CHAPTER FOUR
SLL 104-SENSUOUS LIVING LABORATORY
This week you will put the lessons of the last two weeks into practice and solidify your newfound sense of individual sensuality.
LECTURE: So much to do, so little time. Feeling just a tad overwhelmed? The trick is to find ways to incorporate sensuality in your daily life, not see it as another thing to add to an already overloaded schedule. Even if you can start with just one thing a day, it’s still progress.
I REALIZED THAT…
“SU didn’t require any more time. It just meant utilizing what time I was already using in a different way.”
Gigi ’09
SENSUAL YOU RULES: Continue to apply one rule from the previous lessons each day this week, concentrating on the rule that most resonates with you.
SENSES : Did you notice which of your Fan Five was most dominant? This week, make a point of living through another one of your senses.
CLASS ASSIGNMENT: Meet God, joy, and yourself where you are, not where you want to be. Catch up on any assignments you didn’t get to or would like to repeat from the last two weeks. Begin the search for your sensual signatures.
NOTE-TAKING: Take time to record your thoughts and feelings about what you learned about yourself through your sensual world and individual sensuality lessons.
EXERCISE: Continue with three sets of 10 kegels, three times a day.
The Philosophy of WOW
THE PERFECTION OF IMPERFECTION
Despite millions of steadfast believers, the mythical goddess named Perfection, just like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, exists only in our imagination. In fact, far from being a goddess, the bitch is a green-eyed monster who has wreaked havoc on the minds of men and women, for ages.
The time, energy, and money we spend blindly pursuing an ideal that is not only unattainable, but in the end boring as hell, is mind boggling. I mean, really. If God had intended us to all look and behave the same way, do you think he would have hard wired self-expression, free will, and individual sensory experiences into our personalities?
The images we pursue are man-made and unrealistic, created to fool and entice us into the pursuit of retail happiness. By constantly stressing what is physically impossible to achieve naturally, businesses make us so insecure about our appearance that we’re willing to contribute $160 billion a year to the global beauty industry. In the U.S. alone, we spend over $12 billion a year for cosmetic surgery, $24 billion on skin care products, $14 billion on makeup, and over $30 billion on weight loss products. And after all those billions, we’re still no closer to that ideal of perfection.
In a New York Times article on celebrity endorsements, Eli Portnoy, a branding specialist, made the following statement: “The reality is, people want a piece of something they can’t be. They live vicariously through the products and services that those celebrities are tied to. Years from now, our descendents may look at us and say, ‘God, these were the most gullible people who ever lived.’”
It’s time to end living vicariously through other people and live your own life. So instead of changing your nose or your bust size or even your wrinkle cream, how about changing your view? Stop looking in the mirror and start gazing out the window. Because when it comes to defining your sensual self, you need only to take a peek outside to see how it’s done.
Mother Nature is one sexy weapon of mass seduction. She’s the true embodiment of the power of WOW, the first and most authentic diva sex symbol. She’s a woman who loves her incomparable attributes with no excuses and little compromise. She understands the perfection of imperfection. She recognizes the true beauty in individuality and the fact that one woman’s mole is another woman’s beauty mark.
SHOEBOX WISDOM
Confidence is Mother Nature’s push-up bra.
Forget pinning your dreams on the celebrity set. Watch and learn. Let Mother Nature be your ultimate mentor.
Does the desert whine about the meadows getting all the flowers? Does she endlessly complain about her barren landscape or dusty tumbleweeds? No. She says, “Love my sandy, cactus-strewn behind as it is because I’m hot.” She makes no apologies for her seemingly colorless terrain, but insists instead, “Find my beauty within or keep wasting your time trying to find that unattainable, perfect oasis. It’s a mirage, you know.”
Does the snowy femme make excuses for being cold and icy? No. She falls like snow, with gentle humility, and grins as you turn breathless with the exquisite hush of her bounty. Some player haters may call her frigid, but they’re often the first to slide down her slopes or find themselves lying spreadeagled on her glistening white bosom, gleefully making snow angels. Yeah, she’s one cool number, but you can’t help being in awe of the individuality of each of her flakes.
