This week you will put the lessons of the last two weeks into practice and solidify your newfound sense of social sensuality.

LECTURE: The ability to charm and disarm is a priceless skill, useful in myriad situations. The trick is to lose your fear of rejection and the worry that you are being judged. In this unit, we’ve worked on incorporating charm into your daily life, and incorporating everyone you encounter, not just those you are interested in.

PROFESSOR’S NOTES

Flirting is a benevolent act. This you now know. You also know that you won’t be interested in every man who crosses your rose-petal path, and neither will every man be interested in you. With this in mind, it’s important for you to have a gentle, friendly exit line for those who don’t spark your interest, but who gift you with their attention.

Mine?

“My husband really hates when I date, but thanks so much. You’ve made an old married lady very happy tonight.”

Delivered, of course, with a killer smile!

EVIL BITCH SYNDROME: There is a saying I remember from my youth, “Check yourself before you wreck yourself.” Sage advice. Look at some of your important relationships and see how bad you’re suffering from EBS. The cure: Smile, be in touch with your Fan Five, and let positivity reign.

S.E.L.L. YOURSELF: Make a real effort to incorporate your S.E.L.L. techniques in all your daily interactions. Practice on the guy at the gas station, your child’s teacher, a coworker, a stranger on the street, or your spouse and family.

CLASS ASSIGNMENT: Discover and revel in your ability to touch and brighten someone else’s life just by sharing your charming self with them. Gift the people you encounter with a smile, a compliment, or a silent wish for love and light. When you are in giving mode, it is impossible to look, feel, or act evil.

Catch up on any assignments you didn’t get to or would like to repeat from the last two weeks. Continue to revel in your sensual world through your Fantabulous Five, and work on putting your Sensual Signatures in place.

I REALIZED THAT…

“Just making small changes like taking better care of myself, dressing for my body, and wearing matching undies has made a huge difference. I have more good days now than bad days. My husband is now happy that I’m happy.”

Lauren ’08

NOTE-TAKING : Take time to record your thoughts and feelings about what you learned this week about yourself through your social world and living sensuously.

EXERCISE: Bump up your kegels to three sets of 15 kegels, three times a day.

MIDTERM EXAM: This weekend’s date/event is your practical midterm exam. It’s time to mark your progress. Journal your thoughts, delights, and doubts about how things went.

Extra Credit:

TURN ON THE WOW MOVIE SUGGESTIONS

Here are two more favorite selections from the Stiletto University movie vault. These two present the social sensuality concepts you’ve been working on in this unit in an Eastmeets-West show of feminine confidence. Pass the popcorn!

THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR. I like both versions, the classic and the remake, but I am particularly drawn to the Pierce Brosnan and Renee Russo version (the remake). This is a sexy cat-and-mouse game that showcases a strong, confident, sexy woman of a certain age who still remains vulnerable and feminine. The soundtrack is awesome and the love scene in the entry and study is truly inspirational!

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA. This film is a visually stunning adaptation of the best-selling book and is luxurious, ethereal and intoxicating. And to top it off, it has many lessons to teach about enticement and the power of seduction. The scene where Sayuri is taught how to stop a man in his tracks with one look is priceless and proves that true charm is indeed an international affair.

The Philosophy of WOW

LOSE THE MOTH MENTALITY, LIGHT YOUR FLAME

I’ve always had a motto about men. Simply put, “Let them be the moths; I am the flame.” As I look back and try to figure out when and where this notion got planted in my head, I can only come up with my parents. I mean, they never said such a thing, but their rules ultimately shaped my thoughts and actions.

I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 (couldn’t even have phone calls from boys until I was 15), so aggressively pursuing a boy or even looking for a boyfriend was a moot point. Of course, I was too mortified to tell boys that my house rules were so strict, so I developed a knack for turning them down nicely and went about the business of developing my own interests. In the process, I also developed an air of friendly nonchalance that apparently proved to be intriguing.

Despite the fact that I thought my parents were brutally unkind, now I see that I actually learned three valuable lessons in those early years: 1) boys like a bit of a chase; 2) staying busy doing my own thing—whether work or play—was a good thing because having my own life and interests is an important part of any relationship; and 3) boys will always find you, especially when you’re not looking.

So be the flame.

Being the flame gives you a very positive attitude to wrap your mind around. (And we all know, where your mind goes, your butt follows.) Flame glows. Flame attracts. Flame lights the way and warms the path. Flame welcomes and mesmerizes. Flame is white hot!

