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“What happened yesterday?” Maria said as they were walking in the garden, arm in arm.
Anna was glad that Cilla was nowhere in sight. She felt raw from crying all night and she was uncertain how she would have reacted if she had seen Cilla today. Just the thought of being near the young child seemed enough to make her lose control over herself again.
“Nothing,” Anna tried to lie, even though she knew that she would never convince Maria that way.
Maria simply sent her a pointed look, making her understand that she did not believe her.
“If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. But don’t try to fool me into believing that you are alright,” she said.
Anna squeezed her arm in appreciation, trying to think whether there was a way to speak to Maria about it. Until Maria had conceived Cilla, everyone had thought, that she was barren. She had been married twice before marrying Jonathan and neither of them had expected her to be able to have a child. Ironically enough they had counted on Anna and Valdemar to have a son, that would succeed Jonathan. If anyone would understand, it was Maria. Yet, Anna did not know why she hesitated.
“You said the other day, that you sometimes felt like you loved Cilla even more than Jonathan,” Anna said without looking at Maria.
“Don’t ever repeat that,” Maria said jokingly.
Anna looked at her, and she guessed that Maria could see that she was serious, because her smile disappeared, and she said in a more subdued voice:
“Yes, I feel that way sometimes. Even though I’m not proud of it. And don’t get me wrong, I love him so much I sometimes feel the love is too big to be inside my body.”
Anna knew the feeling, and it only made her ache even more. But she needed to know. It was one of the reasons she had asked Maria to go for a walk with her. Despite the obvious reason that she wanted her company and could not stand another hour in her room, sobbing her eyes out.
“If you had had Cilla with one of your previous husbands, do you think that you would have loved her as much?” Anna asked. She knew that Maria had not loved either of her former husbands and that they had not loved her.
Maria was silent for a while. The only sound was the gravel under their feet and the birds singing.
“I think I would,” Maria said slowly as she had Anna sit down on the stone bench they reached. “Even though Cilla is the fruit of mine and Jonathan’s love, I can’t imagine that I would have loved her any less, even if I had not loved her father. I think... and this is a very cruel and disgusting thing to say, but I think that even if I had been raped and I hated her father, I would not be able not to love her.”
She looked intently at Anna with her dark brown eyes.
“I can see that the answer is important to you,” Maria said and slowly stroke Anna’s cheek. Anna nodded as she closed her eyes, trying to keep the tears away. When she felt that she was unable to, she leaned forward to hug Maria, hiding her head at Maria’s shoulder.
“I think I want a child, Maria,” she whispered into her friend’s neck. “No, I know I want one. And I...”
She sat up straight, trying to dry the endless stream of tears from her eyes to no avail.
“And I’m just...” she looked out over the garden with the beds of lavender, roses and a thousand other flowers. It seemed that several of them had been cut recently. She would have to talk to the gardener about that. She looked back at Maria. “I just don’t know how I’ll get over the fact that it won’t be Valdemar’s child.”
Maria grabbed her hands, squeezing them hard.
“I understand that, I really do. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it is... But there is no reason you have to have a child now. You can wait, give yourself another couple of years.”
Anna nodded as she pried a hand lose and dried the tears from her eyes again.
“But how will I know if I will ever be ready?” she whispered. “And then... what if it’s too late?”
She thought of the little boy that she had seen in her inner eye last night. With golden hair just a shade darker than Wulfric’s but definitely with his dark brown eyes. That boy could be a reality. If she acted on it now. Wulfric would not wait for her forever. She could not ask that of him. He had said that his mother had found suitable candidates and he would probably marry one of them if she did not do anything.
Anna stood up so quickly that Maria’s hand that had still been holding one of hers fell through the air.
“I need to go,” she said and had already turned her back to Maria. “I... there’s something I need to do.”
