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What Must I Do to Lead Myself Successfully?
When we began talking to my Twitter followers, Facebook fans, and John Maxwell Team coaches about the importance of questions, and we asked them to give me leadership questions that they wanted answered, we were flooded with questions related to self-leadership. We got more on this subject than any other. The next-largest category had less than half as many questions. Why so many? I think many people understand intuitively that if you can’t lead yourself effectively, everything else in your life will be a struggle.
Self-leadership comes first. It makes every other kind of leadership possible. In The 5 Levels of Leadership, I explain that the Level 1 Position is the lowest level of leadership, the entry level. People on that level of leadership try to use their title and their rights to get others to follow them, rather than trying to develop genuine influence. But for even that lowest of leadership levels to remain valid, it must be built on a solid foundation of self-leadership. That’s where personal credibility is established.
As you read through this chapter, I encourage you to think about how well you lead yourself—even if you are a seasoned high-level leader. Some of the challenges you face may come from the way you lead yourself. You may attribute them to someone or something else, when you actually need to look at yourself as the source. And as you’ll see from the first question, no one is immune from this problem.
1. Why Does Leading Myself Seem More Difficult than Leading Others?
One of the reasons we have such difficulty leading ourselves is that we have blind spots preventing us from seeing where we have problems and fall short. My friend Larry Stephens recently sent me an e-mail on this subject. He wrote,
It’s my perception that almost everyone has a blind spot. Watching the news and reading the WSJ in particular [I’ve noticed] there have been so many leaders in recent years that have been cut down by what may have been their blind spot. They just somehow didn’t see it coming.… It’s my perception that TBS [the blind spot] defies a single definition or category. A character flaw might be a blind spot, but not necessarily so. It might be an addiction, a weakness, ego, innocence, failure to pay attention to details, but then it might not be any of them at all.
What are blind spots? They are areas in which people continually fail to see themselves or their situation realistically. Everybody has some; few people recognize their own. In fact, that was the first lesson they taught in a counseling course I took in college. We see others more clearly than we see ourselves. Why? Because we see ourselves by our intentions. That often gives us a false impression of who we are or what we do. We give ourselves the benefit of the doubt because we put things into context. On the other hand, we see others in light of their actions. For that reason we seem to be more objective when judging them.
What are blind spots? They are areas in which people continually fail to see themselves or their situation realistically.
While blind spots cause all people problems, they can be especially harmful in leaders. Because leaders influence others and their actions affect a team’s, department’s, or organization’s outcomes, the problems that come from their blind spots are exaggerated. Their blind spots have a multiplying effect on the people in their sphere of influence.
To lead yourself successfully, you must identify your blind spots and deal with them effectively. To help you do that, I want to talk about the four most common and destructive blind spots among leaders:
1. A Singular Perspective
I must admit that this was one of my blind spots early in my career. My attitude could have been summed up by the motto “Save time—see it my way!” My opinions were strong and I always thought I was right. What I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t practicing good leadership when I tried to force people to see things my way, because I alienated people. Equally bad was that I was missing out on valuable input from others who had something to contribute. As Larry Stephens says, “If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” I was the hammer and everyone else was a nail.
Having too singular a perspective might be a problem for you if…
• No matter how a conversation begins, you end up talking about your favorite subject. People with a singular focus tend to turn the conversation to their favorite subject and can be very creative about getting there—even when others see no logical connection.
• You keep giving the same speech, lecture, or piece of advice over and over again. If you’re overly focused on a single concern, you may keep coming back to your favorite bit of advice and not even be aware of it.
• You are always right. Nobody is always right—on any subject. If you think you are, your focus is too narrow and you aren’t even aware of it.
Instead of viewing everything from such a singular perspective, effective leaders make an effort to see things from different points of view. They are like Art Mortell, who noted, “I love playing chess. Whenever I’m losing at chess, I consistently get up and stand behind my opponent and see the board from his side. Then I start to discover the stupid moves I’ve made because I can see it from his viewpoint. The salesperson’s challenge is to see the world from the prospect’s viewpoint.”14 That’s the leader’s challenge too.
