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Jeanne’s receptionist told Peter she was ready when he arrived, but now he sits alone in her office. He fidgets in his seat. Without Jeanne’s body lounging in the armchair across from him, the whole room feels artificial. He gets up and moves to the window. His therapist has a wide-angle view of gray pavement and white lines as far as the eye can see.
The door opens behind him and she slinks in. Her gorgeous eyes lock onto his and she smiles sheepishly as she moves to take a seat. “Sorry, I’m late.”
Returning the smile, Peter settles into the chair opposite hers. He spreads his hands wide across the smooth arms of the chair and imagines he’s stroking her bare calves. His fingers absently draw small circles in the upholstery.
She giggles. “You seem happy.”
Peter considers this for a moment. “I think I am happy.”
“Tell me about it.” Jeanne jots a quick note on the pad beside her. She’s probably writing today’s date and Peter’s name. Maybe she’s adding a smiley face and the word happy.
“I broke up with that woman I was seeing,” Peter announces. He looks at Jeanne with bold sincerity and hopes she understands what this means for them.
Her eyebrows shoot up her forehead. “What happened?”
He speaks with earnest intention. “I realized I was wasting my time with her. I didn’t care about her. She was just there. Even when I didn’t want her to be.”
The therapist gestures her understanding. “It’s good to know the difference between having a relationship that brings meaning to your life, versus someone taking up space. Often, people get lonely and fill their lives up with companions who don’t have substance, so they don’t have to invest emotionally in the relationships. It’s a foolish way to avoid feeling alone.” She looks at him with serious eyes. “That’s a huge step. I’m proud of you.”
Peter inches his knee forward in hopes she will touch it with reassurance. He aches to feel her fingers grip his kneecap. She leans back in her chair, busying herself with her writing. He reminds himself she has to keep a professional distance in the office. He can’t help but appreciate her dedication. He hopes she knows he’d never turn her in to the authorities over their relationship. He supposes the risk is too great for her to take, with the receptionist right outside.
“It upset her when I told her I didn’t think she was a viable partner.” He does his best to mimic Jeanne’s professional posture. Despite his outward attempt at looking sullen, Val’s distress doesn’t bring him an ounce of regret.
“I’m sure she was. Did you use those terms exactly?” Jeanne peers at him with curious eyes. “Breakups are difficult, especially if you’re on the receiving end.”
Chuckling nervously, Peter shakes his head. “No, I told her I didn’t think about her when she wasn’t around. I mean, the sex was wonderful...” His mouth puckers as he realizes how calloused he sounds. Jeanne keeps her therapist face firmly in place. “But the feeling was superficial. There wasn’t any...” he snaps his fingers, trying to think of the word.
“Emotional intimacy?” Joan offers.
“Exactly.” He bobs his head emphatically. “I couldn’t connect with her. It made it seem she wasn’t real. If I wasn’t in the mood to see her, she didn’t cross my mind.”
Jeanne shifts in her seat. The motion is stiff and measured. She rests her pen for the moment and her eyes look weary. “Do you find you often have problems connecting with people?”
He knows just what she’s worried about. He feels he should pacify any fears she might have about his ability to be there for her. “I don’t connect with many people. But when I meet someone who has depth, and personality, and understanding, my bond to them is unbreakable.”
She looks puzzled. “That’s quite a formal way to describe your emotions.”
Peter’s shoulders droop. “Maybe, but that’s the way it is.”
“I suppose it’s good we get along so well, then.” Jeanne’s mouth curls on one side in a partial grin.
“Seeing you is the highlight of my week, Jeanne.” He clears his throat, feeling unsteady. “I’d see you more often, if I could.”
She tips her head to the side, considering him. “Do you think you need extra sessions? From where I’m sitting, you seem to manage things pretty well.”
He scrunches his eyebrows together as he contemplates her question. Scheduling more appointments would allow him to see her more often, sure. But he doesn’t want to give her the impression that he’s having some kind of breakdown. Besides, now that his father is in the hospital, he’s compelled to spend more time in Salem. “No, I don’t think I do. I enjoy talking to you, is all.”
Her eyes glitter. She leans forward slightly. “I’m glad. That means I’m doing a good job.”