“Thanks for coming over,” Benjamin said to Luna as he let her in. She was dressed down in her civilian clothes, so she must’ve changed at the station before arriving, but her hair was still in a tight bun.
The bun mirrored the unyielding guard she had around herself as she perched on the sofa, looking more professional than personal, and it pinched at his pride that it seemed easy for her to shut the valve off between them when he was struggling.
No sense in beating around the bush. “I’m just going to come out and say it. Did I do something?” he asked. “Something had to have flipped your switch and I need to know if it was something I did.”
She assured him with calm sincerity, “You didn’t do anything, it’s...it’s that we’re getting too close, too fast.” Luna paused before sharing her concerns. “My judgment is becoming clouded when it comes to you and that’s not going to help solve Charlotte’s case. You have to understand, neither of us can let personal feelings get in the way of finding who killed Charlotte or else we would always carry that guilt and I can’t handle that idea.”
“Do you regret sleeping with me?”
“Yes.”
Ouch. “Why?”
“C’mon, Benjamin. Think about it. What we did wasn’t right or professional. I’ve never in my life done something like this and it’s eating at me. It doesn’t matter that you think Charlotte would be okay with what we’re doing, she’s not here to confirm that theory and whether we had her blessings or not, it feels wrong. We shouldn’t be enjoying each other’s company when Charlotte and her family are gone. When I’m with you, I feel like a terrible person because I shouldn’t be that happy.”
“Happiness isn’t a crime,” Benjamin said, trying to understand. “If anything, with cases like this you have to cling to whatever bit of happiness you can get because otherwise it will destroy you. Survivor’s guilt is something I’m pretty familiar with. Trust me, you can’t live in perpetual darkness or it will swallow you whole.”
“It’s more than survivor’s guilt,” she said. “It’s every level of guilt on the spectrum. When I’m with you, it’s too easy to slip into a relaxed state of mind and until this case is solved, that kind of sloppy behavior is how people get killed.”
It was more than guilt—Luna was afraid. He tried reaching for her but she stiffened and he pulled back. “No one would ever accuse you of sloppy police work, Luna. You work harder than anyone I’ve ever known.”
“And yet we’re nowhere closer to finding who did this and someone tried to kill one of us.”
“We still don’t know that’s what happened,” he said, trying to ease her fears. He’d keep the mystery drive-by to himself for the time being. “For all we know that could’ve been a bunch of stupid kids goofing off.”
“And accidentally shooting out a window?” Luna countered dryly. “Not likely.”
“You don’t know how stupid teenage boys can be.”
She didn’t argue that point but her frustration showed. “Benjamin, when you downplay stuff, it has the opposite effect on me. My gut tells me that was no accident, which only increases my anxiety that I’m no closer to solving the case than at day one. I can’t fail in this. I just can’t. I definitely can’t handle the thought of putting you in danger. If you would try to see things my way, you’d understand where I’m coming from.”
“I understand. I have a different perspective.”
“Which is?”
“Charlotte was a kind, genuine person. If she thought we could find happiness together, she would’ve been fine with us spending time together,” he assured Luna, but the crease in her forehead deepened into a more rigid frown as she shook her head. He tried harder. “I can promise you, Charlotte would’ve been fine with whatever is happening between us. She might’ve even been thrilled.”
Luna shook her head again. “But she’s not here and it’s not right that we’re snuggling, laughing and eating spaghetti like nothing horrific happened to her family. Don’t you see? It’s like bad karma or something to feel this good together.”
“I didn’t realize you were superstitious.”
“That’s the thing, Benjamin, you don’t know me at all. We’ve only been spending the last few weeks together, which doesn’t tell you anything about my past or my likes and dislikes or anything more personal beyond what we’ve experienced sexually together.”
“I want to know you better,” he said. “You’re a fascinating woman.”
“What would the point of getting to know me be?” she asked. “You’re not staying and I’m not asking you to stay. The reality is that all we’re doing is delaying the inevitable and the longer we play this game, the more deeply it will hurt when it ends. Benjamin, my life is already full. I don’t have time for additional drama, so it’s best to pull the plug now.”
He wanted to appreciate her solid points of logic and reason, but the fact that she tried to preemptively shut down what they were doing made him angry—or maybe his hurt feelings triggered his anger—but either way, his words came out sharp. “I never took you for a quitter.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You’re quitting because it might be uncomfortable when it ends? Why start anything if that’s your fear? All things end at some point. You can’t build a life with the fatalistic opinion that there’s no point in starting anything when it’s destined to end anyway.”
“No, I’m saying I don’t want to start anything with you because I know you’re leaving,” she returned, her eyes flashing with heat. “Look, I get it, being with me was a nice way to push aside the uncomfortable feelings that have inevitably bubbled up since coming home to Cottonwood but I’m not your emotional support dog. I have feelings, too, and I’d really rather not be devastated when the time comes for you to go back to Arizona.”
Benjamin throttled down his temper, taking a minute to breathe through the storm. She didn’t want to be hurt, which meant, like she’d said, she had feelings, too. That put a different spin on things. “Neither of us meant for this to happen but it did and I don’t regret it,” he said. “I don’t know what Charlotte would’ve thought but I’d like to think that she would’ve been okay with it because she loved us both.”
