CHAPTER FIVE
CF 105-INTRODUCTION TO CHARM AND FLIRTING
Whether in the bar, the boardroom, or the bedroom, every woman with her WOW should know how to charm and to “sell” herself—in a room full of strangers or alone with her beloved. Flirting is one of the great joys of being a woman. It puts the fizz in our social encounters and opens the door to countless opportunities to learn about our world and fall in love with the people who inhabit it. Sincere charm can change people’s attitudes, turn a crisis into a comedy, and lighten the hearts that touch ours. And with practice, we can all be good at flirting. Yes, even you! I promise you, it’s not as frightening as your imagination or past experiences have left you believing. Okay, I’m sure you noticed by now that I use the words charm and flirting interchangeably. I do this for two reasons: First, because many women, particularly married women, get caught deep in the lexis trap when it comes to the word flirt or flirting, and “to charm” or “to be a charmer” has less of a negative feel to them. Secondly, I interchange the words freely because, in all the right ways, to flirt is to charm. So before we go on, let’s look at some of your feelings on the matter.
SHOEBOX WISDOM
Truth is a great flirt.
Questions 10 through 13 on your entrance exam were all about judging yourself as a charmer. Question 10 asked you to list three words to describe a woman who flirts. What were yours? Were they negative or positive?
Which side of the trap you fall on tells you a lot about why you are successful or unsuccessful at flirting. It’s been my experience that descriptive words for a woman who flirts fall into two camps: 1) whore, loose, user, devious, gold digger, bimbo, etc. 2) friendly, outgoing, confident, fun, popular. I know, quite a disparity.
Question 11 asked what you personally thought about flirting. Well? Is it a good thing? Do you find it easy to flirt with strangers? What rating did you give yourself as a charmer?
The reason why women don’t like to flirt or feel they aren’t good at it is usually the same. Their excuses may be different, but it all boils down to the same thing: fear of rejection. And how in the world can anyone disagree? You are putting yourself out there to be judged, using covert and overt tactics to attract attention and make someone interested in you, to get them to see value in getting to know you better—how can you not be scared out of your newly acquired signature sexies?! So yes, with that mind-set, you have every right to be too scared to enjoy the idea of getting your flirt on.
SHOEBOX WISDOM
The basic thing which contributes to charm is the ability to forget oneself and be engrossed in other people.
Women who do like to charm and are good at it aren’t necessarily any better looking than you, and they don’t have better wardrobes or more to offer than you do. They just know the secret behind successful flirting: Flirting is a benevolent act. It is a gift of your time, appreciation, and interest that you give to others with no need, agenda, or desire to impress or win them over. And when you aren’t looking to get anything, there is no reason to fear being rejected!
I love flirting. Flirting to me is as natural as breathing. I love to flirt because it makes me feel good. And powerful. And positive. Sometimes flirting makes me feel sexy, beautiful, and still relevant despite the fact that I am no longer in my physical prime. I flirt with people from all walks of life. I flirt with men, women, children, and animals. I flirt with strangers and friends alike, because the best part about flirting is knowing that I am making another person feel good about being who they are. In return, they make me feel good about being me. It’s win–win for everybody!
And single ladies, what a man remembers is that he left feeling good about himself and you were the one who made him feel that way. All you wives out there who forgot, lost, or turned in your flirt card after you said, “I do”: You need to pull that card out and dust it off.
SHOEBOX WISDOM
No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.
Many married women feel that innocent flirting with other men is a taboo activity left to single women. But what’s really sad is that they even stop flirting with their mister. So let’s flip the script and replace the word flirting, with all its hussy baggage, with the word charm, as in charming your mister.
It’s not unusual for a woman to flirt in order to attract her man and then gradually dismiss her charming side as time, kids, and familiarity take over. But every woman should keep her sensual, charming self active and alive, both with her husband and others. Why? Here are three great reasons:
1. To maintain your sexual relevance as time goes by. Age is no longer a threat to your sexual confidence.
2. Because sexual confidence gives you a sense of control over your own destiny. No more thinking, No other man will ever want me.
