The Power of WOW

[Note: Numbers in parentheses below are the student’s personal ratings at the beginning of the semester.]

Natasha, MSA ’07
Home: Connecticut
Age: 32
Married 4 years
8-month-old daughter
Overall Grade: B
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: (7) 8
Feminine Confidence: (4) 6
Sexual Confidence: (4) 8
Social Confidence: (7) 7
Sensual Signatures
Scent: Jasmine
Style: Low-key sophisticated
Symbol: Orchid
Song: “Feeling Good” (Nina Simone)
Charisma: Smart

Moment of Truth: “I saw an old college boyfriend on the train. It was so nice to say hello to him feeling good about myself instead of feeling fat and pitiful!”

Natasha came to Stiletto U searching for post-baby sexy. Our goal was to help her redefine her sexy identity and reestablish a loving, fulfilling sex life based on her new family norm. As a working mom with an infant, Natasha had a hectic schedule, so we highlighted the specific areas where she really wanted to achieve results.

INDIVIDUAL WOW: CHANGING HER ATTITUDE

Natasha needed an attitude shift from “ugly, fat me” to “fabulous work in progress,” so she could move forward. Once Natasha stopped mourning her past appearance, her attitudes about her post-baby body began to soften and change. “I threw myself a pity party, and got my share of wallowing in the mud of misery. It actually got boring feeling like that, which was very liberating.” We also worked on creating a cost-effective, capsule uniform of well-fitting, basic pieces that complimented her body. Natasha let her signature style accessories be the highlights of this basic canvas while she downsized her body. This helped her feel stylish and sophisticated without wasting money. “Looking better has definitely made me feel better about myself. I don’t feel like hiding so much anymore.”

SOCIAL WOW: CHARMING HER MISTER

A busy working mother, Natasha knew she was putting her young marriage on the back burner, but didn’t have the time nor energy to give her husband the attention he deserved. Our goal was to get Natasha back in touch with the flirty wife she’d shelved to make room for baby. First, she began by clearing the baby clutter from her bedroom and creating a sensual sanctuary for herself and her husband. “Now it feels nice and fresh and energy is flowing there again.” Next, she worked on her EBS, brought on by fatigue and frustration. “I can be really short and impatient with him even though I know he’s trying. I’ve been concentrating more on improving my attitude and flexing my flirting muscles in some way everyday. I’m getting nice vibes in return and I’m enjoying my flirting moments with my sweetheart.”

SEXUAL WOW: REDEFINING SEX FOR HER RELATIONSHIP

By defining sex as broader than intercourse, Natasha and her husband stopped letting exhaustion keep them from being intimate and created opportunities to increase the closeness between them. “This took the pressure off and I realized that we could still be sexy and loving together, even when we were both too tired to do it. But the good thing I learned is that I still have a sex drive!!!”

“I’ve definitely changed. I am calmer and more accepting of myself. I don’t feel a sharp sense of dislike about my flaws and faults. In fact, I have a confidence now that they’ll be fading away as I embrace my desires for myself. I realize that I’m pretty happy again.”

PROFESSOR’S COMMENTS: By semester’s end, Natasha was definitely feeling happier and more content with her body image and was “back in the groove.” I am proud of her: finding your identity again after childbirth is no joke. The truth, as I see it, is that far too many women don’t fight to keep the me in Mommy, and instead give everything to their families, saving nothing for themselves.

The pity party proved to be a great incentive for Natasha to stop all the woe and whining and move on to the wow and redefining. Sometimes concentrating all your frustration into one weekend of self-serving misery makes you realize just how much time and energy you are wasting on accomplishing absolutely nothing!

Recognizing and acting on a potential issue before it became a problem, was a wise move on Natasha’s part. Changing her attitude was key to reinvigorating the romance in her relationship. Natasha and her husband were at first a bit skeptical about redefining sex to include “just” long passionate kisses goodnight, loving, sexy massages, and “active cuddling”—in other words, counting foreplay without intercourse as sex. What they happily learned was that after a week, sometimes two, of cuddle sex, by the time their energy levels and schedules permitted them to have full-on sex, it was explosive and exciting because of all the loving buildup!

WHAT SHE KNOWS NOW: Natasha graduated from SU having learned the important lesson that there would be many image-bending episodes in her life, and letting her physical appearance undermine her view of herself as a confident, sensual woman was a losing strategy and a recipe for disappointment and frustration.

WHERE SHE IS NOW: Unfortunately, Natasha could not be reached for an update.

GOOD GIRLS REALLY CAN BE SEXY TOO

—BRENN

Brenn, MSA ’07
Home: Massachusetts
Age: 38
Divorced
14-year-old daughter
Overall Grade: A
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: (10) 10
Feminine Confidence: (3) 10
Sexual Confidence: (2) 8
Social Confidence: (6) 10
Sensual Signatures
Scent: Black Orchid by Tom Ford
Style: Tailored
Symbol: Bamboo
Song: “Crazy Love” (Maxi Priest)
Charisma: Sexy

Moment of Truth: “When my daughter told me that I was so much warmer and cuddly, I knew I was different. That and one of my oldest friends said she noticed that I am no longer ‘apologizing’ for being me.”

What I Want Now: “To savor my experiences and to use what I know to work on not having to validate myself by being the good girl.”

Here are some of the goals Brenn worked on during her semester.

