WELCOME TO STILETTO UNIVERSITY AND THE POWER OF WOW
WELCOME!
I’m so thrilled that you’ve decided to join us! My sincere desire is to plant the seeds, and supply the tools necessary to help you blossom into the sexy, sensational, sensual woman you are meant to be.
I REALIZED THAT…
“SU is the best thing that has happened to me in a decade. I just want you to know that this class will make you a woman, not just put you in the position to have more sex.”
Dina ’08
Stiletto U and The Power of WOW were born out of a lifetime of living sensually and encouraging others to do the same. In fact, this accumulated experience has resulted in my developing a career as a sensuality coach. After traveling around the country giving workshops and meeting women like you, women who are eager to get their WOW back (or claim it for the first time), I created and began teaching this curriculum through individual coaching, workshops, and adult school classes. I’m so pleased to tell you that the program really does work!
The women who graduate from Stiletto University are not the same women who sign up. They embrace the SU teachings and leave much more sensuous, definitely sexier, but most importantly, happier and more confident about who they are, exactly as they are. Let me share with you one comment from Maria, a Stiletto U graduate from Flint, Michigan. I think it really captures the Stiletto U experience: “I thought this program was going to be about flirting and outer techniques. I wasn’t expecting to look at my inner self. I was surprised by how much I learned about myself. I have reconnected with the real me and it feels fabulous!”
You may find that it isn’t always easy to look at yourself squarely as you begin to explore yourself from a different vantage point. My goal is not to create a new you, but rather to bring into balance your feminine side, the side that gets lost as you try to be everything to everyone else in your life—whether friends, family, or some mythical ideal that you’ve got in your head. At Stiletto University, we are in search of the true, sensual you. That may feel like a daunting task, but trust that the things you learn will show you not how to play the role of dynamic, sensual woman, but rather how to genuinely be that woman on your own terms, utilizing your exceptional gifts, talents, and looks.
So what makes The Power of WOW different from all the other books and programs on the market? Most tutorials on this subject treat sensuality as something one pulls out of her sexual trick bag, enforcing the erroneous idea that women should feel sensual only when they are acting sexual. But by eliminating sensuality from our daily lives, we too often find ourselves living without truly feeling alive. At Stiletto U, we believe that living daily through one’s senses, or as I like to call them, the Fan Five (as in fantabulous!), is the bedrock of a pleasured and empowered life. Our program operates from the core idea that by initially separating your sensuality from your sexuality and teaching you to live a sensory life, pleasure becomes the norm, passions are discovered and ignited, and your confidence and WOW factor soar both inside and outside the bedroom.
Here’s what SU alum Gigi from Naperville, Illinois, had to say: “This program is so much richer than its fun exterior would indicate. It’s really centered around issues of authenticity and self-worth, and the benefits are there not for just the personal/intimate relationships, but for all relationships. Through Stiletto U, I woke up to appreciating and being more alive in the world, and that’s a gift worth its weight in gold.”
Like Gigi, you will learn that sensuality is an untapped power source that can have a profound effect on the way you view and interact with the world. You’ll learn how to elevate your sensual-esteem and maximize your distinctive sensuality to create an extraordinary atmosphere in which to work, live, and love.
That’s why, once you’ve earned your MSA (Master of the Sensual Arts) degree, we do not bestow on you the title of Goddess or Diva or Sex Kitten or Bombshell or Bad Bitch. Our belief is that most women have spent their lifetimes trying to play a role, at the expense of their self-esteem and essential truth—and that living fully as themselves is natural and empowering and the ultimate sexy. As a Stiletto U student, you will simply graduate into a more whole and vital you—in your purest, sexiest, most authentic form.
So, again, welcome to Stiletto University. It’s time for you to discover the delicious lost side of you that makes being a woman so much fun!
OUR MISSION
Our mission at Stiletto U is to unleash a woman’s natural and individual sensuality, with the ultimate goal of making her feel comfortable and sexy in her own skin. We are dedicated to the idea that a truly sexy woman lives by her own truth, attitudes, and desires, and we strive to help her become the confident, sensual woman and partner she was born to be.
STILETTO U STUDENT BODY
Stiletto University students run the demographic gamut. Single, married, and divorced women of all ages and races, with or without children, can (and do) benefit from our program. While their lifestyles may be different, they all have in common the desire to tap into their inner strength, beauty, and feminine confidence.
YOUR PROFESSOR
Lori Bryant-Woolridge is an Emmy Award-winning writer and best-selling author, sensuality coach, and advocate for healthy, sensual lifestyles. She has authored three best-selling books, including Weapons of Mass Seduction, a sensuality manual within a novel, and has edited the erotic anthology Can’t Help the Way That I Feel. Lori conducts sensuality classes and workshops around the nation, has been featured in local and national media including the Seattle Times, the Detroit Free Press, the New York Daily News, Essence Magazine, Romantic Times, Working Mother Magazine, Cosmopolitan UK and Psychologies Magazine (UK), and has appeared on numerous radio and television shows across the country.