One of my favorite stories about perspective involves a general and a young lieutenant on a train in England after World War II. The only seats available to them were across from a beautiful young woman and her grandmother. After they had been riding awhile, the train went through a long tunnel where everyone was in total darkness for about ten seconds. In the silence the four passengers heard two things: a kiss and a slap.
Everyone had their own perceptions as to what had happened.
The young lady thought to herself, “I’m flattered that the lieutenant kissed me, but I’m terribly embarrassed that Grandmother hit him!”
The grandmother thought, “I’m aggravated that he kissed my granddaughter, but I’m proud she had the courage to defend her honor!”
The general thought, “My lieutenant showed a lot of guts in kissing that girl, but why did she slap me by mistake?”
The lieutenant was the only one on the train who really knew what had happened. In those moments of darkness he had the opportunity to both kiss a pretty girl and slap a general.
2. Insecurity
Insecure leaders continually think of themselves first. They worry about what others think of them. They fear that they may look weak or foolish or insignificant. Insecure leaders take more from people than they give. Because they feel they are less, they seek validation more. As a result, their teams and organizations suffer because others’ best interests are overlooked in favor of the insecure leader’s best interests.
Insecure leaders also limit their best people. They have a difficult time seeing others rise because it threatens them. And they cannot genuinely celebrate the victories won by others because they are often jealous. Giving others their due makes them feel like less.
Because insecurity is often hidden in a blind spot, leaders often don’t recognize it in themselves. How do you know if insecurity is a problem for you? Answer the following questions:
• Do you have a hard time giving credit to others? Insecure people need credit, so it irks them to share it. Industrialist Andrew Carnegie noted, “No man will make a great leader who wants to do it all himself or get all the credit for doing it.”
• Do you keep information from your staff? Withholding information is withholding trust. It’s protecting your position. In contrast, when you give others information, you empower them. You communicate your trust and confidence in them.
• Do you try to keep your staff away from good leaders? If you worry that a good leader will “steal” your people, that is a sign of insecurity.
• Are you threatened by the growth of others? If it bothers you when others grow in knowledge and position, you may be an insecure leader.
• Do you often micromanage others? Insecure leaders want to have tight reins on everyone and everything. They may say they do it to ensure the outcome, but deep down they also desire to take credit for everything.
In the end, insecure leaders limit their people and their organization. As French novelist Honoré de Balzac observed, “Nothing is a greater impediment to being on good terms with others than being ill at ease with yourself.”
“Nothing is a greater impediment to being on good terms with others than being ill at ease with yourself.”
—Honoré de Balzac
3. An Out-of-Control Ego
Another major blind-spot area for leaders is ego. English artist and critic John Ruskin said, “Pride is at the bottom of all great mistakes.” I don’t know about all, but it sure creates many problems. Egotistical leaders believe they know it all. They believe others are inferior to them. And they often think the rules don’t apply to them.
“Pride is at the bottom of all great mistakes.”
—John Ruskin
Egotistical leaders are usually rigid and closed-minded. They are out of touch with their clients and employees, they blame others when anything goes wrong, and they live in a state of denial. Their only positive quality is that they don’t talk about others—because they never think about anyone but themselves.
Here are some warning signs that you might be an egotistical leader:
• Do you think no one else can do a job as well as you can? Egotistical leaders believe they are indispensible.
• Are others always to blame when things go wrong? Leaders with ego issues refuse to accept responsibility for wrongdoing, and place the blame on others.
• Do you disregard the ideas of others? Egotistical leaders dismiss others’ ideas as inferior to their own.
• Do other people often feel put down by you? The superior attitude and insensitivity of egotistical leaders often makes other people feel insulted or dismissed.
Egotistical leaders don’t look for input or answers from anyone other than themselves.
4. Weak Character
When you ask most people what it takes to be successful, they list talent, opportunity, and hard work as the primary ingredients. While those things are essential, so is character. Why? Character protects your talent. With character, all those other attributes help a leader to be successful. Lack of character is a deal-breaker when it comes to leading yourself or others. Character is the sum total of all our everyday choices. It is putting right values into action every day. It’s consistency of values, ideals, thoughts, words, and actions.
If you suspect that character weaknesses may be holding you back, note your answers to these questions:
- Do you often miss deadlines?
- Do you make vows, resolutions, or decisions to change and then go back to your old behavior?
