When in doubt, offer libations…
“Sorry, Chris. My timing has been off for a couple of weeks.” I raked my fingers through my messy locks and gestured toward the great room. “Can I get you something to drink? OJ, Diet Coke, water, tequila?”
“My name isn’t Chris. It’s Christopher,” he said primly, scanning the high ceilings and the collage of black and white photography in the foyer. “My friends call me Topher or Toph.”
“Cool. Pleased to meet you.”
“We’ve met,” he blurted. “It was a long time ago. You probably don’t remember. I was at your parents’ house for a small party for George’s birthday. You were there with a bunch of…football people.”
I smiled. I probably had met him. But I’d met a lot of people and names were not my forte. “That could be—”
“Beowulf? Did you really say Beowulf?” He sighed heavily, awkwardly clutching the strap of his computer bag as he paced from one corner of the small foyer to the other. “I’m very rusty on my Old English poems.”
I chuckled. “Dude, so am I. Let’s head this way. I need to put on a pair of shorts.”
He moved behind me down a short hallway to the main living area. Now this was where most people dropped their jaws and gaped in wonder at the stunning view of the Pacific beyond the floor to ceiling windows. Sunlight glittered like diamonds on the waves. I’d lived here for two years and woke to this view every day I wasn’t on the road. It never failed to impress.
But Chris—excuse me, Topher didn’t seem particularly impressed. He seemed agitated. He mumbled about Grendel, Anglo Saxon construction, and…alliteration? No idea. He set his bag on a barstool and continued pacing from one end of the island to the other.
“Think, think, think. Beowulf is a hero’s tale. I know that much. He defeats Grendel but dies fighting a dragon some fifty years later. Maybe. I’ll have to do some research. Not to worry. I’m very good at research.”
I wasn’t sure he was talking to me, but I gave him a thumbs up and inclined my head toward my room.
“Make yourself at home. I’ll be right back.”
I stepped sideway and bumped into him on his third lap, dislodging the towel from my waist. It slipped to the floor between us in a whoosh.
Now here’s the thing…I’d spent a good deal of my life in locker rooms, and dropping my towel didn’t register as even slightly embarrassing. Teammates, coaches, physicians, sports reporters…they’d seen it all. However, I wasn’t in a locker room and Topher was my brother’s very tightly-wound friend. Any moment now, he’d freak out.
On the bright side, he might stop talking about Beowulf.
“Oh, my God. You are fucking huge.”
I widened my eyes comically and let out a very undignified snort-laugh.
“Well, thanks. I think.” I bent to retrieve the towel and did a double-take before wrapping the fabric around my ass. “You’re staring at my junk, Christopher.”
“Topher,” he corrected. “And don’t mind me. I’m just doing the math.”
“What math?”
He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times then cleared his throat. “Um…nothing. It’s just a science thing.”
“My dick is a science thing?”
“Everything is science. Even your penis. Did you know that the humans may have the largest penis of all primates? Girth-wise, that is. A gorilla’s appendage is just two inches long.”
“You don’t say.” I set the towel on the island and crossed my arms over my chest, leaving said appendage on full display. In the name of science.
Topher adjusted his glasses. “It’s true. The average human male’s genitalia is just over five inches long when erect. Chimpanzees and bonobos are similar in length, but more slender than ours.”
“So a chimpanzee has a pencil dick.”
“Some humans may as well.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and glanced away as if to hide his pinkening cheeks. “You don’t.”
My grin was so wide it hurt. “No, I don’t. But how can you tell in my, um…current state?”
He met my gaze then and furrowed his brow. “You should put some clothes on. I think this is an inappropriate conversation.”
I chuckled as I wrapped the towel around my waist again. “You think?”
“Well, if you want honest opinion…the human anatomy is fascinating and quite beautiful. I don’t find it inappropriate, but I’m…”
“A scientist,” I finished for him.
“Exactly.”