MY SENSUAL JOURNEY
Okay, that’s the official biography—but here’s the one that really counts. Now in my fifties, I am wise and seasoned by age and life experience, and I fully live the life I promote. I am an active and productive flirt (my biggest charm achievement: I met my husband and became engaged in six days) and a lifelong sensualist.
It seems that most of my adult life I have been complimented for being sensual, charming, or sexy. And I don’t mean to sound egotistical, because I’m definitely not. I’m doing what I ask all women to do, what I had to learn to do myself—listen to, learn from, and live the compliments I receive.
You see, like many of you, I may have had all those attributes, but I didn’t always own them. Throughout my teens, twenties, and half of my thirties, I was doing what most of us do—the basic “fake it till you make it” strategy. And I was successful, both socially and professionally. I didn’t know how or why, and frankly, it didn’t matter, because whatever I was doing was working. But like a lot of women, after marriage and my first child, I lost myself. The role I’d been playing since I’d started dating had changed entirely. My body was different, as well as my mind-set. Suddenly, child care replaced self-care. I lost the me in Mommy, and my mind, body, and soul were in transformation. Was I a sexy mama or just my baby’s mama? I wanted to be both, but how could I tend my maternal cocoon and still emerge a butterfly?
This is when my individual study and passion for understanding the sensual arts truly began. Every cocktail party conversation became a focus group, every flirtation an experiment in cause and effect. Life became my laboratory and I became my own case study. I began analyzing the successes and failures of my sensual approach to life by isolating my personal and flirting styles and test-marketing my ideas and techniques in my everyday existence. I have spent the past 20 years observing, researching, and breaking down my individual approach to living a sensual, charming, seductive life.
Here’s what I learned: By putting sensuality at the core of my feminine existence, I became more aware, grateful, joyful, spontaneous, adventurous, and successful, both personally and professionally. (Oh, and you will notice that these are the same words you probably use when speaking of improving your sex life). The more I learned about and began to trust my version of “sexy woman,” the more I began to accept and take possession of my ideas on love and lust. I learned that with true ownership of one’s genuine self came pride in possession and the quiet demand for respect. I learned that the best technique for achieving success in all areas of my life (sex included) was to simply get to know myself and then happily be myself.
My confidence in my own power soared. People noticed. By request, I start giving informal “seminars” at my club meetings and girls’ nights out. I wrote novels whose characters carried my sensual message. And then I penned Weapons of Mass Seduction, a sensuality manual within a novel. To promote the book, I began doing workshops instead of readings. Soon I was receiving speaking requests from organizations and conferences around the country. Readers’ emails and audience comments confirmed that my ideas about sensuality and charm were helping women improve their personal lives; others asked for more direct advice. When the individual requests for extended help began to grow, my individual coaching career was born. I became a sensuality coach and have loved it from the very beginning.
What I have learned through living sensuously has carried me through the ups and downs of a long-term marriage and the identity challenges of many birthdays. Living sensually has expanded the passion and joy in my life because I have learned to revel in my physical and spiritual attributes and live by my own truth and convictions.
I proudly pass these lessons on to you—teacher to student, mentor to friend, woman to woman. While I’ve included bits and pieces from my personal journey, the bulk of this book is an extension of my individual sensuality coaching. I’ve tried to capture on paper the same sense of personal care and concern I give each of my students. I hope you feel the love—it is there, nestled between every word.
THE SU SEMESTER: GAIN THE POWER OF WOW
The Stiletto U program is designed to help you establish your sensual mastery in three distinct units—Individual WOW, Social WOW, and Sexual WOW. Each unit contains an introduction, three classes and one living laboratory, and each lesson builds on the next. While the living lab is your opportunity to apply the lessons you’ve learned and solidify them in your lifestyle, everything you learn should be applied daily throughout the program.
Here is how it all works. Supplemental Philosophy of WOW readings are included in the laboratories and should ideally be done over the weekend to reinforce your unit lessons. Each lesson includes a brief lecture, class assignments, a note-taking (journaling) assignment, and a daily field trip—a 20-to 60-minute affirming walk (stilettos not required!). Class assignments cover everything from setting up your sensual sanctuary to infecting as many people as possible with your smile to allowing your “bad” girl to come out to play. If you devote a minimum of 90 minutes per day to your classwork, which can certainly be allocated throughout the day, you will be ready to unleash your sensual self onto the world in nine weeks. That’s the ideal. But the program is designed for you to take as long as you need to learn and to live the Stiletto University mentality: Being yourself can never be wrong.