And does the rose whine, “I’d be a beautiful blossom if I didn’t have all these damn thorns?” No, she makes no excuses and knows you love her despite her bumpy stem, because you can’t keep your nose out of her gorgeous buds.
Take your cue from Mother Nature. Love your natural self in all your natural beauty. Make no excuses for your perceived imperfections. Become comfortable in your own skin—big butt, little boobs, cellulite, whatever. The reality is that you’re much more aware of your imperfections than those looking at you, and ultimately, you fret about them much more than anyone else—especially your lover.
Stop dwelling on your so-called flaws and begin to emphasize your best features—we all have two or three—with your inimitable style. Carry yourself with confidence and then dare the world not to find you, thorns and all, absolutely fabulous!
BRAND YOURSELF WITH YOUR SIGNATURE SENSUALITY
Most truly distinctive women take great pride in their individual sensuality and personal brand of WOW. They have, through trial and error and dedicated effort, honed a look and an air about them that is personal and memorable. It’s the little things they do or say or wear that make them stand out in a crowd. And because they aren’t trying to be like everyone else, being themselves can never be wrong.
SHOEBOX WISDOM
For one to be irreplaceable, one must always be different.
So how do you cultivate your own sensual signature style? At Stiletto University we start with a list of five sensual signatures that, every woman should own and make part of her everyday existence.
1. Signature scent
2. Signature symbol
3. Signature style
4. Signature sexies
5. Signature song
Every woman should have a signature scent. Finding a perfume you love and wearing it regularly (regularly being the key word) is an important step toward creating a memorable, sensual style. For you, it’s a quick way to lift your spirits and arouse your sensuality and confidence, while for the people who get near you, it’s a gentle indication of who you are; and for those who are interested, it’s a lingering memory of a woman they can’t forget.
SHOEBOX WISDOM
It [perfume] must be personal and lingering, not to be forgotten tomorrow. I want mine to say, “I have passed by, but here I still am.”
I generally wear two fragrances, depending on where I’m going and what mood I’m in. For daytime and casual wear, I spritz on my current favorite, L’Eau par Kenzo. It’s light and sexy and makes me feel flirty and playful. When I’m going formal or on occasions when I want to feel elegant and sophisticated, I wear Chanel No. 19. It makes me feel sensual and mysterious. I can feel my persona change when I have it on.
Notice I say that each fragrance makes me feel a particular way. Even though fragrance is mostly about your sense of smell, all your senses work together to inform your emotional state. And fragrance definitely has an effect on your mood and behavior.
Along with an unforgettable scentuality, you should have your own signature symbol or trademark icon. Companies brand their image with logos so consumers can pick them out in a crowd, so why shouldn’t you?
What exactly is a signature symbol? Think Mariah Carey’s butterfly. It is something you can see and touch that connects you with your sensual, true self, reminds you of the woman you are striving to be, and gives the rest of the world a hint of who you are. Lots of power packed into such a little thing.
Where do you find your signature symbol?
What I suggest is to try to identify a particular shape, color, animal, flower, or motif that you have always been drawn to. Maybe it’s a shoe or an orchid or a circle. Are you drawn to the moon, the ocean, a cloud, or an open eye? For me, it was the sun, mainly with faces.
For years, without really realizing it, I’ve been attracted to and collecting images of the sun on everything from vases to beach towels. When I designed my first business card, I unconsciously picked out a sun image as the logo. One day I was flipping through a book on dream symbols and came across the sun. After reading the definition, I was amazed by how much I felt it defined me and my outlook on life. Right there I adopted it as my official icon. I now wear it on charm bracelets and around my neck. It adorns my stationery and my office walls.
