STEP 8
Build supportive relationships.
This step looks at how you can build the supportive relationships you need to achieve your personal and professional success. Having the right team, with the right attitude, makes it easy to turn your attitude into action.
Three years after venturing out on my own as a motivational speaker, I was invited to give my first speech before a group of two thousand peers at the annual National Speakers Association Conference. This is considered a rite of passage in my profession. I was excited! Unfortunately, instead of approaching the opportunity with an attitude of humility, I put a lot of pressure on myself to impress my colleagues. What they got that night was a lot of Let me show you how good I am. Here’s my best joke. Here’s my best one-liner. Here’s my signature story.
I was certainly trying too hard to impress them. Later I came to realize that you really can’t express when you’re trying to impress. After finishing my twenty-minute “It’s All About Me” talk, I received a standing ovation from my gracious and professional colleagues, which is customary at this event. Many offered congratulations and compliments, but as I listened to their praises I knew I had not hit the mark. I appreciated their kindness, but I realized that what I really needed at that moment was constructive feedback.
As those thoughts were running through my head, one of the top motivational speakers in the country walked up to congratulate me. As he approached, he nodded and said, “Good job.” I replied, “Thanks, but what could I have done better?” He paused and stared at me for a moment or two. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a scorecard. “I’ve got some feedback. I can give you this, but when most people ask for constructive criticism, they can’t handle it. Basically, I was scoring you for my own personal growth.”
“I can handle it,” I assured him.
He then shared his ratings of my speech. He’d given me scores for style, humor, enthusiasm, voice, and content. I scored high in several of those areas, but I missed the mark. The overall score he had on the card reflected my own appraisal, and what I felt in my spirit. Basically, I had delivered what I had prepared. I had practiced my presentation by focusing on my delivery and stories. I’d lost sight of how I could best serve my audience.
Even though I’d asked for his assessment, and I knew it was valuable and honest, it still hurt. The truth often does. But growth comes from our ability to embrace the truth even when it is painful. Later that evening, I shared my rating and the feedback I’d received from this trusted member of my team with a few other colleagues. They said they were disappointed in him. How could he say that to you on one of your biggest nights as a professional speaker? You were great. You were wonderful. Everybody loved you.
That night his constructive criticism served me better than their praise. Constructive feedback is invaluable, and having friends and coworkers who will give it to you is important and necessary for your growth. It may not be easy to take at the time it is given, but like me, you will learn to appreciate it over the long term.
We Are Formed by Many
Hands and Hearts
After I’d given a speech to a business group, a well-dressed guy came up to me and introduced himself. He told me that he really enjoyed my presentation. He said he planned to use it in his business. I asked him what he did.
He puffed out his chest and said, “I’m a self-made man.”
“You are?”
“Yep!” he said proudly.
I’m sorry, but no one makes it alone. Siegfried has Roy. Ben has Jerry, and Barnes had Noble. No man, or woman, is an island. We all need people in our lives. We need their perspectives, their wisdom, their honesty, and their support. The strength of our relationships is one of the greatest measures of the quality of our lives. To a large degree, the attitudes we have about ourselves and about the world are the result of the feedback we get day in and day out from the people around us. To build a winning attitude, you’ve got to have strong relationships with people who share your trust and interests. I call my supporters my Attitude Team, or simply my A-Team.
To build your A-Team, you sometimes have to let go of ego and adopt an attitude of humility, or one of service. You have to communicate honestly and tactfully. You have to trust others as well as yourself. Remember, if you’re the student—and we all play the role of student from time to time—let the teacher teach. Even though you may not understand the lesson being taught at any given moment, eventually you will.
My A-Team consists of the people with whom I share the greatest trust and confidence. I am privileged to include Jim Rohn, who wrote the foreword to this book, as part of my A-Team. Jim’s speaking career has spanned four decades. He has addressed more than 6,000 audiences and 4 million people worldwide. He has authored more than 17 books and has been internationally hailed over the years as one of the most influential thinkers of our time. So when he shares his thoughts with me, I take notes!