- Do you place more importance on pleasing others than you do on maintaining the values you espouse?
- Are you willing to shave or shade the truth in order to get out of a tough spot?
- Do you do what’s easiest, even when you know it’s not what’s best?
- Do others show reluctance to trust you?
If you answer yes to any of these questions, there may be areas of your character that need some work.
In his book American Scandal, Pat Williams tells the story of Mahatma Gandhi’s trip to England to speak for Indian independence before Parliament. Gandhi had often been threatened, arrested, and jailed because of his outspokenness, but that didn’t silence him. Before Parliament, Gandhi spoke eloquently and passionately for nearly two hours, after which the packed hall gave him a standing ovation.
Afterward a reporter asked Gandhi’s assistant, Mahadev Desai, how the Indian statesman had been able to deliver such a speech without any notes.
“You don’t understand Gandhi,” Desai responded. “You see, what he thinks is what he feels. What he feels is what he says. What he says is what he does. What Gandhi feels, what he thinks, what he says, and what he does are all the same. He does not need notes.”
When values, thoughts, feelings, and actions are in alignment, a person becomes focused and his character is strengthened. That allows a leader to lead himself successfully.
2. What Gives a Leader Sustainability?
The question itself implies that leaders don’t always last. They get tired. They get off track. They become discouraged. They lose momentum. All those things are true, because leadership isn’t easy.
Every day, leaders must wake up and lead themselves before they lead anyone else. Because other people are depending on them, they must keep the fire burning within themselves. They must know where they’re going, know why they’re going, and help others get there. To stay energized and on course, leaders can sustain themselves by tapping into four areas:
1. Passion
Passion gives you two vital leadership characteristics: energy and credibility. Pioneering aviator Charles Lindbergh said, “It is the greatest shot of adrenaline to be doing what you have wanted to do so badly. You almost feel like you could fly without the plane.” When you love what you do and do what you love, others find it inspiring. How many people do you know who became successful at something they hate?
Columnist Whit Hobbs wrote, “Success is waking up in the morning, whoever you are, wherever you are, however old or young, and bounding out of bed because there’s something out there that you love to do, that you believe in, that you’re good at—something that’s bigger than you are, and you can hardly wait to get at it again today.” That’s what passion does for a leader.
2. Principles
Successful leaders stay true to their principles—to their beliefs, gifts, and personality. They don’t try to lead in a style that does not suit who they are. If they ask themselves, “Is my leadership style comfortable and does it reflect who I truly am?” they can answer with a resounding yes!
It takes time for leaders to know themselves. People often ask me about my communication style, and I let them know it took me eight years to find my way and become myself onstage. It’s also taken me time to develop my leadership style. But I can only be at my best when I am being true to myself. The better you know yourself and the more true you are to yourself, the greater your potential for sustainable success.
3. Practices
Nearly anyone can achieve flash-in-the-pan success. We all get lucky from time to time. But if we want to sustain success—as an individual or a leader—we need to implement right and regular practices that help us to do the right thing day after day.
Successful people do daily what unsuccessful people do occasionally. They practice daily disciplines. They implement systems for their personal growth. They make it a habit to maintain a positive attitude. At the very least, these things keep their personal momentum going. At their very best, they make every day a masterpiece.
4. People
The final factor in sustainability for leaders is the team. The people around you will either wind you up or wear you down. Ideally everyone would lead a great team, have fantastic friends, maintain a strong inner circle, and possess a loving family. Many leaders don’t have all these. If that’s the case for you, don’t be discouraged. Even if you have only one person in your corner cheering you on, you can still lead successfully. Meanwhile, work to bring positive supportive people around you. Look for…
- Believers: People who believe in you and your vision.
- Achievers: People who contribute to the team with excellence.
- Conceivers: People who bring good ideas to the table.
- Relievers: People who complement your skills and abilities.
The people around you will either wind you up or wear you down.
I believe that no leader ever needs to burn out. There have been many times in my life when I’ve gotten tired or frustrated or discouraged. But I’m sixty-six years old, I’ve been leading for more than forty years, and I’m still excited every day about life’s endless possibilities. You can be too. Just remember to tap into your passion, stay true to your principles, implement the right practices, and surround yourself with the right people.