SUPPLIES AND MATERIALS
Along with this book, you will need a journal for your note-taking assignments and for recording any additional thoughts that come to you on your path toward sensuous living. Class assignments vary in their requirements for additional supplies. It’s a good idea to skim ahead each week to see what you will need to complete your assignment. Most items can be found around your home, but you may end up buying new items to support and enhance your newfound sensuous lifestyle.
EARNING YOUR MASTER OF THE SENSUAL ARTS
If you’re thinking, I don’t have time for this, stop! The entire SU program is based on pleasure, self-acceptance, and finding joy where you stand. I have spent years testing and perfecting this curriculum through my workshops, classes, and individual coaching. It is designed to be user-friendly, practical, and flexible enough to accommodate your individual needs and schedules.
Spend one day or one week on each lesson. Stay on one class as long as you need and move forward when you feel ready. You choose the pace of your learning and sensual unleashing. Most of your assignments can be incorporated into preexisting areas of your everyday life. But it’s important to do something every day, because fully enrolling yourself in Stiletto University obliges you to take time out for yourself each day to discover and explore the things that make you irreplaceable in this world. This is why you’ll find a Student Contract to sign, pledging to love and appreciate the person who gets the least amount of your time and attention—you.
Here’s what Dina (an SU alumni you’ll meet at the upcoming student mixer) said in her final exam: “My advice to those taking this course would be to look at it like real school, not some self-help book you can read in a couple of pages and put down. The same energy you put into learning English 101 you need to put into this course. Also, like any class, the effort you put in will determine the results you get at the end.”
Ultimately, this is a journey of major realizations. At the end, you will find yourself saying, “I realized that … ,” and these nuggets of self-wisdom will be the foundation of your amazing new self. Look for these realizations from former SU students along the journey.
So, yes, earning your MSA will require work on your part, but I have to say, Stiletto U will be the most fun you ever had in school!
STILETTO UNIVERSITY STUDENT CONTRACT
I, __________________________________, agree to:
▶ Take action daily toward my sensual goals
▶ Be present and prepared for my class sessions
▶ Be honest about my challenges and what I want to achieve
▶ Be gentle and nonjudgmental toward myself and all new revelations
▶ Revel with joy and wonder in all my new discoveries about my sensual world and self
I commit to work on my sensual self for a minimum of nine weeks with the same love, dedication, and understanding that I give others in my life.
Signed____________________ Date____________
STILETTO UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM
Please take a moment to answer these questions thoughtfully and truthfully. Your answers will form the basis of your Stiletto U experience and help you set your individual goals. At the end of the semester, you’ll take a similar final exam to see how you and your views about your sensuality and sexuality have changed.
THE WOMAN:
1. List three words to describe your personality / physical appearance.
2. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate your
a. Self-esteem
b. Feminine confidence
c. Sexual confidence
d. Social confidence
3. Name three women you admire, and tell why. What are your feelings about the impact they have on you? Do your feelings lean more toward inspiration or envy? Why?
4. To date, what has been your most defining moment (positive or negative) as a woman? How has this shaped your current perception of yourself?
5. What do you love most about being you? What do you most dislike?
6. Complete this sentence with the first word that comes to mind: I am______________________________________
7. A person meeting me for the first time would initially notice my_______________________________________
8. What role does sensuality (defined as living through your five senses) play in your everyday life?
9. Recount your most sensual moment to date.
THE CHARMER:
10. List three words to describe a woman who flirts.
Are your words mostly positive or negative? (circle one)
11. Complete this sentence: Personally, I think flirting is_______
12. I find it difficult / easy to converse with strangers. (circle one)
13. On a scale of 1 to 10, when it comes to being charming, I’d rate myself as a_______ .
THE LOVER:
14. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your sex life?_______
15. Are you a sensual / sexual / or accommodating lover? Circle all that apply.
16. Complete this sentence: When it comes to sex, if I could change one thing about me, I would be________
17. What keeps me from being more [insert answer from
18. My______________________________ is the sexiest part of me.
19. What role does sensuality play in your sex life?
20. Think about the most rewarding / passionate / exciting sexual experience you’ve ever had in your life. State what made you feel that way about it and how you felt about yourself during this encounter.
THE STUDENT:
21. Why did you decide to pick up this book and enroll in Stiletto University?
22. What do you most hope to achieve through this program?
23. Complete this sentence: You’ll consider this experience a success if you__________
STUDENT MIXER: MEET THE STILETTO U ALUMNI
Before we begin this high-heeled journey together, I thought it might be a good idea for you to get to know some of the wonderful Stiletto University alumni
1 who will be popping in and out throughout the semester. These are just a few of the students who have utilized and helped tweak the Stiletto University program, and are now out in the world living their power of WOW.