INDIVIDUAL WOW: SEPARATING HER SENSUALITY FROM HER SEXUALITY

Once she was given guidance, Brenn naturally flowed into sensuous living, and she quickly understood the added pleasure it gave to her life. Because it was such an issue, we concentrated on her sense of touch for the entire semester. Each night, Brenn would spend at least 10 minutes moisturizing her body, and record the physical and emotional sensations she experienced. Each week she would focus on a different part of her body, eventually concentrating on her erogenous zones, until she found pleasure instead of terror in her touch. “I’ve learned to savor and relish the little things. And finally I am able to touch and admire my body without hearing any of the negative things about my physical appearance that I was told as a child.”

SOCIAL WOW: EMBRACING HER SOCIAL SENSUALITY

With people she knew, Brenn had no problem socializing, but it was a different story with strangers, particularly men. Brenn attracted a lot of attention, but because she constantly questioned their motives, men were quickly dismissed. By concentrating on smiling and listening, Brenn learned to remain approachable while she got to know people. She was thus able to graciously evaluate their intentions, instead of immediately shutting down for fear of being judged and rejected. This was quite empowering for her. “I talk to people I don’t know now. I am accepting that I am attractive and it’s okay to be noticed. When men approach me, I am friendly and polite instead of my former self, cold and dismissive.” Determining her personal charisma was a key turning point for Brenn. “I kept telling myself that I belonged in the Smart Charisma but acted like more of a Cool Charisma. I did this for two days, but it still didn’t resonate. I was bawling by the time I admitted that I was really a Sexy Charisma and had suppressed it in every possible way.”

SEXUAL WOW: ACCEPTING HER SEXUAL SENSUALITY

Brenn began dating a man while enrolled in Stiletto U. This was helpful, as she could put her weekly class assignments and homework into action. She accessed her inner diva, Tasha. By stepping outside Brenn and letting Tasha take control, Brenn became bolder and more confident, and empowered herself by bringing into balance the sexy side of her identity she’d always denied and kept hidden. “Sex is still a work in progress, but I have definitely changed here as well. I had this amazing kissing session. I felt confident and in charge and really there, experiencing it all. All I intended and wanted was to kiss him, and that’s all I did. The old me would have had bad sex out of my warped sense of obligation.”

“I gave myself an A as my overall grade because I worked my butt off! But Stiletto U exceeded my expectations. I feel so completely in touch with my sensual side. I feel lighter. I touch more and am learning to laugh instead of merely showing my teeth.”

On her final exam, the woman who described herself as wearing a size 10 shoe now describes herself as “sexy, sexy, sexy.” She says, “I had almost become my grandmother, and adopted her values. The me that most people saw was really her. Now I would like to just be me, in every thought, decision, and action.”

PROFESSOR’S COMMENTS: I am so proud of Brenn because she put a lot of work into her SU assignments, and as a result, made astounding progress. She had to face a lot of demons, and she did so with grace and valor. Words are important to Brenn as an intellectual, and pulling her out of the lexis trap proved to be hard, but beneficial. The words savor and scandalous particularly resonated with her, and she was able to take them, define them for herself, and use them as affirming mantras and cues to particular ways of thinking or acting. Defining and using her inner diva, Tasha, to help her through difficult social situations also proved to be a huge help in moving Brenn forward toward her more sexually confident self.

WHAT SHE KNOWS NOW: The most important lesson Brenn learned, and is now trying to master, is that attempting to live her life through other people’s rules and expectations is frustrating at best, and crippling at worst. By discovering her true self and individual truth—that she could be smart and sexy, and that sex is a God-given gift and she its lucky recipient—Brenn was able to put aside her grandmother’s moral values and determine her own moral boundaries to live and love by.

WHERE SHE IS NOW: Brenn was still single and working on her sexual confidence when her semester ended. As we went to print, she had just ended a year long relationship. Brenn admits that the breakup did set her back and led to a sizable depression. “The sensuality lessons were instrumental in my recovery. I slept with the Stiletto U binder next to me for two weeks and would randomly read it when I couldn’t sleep. When I began to chastise myself, I read through it. That voice, my inner critic, is slowly fading.”

And while her relationship ended, a much stronger Brenn emerged to share her revelations. “It took him and the recent events to help me realize that I really, truly just want to be loved, warmly and fuzzily, that the love should come naturally and not require my talking myself into it. I get it now—you have to own the love you need. I know, now, how I want to love and be loved.”

SEXY AND NO LONGER ALONE

—VIRGINIA

Virginia, MSA ’07
Home: New Jersey
Age: 42
Divorced
Overall Grade: B
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: (8) 10+
Feminine Confidence: (7) 10+
Sexual Confidence: (6) 10+
Social Confidence: (7) 10+
Sensual Signatures
Scent: Nude by Bill Blass
Style: Fashionably chic
Symbol: The color green
Song: “Golden” (Jill Scott)
Charisma: Cute

Moment of Truth: “When I realized that I’m living the ‘I am …’ That I believed that I was fabulous, just the way I am. That is freedom.”

What I Want Now: “To work on the healthier ‘I am …’ I want to lose weight and find, as Oprah says, a career that I love so much I’d do it for free!”

“SU helped me figure out who I really was, not just who I thought I was. Now I live outwardly what I feel inwardly. What I ultimately learned was how to express myself and make the most out of my life, instead of waiting for a man to acknowledge me so I could start living.”

Touching base with who Virginia was beyond the surface charm was our main goal. Here are the highlights from her SU units.

INDIVIDUAL WOW: SYNCHRONIZING HER INNER AND OUTER SELVES

“I loved putting together my sensual signatures because they forced me to look at myself as a total package. When my co-workers started noticing my increased sensuality, I realized that I was finally letting the world see what I have always been feeling inside.”

