Jessie and I stayed together all that afternoon, giving each other moral support. At night, we got together with Kathy and Donna and some of the other girls in the neighborhood, and we all went out to a movie. I tried hard to have a good time, but I couldn’t help thinking about Lenny sitting in a movie in Queens with that Janice. Would he have his arm around her? Would he be kissing her? Would he be telling her how glad he was to have found her, to have broken away from me?
I worked myself into such a state with these thoughts that I was a total wreck by the time I got home. Thankful that my parents already seemed to be asleep, I threw myself on my bed and let the full extent of my misery take over.
And take over it did. Thoughts of how it had been when Lenny and I were good together flooded my mind. Pictures of the two of us—walking hand in hand through the park, sitting gazing into one another’s eyes in the candy store, making out in the hallway, being so much in love—came and went. I heard him say the wonderful things he used to say to me: how no girl had more depth or feeling or understanding than I did; how he loved to be with me more than with anyone else; even, what it might be like someday if we were married.
And then I thought of what he had done and said that obliterated the good things that had come before: the “I don’t care” look on his face when he told me he quit his job; stalking off and leaving me on the subway; going to the party behind my back; telling me he had met another girl who was better than I was and that he was taking her out from now on.
It was over. All the wonderful things that Lenny and I had had together were now in the past. In their place was a gaping void that stretched in front of me like an empty nightmare.
It was over. Icy fingers of pain grabbed the inside of my stomach and rose to my chest until I found it impossible to breathe. I gasped for air, hoping for relief, but there was none available.
It was only after what seemed like hours of crying into my pillow that I managed to fall into a fitful, restless sleep.
The pain was with me when I woke up the next morning. It got worse when I received a call from Jessie, informing me she had made up with Sheldon. He had already gotten bored with the Queens girls and had been waiting for her when she came back from the movies. He had promised her he wouldn’t go to those parties anymore. Lenny, however, was another story. Sheldon had told Jessie that Lenny was making out with Janice all evening long.
The thought of it made me so sick I couldn’t eat anything for breakfast. Naturally, my parents noticed and questioned me until, out of a need to talk to someone, I told them what had happened.
Surprisingly enough, they were sympathetic. After a few expected remarks like, “We knew that boy would only bring you pain,” they started trying to encourage me.
“You have so much going for you, Linda. Start seeing your friends again. Go out, have fun, and meet new people. You’ll find there are plenty of other boys out there if you only give yourself a chance. You might feel as if your life is over now, but there are wonderful things ahead of you. The sooner you make up your mind to forget that boy, the sooner things will start going your way!”
Although I was too miserable then to accept what my parents told me, their words made an impression. I stayed in the house, feeling sorry for myself, until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I realized I had to get out, to work off some energy, or I would drive myself absolutely insane!
Fortunately, the weather was beautiful outside. It was the kind of warm, clear, sun-filled spring day that ordinarily would have made me feel good just to be alive—if only I didn’t have this tremendous load weighing heavily on my shoulders. I decided to walk toward Ft. Tryon Park. It was so beautiful there; it had to make me feel better.
Lost in my own thoughts, I walked farther than I had expected. Before I realized it, I had come to the Cloisters, and since it was almost time for the concert to begin, I went to sit in that peaceful courtyard garden where I had once talked to Fran about going back with Lenny. I sat there, listening to the music, thinking of what I might have done differently to keep from losing him. “Hi, Linda!” a voice interrupted my thoughts. “What are you doing here?”
“Fran!” Startled, I jumped to my feet. While Fran and I hadn’t had a specific problem like I had with Roz, it had been months now since I had seen her. Our lives had just drifted in different directions since I had become so serious with Lenny, and she had gotten involved with dating different boys. “I’m here to listen to the music.”
“Oh. But where’s Lenny?”
I felt a fresh stab of pain. “He’s not here. We broke up.”
“Again? Well, it was bound to happen. The two of you are so different. Truthfully, I was surprised you stayed together as long as you did this time.”
“It was really good this time, Fran,” I blurted out. “We got so close; we went through so much together. I thought we would make it for sure. And then—and then—he found some new girl in Queens he decided is better than I am and dumped me like some worthless piece of garbage!”
“You poor thing,” Fran said sympathetically. “You still haven’t learned it’s better not to place so much emphasis on anyone. You’ve got to be your own person, be independent, date lots of boys. Then none of them has the power to hurt you. Look, I’m supposed to meet Roz and a couple of boys she knows from Fine Arts here. Why don’t you stick around and we’ll introduce them to you.”
“Roz? Boys? Oh, no—I couldn’t! I mean, the boys are for you and her; you don’t need me to interfere. And besides, Roz is mad at me.”
“The boys are just friends, so don’t worry about interfering with anything. As for Roz, she’s not mad at you, just at the way you removed yourself from us because of your all-consuming relationship with Lenny. Here she is now. Hey, Roz! Look who I found here—Linda! And she finally broke up with Lenny.”
I was relieved to see Roz smile. “Well, it’s about time you returned to the human race, Linda. Welcome back to the world!”