Anthony Robbins, well-known speaker and author of Unlimited Power, may also consider Jim to be part of his A-Team. Tony says, “I truly believe Jim Rohn is an extraordinary human being whose philosophy can enhance the quality of life for anyone who exposes themselves to it. He certainly had a positive impact on me at a time in my life when I was first forming the philosophies that guide me today.” Les Brown, who wrote Live Your Dreams, says this of Jim: “I’ve been a student of Jim Rohn since 1972. He was then and still is one of the most profound thinkers and mind-expanding individuals I’ve ever had a chance to listen to.”
My A-Team is diverse and made up of relationships that have withstood the tests of time and temperament. It’s composed of women and men of all ethnic groups and social classes. Wise women have always been the core of my team, starting with my grandmother when I was a young boy, my mom, my aunts, and my sister. I’ve learned a lot from women. They seem to understand the complex nature of relationships and feelings. The members of my A-Team whom I’ve already mentioned include:
Today, I’m the creation and product of many loving, supportive, and dedicated people. I have a strong support team. I appreciate the value of having people who support me in my work and in my personal life.
Building Relationships
with the Right Attitude
I attended a seminar conducted a few years ago by one of the leading self-help advocates in the world. This seminar on relationships was held in a vacation paradise resort. It cost more than $2,500 for the two-day session. Many of those who attended were successful executives, business owners, and entrepreneurs who had devoted their lives to their careers or their companies. In their drive for success, they had neglected their relationships. One after another, they offered their stories at this seminar. The themes were very similar. They’d reached the top. They’d made a lot of money and earned widespread recognition. But they had no one to share it with. Their relationships had been poorly constructed and neglected. As a result, they’d come to the seminar to learn how to rebuild them. Most of these people thought they had it all, until they realized that it meant nothing without someone to enjoy it with.
If you approach your relationships with an attitude of What’s in this for me? or with an attitude of I don’t have time for anybody else, one day you will probably find yourself alone and wondering where all of your friends have gone. The most powerful tool you have for building lasting and mutually beneficial relationships is a service attitude, in which your goal in every relationship is to add value to the other person’s life.
Your goal should be to add to the quality of the lives of those people who have trusted you with their friendship. That means you are there for them when they need support and assistance. It means you aren’t afraid to stand up for them when others are putting them down or when they’ve fallen out of favor. It means you focus on the best that is in them and try to help them express it even when they aren’t focusing on the best in themselves. If you approach your relationships with that attitude, you will always be able to find shelter in the friendship and trust of others.
If you haven’t put substantial effort into developing strong relationships, then you should not be surprised to find yourself dealing with attitudes of loneliness, rejection, and isolation.
Building Your Own A-Team
The people you allow to embrace your life ultimately have the greatest impact on your attitude.
I can’t overemphasize the importance of building a solid A-Team. It’s critical, especially during those times when you are looking for guidance and sharing confidences. Ultimately, when you engage in conversation with another person, you have no control over how they share the information. By building a team with shared visions and values, you reduce the chances of having confidences shared beyond the team.
I can count on my A-Team to help me keep my attitude positive. They also help me see with a wider range of vision. At every major turning point of my life, there has been someone there to help me find the learning point. I’m sure it’s been the same way for you, even though in the day-to-day scramble, you may not have given much thought or enough credit to your own support team. It might be helpful for you to take some time to review your life and think of those who’ve made a difference.
Make a list of who’s on your A-Team to remind yourself of all the people who have supported you and helped you when your circumstances or attitude took a turn for the worse. Then, the next time you’re tempted to think you’re all alone, rid yourself of that negative thought by visualizing all the people who support you and believe in you.
If you find yourself with a lackadaisical attitude, bogged down, unmotivated, and unwilling to get off your If onlys, What ifs, and What nows, I suggest you think again of all the effort other people have put into your life and try this affirmation: I can’t let down the people who believed in me and worked for me. It’s time I started believing in and helping myself.
