STEP 2
Choose to take charge of your life.
This step helps you recognize how your choices today impact your success tomorrow. Taking charge and staying in control is an attitude of choice. It’s your next step for turning attitude into action.
I woke up and realized I was running late. I had to get to the airport to catch a flight. I drove seventy-five to eighty miles per hour to Hartsfield International. I ran up to the ticket counter and told the clerk I was running late: “Quick, I’ve got to catch the plane to San Francisco. Tell me the gate number.”
“You’re going out of Concourse D. You’ve only got fifteen minutes,” he said. “I don’t think you’re going to make it.”
I’m not going to make it talking to you, so would you please give me my ticket!
I had a choice about how I would react to this situation. We all have a choice about how we react to each and every situation in our lives. Sometimes people tell you what you can’t do because they don’t see themselves achieving it. But the magic of the word triumph is in the first syllable. You’ve got to try.
I snatched that ticket and started running. I got through security. In the Atlanta airport, there’s a train you have to catch to get to the concourse. I was running so fast I didn’t have to catch the train.
I wasn’t just running, I was talking to myself too. Come on, you’ve got to go. You can’t miss this flight. You’ve got to get there. I was moving. I hit the escalator and never stopped running. My inner voice said, Boy, you’re out of shape. You’d better start working out.
When I finally approached the gate, I noticed that the plane was still there. An airline agent was at the gate.
“Excuse me, ma’am,” I said. “I ran all the way from the ticket counter. Did I make it?”
“We just got a phone call, the plane’s going to be two hours delayed.”
I looked at her and I said, “That’s OK. I’m positive and proactive.” She said, “I don’t care what you call yourself. We’re not leaving for two hours.”
As I started to walk away, I saw another gentleman come up behind me and approach the counter. He appeared to be a top-level executive. He said, “Excuse me, ma’am, is the flight leaving on time?” She told him they were having mechanical difficulties and that the flight would be leaving in two hours.
He became angry. “Mechanical difficulties! Do you know who you’re talking to? I’m a million miler, flying colonel. I know the CEO personally. I want to speak to your supervisor right now.”
A supervisor in a nice red jacket appeared. This guy argued with her for thirty-five minutes.
Can you guess what time the plane left?
Two hours later.
I guarantee you, nobody wanted to sit next to him.
This fellow had another choice. He could have accepted the delay and made constructive use of his time.
The difference in our attitudes that day made the difference in our behaviors. I don’t know that the executive suffered any serious consequences as a result of his anger, but I do know that he didn’t accomplish anything positive, because he let his circumstances control his attitude.
I thought about the positive things that I could do. How could I reframe this situation? I went and got something to eat—a grilled chicken sandwich and a large orange juice. I went to the bookstore and bought a book, Norman Vincent Peale’s Enthusiasm Makes the Difference. Read chapter one right in the airport. Then I did something special. I believe that any time you’re going through something, you’ve always got to go inward to find out what little things you can do to bring joy to your life. I love popcorn. If you ever see me in an airport, you’ll always find me looking for the popcorn. I went and bought a box of popcorn.
Then I did something extra special. I called my grandma. Before my grandma passed away, she was the one I called whenever I needed a pick-me-up. After a fifteen-minute conversation with her that day, I forgot all about the flight being late. It didn’t even matter.
If you can visualize me going back to the gate, I’m smiling and whistling. I’ve had something to eat, read chapter one of a great book, had some popcorn, and talked to my grandma. When I returned to the gate, I looked at the passengers waiting for the flight, and some of them looked extremely toxic. I truly believe that toxic attitudes rub off, and exposure to them, over a period of time, might damage my attitude.
I scanned the area, chose a seat, and sat down next to a gentleman. I was just sitting there eating my popcorn, minding my own business. The man sitting next to me looked at me and asked, “Why are you so happy? Don’t you know we’ve been here for an hour and a half? We’ve got another thirty minutes to go.”