A big “aha” moment came through one of the note-taking exercises, when Virginia realized that she’d been portraying the image of a chameleon, changing and adapting to the likes and dislikes of her partners. “I was seeking approval from whomever as long as it validated me. I’d taken bits and pieces from each failed relationship and was sending out vibes that were not the real me. I needed to find the real me.”

Virginia’s soul-searching during this unit brought startling revelations about how she perceived herself, and about her sorry dating record. “Yes, I knew how to be charming and aggressive, but could I hold a man’s attention or he hold mine? I realized that I saw myself as boring. I could speak to anyone about my work, but when it came to meeting men, I had nothing really interesting to say after the initial flirting.”

SOCIAL WOW: GOING DEEPER THAN INITIAL FLIRTATION

Virginia also worked hard to identify and investigate her passions outside of work. The more she pursued her own interests, the more interesting she became to herself and others around her. Finding her true self became a huge turning point in her ability to take her charm beyond the surface. “My perception of myself has improved tremendously! I’ve had a variety of conversations with men I didn’t even realize were interested in me, regarding other things besides work. I don’t feel boring or like I have nothing of importance to say.

“I realized that I’d spent most of my time talking and thinking about my failed relationships rather than myself and my own journey. This was a huge hurdle for me to jump, but now I feel that I am finally in control of my future.

“I’ve always been a social butterfly but now I am much more assertive in the way that I approach life. I’m more open to possibilities and am not focusing so much on the limitations that may arise. My co-workers notice that I am more open and I look for more opportunities to be out and engaged in life.”

While socially comfortable, Virginia had to work hard to become more assertive and open when it came to men. The more confident she became in her true self, the more comfortable she felt being in control of her dating life. “We made up this acronym—KTP, Keep the Power. It reminded me that I was not waiting for any man to judge or determine if he wanted to be with me, but I was the one with the power to decide that for myself. It worked!”

SEXUAL WOW: BEING SEXY ALL THE TIME

As Virginia’s feminine confidence began to gel into the real thing based on who she truly was at her core, she found a new surge in her sexual confidence as well. “I thought that good sex was a big mystery and something I couldn’t fulfill, but now I’m not so bound up by my hang-ups over sex. I’ve learned to ask and get what I want.

“During the past thirty days, I have fallen in love with myself and with life. Now I want to live life to the fullest and plan for the future I want to have. I was holding me back with negative thinking. I can do all that and still be a lady when I want to be, a sexy lover when I choose to be, and confident being both.”

PROFESSOR’S COMMENTS: Virginia came to Stiletto U with a high sense of self and a very positive attitude. She was definitely more charming than most, but it was more of a surface application than a trueness within. By getting in touch with her sensual core, she began to feel more able to define what she really wanted out of her life and a relationship. The positive reinforcement from her friends and co-workers only served to boost her confidence on all levels, including her sexual confidence. By the end of our semester, Virginia had begun dating a new man whom she met online.

WHAT SHE NOW KNOWS: By going beyond the surface and getting to know her true self, Virginia realized that she hadn’t been attracting the kind of man she sought, because she didn’t understand what she really wanted from herself. She’d been waiting for a relationship to fill the gaps in her personal journey, not understanding that her incomplete energy was attracting more of the same. In the past, when relationships hadn’t worked out, she thought something was wrong with them. She has now come to realize that by working to become the best woman and lover she could be, she would eventually attract the same.

WHERE SHE IS NOW: After earning her MSA from Stiletto University, Virginia went back to school and got her masters in psychology. She is still embracing the sensual lifestyle. “It helps clear my head and keeps me feeling positive about nearly everything.” The relationship Virginia had begun during her SU semester ended on a mutually agreeable note. “For the first time, I didn’t feel rejected. In fact, I’ve never felt this good about a break-up before.” As we went to print, she and her new boyfriend of over a year are going strong. “I am happy and in love and finally having the best sex of my entire life!”

TAKING BACK MY SEXY

—ANTOINETTE

Antoinette, MSA ’08
Home: Florida
Age: 52
Married 8 years
3 children under 12
Overall Grade: B
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: (6) 9
Feminine Confidence: (6) 8
Sexual Confidence: (4) 7
Social Confidence: (7) 9
Sensual Signatures
Scent: Christmas
Style: Laid-back funky
Symbol: Moon
Song: “Brick House” (Commodores)
Charisma: Cool

Moment of Truth: “When I realized that if I put my mind to it, I could lift my mood by changing the way I looked at things.”

What I Want Now: “To keep taking the initiative when it comes to sex and when it comes to everything else, just go along for the ride.”

When she came to SU, Antoinette, married to a man 12 years her junior, was two years into the aftermath of her husband’s affair, which had rocked her self-esteem and crushed her sexual confidence.

Upon her arrival at SU, she thought of herself as modest and voluptuous. By the time her final exam rolled around, she thought of herself as happy and sexy. “I love that I’m no longer feeling so closed off sexually. Feeling happy has made me feel attractive and appealing again.”

Taking her broken pieces and creating a whole was our main goal for Antoinette’s semester. Here are some of the highlights.

INDIVIDUAL WOW: REDISCOVERING HER SENSUOUS SIDE

Antoinette’s innate vibrancy had gotten lost under the stress of motherhood and a broken marriage. To get back in touch with her sensual world, she started reexploring it with her children by mindfully incorporating sensuality into their daily routine. “I really enjoyed this. The kids and I had a chance to hang out more and it made their regular chores more fun. Also, doing it like this didn’t encroach on our already busy schedule. I reopened my eyes to the world, kind of like seeing Christmas again through the eyes of the kids. I feel happier more often now.”