When I’m alone and on the road, or whenever I’m feeling a little lonely or down, I get in touch with one or two, or depending on the depth of my mood, three or four of the people on my A-Team. I call them or e-mail them just to make contact. I try to catch up on their lives and see how they are doing. I find that’s all I need, just to remind myself that I’m not alone. Of course, there are times when they call me. I want them to do that, because I want to contribute to their happiness and security too.
Relationships are built on two-way streets. They have to be mutually beneficial. Each side has to bring something of value. Otherwise they will not endure.
Networking Teams Are Built on Mutually Beneficial Relationships
Networking involves casting your net to connect with like-minded individuals and working toward establishing mutually beneficial relationships with them. Networking relationships are built upon an attitude of service and sharing.
Lynne Hellmer is a wonderful example of the power of a sharing attitude in networking relationships. Several years ago she decided to launch an “educational and inspirational initiative for working women as a one-time training activity.” Lynne envisioned 125 women coming together to be inspired and motivated to grow and to learn. Clearly other women shared her vision and felt a need to participate, because over four hundred of them attended the first conference. Lynne Hellmer began with a modest dream that grew into a phenomenal event that now draws more than eight thousand women from around the country.
I met Lynne several years ago when she asked me to speak at the Biennial Conference for Working Women. Speaking before this audience of professional women was one of the greatest experiences in my life. I went to motivate and got motivated. I went to inspire them, and they, in turn, inspired me. I think women today are moving with an attitude of action.
From a workshop aimed at a few hundred university-based clerical workers, this award-winning biennial event now draws thousands of working women nationally to the University of Illinois campus every other spring. From the start, Lynne Hellmer’s mission was important: to provide a forum in which working women at all levels can explore ideas and adopt innovative techniques that will help them rise to new levels of responsibility, recognition, and fulfillment. It is one of the nation’s greatest networking events for women.
It offers programs and speakers whose primary purpose has been to educate, inspire, and motivate. While the theme of every conference is different, the underlying focus remains the same—to help women at all levels build confidence, create possibilities, and arrive at reasonable real-life solutions to the shared problems they face in their personal and professional lives.
It was evident when I first met Lynne that she had a can-do attitude. She has definitely put her attitude into action. She overcame the inevitable setbacks and hazards associated with coordinating a major conference and remained undaunted. She didn’t envision it growing into such a phenomenal success and enriching so many, but when you do the right thing, and people with shared visions and values come together, your network grows.
While there is a tendency to overlook the fact that our needs are universal, Lynne was able to tap into other women’s needs. Everyone benefits: The women who attend her conferences depart with more skills and tools to enhance their personal and professional lives, and Lynne embraces her passion and purpose. That mutual sharing represents the best of networking relationships.
Shared Values Are the Foundation
To build a team and create a network, your goal and desire should be to pursue what is important to you. In return, not only will you be rewarded, but your efforts could be far-reaching and beneficial for others. All effective teams should have shared visions and values and be working toward the same end result. It’s very important to build your A-Team based on values.
Values are standards by which attitudes are formed. Values help you put your attitude into action. People move or gravitate toward what they care about or what they love.
Where your treasure is, your heart will also be.
—MATTHEW 6:21
Values help direct behavior and give us justification for our actions. My values for building my A-Team are the following:
Everyone Can Win the Gold
The U.S. women’s Olympic teams dominated the 2004 Summer Games, capturing gold medals in softball, soccer, and basketball. These great athletes won the gold not only because of amazing physical talent, but because they also understood the true concept of teamwork.
Bringing home a third consecutive gold medal, the U.S. Women’s Softball Team was the most dominant team of the Athens games. “We’re here for one thing,” said pitcher Lisa Fernandez before the games, “and that’s to win a gold medal.”
Upon taking the position to coach the Olympic team, Mike Candrea’s challenge to his players was twofold—to be special and to leave a legacy. The drive to win the gold became even more intense when Candrea’s wife died of a brain aneurysm while traveling with the team just one month prior to the games. “The only way I could help him [Candrea] get through it was to at least bring home the gold,” Fernandez said. “This team got it done, and we got it done in grand fashion.”