I responded, “I have a choice and I’m choosing to be positive.”
He said, “Positive about what?”
I looked at him and stated, “Let me give you three reasons. This flight is delayed either because there is something wrong with the plane, something wrong with the weather, or something wrong with the pilot. In case any of those three scenarios are true, I’m happy to be sitting here talking to you. I’d rather be here wishing I was up there than to be up there wishing I was here.”
He looked at me, smiled, and said, “You’ve got a point. So how about sharing some of that popcorn?”
The Power of Choice
What is it going to be for you: a positive attitude or a negative attitude? The choice seems fairly simple, doesn’t it? The problem is that we often forget we have a choice. That is one of the master keys to unlocking your greatness in life—exercising your power to choose your attitude and your approach to life’s challenges. We make choices consciously and unconsciously all of our lives. We choose when to get out of bed, what to wear, what to eat, where to go, and when to come home. Most of the simple decisions we make unconsciously. You should choose your attitude thoughtfully because it determines how you respond to the many challenges you will encounter.
A good friend of mine is basically in the place he was fifteen years ago. He hasn’t had much success. I talked to him about his failure to achieve the goals he’d set. He identified what it was that had held him back. “Bad choices,” he said, “and not making any choice at all.”
Sometimes making no choice is the worst decision of all. It’s vital that you consciously choose the right attitude and that you choose it wisely. The paths our lives take are largely determined by the choices we make day in and day out. A friend related the following story about the power of choice in her life:
I was three years old, but I still remember the day. We were on a family vacation. My parents and an uncle had rented a cabin on a lake. It was a beautiful summer day. The sun was out and everything was in full bloom. I remember being in the boat, on the lake, laughing and playing. I didn’t see the accident, or remember much about the rest of the day. I just know that on that day, I lost my father.
My mother never seemed to recover from the loss. She began drinking to ease the pain. It didn’t help. When I was nine years old, my two older sisters and I were taken from my mother and placed in foster care. For several years, we moved from home to home. Some were abusive. We stayed in foster care until an older cousin took us in. At first it was very difficult. My cousin’s wife made it very clear that she had not wanted the responsibility of raising us. Eventually my two sisters moved back to our hometown. I remained in the care of my cousin. My cousin’s love helped me overcome my fears and disappointments.
I didn’t make all the right choices. I married at the age of twenty. I had a baby girl at twenty-three, and I was divorced by the age of twenty-five. Three years later, I lost my aunt to breast cancer. She’d been the only real mother I’d had. Her last words were to tell me how much she loved me. Again my choices were not good. I became a heavy drinker. It took me a year before I realized that I had made the same choice as my mother. I didn’t like who I was becoming. I decided I had a choice. I immediately went into rehab.
It’s been thirteen years. I have never once looked back. My daughter is a beautiful young woman now. I remarried. I now have an eight-year-old son and two beautiful bonus gifts, my second husband’s children. I have been with the same company for twenty-two years, and I’ve gone back to school to obtain my bachelor’s degree. I have a year to go to graduation.
My cousin taught me how to overcome obstacles, and he also showed me the true meaning of love. It’s all about attitude and the power of choice. I learned that I had control of my destination by the choices I made. I know that there will always be obstacles in life’s journey. I just choose to see them as challenges to overcome. What a joy!
Choice is the starting point to everything we do in life. The legendary Harvard psychologist and philosopher William James said that one of the most important discoveries made by his generation was that by changing our attitudes, we can change our lives. It’s a choice we all have.
Bitter or Better? It’s Your Choice!
I’m sure you notice that some people seem to have an unshakable self-confidence while others never seem to believe in themselves. The self-confident people may suffer setbacks, make mistakes, or get dragged down by hard times, but they still believe they will weather the storm and come out on top. Those who don’t believe in themselves never seem to find their way. Often they just seem to drift with the tides.