It never fails that someone notices and comments on my signature symbol, and it really does make me feel distinctive and warm. It is a constant reminder of the kind of woman I want to be: A woman who takes responsibility for making her own sunshine, and who is open and generous enough to allow others to bask in it as well. This knowledge of myself informs what I do and how I do it.
So think about the shape or symbol you’ve always been fascinated by. You don’t have to worry about what someone else tells you it means; just recognize the positive emotions it brings out in you and let those feelings influence the way you see yourself and behave. Define yourself for the rest of the world, and then let the world get to know and love the sensual woman within.
SHOEBOX WISDOM
Style is a simple way of saying complicated things.
Your wardrobe is definitely image defining. So every sensual woman should have her own signature style. Are you a fashionista or into the classics? Are you a girly girl or an earthy diva? Know your style preference and dress and accessorize to express it. Your clothes, shoes, and accessories should all work together to tell the world that you are a woman to be noticed and admired. This includes everything from a signature piece of jewelry to your signature lipstick color, fragrance, and cocktail.
The 19th-century fashion designer Lady Duff Gordon (queen of the slit skirt) once said, “Put even the plainest woman into a beautiful dress and she will try to live up to it.” I don’t disagree, but I feel the need to edit. Here’s my spin on her comment: “Put any woman in a look that makes her feel good about who she is, and she will not only change, but flourish, and that’s when her true beauty shines.”
But your signature style doesn’t begin with the visual image you present to the world. It starts with the very first pieces of clothing you pull on each morning—your signature sexies.
You should have your own signature look when it comes to your wardrobe down under, and even more than your outer clothing, your lingerie should make you feel lovely about being you. So often our outer wardrobe is dictated by the rules of our professional environment, but what you wear under your clothes speak volumes about how you see yourself as a woman. The conversation going on between your feminine psyche and your drawers can go two ways: 1) You identify and care about yourself as a woman, and sexy is who you are 24/7, not just when you’re putting it into action; and 2) Well, let’s just say it’s the opposite of number one.
What is your underwear saying about you?
Lingerie has unfortunately become an iconic part of the costume we don when we are trying to act hot and sexy. And it is a strict SU policy that one never wears anything, undies included, for anyone other than oneself. Wearing your signature sexies has nothing to do with seducing a lover (the ogles and happy smiles are just a fabulous side perk) and everything to do with seducing you into believing, accepting, and behaving like the sensuous creature you are. Your sexies become a gentle daily reminder of who you are at your feminine core.
I’ve always loved pretty underwear because of the way it makes me feel about myself. It doesn’t matter if I’m wearing a business suit, a cocktail dress, or sweats and a baggy old T-shirt, I’ve got on my signature sexies. They are my sexy secret and I wear them just for me. Anyone else I choose to share them with is simply a lucky beneficiary.
Now, before some of you get your knickers in a twist, understand that your signature sexies are no different from the other four sensual signatures you’re identifying to define yourself as a confident, sensual woman. Just like your heel height, your sexies should be comfortable and should speak to your personal style sensibilities. So maybe you’re a LaPerla girl, or Hanes for Her are more for you. Perhaps you connect to the look and feel of cotton, or maybe satin and lace are what get your eyes twinkling. Boy shorts or thongs, bikini or briefs, demi cup or sports bra—whatever your preference, just make sure your signature sexies are your brand of hot. Oh, and one very important point: don’t ever leave your pretty things languishing in the bureau drawer waiting for a special occasion. Every day you walk this earth is a special day! So dress accordingly!
Finally, when you step out dressed under and over in your signature style, have a song in your heart. The Marines have one. So do the Army, Navy, and Air Force. Sports teams, celebrities, and presidential candidates all have theirs. I’m talking about a signature fight song or theme song. What’s yours? What’s the song that picks you up, makes you stand taller and turns your walk into a golden gait? The song that the woman within relates to; the one that makes her feel invincible when she hears the first few notes. Not the mommy. Not the wife. Not the lover. But the woman. This is the song that gets your juices flowing, puts a twist to your lips, a swing in your hips, and dares the world to ignore you.
