I slide to a stop outside the bridal shop, surreptitiously check armpits to make sure the lovely Debs is not going to refuse permission for me to try on my dress (though it is mine, so there must be some leeway), then throw the door open casually.
‘… and flame-throwers!’ Shouts Rachel.
I stop dead, and double check I’m in the right place, and also not hallucinating. I am, and I’m not. ‘Flame-throwers? Bloody hell, I’m only ten minutes late and you’re about to torch something!’
Rachel laughs. ‘You’re never going to believe this, Jane!’ She wraps me in a hug, then steps back. ‘Mikey has booked flame-throwers and thousands of white doves!’ She is jumping up and down on the spot and waving her hands about like a cheerleader.
I cackle. I can’t help it. It’s a bit like my hysterical reaction when she announced she was getting married. I couldn’t control the sound that just came out.
That comment has thrown me straight back to the moment when she told me where the wedding was going to be held. When the vision of the whole doves, thrones and Posh and Becks type thing had leapt into my head. ‘Sorry, God, I hope the two don’t get too close together?’
‘What?’ She looks puzzled, but Sally is laughing.
‘Ha-ha. Oh my God, flaming doves! It’ll be like having a flock of Phoenixes.’
‘They rise from the ashes, not get turned into them,’ says Maddie.
‘We’re ready for you!’ Debs is clapping for attention, and ushers Sally away towards the changing room.
I grab my phone. ‘You were wrong.’ I text Freddie. ‘This wedding has just got crazier!’ I add lots of doves and flame emoticons. Or at least I think they are, I’m always terrified of mistaking one for something else and sending a totally inappropriate one that will upset somebody. I might just have declared my love of barbecued duck.
‘Oh, bugger, sorry, I forgot my shoes!’ The beautiful satin shoes arrived a few days after we chose the dresses and are sitting in a box in my wardrobe. Miles away.
‘Borrow these!’ Debs smiles. ‘Size 5, isn’t it?’
‘I promise I won’t forget them on the day! It was just all a bit hectic, Andy came round and …’
‘Andy came round?’ Shrieks Rachel, Debs stops mid zipping-up, Maddie nearly falls over, as she’s in the middle of putting a shoe on, and Sal stares. Her mouth open. ‘Shit, you’re kidding?’ Rach leaps towards me, towing Debs with her, tripping up over Maddie’s other shoe and nearly landing on top of me. ‘To your place?’
‘Yep.’
‘When the hell were you going to tell me this!’
‘I am now.’ I steady her by the elbows. ‘It only just happened this morning.’
‘And?’
‘And.’ I shrug. ‘I realised what a knob he is.’ I really wish I could tell her about the look on his face when he saw Freddie, but I can’t. I can’t just blurt out what happened last night, can I? ‘He let Louie out!’
She giggles. ‘Oh, God, you must be so totally over him if you’re more bothered about the bloody cat.’ She high-fives me, laughing.
I try to look annoyed, but it’s hard. ‘He’s not a bloody cat, he’s my kitten. I love him, I’ll have you know.’
‘I know you do.’ She grins, I grin back.
‘I don’t want to rush you, girls, but dresses?’ Debs has shoes in one hand, my dress in the other and is looking flustered. She’s probably trying to rush us out before Beth and the projectile vomiting baby arrive.
This time when we line up in front of the mirror, it is different to the last time when we were hung-over, pale and pasty. This time we are not the cast from Shaun of the Dead, we look amazing. Even if I say so myself.
‘Wow.’ Maddie smiles back at me in the mirror. ‘We look pretty damned good, don’t we?’ She piles her hair on top of her head with one hand and does a twirl.
‘Fab.’ Rach slips into the gap between me and Sally, and links arms with us both. ‘You okay?’ She whispers in my ear as she squeezes my arm.
‘Yep.’ I am. I hadn’t realised until now just how much I’d been dreading this moment. This reminder of the last time Rach and I were dressed in our bridal wear for the final fitting – but last time she’d been the bridesmaid and I’d been the bride. ‘Really fine.’ There’s no empty, sick feeling at the pit of my stomach and it’s because my heart and head have finally come together and agreed that this is all about Rach, and not me. ‘Seeing Andy again made me realise what a bloody escape I had!’ Okay, I might never forgive his shit timing, but he did make the right move. For both our sakes.
‘Oh my God, this makes it feel so real! I’m so excited.’ She giggles nervously, clutching my arm, and I hug her close. And I hope with every bit of my heart that she’s going to be okay, that the secret I’ve been keeping from her for so long isn’t going to destroy everything. Rachel deserves the perfect day, she deserves to be happy, she deserves the perfect life.
‘Oh, Rach, me, too.’ I say the words softly, into her ear. ‘It’s going to be amazing.’ Because maybe if I say it, then the words will come true.
Our dresses fit perfectly, beautiful soft satin sheathes that slink their way down to our ankles. The high, wide neckline makes even my neck look elegant and long, and the cinched in waist somehow makes each one of us look like we have a perfect hourglass figure – even though we are all different shapes and sizes! They’re so classically simple and gorgeous, they bring a glamour that I could never have imagined.
‘We look so ladylike!’ Maddie giggles.
‘And sexy!’ Sally laughs as she spins round, to display the thin straps and plunging V. ‘Clever, eh?’
Debs has indeed been clever. Very clever. She’s given me an elegance I didn’t think possible, and carefully picked out different pastel colours that suit each of us perfectly. The soft green of mine brings out the colour of my eyes, lifts the colour of my hair. It’s so perfect it brings a lump to my throat, and as I look at the other girls I can see that despite the joking, they feel the same way I do.
‘Right, girls, out, out before you start to blub! We don’t want any nasty stains before the big day, do we?’ Debs is doing her best to herd us away from the mirrors and back towards the changing area, and we let ourselves be rounded up.
I’m dying to call Freddie and update him, but instead I send him another funny text. I am a tiny bit miffed that he still hasn’t replied, but I suppose he must be on the train, or a boat, or something. I’ll call him later. When I get home. Reassure him that Louie and I are coping.
The flat is eerily quiet when I get back. It never seemed quiet before, but now it does. I miss Freddie even though that’s ridiculous. I only saw him a few hours ago! And nothing has really changed, has it?
Freddie has never responded to my texts straight away, but I didn’t notice before because it wasn’t as important. We were just friends. That’s it! See!
Except as I scroll back through our exchanges I realise he did. Reply quickly. Almost instantly. And yet, now, after our friends-to-lovers shagathon, there is nothing. Zilch.
This is worse than after the first kiss, when it all got awkward. This is radio silence and it’s making me feel sick.
Maybe he’s lying ill somewhere? See this is the problem when you fall for somebody, suddenly every little tiny absence is magnified into a possible disaster.
‘Oh, Louie, I’m going to have to be a batty cat lady and talk to you! Louie? Louie?’ I rattle the cat biscuits and wait for him to come tumbling in.
Except he doesn’t.
Which is why it seemed so quiet when I came in.
The windows are shut, the door was firmly shut when I got back.
I open every cupboard, root in every drawer and even look behind the radiators.
He’s not there. Then I realise, neither is his bowl, or his food, or his favourite toy.
It’s then I notice the note, left on my pillow.
Taken Louie with me. Thought it would be easier for you! X
I scrunch the note up, hold it tight in my fist. Is this a sign that at the end of the day, all males leave me eventually, even my flaming cat?