Creating her sensual signatures started in Antoinette’s closet. “Before I became a full-time stepmom, I’d always thought of myself as stylish, but kids really do make you look at yourself differently. I was now somebody’s mom and I felt the need to dress accordingly. Plus, having three kids and a job doesn’t leave you a lot of time to worry about being fashion forward, but comfortable and clean don’t equal fun and sexy.

SOCIAL WOW: REGAINING HER BUTTERFLY WINGS

Her husband’s infidelity had totally crushed Antoinette’s feminine and sexual confidence. She was feeling like the old lady for the first time in their relationship and was unsure if he still found her appealing. Antoinette found that learning and using the S.E.L.L. techniques was helpful in building up her feminine confidence both in and outside her home.

“For my midterm exam, I decided to go out by myself to a cocktail party at a business conference I was attending. I wore my favorite dress and heels, and me and my inner diva went downstairs. I took the list of cocktails and ordered a Green Tea martini. It was a real conversation starter. This very successful, attractive man came over to me and was openly flirting with me, and I flirted back. It felt great to open myself up to the attention of other men. Not in a ‘Come sleep with me’ way, but in a fun, friendly way. I went home feeling good about myself. Something clicked inside me and I felt like my sexy light had gone back on. I felt like I had some of my power back.”

During her midterm, Antoinette was reminded that keeping her charming self open and available didn’t mean that she was looking to be picked up, only that she enjoyed being curious and picking other people’s brains. “It was good to know that I could still hold an interesting conversation and that other men find me attractive.”

SEXUAL WOW: TAKING HER SEXY BACK

It is well documented that when it comes to sex, men are visually stimulated and women are more mentally turned on. So when her trust was broken by the man she loved, Antoinette’s head was no longer in the game. Her sex life with her husband had gone downhill considerably since his confession, both in frequency and quality, and Antoinette was unsure how to get her sexy back. “He was much more experienced than me, and my feelings of inadequacy only intensified after the affair.”

It was important for Antoinette to get in touch with her bad girl and break out of the modest mom role she’d been living. She decided to combine physical exercise with a stretching of her comfort zone and signed up for pole dancing. “I loved it! I never felt so sexy in my body.”

It was also vital that she sexually empower herself and restart her sex life on her own terms. But before doing so, she had to make two attitude readjustments. First, she needed to view her husband again without all the baggage by making a concerted effort to see the qualities about him that she fell in love with in the first place. “I took a positive survey and did regain more of an appreciation for him and the fun we used to have.” Next, Antoinette (along with her inner diva) took her S.E.L.L. techniques and applied them to her mate, which helped her acquire a second new mind-set: her husband as boy toy. This change of attitude helped build her confidence as a sexual being while creating a sense of mystery and anticipation for both of them. “I really loved the eye talking because I could say in my mind things I’d never say out loud, and that made me feel really sexy and powerful. And feeling that way made me act that way. He loved it and so did I.

“I thought my husband could read my mind and should know what I wanted or didn’t want. Now I realize that he can’t, and he shouldn’t, because if he can, it means that I’m staying the same and being predictable.

“This was an amazing experience for me. I feel empowered—I’m a grown and changed woman. I never want to be in that place again, and even though I’m not fully where I want to be, I am working to get there!”

PROFESSOR’S COMMENTS: Women who use all their womanly wiles to land the men of their dreams too often turn them off as soon as they put a ring on. Antoinette learned the hard way that shutting off her charm and sexual energy to the world inevitably led to shutting it down at home as well, which led to a multitude of unsavory feelings of frustration and rejection. Antoinette had allowed the balance of power between herself and her husband to shift to his side, giving him the ability to shut down her confidence and make her question her sexual relevance.

WHAT SHE KNOWS NOW: Antoinette learned that the only person capable of stripping away her sexual relevancy and feelings of sexual vibrancy is herself, and that her passion, just like her happiness, is not something that anyone else can create for her.

WHERE SHE IS NOW: Two years after completing her Stiletto University semester, Antoinette filed for divorce from her husband. “I really tried, but I realized that I was trying to save a marriage that no longer worked. Not only was the trust gone, but I was a different woman. Stiletto U really helped me sort out who I was and what I wanted. The first year was depressing, but now we’ve all adjusted to the new family dynamic, and I’m in a steady relationship with a wonderful man with whom I feel really good being myself. I definitely feel sexy again and I’m having a wonderful time!”

THE TRUTH IS SO MUCH SEXIER

—DINA

Dina, MSA ’08
Home: Michigan
Age: 35
Married 7 years
4-year-old twins
Overall Grade: A+/C-
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: (7) 8
Feminine Confidence: (4) 9
Sexual Confidence: (4) 6
Social Confidence: (7) 9
Sensual Signatures
Scent: Echo
Style: Comfort/funky
Symbol: Butterfly
Song: “Golden” (Jill Scott)
Charisma: Smart/humorous

Moment of Truth: “I am woman! No, really. I really believe that I am just more attractive. Not prettier. The inner happiness that I have is now apparent on my face.”

What I Want Now: “For this to be totally innate without feeling any guilt about being selfish for taking time for myself.”

Stiletto U became an eye-opening adventure for Dina, one she shared step by step with her husband and a few friends, which made the experience, though hard work, much more fun. As shocked and pleased as they were with her many changes, nobody was more surprised than Dina herself.

“I now see myself as sexy, smart and powerful. I’ve discovered my own innate femininity. My friends and family have absolutely noticed the change in me. I’ve actually been the victim of some ‘hateration!’ One night, we all went to a party and I was talking with a guy I’d never met before. My girlfriend came across the room, sat down between us, and started talking to him. I could tell the guy was like, What the hell? but I just got into a conversation with someone else. Later she told me that I already had a man and shouldn’t be hogging all the attention. LOLLL! Me, the eternal wallflower! I could really tell she wasn’t used to the ‘new’ me.”