So there you have them, the five sensual signatures that every woman with her Master of the Sensual Arts degree should own. Let’s be clear. These are not items you save and bring out for special occasions. These are things you build your sensual persona around, the signatures people come to know you by. These are your personal touches that make you stand out in the crowd and mark you as a woman who knows and likes herself. You’re not trying to dress up and play at being a sensual woman—you are owning your matchless sensuality and therefore simply being irresistibly yourself. Each item on this list should remind you, first and foremost, that you are a confident, distinctive, sensual woman; and by default, the rest of the world will realize this too.
EMBRACE MS. CHANGE AND INVITE HER INTO YOUR LIFE
So, we’ve discussed the perfection of imperfection and the importance of branding yourself with your sensual signatures. Now the question must be asked: When was the last time you updated your look?
It’s always a great idea to embrace change and invite her into your life. It’s so very easy to get in a rut and let the familiar rule your life. The familiar is a known entity. It’s comfortable. Familiar is easy and safe. It’s what we know, and what for the most part has worked for years.
SHOEBOX WISDOM
Look your best. Who said love is blind?
But the familiar can also be stale. And boring. And a great place to hide. Often, what has been working for years no longer does, but it’s part of our comfort zone and we’d rather hang on to what we know than risk something we don’t. Keeping things the same holds us back from taking chances and venturing forth and finding out just how amazing the world is and what incredible women we have the potential to become.
I am a true believer in periodic makeovers. Just as there is a necessity for the occasional attitude readjustment, every woman needs to undergo a style makeover now and again.
Your outer appearance is your calling card to the world and should reflect your most current inner self. If it doesn’t, ask yourself why not. Do the two not match because you’re hiding what’s inside for fear of rejection, or do you not know the femme within? Are you allowing someone else in your life to dictate your first impression?
Our faces and figures change as time tiptoes on. What flattered the former you years ago probably doesn’t do justice to the present you. If you haven’t changed your look in years, it’s time for an update. Here are a three makeover tips to get you going.
1. Work on your five sensual signatures. This will help ensure that your finished makeover is authentically you and not based on some celebrity ideal or fashion trend.
2. Decide what you want. Just wanting to “look better” is too general and can easily become an exercise in frustration. Divide your makeover goals into doable steps so you can prioritize your transformation and make it a happier, more manageable task.
3. Start with the fast four: hair, makeup, teeth whitening, and posture. These are generally budgetfriendly items and the results are quick and encouraging. Start with these so you already feel fresh and fantastic as you work on other more time-consuming or costly things like diet and wardrobe.
▶
HAIR: Before you hit the salon, have an idea of what you hope to achieve. Look at photos of celebrities with similarly shaped faces, or go to a wig shop or websites like
InStyle magazine’s virtual makeover (
www.instyle.com/instyle/makeover), where you can upload your photo and try on several hairstyles.
▶ MAKEUP: Sephora, MAC stores, and other cosmetic companies do in-store makeovers (some are complimentary). Let them show you a new, contemporary color palette to flatter your skin tone and bring out your most amazing facial feature.
▶ TEETH: Crest Whitestrips are a cost-effective way to get your smile bright and ready to showcase with a new lip color (certain lip colors can also make your teeth appear whiter). Of course, a bleached smile does not replace healthy gums and teeth. See your dentist regularly and brush and floss between appointments.
▶ POSTURE: Want to look like you’ve lost weight? Stand up straight. Practice standing tall with your shoulders back and your stomach pulled in. You’ll be amazed at the instant lift to both your body and your self-esteem. It takes a while to train your core muscles, so when you feel yourself slouching, remind yourself to stand up straight and smile!
Change begets growth, and isn’t that our ultimate job in life—to grow? So invite Ms. Change into your life—and grow into a stunning new version of you.
I REALIZED THAT…
“When you care about yourself it changes everything.”
Cathy ’09