They range in age from 25 to 52. Some are married, some divorced; others have never wed. They are mothers, stepmothers, childless. Some women have been with their husbands and lovers for years, others a few months. Some incorporated their mates into their schoolwork, while others studied in private and let their lovers reap the rewards. A few are celibate, some by choice and the others by chance. And while some are rebounding from the pain and isolation of marital infidelity, others are coping with a multiseason man drought. One is taking back her life after an abusive sexual experience stripped her of all trust and sexual identity. Needless to say, they are an eclectic group, with different wants and needs, yet all are itching to get their WOW back or claim it for the very first time.
Some came to Stiletto U with hang-ups derived from a lifetime of trying to kowtow to the ideas of the Three P’s (Parent, Preacher, Public Morality) of who they should be. All have hit at least one of the inevitable bumps along life’s road—heartbreak, childbirth, middle age, divorce, infidelity—that caused them to stop and question their sexual prowess or relevancy.
Each is a victim to a culture and media that send divergent and ultimately harmful messages to women about what’s sexy and attractive (read: young, thin and cosmetically enhanced).
They enrolled in Stiletto University with various levels of sensuality, and, like you, they came in search of a missing part of themselves—a part so deeply buried within that some couldn’t even identify the problem. But they wanted a cure for the nagging sense of ennui, low self-esteem, low feminine confidence, or a lackluster love life.
All, I am happy to say, graduated with a greater understanding of their true selves and a richer sense of sensuality, empowerment, and feminine confidence. They still have ups and downs, but they are now better equipped to handle the hiccups with grace, flair, and a self-assured understanding that through it all, they remain magnificent.
So, without further ado, let me introduce several of our SU alumni. Mix and mingle among yourselves. No doubt you will see yourself in one or several of their stories.
POST-BABY SEXY
—SAY HELLO TO NATASHA
One is not born a woman. One becomes one.
“I signed up for Stiletto U when my baby was eight months old because I was in need of some serious fluffing and fun.”
On her entrance exam, Natasha described herself as funny, reflective, and a thinker. Physically she viewed herself as styleless, frumpy, and nondescript—a far cry from her single days, when she felt attractive and sensual. Before giving birth, Natasha felt comfortable socializing and considered herself a charmer. But not so much, post baby.
“Overall, I am a very sensuous woman, but since my daughter’s birth, my feminine confidence feels low, like a 3 or 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. Sensuality and sex is almost nonexistent since we had the baby. We are always tired or overworked.”
Natasha, Class of ’07
Home: Connecticut
Age: 32
Married 4 years
8-month-old daughter
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: 7
Feminine Confidence: 4
Sexual Confidence: 4
Social Confidence: 7
What Brought You to SU:
“Feeling rushed, anxious, and fat is not a sensual combo.”
Natasha came to Stiletto U feeling like a lot of new moms: lost and trying to redefine her sexy. She was confused and angry about the changes in her body and her attitudes toward her disrupted sex life. Natasha was fighting hard to hold on to the sexy young woman she was before becoming a mother, disregarding the fact that her life, her body, and her relationship had changed forever. Our goal was twofold: 1) to help Natasha find her identity again as a wonderful lusty woman/mother, no matter what her new dress size was, and 2) reestablish a loving, fulfilling sex life based on her new family normal. Later we’ll share the one powerful lesson that Natasha learned to help put her back on track.
ALUMNI TIP
“Sometimes the classwork felt like too much for a working mama with an infant. I did the walking field trip every day with the baby and each week picked one core assignment from each class and concentrated on that. The great thing is that you can go back and do the book more than once and have new learning experiences with the material you haven’t done yet.”
GOOD GIRLS CAN BE SEXY TOO
—MEET BRENN
Intellectual passion drives out sensuality.
“I never felt fulfilled in any of my romantic relationships. Not even my marriage. I was married for ten years to a man whom I was never physically attracted to because I believed that intellectual compatibility was the lifeblood of a good relationship, and that sex was my duty. We had sex, at best, twice per year. I’ve always seen sex as something bad, certainly not to be enjoyed and only done in the dark.”
On her entrance exam, Brenn described herself as “easy to laugh but reserved, curvy, wears a size 10 shoe.” Brenn also admitted to being cold and dismissive of any admirers who approached her, because she was unable to accept their interest as genuine or honorable.
Brenn, Class of ’07
Home: Massachusetts
Age: 38
Divorced
14-year-old daughter
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: 10
Feminine Confidence: 3
Sexual Confidence: 2
Social Confidence: 6
What Brought You to SU: “I had the opportunity to spend the night with my ‘fantasy’ guy and couldn’t even kiss him back. I just froze and was totally embarrassed. I realized that I’m not comfortable with my sexuality. I feel that a whole person is missing from my life.”