A man came up to me after attending one of my seminars and said, “I know attitude is important, but it’s not as simple as that for me. There’s nothing I can do to improve mine.” I’m afraid this gentleman has forgotten one of the most basic but crucial differences between himself and a potted palm. He has the power to make choices. He can choose to wallow in a cold puddle of self-pity or he can step out into the warm light. It’s a choice. There is always a choice.
The critical difference between those who believe that they will succeed and those who have no belief in themselves is their understanding of attitude. There are those who know they can control their attitudes and those who allow their attitudes to control them. The people who do best in life are those who realize they have the power to choose their attitudes, just as they have the power to choose their clothing, their cars, or their dinner companions.
CONTROLLED BY ATTITUDE
People in this category lack faith in their ability to overcome difficulties and don’t understand their own power. When they are hit by hard times, they go down. They stay there until they’ve been down so long it looks like up to them. Many never get up at all. People who are controlled by attitude tend to believe not only that they can’t control their lives but that life has it in for them. They are pessimists by nature.
When something bad happens to them—and bad things happen to everyone—their tendency is to believe that the difficulties will last a long time, eventually wiping them out. They also tend to perceive challenging times as special punishments dished out only to them because of past sins. They have a very fatalistic approach to life. They see even the good times and life’s blessings as merely a setup for bad things to come. For them, all defeats are permanent, all mistakes are fatal, all missed opportunities are gone forever. When faced with a challenge, they often talk of being overwhelmed by the enormity of it. They exaggerate the size of the problem and put down their ability to respond. This is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me. I’ll never have the resources to deal with it.
ATTITUDE UNDER CONTROL
These folks know that though they may not be able to control their circumstances, they can control how they respond to them. They are optimistic by nature, and even when life hits them hard, they see setbacks as temporary interruptions caused by circumstances they cannot control. When faced with challenges, they tend to focus on the solution rather than the problem.
Change Your Focus, Change Your Attitude
As the winner of the world and U.S. pro cycling championships, Lance Armstrong was a twenty-five-year-old rising star on the international circuit. Then, in 1996, he discovered that a particularly deadly form of cancer had spread from his testicles to his stomach, lungs, and brain. Doctors said he had only a 50 percent chance of surviving. His racing career was put on hold for more than a year while he underwent intensive chemotherapy.
Someone who felt helpless about controlling his attitude probably would have plunged into depression or despair and given up. But Lance Armstrong amazed his doctors and much of the world by not letting his extreme circumstances defeat him. Instead, he got back on his bicycle and continued to train during his treatments, sometimes riding as much as fifty miles a day.
Although others might have chosen an attitude of helplessness, despair, or defeat, Lance Armstrong chose a combative attitude toward the disease that threatened his life. It’s true that many people have fought cancer bravely and still lost out in spite of courageous efforts. But for reasons that even his doctors have not yet determined, Armstrong won. His cancer disappeared entirely.
Since this is real life and not a made-for-TV movie, Lance Armstrong still had challenges to deal with. The life-threatening experience drained him emotionally and spiritually. For a brief period the cyclist went into a depression. He refused even to get on his racing bike. He spent several weeks acting like a reckless kid instead of a serious athlete, but as the time approached for a charity race he had committed to, Armstrong once again asserted his power to choose his attitude and his response to challenging times.
With the encouragement of close friends, he began riding again to rebuild his strength and to rediscover his love of competitive cycling. He chose an attitude of gratitude for being given another chance at life. As a result, he reached new levels of accomplishment, which are every bit as astounding as his defeat of cancer. In the summer of 1999, he set a new world record in winning one of the sports world’s most demanding events, the 2,285-mile Tour de France.
Armstrong continues to astound the world, breaking record after record. In 2004, he captured his sixth straight Tour de France victory—a first in the 101-year history of the race. Not bad for someone the doctors had given a 50-50 chance to live only eight years before.