She hurried through the castle, having to stop only once to speak with the cook that almost chased her down a hallway and wanted to talk about dinner. Anna was panting when she stood outside of Wulfric’s room trying to compose herself. She had no idea what she should say, only the urgent feeling that if she did not act now, it might be too late.
After another deep breath she knocked on the door. Wulfric opened the door only a sliver.
“Anna?” he said hesitantly. “What... Why... What can I do for you?”
He looked a bit flushed.
Oh, God, Anna thought. There was another woman in there. Of course, there was. That was why he was being to secretive. It made her stomach clench to think of him with someone else but at the same time she had to remind herself, that she had no claim on him. She was the one that had said she needed time. Who had not send for him, when he was staying at Grubbesholm. Who had said only yesterday that they should not sleep with each other again.
“I’m sorry, you’re obviously occupied,” she said and turned to walk away.
Wulfric’s arm shot out of the door and grabbed hold of her arm before she was able to leave.
“Anna, no, I’m sorry, you just surprised me. I’m not occupied at all,” he said and hauled her inside.
His whole room had been decorated with flowers. There seemed to be bouquets on all the surfaces and petals had even been spread over his bed.
“Do you like it?” he said with a smile.
Anna looked at him quizzically, wondering whether he had gone insane.
“It’s lovely,” she said hesitantly.
“I’m glad you think so, I thought you liked flowers,” Wulfric said and took her hand leading her further into the room.
“Wulfric, what’s going on?” Anna said unsure. She had completely forgotten the reason that she was there in the first place.
“Anna,” Wulfric said and took a deep breath. He was still smiling broadly. Had she ever seen him smiling as broadly to anyone else? Anna could not recall it. It had to be a good sign. “Anna,” he said again and then he dropped to one knee. “Anna, will you marry me?”
Anna looked at him stunned.
“Wulfric, what’s going on?” Anna said and looked around as if she suspected to find someone hidden in a corner. Jonathan, or Maria maybe. But they were all alone in the heavily scented room.
“I’m asking you to marry me,” Wulfric said, and she could see, that some of the light had gone from his face. Yet he went on: “I thought that I should make my intentions perfectly clear. I want to marry you. I want to live with you for the rest of my life.”
The phrase stung a little, since it was exactly what Valdemar had done, lived with her for the rest of his life. She could only hope that Wulfric would have a longer life than him.
Wulfric slowly got up and held onto her shoulders.
“I’m sorry, Anna. I can see that it is not, what you want.”
She looked up into his brown eyes, remembering the child, she had imagined. Their child. Remembering why she was there in the first place.
“No,” she said gently and reached up to touch his cheek. “No, I do want to marry you.”
“You do?” Wulfric said and she cold both see and hear how surprised he was.
Anna nodded and smiled.
“I do.”
One moment they had been standing a foot apart, the next she was in his arms, being clutched to his chest. Anna laughed against his mouth as he kissed her and snaked her arms around his neck, feeling like a vine trying to cling to him. At least they would have desire. At least they would have companionable silences and respect for each other. At least they would have children.
“Take me to bed,” she whispered, as she tried to forget, why “at least” was important in all of those sentences.
Wulfric quickly carried her to the bed, placed her atop the rose petals and lay down over her. It felt so good to have his whole body weighing her down. No, she would not grow tired of sleeping with him. There was no way that she would. No way, that she ever could.
Their kisses were intense, and she could feel that she wanted him already even though they were still both fully dress. Even though he had not touched or kissed any other part of her body than her mouth.
“Touch me,” she whispered against his lips and started tugging on her skirt. Wulfric leaned on one elbow and helped her lift the skirt above her hips. She sighed as his fingers found her center and his mouth found hers again. She pressed her womanhood greedily against his hand, not knowing why she felt this urgency.
She could feel that Wulfric tried to get a finger inside of her.
“You’re not that wet yet,” he murmured as he kissed his way down her neck, “But I know just what to do about that.”