Here are some of the highlights from Dina’s semester.

INDIVIDUAL WOW: TAKING HERSELF SERIOUSLY AS A WOMAN

This woman, whose attempt at being sensual when she started at Stiletto U was “Try not to be too musty at the end of the day,” was regularly indulging her love of spa treatments by the time she graduated. “I’m not a construction worker; I’m a woman, damn it! Now I make a much more conscious effort to make my surroundings pleasing to my eyes, ears, nose, and fingers.” Most importantly, Dina learned a valuable lesson that every woman, especially mothers, should practice regularly: put yourself on the list of people you take care of. “I have put myself higher on my priority list. If my hubby is running low on prime cuts of meat for dinner, but I need money to buy another bottle of my signature scent, guess who’s eating meatloaf!”

SOCIAL WOW: MIXING HER FUNNY WITH FEMININE CHARM

Dina always found it easy to converse with strangers, but since completing Stiletto U she’s engaging people on an entirely different level. “Before, it was easy for me to make someone laugh. Now it’s easy because I’m genuinely interested.” While she once thought that flirting was a great way “to get free stuff,” Dina now understands the power that comes with benevolent charm. “Being socially competent on this level is very empowering. I can change a person’s attitude.”

SEXUAL WOW: HONORING HER DESIRES AND THE TRUTH

This unit provided the most anxiety for Dina. After successfully completing the previous two units, her feminine and social confidence were running high, but now she had to confront her sex life and reveal to her husband that she’d been faking her sexual enjoyment and orgasms for years. From her lack of orgasm to feeling “kissing handicapped,” she needed to come clean, because she was cheating herself and her husband. Dina decided to include him as her “lab partner” and asked for his assistance in bringing out her sexy side, letting him know that he would have to endure some experimental kissing, touching, and sexual techniques. As we both suspected, he was happy to be supportive!

Each week, Dina and her husband worked on one aspect of their sex life. Taking the lead, she would experiment with various kisses, learning how she liked to kiss, and in turn teaching him how to kiss her. The same went for touching and caressing, and making love. The result was a huge increase in intimacy, passion, and pleasure between them, and an increase in Dina’s sexual confidence.

“I touch my hubby in passing more or just kiss him for no reason. I am aware of his senses and try to respond in a way that is pleasing to him. He has never been as interested and loves the change in me. He always wanted me to feel good about myself. The kissing is much better and I am definitely not as anxious about sex. We’re still working on the orgasm part, but it’s okay. It feels better and more honest now that he knows the truth.

“I gave myself an A plus as my overall grade because I worked my butt off, and a C minus because I know that this process in the bedroom will take time. My hubby’s ego is bruised, but I feel I at least have a starting point to repair some of the damage I’ve allowed to happen.”

On her final exam, the woman who had earlier described herself as overweight and bookish now described herself as “attractive and classy,” and she went from being just an accommodating lover to being a sensual one. “I didn’t realize how much I was thinking about everything but sex when I was having sex. Because I’m more in the present, I’ve become more responsive.

PROFESSOR’S COMMENTS: Dina was fun to work with because she was so dang funny, but lurking behind her self-disparaging jokes was real pain. Like most of us, she wanted to feel and look sexy, but because she didn’t fit the celebrity or advertising mold, she was convinced that being the wallflower and clown was her fate and didn’t even try. Dina donned an attitude of “If I can’t be sexy, I can still be smart” and stopped caring about her femininity and sexual self—because if she didn’t care, other people wouldn’t either. But she did care, and through her work at SU she unearthed a fabulous gem of a woman who is funny, smart, compassionate, and sexy as hell. When her perception about herself changed, so did the perceptions of those around her. What Dina was ultimately looking for was someone to give her permission to be herself. Through her work at SU, she realized that the only person who could do that was Dina, and once she learned that lesson, everything changed.

WHAT SHE KNOWS NOW: Hiding behind any personal strength, in Dina’s case her intelligence and humor, can often become a weakness detrimental to balanced, personal growth. She no longer has to fall back on her brain or jokes to deflect her insecurities or get noticed. She’s now feeling more centered and letting all her inner and outer beauty shine. Most importantly, Dina knows now that honestly communicating her needs, and asking her hubby to communicate his, was the most intimate and sexy boost she could give her marriage.

WHERE SHE IS NOW: “I am so happy! The biggest gift I gave myself since graduating from SU is giving myself permission to live the way I want without caring what other people think. Now I feel I am truly the woman that God intended me to be. I feel beautiful, interesting, and passionate about my family and my life. My marriage is so much better. I went from simply consenting to have sex to thinking about it all the time like a sixteen-year-old boy! My husband and I are talking, touching, and kissing more, and I don’t have to fake orgasms anymore! Yippee!!”

TOO FLY NOT TO BE SEXY

—JANINE

Janine, MSA ’08
Home: Pennsylvania
Age: 25
Single
Overall Grade: B+
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: (6) 8
Feminine Confidence: (6) 8
Sexual Confidence: (6) 8
Social Confidence: (5) 8
Sensual Signatures
Scent: L.A.M.B. by Gwen Stefani
Style: Girly glam
Symbol: Star
Song: “Whatever Lola Wants” (Sarah Vaughan)
Charisma: Cool

Moment of Truth: “When I was told, ‘You can’t be that woman if you can’t handle that woman.’ Those words allowed me to put both my fears and past experiences into context.”