In sports, there are champions, and there are those who raise the bar for others to follow. Armstrong is a champion of champions. What goes into the making of a champion? According to Chris Carmichael, Armstrong’s coach since 1990, versatility is key. When an individual is strong in only one area, his or her potential is limited. It’s when you are able to excel under any condition that you stand out from your competitors.
Armstrong chose an attitude that empowered him to stand out. The power to choose is one of the greatest gifts God has given us. Yes, Armstrong battled briefly with a negative attitude as he encountered one of life’s most difficult tests. He was physically and mentally exhausted. But in the end, he realized he had the power to choose another, more constructive attitude. And he did. As a result, he continues to make history.
Whether you face challenges in business or in your personal life, it is essential to have the mind-set of an athlete, training to overcome any obstacles you face. Don’t slack off after experiencing success, assuming that prior achievements will automatically guarantee future victories.
Staying at the top of your game requires a commitment to continually improve, to step back from your successes and see how you can make them better. Proverbs 18:15 says, “Wise men and women are always learning, always listening for fresh insights.” When you refuse to settle for the status quo and continually strive to evolve, you will stay ahead of the competition in business and make a positive mark in life.
In the midst of life’s most challenging circumstances, you can choose not only to overcome but to shine. Choose the attitude to make it happen.
The power to choose is one of the greatest gifts God has given us. Armstrong chose an attitude that empowered him. He battled briefly with a more negative attitude, but to be fair, he had been through one of life’s most difficult tests and he was exhausted physically and mentally. In the end, the most important thing is that he realized he had the power to choose another, more constructive attitude, and he did.
Happiness Is Yours to Create
We all want to be happy and fulfilled. Often, though, we demand too much of life. We set strict criteria for what will make us happy. When those criteria are not met, we develop attitudes that only make matters worse. The most basic, most revealing question you can ask yourself is, What does it take to make me happy?
The same attitude spoils many relationships. I’ve seen many of them fail because one or both of the people involved demanded too much of the other. Not everyone is perfectly neat, beautiful, charming, loving, funny, or attentive all the time. Life isn’t a romance novel. Barbie and Ken are plastic. Even Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford discovered that beauty, money, fame, and charm don’t guarantee a perfect relationship.
We often demand too much of love and friendship, and the same is true of happiness. It’s easy to be happy if you can find happiness in small doses. If you set impossible criteria for happiness, then it will be all but impossible for you to be happy.
Build Your Attitude from the Inside Out
For true happiness, it’s best to look within yourself rather than rely on others or the world around you. The sad but true fact is that it’s difficult to be happy if you rely on outside sources. The root of happiness is joy, and joy lives within you. It’s not influenced by external events.
Melissa was in the retail clothing business. She was always in a good mood. She always had something positive to say. She was a unique manager because she inspired her employees and everyone who came into the store. She never had a bad day or a down moment. Melissa would always tell her employees to look on the positive side of every situation.
Every time I went into the store I noticed Melissa’s upbeat, enthusiastic attitude. Irate customers didn’t seem to affect her. She had smiles and kind words for everyone. So one day I went up to Melissa and said, “I don’t get it. You can’t be a positive person all the time. How do you do it?”
“Each morning I wake up and say to myself, ‘Melissa you have two choices. You can choose to be in a good mood, or you can choose to be in a bad mood.’ I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I point out the positive side of life.”
“It can’t be that easy,” I protested.
“Yes, it is,” Melissa said. “Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or a bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live.”
Several months after that conversation, I was in the mall and stopped by the store just to say hello to Melissa. She wasn’t there. One of the employees informed me that she had been in a near-fatal automobile accident. She had suffered internal bleeding, a punctured lung, a broken collarbone, and a broken leg.
After twelve hours of surgery, weeks of intensive care, and months of physical therapy, Melissa was back at work. I saw her shortly after she returned and asked her how she was doing after such a challenging time.
“I feel super-fantastic,” she said.
When I asked her what she remembered about the accident, Melissa replied, “I’m sure glad I had my seat belt on. I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live.”