“Oh, yes,” was all that Anna could say as his intension became clear to her. His head was soon resting between her thighs and now he did not waste time teasing her. He started kissing her and licking her greedily. Anna had one hand in his hair while she was clutching the bedsheet with the other.
Yesterday – had it really only been yesterday? – she had asked him to stop, because she wanted to climax with him inside of her. Now she felt greedy. She wanted to climax with his mouth on her, then climax with him inside her afterwards. As he spilled himself inside her. This time she could cling to him all she wanted.
She had to smile, then moan again as Wulfric slid two fingers inside of her and started moving them as he still licked her. They could do this every day. Every day from now on, she reminded herself. All over the castle, in all of the rooms.
Her muscles began to tense, her body seemed to have a mind of its own, as her hips bucked towards Wulfric’s mouth, even though he was giving her everything that she needed. She heard him softly laugh, the hot breath of air he exhaled almost as tantalizing as his tongue.
One of his hands was lying on her flat belly, trying to hold her down, as she bucked again, while he was still penetrating her with two fingers on the other hand.
“Oh, Wulfric,” Anna moaned. “Oh.”
Her whole body seemed to tense, and she tried to buck again as she reached her climax. She felt Wulfric kiss her inner thigh, then his fingers leaving her. He moved and lay on top of her again.
“Anna, that was...”
“Beyond good,” Anna said with a smile and opened her eyes to look at him. “Beyond amazing,” she said as she stroked his cheek.
Wulfric smiled and kissed her. Then he moved his head to the crook of her shoulder and for a moment they were simply holding each other.
“I want you inside of me,” Anna murmured into his hair. “And this time I don’t want you to be careful.”
Wulfric lifted his head and looked at her.
“Are you certain?” he said, and she could see that he would find it difficult if she said no, but that he would do it, if she demanded it of him. Anna nodded.
“We’re getting married now, remember?” she said with a smile.
Wulfric smiled broadly and it was like watching the sun appear from behind a sky. Anna smiled back. They helped each other open his pants and Wulfric pulled them down to his knees, then she felt him at her entrance.
“Are you... do you need help?” Anna said, but then felt the tip of him inside of her.
He shook his head and smiled as he thrust inside of her and sheathed himself completely. Anna wrapped her arms and legs around him, holding on to him tightly as he started moving inside of her. She could cling to him now. They were getting married. They might even be making a child now.
She kissed his neck, then found his mouth and kissed him fiercely. Life with Wulfric would be good. He would be a good husband. A good father. She could depend on him.
She moaned as she felt how her body started building up to a new climax.
“Oh, Wulfric,” she said, holding on tightly to his arms.
“Oh, Anna,” he answered. “Oh, Anna, oh, you feel so good, oh, I love you...”
Anna felt like something drained from her and then went completely limp. Her arms and legs untwined from Wulfric’s, simply lying on the bed. He felt her change of mood immediately and stopped moving inside of her, then withdrew completely. He sat back on his heels, staring at her. He looked ridiculous with his shirt still on, his pants around his knees and his cock still erect but Anna found nothing to laugh about. All she could see was the vulnerable look in his eyes.
“Anna,” he said and stroked something from her cheek. A tear. Anna realized that she was crying.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered hoarsely because of the tears. “I’m so sorry,” she said as she got up from the bed.
“Anna, tell me, what is going on?” Wulfric said as he rose from the bed and put on his pants.
Anna hid her eyes behind her hands, crying uncontrollably as she had done last night.
“I’m so sorry,” was all that she was able to get out.
Wulfric was standing next to her now. He slowly reached for her and pulled her into a tender embrace.
“Anna, please,” he whispered into her hair as he stroked her back. “Please tell me, what I did. Did I hurt you in any way?”
Anna fiercely shook her head against his chest. She was unable to speak, but she would not for one moment let him think, that he had hurt her.
“No, it’s nothing like that,” she was finally able to get out. She moved slowly to get out of his embrace and watched as Wulfric’s arms fell to be by his side. It would be the last time, that she had been in them she realized, and it only made her cry even more.
