After New Year’s came my least favorite time of the year. With the removal of the seasonal decorations, lights, and music, there were only the days of bleak, cold, gray winter to look forward to. Our crowd’s activities dwindled down even further as the weather grew too miserable to stay out for long, the college boys returned to school, and we who were left got busy studying for exams.
Exam time always brought tension to my relationship with Lenny. Because school was so important to me, I really wanted him to do what I thought was best for him—start achieving the good grades he was capable of getting. I had learned that it was useless to nag him about studying: he would only get mad at me, we would wind up having a fight, and it wouldn’t make him study anyway. But I still couldn’t let go of the issue completely. I tried to find more subtle ways to trick him into studying.
“I’ve got this big exam coming up at the end of the week, Lenny. I’ve got to study for it, but I also want to be with you. If you come up to my house and study with me, I’ll make it worth your while.”
There were two ways I had found to make studying worth Lenny’s while. One was to find some snack to feed him, which wasn’t too difficult since my mother kept the kitchen well stocked. The other was to get my brothers out of their room so we could do some making out while we were studying. Fortunately, to some extent, my mother cooperated in setting this up. She was so glad we were doing our schoolwork that she insisted my brothers stay out of the room and leave us in peace.
Of course, she also insisted that the door to the room remain open and that we sit on chairs while studying instead of on the much more comfortable beds. Still, we managed to steal some wonderful kisses together while keeping our ears tuned in to the sound of the loose wooden boards in the hallway that warned us if someone was approaching. At the first squeak, we would pull apart and look as if we were deeply engrossed in our work.
Despite these less than desirable studying conditions, I was able to keep my average above 90, as was usual for me. The day that report cards were given out, Ms. Morgan, my homeroom teacher, asked me to stay and talk to her after the other kids had left. I was a little nervous waiting to hear what she had to say until her smile assured me it wasn’t going to be anything bad.
“I noticed something very interesting while going over your report card, Linda. You’re a year ahead of yourself in most of your major subjects.”
“That’s because the school I went to before Tech had an advanced curriculum,” I explained.
“Well, whatever the reason, the point I want to make is this: With the exception of English, you’ll have finished all of your high school requirements at the end of your junior year. Of course, we do offer enough college level courses here at Tech so that you could fill a program for your senior year, regardless. But the way I see it, all you have to do is double up in English—taking both eleventh and twelfth grade English together each term—and you should be able to graduate at the end of next year and go right on to college.”
“Really?” This was an idea that had tremendous appeal to me. Graduating a year earlier would bring me one year closer to the time I could realistically consider getting married to Lenny. “That would be wonderful! How do I go about arranging to double up in English?”
“Well, I’m not even sure if they’d allow it here at Tech; I’ve never heard of its being done. But your case should be an exception. It would be a shame to hold you back for one class. Why don’t you go talk to your guidance counselor, Mrs. Eliot, and see what she suggests.”
As soon as I thanked Ms. Morgan for bringing the matter to my attention, I went straight to Mrs. Eliot’s office.
“Yes, I see what Ms. Morgan told you is valid,” Mrs. Eliot said, gazing at me over her bifocals, after studying my records. “But we have a policy here at Tech of no acceleration. Instead, we pride ourselves on the large number of college-level courses we offer. You could acquire a number of credits right here. Most colleges would recognize them, although you might have to take a proficiency exam to prove you knew the material.”
“Why should I do that?” I asked. “It makes more sense to graduate early and go right on to college. Then I don’t have to worry about what credits they’ll accept or taking extra exams.”
“It might make sense, but as I told you, it’s against Tech policy to allow early graduation. We can’t afford to start a precedent—if you accelerate, other bright students will want to as well. If graduating early is that important to you, I’m afraid you’ll have to transfer to your neighborhood high school. They don’t have our high standards and will probably allow you to graduate with minimal requirements.”
“My neighborhood high school?” That was Washington, the school where Lenny went. Even if he passed everything now, he was already so far behind it would take him an extra year to graduate, which meant we could go to school together next year. It would be the way I had always fantasized: Lenny and I riding on the bus together, having lunch together, maybe even having some classes together. I didn’t think I could get my parents to accept the idea too readily, but what if I could?
