Music was my solace. It always had been. I could crank up the blues or jam to a heavy metal beat and forget my troubles for a while. Listening always worked, but creating my own music required more brain cells. Ideally, that would keep me focused.
I needed to stay focused.
I adjusted my headphones, closed my eyes, and leaned into the wall of sound cascading from my Stratocaster. It pulled me in and held me under, mending broken pieces faster than any other drug. I wished I were better with words and poetry. I could feel the symphony and sense color, but this was the only way I knew how to translate, so I had to make it count. I blended notes like a painter with a fresh palette and reminded myself I did what had to be done.
There was no other choice.
I was in love with someone who wouldn’t let himself fall for me. It went against his rules. I couldn’t change his mind. He had to do that. He had to—
The wall of sound crashed. I pushed my headphones around my neck and glared at Tegan. “What the fuck?”
“I was gonna ask you the same thing,” he retorted. “What are you doing here?”
“I work here. Plug me back in.”
T shook his head. “Not till you tell me what’s up.”
I raised a brow and stared him down. “I’m fine.”
“Bullshit.” He picked up a set of drumsticks from one of the stools arranged in a circle on the middle of one of the Persian rugs in the studio and tapped them together. “Want a ride to Justin’s with Dec and me?”
“No, thanks.”
Zero had finished practice early today. Charlie gave us instructions to meet up at Justin and Gray’s house for another round of photos later tonight, but I figured I’d sit this one out. I wasn’t in the mood.
“Hmm. When are you heading over there?”
“I’m not going.”
“Oh, yeah? Did you tell Charlie?”
“You can tell him,” I replied, trading my electric guitar for an acoustic.
He huffed in amusement. “I’ve never seen you this cranky before. It’s kind of cute, but…you need to let that go before Bobby J brings Parker in.”
I opened and closed my mouth like a codfish. “Parker?”
“Yeah, Bianca came by to let you know he was here, but the door was locked. Bobby J overheard and took him next door to hang out with Jealousy. They’ve been calling your cell, but you didn’t answer and—”
“He’s next door?” I repeated, bracing my elbows on the guitar and hanging my head. “Shit.”
“Hey, did something happen with Sean?”
I swallowed hard, hating that it hurt to hear his name. “It just…didn’t work out.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“Me too. And I don’t want to talk about it, but you were right. He wasn’t going to let me in and—”
“Dude, he already did,” Tegan intercepted.
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
T gestured manically toward the studio next to ours. “His kid is here. You actually know that kid. You probably know his favorite color and what size shoe he wears. And that might not sound like a big deal, but I dated Sean for well over a year, and I don’t think I ever knew his middle name.”
“Patrick,” I said unthinking.
“Yeah, I didn’t know that. For what it’s worth, I think you’re very, very important to him. And he’s…a little damaged. But hey, aren’t we all?” Tegan stood abruptly and smacked me upside the head. “Just keep Parker out of it. Kids don’t need to deal with adults being idiots.”
I jumped to my feet and curled my hands into fists. I knew better than to use them on Tegan. I needed my fingers to play.
“Fuck you,” I hissed. “I wouldn’t—”
“I know. I know. You care. You might even love him. And if that’s true, don’t give up. Be patient. The waiting is worth it for the real thing.” Tegan patted my back and stepped toward the door. “I’ll send Parker over.”
I stared after him for a moment, then reclaimed my stool. I balanced my instrument on my lap and bent over the strings. Parker walked into the studio, quiet as a church mouse. He chose the stool opposite mine, mimicking my posture as he strummed his guitar. I smiled when he played “Love Me Do.”
He was actually pretty damn good at it now. I joined in, bending the notes slightly to enhance the sound. He went directly into “Stairway to Heaven” and this time I looked up and laughed. He knew this was one of my favorites. He took it as far as he could before switching to Prince’s “Raspberry Beret.” He’d obviously been hanging out with me too much. His taste in music was eclectic…and old.
He stopped midway through the song and began a Zero song with similar chord progression. It was kind of genius as far as mash-ups go, but if I was reading this correctly, it also conveyed a message.
I flattened my hand over my strings and waited him out, chuckling when he finished with a rock star flourish.
“That was quite a concert. Nice job. You do McCartney and Lennon proud with ‘Love Me Do.’ ”
“Who’s that?” he asked, cocking his head.
I furrowed my brow. “Please tell me you’re kidding.”