Brenn grew up in a very conservative household, under the watchful and extremely religious eye of her grandmother, whose desire for Brenn to be a “good” girl was so strong that she was stripped of any sense of her sensuality/sexuality. She was taught from her earliest years that only whorish women enjoyed sex, and that belief has haunted her throughout her life.
But it wasn’t just her sorry sex life that was causing her angst. Brenn had also tied her sensuality so tightly to her sexuality that savoring life was unthinkable. She was afraid to allow herself to live sensually for fear that she would be “totally overwhelmed and become a loose woman.” Even casually touching others or being touched troubled her, because in her mind, it came with sexual overtones.
“I was smiling all the time, but my life was miserable. I’d meet men and the more attracted I was to them, the more reserved and protective of myself I would become. Once they wanted to start a relationship, I couldn’t deal. I would pick them apart until I decided that they were boring.” Hiding behind polite distance and disingenuous laughter was Brenn’s defense mechanism. She’d been trained to trust neither the intentions of men nor the compliments they gave her.
“I came to Stiletto U because I am intellectually sexy. I know that somewhere deep inside I am very sensual and I really want to live it. Yet I am struggling with the idea that if I do, that makes me a whore.”
Brenn was like a lot of women who are confident and successful in the workplace but unable to find that same success in their personal lives. She was in desperate need to connect—first with her sensual self, and then with her confident, assertive, sexual side that was not afraid to ask for what she wanted in life or in bed. Hers was a tough and emotional journey, and later you’ll see how far she’s come.
ALUMNI TIP
“The assignments are very effective and I did them regularly. Sometimes I didn’t go in order because I wasn’t feeling a particular subject, so I would move on to another that I felt more emotionally connected to and then go back later to finish the others.”
SEXY BUT STILL ALONE
—SAY HELLO TO VIRGINIA
Men look at themselves in mirrors. Women look for themselves.
Virginia, divorced for 10 years, was ready and willing to get back in the relationship game, but despite feeling comfortably sensual and confident about herself and her femininity, she was still single and lonely. Self-described as strong, funny, beautiful, and voluptuous, Virginia was socially engaging and had no problem meeting men, but she rarely made it past two or three dates. Her relationship prior to joining Stiletto U did last for several months, but proved to be sexually unfulfilling and a confidence crusher.
“I felt really confused because even though I felt comfortable flirting, when it came down to a relationship and actually having sex, it wasn’t working.”
When she enrolled in Stiletto U, Virginia had removed herself from the dating scene. Her frustration level was high and climbing; while she was sure that she had what it took to attract and maintain a great relationship, she felt that the poor quality of the men she was meeting was holding her back. Virginia could feel herself shutting down socially, and that scared her.
Virginia, Class of ’07
Home: New Jersey
Age: 42
Divorced
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: 8
Feminine Confidence: 7
Sexual Confidence: 6
Social Confidence: 7
What Brought You to SU:
“I was tired of being alone but didn’t know what I was doing wrong.”
“I just lost my zeal for being sexy and all that that entails. I wanted to be in a relationship, but had no idea how to attract what I was looking for, and I was tired of being disappointed by the men I was attracting.
“I came to Stiletto U because I seem to be projecting the wrong something, because I am still manless. At forty-two, I want a relationship where I can truly enjoy sex with my mate.”
Virginia was looking for what we all seek: a loving, passionate relationship with someone we enjoy and who enjoys us. What she had forgotten was the universal rule “Energy attracts like energy.” Our goal for Virginia was to help deconstruct and understand the kind of energy and the image she was presenting to the world, and then build up her true self and her ability to fully live her life without waiting for someone else to recognize and validate how wonderful she was. Later you’ll see how changing her energy and attitude improved Virginia’s quality of life.
ALUMNI TIP
“I loved the purposeful walks. They helped me to relax. On the way out, I really worked to stay in the moment and be in touch with my surroundings, and I used the way back to acknowledge the faults I have to work on, but embrace the positive that is me as well.”
CHEATED OUT OF MY SEXY
—HELLO, ANTOINETTE
Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.
At 52, Antoinette was living the “cougar” life with her 40-year-old husband. She was a doting stepmother to his three children, and while she still felt young at heart, she swore her mirror was telling her something different.
“My once tight body is now flabby and is not even attractive to me. I’m still as vibrant as a thirty-year-old, so it’s even more discouraging to constantly be brought back to earth by my bedroom mirror.”
Like Natasha, Antoinette was a mom fighting to accept her changing body. Her husband’s comments about her aging physique, and her own insecurities about getting older, had taken a real toll on her body image. But Antoinette had an even bigger problem.