“Did you lose consciousness?” I asked.
“No, but the paramedics had a great attitude,” she said. “They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room, I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses and got really scared. In their eyes I read, ‘I don’t think she’s going to survive.’ I took an attitude that I had a choice and I was going to live.”
Melissa lived not only because of the skill of her doctors but also because of her faith and positive attitude. Melissa’s story proves that every day we have a choice about how we’re going to live our lives.
Your Choices Determine Your Happiness
The quality of our lives is determined by the choices we make: which career path we take, which partner we choose, the lifestyle we embrace. I learned my first lesson in the power of choosing attitude on my first day of school. It may seem strange, considering that I make my living as a professional speaker, but I was a stutterer for most of my childhood. Until I reached school age, it was never made to seem like a problem. I was always assured that I would grow out of it. I had an uncle who’d stuttered as a child, lost it as an adolescent, and become a respected college professor. My mother and grandmother always reminded me of that, and they’d tell me that I stuttered only because “your brain is working faster than your mouth.”
I didn’t think of it as a negative thing until my first day of kindergarten. I was five years old. I was so excited to be around the other kids and to find a desk in the front row with my name on it. My teacher, Miss Peterson, was a very positive, dynamic woman who glowed with energy and enthusiasm. She told us right off that she thought we were going to be the best class in the school. Then she started to go around the room asking us to say our names so everyone could get to know each other. She asked me to go first. I jumped up, turned and faced my new classmates, and started stuttering terribly because I was so excited. My, my, mymymymm…
I’ll never forget the girl with pigtails in the back of the room. Her name was Nancy. She jumped up and said, “He can’t talk. He stutters.” Everyone laughed at that. Then the boy next to me, Billy, who later became my best friend, looked at me and said, “You’re too tall. You shouldn’t be in our room.” The kids all giggled at that too. Miss Peterson must have said something to the class, but I was so wrapped up in what the kids said that I didn’t notice.
It’s the Internal Messages That Count
I was hurt, of course. I wanted my mom. I had never felt that kind of pain. I kept repeating those negative comments. You’re too tall. You can’t talk. You shouldn’t be here. That feeling of not belonging is a terrible one whether you are a kid in kindergarten or an adult in a corporate office. Do you remember the book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten? That’s me. I learned about rejection. I learned that people can say things that hurt you. And, thanks to my mother, I learned that you can choose not to be hurt or rejected.
The voices of my classmates had grown louder and louder inside my head. Later in life, I learned that the strongest and most destructive voice is your own. It was sure true in this instance. While the teacher and my classmates went on about the first day of school, I sat there talking to myself and telling myself that I didn’t belong in school. I’m too tall. I can’t talk. I want to go home. I laid low until our first recess. Then I bolted.
I ran home. We lived about two miles away. I took one breath the whole way. Set the world speed record from kindergarten to front porch on the first day of school. As fast as I ran, Miss Peterson was faster. My mom was hanging up the phone when I hit the porch. I ran into her arms, and she gave me a world-class hug. It was the hug of a lifetime. I can still feel that hug.
I remember looking up at my mom and saying, “I’m too tall. I can’t talk. I don’t fit.”
“Miss Peterson told me what happened,” she said. “There is good news.”
Good news? I stopped crying at that. What good news could there be? No more kindergarten? Home schooling with Miss Peterson?
“The good news is that you tried. I’m proud of you for that. My little man tried, and even though you are not able to say your name as well as you would like, that’s OK. This is going to be a challenge, but I’m convinced that if we work hard, one day, and I do mean one day, all the kids will listen when you say your name loud and clear. Son, don’t ever forget that you are special.”
My mom effectively replaced the negative messages I’d heard from my classmates with a far more positive message. When I ran away from school, it was because my inner voice had been repeating their words: You’re too tall. You talk funny. You don’t belong. I went back to school with my mom’s words on my inner tape recorder: I’m not different, I’m special. I can learn to talk without a stutter, and then they will understand.