Parker dissolved into laughter at my expression. His mischievous grin warmed me from the inside out. This was how he should feel all the time. Carefree, confident, and comfortable in his own skin. Something told me he’d get there.
He sobered and looked away briefly. “I just wanted you to know that I’ve learned a lot.”
A grapefruit-sized ball of emotion swelled in my chest, making my eyes water. I cleared my throat and nodded intently. “You have. You should be proud of yourself.”
“Yeah, I guess. So…is this my last lesson?” he blurted, avoiding my gaze.
“That’s up to you. You’re welcome here anytime, Parker. My schedule is about to get intense, and I may have to juggle things to make it happen, but Bobby J can always cover too. He’s a good guy.”
“Yeah,” he agreed, still not meeting my eyes.
“You know, I like science stuff too.” I smiled when he looked up. “I do. I don’t know as much as you, but I’d like to. It’s important to follow your passion. Don’t worry about what’s popular. Popular kids worry about stupid shit too. ’Scuse my French. Be happy. If studying the intestines of frogs is your thing, go for it. What I’m trying to say is…we can make time to do things you like too.”
“What about my dad?”
Fuck. Do not cry.
I blinked rapidly, then squinted to hold back the tears. “I don’t know.”
“I understand,” he said sagely. “I just—it’s, um…maybe later, when you feel like it, you can come around again. I think he misses you.”
“Yeah,” I choked. “That would be cool.”
“Penny misses you too.”
I smiled. “What about you?’
Parker shrugged but didn’t bother hiding his Cheshire cat grin. “You’re okay.”
I leaned over my guitar and mussed his hair. “You’re a punk. C’mon, let’s rock.”
“Wait. I just…thank you. Thanks for teaching me guitar. And…thanks for being my friend.”
I blinked back tears and nodded. “I’m the one who should thank you, Park. You’re one of the coolest guys I know. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
He smiled and lowered his head, then strummed his instrument.
It occurred to me as I watched his fingers move through a veil of tears that I’d done some growing up over the past few months. I didn’t have any answers, and I still had a hole inside me the size of the Grand Canyon, but I had reasons to hope. I wasn’t the same man I’d been at the beginning of the year. I’d let go of the notion that I wasn’t worthy or that I was a pretender.
No way. I was the real thing. I worked hard and I deserved the success I’d earned. If I couldn’t have everything I wanted, I could at least lead by example. And with a little luck, maybe one day…the right pieces would fall into place.
Later that night, just when I thought I had my head on straight, my cell buzzed.
Message from Penny Gruen.
Hi Johnny. It’s Penny. This is your invitation for dinner tomorrow. I can’t wait to see you!
Sean
Okay, this might be a long shot.
I glanced at the table for two Penny had set up outside next to the pool. She’d fussed over the tablecloth and insisted on cutting roses from the garden to match. Her handwritten menu lay on the plates beside her prized Wonder Woman glasses. Parker had compiled a soundtrack for the occasion and gave me strict instructions to push Play the second Johnny knocked on the door.
If he showed up.
No, he said he’d swing by. I checked our text exchange to make sure I hadn’t bungled the date.
Can you come over tomorrow at 6?
He hadn’t responded for an hour, but when he did, he wrote, Does this have anything to do with the message Penny sent earlier?
It might.
I watched three dancing dots appear, then disappear before I finally received his last text. Okay.
I was well aware that I’d set myself up for the possibility of falling flat on my face. This could all go wrong. I might be disappointed, humiliated, and left to lick my wounds alone, but I had to try.
Ding dong.
Lullah raced through the house. Her incessant barking clashed with the rapid tattoo of my heartbeat.
“Shh,” I scolded in a whisper. “Behave. Wish me luck, girl.”
She cocked her head adorably and waited for me to open the door.
Fuck, he was beautiful. The pop of red on his lips was his only concession to color. He wore black jeans, a black T-shirt, a black leather jacket, and a tentative smile.
“Hi.”
“Hi, come in.” I stepped aside and gave him room to greet Lullah properly before closing the door and moving ahead of him into the house. I pushed Play on my iPad, then waited for him to join me in the kitchen. “Do you want something to drink?”
“Uh…no. You said this was important and Penny insisted on—” He entered slowly with his hands in his pockets, then cocked his head and pointed at the ceiling. “Why are you listening to this song?”
I shrugged nonchalantly as if surprised to hear “Love Me Do” piped through the speakers. I uncapped a beer and handed it to him. If he didn’t drink it, I would. I was parched as hell and more nervous than I’d ever been in my life.
