The Power of WOW

Welcome to WOW Power: Bringing Sexy Back. The semester is almost over, and if you’ve been building on each week’s lessons, you should be feeling more alive, powerful, and content in your own skin. This week, we begin to take the next steps toward boosting your sexual empowerment by reconnecting your sensual and sexual selves. It’s time to take what you’ve learned and explore your Sexual WOW.

LECTURE: What is sexy? To be sexy is the secret wish of the majority of women all over the world. But have you ever really defined sexy—the word, look, and attitude—for yourself, or have you done what most do and let others define it for you? And then, based on this definition, tried in vain to fit into a mental and physical definition that doesn’t come close to the reality of your life (not to mention your body)? Out of frustration and a sense of failure, you turn to the books of secrets and techniques that fill the bookshelves, only to find that they might help you get through the night but not through your life. Why? Because most show you the secrets of acting like a sex kitten, a red-hot mama, or a bombshell, but they don’t show you how to actually become one—particularly one who is comfortable and confident in her own skin.

PROFESSOR’S NOTES

There is no cutoff point to being sexy. No age, body shape, weight, height, hair length or bank balance dictates sexy. Why?

Because sexy is as sexy does.

Kindness is sexy. Laughter is sexy. Realness is sexy. Humor is sexy. Bold is sexy. Soft is sexy. Menopause is sexy. Safe is sexy. Truth is sexy. Confidence is way sexy. Individualism is sexy. Compassion is sexy. Mystery is sexy. Fairness is sexy. Intellect is sexy. Naturalness is sexy. Motherhood is sexy. Celibacy is sexy. Loving God is sexy. Loving yourself is the sexiest!

The truth is that sexy is not uniform. Sexy is an outward expression of your inner feminine confidence. Sexy is an attitude. It’s not a style or a cup size. You can’t wear someone else’s label of who you should be and expect to feel authentic and empowered. And neither is sexy a costume you pull on to play some seductress role. True sexy is your sexy—fluffed and shaped in any form you choose.

DAILY FIELD TRIP: On your 20- to 60-minute walk today, take a moment to notice all the different versions of sexy around you. How do men and women, or things (yes, things can be sexy—think high heel vs sneaker) stand apart in their attractiveness? Consider what makes them sexy beyond the obvious.

CLASS ASSIGNMENT: Today is about releasing your sexy attitude for no other reason than because that’s who you are. This is not about trying to attract anyone or even pump yourself up to have sex. The goal is to simply be sexy all day because, I’ll say it again, that’s who you are. Interesting assignment, I know. Here are some tips to get you started.

DRESS SEXY TODAY AND EVERY DAY: Don’t wait for date night to look like the hot, sensual woman you are, because that’s about putting on a costume and not being you. Dressing sexy is not about revealing and inappropriate clothing that draws attention to yourself for all the wrong reasons. It’s not about dressing up in all your finest. Dressing sexy is about wearing clothes (in fabrics that feel good on your skin) and sensual signatures that make you feel good about being you. It’s outfits that highlight and enhance your most attractive features. Dressing sexy is about your scent, your coiffed hair, your appealing hands and feet. Bottom line: Dressing sexy is about caring about your appearance and making an effort to look good and feel good for yourself.

DO THE CLARK KENT. MAKE WHAT’S UNDER THERE INSPIRATIONAL UNDERWEAR. I know I’m back in your underpants, but you can learn a lot from a superhero! No matter what he was wearing on top, underneath Clark was always ready for action. Let your pretty lingerie be your sexy little secret—a secret (always for you, never just for him) that makes you feel attractive and inspires the sexual being in you. So whether it’s under a suit, sweats, or jeans, whether you’re doing housework or homework, underneath it all wear what makes you feel alluring and sexy.

NOTE-TAKING: Positive, sexy attitudes often get waylaid by negative, hurtful thoughts. Make a list of your top five “terrible toos” (I’m too this, I’m too that). Now make a list of all your attributes that offset those pesky negative thoughts. Recopy this list and display it in your sanctuary.