Be the flame, because when you’re the moth, you simply become one of several flitting around someone else’s light, waiting and hoping that you’ll get noticed (and increasing your chances of getting burned). When you’re the moth, you give the flame the power to pick and choose; to validate and make you feel attractive and wanted. Bump that—Be the flame!

I know, easier said than done. Well, let’s talk about a few ways to make sure your flame burns big and bright enough to attract the moths with the right stuff.

1. Change your attitude, change your life. Stop living with the moth mentality and let your light shine. Stop believing that basking in the light of some man’s flame will make you happy, and start tending to your flame. Building and basking in a secure, self-confident fire within is the secret to your happiness.

2. Work to make your flame a beacon of welcoming light and warmth—not a fire hazard. We are so worried about how lovable we are that we don’t stop to consider the quality of the love we give.

3. Stop being a hater. Instead of player hatin’, look, listen, and learn from the flames around you. Bring these admirable qualities out in yourself and watch as your flame gets brighter.

4. Work on your signature, sensual style to make your flame exceptional and individual while enhancing your best qualities and letting your perceived flaws go up in smoke.

5. Stop believing that only certain moths should be attracted to your light. Don’t limit your options with some small-minded list of flame-retardant choices. The moth you turn away because his wings aren’t the right color or his cocoon isn’t big enough may just be the moth of your dreams. And even if he’s not the ultimate moth, he may be there to teach you the lesson that will help draw Mr. Right to your flame.

So I repeat: Be the flame.

FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES: WHAT MEN REALLY WANT

Time and time again, men quoted in articles about what they are looking for in a woman say the same thing: they want women who like themselves, who are comfortable and easy to be around, who know what they want sexually, and who appreciate their bodies. In other words, men are drawn to confident women who like and value themselves.

FROM AN ULTIMATE BABE

“Sense of humor is number one for me,” George Clooney told People magazine in 2006 when asked what he looks for in a woman.

With this in mind, I decided to share some of the interviews I did with several men of different ages, races, economic and marital statuses, asking what attracted them to certain women. I think you’ll be as interested as I was to hear their views. Their answers proved to be enlightened and amazingly quite similar. For the record, all the men mentioned, in some form or another, desire that a woman be “attractive” but each had a different idea of what that was. Also, the qualities beyond looks that they mentioned most often were brains, energy, humor, and spirituality.

Be clear, I’m not going through the exercise of what men want so you can change and adjust to their desires, but so you can see that you already possess what men say they want; it simply needs to be fluffed and shared.

1. WHAT ABOUT A PARTICULAR WOMAN WHO WALKS INTO THE ROOM DO YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE, AND WHAT COMMANDS YOUR ATTENTION?

Steve, 45: It’s an impression, a vibe. Obvious beauty, of course, is a factor, but I can be moved by the not so obvious, the signals and energy that are given off as she enters the room. Joe, 59: For me, sensuality is the spark. I can look at a woman and the way she is groomed, really her attitude toward her dressing, catches my eye. That and mysterious confidence. She’ll walk into a room, know she’s being checked out, but waits to make eye contact. Doug, 26: A woman with a confident demeanor. Someone who’s not afraid to get out on the dance floor and have fun, but not a freak either, a lady with a little bit of a wild side. But you get all that from everything about her—walk, talk, dress, who she is with, what drink she orders, how she orders it, etc. You just have to assess well. Ted, 39: A soft smile. Her confidence. The way she walks. God-given hair that can be styled in different ways. What she wears and how she wears it. How she innocently but strategically shows off her best attributes. Matt, 50: Her style, her energy. It’s really about the way a woman carries herself, because style and energy will supersede age and looks.

2. WHAT DO YOU FIND SEXY ABOUT A WOMAN?

Ken, 39: Brains. There is nothing less sexy than striking up a conversation with someone who has no discernible position on why we are in Afghanistan. Peter, 25: When she makes me laugh. If a girl is a bit of a goof, it’s really hot to me. Giuseppe, 56: Passion is what makes a woman sexy. The body may not be perfect, the face more interesting than beautiful, but if a woman has charm, then I want to know her. David, 32: A sense of humor and spirituality that matches mine is sexy. Joe: Doe eyes, well-manicured hands and feet, subtle imperfections such as a mole on her lower lip or neck. Matt: A woman who communicates that she has a sexual appetite and sexual energy in a subtle way that lets you know she’s no freak but she’s no lady either. Doug: When my jaw drops while she is wearing flip-flops, sweatpants, a sports bra, and a hat. Anyone can look good dressed up, but if you can get my attention while you are bumming it—then you must be a keeper. Steve: How she carries herself, the kind of signals she sends to me that she’s interested, and how she engages with those around her.