3. To avoid the “intimacy” leak that siphons off marital passions.
Flirting with your husband is a crucial part of a married woman’s arsenal. Flirting helps keep romance and playfulness alive in your marriage. It should not stop at the altar, nor should it stop at your 25th wedding anniversary.
Oh, and the best part, aside from making other people feel good about themselves? The happy fallout from being friendly and positive is that good things do come your way. I’ve gotten out of traffic tickets, been upgraded from an inside cabin to a suite on a cruise ship, and to first class on an airplane. I’ve drunk my fair share of complimentary beverages and meals, and I’ve come out on top at job interviews. But by being charming I’ve also met people who helped me professionally, who introduced me to others with skills and services I was in need of. I’ve met people who have become lifelong friends and others who were meant to be in my life for just a short time. And many times, flirting brought me in touch with people who needed me and my skills.
So, back to my original statement. With practice, we can all be good at flirting. Lead with your natural charisma, and unleash your own charm offensive.
EXAM
Just what kind of charmer are you? Here’s a quick test to help you determine your natural flirting style.
1) What’s your most important flirting tool?
a. Your body.
b. Your personality.
c. Your smile.
d. Not sure if you have one.
2. The last touch you add before leaving for a party is: a. Glossy lipstick that draws attention to your mouth.
b. A funky, quirky handbag.
c. A charm bracelet that sparkles and jingles when you gesture.
d. A breath mint.
3. You see a man you’d like to meet. You: a. Sit where he can see and enjoy your come-hither eye contact.
b. Pass him a joke sans punch line, with the suggestion that he come over to hear the rest.
c. Have a friend go tell him you’d like to meet him.
d. Wait until he leaves and ask a friend later who the person was.
4. You and your lover are sitting across from each other at dinner. He is seductively maintaining eye contact. What do you do?
a. Immediately ask for the check and get to a private place ASAP.
b. Hold his gaze and seduce him right back before playfully sticking out your tongue.
c. Stare back for a while, smile seductively to let him know you’re feeling him, and then look away.
d. Start talking so he’ll stop staring. All that gawking is uncomfortable.
5. A man offers to buy you a drink. You ask for: a. A Sex on the Beach.
b. The same beer he’s having.
c. Wine—it’s flirty and sophisticated, but not too showy.
d. Tell him no thanks, and buy your own. You don’t want to owe anyone anything.
Add it up. How many:
A’s_____ B’s_____ C’s_____ D’s_____
THE FLIRT FACTOR: YOUR FLIRTING STYLE
SEXY FLIRT (Mostly A’s): You’re a woman who sees what she wants and takes it. You’ve got all the right tools in your bag of tricks, and you know the signs and signals to attract what you want when you want it. In the right dose, you are pure power. Be careful about taking your sexy flirtation too far. Being too sexually overt can cause a multitude of things to occur; you can embarrass yourself, make other women dislike you, and make promises you don’t intend to keep.
AMUSING FLIRT (Mostly B’s): Your allure is your quick wit and wicked sense of humor. You can feel at home in a sports bar or at a poker game. You entice a man by making him feel comfortable around you. And though your “buddy” approach is less direct than those of other women, it can be just as disarming. By not playing the games other girls play, you lower his guard, and before he knows it, he’s hooked. But watch that you don’t become one of the boys. Find ways to let him know there is a lusty woman behind the ponytail.
CUTE FLIRT (Mostly C’s): You’ve got a sparkle about you that attracts attention as soon as you enter a room, but you prefer not to be too aggressive when you meet a man who interests you. Instead, you tend to take the subtler approach to your seduction, letting him know you’re interested, but letting him initiate the pursuit. With this light approach, know exactly what you want so your feelings are clear to him, or some other devastating diva might walk off with your man.
FLIRTING FLOP (Mostly D’s): You’re flirtability quotient is dangerously low. Lack of confidence may be the enemy lurking within. Remember: Flirting is a benevolent act. Concentrate on making people in your presence feel special, and it’s goodbye rejection, hello charming you! Feel your confidence soar as your charm begins to disarm those around you. Now get out there and practice. You’ll be successfully flirting in no time.