Suddenly I wasn’t speech-impaired. I was working on a challenge. Again, the reality had not changed. I still stuttered, but my perception of my speech impediment had changed. Another paradigm shifted, a new attitude created. And that attitude changed everything. It was my weapon against the teasing and the mocking.
My mother taught me then and there that attitude is a choice. When I told her I couldn’t go back to school, she listened and understood what was contributing to that negative attitude. She was able to listen to the pain that fueled my fears and humiliation. She then gave me that opportunity to choose a new attitude: “Honey, you’ve got a choice. You can accept an attitude of humiliation and fear, or you can take on an attitude of action. You can be a victim or a victor. You can let life run you over, or you can take it on! You have a choice!”
My mom showed me a way out of fear and humiliation. That’s when we went back and got very clear on some things that we had to do. She gave me insight and inspiration. She showed me that even as a small, insecure boy, I had the power to choose a better way.
A Positive Attitude Is the
First and Last Line of Defense
I’m not going to tell you that I didn’t have setbacks from time to time. It was tough being a stutterer. Kids can be relentless in mocking and teasing you. In bed at night, I’d talk to God and ask him why he made me stutter. It affected nearly every aspect of my life, and maintaining a positive attitude was a huge challenge.
I took speech lessons for six years and used to lie about why I was getting out of regular class to go somewhere else. The teachers in elementary school kept paper clocks on the blackboard for students who had “special needs.” When I had to go to speech class, I was supposed to go to the front of the class, take the paper clock off the blackboard, and go out the back door quietly. It was not possible for me to slip out unnoticed. I was always the tallest person in my class. Many teachers even looked up to me. Some kid would always see me get up and start mocking me: “I’m-m-m g-g-g-going t-t-t-to….”
Most of the time, I tuned them out and focused on getting better. By fifth grade, I was determined to beat my stuttering. I always hated being called on to read aloud, but when my turn came, I was determined to get through my assigned paragraphs. The other kids always hoped I’d get picked first. They knew that once I got up, no one else would have to read. I’d struggle with a paragraph for twenty minutes. By the time I got through my section, it was time for math!
I had my days of attitudinal backsliding. Anger, rejection, or embarrassment sometimes ruled the day. But I never forgot the lesson communicated in my mother’s hug and her words of encouragement: You are special. You can choose not to be hurt or discouraged. You can choose a positive attitude over a negative attitude. And you can overcome this challenge.
Selecting an Optimistic Attitude
Growing up in Seattle, I knew a set of identical twins named Seymour and Fillmore. (OK, so I’m making this up as I go along, bear with me.) Seymour was a natural-born optimist. Every night he went to bed with these words: “I can’t wait until tomorrow ’cause I get better looking every day!”
Fillmore was a sad sack by comparison. He always looked for the black cloud over the silver lining. He even considered his name to be an indication that he’d been born half-empty.
Since the boys were supposed to be identical twins, their parents grew worried at the disparity in their personalities and took them to a psychologist. He suggested that the parents work at balancing out the twins’ divergent personalities at their next co-birthday party: “Put them in separate rooms to open their gifts. Give Fillmore the best gift you can afford, and give Seymour a box of horse manure,” advised the psychologist.
The parents followed his instructions and carefully observed the results. When they looked in on Fillmore, they heard his usual griping, even though they’d given him a state-of-the-art computer. “I wanted an iMac, not a Compaq,” he complained.
Next they peeked through the door of Seymour’s room, holding their noses at the stink of his gift. To their amazement, he was merrily digging through the box of manure with his hands and crying out joyfully, “This is incredible! I know there’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
That’s the power of a positive attitude!
“Life inflicts the same setbacks and tragedies on the optimist as on the pessimist, but the optimist weathers them better,” writes psychologist Martin Seligman. “As we have seen the optimist bounces back from defeat, and, with his life somewhat poorer, he picks up and starts again. The pessimist gives up and falls into depression.”
