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SECONDS AFTER THE SHOCK wore off the seniors began whipping out their phones, calling and texting, spreading the news of Gertie’s upcoming wedding. I glanced over at Ida Belle, standing still on the dance floor, reading a text. She looked up and nodded to me, then headed this way, Walter on her heels.
“I thought you said nothing was up,” Carter said.
I shrugged. “Maybe she has... needs. I can’t control Gertie’s hormones.”
From inside Gertie’s purse I heard the sound of a bugle blowing Reveille, indicating Gertie was also receiving messages. The second the bugle stopped, it would blow again. News traveled fast in Sinful. Gertie and Cliff ambled over to us, his arm around her shoulder.
“I’m a lucky man,” he said, smacking his lips on her cheek.
Gertie turned her face away from him. “Uh-uh, not yet. You don’t get any of this,” she said, waving her hand in front of her face and down her body, “until we’ve said our ‘I Do’s.’” She grabbed her purse from me and yanked her phone from it, reading the texts.
“Midge Allair has turned the birthday party into an emergency meeting of the Sinful Ladies Society,” Ida Belle said as she rushed over. “We have to go.”
Gertie nodded and removed Cliff’s arm from around her shoulder.
“Gertie, darlin’,” Cliff said, stunned. “You’re not leaving, are you? I thought we’d stay here and celebrate.”
“Sorry, Cliff, but Ida Belle and I have an emergency we need to tend to. We’ll meet for lunch tomorrow at Francine’s and make wedding plans.” She yanked out a piece of paper from her purse. “Meanwhile, fill this out. It’s an application for our marriage license. I have a friend at the license bureau who can rush it through without us having to wait that annoying seventy-two hours. If we’re lucky, we can have the wedding on Monday morning and honeymoon on my private Caribbean island by Tuesday.”
The application looked pretty official. Just one of my many talents.
“Do you always carry a marriage license application in your purse?” he said, examining it. A bit of worry crossed his face.
“Only since I met you. Let’s face it. We’re not getting any younger. And if something should happen to me, I would like to know I have someone special to leave everything to.”
The worry on his face disappeared. “Exactly as I feel, my love. You don’t know how happy that makes me.”
“Oh no, honey, the happiness will be all mine,” Gertie said as she reached up and pinched his cheek. “We’ll meet at Francine’s at noon.”
He stood there a little dazed. “Okay. I love you, baby.”
“Uh, huh.” Gertie grimaced as if she had a bad case of gas, her grimace ending in a burp. “I love you too... baby.”
He grabbed her and planted a kiss on her lips. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself. You’re just so damned...” He stopped, searching for words, showing great restraint not blurting out the word, RICH.
“There are no words, really,” he finally said. “Lovely, sexy, perfect... they come close. But no words have been created that are truly worthy of you.”
“Uh, huh.” Gertie pulled away from him. “See you tomorrow. The first day of the rest of our lives.” She joined Ida Belle who was rushing for the exit, calling back to me, “Are you coming, Fortune?”
“I’m the one driving,” I said to Carter.
He glared at me. “Private island?”
“Who am I to say she doesn’t have one?” I leaned in just out of habit to give him a peck on the cheek but stopped. It didn’t escape me that he leaned in as well.
Noticing my pulling back, he pulled back as well. “See you.”
As we rushed to my Jeep, Gertie wiped at her lips, smearing her lipstick. “I forgot I’d have to kiss him at some point.”
“How was he?” Ida Belle asked.
“Remember that alligator wrangler I dated once with the Tom Selleck looks and Pee Wee Herman voice?”
“Unfortunately, yes.”
“Cliff ranks a few notches below him.”
We drove to Midge Allair’s house. She was the recording secretary of the Sinful Ladies Society.
“I don’t get why an emergency meeting was called,” I said as I followed Gertie’s directions and turned on Midge’s street. “They all know what we’re doing to trap Cliff, don’t they?”
“We told twelve of them,” Ida Belle said. “The other four couldn’t keep a secret if they swallowed it and sealed their mouths with Superglue.”
