Sara began as soon as Akiro walked into the pastor’s living room and the pastor’s wife left, closing the door behind her. He held her, rocking back and forth. “I am here. I am here,” he whispered, smoothing her hair.
When she felt calmer she said, “Do you think they know? Could they have found out?”
“I think someone would have been arrested or something would have happened by now if they did.”
“I can’t go back until I know. What if they come after me?” “Sara, Sara, we are talking about a gambling debt. The worse that could happen is that they could make you give them the money.”
“If they killed her, Akiro, they have to think I know who it was.” “Why don’t you just tell the police? Then they can catch them.”
“Akiro, do you know how often my mother gambled? She gambled everywhere she went, even if it was just a poker game with the people she worked with. She won big. She lost big. I have no idea of where she lost this money, when, or who she owes.”
“Then how do you know she owed someone money?” “Because I know my mother.”
“What makes you think they would kill her over the money? That doesn’t make sense to me.” Sara shook her head.
“I don’t know. Why else would she be dead? It wasn’t an accident.”
“Think, Sara, think. Dead people can’t pay gambling debts. You said she won and she lost. If she was a habitual loser and ran up huge debts that she couldn’t pay off, killing her might make some sense. But she also won and paid off her losses. Killing her because of a gambling debt does not make sense.” He held her away from him. “Please, Sara, tell the police. You are safe here. Stay until they find out who these people are and talk to them. Please.”
“Maybe. We’ll see. Let me think.”
“What do they know so far?”
“That she had that sentimental jewelry she always insisted on wearing for luck. It’s missing, except for one earring. And there was no way she would part with it voluntarily. She believed it was what brought her luck.”
“And?”
“They still want a picture of my grandparents that’s in her condo. Akiro, she didn’t even look at it. It’s in a drawer in my room.” She began crying again. As soon as she moved into her own place Ma had stripped that room bare. It was as if she had never lived there.
“I didn’t mean to hurt her, Akiro. But I had to have a life of my own.”
Ma became so remote after that. As if they were casual friends. As if she was like her parents, her grandparents, gone. What had they done to make her feel that way? What had happened all those years ago?
“Did she ever really love me, Akiro, or was it just that I was hers, almost a mirror image of herself? Did she see me? Or was it like looking in a mirror and seeing herself when she was younger?”
“I think—” Akiro began. He hesitated for a moment, then rushed on. “I think she was afraid to love anyone too much, even you, maybe especially you. I don’t think she was mean- spirited or even angry. I think that was how she protected herself. I think when you left the only way she could deal with it was to make it look like you had never lived there. I don’t think she knew what else to do.”
“You are kind to her, even in death.”
“My family is large, and always as happy as they seem to be. There is much that goes on between and among them that I don’t hear about until months later. Then I can look back. See how they spoke and talked to one another, see how they changed, see how they realized once again that family is family no matter what. You just do not have that perspective. Think what could happen if we could choose in advance whom we would love. Not once have I ever heard you say your mother didn’t love you. That is because in your heart you know she always did.”
Sara held on to him. “Keep telling me that.”
“For as long as you need to hear it.”
“I must seem strange to you, a person with no family, no history.”
Akiro smiled. “Only until I listen to or think about the sound of a dozen women talking all at once, and in Japanese. I have heard so much about my ancestors I could write a book. I can remember my grandmothers putting me on their laps and telling me stories about dragons and bravery. When it was time to leave, they would place their hands on my head. I thought it was some kind of blessing.”
“I love you,” Sara said. She felt complete with him. So much of her life seemed to be missing. Akiro’s parents accepted her, included her in everything. His sister was her best friend. They were so much a part of his life. It made her realize how small her world had been without him, and gave her a sense of what family was that she had never understood until now.
“I love you,” she said.
Akiro kissed her forehead, then her mouth. Then he smiled. His smile made her think of the sun rising.
“Ma drowned,” Sara said. “In a river near here that’s flooding. Someone hit her on the head. She fell or was pushed in.” She thought saying that would chase away the happy memories of time spent with Akiro’s family, but realized that because Akiro was here with her, it could not.