Dr. Seligman’s research also found that your attitude can be consciously changed from negative to positive by learning how to coach your inner dialogue. “Becoming an optimist consists…of learning a set of skills about how to talk to yourself when you suffer a personal defeat,” he notes.
We have a choice. We can choose an inner dialogue of self-encouragement and self-motivation, or we can choose one of self-defeat and self-pity. It’s a power we all have. Each of us encounters hard times, hurt feelings, heartache, and physical and emotional pain. The key is to realize it’s not what happens to you that matters, it’s how you choose to respond.
Programming Your Attitude
In Chapter 1, we talked about your mind as a computer that can be programmed. You can choose whether the software that is installed is productive or unproductive. Your inner dialogue is the software that programs your attitude, which determines how you present yourself to the world around you. You have control over what that programming is. Whatever you put into it is reflected in what comes out.
Hundreds of different situations program our attitude each day, and most of them have the potential to be positive or negative. The subconscious mind never sleeps. You can’t pull a fast one on the subconscious. Whatever it has heard—from others, and especially from your own inner dialogue—it records…and keeps.
Most people allow their brains to be programmed indiscriminately through the ear-gate. The computer adage “Garbage in, garbage out,” as it applies to our own very personal computer—the brain—should be stated as “Garbage in, garbage stays.” The brain hears negative things and accepts them as truth. Many of us have behavior patterns today that were programmed into our brains at a very tender age. The information that was recorded by our brains could have been completely inaccurate or even cruel.
Take a PAI—Personal Attitude Interrupt
The sad reality of life is that we will continue to hear negative information. But we don’t have to record it in our brains. To combat negative programming and protect the ear-gate, I developed a tool called PAI—Personal Attitude Interrupt.
To some degree, we can control what we listen to. But because we can’t always stop negative information from going in, we must put ourselves on alert so that the garbage that goes in does not stay in. I do that by physically moving my body in a way that will remind me to change my thinking.
When I hear negative, nonconstructive input, I hold my hand up by my ear as if to say, “Talk to the hand.” Sometimes I even say it! Why not? Or hold your hand out and tell someone, “You can’t steal my joy!” Taking a PAI will protect your mind—and your attitude. It may even change the attitude of the person delivering the negativity.
Your PAI doesn’t have to be a hand in the air. You could simply look down and think before responding to a situation. My use of this PAI had a positive outcome in a situation that could have escalated to something unpleasant.
Through a friend of a friend, and at a rather steep price, I got tickets—fourth row center—to an NBA playoff game. A man approached and loomed over me, saying, “Haul it out of here, pal. These are my seats!” My first reaction was to yell back, “Take a hike!” Instead, I stopped to think: “No way am I giving up these seats. But if it gets ugly, we could both be thrown out of the arena.”
So with a concerned look on my face I said, “Maybe I read my tickets wrong.” I pulled out my tickets and placed them next to his so we could compare. His tickets were for seats 6 and 8, row 4, section 101—the section directly opposite mine. “Well, I do have your seat numbers all right, but you’re in section 101, on the other side of the court. Looks like we both have the best seats in the house.” The man was relieved. He smiled, mumbled an apology, and happily rushed off to the right section.
The experience could have been a complete disaster if I had acted on my initial thought. I had a choice. By choosing to control my thoughts and maintaining a positive attitude, I allowed us all to enjoy a great basketball game. Whether someone approaches you in a negative, combative manner or whether you need to make the first move in a situation, the ball is in your court. Taking a PAI can actually set a positive tone in a negative situation, increasing your chances of a positive outcome.