Lenny and I, going to school together. It would be wonderful!
I had spent so much time in Mrs. Eliot’s office that I arrived home much later than I expected to. I found Lenny waiting where we had arranged to meet in the back of the candy store. Billy was with him, and he was not in a good mood. Lenny started right in by getting on me for being late.
“Didn’t you tell me you were going to meet me here before three? Well, it’s after four now. Where were you? Partying with some of those creepy Tech boys?”
“Of course not!” I was hurt that Lenny thought this of me. “Something unexpected came up about my program, and I had to check with my guidance counselor. I’m sorry to be late, but it was really important!”
“Oh? And what was so important that it was worth blowing an afternoon alone together I had planned? My uncle was out today, which would have given us a rare opportunity to be together at my house—that is, if you had shown up on time!”
“Oh, Lenny. I’m sorry. I didn’t know your uncle was going to be out.” The opportunities Lenny and I had to be alone together these days were so few that we tried to take advantage of every one of them. “But listen to this: My teacher pointed out to me that I’m ahead in every subject but English. If they would let me double up in English next year, I could graduate a year early. Wouldn’t that be great?”
“I guess,” Lenny said in a tone that made me feel he didn’t think it was so great at all. I realized that this might be just one more example to him of how much better I did in school than he did, a situation he often found threatening. And maybe that was another thing that was putting him in a bad mood. He should have gotten his report card today, too. What if he had gotten another lousy one? “So, are you?”
“Am I what?” I had lost my train of thought.
“Graduating a year earlier. Will they let you?”
“Not if I stay at Tech. They have some ridiculously inflexible policy against it. But I could if I transfer to Washington.”
“Washington? You mean my Washington?”
“Of course. What do you think, Lenny? It looks as if you’ll be in Washington another year. We could have such fun going there together.”
His obvious lack of enthusiasm increased my fears about his grades. “I don’t know. It could create some problems, too.”
“Problems? Like what?”
“Like being around each other too much. Like getting in each other’s way and causing fights.”
“Like what happened with Donna and me,” Billy chimed in. “She was always watching me, checking to see if I was going to class, doing my work. I couldn’t breathe with her around. That’s why we broke up.”
“Oh, is that why you broke up, Billy?” I replied. “Somehow, I thought it was because you were mean to her and did violent things like ripping her coat. I guess I was mistaken.”
Billy didn’t like this remark at all. “Once again, Lipoff, your girlfriend is opening her big mouth. You’d better learn to control her before she gets to Washington, or I’ll guarantee you nothing but trouble. Good luck. You’re going to need it to deal with her!” He took a last gulp from his soda, then put the bottle down and left the store.
“Why did you have to talk that way to Billy?” asked Lenny, obviously further irritated by what had just taken place. “He’s my friend whether you like him or not.”
“It’s not that I don’t like him,” I tried to explain. “It’s that I don’t like the way he treats girls. And don’t think it doesn’t rub off on you, either. He stirs you up against me. Take that remark about your needing good luck to deal with me. What did he mean by that?”
Lenny busied himself dunking some french fries into a huge mound of ketchup he had dumped on his plate. The tension was thick between us. “Billy was referring to report cards,” he said finally. “He only has to worry about showing his to his parents. I’ve got to worry about my mother’s reactions, and I’ve also got to worry about your reaction!”
I got a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach as I realized where this conversation was leading. I took a deep breath. “You don’t have to worry about me, Lenny—it’s your report card, not mine. Why don’t you just tell me how bad it is so we can get this over with real fast?”
But Lenny wasn’t the type to get things over with fast. He made a big production out of sliding his report card out of his pocket and putting it, facedown, on the table. I reached for it, but he covered it with his hand. “Promise me you won’t get mad at me.”
“Lenny! Stop it! It’s this game-playing that’s getting me mad. Just show me the darn thing!”
He removed his hand and let me pick up the report card. It was even worse than I had feared. Out of all his subjects, he had only passed history and English. He had failed everything else, including gym!
I was stunned. I hadn’t expected this. “Lenny! What happened? You had a ‘C’ average at midterm. How could you have gone downhill so fast?”