The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team also got it done. Player Cat Reddick, of Birmingham, Alabama, said, “We went out ready to win [the contest] for all of us and to send [retiring team members] out on top. After spending the last seven months together, I have never felt more a part of a team than I have with this one.”
Soccer team captain Julie Foudy, herself a three-time Olympian, huddled with her teammates just before they began overtime play. “All we have is thirty minutes. You have players on either side of you and in front and behind you. Believe and trust in each other and we’ll get this done.”
After the game, head coach April Heinrichs explained, “We had a belief and a unity within this team that made the difference. A belief not only in those players on the field, but in every player on the team, both on and off the bench, that we had the ability to do whatever it would take to win this competition…. The thing we talked about all year long was that we found ourselves behind in some games and it was important to find within ourselves the ability to come from behind.” When it counted most, Heinrichs says they never hesitated or doubted their ability to bounce back. “That is the belief this team had in themselves.”
Sacrifice made it happen, according to player Joy Fawcett. “This is a great family and I’m so proud of everyone,” she said. “We couldn’t have done it without every single person. Everyone gave everything and that is what we needed. Heck, yeah. It was a burden. But we all carried well and we all carried it together and that is how we won.”
Not just a fluke, the U.S. Women’s Basketball Team credits relationships for their gold too. The men’s team never accomplished either goal “I am so pleased with this team,” head coach Van Chancellor (of the Houston Comets) told reporters after the women’s team’s golden moment on the medal stand. “From day one, everyone did what we asked them to do. From one through twelve, they all knew what their roles would be and gave me everything they had…. I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for all twelve of these players. I am just so excited. Who would have believed that a little boy from Mississippi would grow up to coach a team to an Olympic gold medal? Unbelievable.”
Winning the gold is not unbelievable now. Not to the U.S. women’s softball, soccer, and basketball teams. These players believed in one another, cared about one another, and sacrificed for their common goal. They were of one mind, with a shared vision.
There is a lesson for us in their accomplishments. When people come together as did these American athletes, gold medals are available. Whether it’s increased profits and market share in your business or gaining success and happiness in your family life, you too can win the gold.
My grandmother once told me that everything I accomplish will be the direct or indirect result of someone else’s help. She taught me the importance of teamwork. There’s really no limit to what can be accomplished when no one cares who gets the credit.
Learn from Your Teaching Team
Great things are being accomplished in a Richmond, Virginia, elementary school because of a gifted teacher with a heart for kids and an A-Team that created an atmosphere of hope. I was introduced to Brian Shaffer after meeting his father, who gave me a ride following a conference where I had spoken. Brian’s father overheard that I had authored a book called Attitude Is Everything. He asked me some questions and wondered if I had any suggestions to help encourage his son, who was teaching fourth grade in the inner city. When I heard all that this phenomenal teacher had accomplished, I wanted to know what he could teach me!
Brian graduated from college in 2000 with a psychology major. He took his knowledge of child psychology and his burden for youth into the classroom and determined to make a difference. On day one of school, he laid out the ground rules and a behavior policy based on mutual respect and consistency. Respect was a new concept to these children, most of whom lacked any kind of positive role model at home. Many of his students were homeless, coming in and out of the school as they moved from shelter to shelter. Ninety-seven percent of the students at Clark Springs Elementary School were on the free-lunch program.
Brian explained to his class the rewards and consequences of certain behaviors, and he always followed through, doing exactly what he’d said he would. The rewards were fun, and the consequences were wrapped around character education. Kids began to learn leadership skills, and their self-esteem grew. Brian made it a point each day to give every child a chance to succeed. For instance, his students never went home not knowing how to do their homework. If it was math, Brian always did the first math homework problem with them to make sure everyone understood.
Brian believes in building kids up. At the beginning of the year, he read his students the Dr. Seuss classic Oh, the Places You’ll Go! The point of the book is that we all have brains in our heads and feet in our shoes to do whatever we want to do. Brian had his students write a paragraph about what they wanted to be when they grew up. Then they talked about how to accomplish it.