What I Want Now: “Good health so I can continue to pursue the life I was meant to live.”

Janine, the young woman who entered Stiletto U calling herself shy, quiet, and loyal, left our virtual halls feeling charming, outgoing, and happy.

At 25, Janine, a beautiful girl by anyone’s standards, was understandably still in search of herself. Her crippling shyness and insecurities were keeping her cocooned within a safe but stagnant lifestyle and holding her back from exploring the world and her life to the fullest. Our main goal for Janine was to help her find the budding woman, designer, and lover within, and to build up her confidence enough to share them with the world.

Here are the highlights from Janine’s semester at SU.

INDIVIDUAL WOW: DISCOVERING HERSELF WITHIN HER SENSUAL WORLD

Getting in touch with her sensual world was a major revelation for Janine. “At first it was like I never had my eyes open before! Being more aware of my surroundings made me take pleasure in my everyday life. My favorite color is green, and I swear I never noticed how many shades there were in the trees before! Now I realize that slowing down does make life more enjoyable. I’m thinking about my sensuality less and doing it more.

“But it changed me too. I’m more relaxed and even have a better attitude at work. I just feel happier in general. Things that used to bother me don’t anymore. I have the choice to be grumpy or not. I decide not.”

SOCIAL WOW: FROM CATERPILLAR TO SOCIAL BUTTERFLY

Janine arrived at Stiletto U with real trust issues, positive that at the tender age of 25 she had all the friends she needed. “I never had girlfriends over to my apartment before. I didn’t like opening myself to being judged in any way. But now I’m not so afraid of being rejected, so I’ve stopped putting my guard up.”

The woman who usually ate lunch by herself in her office was now eating in the company cafeteria and meeting new people. “It feels good to be more social. My co-workers have noticed a real difference. Before, they never knew what to expect from me, but now we have real conversations. People are a lot more friendly to me now, because of the smiling—it’s so powerful.”

“I went to New York to an art exhibit by myself. I’ve never gone anywhere alone before—I always went places with a friend. It felt so good to be bold like that. I felt so comfortable. I actually got lost and wasn’t upset about it because I was enjoying myself and taking in everything. I would never have done that before.

SEXUAL WOW: TURNING SOCIAL CONFIDENCE INTO SEXUAL CONFIDENCE

Once Janine felt empowered in other areas of her life, bringing that confidence into the bedroom was her next goal. Janine’s relationship with sex was young and unfortunately tainted by a domineering first lover. The first thing we did was help her recycle her hurt and anger from her previous relationship into forgiveness and acceptance of herself and her new boyfriend. “I’m learning to block out all the negative voices and concentrate on who I am now.”

Youth and inexperience can be a scary combination when it comes to sex. On her entrance exam, Janine stated that she wanted to release her “inner sex kitten.” Instead, we helped her release her true sexy self.

“When I came to Stiletto U, I felt that sex was an obligation and something that happened to me. I didn’t feel I was contributing very much. And a big part of me was scared and ashamed to claim my desires. Now, with the added sensuality and confidence, I feel so much more powerful in my relationship. And I don’t feel that I have to know everything. It’s more like, Whatever happens, happens—but in a good way, because now I’m doing my part and we’re both having fun.

“I realized that I was creating so much stress for myself. Changing my attitude made my life so much easier. Petty things don’t bother me anymore. My overall grade was a B plus, and I gave myself eights across the board because that’s my new starting point. I’ve changed so much that it feels like a ten, but I know I still have room for improvement.”

PROFESSOR’S COMMENTS: We really unleashed the genie this time! Janine is definitely a more confident, vibrant young woman. Her confidence levels are through the roof. The woman who didn’t need any more friends is now traveling to New York by herself and making lunch dates with new acquaintances. The woman who was so afraid of failing that she didn’t try college has opened a bank account to save for tuition and is making concrete plans for her future. I loved working with Janine because, as any woman who’s made it past her thirties knows, the twenties can be hell on your feminine confidence. Helping her unearth her self-esteem and see the woman she is becoming at this tender age will go a long way in improving her life and self-image as she grows into full-fledged womanhood.

WHAT SHE KNOWS NOW: Janine learned that hiding your light for fear of rejection takes a huge toll on the quality of your life and personal growth, and that rejecting others before they can reject you is a classic from the “Way to end up unhappy and alone” playbook. By taking chances and letting people see who she is, Janine is well on the road to becoming who she wants to be.

WHERE SHE IS NOW: Janine is pursuing her dream of becoming a graphic artist and is currently enrolled in design classes. “I’d put my dream on hold for so long. By opening up and sharing it with others it became more real, and their encouragement helped me move forward.” She is currently single but says she is “finally feeling like I’m being me, and that there is a whole world out there waiting for me to discover.”

SEXY AT ANY WEIGHT

—CATHY

Cathy, MSA ’09
Home: Georgia
Age: 46
Single
Overall Grade: A-
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: (6) 8
Feminine Confidence: (2) 9
Sexual Confidence: (2) 2
Social Confidence: (6) 8
Sensual Signatures
Scent: Vanilla
Style: Comfortable casual
Symbol: Diamond
Song: “I’m Every Woman” (Whitney Houston)
Charisma: Power

Moment of Truth: “Realizing the power of a smile. People are smiling back and I feel more confident because I am not being rejected!”

What I Want Now: “To continue living and see what’s out there.”

On her final exam, when asked to describe herself as a flirt, Cathy, the woman who didn’t know what it meant to be womanly, replied with three words: I. Am. Able.