3. What Are the Most Important Values for a Leader?
All individuals have to decide what values they will embrace, what they will live for, what they would die for. Those values come from their core beliefs and their faith. I won’t address those here, because I believe you must wrestle them down personally. Instead I’ll talk about the leadership values that I believe are most important.
Servanthood: Leading Well Means Serving Others
People want to lead for many reasons. Some want power. Others seek riches. Many are driven by an ideology or a desire to change the world. I believe the only worthy motivation for leadership is a desire for servanthood. I love what Eugene B. Habecker writes in The Other Side of Leadership:
The true leader serves. Serves people. Serves their best interests, and in so doing will not always be popular, may not always impress. But because true leaders are motivated by loving concern, rather than a desire for personal glory, they are willing to pay the price.15
If you want to lead others but you are unwilling to serve people, I think you need to check your motives. If you are willing to embrace servanthood, not only will you become a better leader, you will help your team, help the people your team serves, and make the world a better place.
Purpose: Let Your Why Direct Your What
I believe that success comes from knowing your purpose in life, growing to your maximum potential, and sowing seeds to benefit others. If you miss any one of those three things, I don’t think you can be genuinely successful. I also know that you cannot achieve the second and third parts fully without first discovering the first. You can’t grow to your potential if you don’t know your purpose. And if you don’t know why you’re on this earth and you are not able to improve in that purpose to the best of your ability, you’ll be very limited in the ways you can help others.
I answer questions about discovering your purpose in chapter nine, so I won’t go into that here. I’ll just say that once you understand your purpose, you need to prioritize your life according to that purpose. If you don’t, you’ll continually get off track and you may never feel a real sense of fulfillment and completion.
Integrity: Live the Life Before You Lead Others
Too many leaders are like bad parents. They do whatever they want and tell the people they are supposed to be leading, “Do as I say, not as I do.” That doesn’t work in parenting or in leadership. Why? Because people do what people see!
Great teams are made up of people with diverse skills. But when it comes to values, habits, disciplines, and attitudes, there needs to be unity. That starts with the example set by the leaders. If the leaders are undisciplined, the people will follow suit. If they come to work late, fail to hit their budgets, do sloppy work, waste time, and treat people poorly, guess what their people will do?
When you become a leader, you must focus more on your responsibilities than on your rights. You must raise your standards. You must do more than you expect of others. If you live the life first and lead well, others will respect you. And the chances are good that they will be willing to follow you.
When you become a leader, you must focus more on your responsibilities than on your rights.
Relationships: Walk Slowly Through the Crowd
Leadership impact is drawn not from position or title but from authentic relationships. How do you develop authentic relationships? You live with authenticity. You treat people with kindness and respect. And you go to where they are to connect with them.
A lot of leaders wait for their people to come to them. They assume that people will come to them if they need or want something. But good leaders don’t think that way. Effective leaders initiate. They communicate vision. They seek out opportunities. They start initiatives that will benefit the organization. And they initiate with people too. They know that they will never possess what they are unwilling to pursue. They want good relationships with the people who work with them, so they seek those people out. They ask them questions. They learn who they are. They offer assistance. They find ways for them to succeed. If you want to become a better leader, become highly relational.
Renewal: Replenish Yourself Daily
Life is demanding. People are demanding. The more you lead and the more you succeed, the more others will expect from you. If you don’t make an effort to replenish your energy, feed your soul, and renew your mind, you will run out of gas. Replenishing yourself requires your attention. You have to be intentional about it.
Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, called this “sharpening the saw” and described it as “preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have—you. It means having a balanced program for self-renewal in the four areas of your life: physical, social/emotional, mental, and spiritual.”16
Certainly there are other important values for leaders, but these are the ones I put at the top of my list. I encourage you to examine your own core beliefs and decide which values are most important to you.
4. What Is the Most Effective Daily Habit for Any Leader to Develop?
If you could cultivate only one habit to practice every day of your life, I believe it should be this: giving more than you receive. I say that because having a giving mind-set has so many benefits:
Giving Acknowledges That Others Have Helped Us
No one succeeds in life on his own. Every one of us has been helped along the way by other people. When we give to others, we acknowledge that by paying it forward.
