you cannot supply me.
GOODVILE So! Sure, this must come to something anon!
MRS GOODVILE Ah, were but Mr Goodvile here now, what a happy day might this be! But he is melancholy and forlorn in the country, summoning in his tenants and their rents, that shining pelf° that must support me in my pleasures.	495
GOODVILE Is he then, madam, so kind a husband?
MRS GOODVILE O the most indulgent creature in the world! What husband but he, Mr Truman, would have so seasonably withdrawn and left me mistress of such freedom? To spend my days in triumph as I do; to sacrifice myself, my soul, and all my sense to you, the lord of all my joys, my conqueror and protector?	500
CAMILLA Heavens, madam, you’ll provoke him beyond all patience.
MRS GOODVILE Who, Mr Goodvile? Which way shall it reach his knowledge? No, we’ll be as secret——
TRUMAN As we are happy. So subtly lay the scene of all our joys that envy or malice ——nay, the very husband himself, and Malagene to boot, well hired to the business—shall ne’er discover us.	510
MRS GOODVILE O discover us! A husband discover us? Were he indeed as jealous as he has reason, I could no more apprehend discovery than a kindness from him.
GOODVILE This impudence is so rank that I can hold no longer. (He unmasks) Say you so, madam?	515
MRS GOODVILE O, a ghost, a ghost! Save me, save me. Mr Truman, see, see Mr Goodvile’s spirit! Sure some base villain has murdered him, and his angry ghost is come to revenge it on me.
GOODVILE No, madam, fear nothing. I am a very harmless goblin, though you are a little shocked at the sight of me.	520
CAPER Ha, ha, ha. Goodvile returned? Dear Frank!
SAUNTER Honest Goodvile, thou see’st, dear soul, we are free here in thy absence.
GOODVILE I see you are, gentlemen, and shall take an opportunity to return the favour. Footmen, be ready.	525
MRS GOODVILE But is it really Mr Goodvile then? Let me receive him to my arms. Welcome ten thousand, thousand, thousand times. Dear sir, how does my picture in the gallery do?
GOODVILE O Madam, it looked so very charmingly that I had no power to stay longer from the dear, loving original.	530
MRS GOODVILE So now begins the battle.
GOODVILE Well, madam, and for your set of fools here: to what end and purpose have you decreed them in this new model of your family? I hope you have not designed ’em for your own use?
MRS GOODVILE Why, sir, methinks you should not grudge me a coxcomb or two to pass away the time withal, since you had taken your dearer conversation from me.	535
GOODVILE No, madam, I understand your diet better. A fool is too squab° and tender a bit for your fierce appetite. You are for a substantial dish, a man of heat and honour, such as Mr Truman I know is, and I doubt not will do me reason.°	540
TRUMAN Ay, sir, whenever you’ll demand it.
MRS GOODVILE Nay, sirs, no quarrelling, I beseech you; what would you be at, sir?
GOODVILE At rest, madam; like an honest snail, shrink up my horns into my shell and, if possible, hold a quiet possession of it.	545
MRS GOODVILE I hope I have done nothing that may disturb your quiet, sir.
GOODVILE Nothing, madam, nothing in the least; how is it possible that anything should disturb me? A sot, a beetle, a drone of a husband, a mere utensil, a block for you to fashion° all your falsehood on, whilst I must still be stupid, bear my office, and never be disturbed, I.	550
MRS GOODVILE So, now your heart is opening; and for your ease, I’ll give it a little vent myself. You are jealous, alas, jealous of Truman, are you?	555
GOODVILE And I have no reason, madam, though I come and catch you in his arms, rolling and throwing your wanton eyes like fire-balls at his heart; oh, what an indulgent creature’s Mr Goodvile, so seasonably to withdraw and leave you mistress of such freedom! To spend your days in triumph as you do, to sacrifice yourself, your soul and sense to him, the lord of all your joys, your conqueror and protector.	560
MRS GOODVILE I am glad to find my plot so well succeed. I knew of your jealousy last night, knew too your journey out of town was but a pretence in hope to return and surprise me with Truman. I was informed too of your return but now; and your disguise, I knew you through it so soon as I saw you, and therefore I acted all that fondness to Truman before your face. It was all the revenge I had within my power.	565