“Anna,” he said and reached for her again, but Anna stepped away.
“No,” she said hoarsely. “I’m sorry.”
She walked to the window, looking down at the moat and the fields. There was nothing to see, no one was there. The sight slowly made her able to calm down. All the while she could feel Wulfric standing about four yards away looking at her.
“I’m sorry,” she said as she turned to face him. Her voice was steadier now, although still hoarse.
“Will you please tell me, what happened?” Wulfric said and she could see both pain and confusion written plainly on his face.
“You said that you love me,” Anna said and could not meet his gaze.
“Anna, I do,” Wulfric said and walked over to her and took her hand. “I don’t ever want you to doubt that I do. Perhaps making a declaration of love while still in bed was perhaps not the best way to express my feelings...”
“It’s not that,” Anna said and took a deep breath. She looked at his hand holding hers. It seemed cruel to withdraw it just before she would break his heart. She met his eyes again. “I care for you a lot, Wulfric. You are a great friend...”
He let go of her hand and turned away from her.
“... a great lover,” Anna went on, “And I think that we would have a great marriage.”
“A lot of greats,” was all that Wulfric said with his back still to her.
“Yes,” Anna said and swallowed. She looked at his back. He was not crying. At least she did not think so. His shoulders were not shaking. He was just standing with his back to her, completely frozen in time. She should leave she guessed, but she could not move. Could not move past him and walk out the door until she had explained herself.
“Why did you agree to marry me?” Wulfric said.
Anna sighed. He deserved her to be completely honest, even though it would be painful for her.
“Up until last night I have never been able to imagine that my children would not look like Valdemar. I’ve always imagined a little boy with black hair and blue eyes just like him.”
Anna paused to take a deep breath. Wulfric did not say anything. Did not even turn around.
“Then yesterday, when we were playing chess, I overheard how Lord Goodwin would describe his children. How some of them looked like him, others like their mother and some like their grandparents. And suddenly I could see a whole range of children...” she hesitated uncertain how he would take what she would say next. But she had already said this much, and she would not hide the last part from him. It was the only reason she could give him.
“For some reason I imagined what our child would look like,” she said. Wulfric spun around to look at her. “A little boy,” Anna could not help but go on, “With hair that was just a bit more golden than yours, although not as golden as mine, and dark brown eyes, just like you.”
She could see Wulfric gulp, but he did not say anything, only stared intently at her.
“I really want a child, Wulfric,” she said, and she started to cry again. “And I thought you would be the perfect father. You will be the perfect father. Just not for my children.”
“Why, Anna?” Wulfric said hoarsely.
“Because you’re in love with me, and I’m not in love with you.”
“But it would be my decision whether I want to marry you on those terms,” Wulfric said, and Anna felt glad that he sounded angrier now than sad.
“But would you?” she said and dried her eyes with her sleeve. “Would you marry me, knowing that I might never be able to love you the way you love me?”
Wulfric did not answer right away, and Anna went on.
“I would hate to see you grow bitter because of it,” Anna said. “And how could it not? If I had loved Valdemar, and he had not loved me back... It would have broken my heart every day that I had to look at him.”
Wulfric took a couple of deep breaths, and it was clear that he was trying to compose himself.
“It should still be my decision, not yours. I would be the one suffering from it, not you,” he said through clenched teeth.
“So, you would still be willing to marry me?” Anna said in a strained voice.
Wulfric nodded. He walked over to her quickly, taking her hands again.
“Anna, I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone but you,” he said, and Anna was sure that he meant it.
“You will be able to at some point,” Anna said. “I won’t trap you into a marriage like that. I can’t.”
She pried her hands loose of his grip and walked towards the door. When she reached it, she turned with her hand on the knob and looked at him intently.
“I hope you believe me when I say that I really do care about you and I only wish what is best for you,” then she quickly opened the door and left his room before he was able to say anything else.