Brian’s work in the classroom paid off in test results. In his first year at Clark Springs Elementary School, his student passage rate for Virginia’s Standard of Learning (SOL) tests rose from 6 percent to 58 percent. The next year, 93 percent of Brian’s students passed. By the third year, his classroom had a 100 percent passage rate and 97 percent of the entire student body passed.
Brian’s success in the classroom spread throughout the school because of Brian’s A-Team. When Brian arrived at his new job, he immediately collaborated with the two other fourth-grade teachers. They had a shared value in their concern for youth. These teachers encouraged one another and learned from one another. They switched classes on occasion, and all used Brian’s behavior system. It wasn’t long before the principal and other teachers noticed a change in the fourth graders. These kids were excited about learning and demonstrated respect toward one another and their teachers. The entire school began to adopt Brian’s behavioral system and character education philosophy.
As a teacher, Brian strives to learn continually and believes that learning comes from experience. So, after three years at Clark Springs Elementary, he put in for a transfer to another school within the Richmond City public school system. He is now at a new elementary school with a positive behavioral support system already in place. Brian is expanding his A-Team, both contributing and learning from others in order to make a difference.
I would like to build an A-Team of teachers that are impacting youth as is Brian Shaffer. If you are a teacher or know a teacher who is having these kinds of victories, please contact me. Perhaps a teacher made a mark in your life, helping to lift you out of a difficult situation. If so, we want to hear from you as well. Please e-mail me at Keith@keithharrell.com. Together, we can build an A-Team of teachers to encourage one another to hang in there and fight the good fight. Our young people are worth it.
Evaluating Your Attitudes
About Relationships
Let’s look at the behaviors that are essential to building lasting and mutually supportive relationships.
Remove Toxic Negativity from Your A-Team
I believe that when you live with the five attitudes described above, you will attract the sort of people who make for a supportive and reliable A-Team. It’s vital that you surround yourself with caring, trustworthy, honest, positive, goal-oriented people. Their positive charge will motivate and inspire you. Their optimism will be contagious. Unfortunately, pessimism is also contagious, which is why you don’t want to surround yourself with negatively charged people. Pessimists by nature present a danger to your attitudinal health. Here’s a tip: If you ever need to borrow money, borrow from a pessimist, because they’ll never expect to get it back.
Pessimism:
Sure, you have the ultimate control over how you choose to respond to negative influences, but why put yourself in a situation where you always have to be on the defensive? Negative people simply create an environment that makes it harder to stay positive. Their attitudes can corrupt yours and throw you off track.
Judges and Critics
These are people of narrow perspective who tend to devote considerable time and effort to judging and criticizing the actions of others. They are heavily into making moral and value judgments. Their approach ranges from being openly critical and demoralizing to offering such casual critiques as “I certainly wouldn’t have done it that way.”
Understandably, people with a judgmental attitude are repelled by an aura of optimism around anyone else. To them, optimism is the mark of someone who is naive, unrealistic, or shallow. The optimist’s attitude is Lead, follow, or get out of the way! Some judgmental folks are filled with resentment. Others feel that they can’t control their own lives so they attempt to control others. They expect everyone to live within their narrow view of what is right and wrong. We may not agree with them, but if we let them into our lives, they can infect our own attitudes and disrupt our plans.
Professional Victims
Do you know someone whom life happens to? I know that’s an odd-sounding sentence, but these are odd people. They never make things happen. Things happen only to them. They say such things as “I should have gotten the job, but the boss has it in for me.” Or “My project didn’t work out because nobody else on my team wanted to do anything.” Or “I can’t get any of my assignments done because people keep calling me and wasting my time.”
These people can be counted on only to botch things up and then blame someone else. They:
Professional victims play the blame game. They take no responsibility. They’d like to help you out, but someone else is always getting in the way. They are helpless and hopeless and highly frustrating, so don’t let them take up a spot on your A-Team. Post a sign: No Victims Allowed!
Soap Opera Stars
Do you ever watch the soaps? You can admit it, no one will jump out from behind the page and arrest you. For many people, soap operas are a guilty pleasure. They’re certainly not boring. There are people, though, who think life is one big soap opera, minus the commercials. Like characters in a soap opera, these people often have over-the-top attitudes. They can be charming, charismatic, narcissistic, flamboyant, imaginative, compelling, and persuasive.