Beginning this week, each time a terrible too threatens a tantrum, say this to yourself: “I may be too _______, but I’m still way too sexy for me or anyone else who matters to care.”

LECTURE: Sexual energy. Another potent ingredient of the WOW factor. You know it when you feel it. It’s that spark of electricity that makes you stand taller, puts a come-hither glide in your walk, a twinkle in your eye, and a mischievous bend in your smile. It makes you feel happy and eye-catching and invincible. In short, your sexual energy is the announcement of your sensual presence in the world. It charges you up from head to toe and draws all eyes in the room and a few bodies to your side as well. It is a powerful force that attracts you and makes you attractive to others.

But beyond attracting someone, your sexual energy is a potent force in maintaining your health, intimate relationships, and even your spirituality. Sexual energy is passionate and dynamic. It is just as advertised—energy—a passionate, dynamic force.

So if sexual energy is such a profoundly wonderful thing, why do most of us fight so hard to suppress and ignore it? Because for most of our lives, our natural sexual energy has been equated with something wrong or immoral. It frightens the great majority of us, especially married women, because we are supposed to reserve such feelings for our spouses, aren’t we? We don’t know how to handle our sensual presence when in the company of strangers. When it rears its powerful head, we feel uncomfortable. We do what we’ve been taught to do: ignore it and let it pass. We’re afraid of our sexual energy and where it might take us. Instead of trusting our natural instinct to revel in it, we suppress it because we think if we feel it, we have to act on it.

CLASS ASSIGNMENT: Feel and enjoy your sexual energy. In order to get comfortable with your sexual energy, you first have to understand how you handle yours. So here’s a one-question pop quiz: You’re at a party and you find yourself sexually attracted to someone else in the room. Do you:

a. Flirt heavily with the intent of getting them into bed?

b. Flirt a little bit and just enjoy how the encounter makes you feel?

c. Suppress your feelings because you’re afraid or with someone else?

Your answer will more than likely line up with the results of your Introduction to Seduction exam (A: Super Seductive, B: Solidly Seductive, C: Waiting to be Seduced). If you answered A or C, you’re on either end of the uncomfortable scale because you are blocking the sheer pleasure of your sexual energy by feeling the need to do something with it. It’s okay and important to simply feel and enjoy your sexual energy, without the need to make something happen. If something is going to happen, it will—naturally and without question or hesitation. And if nothing moves it to the next level, you still can feel the empowered pleasure of being sexually viable, and visible, to others.

Bring your sexual energy to the forefront by jump-starting your day with some sexy thoughts, actions, visuals, or words. Try to maintain this level of energy all day. Allow yourself to be fully present in these feelings. Acknowledge and honor any fears, but push through them instead of giving in and ignoring them.

NOTE-TAKING: Journal about your feelings of attraction and particularly the sexual energy you’ve felt in the presence of someone past or present. Record your negative and positive feelings as well as wishes. How do you treat your sexual energy? Does it give you pleasure, or trip you up and make you feel uncomfortable? If you are married or in a committed relationship, do you think it’s wrong to feel sexual energy in the presence of someone other than your lover? Why or why not?

LECTURE: Sex on the brain. Anyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite sayings is “Where your mind goes, your butt follows.” It’s clear, concise, and goal-oriented: Action follows thought. This idea applies to everything from making your dreams come true to creating a rip-roaring, passion-filled sex life.

I REALIZED THAT…

“My great ‘aha’ moments were those that helped me change my outlook on myself and my participation in my own negative attitude. I now feel responsible for making any change.”

Allison ’09

So if you really want to bump up your sex life, it’s time to wake up your sexy mind, because once you turn on your brain, the rest of the equipment is sure to rev up as well.

Long-term relationships can put a real damper on your sexy state of mind. In the average relationship, the romantic period when you can’t keep sex off your mind has an expiration date that comes far too quickly for most of us. The habits you once found endearing become irritating. Combine familiarity with the stress and rush of kids and work, and before you know it, sex has become something else to put on your to-do list. You slip into a state of sexual neutrality—you’re rarely in the mood for sex, but you can get there if you have/want/need to.