The street was packed with partygoers’ cars, so we had to park several houses away. We hopped out of the Jeep and strode toward Midge’s house. A cat-shaped balloon with “Happy birthday, Lula Mae” written on it was tied to the mailbox.
Sixteen party-hat wearing members of the Sinful Ladies Society were jammed into Midge’s living room. I could instantly pick out the four SLS women who didn’t have prior knowledge of Gertie’s surprise wedding. They were the ones with shocked and grief-stricken expressions frozen on their faces.
Midge’s cat, Lula Mae, a scruffy, one-eyed, elderly Calico, sat on an overstuffed chair looking bored. Next to the chair stood a gift table piled high with presents and a birthday cake.
“Would everyone please take a seat,” Midge said. She too wore a party hat on top of her teased cotton candy white hair, as well as a few strands of colorful carnival beads around her neck. Her white T-shirt had been silk-screened with a photo of a much-younger Lula Mae, with two eyes wide open.
The Sinful Ladies took their seats in the rows of folding chairs that had been set up facing the cake and gift table. Ida Belle and Gertie joined Midge in folding chairs behind the table. I stood against the wall before being summoned by Gertie to join them in a fourth seat.
Soon all the women were seated. Midge moved the stack of gifts to one side, picked up a gavel and banged the table several times, shaking the gifts and cake.
“We interrupt Lula Mae’s eighteenth birthday party to call this emergency meeting of the Sinful Ladies Society to order. I now pass the gavel to our president and founder of the SLS, Ida Belle.”
“What’s she doing here?” A woman who looked to be about ten years younger than Ida Belle and Gertie pointed to me. “She’s not a Sinful Lady. She’s too young and she’s not even from around here.”
“Kitty has a point,” Midge said, shrugging.
“Fortune has been of assistance in several Sinful Lady matters the past few weeks,” Ida Belle said. “I say she stays.”
Gertie opened her purse and pulled out a small, wrapped gift. “She brought Lula Mae a birthday present.”
Midge beamed as she took the gift.
“It’s from Merlin, my cat,” I said.
“Oh, the little black kitty with the green eyes,” Midge said, cradling the gift to her chest. She looked over at Lula Mae. “Lula Mae, Merlin sent you a birthday gift.”
I swear I saw Lula Mae rolling her eyes. Or rather, eye.
Midge set the present on top of the other gifts. “Well, I see no harm in having an outsider here for this. And she has helped out the SLS the past few weeks.”
Kitty pointed her finger at me. “Everything in Sinful has changed since she came here. It’s probably her fault that Gertie is getting married.”
A couple of the women murmured their agreement. Midge leaned in to Ida Belle and Gertie. I leaned in as well. “Are you sure you don’t want to tell them the truth?”
“Telling anything to Kitty, Babs and Josette would be like taking out an ad during the Super Bowl,” Ida Belle said. “And Dotty would act so nervous at the wedding it might alert Cliff. It’s best some people find out later. When this is all over we’ll smooth out any ruffled feathers.”
Ida Belle stood to address the women. The murmurs died down and it was silent, except for the snores emanating from Lula Mae, who was taking a nap.
“First, I’d like to wish Lula Mae a happy eighteenth.”
“Yet you chose to go to the senior center dance rather than be here with us for cake and scotch!” Kitty hollered. “Perhaps our friendship doesn’t mean anything now that Gertie’s getting married.”
“Oh for heaven’s sake, Kitty,” Gertie said. “We told Midge we would be a little late to the party because we wanted to stop in at the senior center for a short visit.”
“And did you think to tell any of us that you were getting serious with a man and might marry him?”
“That just sorta happened,” Gertie said. “I met Cliff and we hit it off and... and...” The same gassy look crossed her face and she burped. “And I fell in love with him and he asked me to marry him and I said yes.” She grabbed at her stomach.
Another woman stood from the crowd, her face stricken, a tear rolling down her cheek. “And what does that mean? For us? Do we have to get married, too?”