Giving Requires Us to Get Beyond Ourselves
When your mind-set is to give more than you take, it forces you to think of others more than of yourself. You have to pay attention to others and what they want. You have to figure out how to give it to them. These things shift your focus from yourself to others. That very fact makes you less selfish.
When your mind-set is to give more than you take, it forces you to think of others more than of yourself.
Giving Is by Nature Intentional
People rarely give by accident. They must make an effort to give. It is an act of will. That intentionality grows us and makes us more proactive—important qualities for leaders.
Giving Changes the World—One Person at a Time
What would the world be like if everyone tried to give more than he or she took? People would change. It’s difficult for a healthy person to keep receiving from others without giving something back. Out of abundance comes generosity. Give generously to others without the hope of return, and the person receiving is changed and wants to pass it on. Once you have the mind-set of giving, the more you receive, the more you want to give. It becomes a positive cycle. As it spreads, not only do individuals change, but so do communities.
What does this have to do with leadership? How do you respond to people who give? How do you respond to generous leaders? Don’t their actions make you want to give back, work harder, do your best? I know that’s what they do for me. If you become a generous leader who always strives to give more than you receive, you will create a positive team and organization that others will always want to be a part of.
5. How Does One Change One’s Heart to Increase the Desire to Add Value to and Serve Others?
I understand that not everyone is a people person. I’m an extrovert and I have always enjoyed being around people. So I went into leadership loving people, but I was pretty naïve. When I hired my first staff member, I loved him and mentored him and poured myself into him. Everything seemed great, and I figured we would ride into the sunset together like the Lone Ranger and Tonto. But then he violated some major leadership trust issues and I had to fire him.
That was really hard for me. And to be quite frank, it really hurt and I felt sorry for myself. I remember thinking, How could this happen? How could he do this to me?
That’s when I made a decision: the next time I hire people, I will not let them get close to me. I’ll give them jobs, let them know what I expect, and keep my distance. I’ll tell them, “You do your job, and I’ll do my job. See you in December at the Christmas party.” And that’s what I did. The next time I hired a staff member, I laid out my expectations in clear cold language and turned him loose. I left him alone for six months. And the good news was that he never hurt me. But the bad news was that he never really helped me either.
You can’t be an effective leader by keeping people at arm’s length. You can’t mentor them if you aren’t close to them. You can’t add value if you don’t know what they value. And they won’t ever go the extra mile for a leader who doesn’t care about them.
I learned that at age twenty-five. And that’s when I made a different choice: I will open my heart to people and try to love them unconditionally. That has caused some of the greatest hurts in my life. It has also created some of my greatest joys.
So the bottom-line answer to the question about changing your heart toward people is that it is a choice. You must decide to love people and be authentic and vulnerable with them. You must choose to let them into your life so that you can add value to them and they can add value to you.
I believe that such a decision will lead to many more wins than losses, both personally and professionally. Once you’ve been part of a team in which people give not just their minds but also their hearts, you won’t ever want to go back. You’ll always want to be open with people.
6. If I Am Reaching Goals and Achieving Success, Why Should I Take Care of Developing Myself as a Leader?
Growth is the great separator of those who succeed long term from those who do not. As time goes by, the gap that separates those who grow intentionally and those who don’t widens. If you’re young now, you may not see a gap. As you age, you will.
Growth is the great separator of those who succeed long term from those who do not.
Warren Bennis and Burt Nanus observed, “It is the capacity to develop and improve their skills that distinguishes leaders from followers.” So the short answer is that if you want to be a leader, you need to keep growing. What got you to where you are today will not get you to where you want to go tomorrow. You must grow into your tomorrows. The choice is yours whether or not you will.
I love the way Chuck Swindoll expresses this idea. He writes,
A piano sits in a room, gathering dust. It is full of the music of the masters, but in order for such strains to flow from it, fingers must strike the keys… trained fingers, representing endless hours of disciplined dedication. You do not have to practice. The piano neither requires it nor demands it. If, however, you want to draw a beautiful music from the piano, that discipline is required.…
You do not have to pay the price to grow and expand intellectually. The mind neither requires it nor demands it. If, however, you want to experience the joy of discovery and the pleasure of plowing new and fertile soil, effort is required.
Light won’t automatically shine upon you nor will truth silently seep into your head by means of rocking-chair osmosis.