“How have I changed? Let’s see, I smile more, take time to consider what to wear. I am friendlier, more positive, feel better, and I learned that my sensuality adds another interesting layer to me. I’m pleased by the woman I am becoming.”

Here are some of the highlights from Cathy’s semester.

INDIVIDUAL WOW: DEFINING FEMININITY

Giving Cathy permission to define for herself what it meant to be a woman moved her from feeling like an outsider in the feminine sisterhood to feeling like one of the girls, but on her own terms. “Since completing the course, the thing I love most about me is that I can smile and be more girly and not be afraid of looking weak. I now live, breathe, and exude my femininity. The biggest thing is that I started caring again. I wasted so much time hiding and pretending that I didn’t.

“I’m taking time to think about what I’m wearing and how it will look, and people are noticing. This guy from work who never spoke to me at school made a comment about how good I looked. I was floored because he’d never said anything to me before. That was a real ego booster!”

SOCIAL WOW: SHARING HERSELF WITH OTHERS

Because Cathy was so afraid of rejection, she spent a lot of extra time on the S.E.L.L. Yourself lessons, learning to gift people with her smile and attention rather than expect anything from them. Once she took the pressure off herself, her fear of being rejected lessened, and the facade began to melt away, allowing the friendlier, softer Cathy to emerge.

“Smiling changed my life. The attention from strangers is most telling. People ask me to participate in more things because I’m more approachable. It’s really a shock that people are asking me to step out of my comfort zone more. I’m not sure I like it yet, because I feel more vulnerable, but I’m way out of the box! I hadn’t danced since I was ten years old, and now I’m liturgical dancing!

SEXUAL WOW: USING SENSUALITY TO PRODUCE SEXUAL ENERGY

Cathy had put her sexuality on the shelf for so long that she’d lost her craving for sex. Much of her work in this unit was geared toward slowly putting her back in touch with her sexual self through her sensuality.

“My most sensual experience while I was enrolled at Stiletto U was simple but still huge for me. I bought myself new sheets and wore a sexy nightgown instead of a T-shirt to bed. It felt great. I felt great, all by myself.

“I’m not in a relationship and sex is still not a part of my life, but it’s okay for right now. I still have work to do. I’ve always been afraid to be more aggressive sexually for fear of rejection, but I’m working up to it.

“I wasn’t sure about what I was capable of achieving when I started this, but now I have a better idea—a lot! I learned what to do with positive feedback and how to give positive feedback. I learned that what you say, do, and how you act comes back tenfold and it pays off huge to smile! Many things I always knew, but just never did. Stiletto U was an awesome reminder!”

PROFESSOR’S COMMENTS: Cathy came a long way during her semester at Stiletto U. It was amazing to watch her hard, icy exterior melt away, leaving behind a soft, warm, yet still powerful center. Cathy said it best: the key to her transformation was her beginning to care—care more about herself and her appearance, and less about what people might think about her weight. That change of attitude, in tandem with her decision to unleash her dynamic smile onto others, opened up the world to Cathy—a woman who went from describing herself as “funny and quirky” to “engaging and effervescent,” from “short and overpowering” to “smiling and getting better with time”! Cathy’s disposition changed a hundredfold when she began to feel accepted for being herself.

WHAT SHE KNOWS NOW: Cathy learned to take her innate kindness, compassion, and caring and gift others with it throughout the day. Instead of whining and waiting for others to notice her special qualities, she spent her time noticing theirs, and as she discovered, what goes around comes around! Oh yeah, benevolence is definitely sexy.

WHERE SHE IS NOW: Three years following her graduation, Cathy is still smiling with her eyes. “My life is fuller in a different way now. I’m happier. Everybody used to come before Cathy. No more.”

Soon after leaving SU, Cathy enrolled in a weight loss program. She lost some weight before deciding that as long as she was healthy, she was content just the way she was. “I feel good, and I’m still dressing better. I realized that when you care about yourself it changes everything.” Cathy is still single and living sensuously. “I’m putting my energy into living every day instead of waiting.”

WHEN SEXY HEALS

—GIGI

Gigi, MSA ’09
Home: Illinois
Age: 43
Single
Overall Grade: B
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: (4) 6
Feminine Confidence: (0) 2
Sexual Confidence: (0) 1
Social Confidence: (5) 6
Sensual Signatures
Scent: Lavender
Style: Simple elegance
Symbol: Lotus flower
Song: “I’m Beautiful” (Bette Midler)
Charisma: Smart

Moment of Truth: “Realizing that I now love the feeling of being hugged, especially by tall men, which makes me feel enveloped and snug.”

What I Want Now: “Inner peace in every moment. I still have a lot that turns in my head.”

Gigi had been sexually abused as a child and had lived her entire life immersed in anger, resentment and self-doubt. When she graduated from Stiletto University, she was clearly on a new life path.

“This has been nothing less than transformative. I came to this program scared and with pretty low expectations because of my resistance. The work we did was the spark that led to everything—from better relations at work, to an amazing performance at my commencement ceremony, to deep, deep inner healing work around forgiveness.”

Here are some of the highlights from Gigi’s semester.

INDIVIDUAL WOW: UNEARTHING HER SENSUALITY

This was a huge unit for Gigi because it was safe and the easiest for her to fully access without interruption by her demons. To her surprise, it also became her key to getting in touch with the beauty and joy existing in the world around her, and gave her a fresh perspective on her life. “This was my favorite part of the course. It was completely grounding and opened me up to a new world. I am now mindful of how glorious touch and smell, in particular, are. I just love the feel of different textures and sensations on my skin, and the smell of lavender that now infuses my home.”