GOODVILE Can you deny your being with Truman in the garden last night? Were you not there so openly, that even the broad eyes of fools might see?	570
MRS GOODVILE What fool? What villain have you dares accuse me?
GOODVILE One who, though he rarely told truth before, will be sure to do it now: Malagene, your kinsman; Malagene, a hopeful branch of your own stock.	575
TRUMAN The rascal dares not own it.
GOODVILE But he shall, sir, though you protect him.
TRUMAN ’Twas basely done to set a spy upon your friend, after the trick you had played me with Victoria.	580
GOODVILE Basely done!
TRUMAN Yes, basely, sir.
GOODVILE Death, you lie, sir! Why do I trifle thus when I have a sword by my side? [Draws his sword]
CAPER Nay, look you, Frank, you had better be patient. Here shall be nothing done; therefore, pray put up.	585
Enter Valentine
VALENTINE What, again quarrelling? Goodvile, this must not be; Truman is my friend and, if he has done you wrong, I’ll engage, shall make you satisfaction.°
SAUNTER Ay, ay. Prithee, man, take some other time, and don’t quarrel now and spoil good company.	590
GOODVILE Death! You dancing, talking, mettled, frisking rogues, stand off! O I had forgot. [Calls offstage] Footmen, where are ye?
Enter Footmen
Here, take away these butterflies, and do speedy execution upon ’em as I ordered; do it instantly.	595
Footmen seize Caper and Saunter
CAPER Nay, Frank, what’s all this for?
SAUNTER Nay, Goodvile, prithee now, as I hope to live.
Enter Malagene
GOODVILE Away with ’em!
Exeunt Footmen with Caper and Saunter
Now for Malagene. O, here he comes, madam, who will refresh your memory. Speak, sir, as you tender life and limb; whom did you see together in the garden last night?	600
MALAGENE Ha! Nobody.
GOODVILE Were not Truman and my wife there to your knowledge privately?
MALAGENE Ha, ha, ha. Child, no.	605
GOODVILE Did you not tell me that you overheard ’em whispering in the grotto together?
MALAGENE No.
GOODVILE Hell and devils, this fellow has been tampered withal and instructed to abuse me. This is all contrivance, a studied scene to fool me of my reason.	610
Enter Footmen
Here, take him hence, and harness him with the other two, till he confess the truth.
MRS GOODVILE He shall not go, touch him who dares. Must people then be forced and tortured to accuse me falsely? Ah, Mr Goodvile, how have I deserved this at your hands? Let not my good name be ravished from me. If you have resolved to break my heart, kill me now quickly and put me out of pain.	615
Malagene runs away
GOODVILE Nay, madam, here is that shall yet convince.° See here a letter from your lover left for you in a private corner; hear me read it. And if you have modesty enough left, blush. (Reads) ‘If Goodvile goes out of town this morning, let me know of it that I may wait on you and tell you the rest of my heart. For you do not know how much I love you yet. Truman.’	620
MRS GOODVILE Death and destruction! It was all my own contrivance; madded with your jealousy, I sought all ways to vex you. I counterfeited it with my own hand, and left it in a place where you might be sure to find it. To convince you farther, see here a caution sent me just before by one whom you have trusted and loved too much for my quiet. (Gives Victoria’s letter) Peruse it, and when you have done, consider how you have used me and how I have deserved it. O!	625 630
GOODVILE (reads)‘Journey out of town—is a pretence—return and surprise—believe by this discovery—your servant, Victoria.’ Victoria. Has she betrayed me? Nay then, I pronounce there is no trust nor faith in the sex. By heaven, in every condition they are all jilts, all false, from the bawd to the babe.	635
MRS GOODVILE Now sir, I hope I may withdraw; from this minute never expect I’ll see your face again. No, I’ll leave you to be happy at your own choice. Love where you please, and be as free as if I ne’er had had relation to you. I shall take care to trouble you no more, but wish you may be happier than ever yet I made you.	640
GOODVILE Stay, madam.