“Of course, you don’t have to get married, Babs,” Ida Belle said. “Why do you think you’d have to get married?”
A woman with frizzy gray hair and party hat propped on the back of her head like a ponytail stood and crossed her arms in anger. “Well, this beats all! After my divorce, you two convinced me that I didn’t have to be overshadowed by another man if I didn’t want to. So, I turned down a marriage proposal from a man I met online. I said, ‘No, I want to be my own woman like Ida Belle and Gertie.’ Well, guess what? He won the lottery and has a condo on the beach in Hawaii that he now shares with his new wife. Thanks a lot!”
“How is that my fault, Josette?” Gertie asked.
“You made being my own woman sound so appealing! I could have been rich instead!” Josette plopped back down in her seat.
Another woman stood. Peach-colored teased hair topped her head. “May I address the Ladies properly?”
Ida Belle looked at Midge, who was taking notes. “Let the record reflect that Maud Palmer has the floor.”
“President of the Sinful Ladies Society. Madame Vice President and Madam Secretary,” she said, nodding respectively to Gertie, then Midge. She opened her mouth to continue but then stopped and sniffed, her face puckering. The odor wafted across the group as woman after woman held fingers to noses and wrinkled their faces in disgust. “Midge, honey, I think Lula Mae has some... issues.”
“She doesn’t do well with milk,” Midge said. “She loves it, but it doesn’t agree with her. But on her birthday, I allow her to have a little. I’m sure it will pass.”
Maud nodded and continued to address the group. “I think we need to trust our leadership. The SLS stands for self-determination, and if Gertie wants to spend the rest of her life catering to a man, cooking for him, constantly adjusting the toilet seat because he refuses to put it down, and cleaning his hair out of the bathtub, then she has every right to do that.” Maud gave a huge wink to Gertie. “I, for one, plan to attend the wedding. If I’m invited, of course.”
Several women clapped as Gertie stood. “Thank you, Maud. Of course you’re all invited. Maud’s grandson, Lady Lamé and his Divas from Down Under will be performing, along with Didi and the Comfort Shoes. And Ally will be catering.” She clapped.
“And she’s not accepting any wedding presents,” Ida Belle added.
Gertie’s face fell. “I’m not?”
I shook my head at her. “No, you’re not.”
“I could use a new toaster. My hair stands on end every time I plug it in.”
Ida Belle shot her an incredulous look. “I have two. You can have one of mine.”
Gertie sighed. “Fine. No presents.”
Ida Belle continued addressing the Ladies. “This changes nothing with the Sinful Ladies Society. We’ll continue as we always have.”
“Except without Gertie,” Babs said. “She’ll have to resign.”
“Resign?”
“Heck yeah, you have to resign,” Josette said. “If I can’t live on the beach in Hawaii tossing back mai tais, you have to resign.”
“Um...” Midge glanced at Gertie, whose bottom lip was starting to tremble, “Babs is technically correct. Those are the rules.”
A high-pitched squeal slipped out from inside Gertie’s throat.
Ida Belle picked up the gavel. “Let it be recorded that effective today, this twelfth day of July, Gertie Hebert is officially stripped of her membership in the SLS.”
Gertie gasped as Ida Belle slammed the gavel on the table. A tear ran down her face. I stood and put my arm around her.
“It’s just until the fake wedding is over,” I whispered, rubbing her shoulder. “Ida Belle had no choice. She had to make it look realistic.”
“I’ve never not been a Sinful Lady,” she whimpered, wiping the tear from her eye. “Even if it’s not real.”
Midge stood. “And now, time for cake! And after that I’ll break out the Scotch!” She took a book of matches sitting on the table and lit the candles of Lula Mae’s birthday cake.
While the women sang For She’s a Jolly Good Kitty to an old, one-eyed, gassy, sleeping cat, I held a sobbing Gertie in my arms.
* * * * *
WHILE GERTIE STAYED behind in Sinful making wedding preparations with Cliff, Ida Belle and I spent the next day paying visits to some of Cliff’s victims in Westlake and Mudbug, informing them of our plans. So far, we had convinced five victims to attend the wedding and confront Cliff.