3. HOW IMPORTANT IS THE PHYSICAL?

Ken: Physical appearance is very important. I dated several women who I didn’t feel were “pretty enough” to show to my friends. Then one day one of my friends was telling me about his new girl and he said, “You’re not going to like her—she’s not a beauty queen.” And then I asked him when was the last time either of us was in the company of a beauty queen, and we both realized that we ought to start worrying more about what we liked about a girl than what our friends liked. Ted: Very important. It’s what catches the eye and stirs the imagination to wonder. Steve: Looks are important but they’re part of a dynamic that is complemented by communication. Joe: Physical is not important if she knows how to work with what she has. If she’s self-conscious about certain physical parts of her body and it shows, that’s a turn-off. Matt: If she has other things to compensate for the physical—things like wit, intellect, humor, energy, and good conversation, the physical isn’t so important, but if she is attractive and has none of the other things, it [the physical] matters even less.

4. WHAT’S THE ONE THING THAT WILL WIN YOU OVER EVERY TIME?

David: If she has matching or complementing qualities that I wish I had. So if I’m at a point in my life that I want to be more organized, and I meet a girl who has her whole life in cute little folders and filing cabinets, wow, that’s hot! Marc, 36: The way she carries herself—her vibe. And if she is comfortable within her own skin in any environment. Joe: Intelligence, wit, sense of humor, and a great smile. Doug: Gets me every time—that little smirk from across the room to say “Hello.” Even if I have been with a girl for years, that will always make me smile. Giuseppe: Eyes that smile at me and tell me what she is really thinking. Matt: If she exudes life-force and sexual energy. That tells me she is into life and is a positive person instead of a complainer. I like a little aggressiveness—enough to tell me that she’s independent and not trying to sap my energy. Ted: The combination of her lips, eyes, and smile. Vic, 47: A woman who’s loving, generous, honest, and loves to look as beautiful as she feels inside. (And, of course, hot sweaty sex whenever we can get it. LOL!)

Interesting, yes?

HOW GOOD IS YOUR LOVE?

Whenever I give a workshop, I ask the audience, “Who here thinks they are a good lover?” Of course, nearly every woman in the room raises her hand, often with a nervous chuckle, because, hey, who doesn’t want to believe that they can drop it like it’s hot. But when I ask how many are great lovers outside the bedroom, with all their clothes on and various body parts in their proper places, suddenly they’re not so sure. Because after all, if they were indeed good lovers, wouldn’t they have a man? Wouldn’t their marriages feel more intimate? Wouldn’t they feel better about themselves in and out of bed?

You know, much of the work of writing a book comes way before you ever sit down to type the words “Once upon a time.” The same is true of creating a great love life. Much of the work of being a memorable lover begins way before you ever hit the sheets. And it all begins with your attitude about love.

When it comes to love, too many of us are satisfied simply experiencing love as a state of mind. We allow love to dwell in our hearts and heads, and we fuel this emotion with love songs, poems, and romance novels. We extend our feelings to only those “lovers” we deem acceptable and worthy—spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends—and exclude those who don’t fit neatly into our heart-shaped box.

Expand your loving state of mind and make it your quest to exist in a loving state of being. Extend the boundaries of your acceptable “lovers” and fill your world, not just your mind, with loving thoughts and actions. A smile, a thought, a good deed toward a stranger is a good way to start. Be a friend instead of a competitor. Accept and return a compliment with a genuine smile. Ask not what your lover can do for you; ask what you can do for your lover.

I truly believe in the quest of falling in love as much as I possibly can. This has meant redefining my idea of what falling in love means. I’ve expanded my idea from “lifelong partnership” to include any relationship, whether it lasts five minutes, five days, or 50 years, that captures my attention through my heart as well as my head. What I’ve learned is that it’s the short little “love affairs” that keep my heart stimulated and my loving energy constantly engaged.

The only way to receive love is to give it. The only way to be blessed with quality love is to offer quality love in return. So just don’t crave it, live love. Because, ultimately, it’s not always about who you love, but rather do you love.