Antoinette, Class of ’08
Home: Florida
Age: 52
Married 8 years
3 children under 12
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: 6
Feminine Confidence: 6
Sexual Confidence: 4
Social Confidence: 7
What Brought You to SU:
“I want my sexy back, not just for him, but most importantly, for me.”
“Two years ago, my husband confessed to cheating. I had viewed my marriage through rose-colored glasses, believing that nothing could penetrate it. Now, I view not only myself, but the world differently.”
On her entrance exam, Antoinette described her appearance as “short and voluptuous,” and her personality as “hesitant and modest.” The self-doubt that came with her husband’s infidelity only added to her physical and emotional insecurities.
“We were both caught up in the ‘Let’s do it and go to bed’ routine, especially with both of us working and three active children. I no longer blame myself for his affair, but I know I changed after we got married. My focus shifted from being a good wife to being a good stepmother, and I admit that for a long time, I’d just been going through the motions of being a wife.
“He cheated with a woman I knew from work. This woman is the total opposite of me. She’s more sexually adventurous than me. After I found out about the affair, I became extremely self-conscious about my body and sexual performance. I also was angry that it hadn’t mattered to him what a good wife and mother I was. He had practically destroyed our family over sex.”
Antoinette found herself in an odd predicament. Sex, the thing that was supposed to intimately bond her with her spouse, had become the thing that had driven them apart. “I became frigid and unforgiving, and very unsure of myself in bed,” she said.
She’d become sexually frustrated and desperately wanted to break out of her good-mom mind-set and be a “bit more freaky.” She was still physically attracted to her husband and wanted to try to make their marriage work again, but wondered if she was still attractive to him. “I can’t get past my thoughts that he’s probably more focused on my love handles than on the experience.”
Antoinette’s goals for herself sorted into two distinct areas: 1) restoring her self-esteem so that she could stop seeing herself as a victim and start taking control of her life, and 2) boosting her feminine and sexual confidence so she could unearth her passions, be more assertive about her sexual needs, and enjoy sex with her husband again on her own terms.
Picking up the pieces of one’s shattered life is no easy feat. At the next mixer, you’ll see how Antoinette stopped looking for her husband to make her feel sexy and desirable and how she learned to seduce herself and reset the power balance in her relationship.
ALUMNI TIP
“There were some assignments that I asked other people to help with. I sent out an email to five men and five women with some of the note-taking questions and asked them what they thought about me. It was very telling and most helpful. I was surprised how much I learned about myself.”
LYING TO BE SEXY
—MAY I INTRODUCE YOU TO DINA
Beauty—when you look into a woman’s eyes and see what is in her heart.
Meet Dina, a 32-year-old wife, mother, and rebellious wallflower. As she readily admits, “I really didn’t think that this was going to work for me. I thought I was deformed or something, that I was just meant to be the socially awkward one, the woman who didn’t really have any femininity. I was resigned to being the matron.”
When she enrolled in Stiletto U, Dina described herself as self-disparaging, bookish, and sporting the librarian look (complete with holiday-themed sweaters). Fearful of rejection, she was determined to make fun of herself before anyone else could. Highly intelligent, Dina used her smarts and humor to overcompensate for her lack of sensuality.
Dina, Class of ’08
Home: Michigan
Age: 35
Married 7 years
4-year-old twins
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: 7
Feminine Confidence: 4
Sexual Confidence: 4
Social Confidence: 7
What Brought You to SU:
“I hope to gain greater confidence in my woman- hood and know what if finally feels like to be sexy, and to like sex.”
“Sensuality does not play much of a role in my everyday life. I try to wear clothes that aren’t too tight; I usually eat while reading; I try not to get too musty by the end of the day.”
Dina openly admired women who flirted and who saw flirting as “a great way to get free stuff.” Despite her positive attitude on the subject, she was disappointed in her own charming abilities. “I can always make people laugh, but I feel like a clown, not a woman.”
Married seven years to her college sweetheart, Dina found her marital love life at an all-time, ho-hum low. As she put it, “We have two boys, and both of us work full-time, me during the day and him at night. We don’t have much of a sex life.” And truth be told, what little they did have Dina wasn’t enjoying.
Self-described as an accommodating lover, Dina was extremely insecure about her abilities as a lover and totally off-base about her husband’s sexual expectations. She was also keeping a few secrets and needed to get them out in the open. “I have a decade of one big lie and several smaller lies to overcome. If I could change anything when it comes to sex, I would be more truthful about my needs. I am so grateful that I put the work into SU. I have changed from the core. This was a life-changing experience for me.”
Dina was another hardworking Stiletto U student, and also one of several who incorporated her husband into her lessons and used him as a very willing laboratory partner. You’ll see how putting the effort into finding her sensual self unleashed an entirely new woman and helped move her marriage in a more honest direction.