When it came to her personal image, Gigi was starting from the ground up. She’d lived so long hiding and trying to remain invisible that she’d never associated clothing with personal style. Gigi started by going through the accessories she already owned, realizing she’d amassed a stunning collection of large, bold bracelets that she rarely wore. She decided to turn them into her signature accessory. Her simple but elegant look evolved throughout the semester, but the real turning point came in this unit when she realized that she’d stopped wearing formless attire and was now sporting figure-skimming clothing that accentuated her slimmeddown figure.

“I love feeling soft, silky clothes next to my body, and I now feel comfortable in my skin in a way I never have before. I feel satisfied with myself as I am. I was looking at someone who had hair of a texture and style that I once coveted. I tried to imagine myself with that hair and realized that I would look ridiculous, and now I wouldn’t trade, even if I could. People seem to think that I am regal and commanding in presence. I like how I look.”

SOCIAL WOW: REPLACING THE ANGER WITH APPROACHABILITY

After years of remaining socially inhibited, this unit was potentially quite difficult for Gigi. But the feedback she was receiving about her newfound image was helpful in boosting her social confidence. Two things Gigi worked very hard on were smiling with both her mouth and eyes and learning how to graciously receive compliments. “I don’t think I scowl as much anymore. I was at a church event and one woman came up to me and said she really liked my energy, and another commented on my ‘beaming’ smile. I didn’t realize that I was smiling so often.

“I love the eye talking; it has had the most resonance for me. I’d been walking around with dead eyes. It thrills me to enliven through my eyes. It makes such a difference in engaging and connecting with others.”

Just learning to smile more made Gigi much more approachable, which naturally led to others feeling more comfortable in her presence. “I now engage very easily in conversation with strangers, and I like the connection. With friends and family, I am just a nicer person overall, more genuinely interested in them and not as angry, so I don’t take it out on them.”

In addition to smiling and being more approachable, Gigi worked on her ability to receive compliments from other people, particularly men, as a gift and recognition of her inner and outer beauty. A huge turning point came for Gigi when she was walking down the street and a man, very respectfully, complimented her on her figure. She admitted to feeling uncomfortable, but not angry or resentful. This was a major breakthrough.

SEXUAL WOW: FREEING HER SEXUAL ENERGY

This was understandably the toughest unit for Gigi, and in fact, we reconfigured the lessons to accommodate her sensitivity to the subject. Instead of trying to make her feel more comfortable with sex or a sexy image she’d yet to see in herself, we worked to help Gigi unearth the natural sexual energy that had been deeply buried and intentionally ignored.

“I’d rate my comfort level with my emerging sexual self as a two out of ten. When it comes to thinking of myself as a sexual woman, the one thing that has changed about my viewpoint is that I can honor my anger, annoyance, and resentful feelings about it, and that’s a healthy start.

Defining herself as a woman was one of Gigi’s goals. On her final exam she made this statement about her most defining moment as a woman since beginning Stiletto U: “I was walking down the street feeling attractive, doing one of the exercises, imagining how I would feel or act if I looked the way I thought someone very sexy or attractive might look. It was great feeling like that and seeing people respond to it, but really, not caring how people responded because of how I felt.”

She adds, “Through this program, I woke up to appreciating and being more alive in the world, and that’s a gift worth its weight in gold! It has really helped to significantly transform the remainder of my life, and that’s no small thing.”

PROFESSOR’S COMMENTS: Gigi was my greatest challenge as a coach, and one of my most rewarding as well. There were many negative layers we had to work our way through. The thickest was her anger. Anger was the emotion she knew best and had made a truce of sorts with because it protected her. Getting through it was tough, but once she began, Gigi really made an effort to change her attitudes by exploring her sensuality. This was a perfect avenue for her because it was inherently safe and instantly gratifying. She slowly began to feel better about herself and became more willing to share her true self with others. More often than not, she walked away feeling confident and empowered, reinforcing the idea that being herself could never be wrong. As Gigi started letting herself get out and explore the woman she wanted to be, she felt happier, more vibrant, attractive, and lighter in spirit. With happiness taking a more dominant role in her emotional schematic, her anger and resentment lessened enough for her to make some important breakthroughs.

WHAT SHE KNOWS NOW: For a woman most of whose life was devoid of joy, Gigi learned and embraced the fact that pleasure is always accessible. It was just a matter of opening her eyes, ears, nose, mouth, hands, and heart, and reaching out to experience it.

WHERE SHE IS NOW: A few months after completing SU, Gigi felt confident and comfortable enough to drastically change her life. “I accepted a dream job that took me far away from home and my comfort zone. It was all very serendipitous. I feel happy and satisfied about my decision, and I’m still very mindful of my senses and have gotten really comfortable with my body. I’m not hiding it anymore. I’m still not in a relationship. That is an area where I have work to do, but I can see it now. Before, I never thought a relationship would be a part of my life, but it’s no longer a black cloud. It will happen when it’s right and that is a huge step for me. Stiletto U really opened a door of promise that I’m so happy I stepped through!”

STUDENT MIXER

RECONNECT WITH THE STILETTO U ALUMNI FOLLOWING GRADUATION

SEXY BABY MAMA

—NATASHA

GOOD GIRLS REALLY CAN BE SEXY TOO

—BRENN

SEXY AND NO LONGER ALONE

—VIRGINIA

TAKING BACK MY SEXY

—ANTOINETTE

THE TRUTH IS SO MUCH SEXIER

—DINA

TOO FLY NOT TO BE SEXY

—JANINE

SEXY AT ANY WEIGHT

—CATHY

WHEN SEXY HEALS

—GIGI

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE NOW ACCESSED “THE POWER OF WOW”