“Who’s next?” I asked after we returned to my Jeep.
She looked down at her list. “Bernadette.”
They were all sad cases, but Bernadette was the saddest.
“I hope we can convince her to speak out.”
Ida Belle’s phone rang. She looked down at the display. “It’s Gertie. I’ll put her on speakerphone.” She tapped her phone and answered the call.
Ida Belle barely uttered “hello” when Gertie’s voice screeched, “If Cliff sticks his tongue in my ear one more time, I swear as God is my witness, I am going to cut it out with my butter knife.”
“Where are you?”
“We’re at Francine’s doing a cake tasting. He’s using the men’s room right now.”
“You have to refrain from cutting out his tongue,” Ida Belle said, leaning into her cellphone. “He’ll need it to beg for forgiveness when we haul his sorry butt to jail.”
“Hey darlin’, did you miss me?” I heard Cliff’s voice faintly.
“That was quick,” Gertie said to him.
“Is that Cliff?”
“Uh huh.”
“Remember, Gertie, you’re in love with him,” I said. “Don’t let on that you’d like to kill him.”
I heard what sounded like a sucking noise. Then, “Now, Cliffy, sweetie, you know I said no lip-to-lip contact before we’re married.” Her voice sounded cheery but strained. “I’m an old-fashioned, Baptist gal.” Another sound, this one on the slurping side. “Gah! Are you licking my ear?”
“Sorry, you sexy mama, but you get me so excited.”
“Cliff, I’m on the phone with Ida Belle.”
“I don’t care. I want the whole world to know what you do to me.” He must have grabbed the phone, because now his voice was clear. “Hello, Ida Belle,” he said into the phone. “I want you to know I love this woman.”
“Cliff!” Gertie was back on. “Hurry home,” she said, a pleading tone in her voice.
Ida Belle ended the call and put the phone back in her purse. “I hope Gertie can hang on until the wedding. I don’t know about you, but I’ll be needing a vacation after this mission. Maybe after Cliff is put away we can head on over to that beach house Marie owns in Tahiti.”
“Hmm.” Like that was going to happen for me. We may be getting rid of one predator, but I still had a hitman breathing down my neck. Sticking around close to home seemed like the safest bet.
Ida Belle touched my shoulder. “We’ll put one helluva disguise on you. That Ahmad won’t get anywhere near you, and if he does, I have a bullet reserved just for him.”
I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined putting my life in the hands of two women in their seventies, but I couldn’t think of any better protection than them.
We drove over to Bernadette’s and stood at her door. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the blinds part an inch. Soon she swung the door wide open. “I was hoping to hear from you.” A relieved smile formed on her face.
Over a cup of tea, we shared our plans with her. She grew silent. But the look on her face told me she was letting the scenario play out in her head. She asked for more details and we described the venue and the people we expected to attend.
“Once the minister asks if there’s anyone who objects to Gertie and Cliff getting married, you ladies will stand up and share your stories,” Ida Belle said. “Then I’m going to make a citizen’s arrest.”
“What happens if Cliff starts to run?”
Ida Belle smiled. “Oh, we’re pretty good at keeping bad guys from running. Then we’ll take him on down to the sheriff’s station.”
“What if they don’t take his crime seriously?”
“The deputy and I are... friends. He’ll take it seriously.”
“Oh...” Again, she was running through things in her head. “You’re close with the lawman?”
“Yes, but he won’t be at the ceremony, if that’s what you’re afraid of. You won’t have to talk to any law enforcement agency unless you want to.”
She smiled. “I’m not sure if I will, but I do appreciate you ladies taking a stand against him.”
Ida Belle took her last sip of tea and placed the cup back on the saucer. “None of this was your fault.”
“No, but it sure feels like it was.”
Although Bernadette assured us she’d consider attending the wedding, I had a feeling she was the type to suffer in silence, eager to put this whole chapter of her life behind her. We said our goodbyes and headed back to Sinful.