ALUMNI TIP
“I just want women to know that this book will make you a woman. The exams are more like surprises. You have to go out and use what you learn and see that it works, so it motivates you to keep going and really make the changes. I wish traditional schools would do this; then maybe I wouldn’t have flunked Bio.”
TOO SHY TO BE SEXY
—HEY, JANINE
Bloom where you are planted.
Meet Janine, the baby of the bunch at 25. Single, with no children but with a brandnew boyfriend, Janine, self-described as painfully shy, quiet, and curvy, came to SU in an attempt to raise her self-esteem and feminine confidence.
Citing Josephine Baker as one of the women she truly admired because “she didn’t care what the world thought of her, but did what made her happy,” Janine signed up for Stiletto U hoping to learn how to do the same. “I want to feel sexy, confident, and sensual in all aspects of my life, not just the bedroom.”
Still in her twenties, Janine lacked the life experience to understand and put into true perspective her limited sexual experiences. She was hurt by a domineering past lover and is now in a new relationship with a great guy, but she was confused about how to walk the fine line between loving fearlessly and protecting her heart.
Janine, Class of ’08
Home: Pennsylvania
Age: 25
Single
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: 6
Feminine Confidence: 6
Sexual Confidence: 6
Social Confidence: 5
What Brought You to SU:
“I want to push myself out of my comfort zone so I can enjoy life more.”
“In my last relationship, it felt as if I had to almost beg my ex for attention, time, and affection. It was very onesided. When I left the relationship, I vowed that I’d never allow myself to be treated that way again. When I met Chris and we started talking, I was so caught up in not getting hurt again, that I just brushed off the things he said to me and kept my options open. I don’t always allow him to lead in our relationship, because of my need to control everything in my life so that I don’t get hurt again. He’s never done anything to hurt or disrespect me, yet, at times, I put my guard up. I don’t want to love like that.”
And with only a few partners in her short adult life, Janine is still trying to sort out her role and abilities as a lover as well as wrestle loose her good-girl baggage. “A big part of me is still too scared and ashamed to let go completely. I want to be more adventurous and bold, and less concerned with other people’s judgments.”
Those people include other women and co-workers, people Janine’s shell of shy mistrust kept her from getting acquainted with. “I don’t really socialize or interact with people I don’t know. Many people think I am stuck–up, because I hate talking to strangers, but I don’t like opening myself to being judged in any way. I usually eat lunch in my office alone. I want to open up and meet new people.” Her shyness also kept her from pursuing her passion—graphic arts. Opening up, Janine revealed that she was afraid to fail, so she didn’t even try.
At the next mixer, you’ll see how simply opening up her life to the world around her increased Janine’s confidence and changed her personally, professionally, and sexually in ways she couldn’t have imagined.
ALUMNI TIP
“I like the way it’s organized. Starting off by working on yourself gives you a solid base. I would definitely suggest reading ahead so you know what’s coming up and can adjust accordingly. For instance, I was able to do the mindful eating exercise at a work reception even though it wasn’t on the assigned day. This helped me fit more things into my schedule.”
WEIGHTING FOR SEXY
—THIS IS CATHY
Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.
When she enrolled in Stiletto U, Cathy, 46, was voluntarily celibate, childless, and had never been married. She described herself in three words: short, bold, and overpowering. And while she was not a traditional beauty, her body image (Cathy is plus size) was not the reason she decided to enroll.
Though Cathy admits that her sensuality was something she routinely neglected and put on the back burner, she wanted to explore it so she could better understand the attributes others said she had, but she could not see. However, after our first conversation, Cathy came to a slightly different reason for signing up.
Cathy, Class of ’09
Home: Georgia
Age: 46
Single
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: 6
Feminine Confidence: 2
Sexual Confidence: 2
Social Confidence: 6
What Brought You to SU:
“I’m a 46-year-old woman who lacks confidence in most if not all of my relationships. I’m the friend people depend on but don’t call to hang out with.”
“I wanted to participate because I don’t know what womanliness is. I don’t know it and can’t embrace it because, in my mind, being feminine is extremely negative.”
Cathy, like many of us, was lost in what I call “the lexis trap”: letting the connotation of common words define and ensnare her. To Cathy, everything the rest of the world viewed as feminine—softness, overt sex appeal, coquettish charm, and so on—she didn’t see in herself and viewed negatively. In Cathy’s mind, being feminine meant “acting subservient, phony, and above all, weak.”
While Cathy defined being a woman on her own terms, she discovered it to be more an act of defiance than an affirmation of her true individuality. She hid her feminine confidence behind a tough, no-nonsense face in an effort to protect herself from being rejected. She’d done the yo-yo dieting thing to no avail, greatly disliked her body, and without fully realizing it had developed an attitude that kept people from getting close to it or to her. By the time she enrolled in Stiletto U, it all had begun to take its toll.