“No idea. Um, look, I have something to say.”
“Me too. Hey, I’m sorry I put you on the spot like that. It was a crappy thing to do. You shouldn’t ask anyone for more than they can give. That’s a rule, I think. I’m not good at rules or—”
“Fuck rules.”
“O-kay…” Johnny narrowed his eyes. “Are you all right?”
I swallowed hard. “No. Not really.”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No, please. Please stay,” I choked. I shook my head and let out a strangled sound when my carefully planned words failed me. “I had a speech written in my head and I can’t remember anything now that you’re here. I just…I wish I had the right words. I wish I knew how to say what I feel and tell you what I want.”
Johnny set the beer bottle on the island untouched and leaned against the counter.
“What do you want, Sean?”
“You.”
He bit his bottom lip and glanced away briefly. “I want you too, but I don’t fit in your world. We both know it.”
“You’re the only one who fits,” I insisted. “Only you, Johnny. Only you.”
“I don’t—”
“I love you.”
He opened his mouth and closed it. “You…”
“I do. I love you.” I stepped close, tracing his jawline with a shaky hand as I met his gaze.
“Yeah?”
“So fucking much.” I blinked to keep tears at bay and nodded. “From the second you walked in here with your guitar, your smart mouth, and your fucking beautiful smile, you’ve owned my heart, baby. I don’t want to live half a life anymore. And I cannot live without you. Give me a chance to—”
Johnny launched himself into my arms. “Shh. I love you too. I love you.”
I breathed him in, wrapping him tighter still before crashing my mouth over his. There was no finesse in the kiss…just gratitude. Sweet, soul-wrenching gratitude.
I inched away, brushing his nose playfully. “There’s more. I want you in my life…all the way. Every part of you. And I want everyone to know you’re mine.”
“Everyone?”
“Yes. Everyone. I told Fiona about you.”
“Oh.”
“I figured she should know…because of the kids.”
Johnny bit his bottom lip. “What’d you tell Parker and Penny?”
“I told them I love you,” I replied simply.
“You did?”
“Yes, and—come with me. I’ll show you.” I laced my fingers with his and led him outside to the neatly made table.
“What’s all this?”
“A romantic dinner…kid-style. Penny set the menu. We’re having mac and cheese with chicken fingers. Parker provided the music. He insisted that we start with the Beatles. And Lullah greeted you at the door. My family loves you, Johnny.”
His dark hair fell into his eyes as he bent to pick up the menu.
“I love them too,” he whispered in a raspy voice.
“They want you to be their family too. Almost as much as I want it.”
Johnny turned to face me. “Yeah?”
“I’m kind of a package deal. I can’t give you myself without letting them in.”
“I know.”
“They’re my world, but you…you are my everything.” I cupped his face and stroked his chin tenderly.
Johnny smiled. “Then say it again.”
“I love you.”
“Are you sure about me?” He sniffed, wiped at his eye with the back of his hand. “What happens when I go on tour and I’m gone for a month?”
“I’ll come see you. Often. I’ll cheer you on from the front row. And when we can’t be together, I’ll feed your cat and make sure you have a warm meal waiting when you get home. And when you’re home, I’ll make sure you never doubt for one second that this is where you belong. I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life. I promise you that.”
Johnny wrapped his arms around my waist. I pulled him closer still and kissed his forehead.
“I got Penny’s text, so I’m assuming they’re in on this.”
I chuckled. “A little bit. I needed them to be part of this…to a degree.”
“Where are they?”
“Upstairs. They’re giving us time alone. But Penny is going to want to serve us dinner, and Parker will probably insist on taking over the music. Are you ready for it?”
Johnny grinned so wide it had to hurt his face. “Very ready. Bring it on.”
I glanced at the two faces pressed against the upstairs window and signaled for them to join us.
A minute later, we were surrounded. Penny raced outside, squealing with glee as she threw her arms around Johnny, and Lullah barked like crazy. Parker hung back until Johnny and I pulled him close.
And suddenly, we were complete. This was my family.
Somehow I knew Johnny felt it too. He had a family of friends, but he had us now too.
He rested his forehead on my shoulder and swayed in my arms. He seemed happy and content and damn, I never wanted to let go. A wave of peace swept over me, anchoring me in place. The man responsible for turning my world upside down emanated joy and love. I would do whatever it took to be worthy of him. I was older, though not always wiser. I had much to learn, and I was ready to tackle every challenge, starting from the top, with my rock star by my side.