Long spans of celibacy (whether voluntary or imposed) forces a similar state upon you. When your brain is no longer continually filled with thoughts of sex and you shut down your sexual energy, you also shut down thinking about yourself as a sensual, sexual being. That’s why keeping sex on the brain is so essential to your sexual vitality. Like those Jimmy Choos or those Hershey’s Kisses you can’t get off your mind—the more you think about something, the more you have to have it. Sex is no different. Wake up that sexy mind and get to know your inner sexiness. We’re all so consumed with the condition of our bodies that we’re neglecting the biggest turn-on of all.

CLASS ASSIGNMENT: Thinking about sex does not have to interfere with your daily life, but instead will enhance everything about it. A sexy mind generates sexual energy, which makes you feel alive and keeps you ready and wanting to have sex in the wink of an eye, rather than falling victim to predictable, appointment sex. And when your desire is preheated and ready to go, sex stops being something you have to do and starts being something you want to, have to, lucky me, get to do! It also puts your partner on notice that you are a sensual, exciting woman. It puts him where you want him and keeps him there—waiting and wanting you.

This week, try one or a combination of these four tips for reinvigorating your sexy mind. I’ve gathered them from various sources and have tried them all. They worked for me and for many folks I’ve recommended them to. I hope they’ll help put sex back on your brain too.

1. READ. Studies have shown that women who read romantic fiction have better sex lives than those who don’t. My guess is it’s because they’re exercising their most potent sexual organ—their brain! So read on, and keep an open mind about erotica, which is an entirely different animal than pornography. With something available for every personal taste, erotica can be enjoyable and titillating, and will go a long way toward putting you in a sexy state of mind. (Plus you might just pick up a tip or two.)

PROFESSOR’S NOTES

A word about erotica. I do recommend erotica as a teaching tool, because I firmly believe that many women are drawn to erotica not only for the sex, but also for the way the women in these stories have sex. So when you read erotica, think about your own sex life and compare it, not by act but by attitude, to those you read about. The characters in erotic stories approach sex in ways that are experimental, curious, adventurous, spontaneous, empowering, and joyful. They are having the kind of sex life real women would love to have. They are pleasing themselves, and by extension, their lovers, without judgment or guilt. That’s powerful and very sexy!

Check out Can’t Help the Way That I Feel, edited by yours truly, and The I.O.U., The Gift, and The List, by Elle, from the Elle Series, elegant erotica for the grown and sexy.

2. KEEP THINKING SEXY THOUGHTS. Fantasizing about Idris Elba or Brad Pitt or the guy with the amazing abs you found yourself gazing upon at the gym is not a bad thing. The joy of a pleasurable “mind job” is that you don’t have to be responsible or reasonable—or safe, for that matter. Let your mind be a sexy playground where you can fulfill every side of your sexual self—even the freaky side which will probably never see the light of day but can be some serious fuel to keep that lusty fire burning.

3. DO YOURSELF. This may make you a tiny bit (or a lot) uncomfortable, but masturbation can play a big role in keeping sex on the brain. It’s a revelation to a lot of women that you don’t need a partner to feel sexy and be sexual. Being comfortable with your own body and learning how it works, knowing what turns you on and what doesn’t, is essential information for building a good relationship with another person; being comfortable and confident in touching yourself is a huge turn-on to your partner when you’re sharing your bed.

4. STAY AWAY FROM NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT SEX. Parents, pastors, and past experiences may have helped form your opinions about sex, and truth be told, they may not be your opinions. Negative ideas, those that seem to fight with your authentic sexual desires, need to be looked at and challenged on the regular. If you don’t look at them, you’ll continue to believe that “nice girls don’t enjoy sex” or “sex is your duty” or “wanting sex makes you a slut.” Reprogram your brain to understand that your feminine confidence (that is, your sexual confidence), vitality, and fulfillment are crucial to your existence as a fully alive, fully realized woman. And because your sexual turn-ons are as individual as your fingerprints, who on earth has the right to judge your desires?

NOTE-TAKING: Write down, in detail, some of your sexual fantasies. Don’t be bashful or embarrassed. Liberate your desires. They are strictly for your pleasure, so dream away and let them fuel that lusty fire of yours and keep it burning bright.

