“I’ve seen her change too,” Kay says, a few hours after Mom has left and we’ve moved our conversation to the lodge. “Over the years.”
“Yeah, playing the victim doesn’t really suit anyone.” I bite down hard on the inside of my bottom lip, trying to fend off the wave of emotion that is coming loose again. “I used to really look up to her, while Nina was always more of a Daddy’s girl. I guess, when it came out, she was at that delicate age where disappointment turns into destructive rage. One she, obviously, still hasn’t recovered from.”
I spot the look of puzzlement in Kay’s eyes, but she doesn’t probe.
“Dad had a mistress. A full-blown affair with someone from work. It lasted a year and, as Mom likes to remind us, if she hadn’t found out, it might have gone on forever.”
Kay’s eyebrows shoot up. “John? Are you kidding me?”
“I know. You’d never have pegged him for the sort just by looking at him. A quiet, demure, hard-working man who never wished harm on anyone. Although it put the hours he spent at work into perspective, of course.” I can grin at it now. I’ve spent years analyzing the possible motivations for my Dad to strike up a romance with another woman, always coming back to the same old reasons. I also know that, while it was the direct catalyst for the destruction of our family, at the core of it all, it wasn’t the main reason.
“I was only thirteen and I didn’t really understand what was going on, but Nina took it hard. He was her hero, you know? The guy she adored most in the world. After that, she went off the rails. Fell in with a bad crowd. Blew her college applications. It’s hard to say why some people never bounce back. She’s very much like Mom in that respect. Very proud. Extremely stubborn. Would rather hold on to a super-destructive grudge than forgive. Not budging an inch.”
I glance at Kay. She has narrowed her eyes, appearing fully absorbed by the sordid details of my family’s secrets.
“Mom made it seem as if she was making a huge sacrifice by not leaving him. By standing by his side and not kicking him out. That first year, not a day went by that she didn’t rub it in all of our faces. Dee Goodman, the biggest person on the planet.” I shake my head. “But let’s just say that, from then on, dinner was quite a frosty affair. Every moment bathed in an accusatory silence and every word drenched in blame. They dealt with it the way they deal with everything: by not addressing it, by keeping up appearances at all costs, and by ignoring it until the problem goes away.” I fix my eyes on Kay. “Have there never been any rumors about this in town?”
Kay shrugs. “It happened so long ago, but no, not that I know of.” She spreads her arms. “And, growing up here, I’ve heard a lot of gossip. Even at an age when I wasn’t supposed to.” She flashes me a grin, her bright white teeth glittering in the dusk. “There was talk about Nina, of course. About her and the Hardy boy. How that turned out.”
“The final nail in my Mom’s coffin. God, you should have heard her. As if all the suffering of the world had been piled upon her. ‘After all I’ve done for this family.’ Endless litanies like that. The problem with Mom is that she has always believed that she’s the only one who ever had the courage to do the right thing. Not that it’s all Mom’s fault.” I sigh deeply. “And now they’re both retired, still living in the same house, spending most of their time together—well, minus the hours Dad spends at The Attic. Can you believe that?”
“True love and all that,” Kay says in a sarcastic tone.
“Love?” I snicker. “If I know one thing in my life with absolute certainty, it’s that love has nothing to do with it.” I let my gaze drift over the water.
“Tough day today, Little Ella,” Kay says, as if reading my mind again. “Swim?”
“God yes.” I glower at Kay, unsure if she means a repeat of our nude night swimming session of the day before. Night hasn’t fully fallen yet, and I’m a bit hesitant to shed all my clothes.
She pulls her t-shirt over her head, revealing the white bikini top that suits her skin tone so well.
“I’m not wearing my bathing suit.” I watch Kay step out of her shorts and I feel it again. I feel glad to be alive.
“Just jump in in your underwear.” Kay turns and leers at me. “Or naked.” Coquettishly, she brings her hands to her hips. “You won’t get any complaints from me.” She walks to the water’s edge and dives in.
Perhaps because of all the memories I’ve dug up today, and how everything about them seemed to be about being in control and curbing the sense of freedom needed for happiness, I take off all my clothes and, naked, jump in after Kay.
“Bold move, Goodman.” Kay is treading water in the middle of the lake. “Not that I was watching.”
With the water flowing all around me, unobstructed by any fabric, I feel almost as one with the lake—and I never want to wear my bathing suit again.
As the sky turns a shade darker, I glare at Kay. She’s so easy to be around. So uncomplicated. So pure. So everything I’m not.
“Thank you.” The words bubble up from the bottom of my heart.
“For what?” Despite the darkness, I see the kindness in her eyes.
“Just for being you—and being here.”
“Oh, Ella,” she pauses for a split second, “you have no idea.”
Before I have a chance to respond, she swims off in the other direction. Momentarily stunned, I watch her as the distance between us grows bigger, but I don’t give her time to get away too far. I’m not as good a swimmer as Kay, and it takes a while before I catch up with her. I rest my elbows on the landing where she has chosen to rest, breathing in deeply to restore my heart rate to something acceptable.
“What did you mean by that?” I manage to puff out between sharp intakes of breath. Our elbows nearly touch.
“Nothing, really.” Kay slowly turns her head to face me. “Nothing I could possibly burden you with right now, anyway.” Something in her eyes has changed. As if, deep inside of her, a battle is raging, a fierce debate on whether to lower her defenses or not.
“Come on. I just shared the best kept Goodman family secret with you.”
Under water, our feet bump into each other.
Her eyes still on me, our feet now a safe distance apart, she says, “I take it back. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“What? Why?” I feel the moment slipping away.
“Additionally, I could never tell you while your naked body is floating so close to me.”
Suddenly, I’m very aware of my nipples and how hard they’ve become. How the water between my legs seems to pulse to the rhythm of my heartbeat.
“Never mind.” Kay starts pushing herself out of the water, gulps of it cascading down her strong arms. “I’ll get you a towel.” I watch her totter off toward the lodge and I’m fairly certain of what she wanted to say. I feel it too, but, perhaps for different reasons, I can’t say it either.