MRS GOODVILE No, sir, I’ll be gone; I will not stay a moment longer. Inhuman, cruel, false traitor, wert thou now languishing on thy knees, prostrate at my feet, ready to grow mad with thy own guilt, I would not stop nor turn my face to save thee from despair.	645
GOODVILE You shall.
MRS GOODVILE For what?	650
GOODVILE To let the world see how much a fool I can be. Art thou innocent?
MRS GOODVILE By my love, I am; I never wronged you, but you have undone me, ruined my fame and quiet. What mouth will not be full of my dishonour? Henceforth let all my sex remember me when they’d upbraid mankind for baseness. O that I could dissemble longer with you, that I might to your torment persuade you still all your jealousies were just, and I as infamous as you are cruel.	655
Exit Mrs Goodvile in a rage
GOODVILE Get thee in then and talk to me no more; there’s something in thy face will make a fool of me, and there’s a devil in this business which yet I cannot discover. Truman, if thou hast enjoyed her, I beg thee keep it close;° and, if it be possible, let us yet be friends.	660
TRUMAN ’Tis not my fault if we be foes.
[Exit Truman]
GOODVILE But now to my fools; bring ’em forth and let us see how their new equipage becomes ’em.	665
[Exit Footmen]
O dear Valentine, how does the fair Camilla?
VALENTINE Faith, sir, she and I have been dispatching a trifling affair this morning, commonly called matrimony.
GOODVILE Married! Nay, then there is some comfort yet, that thou° art fallen into the snare. Valentine, look to her, keep her as secret as thou wouldst a murder, hadst thou committed one. Trust her not with thy dearest friend; she has beauty enough to corrupt him.	670
Enter [Footmen with] Caper and Saunter, their hands tied behind ’em, fools’ caps° on their heads. Caper with one leg tied up, and Saunter gagged.
See here these rogues, how like themselves they look! Now, you paltry vermin, you rats that run squeaking from house to house, up and down the town, that no man can eat his bread in quiet for you: take warning of what° you feel, and come not near these doors again on peril of hanging. [To the Footmen] Here, discharge them of their punishment and see ’em forth the gates.	675 680
[Exit Footmen with Caper and Saunter.] Enter Lady Squeamish, Sir Noble Clumsy, and Victoria
LADY SQUEAMISH [curtsies] O gallants, your humble servant. Dear Mr Goodvile, be pleased to give my kinsman Sir Noble joy.° He has done himself the honour to marry your cousin Victoria, whom now I must be proud to call my relation, since she has accepted of the title of my lady Clumsy.	685
SIR NOBLE CLUMSY Ay, sir, I am married, and will be drunk again too before night, as simply as I stand here.°
GOODVILE Sir Noble married? To Victoria too? Nay then, in spite of misfortunes
This Day shall be a day of jubilee.	690
But first
Good people, all that my sad fortune see,°    I beg you to take warning here by me:    Marriage and hanging go by destiny.
Especially you gay young married blades, Beware and keep your wives from balls and masquerades.
Exeunt

Epilogue

Spoken by Mrs Barry

Well, sirs, if now my spouse and I should part,

To which kind critic shall I give my heart?

Stay, let me look; not one in all the place

But has a scurvy, froward, damning face.

Have you resolved then on the poet’s fall?          5

Go, you’re ill-natured, ugly devils all.

The married sparks, I know this play will curse

For the wife’s sake, but some of ’em have worse.

Poets themselves their own ill luck have wrought;

You ne’er had learnt, had not their quarrels taught.°          10

But, as in the disturbance of a state,

Each factious maggot thinks of growing great,

So when the poets first had jarring fits,

You all set up for critics and for wits.

hen straight there came, which cost you mothers’ pains,          15

Songs and lampoons in litters from your brains.

Libels like spurious brats run up and down,

Which their dull parents were ashamed to own,

But vented ’em in other’s names, like whores

That lay their bastards down at honest doors.          20

For shame, leave off this higgling way of wit,°

Railing abroad and roaring in the pit.

Let poets live in peace, in quiet write;

Else may they all to punish you unite,

Join in one force to study to abuse ye,          25

And teach your wives and misses how to use ye.°