“I’m tired. Emotionally and mentally.”
After ending a two-year relationship, Cathy had been voluntarily celibate for over four years. “Honestly, I am not interested in sex right now. My desire is numbed to the point that it’s no longer a craving.”
Cathy had two goals for her semester. She wanted 1) to figure out and come to terms with her ideas on femininity and what it mean to be a woman; and 2) to learn the art of flirting, in hopes of improving her social life. I suggested that we add a third goal: becoming more comfortable with her body and her sexual self by exploring her sensual celibacy. Cathy wasn’t so sure. As she put it, “What’s the point?” Later you’ll see what she learned, and you’ll be surprised at how doing just one little thing on a regular basis changed Cathy’s entire attitude and her view of life.
ALUMNI TIP
“Definitely take your note-taking seriously. Don’t halfstep, because you’ll only be cheating yourself. After it’s all over, set your journal aside for two or three months and then sit down with it and reflect over what you’ve learned. Evaluate what worked, and whatever didn’t, go back through the assignments again.”
WHEN SEXY HURTS
—SAY HELLO TO GIGI
We never know what strength and revelations might be on the other side of our fears.
Now—last, but certainly not least—Gigi. Having won her enrollment as a door prize
2, Gigi decided to redeem it because she “felt called to have it.” She says, “I hope to open a door that’s always been closed to me and see where it leads.”
Gigi, in my opinion, has come the farthest of all the Stiletto University students I’ve had the privilege of working with. She came to Stiletto U resentful, hurt, and angry with the world, and with every right to be. Sexually abused as a preteen, her trust in men and sense of sexual self was brutally stolen. Gigi spent her teen years picking up weight and hiding her burgeoning womanhood behind it. When I met her at age 43, she had never had a relationship, intimate or not, was working an impossible work schedule, and was struggling to see her body, now nearly 150 pounds lighter, as a blessing rather than a curse.
Gigi, Class of ’09
Home: Illinois
Age: 43
Single
Personal Ratings (1–10)
Self-esteem: 4
Feminine Confidence: 0
Sexual Confidence: 0
Social Confidence: 5
What Brought You to SU:
I won it as a door prize. A lot in my life seems to be leading me to explore this previously taboo part of myself.
“My weight always defined me, and without it, I haven’t felt much definition at all, particularly as a woman, because I never felt like one before.”
On her entrance exam, Gigi described herself as “average and rumpled, intense and guarded.” Any attention paid to her previously invoked anger and resentment, and her interaction with men was driven by fear. Her social life, limited as it was, mainly revolved around her church activities. Gigi came to Stiletto U sick and tired of being mad at men and the world, but she had no idea how to change what she’d been feeling for her entire adult life.
Like Cathy (though for different reasons), Gigi was struggling to define what being a woman meant to her. And like Brenn, because she’d shut down her sexuality, she’d closed off her sensual side as well, cutting out much of the pleasure from her life.
“I don’t take the time to enjoy things that I consider sensual—eating a good meal, a nightly bath ritual, putting on satin pajamas—unless I am really mindful about it, because I easily get trapped in my head.”
Gigi also had mixed feelings about putting herself out into the world on a social level. While she described a woman who flirts as “bold, daring, and confident,” she viewed the ability to charm and flirt as “overrated,” and cited fear as the reason she was not more outgoing.
By keeping herself holed up and hiding inside big clothes and an impossible workload, Gigi had achieved exactly what she wanted: isolation from any chance of being socially and sexually available. After our first two sessions together, Gigi was able to admit that her current lifestyle was lonely and boring, and she was interested, if not quite ready, to make a change.
Working together, we identified several goals for Gigi’s semester: 1) to separate her sensuality from her unfortunately warped sense of sexuality so she could begin living life in Technicolor instead of the drab black-and-white version she was enduring; 2) to define and come to terms with what it means to be a woman and use her own definitions to boost her feminine esteem; and 3) to become more comfortable interacting on a social level, particularly around men.
Because of her past, Gigi was very resistant to any discussions about sex and sexuality. Much healing needed to take place before she was able to squarely look at herself as a sexual woman. At the next mixer, you’ll see what she learned about her sensual self and sexual energy, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how a simple compliment from a total stranger changed Gigi’s life forever.
ALUMNI TIP
“Participate full-out and move through whatever excuses come up. I found the homework and the experiences of applying the lessons to the real world the most helpful. Even if I didn’t do all of them, being mindful of the ones I did do, and showing up differently in the world, led to experiences from which I received either overt or covert feedback that was beneficial.”
Stay tuned. You’ll meet up with these alums and a few others in each semester unit and catch up on their progress so you can share their SU experiences and see what an impact living and loving sensuously has had on their lives.