Explore your feelings about masturbating. How do you feel about the experience and about yourself when you do it? Are you relaxed or nervous? What did you learn about your body and what it likes through masturbation?

LECTURE: Get naked. When is the last time you were blissfully, brazenly naked just for the heck of it? Not naked because you were about to bathe or get dressed or have sex, but simply because you felt beautiful in the buff?

Nakedness is the epitome of vulnerability. It is, as the cliché goes, letting it all hang out. Often we avoid being naked because we feel our bodies don’t measure up to an idealized version of beauty. Or maybe you choose to keep your clothes on because you’ve been taught that modesty is a good thing—even if you’re alone. It appears that between perceived imperfections and stringent moral codes, you are losing out on one of the bare necessities of life—the liberation of body and soul stripped down to your natural beauty.

So the question must be asked: If you aren’t comfortable alone in your own naked splendor, how do you expect to feel comfortable and confident in it when in the company of another?

CLASS ASSIGNMENT: Find time for some naked exploration. While you’re at home alone today, walk around your house (not just your bedroom) naked. Each time you see your reflection, glance at and appreciate the beauty of your body. Take time to admire your most attractive feature and give yourself a compliment before moving on.

Weather and privacy permitting, go naked outside. Savor the sun’s kiss on your naked skin. Dance in the buff and let the breeze brush up against your nipples. Breathe deeply. Take a flower or leaf and gently brush it along the surface of your skin. Focus on the pleasure of touch and the beauty of nature. If there is a private pool or pond you can use, go skinny-dipping and feel the cool water embrace all your body’s nooks and crannies.

NOTE-TAKING: What did you learn about your attitudes about nudity? Was today’s class assignment easy or difficult for you? If difficult, why? Really probe yourself for the answers to why nudity may make you uncomfortable.

LECTURE: Own it. You can feel as sexy as “whoa,” dress the role, walk the walk, and talk the talk, but if you don’t own it, you’re still playing a role. Most women, even the divas, don’t own it. They flaunt it, work it, use it, and sometimes even abuse it, but they don’t own it. Again, it is 100 percent feminine confidence in your personal essence, and owning it means living your life without the need for validation or approval from anyone else. A sexy woman who owns it is still friendly and approachable, compassionate and considerate, but she isn’t about to please anyone before pleasing herself. It’s about selfness, not selfishness. It’s about understanding your individual truth and making no excuses. If you lease out your feminine confidence, someone can always repossess it. Own it, and it’s yours forever.

PROFESSOR’S NOTES

The key to owning it is to understand that being yourself can never be wrong. This is not to say that you’re perfect or that you don’t make mistakes or incorrect judgments. It’s about realizing that even with all your flaws, you are still fundamentally a strong, beautiful woman just the way you are.

Make an effort to find ways to assert your self-ownership. Start by eliminating the phrase “I’m sorry to bother you, but” and not agreeing to do something that you don’t want to do or don’t have time to do. Set your own boundaries in all areas of your life.

CLASS ASSIGNMENT: Resetting your attitude. Make this weekend a sexy one—one that includes everything but sex. (Build up that sexual energy!) This weekend is more about trying out your new attitude and reveling in the positive feelings and attention it brings. It’s about stepping out, testdriving and owning the unique brand of WOW you’ve begun to create.

I want you to think about the lessons you’ve learned this semester, and continue to apply them to this weekend and every day after. Put your sensual signatures together with your charming attitude, and go S.E.L.L. yourself as the confident, sexy, vibrant woman you are to every man, woman, and child you come across. You need not go anywhere special or plan anything special, because true sexy doesn’t need a playhouse or audience to exist and be seen. Just be you. Stay in touch with your sensual world; do you and enjoy the feelings of bringing sexy back into your luscious, sensual life.

NOTE-TAKING: Jot down in your journal how you feel about what you learned about yourself this week. Are you enjoying living with your sexual energy? Do you feel sexy? Are you on your way to not only believing that you are a sexy, charming, sensuous woman, but to owning her as well? If not, why not? Who or what do you think is holding her back?