Luna conceded his point with a noncommittal shrug. “Yeah, probably,” she said, but added, “but she’s not here and it just feels wrong to be...happy.”
The mask dropped for a moment. Sadness and confusion conflicted with each other, and he wanted to reach out and hold her, but he didn’t. She had such a good heart and a solid moral compass, he could only imagine how this must’ve been tearing her up inside. “Charlotte would’ve been mortified to think that her best friend was stifling her happiness on her behalf. My sister was the ultimate romance cheerleader. She loved love and wanted people to find their soul mates. I used to tease her all of the time about her always trying to play matchmaker with all the wrong people.”
Luna’s grudging smile gave him hope. She shared, “She was so over-the-top when it came to trying to match people up in town. One time she thought Bonnie Turford and Nelson Hough would make a good match and she spent so much time and energy trying to throw them into social situations until it became embarrassingly obvious what she was doing and Bonnie and Nelson begged her to stop.” She chuckled at the memory. “As it turned out, Bonnie was gay but hadn’t come out yet so there was no way Bonnie would’ve ever looked Nelson’s way. We all had a good laugh about it later, though.”
He could see it. He didn’t know how given their childhood, but somehow his sister had been a romantic at heart. “That’s another reason I have a hard time believing that Charlotte would’ve cheated on Roger. He might not have been my choice for her, but she seemed head over heels for the guy.”
“She really was,” Luna agreed. “And he was for her, too. They were very sweet to each other. I don’t believe Brianne’s story about Charlotte and Scott Johnson. I think it’s exactly as Scott said—he tried something but Charlotte shut him down.” She sighed and sank into the sofa as if she’d used up the last of her energy for the day, sharing, “The other thing that’s been eating at me for a few days is that I can’t get past the brutality of what happened. You don’t imagine something so horrific happening to someone as kind and gentle as Charlotte and Roger. They were genuinely good people. Who does that? And the fact that they’re still here somewhere? Lurking? Watching and maybe even enjoying the trauma they’ve caused our community? It messes with my head. I have to find out who did this so it never happens again.”
The desperation in her voice tugged at his heart. He had to help, even though his way might be coloring outside the lines. Now was the time to share about Codi.
“I have something to tell you that you’re probably not going to like, but I think it’s our best chance to find what Roger was up to.”
Luna was emotionally exhausted, but Benjamin’s announcement grabbed her attention. “What do you mean?”
“A friend of mine I served with in Afghanistan works in the private sector in financial security. If I can get some personal information like Social Security, birth date and things like that, she can trace his financial trail.”
“She’s a forensic accountant?”
“Not exactly. She’s more of a sophisticated hacker who uses her talents for good rather than evil, but she knows how to navigate the tricky waters used by those trafficking the deep web.”
Luna was confused. “How can she help us track Roger’s financials? And how would we use any of the information if she manages to find something?”
“Okay, that’s the sticky part but we’ve got nothing to go on right now. We don’t even have a direction to head in. We need a light in the dark. Codi will get us that.”
Luna didn’t want to encourage Benjamin to do anything illegal, nor did she want to know anything about this Codi person breaking the law to find information. Still, sometimes you had to look the other way for the greater good of a situation. Detectives bent the rules all the time with confidential informants. How was this different? She warned herself that that was a slippery slope, but she was curious what his friend could find. Maybe if Codi found the right clue, they could follow up through the proper channels.
It was worth a shot.
She cracked a yawn. It felt good to be here, even though she ought to leave. Her stomach yowled like a cat in heat. Damn it, she’d forgotten to eat lunch again.
In true Benjamin fashion, he offered to feed her. “I’ve got some leftover Chinese I could heat up for you.”
The temptation to cave was the fuel she needed to stick to her guns. “I appreciate the offer but I should go.” If she stayed a moment longer, her willpower would crumble. It was already too enticing to fall back into the comfort of his arms and she was determined to see this through.
Benjamin didn’t hide his disappointment but he didn’t continue to press. It was contradictory but her feminine pride pinched when stopped.
But this was better.
As she reached the door, he said, “I have a favor to ask.”
She waited, listening.
“Tomorrow, I have to go to the ranch to find that stuff for Codi, but I don’t want to go out there by myself. I know it seems stupid but—”
“It’s not stupid. I’ll go with you,” she cut in quietly, understanding completely and feeling bad that she’d almost made him deal with it by himself. This wasn’t pushing a boundary, this was part of her police work. It was only right that she go with him. “What time?”
His voice sounded rough as he said, “Whenever is good for you. Does ten thirty work?”
“Yes, that’s fine. I’ll clear my schedule and we’ll head out there.”
He nodded, ducking his gaze, but not before she caught the sudden sheen in his eyes. They never talked about his grief. Luna knew it was there, but she wouldn’t appreciate someone drawing attention to her most vulnerable places either, so she didn’t bring it up. Maybe that was the wrong way to handle the situation.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said, forcing herself to leave and ignoring the pull to wrap her arms around his neck.
As she drove home, her thoughts came back around to a jarring realization.
What if the person who killed Charlotte and her family was hiding in plain sight?
What if it were someone no one would ever suspect?