My initial reaction was to be angry at Roz’s words, especially after she had snubbed me in the subway. But, when I thought about it, I could see why she felt that way. When I was going with Lenny I got so involved with him it was as if no one else mattered. In a sense, breaking up with him did mean I was returning to the world, certainly as far as my friendship with Roz was concerned. Even though I didn’t like the way she chose to go about it, I realized Roz had only been trying to get that message across to me. With that thought, all anger melted away. “Good to see you, Roz,” I said tentatively.
“Good to see you, too,” she grinned. “Do you remember Peter and Julian?” She indicated the two boys who were standing behind her. “They came into Nick’s the night we were there with Sheldon and Lenny.”
“Right. The night Sheldon and Lenny acted like first class jerks,” I recalled.
We all laughed, and after that I didn’t feel like an outsider anymore. We listened to the chamber music concert together and then walked through the galleries of the Cloisters. Even though I had seen the artwork before, seeing it now in the company of Peter and Julian made a big difference. They knew so much about the history of the various pieces and the artists who created them; it made the medieval period suddenly come alive. It was so interesting, I hardly thought of Lenny the whole time.
* * *
Back in my own bed at night, the aching emptiness took over once again, and I cried myself to sleep. But I woke up Monday morning with a feeling of determination. As miserable as I was over my breakup with Lenny, I didn’t have to let it affect every aspect of my life. Take school for example. I made the decision to block out my unhappiness by concentrating as hard as I could on what was going on in school.
At first, it was a struggle. I would try to pay attention to what my history teacher was saying, but the Revolutionary War seemed like nothing compared to the war going on between Lenny and me. And Spanish made me think of all the times I had tried to tutor Lenny in that subject. It wasn’t until I got to math, with the moral support from Cesca sitting next to me, that I found I could concentrate on what the teacher was saying. By the time we sat down to lunch, at our usual table with Mike and Sandy, I was starting to feel a little better.
“Guess what?” Cesca announced before we even got our lunch bags open. “Linda finally broke up with Lenny.”
“Again?” Sandy asked cautiously.
“Uh-huh,” I nodded. “But this time it’s different. He’s found someone else, and I found I’ve had enough.”
“Well, if that isn’t perfect timing.” Mike grinned. He and I had become good friends this year. “This Friday’s the afterschool dance here at Tech, and I’ve asked my friend, Ralph, who goes to private school, to come along. I have a feeling you two might hit it off.
“Thanks, Mike. But I’m not ready for another relationship yet.”
“Relationship?” he laughed. “No one’s talking about anything serious like that. I just think we could all have some fun together. Keep yourself open, okay, Linda?”
“Okay,” I promised. And suddenly, I found myself feeling better.
All week long, Mike kept telling me about his friend, Ralph. Like Mike, Ralph had grown up on City Island. Although a part of New York City, City Island was like a self-contained small town. Ralph had a wise-guy personality and had gotten into trouble in the public schools. His parents had put him into private school so he would get more discipline.
I found myself listening to Mike’s stories with an interest that made we wonder about myself. Why did I find it easier to be attracted to boys who got into trouble than to boys who did the right thing? Was it because they were more exciting?
This certainly seemed to be the case when Mike told me that Ralph was going to sneak into Tech so he could attend the dance, which was supposed to be only for students of the school. My heart was racing with anticipation as Mike and I snuck down to a side entrance to let Ralph in. It was pounding with excitement as the three of us boldly strolled into the gym, where the dance was being held, as if we all belonged there.
It wasn’t until Ralph had blended in among the crowd of Tech students that I had a chance to really look at him. He was of medium height and build, and very cute, with dark blond hair and vivid blue eyes. I was intrigued by the way those eyes twinkled with mischief and the way his mouth curved into an easy grin.
“Ralph, this is Linda. Linda—Ralph,” Mike said, introducing us.
“Want to dance, Linda?” Ralph lost no time in asking.
“Sure, as soon as I catch my breath,” I gasped.
“Come on. I’m out of breath, too. We can be breathless together!” Ralph put his arm around me and led me out to the dance floor.
I put my head on his chest and could hear his heart beating as rapidly as my own. “Our hearts are beating in rhythm,” I said.
“What else would you expect?” he grinned. “It means we’re on the right wavelength from the start!”
I laughed. Ralph and I were on the right wavelength. I found him easy to talk to. He told me how he and Mike were friends since they were little kids, and that he had an older brother who lived at home and a sister who was already married. “My parents always told me I’m more trouble than my brother and sister put together,” he told me. “But that’s because they don’t understand me. I’m not bad—just looking for a little excitement!”
Although Ralph liked excitement, he certainly seemed a lot more stable than Lenny. His family was intact, and he was still managing to stick with school. Instead of telling me that other girls were better than I was, he had no problem showing that he was interested in me.
We got along so well that day that he asked me to come with him to a big dance at his school. It would be two weeks from Saturday, and Mike would be taking Cesca, so the four of us could go together.
I said yes immediately. Now I would have something to look forward to, with a boy I might be able to like. And this Sunday, I had plans to go to the Metropolitan Museum with Roz, Fran, Peter, and Julian. Even though there was no romantic involvement there, it was nice to have something like that to do with friends.
It showed me that even though I hadn’t seen Lenny since our breakup, even though I knew from Jessie he was still seeing that Janice from Queens, even though I still ached inside every time I thought of him, there was still hope for me.
With or without Lenny, I was still going to be all right.