THE LITTLE DEVIL STARTS IN AS SOON AS JESSE SPRINGS ME FROM the camper after he and Mr. Sanders come back from the red arrow motel. He don’t care nothing about you, he says. He killed Abby. He tried to kill you. You can’t trust him. He keeps spitting poison until I fall asleep in Mr. Sanders’s room. Ruins my hamburgers ruins my French fries.
I wake up thinking about Abby. When I recall what happened to her I feel like crying. I feel like taking a knife to Jesse and dusting him. Do it! the Little Devil whispers. I turn on The Brady Bunch to drown him out. Mr. Sanders is writing in his book. He says, Do you have to play it so loud? He’d best watch himself or I’ll off him too.
Soon as Jesse gets up he tells me to pack my bag we’re moving on. Stacking the little I have left in my grip steams me even more. There’s my cards but I want my checkers. There’s my dinosaurs but I want my sword.
We’re going to Seattle. They got Brakeman Bill there and JP Patches and Gertrude. The new car Jesse stole is a Galaxie. A galaxy is stars you need a telescope to see. I looked at the moon with a telescope. There’s a face on it. Sometimes the moon’s out during the day. What you call a Judas moon. Judas betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver. Jesse betrayed me for a piece of ass.
A&W ain’t gonna make up for that. Every time I look at Jesse I get mad all over again. He goes to pee and I slide over and start the car. Drive off, the Little Devil says, get away. Jesse comes back before I make up my mind. He yells at me in front of the waitress girl.
When we get going he makes me ask permission to turn on the radio. I do but ain’t ever gonna again. The Little Devil keeps talking over the music about revenge. The car swerves and Jesse says it’s a blowout. He tells me to come help him change the tire. I want to tell him to fuck himself but I’m scared. I remember him choking me. I remember fighting to breathe and not getting air and fighting to breathe and almost swallowing my tongue and fighting to breathe and forgetting how.
I’m shaking such I can’t hold the flashlight still. Jesse yells at me and the Little Devil’s yelling too. If a dog bites once he’ll bite twice, he says. Careful he don’t brain you with that wrench. I can’t think straight with all the noise in my head. When Jesse goes to put the jack in the trunk I walk up and get in the driver seat. That’s when the Little Devil takes over. It’s him who touches the one wire to the two to spark the engine. It’s him who puts the Galaxie in R and gives it gas. It’s him who runs Jesse over and drives off. Don’t look back, he says, keep your eyes on the road.
I don’t think about nothing but driving. I ain’t never done it alone before. You got to do all the concentrating yourself. You got to steer and work the gas and watch what’s coming all at the same time. The Little Devil goes back in his hole. Got nothing more to say.
I stop at the first motel I come to. Jesse’s wallet’s in the glove box and there’s money in it. The lights are out in the motel office. I knock on the door and ring the bell. A Chinaman answers grumbling about it’s late. I tell him I had a flat tire. He comes back with a key and says there’s no hot water in the room but it’s the only one he’s got on account of there’s a highway crew staying there. I say cold water’ll be fine.
The room’s on the second floor. I get my grip and Jesse’s out of the car and carry them up. I take the guns too. The room smells sour and there’s a bug in the sink. The television goes on but no channels come in. I get my cards out and deal two hands for Crazy Eights. It’s no fun playing myself.
I open Jesse’s grip and look through it. His shaving kit the photo book and them sunglasses Johona give him. I hear him telling me to leave his gear be. I hear me saying, Why? You ain’t got nothing anybody’d want to steal.
I stick his wallet in one pocket and one of the pistols in the other and go out on the walkway. The parking lot is full of pickup trucks. Past them is the highway and a truck stop all lit up on the other side. Alamo it’s called. Davy Crockett king of the wild frontier got killed at the Alamo. I draw the pistol and point it at the gas pumps. You close one eye to aim. Pow. I pretend this time but if Jesse finds me I’ll shoot him for real. I’ll practice till I can knock a bean can off a fence post till I can hit a silver dollar throwed in the air. ’Cause I’m sure he’ll dust me if he gets the chance. He ain’t never believed me about the Little Devil.
I cross to the truck stop. They got every kind of potato chips in the store there every kind of candy every kind of soda pop. There’s hula girls for your dashboard fishing poles and tackle and Wile E. Coyote belt buckles. They even got CB radios.
I pick one up and ask how much. The cash register man says, Seventy-five dollars plus tax. Does it work? I say. We wouldn’t be selling it if it didn’t, he says. Jesse’s wallet is fat with twenty-dollar bills. I hand the man four to make eighty. He gives me back one and some change.
There’s slot machines by the bathroom. Star Spangled Sevens. I hand the cash register man another twenty-dollar bill and ask for quarters. He gives me a paper-wrapped roll and ten dollars back.
I sit at the game and tap it three times. Three times for three sevens. It don’t work. I drop coins and pull drop coins and pull but the damn thing doesn’t hit. The cash register man comes over smoking a cigarette. Mind if I watch? he says. I tell him there ain’t much to see but he’s welcome.
I only got two quarters left when three BARS come up and some coins jingle into the tray. The cash register man says, I’d quit while you’re ahead, and I say, I guess you’re right, and stuff the quarters in my pocket.
I take my CB into the diner and sit at the counter. The waitress lady is as old and fat as Mama but’s got yellow hair. She calls me handsome when she brings the menu. How are ya handsome? I tell her to give me hotcakes sausage and scrambled eggs. And orange juice. A big glass not a little one. I ask if they got blueberry syrup. Better places got blueberry syrup. Nope sorry, she says, only maple but it’s just as sweet. She asks me, You with the road crew? No ma’am, I say, passing through.
I set my quarters on the counter and stack them four high. Four makes a dollar and I got four dollars and fifty cents worth. I ask the waitress what time the sun comes up. About five thirty, she says. What time is it now? I ask. She looks at her watch. Five oh five, she says. I shovel my food in and get back to the room when it’s coming light. I got to be more careful. I hang the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the doorknob. I make sure the curtains is shut.
There’s cartoons on now. Gigantor on one channel Bugs Bunny on the other. I put on Bugs but don’t pay attention ’cause I’m worried. It’s day so if Jesse ain’t here he ain’t coming. Could be he ain’t even looking for me. Could be he’s dusted. I wanted that when I was mad but I ain’t so mad anymore. He ain’t been all bad. I know how to do some things but not all of it. I ain’t never hunted. I ain’t never killed. Jesse always took care of that.
The dark where I see things comes. This time all it is is blackness. Blackness and me crying. Crying and saying no. When it lifts I’m shaking like a goose walked across my grave. Where am I gonna go? What am I gonna do? The only one I got to talk to is the Little Devil and all he does when I ask is belch.
I feel like if I don’t do something good I’ll do something bad. I take my CB radio out of the box and set it on the bed. I turn the knobs and nothing happens. It’s got a book of how to work it but the letters are too small and the pictures don’t make sense.
I pick up the microphone and press the button. Breaker breaker this here’s the Wolfman, I say, come back good buddy. I press the button again. This here goes out to Jesse, I say, I know it was your mama’s favorite. And then I sing.
Oh let me die in winter
When the night hangs dark above
And cold the snow is lying
On bosoms that we love
Ah! May the wind at midnight
That bloweth from the sea
Chant mildly, softly, sweetly
A requiem for me