It’s up to you. It’s your move.17
Do you want to be ready for the next opportunity when it comes? When it arrives, it will be too late to prepare. The time to get ready is now.
My friend Dan Reiland understood this. When he started working at Skyline Church in San Diego, he was in his twenties. Though Dan was dedicated to growth, he could see that many of his friends and colleagues in their twenties were not growing. He could see that it would catch up with them when they reached their thirties. If they didn’t change, many would experience midlife crises in their forties and fifties. So Dan did something about it. He started a yearlong leadership and mentoring process called Joshua’s Men. He has invested in leaders and helped them learn to grow for over thirty years. Literally hundreds of people have learned from him.
You don’t know what life will throw at you. You will face tragedies and opportunities. How do you know you will be ready for them? Grow today.
7. How Do You Lead with Humility When in the Tough Corporate World It’s Viewed as a Weakness?
I think this question reveals a misconception about the corporate world. People in business don’t automatically see humility as weakness. They see weakness as weakness—weakness in preparation, skills, work ethic, etc. People who achieve at a high level of excellence can smell weakness.
That brings up the question of what humility is. Humility doesn’t mean being weak. It just means thinking of yourself less. It means being realistic and grounded. It means valuing others and their contributions. People like working with a leader with those characteristics. I think the research of Jim Collins in Good to Great bears this out. Collins writes,
Level 5 leaders are a study in duality: modest and willful, humble and fearless. To quickly grasp this concept, think of United States President Abraham Lincoln… who never let his ego get in the way of his primary ambition for the larger cause of an enduring nation. Yet those who mistook Mr. Lincoln’s personal modesty… as [a sign] of weakness found themselves terribly mistaken.18
Humility doesn’t mean being weak. It just means thinking of yourself less.
Pride is a weakness, but humility isn’t. Pride is a roadblock to personal progress, good leadership, and positive team building. Here are a few reasons why:
PRIDE: Discounts team building
HUMILITY: Encourages team building
PRIDE: Makes us unteachable
HUMILITY: Values teachability
PRIDE: Closes our minds to feedback
HUMILITY: Opens us up to feedback
PRIDE: Prevents us from admitting mistakes
HUMILITY: Allows us to face our mistakes
PRIDE: Distorts our perception of reality
HUMILITY: Enables us to face reality
PRIDE: Prompts poor character choices
HUMILITY: Promotes character building
PRIDE: Limits our potential
HUMILITY: Enlarges our potential
The ancient Proverbs writer observed, “People who accept correction are on the pathway to life, but those who ignore it will lead others away.”19 If you pair excellence with humility, people not only won’t run over you, they will respect you.
8. How Transparent Should a Leader Be? Is It OK for the Team to Know of Personal Challenges, Such as Cancer?
As a leader, you should not hide bad news. Intuitive people can sense that there is bad news, even if you don’t disclose it. And in this era of transparency, people always find out. So it behooves leadership to be candid.
Of course, there are times to not be totally candid with people. For example, if you have a family member whose privacy needs to be protected, you need to honor that. But in general, people appreciate transparency. It allows them to connect. And it can inspire them. That was certainly the case in England during World War II. Winston Churchill didn’t shirk from telling the British people how dire the odds were in May 1940, as Britain stood alone against the Nazi war machine. The people didn’t panic. Their resolve increased, and they stood firm.
As you weigh whether or not to tell people bad news, the question you need to ask yourself is why you’re telling it. Are you doing it for the good of the team? Are you communicating to connect with your people and to encourage them? Or are you doing it because you are hoping people will pick you up? If it’s the latter, that’s not a good reason. And if you’re going through a personal crisis, it’s OK to let people know that you may not be yourself right now, but that it’ll only be for a season. Then carry on. You don’t want to wear your people out with your personal challenges.