“It was easy. Midterm grades came out before things really got bad at home. With my uncle there and creating constant scenes, it became impossible for me to keep my mind on school. I got so far behind in some of my classes that it didn’t even pay for me to be there. So I didn’t go.” He shrugged his shoulders and laughed.
It was that laugh that did it for me. “How can you laugh about anything so serious, Lenny? It’s your whole life you’re ruining! Are you too dumb to see it, or is it that you just don’t care?” Furiously, I stood up and gathered my books, ready to storm out of the candy store.
He grabbed my arm to stop me. “Hold on a minute, Linda! There are a few things I want to say to you before you go storming out of here. First of all, since this is my report card, I shouldn’t have to bother explaining it to you. But I do want you to understand something, so I’m going to try. Just because you find it easy to do well in school doesn’t mean that everyone else does.”
I sat back down. “I know that, Lenny. Some people aren’t as smart as others, or maybe they have learning disabilities or something. But that’s not the case here. You don’t have any problems learning what you want to know, and you’re every bit as smart as I am. If I can do well in school, you should be able to, too!”
“That sounds like it should be the case, but it’s not,” he stated. “You can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be me, Linda. Your house is nice and calm and normal. Your father goes to work all day; your mother has a part-time job and still manages to clean and cook for you. You might argue with your parents, but you still talk to each other like human beings most of the time. You don’t know what it does to you when each time you go home you know you’ll find somebody screaming like a lunatic, throwing things, breaking things, or pulling knives. You don’t know what it’s like to have your stomach always tied up in painful knots, worrying what to expect next.”
He took a deep breath. “Sometimes I feel like a caged animal. I tried disciplining myself to study, but I can’t seem to do it. My mind keeps focusing on the horrors that happened at home or projecting the next horror that’s bound to happen. I can feel this terror start to take over my body. The only way to escape it is to escape from what I’m doing and focus on something that’s fun. So I leave my house or I leave school. I go get something to eat; I shoot pool; I hang out with my friends. I block out the pain that’s eating away at my stomach. It doesn’t matter that I might be ruining my future by not doing well in school. The first thing I’ve got to do is get through the day; in fact, to get through these moments when I’m so full of turmoil I think I’m going to explode!”
He looked at me with eyes full of anguish. “Sure, it’s easy to see me from the outside and make the judgment that I’m doing the wrong thing; there’s no doubt about it. You’d have to feel what I’m feeling inside to realize I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances. And that’s something I’d never wish on you or anyone else—to feel what it’s like to be me.”
I tried hard to digest what Lenny was saying. In all the time we had been going together, I had never realized the extent to which the turmoil of his home life affected him. Usually, he would just make jokes about the crazy things that went on at home. I had been totally unaware that this could keep him from doing what he should in school. I had been judging him without knowing the facts.
I felt so guilty that I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. “I’m sorry, Lenny. I didn’t understand how tough it was for you. I’m not mad about your report card any longer, really I’m not. But something’s got to be done to turn it around for you in school. What do you think it should be?”
He sighed. “I’ll have to try harder, I guess. Keep out of my house more. Study with you in the afternoons. I’ll do better this term; I know I will. Especially if you’re going to be coming to Washington next year—that’ll really give me an incentive!”
“Good!” I said. But then I thought of something not so good. “What about the bowling team, Lenny? How are you going to get them to let you stay on it?”
“I’m not. I already got the notice that I’m being booted off because of the drop in my grades. Imagine! They’re letting Fran, who can barely throw the ball straight, stay on the team because her average is up there, and I get kicked off even though I’m the best bowler on the team. Well, I’m not going to let it get to me. It’s more important that I spend the time getting my grades back up, right?” He gave a questioning little smile.
I smiled back, clasped his hand, and gave it a squeeze. “Right!” I answered, for at that moment I believed he meant it. Besides, I loved Lenny so much that I had no choice but to accept his lousy report card. I certainly didn’t want to break up with him because of it. And if he could get through the next term without any major disasters, I was sure that things would get better once I started going to Washington with him.
That is, if I could convince my parents to let me go!