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Anna slammed the door to her room, locking it soundly. She would not open it for anyone, and certainly not for Wulfric. How could he? She had seen him prancing after both Lady Katarina and Lady Louisa and somehow it had not sunk in. Somehow, she had imagined... She didn’t know what she had imagined. But she certainly had never thought that she would feel like this. This hollow, this nauseated.
She felt like being on board a ship in heavy sea, having to support her way to a chair by grabbing hold of each piece of furniture that she passed on the way. It felt like losing someone. She had felt just as hollow when Valdemar had died. Just as nauseated.
Slowly, she lowered herself into the chair. How had she been so blind? He had proposed to her. He had told her that he loved her, and then she had turned him down. She might have told him, that she could never love him. And she had broken his heart, she could see that. It had been written all over his face. He had been in love with her for years, she had agreed to marry him, and then only a moment later she had turned him down.
Anna closed her eyes, pressing her palms against them, willing the tears to stay in. What she wouldn’t give for him to come rushing through the door now, stating that he still loved her, that he still wanted to marry her. But he wouldn’t. Wulfric would be forced to marry Lady Katarina now, and it would be what he wanted, why else would he have kissed her?
It was just a kiss, Anna, she told herself. Not even a very passionate one from the looks of it, but still. The image of him bent over someone else. Kissing someone else.
Anna almost jumped out of the chair. She needed to move. She couldn’t just be sitting in the chair. If she moved, she might be able to keep the image away. She might be able to keep the thoughts of the future away. Wulfric married to someone else. Making love to someone else. Having children with someone else. He and Katarina living just two hours ride away. They were neighbors. They would probably see each other all the time.
If only she had not said anything earlier. If only she had waited. Just a couple of days. She had been so wrapped up in her own emotions about having children. About her children not being Valdemar’s children. She had not analyzed her feelings towards Wulfric properly. Otherwise surely, she would have realized that she loved him. Already back then, she had to have loved him. Probably much sooner if she came to think of it. But she hadn’t and she had been scared.
Now he thought that she did not love him. That she could never love him. No matter what his feelings for her was, he would have to marry Katarina.
Anna paced the floor restlessly for the rest of the night, not being able to cry, nor to come up with a solution. And in only three days she would have to give Nicholas Lewinus an answer.
***
“Did you hear about Rosenkranz?” Maria said as they met the next morning to go for a walk. Maria had wanted to walk in the garden to be close to Cilla, but Anna had requested that they walked some place else. Cilla had had to stay home, and they were now walking in the forest with several guards with them. Maria had not been content, but it was clear to Anna that she had been able to feel her urgency.
Anna was sure that news of Wulfric and Lady Katarina’s engagement would have reached everyone by now.
“Yes, it’s very fortunate for him,” she said in a bleak voice.
“Fortunate?” Maria said and looked appalled at her. “I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing...”
At Anna’s questioning look she continued:
“His mother fell down the stairs. She is most likely going to die within the next couple of days.”
“What?” Anna stopped. She had suddenly started shaking. “I had not heard.”
She remembered the reason why she had been in the garden in the first place last night. The messenger. That was what it was about. She should have stayed. Followed him to the messenger. At least she could have offered him comfort if nothing else.
Hot tears were streaming down her cheeks, and she quickly wiped them away.
“Anna, what’s wrong?” Maria said gently, placing a hand on her shoulder.
“Nothing,” Anna said and started walking again, faster this time making it more difficult for Maria with her shorter legs to keep up.
“Anna, please, something’s wrong,” Maria said, a little out of breath, and grabbed hold of Anna’s dress to stop her.
Anna spun around to face her.
“Something’s not wrong, everything’s wrong,” she said as she tried to wipe the tears from her face again.
Maria hugged her tightly.
“Perhaps you could go to him. Talk to him, I’m sure, he would appreciate that,” Maria said as she stroked Anna’s back.
Anna shook her head unable to say anything at the moment.
“It’s too late,” she whispered into Maria’s shoulder when she was finally able to speak. “He’s going to marry someone else.”