9. The Leadership Process Is a Long Journey—Lasting a Lifetime. How Can I Overcome the Loneliness I Sometimes Feel?
First of all, let me point out that there’s a difference between aloneness and loneliness. I sometimes crave aloneness—to think, create, and hear from God. I’ve written often about my thinking chair, the place in my office where I like to take time to think and reflect. I enjoy that time. I’ve spoken less often about the times when I awaken in the middle of the night. When I was in my late twenties, I started waking up at three or three thirty a.m. It happened about once a week. I sensed that it was a great time for me to think, reflect, pray, and meditate, so I made a commitment that if I woke up for no apparent reason, I’d get up, grab my legal pad, and spend time quietly thinking and listening. Sometimes I’d be up for an hour or two. Sometimes all night. It’s been a regular habit for me. I’d estimate that 80 percent of the ideas I’ve had over the years have come during those times.
Aloneness fills me up. I meet it with a sense of anticipation. Loneliness is altogether different. Leaders often have to go first. That can be lonely. There are weights that leaders need to carry. There are messages that they must be the ones to communicate. There are critical decisions they must make. In a well-led organization, 90 percent of decisions are made by the people close to the problems—at the level of implementation. The other 10 percent are tough decisions that must be made by a leader.
I find loneliness draining. On one hand, it is one of the prices you pay for leadership. But there are things you can do to help you with loneliness. The best thing is to have someone in your life who loves you unconditionally, someone who will listen and with whom you connect emotionally. That person doesn’t need to be a leader or understand the complexity of your world. He or she just needs to share the journey. For me that person was my mom. I could tell her anything. When she died three years ago, it was a huge loss for me. Fortunately, there are others in my life I can talk to. When I have to make a tough decision, I share it with people in my inner circle. That helps greatly, but no one else is Mom.
The other thing you can do is let loneliness drive you to aloneness. When you are feeling the weight of leadership, find ways to get by yourself and think things through.
Let loneliness drive you to aloneness. When you are feeling the weight of leadership, find ways to get by yourself and think things through.
10. How Can Leaders Develop the Ability to “Filter” Their Emotions to Make Good Leadership Decisions?
One of the most important principles of decision making for leaders is to not make decisions at an emotional low point. When you’re in an emotional valley, your perspective isn’t good. Everything looks difficult. The mountains around you look huge. You can’t tell how high they are or how far you are from being able to reach a goal. In contrast, when you’re on the mountaintop, you can see almost everything. You can tell how deep the valleys really are. You can tell how high up you are. And you can survey the other mountains, both large and small, around you. So whenever possible, try to make major decisions when you have good perspective.
Having said that, I acknowledge that there are times when you must make leadership decisions during emotionally difficult times. To help you in such circumstances, here is what I advise:
1. Do Your Homework
The first defense against having unfiltered emotions negatively affect your decision making is to consider the facts. Define the issue. Put it in writing if needed. Then gather information, considering the credibility of your sources. The more solid information you have, the better you can fight irrational emotions.
2. List Your Options and Where They Could Lead
Another part of the fact-finding process is to think about outcomes. Brainstorm every option you can think of and what the potential results could be. This will help you root out ideas that feel good emotionally but aren’t strong rationally.
3. Seek Advice from the Right People
There are two kinds of people you need to consult. The first group includes the people necessary to make a decision happen. If they aren’t on board, you will be in trouble if you make the decision. The second consists of people with success in the area of consideration who have your interests at heart. They can give you good advice.
4. Listen to Your Instincts
You don’t want your emotions to run away with you when you’re making decisions, but you also don’t want to ignore your instincts. Professor and management consultant Weston H. Agor calls intuition “what we know for sure without knowing for certain.” Often your instincts warn you in a way that goes beyond the facts. Psychologist Joyce Brothers advised, “Trust your hunches. They’re usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level.”
“Intuition is what we know for sure without knowing for certain.”
—Weston H. Agor
5. Make Decisions Based on Principles and Values You Believe In
When all is said and done, you must be able to live with the decisions you make. When I have to make a difficult or emotional one, I am inspired by Abraham Lincoln, who said, “I desire to conduct the affairs of this administration in such a way that if at the end, when I come to lay down the reins of power, I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall have at least one friend left and that friend shall be down inside of me.”
Leading yourself is perhaps the least discussed yet most important aspect of leadership. What happens when leaders fail to do the right things internally, day in and day out? They get into trouble. The news is littered with the names of people with great talent and huge opportunities who did wrong things and cultivated bad habits when others weren’t looking.
If you and I want to be successful in life, successful in leadership, and successful in finishing well, we must learn to lead ourselves successfully.