The Power of Positive Inner Dialogue
Think of a sunflower seed you plant and nurture. That seed was programmed by nature to be a sunflower. Don’t even think about trying to make it into a pumpkin or a rose. It was programmed to be a sunflower, and that’s the end of it. Some of us were programmed at a very early age to behave a certain way. Maybe part of your programming tells you that you’re not very smart, and you believe it and your actions bear it out. You might have a learning disorder, but maybe you simply have faulty programming. After all, there are many people with serious learning disorders who were programmed by loving parents and caring teachers to believe they could overcome their barriers…and they did.
The key to ridding yourself of this attitude of helplessness is to clear your mind of negative inner conversations and replace them with more hopeful messages. You can reframe your perspective by changing and controlling your inner dialogue. The longer negative thoughts are allowed to churn in your mind, the greater the emotional buildup and the potential damage. If you don’t recognize and treat it, you could face the psychological equivalent of pneumonia—depression.
We like to think that our attitudes are affected by what people do and say to us, but in reality, it is what we say to ourselves that has the greatest influence on how we present ourselves to the world. When the kids in my class made fun of me on my first day of kindergarten, their words hit me and hurt. By accepting what they said and replaying it over and over in my head, I convinced myself that I didn’t belong. At the first opportunity, I fled home. My mother then wisely reconstructed my inner conversation by giving me positive words and thoughts to replace the negative.
Watch What You Say—to Yourself
The loudest and most influential voice you hear is your own inner voice, your “self-critic.” It can work for you or against you, depending on the messages you allow. It can be pessimistic or optimistic. It can wear you down or cheer you on. You control the sender and the receiver, but only if you consciously take responsibility and control of your inner conversation.
I first began tapping into the power of positive inner conversations as a kid practicing basketball. I’d pretend I was one of my basketball heroes—Jamaal Wilkes, an NBA All-Star with the Los Angeles Lakers. Wilkes was known as Silk because he was such a smooth, controlled player. He never lost his temper. He was never angered. That’s how I wanted to play, so I started an inner dialogue while I was practicing or playing. You’re smooth as silk, I’d tell myself. It was a way of asserting emotional control. If a guy elbowed me or shoved me, I’d turn it up: Smooth as silk, nothing throws me off my game!
That inner dialogue turned out to be pretty powerful. I started calling myself Smooth as Silk, or Silk for short, to embed it deeper into my subconscious, and pretty soon my teammates, the fans, and sportswriters picked up on it too. Even now, my mother still has license plates that say SILK.
By keeping that inner dialogue going during games, I controlled my emotions on the court. I held my temper. I didn’t get overly excited or agitated. I kept control of my attitude, and that sense of control gave me greater self-confidence. One of my greatest memories of playing in high school was a semifinal game in the state tournament. My Garfield High School team had a 22–0 record of wins to losses, and on the day of this game, the Seattle Times ran a story saying we were one of the best teams in the state’s history. That was a big reputation to carry into the game against a very strong team from Tacoma’s Lincoln High School.
They had prepared well for us. They broke our press, played strong defense, and did a good job of executing their offense. We were playing catch-up for most of the game, and with just three minutes left we were down by seven points. During a time-out, I could tell that my teammates were frustrated and close to giving up. We had let all the good publicity and our undefeated record go to our heads. We’d forgotten that we had to earn it. There were a lot of negative comments in the huddle, and finally I’d had enough. “We are going to win this game,” I told my teammates. “Give me the ball.”
Yes, it was a Hollywood moment. A West Coast version of Hoosiers. We won by seven points, and I learned another lesson in the power of attitude. The fact that I said out loud that we were going to win the game changed the perspective of my teammates. They had lost confidence, but when I showed them that I had not lost mine, they got back in the game. Positive inner dialogue will put you back in the game as well.
We often have to fight for control over our professional and personal lives. Our enemy can take the form of negative input forging an attack from the outside or destructive inner dialogue that seeks to derail us. The good news is we have the ability to control our own lives. How we choose to use that control can alter the direction of our lives for the better or the worse.
Attitude Tune-Up
The greatest power that a person possesses is the power to choose.
—J. MARTIN KOHE