These soap opera pretenders love drama, and they love the limelight. They tend to see you as one of the supporting cast, or an extra put on the set merely to serve as a foil to their whims and fancies. They need an audience. You’re it.
There are no intermissions, and the curtain never comes down. Their lives are a long-running series. Just when you think the end is near, they’ll create another drama, dilemma, or crisis they cannot escape without you. They’re control freaks, and you’re the puppet they’re stringing along. To validate their own lives, they need you around as a witness—not as a participant, or a lovable sidekick, just a witness. “I can’t go on without you! You must save me!” is their cry. As soon as you try to get a speaking part, they step on your lines.
No matter how important the items on your agenda are or how badly you need to spend time doing something outside of their world, they won’t see it. Their life is a stage. If you’re smart, you’ll head for the exit. Tell them you’ll gladly read the reviews, but you don’t have time for another opening, or another show.
Bitter to the Core
People with this attitude have a motto: There’s nothing worse than seeing your friends succeed. These are unhappy people who gladly spread their misery around. They love company. They are angry, belittling, resentful, and at times vindictive. Sarcasm and biting humor are their favorite weapons, which they gleefully fire like poison darts. Their humor is hurtful and harmful. They have taken the bitterness pill as a cure for disappointment, hurt, or heartache, but it only makes their attitudes worse. Don’t let them push their poison pills on you.
Creating a Nontoxic Zone
Though we may not be able to isolate or eradicate all toxic people, we may be able to limit our exposure to them and minimize their impact on our own attitudes. One way to do this is to give them wide berth to avoid contamination. Unfortunately, sometimes the toxic person is a relative or a loved one. If you can’t avoid these people entirely, you should develop strategies for diluting or countering their influence. Here are proactive strategies for dealing with their lethal emissions.
Case Study: Disarming a Parent Who Has a Toxic Attitude
Noelle loves her father. Unfortunately, whenever she visits him, he makes judgments about her life and her friends and criticizes much of what she has done. She has adopted the attitude that she will not fall prey. Instead she seeks to rise above. She has learned to disarm and deflect his attitude rather than respond to it. When he makes quick judgments or criticizes her, she responds by finding something nice to say to him or by doing something kind. She shuts out the negative and focuses on the positive aspects of their relationship. It takes a great deal of self-control, but she has come to view it as a test of her strength and maturity. This strategy has worked well for Noelle. When her father becomes sarcastic, she offers him love and kindness. She models the behavior and attitude she wishes her father would offer to her. She has noticed him slowly beginning to respond.
Proactive Strategy: Rescuing the Wife/Victim
Charlie’s wife tends to be a professional victim. She may not yet have passed her apprenticeship, but she’s getting close. Whenever she falls into the victim mode, he walks her through all of the good things in her life to disarm her notion that “everything happens to me.” He uses gentle humor as a weapon to defuse her sense of victimization by comparing her life to I Love Lucy. He then helps her develop strategies for being proactive and leads her into action, hoping that she will eventually get the sense that she can take responsibility for her own happiness and success.
The Best Defense Against
Toxic People Attacks
It does no good to try and fight those in your life who have negative attitudes. Your best hope is to stay centered and focused on maintaining your own positive and productive attitude. It’s not always easy, of course. But finding that proper balance will eventually come naturally to you so that whenever your positive attitude is threatened, you’ll be able to center yourself mentally, focus on your long-term goals, and avoid being knocked off course. It is helpful, in difficult times, to call up the positive and supportive people who are on your A-Team. These are the people in your life who are consistently positive and upbeat. They take responsibility for their actions and are enthusiastic and encouraging of others. These are the people who take a proactive and responsive approach to life. These people believe in you and your ability to succeed.
Attitude Tune-Up
You are successful when you remember that somewhere, sometime, someone gave you a gift. That gift is what started you in the right direction. Remember that you are blessed when you pass that gift on to help someone else.